Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Adrian Pimento - full transcript

- Hey Jake, can I show you

something over here?
- Sure thing, bud.

- I'm trying to send
Genevieve a sexy pic.

Does this make
my bubble butt pop?

- Nope.
I'm out.

[whispers] Who's that?
- [whispers] I don't know.

- Um, excuse me, pal.
Think you're at my desk.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Drop it!
Drop the weapon!

- Don't be a dum-dum.

- Squad, meet
Detective Adrian Pimento.



He's been deep undercover
for the last 12 years,

but he's just resurfaced, and
he's rejoining the Nine-Nine.

- That... is...

awesome!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Some of you just met
Detective Pimento,

and, of course, some of you knew
him before he went undercover.

- Hitchcock and Scully. Ha.
You guys still work here?

- The only way they're getting
rid of us is in a body bag.

- It actually happened once,
but it was a false alarm.

- Detective Pimento will be
returning to his old desk.

Peralta will temporarily be
moved to the break room.

Questions?



- What'd you do undercover?

- I worked for
Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis.

- That is an A-list mobster.
Tell me literally everything.

Everyone, shut up!

- Pretty much just
a bagman for him.

I mean,
I did some other stuff.

[grunting]

[crying]

- Um, we usually try to tell
funnier little stories.

- Well, there's nothing
funny about what I did

for The Butcher.

I've had to learn
not to blink,

because every time I close
my eyes, I see a fresh horror.

- Ooh, dark.

- But how do you keep
your eyes moist?

- Actually, I have

a very funny story
about keeping my eyes moist.

[grunting]

[laughs]

Come on...
[laughing]

- Nope.

Still not getting
that vibe, man.

- Really?
- Mm-mm.

- I'll get there.
That's my bad, everybody.

- Dismissed.

- Sir, can I partner with
Pimento on my B&E?

That guy is awesome.

He's like a real life
Donnie Brasco.

- Isn't Donnie Brasco a really
sad movie that ends terribly?

- Yeah, but he's got
that cool jacket,

and he's always
down at the docks.

- I'm not sure I want
you working with Pimento.

He's a little unstable.

[banging]

- Machine!

- Psychologically, this could be
a very difficult transition.

- Yeah, I know,
I went undercover.

63 days, no big deal.
You probably forgot.

- No, it's your outgoing
voice mail message.

- Hey, it's Jake.

Can't get to the phone
right now.

I might be undercover again,
like I was for 63 days.

Bye!

Look, I know what
he's going through.

Let me be the man that
brings him in from the cold.

- All right, he can work
the B&E with you.

Just make sure
you take it easy.

- Uh, sir, I was 20 minutes late
for work today.

I don't think you need to
tell me about taking it easy.

- Are you bragging
about being a bad employee?

- No.

Dismissed? Me?

- I figured out the best way

to welcome Pimento
to the Nine-Nine.

- Stay out of his way,
maybe buy him a drink,

not do anything weird?

- I'm making him a goat stew.

- Huh... all right.

- Yeah, now,
this Turkmenistani dish

is traditionally made from an
animal that's been so overfed

it can no longer stand.

- [whistles]
That's the dream.

- Everything is authentic.

I even ordered
the pressure cooker

from Turkmenistan.

- So you're on a terrorist
watch list now?

- Oh, yeah, Homeland Security's
been in my house, yep.

Now, this just needs to cook for
another 11 hours, 32 minutes,

and 6--
[boom]

- What the hell, Boyle!
You almost killed me!

I'm not going out
in a stew-making accident!

Terry's gonna die
saving the President,

or Terry's never gonna die!

- There's no way we can
clean this up by ourselves.

We're gonna need help.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What are you saying?

- You know what
she's saying, man.

- Oh, no.

Mean Marge.

- So we're supposed to come
running to clean up your mess

every time you snap
your fat little fingers?

- Oh, no, no, I actually
can't snap my fingers,

they're always too wet.

And I just thought,
since it's your job--

- Oh, I see.

You cops think you're too good
to clean up after yourselves?

- Uh--no, I can do it myself,
I'll just--

- That's union work!

How dare you try
to steal our jobs.

- So where do we go from here?

- Well,
you know the old saying,

"The only way to unclog a toilet
is to let it sit."

- You're a janitor.
You should know that's not true.

- Boys, take out the trash.

- Oh, great!
So you will do it?

Oh!
I'm the trash, I get it.

Okay, that makes more sense
with your tone.

[metal chair skidding]

Oops! Oh... [laughs]
Love you, Marge.

- You wanted to see me, sir?

- Yes, I have a special
project for you.

- Okay, but I'll have
you know right now

I only fly first class.

- I'm not flying you anywhere.

I made an application to
the M.C. Guffin Foundation

for a grant to upgrade
our office equipment.

Unfortunately, they require
a video submission.

I understand you have
some filmmaking experience.

- Well, you know, I've been
re-Vined by Rob Kardashian,

so, yeah, I'm a director.

Here's what I'm picturing:

I enter, in, like,
a Fellini-style getup.

Rosa's dressed
like a porcupine--

- Oh, no, no.
We're just gonna do a simple,

straightforward tour
of the precinct

featuring
Detective Diaz and me.

- Are you sure?

You're not our most dynamic
screen presences.

- I can be dynamic.

Exclamation point.

- Well, Diaz and I have
that kind of easy chemistry

where we finish each other's--
- Sentences.

- Please, don't interrupt me.

That kind of nonsense
won't happen on camera.

- Hey, hey, Pimento.

- Hey!

This is my desk, okay?

- Okay, well, now that
that's out of the way,

I was just coming to let you
know we're gonna work

a B&E together;
we're gonna be partners.

- Nope.
I work alone.

Plus, The Butcher says
he has spies in the NYPD,

so I trust
none of these dildos.

- Listen, you can trust me.

I'm, like, obsessed with you.
- [scoffs] Fine.

Tell me something you've never
told another living soul.

- Um...

Ooh, here's one.

I'm actually not strong enough
to lift a water cooler jug,

so I always find a way
to make Terry do it.

- Here's mine.

Jimmy "The Butcher" made me
drive a croquet wicket

through a guy's eyes
into his brain.

Brain leaked out his eyes
like he was crying his own mind.

- My goodness.

Now that I've heard yours,

I feel like
my water cooler thing

could have been
a little more juicy, but...

- No.
That was embarrassing for you.

A bond has been made.

Feels good to trust again,
brother.

- Wow, either you are a cyborg

or you're carrying
so many weapons in this jacket.

- Hey.
Kitchen, now.

- Okay.

What's up?

- Something's not right
about that guy.

- Why, just because he keeps
threatening to kill me

in the middle of a police
precinct? Uh, grow up.

- Because I'm physically
attracted to him.

- And that's bad?

- I'm only attracted to creeps:
the Vulture, the ShamWow guy,

and when I was a kid,

I had a major crush
on the evil Gremlin.

- Stripe?
Are you crazy?

- Yeah, well I'm not
gonna bone Gizmo.

- I would.
- Careful with Pimento.

- It's gonna be fine.

- Hey, partner.

- Oh!
- I've been waiting for you.

[chuckles]

- Sorry if I surprised you.

It's just when I was undercover,
the middle of the night

was the only time
I could do actual police work.

- Uh, how'd you get
in the apartment?

- Oh, it was easy.

I just seduced
the old lady upstairs,

came down the fire escape,
jimmied the window open.

Bing-bang-boom, I'm inside
your living quarters.

- Totally.

Course, next time you could just
give me a call, you know.

Two ways to pop in on a friend.

- I didn't kill
the old lady upstairs,

if that's what
you're worried about.

- Well, I am now.

- Oh, wait a minute.

You think I'm being weird.

Oh, I shouldn't have come here.
This is your apartment.

I'm so sorry, Jake!
Stupid, Paul!

Stupid!
You idiot, Paul!

- Hey! Pimento!
- Huh?!

- Who's Paul?
- Whoa.

Paul Sneed
was my undercover name.

'Kay?
Damn it, Jake.

I don't know who I am
anymore.

- You could have chose
any name to go undercover,

and you picked Paul Sneed?

Seems kind of crazy.

- I shouldn't have come here.

This was a mistake.
I'm not ready.

I knew I wasn't ready
to go back to being police.

It's the only job I've ever had
except for bagging groceries

at the supermarket at the corner
of Atlantic and Clinton.

I guess I could go back
to that again.

"Paper or plastic?"

Yeah, still got it.

- Listen to me,
I was undercover.

63 days with the Mafia.
I saw some messed-up stuff.

I know what your struggle is.

And I can bring you home,
but you've got to trust me.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Great. Now, I've got
to get some sleep.

You're welcome to stay here
and work the case if you want.

- Thanks, partner.

I promise I won't
disturb you at all.

Whuuuhhhh.

Whuuuhhhh.

- Hey, Pimento.
- Huh?

- I thought you were just gonna
be looking through the files

or something, man.
- Sorry, brother.

Tai chi helps
keep the demons at bay.

- Right.

And...

Do you have to do it
in your underwear?

- I can't take them off,

'cause then you'd be looking
right at my penis and testicles.

- Can't argue with that logic.
Mm-kay.

- Why is there
so much garbage in here?

- [sighs] Mean Marge
won't clean up the stew.

And also, she suspended
our trash service.

- What happened?

You didn't grovel enough,
did you?

- Seriously, Amy,
you're gonna ask Charles Boyle

if he groveled enough?
Come on!

- This is the grossest thing
I've ever seen,

and I have three kids
under the age of four.

I live in a house of fluids.

- Look, I have a plan, okay?

We're just gonna go over
Mean Marge's head

and we're gonna tell Holt.

- Tell me what?

- Oh, well, I don't know
if you noticed,

but there was an accident
in the break room yesterday.

- Oh, yes, shattered windows,
bones everywhere.

It's very "New York in the 70s."
Clean it up.

- The, uh, problem...

is Marge in facilities
is refusing to help.

- We were actually hoping
maybe you could ask her.

- Excuse me?

I'm the captain
of this precinct.

I don't have time to mediate
your petty squabbles.

I've taken a sacred oath
to protect this community,

and that is a job
I take seriously.

- So you're afraid of her, too,
huh?

- Terrified.

- Yeah, perp knew
where the camera was.

Must have cased the joint
ahead of time.

We're gonna need all your
footage from the past week.

- Ha-ha-ha.
This is an amateur job.

Everybody knows you break in
when the owner's there.

That way you have guaranteed
access to the safe,

and you can kick his teeth in
to send a message.

- Okay, why don't you just...

- Oh, sure, you could
slit his throat, but then

what are you going to do
with all the blood?

- Uh, we'd leave it in his body,
where blood lives,

because we're cops.

- Oh, right, we're cops.
And don't worry, sir.

We're gonna
catch these bastards,

or my name isn't Paul Sneed.
- Adrian Pimento.

- Adrian Pimento.
So, what'd they take?

- About $15,000 worth of stuff.

TVs, cameras,
bunch of pre-paid cell phones.

- Ooh, you sell burner phones?

What kind of deals
you got on those?

- Why do you want
to know about the deals?

- Just gathering evidence
for the case,

'cause I'm a cop, remember?

Detective Paul Sneed.
- Adrian Pimento.

- Adrian Piment--I--I know who I
am--you know what--forget this!

- Ah--okay.

- [grunting]

- Hey, hey, hey, come on, man.

Look, I get it...
you're still tense.

When I came back
from being undercover,

they made me see a shrink.

But then he told me I had
dad issues, and I was like,

"You know what,
you can't tell me what to do,

you're not my dad,"
so he was a moron.

- No, you know what, that's good
advice--thanks, man, thanks.

I--I'll be right back,
I just left something inside.

Hey, give me one of those.

- Why are you buying
a burner phone?

- Cue smoke machine.

And... action Holt.

- Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.

- And I'm
Detective Rosa Diaz.

I don't understand why
I'm on a wheelchair.

- Cut!

For the last time, Rosa, through
the magic of special effects,

the wheelchair
will turn into a horse,

but I need you to work with me.

Give me a little "hee-yah!"
Hee-yah!

- This is idiotic.

- Maybe because you didn't
karate chop your way

through the smoke, as scripted.

- I'm out.
Scully.

- Rosa!

- Hee-yah, hee-yah.

- I wanted a simple,
straightforward

video tour of the precinct,

and you've added the one
ingredient I didn't want:

pizzazz.

- Pizzazz is who I am.

Would you tell the sky
to stop being so blue?

- Yes. I wish it were tan.
- What?

- It's my favorite color.
It's no-nonsense.

- Hey, I've been
tailing Pimento,

and I think you were right.

There's something weird
going on with that guy.

- I knew it. Ugh!

I can't believe
I'm gonna sleep with him.

- Well, you don't have to.

- No, I'm gonna.

- He secretly
bought a burner phone,

he broke into my apartment

and he keeps forgetting
he's a cop

and calling himself
by his alias, Paul Sneed.

- Paul Sneed?

- He said Figgis has spies
in the NYPD.

Rosa, what if he's one of them?
What if he turned?

Oh, here he comes.

Oh, man, bolt cutters?

Bolt cutters have literally

never been used by
an innocent person.

- I use them all the time
when I make jewelry.

- What?
Oh, my God.

Follow-up questions later.

All right, I got to
keep following him.

- All right, but be careful.

- Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be invisible.

Now you see me, now you--
[car engine revs]

- ♪ 'Cause here's my number ♪
- Ah--

- ♪ So call me maybe ♪

[music stops]
- We're cool, we're cool.

Everything's still cool.
He didn't hear me, we're cool.

[phone pad beeps]

- Rosa.

Pimento just put on a ski mask

and broke into a creepy
abandoned warehouse.

- Mm, that's hot.

- It is?

Oh, wait, he's coming back out.

- Did he do something
super shady?

Are his eyes all wild?

- Rosa, focus.
- Sorry.

Send a pic. Bye.

- Okay,
guess we're done talking.

- Well, they still haven't
cleaned up in there,

but the good news is
I got a new plan.

I let one of the perps
accidentally get out of holding,

then I take him down
to the break room.

Oopsie.
Now it's a whole crime scene.

- [gasps] And then we can get
crime scene cleaners.

- Boom.
- Not so fast.

That room gets clean
when I say it gets cleaned.

- You can't stop us now.

- You ever heard
the old saying,

"Know the garbage,
know the man?"

- That's not a saying.

- Yes, it is.
I know all your secrets.

[snaps fingers]
Boyle.

You got a taste for fast food.

- [giggles]
Those aren't mine.

I only eat
locally-sourced meats.

They could be Terry's.
He was fat once, you know?

- What the hell, Boyle?

- Speaking of Jeffords,

maybe your daughters
would like to know

that their daddy throws away
all their drawings?

- They just draw so many,
and they're all so bad.

- And you, Santiago,

maybe the world would like to
see that draft of a memo

you wrote where you used
T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?

- Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

- Why do you hate us
so much?

- I know you call me
Mean Marge.

Do you even know my last name?

Hmm?

- Mop-Bucket?
- Scully, don't guess.

Please.
- No.

- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

- "Mop-Bucket," Scully?

- It was a educated guess.

- Thanks for coming.

Pimento put the duffel in his
trunk, parked around the corner,

and went home; he's been doing
shirtless tai chi

in his window ever since.

- Which window is that?

Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Look, I got to
get into that trunk.

- And you need me
to break into the car for you?

- What?
No, I can do it.

Why would you say that?

- Because one time you lost your
keys and you called a tow truck.

- My mom pays for
roadside assistance.

Why wouldn't I call it?
I'm doing this.

- Okay, great take!
You guys are finally getting it.

All right, let's go again.
Action Holt!

- [rhythmic blowing]

Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.

- And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz.
Hee-yah.

- The hell is this?

- You had a pizzazz problem,
so you've been recast, sweetie.

Welcome to Hollywood.

You know, David here
really connected with the role.

- The key is to invent
a backstory for your character.

Now, my Raymond Holt is addicted
to pills, but no one knows.

- You see, he really
understands the craft,

whereas you and Rosa just sort
of flop around

like a couple
of boring normals.

- I'm sorry,
but we're detectives,

not professional actors.

We were trying our hardest.

- "We were trying our hardest."
- Stop it.

- Gina, this is a disgrace.
I'm removing you as director.

- There he goes.

[whispering]
Off to take more pills.

- Oh, yeah.

Suck it, roadside assistance.

- Well, well, well.

Hello, Jake.

- Adrian, what a coincidence
bumping into you here.

Well, see you tomorrow.

[gun cocks]

You know what,
let's hang out now.

I was thinking
the exact same thing.

[laughs]

- What are you doing here,
partner?

- Pimento's still in the window.

- Come on, Jake.

You honestly didn't assume
I would hire a look-alike

to wear a fake beard
and do tai chi in my window?

- No, I definitely
didn't assume that.

- And plus, you seriously
thought that was me?

I mean, you've seen me
in my underpants.

My butt is rock hard.

That guy's got
a pancake butt.

- I can't believe you're still
working for Figgis.

That's why you've been
acting so weird.

Breaking into my apartment,
buying a burner phone,

grabbing this duffel.

- I broke into your apartment
'cause I didn't feel safe

at my home.
- Okay.

- And a burner phone is
the only kind of phone I can get

because I disappeared
for 12 years,

and now have terrible credit.
- Makes sense.

- You want to know
what's in the duffel?

Open it up, tough guy.

- [sighs]

- Oh, look at that.

A bunch of old family photos
and personal belongings.

- Pimento's mementos.

I know you have a gun on me.

I just couldn't
resist the rhyme, sorry.

- I stashed it all
when I became Paul Sneed.

I couldn't have them
finding anything

that could
trace back to my family.

- I get it, all right?

I went through the exact
same thing when I came back--

- You have no clue
what I've been through!

You know what?

I can't believe
I trusted you.

- Okay.

- Just get out of here, Jake.

- Oh, my God, this guy's
got a pancake butt.

It's not Pimento.
Get out of there, Jake!

- Thanks, Rosa.

- So Detective Pimento
didn't show up for work today.

Any idea why?

- Oh, yeah, I straight up
drove him off.

Big screw-up on my part.

I'm trying this new thing
where I just own my mistakes.

I like it. Do you?
- I did.

Until you bragged about it.
- Yeah.

- Pimento left his gun
and badge on my desk,

along with a note reading,
"I can't do this.

I'm better off as a bagman."

- Oh, no.

- You think he went back
to work with Figgis?

- Worse.

- Fine, single bag it.

It's your funeral,
you dumb son of a bitch.

Get out of here.

Idiot.

- Hey, partner.

- Bag boys don't have partners.

- Actually,
cashiers and bag boys

need to be totally in sync--

- Shut up, Maggie.

- Look, man, you sacrificed
12 years of your life

for the police department;
you're a hero.

I'm sorry that
I didn't trust you.

- Yeah. Me too.

- Look, can I tell you something
I've never told anyone before?

My time undercover in the Mafia
was actually kind of lame.

I mean, I wanted it
to be badass,

but I'm good at computers,
so I mostly just helped them

switch over from AOL.

I have no idea
what you're going through.

And I want to tell you that it's
all gonna go back to normal,

but honestly, I have no clue.

Anyways, the footage came back
on that B&E,

and we've got a suspect.

I'm going to bust him right now
if you want to come with me.

- Why don't you
give me those eggs?

I'll put them on top here.

- Okay.

- What was that about?
What happened to you?

- Maggie, butt out!

Okay?
This is my life!

- So I just received word

from our friend
at the Guffin Foundation.

Apparently they loved
our video submission.

What did you send them?

- A cinematic masterpiece
is what I sent them.

- Did it feature pizzazz?

- No, none at all, sir.

First, I couldn't wrap my head
around that concept,

but then I realized:

do you know which dogs get
the most likes on the internet?

- Anatolian Shepherds.

- No, ugly little runts

with wonky eyes and tongues that
won't stay in their mouths.

- But the Anatolian Shepherd

is unrivaled
for protecting livestock.

- I was trying to wow them,

and I should have just been
showcasing our wonk-eye.

- ♪ I will remember you ♪

- We were trying our hardest,
but this is a disgrace.

[echoing]
Disgrace, disgrace.

Help us.
Stop it.

- And that's real audio of
your very-real diva meltdown.

You might just make it
as an actor after all.

- Well done, Linetti.

- Sergeant Linetti.

I had the fake Holt
give me a promotion.

He signed the papers
and everything.

- What do you want?

- To tell you that we will
officially be renaming

the fourth-floor break room
"The Marge Bronigan Break Room."

- Well.

Looks like somebody
did their homework.

- It was me.
I did it.

- So what's the catch?

- The ceremony
starts in two hours.

Now, I know our squad
is not in the janitor's union,

but it'd sure be nice
if we were allowed

to clean the place up
before then.

We cleaned up the stew,

which means the Marge Bronigan
Break Room is open for business!

- Okay, we'll take out your
trash, do normal cleaning,

but no big messes.

- Great!
Time for the christening.

[pop]
[glass shatters]

[overlapping chatter, commotion]

- Oh, crap.

[all gasp, shout]

Congratulations.

- Perp is on the third floor.
Everyone know your assignment?

- Mind if I tag along?

- Pimento?

- I thought about it.

If you say things
will get back to normal,

then I trust you.

- All right.

Let's do this.

You're with me, partner.

[guns cock]
NYPD! You're under arrest!

- You're gonna die!

- No, Pimento!
No!

- Not a doctor.
Shh.

- Fremulon.