Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - The 9-8 - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the most
anticipated event

in this precinct's history.

The auction for...

The Suitcase of Mystery!

Exactly, Jacob.

This puppy's been in the lost
and found since 1976.

No one alive today
knows its contents.

I'm happy to say Captain Holt

has finally given me permission
to auction it off.

I'll let you give me
a spray tan.



Any shade you want.

Jake, willing to sacrifice
his dignity.

- Who can top it?
- Massage!

I'll give you a massage.

Charles,
going in the wrong direction

and getting himself
disqualified.

Interesting approach.

"Orange Jake",
going once, going twice.

I'll show you a picture of me
in high school.

- There is side-pony.
- Ooh, Rosa coming in hot!

- Rosa coming in hot!
- I'll also give you

full control of my hair
and wardrobe!

I'll go on a date with you.

Sold!



To Jake, not to Scully.

That really freaked me out,

and I just want this to end now.

Whoo!

So, there was this suitcase...

- I don't care.
- Yeah.

♪
♪

All right, everyone,
enough morning chitchat.

Television happened,
commutes were difficult,

Boyle had a dream.

- I laid a goose egg on this...
- That's enough.

A pipe burst
in the nine-eight,

rendering the building
uninhabitable.

They'll be sharing our space
until the problem is fixed.

Oh, what?

A whole other precinct in here?

We're already packed in
like sardines.

Look at this.

Man, I sure will love
to be here to greet

all these annoying losers,
but sadly,

Boyle and I are going to be
on a stakeout all week.

Yeah, just two best buds
stinking up a Saturn

with our druthers of tunes
and personal pan pizzas.

- That sucks.
- That sucks.

No one enjoyed that.

Look, I know this is
an inconvenience;

however, I expect you all to be
accommodating to our guests.

Don't worry, sir,
we will be cordial A. F.

"As Frasier."
Love that show.

They're here.

I hate those
nine-eight losers.

Ugh.
These guys are the worst.

Hey, Stevie Schillens?

Jakey P in the place to be.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were
in the one-two-four.

I was, man, but then
I arrested all the bad guys

in Staten, so I transferred
to the nine-eight.

So dope.

Everyone, put on your parkas,
'cause this week

just got a whole a lot more
chill.

Both: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Allow me to introduce
Stevie "Chillin'" Schillens.

He was my very first partner
and one of the all-time greats.

Takes one to know one, man.

Come on.

I'm Charles!

Wuh-oh.

Hey, what's up, man?
I'm Stevie.

We heard.

Stevie and I
were beat cops together.

We called ourselves
the Beatsie Boys.

And, yeah, it was as cool
as it sounds.

♪ So what'cha, what'cha ♪

- ♪ What'cha want? ♪
- ♪ Cha want? ♪

♪ I get so funny with
the money that you flaunt ♪

So, y'all would just stand
around like that?

- Yeah!
- All the time.

Totally get it.

My first partner
was also pretty cool.

Everyone called us
"Chucky and the Coot."

♪ So what'cha, what'cha ♪

- ♪ What'cha want? ♪
- ♪ Cha want? ♪

♪ I get so funny with
the money that you flaunt ♪

So, I guess we all had
great partners

that we've completely
moved on from.

Because yours died of old age?

He did.

Anyway, we should motor.

Jake and I are staking out a bar
called the Thirsty Ox...

lot of crime, lot of danger,

lot of downtime
for inside jokes.

[weird voice]
"Would you like some milk?"

- [laughing]
- What?

[weird voice]
"Would you like some milk?"

- The guy...'cause you look like...
- I don't know

- what you're talking about.
- "Would like the milk?"

- Please.
- What is it from?

He's funny.
He remembers. Funny.

- Very funny.
- You know what's crazy?

I've been tracking a dealer

who just took a job
at the Thirsty Ox.

No crap.

We should work the case
together.

The Beatsie Boys
reunion tour?

Tagline: Boys Will
Always Be Boys.

No wait.
"Some Boys Never Change."

No wait.
"Boys to Man back to Boys."

No wait.
"Boy-ees!"

No wait.

Please, make yourself at home.

Captain,
why are you doing this?

You hate people in your space.

Nonsense.
I'm an easygoing chap.

Okay. I once saw you use a
ruler to measure another ruler.

It was off
by half a centimeter.

It never should've been
in circulation.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, he just sat at your desk.

[sighs]
Good.

Good.
I was hoping he would.

He's adjusting
your chair settings.

Even the lumbar?

Exclusively the lumbar.

So my spine'll hurt a little.

It's only a highway holding
all your body's nerves.

Mm-hmm.

You guys have an extra mouse
for my computer?

No.
But, hey,

here, you can borrow mine.

Terry knows
his keyboard shortcuts!

Whoop. Just deleted everything.

- Sir, we have a problem.
- Yeah, we do.

The line for the microwave
is insane!

Seriously, Amy?

Your problem is Hitchcock
and Scully's frozen burritos?

No!
Both: Yeah!

Get our of here!

Ugh! I'm trying to assemble
my binders,

but my new desk mate, Brian,
brought a dog with him

and my allergies
are going crazy.

I'm so stuffy, I can't even
enjoy that new binder smell.

He shouldn't have a pet
in the precinct.

It's a "service animal"
that he has made-up reasons.

I have mild foot pain, okay?
Francie helps me with that.

- How?
- Legally, you're not allow

- to ask me that.
- Ugh.

That is nothing.

My new desk mate...

chats.

Now, I like to think
of this little lady

as a city girl who married
a farmhand.

[giggles]

She also likes to
look up recipes online

and go,
"Who's got the time?"

Okay.

Captain wants things
running smoothly,

so why don't you both just move
and work from my desk?

- Fine.
- See?

Everything is gonna be fine.

Whoop, guy just took
my whole computer.

The dealer I'm looking for
is Tom Ozerov.

Arrested him a year ago
on a first-degree felony,

but he made a deal and walked.

Dude's a real lowlife.

Yeah, we've seen that guy.

I said he looked like a lowlife,
remember that, Jake?

- His pants were too tight.
- Ah, yeah.

Hey, you know what else
is too tight?

Us working a case together
again.

[both laughing]

- Swurt.
- Whoo!

Yeah, we say "noice,"
not "swurt."

Look, I'm so sorry,
but I don't think there's room

for a third person on this case.

Jake, we should work it solo.

Whoa, hang on that, Boyle.
Let's not be hasty.

I mean, Stevie's been tracking
Ozerov longer than we have.

And three heads are better
than two.

Three's a crowd.
Everybody knows that.

What about in "The Lion King,"
huh?

When Jamone and Purboy became
friends with Steemba.

That's not the names.

It's Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa,

but I appreciate you trying.

Really is a perfect analogy.

All right, I'm in.

Stevie can work the case.

Oh, right!

Charles Boyle,

welcome to the Beatsie Boys.

All: Aww!

♪ We're d-d-driving in a ♪
both: ♪ Car ♪

♪ Destination:
drug dealer's ♪

- Both: ♪ Bar ♪
- ♪ Pass the mic right over to ♪

Both: ♪ Charles ♪

We forgot Charles.

♪ But we can't turn back,
'cause we're going to farles ♪

We have to turn back, though.

We can't leave him.

It was a good rhyme, though.

Hey.
Hey, buddy.

Look, I'm not gonna waste
your time

with some lame excuse

about why we left you behind,
all right?

Just the truth.

Stevie and I were taken hostage
by an Armenian biker gang

and thrown on a cargo ship
head it to Asia,

but we're back now.

Don't worry about it.

You can work the case
without me.

I'm busy bonding
with my new desk mate, Paul.

Hi, my name's Paul.

Shh, Paul, nobody cares.

Charles, I'm so sorry.

Don't be mad, okay?

We need you to
work this case with us.

And you're way to good for Paul.

Stop trying to flatter me.

Jake, face it,
I'm not a Beatsie Boy.

All right.
Well, then neither am I.

The Beatsie Boys are finished.

If you're gonna be part of
the group, we need a new name,

a new name that you're gonna
came up with.

- Police Pals.
- Okay, it's decent.

You can come up
with a couple options.

Not necessary.
That's the one.

Okeydokey, let's go.

So, Gina, how's it going?

What's the gossip?

"What's the gossip?"

You can't stand being in
your office with him, can you?

No, I'm just curious
about your life.

I like to gab.

So, uh, tell me about...

boys.

Okay.
I hate this.

Captain, you gotta stand up
to that office hog.

Be stern, like me.

Notice I'm not sharing a desk
with Flynt's assistant.

'Cause he over... there.

No eye contact.
Get back to work.

Ugh! Listen.

You just say the word,

and I will barge in there
and kick that dude out.

Don't be ridiculous.
He is my superior officer.

But more to the point,
he's a welcome guest,

and I am a good host.

He locked you out
of your own office, didn't he?

Yes, very much so.

Oh, Raymond.

Why do we all got to
sit in the back?

Because we are all here
together and we are all equals.

Yeah.
Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we listen
some sweet stakeout jams?

Ooh, do you have the satellite
radio station "Sedan Rock"?

Seriously?

Why not just go straight

for the Toni Braxton
while you're at it?

Oh, now you're gonna
make fun of Toni?

Who is this joker?

Check it out.
Guy entering.

Wait, I know that dude.

He buys from Ozerov.

I mean, something's going down.

I say we gear up,
and we bust in.

Like we did
at Pacala Ristorante, remember?

[dramatic rock music]

That's how we do it
in Brooklyn.

Yeah, okay,
it sounds pretty cool,

but Jake and I already talked
how we'd play this.

We had a pretty sweet convo
about it.

Remember?

I think we should
do surveillance,

collect intel,
and build a case.

Sure.

So, we all got stories, pal.

Look.
We need information.

If we bust in there and Ozerov
doesn't have any drugs,

our whole operation is blown.

But I know this guy,
all right?

He never works out of one place
for long.

I guarantee you
he has drugs on him

and if we don't get him now,
we never will.

Well, too bad for you,
because Jake agrees with me.

We're always on the same...

- Page?
- Yes! Told you.

Actually, Charles,
I think Stevie's right.

No.
You said "page."

I know, but he knows
this case, and I trust his gut.

But, hey, let's go catch
a bad guy together, right?

Gear up, Police Pals!

Hey, what is that?

Thought we were Beatsie Boys.

You didn't even tell him.

[muffled heavy rock music]

Rosa, do you need to listen
to it that loud?

Yes!

I'm trying to drown out
the sound from Ellen,

the chat factory, over there.

My daughter got me a juicer
for Christmas.

Did you know
that you can juice nuts?

What?

I'm two seconds away
from juicing Ellen.

I know it's tough,
but Sarge...

Ah, no, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Shoo! Shoo!

Oh, can you at least
put her on a leash?

She's a medical professional.
Okay?

Would you keep a doctor
on a leash?

That dog does not help you
with your foot pain.

You just want an excuse
to bring her everywhere!

Your dog is a fraud.

- Fraud dog!
- Come on.

Fraud dog!
Fraud dog!

- Fraud dog!
- Juice Ellen!

- Juice Ellen!
- Fraud dog!

Whoa!

Both of you, outside now!

I know it's crowded in there

and they're not
very considerate guests

and they took my mouse

and then they took my keyboard

and then they took
the whole computer.

And when I had
nothing else to give,

they came for my yogurt.

No, not just any yogurt.

Full fat Greek
with a touch of honey.

That's a once a week treat!

[microwave beeping]

What the hell are you guys
doing out here?

Finally eating breakfast.

We snuck
the microwave out here

so we could cook our burritos
like real policemen.

Now they have to use
the toaster oven.

Enjoy your 16-minute cook times,
idiots.

Guys, this is amazing.

Back off, it's our microwave!
Ours!

[growls]

Nobody wants your microwave!

But look, the nine-eight's stuff
is blocking the windows.

They can't see us out here.

It's so peaceful...

and spacious.

This could be our new beginning.

All right.

Can't let Ozerov
ditch the drugs.

We got to go in
fast and strong.

I don't know about you,
but I can use some adrenalin.

A little slap-slap-boom?

- Mm.
- What's slap-slap-boom?

Oh, it's just this thing
we used to do

to get each other pumped up
where we slap each other

in the face;
you don't have to do it.

No, I want to.
I want to go first.

[slaps]
Ow!

[slaps]
Ooh! Ooh!

Shh.
There's movement.

But I'm the only one
who got slapped in the face.

Charles, we gotta go!

NYPD!
Show me your hands!

Hey, Ozerov, I'll have
a martini with a twist.

The twist?
You're under arrest.

None for me;
I'm driving...

you to jail.

He's clean.
There's no drugs on him.

Damn it.

We wasted those
cool lines on nothing.

Also, we blew the case.

That's obviously much worse.

That was my first thought.

Look, I know that
we didn't find any drugs,

but I still think
it was worth the risk.

Well, I think it was
a crap circus.

This whole operation
is blown.

If you ask me,
the Beatsie Boys

should be called

the Thoroughly
Messed-Up Millies.

- What?
- I can't even imagine

what you're going for.

I was being devastating!

Look, man,
I get that you're pissed,

but I am telling you,
Ozerov is dirty.

Maybe, but if we had staked
the bar out,

we could've built up cases
against a dozen guys here.

This place is filled
with criminals.

I brought him in last month.

- Hey, Detective Boyle.
- Hi, Isaac.

The only good thing is,
now this whole trio

doesn't have to
work together anymore.

Yes it does.
Charles, you did it.

- You saved the case.
- What? Why? I didn't want to.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but consorting with known felons

is a parole violation,
meaning

we have grounds to search
Ozerov's home.

Hell yeah!
Jakey P with the save!

Well, you know, Boyle
is the one who pointed it out.

- He deserves the credit.
- True, true, true.

Good job, Earl!

You know my name is Charles.

So, if we're gonna start
a secret office on the roof,

we need equipment.

That means chairs, desks,
printers, pens.

But we gotta sneak it out,

so we need a distraction.

Okay, here is
what I'm thinking.

We give that dog
a bunch of chocolates.

It dies.

While everyone celebrates...

Okay, Amy's
too close to this.

Rosa, you got any ideas?

Hitchcock and Scully just set
fire to the kitchen sink.

Oh, boy.
Ooh, boy.

Perfect!

Let's use that.

I looked everywhere.
I didn't find anything.

- Did you?
- No.

But mirror top coffee table,

iguana cage,
samurai swords on the wall...

either this guy is a drug dealer

or uses an incautious
interior designer.

He might be a drug dealer,
but we have nothing on him.

Quick question, guys.

Why did the drug dealer never do
his dishes?

Because he has drugs
in his dishwasher.

Oh, yeah!

- Dishwasher?
- Hit me.

Here, is for you.

- Hello?
- Hey.

What's up, dude?
It's me.

We got the drugs, man.

Hang on,
Charles wants to say hi.

Do you have any milk?

Not a stranger in sight.

It's beautiful.

I've never heard the printer
sound so happy.

I feel like it knows.

We did it.

A new world.

This must be how
the founding fathers felt.

So...

what are you doing out here?

Captain, it's mayhem in there.

Those people are messy
and selfish.

- And chatty.
- And out here,

we can actually get work done.

- But...
- Sir, I'll handle this.

We love it.

We're proud of you.

- We want in.
- No.

You're acting like little
children playing basketball

who've fallen behind by several
two-pointer buckets

so you just take
your basket home,

and now no one else can play.

I know it's not the time,
but you gotta watch basketball

if you're gonna try
to reference it.

Sergeant,
this is boorish behavior.

I wanted you to be a good host.

You told me to make it work,

and I came up
with a creative solution.

Diaz finished
her arrest reports.

Santiago did the filing
of ten men.

I don't want to hear it.

Just clean up this mess
and get back inside.

[printer beeping]

Paper jam.

It does know.

Attenzione, dingbats.

Perchance a riddle.
Shakespeare.

What has six thumbs
and just arrested a drug dealer?

Both: These guys.

[chuckles]

Charles, thumbs up.

I said "six thumbs"
and we're only showing four.

We're starting
to look like fools.

Come on, Charles.

There it is.

- That's the ticket.
- Whoo!

All right, man, I'm gonna go
check with Flynt.

You do some research on where
we're gonna celebrate tonight.

Here's my only requirement:

it has to be at your house
'cause I ain't got no money.

Uh, okay,
how about at my house?

Swurt.

[both laughing]

Yes!

[sighs]

Psst, hey.

What are you doing?

Come here.

What?

I think Stevie's bad news.

What?
Oh, come on, Charles.

You know, you've been acting
weird about Stevie all day.

I think you might be jealous.

Of course I'm jealous.

I was never hiding that.

- How?
- He's tall. He's funny.

He can pull off an earring.

He doesn't have an earring.

But we both know
he'd look good with one.

Oh, my God... What do you
want me to say, Boyle?

I've been trying to include you
in this all day long.

And, yes, I forgot you
that one time,

but I made up for it.

I slapped you in the face.

You're supposed to be
my friend.

I'm an adult man,
I can have two close friends.

Hell, I can have
three close friends.

- You wouldn't.
- I would.

- [scoffs]
- Maybe I'll get in touch

with my friend James
from college.

Ooh, or you know who just
looked me up online?

Brad from camp.

Stevie planted the drugs.

Come on!

I looked on that dishwasher
before him, and it was empty.

Stevie planted those pills.

But you're right,
he's the coolest!

You guys should go get
your ears pierced together.

Invite Brad.
It'll be smurt.

It's swurt, not smurt.

So, joke it's on you.

Damn it, Stevie!

Hey, I logged the drugs.

You know what that means.
It's time to celebrate.

You know what that means.
Let's eat big sandwiches!

I gotta talk to you...

in private.

Come on.

Okay.

Uh, this is cozy.

Well, the precinct
is so crowded,

this is the only place
no one can hear us talk.

[deep breath]
Listen.

I know you planted the drugs
at Ozerov's place.

What?

Charles checked
the dishwasher,

and he didn't see any drugs.

Yeah, well, they were there.
All right?

I guess he just missed them.

Probably busy hiking up his
pants above this belly button.

He has to do that
because they don't make pants

short enough for him.

Look.
Don't lie to me, man.

Dude, the guy
is a drug dealer.

All right?

I wasn't gonna
let him walk again.

But you get it,
though, right?

You're not a tight-ass
like Charles.

You know, I wish
I was like Charles.

He's a good cop
and an honest person,

and when we go on stakeouts,
we do listen to Toni Braxton

and it's super sad
and it's awesome.

I can't believe
I'm saying this, Stevie,

but I gotta report you.

Ow!

Did you just Donkey Kong
punch me?

There's no room
to regular punch you.

[both grunting]

Ooh, all right.

It's on.

- Ahh!
- What's going on?

He did plant the drugs.

You trusted me.

Oww!

Son of a bitch!
I hope there's room

- in this fight for three.
- There's not.

You have a 2:30 meeting
with small head big body.

I forgot to take his name.

D.A. Brayburn.

Deputy Inspector Flynt,

do you mind if we have
a meeting here in the office?

Actually, I do mind.

I'm not really in the mood
for company.

I just had a bad loss
in an online poker game.

Of course.

Anything for our guests.

Get back here,
you crap basket.

You're going down!

Help!

He's attacking me
for no reason!

[both grunt, all gasp]

Stevie Schillens,
you have the right to remain...

- A loser.
- Noice.

But, now legally,
I have to start over, Charles.

Stevie Schill... Oh!

[all gasp]

Get off him.
We just made up.

[grunting]

Paul?

I thought we had something.

[grunts]

Get nine-eight.

[all chattering]

Hope your dog
will help with neck pain.

Oh!
She doesn't help with any pain.

I made it up.

Ha!
I knew it!

Hey, Ellen.

I got your farm girl.

You wouldn't.

Bessy!

Terry got his computer back.

[grunts]

Oh, come on!

[yelling and groaning]

Sarge, take off your shirt!

It's restricting your movement.

[bullhorn blares]

What the hell
is going on here?

Yeah.

What are you guys doing?

Brawling with other
police officers?

What were you thinking?

Sir, I had nothing
to do with this.

I was arresting a dirty cop.

I heard you scream out
"I love this!"

Yes.

"This" being justice.

I love justice.

And to make matters worse,

our radiator was broken during
your wild street-ball scrum.

So now we have no heat.

Which means we'll have to work
in the freezing cold,

and our guests
from the nine-eight

will have to relocate again.

No smiles.
No smiles.

This is a sad day
for our precinct.

Dismissed.

[all grumbling]

Captain.

You know what's kinda weird?

There was no one was fighting
over by the radiator.

You were the only person
standing near it.

I suppose, in the hubbub,

I may have tripped
and busted a pipe.

[all yelling, metallic clank]

[steam hissing]

I knew it!

I knew you couldn't stand
having someone in your space.

He used my letter opener

to cut his tuna sandwich
in half!

You were right.

They were disrespectful
and had to go.

And, yes, sometimes
you have to come up

with a creative solution.

And sometimes just a bunch
of dudes need to get into a room

and just...
[grunting]

"Take that!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

That's not the lesson here.

Okay, Captain.

Both: ♪ Unbreak my heart ♪

♪ Say you love me again ♪

You know what?
I like this song!

♪ This hurt that you caused ♪

- Hey, you don't get to sing.
- Shut up!

- The nerve.
- Unbelievable

all: ♪ Uncry these tears ♪

♪ I cried so many nights ♪