Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Cruise - full transcript

Okey dokey.

The car is picking me and Amy
up in two minutes.

You sure you're cool
keeping tabs on my cases

while I'm on the cruise?

You bet. I hope
you have a great time.

Hey, don't make
any new best friends.

Oh.
Maybe you shouldn't go.

Are you kidding?
I am psyched to go

on this week-long cruise, just
sitting around doing nothing.

Straight up living
that slug life, y'all.

Cruise itineraries,
hot out of the laminator.



Who's ready for some nonstop
totally scheduled fun?

Oh, I actually thought
we could just... sit by the pool,

eat unlimited shrimp, and see
what it does to our bodies.

That's cute.

I don't know if there's
gonna be time, though.

The cruise offers 77 activities,

and I signed us up
for 76 of them.

Speed dating for widows
seemed like a bummer.

Okay, so slightly
different perspectives

going into this cruise.

Call it the slug life talking,

but I think it's gonna
work itself out.

Good-bye, coworkers,

or as they like to say at sea...



♪
♪

- This is so great.
- Yeah.

Seagulls, check.

The ocean, check.

A gang of oldies
in short shorts,

check, check, check.

We are definitely on a cruise.

Welcome aboard.

Say, "I love Carousel Cruises
International Ltd."

I love Carousel Cruises
International Ltd.

I don't want to say that.

All right.

So... the Sail Away party
is in an hour,

and until then, I have us
scheduled to take in live music

at the all-ages piano lounge.

Okay, okay. Or we could just
head straight to the room.

I brought a plastic tarp
so we can eat shrimp in bed.

But the all-ages piano lounge
has bottomless margaritas.

Eh.

They also have a drink
with a potato skin in it.

Ohh. To the all-ages
piano lounge, merlady.

Mm-hmm.

Welcome aboard,
ladies and gentlemen,

but especially ladies.

I know that voice.

Get ready. It's time
for some smush songs.

Doug Judy.
The Pontiac Bandit.

He's here.

We got songs about smushing,

songs for smushing to,

songs for the kids.

This is the all-ages
piano lounge.

I can't believe he's here.
I've been hunting him for years,

and now fate has dropped him
right into my lap.

He's gonna be so surprised
when he sees me.

Hey, Peralta, you made it.

What took you so long, brother?

Okay, seems like he's
playing it pretty cool.

Probably more surprised
on the inside.

Uh-huh.

Sir, Gina and I are
worried about you.

You're drinking a second can
of seltzer.

I need this to settle my nerves.

Hurricane Debbie is approaching.

My little sister Debbie,
she's a real drama queen.

The drama queen
of the Holt family?

What, did she laugh
out loud one time?

She's laughed out loud
multiple times.

Sir, you have a pretty low bar
for what you consider drama.

Once, I used an exclamation
point in a email.

You called me Diana Ross.

I assure you, in this case,
I do not exaggerate.

Raymond!

Here.

Judge for yourselves.

Here you are.

Great. Oh, my God.

My trip here
from the train station...

hey, I swear to you
I heard the cab driver

mumble under his breath,
"You will die tonight."

Is that not the most insane
thing you have ever heard?

I mean, can you even, Raymond?

I cannot... even.

I hadn't seen her in a while.

She lived alone.

She was 89 years old.

Okay, thanks.

There's no forced entry
or visible trauma.

It's probably natural causes.

- We'll take a look around...
- Sure.

This huge apartment.

What is this, like,
1,800 square feet?

Exposed brick.

Got tons of natural light.

Weird. I thought you'd be most
exciting about the gas range.

They have a gas range.

I have to apply
for this apartment.

I mean, it just
became available.

We're the only two people
to see it.

This is an opportunity
you just don't get

in New York real estate ever.

A woman just died here.

Don't be gross
and disrespectful.

Holy crap, look at all
this closet space.

I'm applying too.

What? You don't need
closet space.

You have, like, one outfit.

- Just let me have this.
- No.

We saw it at the same time.

May the best man win.

Game on.

I mean, the game of
contacting the next of kin.

That's the game I like to play.

Peralta, it's no coincidence
you're on a ship.

You won a free cruise
without entering a contest.

How do you think that happened?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because I bought
"Speed 2" on DVD,

and the Internet
realized that cruises

were one of my interests.

Great film.
Sandy B. in a sarong.

Damn straight.

But the tix are all me.

I brought you here
'cause I'm in peril.

- Pfft. Peril.
- Don't "pfft" my peril.

Pfft.

Somebody's trying to kill me,
and I need protection,

so I sent for my best friend.

I am not your best friend.

I'm your worst enemy.
Get that through your head.

It's this kind of bickering

that makes us
such an adorable couple.

Whatever, Judy.
You're under arrest.

You can't arrest me, boo.
We're in international waters,

which is also why I can smoke
as much weed as I want.

Welcome to the high seas.

No, no way that that's true.

Amy, tell me I can
arrest him right now.

Judy's right.
We have no jurisdiction.

Technically this boat flies
under the flag of Uzbekistan.

Uh-oh. Your girl knows
about the Uzbeks. Oh.

But the captain
can have him arrested.

He has total authority
on this boat.

Perfect.
Captains love me.

Just wait until he or she

finds out they're
employing a criminal.

Yeah, about 40% of the crew
are criminals.

It's hard to find normal people

who want to live on a boat.

I, myself, am a tax evader.

I just need him locked up
till we get back to New York.

Can't you just throw him
in boat jail?

It's called the brig.

He is my best lounge singer,

and I need to keep people
distracted.

Just between us, we're nearly
out of ranch dressing.

On day one?

These people are animals.

Listen, as long
as he's on my boat,

Doug Judy is a free man.

Jake, Amy, welcome to my cabin,

AKA the Boom-Boom Stateroom.

This is a royale level suite.

I never thought
we'd see one in person.

Little perk of being

Carousel Cruises'
entertainer of the year.

♪ Which I am, girrr-rl ♪

A little pitch-y.

You're welcome to chill here.

It's the least I can do
to thank you for protecting me.

Never.
This protection scam is a scam.

Do you honestly think
you can fool me again

just because you've successfully
done it numerous times before?

Look, my old boss wants me dead.

I've been laying low
on this ship,

and I got word from
a friend on the inside

that they found me,
and there's a hitman

coming to end my beautiful life.

That's why I sent you
the free tickets.

No! No, no way.
I'm not buying it.

You can't get away
from me again.

Amy and I are gonna spend
every second of our romantic cruise

watching you,
assuming that's okay?

Yep. That's what we're gonna do.

Yeah.

I'll just get rid
of this itinerary.

No, no, no, no, Ames,
don't put that down.

We have to find the hitman
before he finds me.

I'm guessing this'll take us
all over the boat.

Oh, yeah, that's
an ENAC sitch right there.

"Every Nook And Cranny."

Perfect. We'll just ENAC
sitch, uh, of this bitch.

How's it going
with your sister, sir?

Well, last night,
she told me in a great detail

about a fight she got into
with her trainer,

whom she accused
of stealing a hairbrush.

Now she's on the phone,
screaming at our mother.

We'll keep her out of your hair.

I'm good at distracting people.

It's what I do with
my toddlers all day long.

How does she feel
about balloon animals?

I'm sure she has a complicated
relationship with them.

- Ray!
- Here she comes.

No balloon animals.

You ain't gonna believe
Mom's take on this.

She thinks I'm the one
who should apologize

just 'cause it turns out
the hairbrush

ended up being in my car.

Yes, I'd love to discuss
your hairbrush for even more time,

but I have some pressing
police matters to attend to.

Look at you.
Always working.

What happened
to my fun big brother?

Fun? I was never fun.
You take that back.

I'm sure she didn't mean
anything by it, sir.

When we were little, we would
go down in the basement,

and he would build us a fort.

We would stay down there
all day.

And Ray would sing these silly
little made-up songs.

George and Ira Gershwin
did not compose

silly, made-up songs.

Uh, Debbie, let me
show you New York, okay?

The buildings,
the subway, the bank,

the dry cleaner...
I got to run some errands.

Oh, that's a great idea, Gina.

Debbie, I'm so sorry
I won't get a chance

to see you much on your visit.

Uh, no thing but a chicken wing,

'cause I'm gonna be here
for six weeks.

I'ma be all up
in your life, okay?

I got five down.

I figured out the theme.
It's boats.

Okay, I get it.

She's smart and lovable;
you're scrappy and lovable;

together you're just
lovable and lovable.

Okay, so where's
this hitman, Judy?

Look, I don't know
who they sent,

but he's on the boat.

Check out this manifest.

Somebody boarded in San Juan
named Henry Coles.

Henry Street and Coles Street,

that's the corner of your old
chop shop in Brooklyn.

- This is an alias.
- Mm-hmm.

And my porter buddy checked out
Henry Coles' cabin,

He hasn't been in it yet.

He's hiding somewhere
on this boat

ready to jump out and kill me
at any moment.

Probably creepin' around
in my closet.

- Or stowed away in a lifeboat.
- Or hiding in a wall.

Or holed up in the engine room.

Camouflaged in the shrubbery.

Predator style.

No.
We are not having fun.

You will not suck me in
with your wily charms.

Señor Gotaro, un café
con leche, sin azúcar.

Gracias.

Hola, Mr. Gotaro.
Good to see you.

Can I talk to Rosa
for a quick sec

about some super serious
police work?

I know what
you're trying to do.

You brought him in here
to butter him up.

Yeah, and I've been
laying it on...

real thick.

Mint?

Okay, but you're
making a big mistake.

Nobody sucks up like a Boyle.

Of course, you knew that already
because you're so smart.

I just did it to you.

Fine, little man.

- Bring it.
- Okay.

Looks like you and I

are in a good,
old-fashioned suck-off.

Don't call it a suck-off.

Why not?
Why shouldn't...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Totally, yep. Mm-hmm.
Right. Smart. Good.

You brought your own
shuffleboard stick?

- Mm-hmm.
- They're called tangs.

You should be glad
she has her own.

You don't want her messing
with another man's tang.

There is no way
they're called tangs.

It's true. They are.

And the disks
are called biscuits.

- Yes.
- Tangs and biscuits?

That is so dumb.

I officially love shuffleboard.

Clear a path!
I'm about to whip my biscuit!

Yah!

Whoo.

About time you smiled, Jake.

You've been a real
tang in the mud.

- All right.
- Hey, little advice.

Amy is great.

You want to keep her,

be more receptive
to her interests.

All right, now you're
taking it too far, Judy.

I don't need relationship advice
from my criminal archnemesis.

Look, I just want
to see you two happy.

No. This is just
another one of your lies,

just like your fake hitman.

There is a hitman on this boat.

Henry Coles
is coming to kill me.

Excuse me?

- What?
- You said my name.

I'm Henry Coles.

You're Henry Coles?

According to
my medical alert bracelet.

Well, this is interesting.

This is Henry Coles.
Let's just take a look at that.

Oh, it says,
"Doug Judy is a liar."

Actually,
it says I'm a fall risk.

Okay, you're kind of
ruining my burn here, Henry.

I knew it. I knew Henry Coles
was a 90-year old man

with type 1 diabetes
and emphysema.

Obviously, I didn't know
those specifics,

but I knew you were lying.

So Henry Coles wasn't the guy.

My bad.

There's still somebody
on this boat

who wants to kill me.

You're trying to get away,

and it's not gonna happen.

We're spending the rest
of this trip in your cabin.

Amy and I will take sleep shifts

to make sure someone's
always watching you.

Thank you. That makes me
feel super safe.

And if you want to smush,
I have a sleep mask

and noise canceling headphones.

Can't we just lock him
up in there?

Do we really have to trade off
sleep for the next six nights?

I know. I'm sorry.

But he did say that he'd wear
a mask if we want to smush.

Fine. I get it.
He's the Pontiac Bandit.

You take the first shift.

Thank you so much.
You're the best.

Hey, NYPD!
Let him go!

Now do you believe me?

That guy was trying to kill me.

All right, fine!
Someone wants you dead!

You win.

♪ Smush, smush ♪

Ooh, I still sound
like an angel.

You sure?

Thank God you were
there, Peralta.

I knew you wouldn't let
your best friend die.

I'm still gonna arrest you.

I just can't do
that if you're dead.

Whatever you gotta
tell yourself.

Baby steps. It's hard getting
him out of his shell

Tell me about it.

Every time we get emotional,
he's like, "Noice, smort."

Okay, can we focus up here?

We still don't know
what your hitman looks like,

so we're gonna have
to flush him out.

Wait a minute.

Where do the toilets
on this boat go?

You don't want to know.

The pool?

- Ocean.
- Oh, that's even worse.

That's where my shrimp live.

Anyways, he'll probably
try to hit me

at my show this afternoon.

At least I'll die
doing what I love:

getting people horny at sea.

Yeah. Yeah.
That's gross.

All right, here's the plan.

We're gonna leave you alone
on stage and dangle you as bait.

Damn! Bait dangling?

If we're up on stage with you,
it could spook him.

We'll blend into the crowd,

and we'll take him down
before he even gets to you.

All right, I'll trust you.

But if you're gonna blend in,

you got to blend in.

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

♪ And getting caught
in the rain ♪

You two are looking good.

Really? I kind of feel

like I'm Jimmy Buffett's
tennis coach.

No, it's working.

You know I had a major crush
on Magnum P.I.?

Major.

Oh, should I grow a moustache?

Yeah, you should.

Actually, I can't.
I'm physically incapable.

I shouldn't have suggested that.
Should we go in?

You found me.

Drinking seltzer in the shadows.

I still can't believe Debbie's
gonna be staying with me

for six weeks.

Sir, when your neighbor
is playing

their terrible music too loud,

do you ask them to be quiet?

Hell no.

You blast your garbage,
and you drown 'em out.

You got to fight drama
with drama.

♪
♪

Debbie, it's just too much.

- What happened?
- Wait till you hear.

Kevin is all, "Hey, man,
I'm leaving for Paris,"

And I said, "Then go already.

I don't care," but I do care,

and now I'm like,
"Where's Kevin?"

Well, I didn't know y'all
had all of that going on.

Ugh, no one understands me.

And now you're here,
and I love you,

but, like, it's a lot.

Everything in my life
is a hot mess right now.

Damn.

Captain, the commissioner
called again.

He wants to know when
crime will be down.

Are you kidding me?
What am I supposed to tell him?

I'm under so much pressure.

I just can't even.

You got a lot on you.

And I don't want
to overstay my welcome

if that's gonna stress you out.

It will, especially
with Mercury in...

retrograde.

I am sorry.

I-I didn't know. I mean,
the only reason I came is...

'cause Gary left me.

What?

He was cheating on me.

But you know what?
No. No, no, no.

I'm not gonna burden you
with that, okay?

I will deal with that myself.

There's been a jailbreak,

and the Mafia's at it again.

Hey, what's going on here?

I didn't realize
we had more questions

to ask Mr. Gotaro together.

Oh, we don't.
I asked Mr. Gotaro all of them.

Wait. Hold on.
"Gotaro."

Isn't that a Andalusian name?

- Yeah.
- What a weird coincidence.

Pardon me, Detective Diaz.

Last night, I cooked up
a ton of Andalusian baby eels.

Unbelievable.

I love angula.

I mean, it's impossible
to find here.

Oh, not if you have a ton
of disposable income

and great credit, like I do.

I think you're gonna love these.
I really buttered them up.

Wow, thank you so much.

Uh, before I leave,
um, I should tell you,

you're both great applicants,

but I've decided to rent
the apartment to someone else.

I smiled at you.

For what?

Ladies and gentlemen,

widows and widowers,

welcome to the all-ages
piano lounge adults only show.

I'm Horatio Velveteen.

- Dope name.
- Mm.

This is a little song
I wrote myself,

called "Rosa, Rosa, Rosa."

Goes like this.

♪ Rosa, Rosa, Rosa ♪

♪ Rosa, Rosa ♪

It's so crowded in here,

and the lighting is way
too sexy to see anything.

- Come on.
- Okay.

♪ Right there on the floor ♪

♪ Is the man
you're looking for ♪

♪ He's right in front of you ♪

♪ A little bit to the left ♪

♪ My left, my left,
my left, my left ♪

♪ Come on this way ♪

♪ He's in a red shirt ♪

♪ No, not the Asian dude ♪

♪ I'm talking about
a bright red shirt ♪

♪ That's the man
you're looking for ♪

♪ That's the man
you've been looking for ♪

I got him. Follow me.
Ah, come on.

♪ This is still a love song ♪

Where'd he go?

Well, that ends my show,
all of a sudden.

You've been a great crowd.

Thank you very much.

He's taking me
where you smushed.

Jake, help me.
I don't want to die.

I'm still on second season
of "Game of Thrones."

All right, just put
the knife down, okay?

There's no murder
in the all-ages piano lounge.

Screw you, pig.

That is not a very all-ages
thing to say.

You just don't get
the vibe here at all.

Whoo!
Nice, grab that cord.

Let's get his arms.
Come here.

You just got tanged
by my girlfriend.

Sorry, I know that sounded
really gross,

but it was actually awesome.

You okay, Judy?

Judy!

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Bye, Peralta.
Thanks for saving my life.

No. Judy!
Don't do this!

No, not again!

Judy! Judy!

Where is Judy?
I've looked everywhere.

He has to be somewhere
on this boat.

Peralta!

No, he doesn't.

Sorry to do this to you, man.

I saw an opening,
and I had to take it.

I can't go to jail.
I'm too cool.

You'll never get away
from me, Judy!

I can't hear what you're saying.

You're real far away.

I'll just assume
you're finally admitting

we're best friends.

No, that is not what I'm saying!

Thank you.
It means a lot to me.

Enjoy the rest of your cruise.

Just remember,
you got a fine lady.

Don't be a tang in the mud.

Check your pockets!

Boom-Boom Stateroom, baby!

Awesome.

But this isn't over!

I will hunt you
to the ends of the Earth!

I love you too!

I'm so proud of us
for being able to say it.

What are you still
standing there for?

- Go smush!
- Judy!

No!

Well, okay, but my train
is in 45 minutes.

I don't have to say
good-bye to Ray.

I don't want to stress him out.

No, he specifically
asked us to get you.

Hello, Debbie.

You made a fort?

I thought we could
talk under here

about you and Gary.

Well...

I'm sorry I was
pushing you away.

I want you to know
that I'm here for you,

and I would love to be

all up in your life.

Aw, you...

- Give me a hug.
- Okay.

All right.

Mr. Gotaro.

You're under arrest
for the murder of your tenant

Shirley Crouch.

What are you talking about?

Is this because
I didn't rent to you?

No.

But that was suspicious.

Why wouldn't you want
cops with great credit

living in your building?

Great credit and an eel hookup.

Because you murdered her.

Toxicology report says
the old lady was poisoned.

Her apartment
was rent controlled,

and you couldn't
jack up the price

until she was out of there.

I just have one last question.

If you go to jail,
who makes the rental decisions

in the building?

It'll pass to a trust.

The bank controls it.

Game back on?

If you have to ask,

you're already one step behind.

I should help bring him back in.

- We're still police officers.
- Yeah.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

If the toilets drain
into the ocean,

does that mean a tiny shark
could swim up

and bite me in the butt?

No, not at all.

- Psh, lame.
- Look.

I know you're bummed
about the Pontiac Bandit

so if it's any consolation,

we could spend
the rest of the cruise

eating shrimp in bed.

That is incredibly sweet,
but no way.

We have too many
activities to do.

Eh? You'll never guess
what starts in three minutes.

- Salsa dancing.
- Oh, so you can guess.

♪
♪

Thank you for doing this.

I love you.

♪
♪

Noice. Smort.

♪
♪

I love you too.

♪
♪

Also, I think this is definitely

a dance class for widows.

- No, I don't think so.
- No?

♪CHECK♪

Yeah, we should get out of here.

- Are you sure? Okay.
- Yes.