Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - USPIS - full transcript

Have a nice weekend, Peralta?

Yeah, nothing special.
You know, I got a couple...

You missed Scully's birthday.

It was kind of a big one.

Nobody showed at the party.

Guys, guys, guys,
we missed Scully's birthday,

- and it was a big one.
- (Amy) I know.

I panicked and said
I had to go to the vet

because my puppy-cat got sick.

I said I had to take my mom
to get birth control pills.

(Terry) That's better than my excuse.



I said I had to go
to my girls' bat mitzvahs.

Squad, we missed Scully's
birthday, and it was a big one.

I told them I was in Ecuador.
I think they bought it.

We gotta make it up to him.

Let's give him cash.

Everyone, put in $20 each.

Uh...

Yes, I'll cover you.

Hey, Scully...

Huh?

We're sorry that we missed your party.

Oh, don't worry about it.
You all had stuff to do.

Yes, the capital of Ecuador is Quito.

Oh.



Anyway, Happy Birthday from all of us.

Thanks, guys.
You're the best.

- (All) Happy Birthday.
- Happy Birthday, Scully.

Thanks.

I can't believe it.
The fake birthday worked!

You're a genius!

We're both geniuses!

Thumbtack mug.

That was my thumbtack mug.

♪ ♪

I'm running this task force,
so everything goes through me.

Got it?
Good.

Jackson, some ecstasy was found
on the F train.

Take it to the lab.
Find out if it's giggle pig.

Scully, Hitchcock,
work your C.I.S.

Miller, get a new k-9.
That dog is an idiot.

[Dog whimpers]
All right, move out.

Hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry I'm late.

I had to go back to the deli
and return my everything bagel.

In what world does "everything"
not include beef jerky?

- All of them.
- Okay.

- Here's what's up.
- Yeah.

Task force brought in a giggle
pig dealer this morning.

Nice.

Second guy we've brought in
that's had one of these keys.

Huh.

My best guess, this opens

a creepy, old wardrobe/portal
to an enchanted land

full of talking toads and fairy folk.

Interesting.

It has something to do
with the post office.

It's got "USPS" engraved on it.

Take it to
the postal inspection service.

See what you can find out.

Copy that.

Hey, work this thing hard.

We're under a lot of pressure
with the task force,

so we could really use a win.

You got it.

You're my friend,
and I won't let you down.

I'm gonna push you up, just like a bra.

What?

I meant like a brassiere,
which is totally different.

Come on, man.

- Not better. Here we go.
- Here we go!

Santiago, I may need you to
come in for a bit on Saturday.

Again?
Are you kidding me, man?

[Gasps]

I'm sorry.
Let's start fresh.

Hi!

Oh, my God.

What just happened?

Her mind finally snapped,
like a stale breadstick.

Captain, please forgive me.

I'm just a little on edge

because I'm trying to quit smoking.

I can't take the stress
of hiding it from Teddy anymore.

[Knocking on door]

Be right out, Teddy!

[Gags]

I'm going cold turkey,
and it makes me irritable.

Terrifying.

I know I should be able
to do this by myself,

but it would be great
if you guys could maybe

keep an eye on me.

Of course, we'll do everything
we can to help.

Or, plan B, I could arrange
for you to go to a safe place

where you can just relax
and watch pretty boats go by.

Look, this one's on an island.

Okay, we're looking for room
247, agent Jack Danger.

Agent Jack Danger?

Wow, that name is buh-dass.

- Code for "badass."
- Yeah.

So buh-dass.

Ah, here we are.

Wait.

Cool guy, probably expecting
a cool knock.

That was incredible.

(Danger) Enter.

Are you Danger?

Jack Danger?

It's actually pronounced
"Dong-er."

It's derived from a Dutch word

meaning "prudence
in financial matters."

Oh, Jack Donger.

Also cool.

Have a seat.

I understand you need
a little help from the big boys

here at USPIS.

USPIS?

Yeah, U.S. postal
inspection service,

founded by Benjamin Franklin in 1772,

undoubtedly the great man's
greatest accomplishment.

Are you aware that he helped

popularize Parmesan cheese in America?

I am.

USPIS is the crown jewel
of the law enforcement system.

1,200 inspectors tackling
everything from mail fraud

to the shipment of contraband fruit.

And, of course, occasionally
assisting our little brothers

in the police department.

Little brothers?

Well, I am a federal agent.
You're just a local cop.

Nothing wrong with that.

(Charles) Uh, we're here
because we found this key.

- Whoa.
- Yes.

This sexy beast was used
to open a type of mailbox

we actually haven't used in years.

However, there are a few around
town that were never removed.

Real beauts.

I can find out where they are
and send you the locations.

That would be great.
Here, my email is...

Uh, no email.
[Chuckles]

I'll send it to you with r-mail,
which is to say, real mail,

because email has put hundreds
of my coworkers out of work.

How would you like it if they laid off

all of your fellow detectives

and partnered you with a robocop?

I've literally drawn sketches of that.

The robot has a backpack
that can carry me.

Hey, how's cold turkey going?

[Talking with mouth full]

I heard chewing gum helps.

You know, I never smoked, but
I did once have an addiction.

Food... it got bad.

You're not closed!

It's 6:00!

I need my mushu pork!

I need my mushu!

You know how I finally stopped eating?

You got too big to fit
through the kitchen door?

I learned how to beat my cravings.

Every time I wanted food,
I rebooted my system.

Are you ready to reboot?

When I'd feel a food craving,
I would dunk my head

into ice water and reset my brain.

Watch me.
Aah!

[Muffled scream]

Whoo!

I'm all good!

[Laughs] Yeah, you try!

- Okay.
- Now!

[Muffled scream]

[Gasps]

Do it again!

[Muffled scream]

It's so cold!
It's really cold!

Last time.

[Muffled screams]

We think the drug dealers
have been using

these out-of-service mailboxes
as drops

for giggle pig and money.

Good job.
I'm glad Danger was useful.

Actually, it's "Dong-er."

Although it should be
"Dong-est."

Can't imagine anyone being
more dong than this guy.

Sounds like he was a good resource.

He showed you
where the mailboxes were, right?

Yeah, but he also told us
how he brought down

a snail-smuggling ring.

For an hour.

Yeah, he showed us all these pictures

of the snails, and he called
them "the littlest victims."

Well, hopefully Donger will be
less annoying from now on.

Yeah, hopefully.

Wait, "from now on"?

- Yeah. Yup.
- No. No, no, no, no.

Please tell me I don't have
to keep working with that...

(Danger) Detective Peralta.

Hi.

Love your precinct.

Very primitive.

At USPIS, everyone gets his own office,

but that's because we're this
proud nation's first defense

in the war on terror.

Every envelope is
a potential target for Al-Qaeda.

Oh.

Detective Rosa Diaz, meet
my new partner, Jack Donger.

Please, I go by Jackie.

Jackie Donger.

Of course you do.

[Singing along to marching band music]

Take it away, Peralta.

Will do.

Shouldn't have done that.

B-side's got
some banging Sousa deep cuts.

Thank God we're here.
Look, there's a box up there.

Oh, yeah, that is some sweet
green curves right there.

We should talk to the falafel guy,

see if he's seen anything suspicious.

Uh, you should probably
let me take lead on this.

A lot of people don't like cops,

but everybody loves postal workers.

They do?

That's why the phrase most associated

with bringing goodness
into people's lives

is "going postal."

[Chuckles]
You're kidding, right?

"Going postal" means that...

I know what it means!

I just said what it means.
That's what it means.

[Laughs]

Okay.

Well, howzabout we avoid
human contact altogether

and check out the box?

What's the point of that thing?

Tradition and security.

Plus, I'd be lying if I said
it didn't look insanely cool.

I wouldn't.

Jackpot.
It's giggle pig.

Yes!

You have served your country
proud, little lady.

Stop!

Whoa!

Ow, ow, ow, help me up!

Peralta, help!
Help me up.

Don't ditch me!

[Groans] He's gone.

You okay?

No, I'm rattled.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

Where you going, Amy?

Oh, I was just going outside to...

See this pigeon I've been training.

It does the can-can.

That I gotta see!

Damn it.
I made my lie too enticing.

Fine, I was going out to smoke.

Your lame system-reboot thing
didn't work.

You know, I don't like
to talk about this,

but many years ago,
I myself overcame an addiction.

I could not get enough of the ponies.

Go, Razzmataz.

Go, Razzmataz.
Go, Razzmataz.

(Sports announcer) It's Bugle Boy,
winning by a head.

I lost everything.

What worked for me
was replacing my bad addiction

with a good addiction...

Exercise.

Grab your sneakers, Santiago.

You're going me on a lunchtime jog.

Great!
We can talk a little,

chat about the job,
do some mentor-mentee bonding.

We will exercise in silence.

No headphones either.

Music is a crutch.

[Siren wails in distance]

I'm sorry, let me get this straight.

You had a giggle pig supplier
20 yards from you,

and he got away?

What happened?

Your man here failed to follow

proper law-enforcement procedure
is what happened.

What?

Always check
for ground-level obstructions

before initiating a foot pursuit.

(Jake)
The ground-level obstruction

was your hand clutching my leg.

I have claw marks all over my calf.

I'm sorry, Rosa, can I talk
to you in private for a second?

- Yeah.
- We'll be right back.

Boyle, why don't you show Donger
what a fax machine is?

Okay.

Okay, imagine a letter had
unprotected sex with a phone.

Look, it's not just
that Donger's annoying.

He ruined the whole operation.

The perp got away because
he's the world's biggest tool.

No, tools can be useful.
He's the world's smallest tool.

I'm the world's biggest tool.

God! Do you see
what he's doing to me?

Look, these dealers
didn't just randomly start

using mailbox keys.

There's clearly a postal connection.

Sorry, dude,
you gotta keep working with him.

Okay, wait, wait.

Let's just put this
in perspective for a second.

Is this whole war on drugs really worth

the human cost of me
spending another minute

with this behonkus?

I don't know what
"behonkus" means, but yes.

"Behonkus" means butt,

and I think you could have
guessed that from context.

Seriously, Jake, I'm asking you
to see this through.

All right, fine.

I will do it for you as a favor
because you're my friend.

But if he tells me one more time

about how USPIS "mailed down"
the Berlin wall,

I'm gonna give him your home address,

and you will receive
holiday cards from him forever.

My own relatives
don't have that address.

Oh, I know.
I know.

[Watch beeps]

And completion.

[Sighs]

So how do you feel?

Really good.
No nicotine cravings at all.

The magic of endorphins.

I'm in a state of total euphoria.

Clearly.

Listen, I gotta jump in there, so...

[Phone rings]

Hello, Kevin.

No, I haven't seen it.

I very much doubt that.

Why would the housekeeper
steal your belt?

What husband?
She's a widow.

I... uh-oh, I have to go.

Santiago, are you smoking in there?

No.

Why do I see smoke?

That's steam.
I'm in the shower.

So what are a bunch of drug dealers

doing with old postal keys?

Maybe you guys forgot
to collect them all.

Mm, barking up the wrong tree, McGruff.

Postal service doesn't make mistakes.

- You lose millions of letters every year.
- Really?

Then explain to me why none
of these missing letters

have ever been found.

Okay, if it wasn't a mistake,
maybe it was an inside job.

Who collected the keys?

There are five people responsible

for key collection in the city.

Boom!
That's our list of suspects.

We shall call them
"The Fellowship of the Key."

I honestly think you are
the greatest man who ever lived.

Oh.

That's a no-go.

Tracking these people down
is a waste of time.

I say we keep surveilling
the mailboxes.

Look, I have worked a ton
of these drug cases, all right?

Once they know we're onto them,
they burn the whole system.

Trust me, they're done with the boxes.

Trust me.
I'm a federal agent.

You're not FBI.
You're not ATF.

You work for the post office.

Your motto is
"surprisingly, we exist."

Incorrect.

Our motto is
"nos custodimus quod lingus."

"We guard what you lick."

That's worse!

No, forget it.

I'm not giving you the list of names.

We're gonna keep surveilling
those mailboxes,

and if nothing turns up
after a couple of days,

then we'll go on your wild goose chase.

Hey, if you're hungry,
Maury went postal

and brought in muffins for everyone.

Sweet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go

grab a muff with some bluebs,
and when I get back,

we will discuss strategy
for the stakeouts.

All right, guard the door.

I'm gonna print out
this list of suspects,

and then we are ditching Donger.

It's kind of risky, Jake.

If this ends up being
a dead end, Rosa's gonna be mad.

You know, robo-partner would
not question this for a moment.

Fine, I'll be lookout.

- Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
- What? Is he coming?

No, but there's more than muffins.

[Sniffs]
There's banana bread too!

What?

This printer is so slow!

Come on.

Ugh, this place is the worst!

All right, two down, three to go.

Next on the list, Kent Delroy.

Worked at the post office for 12 years.

Quit two years ago.

That's the guy from this morning.

NYPD, open up!

All right, I'm gonna
break down the door.

No, let me do it.

Charles, that's never gone well.

Yes, but I've been practicing.

All right, fine.
You get one try.

Thank you.

Police!
Hands in the air!

I did it!
Yes!

Boyle, that's the bad guy.

Yup, yup.
Turn around.

This way, Santiago.

(Amy) What's going on?

Is this a dream?

No, I'm not holding a label maker.

Silence before the shaman.

Amy, I'm taking charge of your
journey away from addiction.

Gina is leading you
on a guided mediation.

Terry and I agreed to participate
as a show of support.

Okay.

And, Amy, you don't know this

'cause I don't necessarily
enjoy talking to you,

but in my early 20s,
I too battled an addiction.

I was a compulsive shopper.

Anyway, meditation helped
me past that addiction.

And it's gonna do the same for you.

Close your eyes and repeat:

I am in a vast hallway.

(All) I am in a vast hallway.

I walk into the light
of self-actualization.

(All) I walk into the light
of self-actualization.

For I am a powerful woman.

For I am a powerful woman.

I'm not hearing everyone.

(Terry and Holt)
For I am a powerful woman.

You feel the cool breeze
of enlightenment

gently caressing your face.

I feel it!

I feel the breeze.

Amy!

What? I'm not
the one with my eyes open.

Cheater!

Captain Holt is cheating.

Santiago, we're trying to help you.

I can't do it.

I quit quitting.

Hey, hey, people.

Task force, officially
on the scoreboard

with our first major
giggle pig dealer busted.

[Cheering]

Treat him well.

This guy is sort of the Mitch Globmun

of getting put in jail for this.

Globmun was the first kid
in my grade to get a pube.

Rosa, great news, my friend!

What the hell?

Donger just called
and said you abandoned him,

took information
from a classified computer,

and licked a roll of antique stamps.

The stamps were on me.

I was curious
about how old glue tasted.

Answer: Like a horse lollipop.

Mm.

Look, it's not a big deal.

Donger wanted us to waste
a week staring at mailboxes.

If I'd listened to him, I never
would have caught Delroy.

Or found his books, which tell us

there's a huge giggle pig
shipment coming in tonight.

I told you to work with USPIS.

Okay, I know I didn't do it

exactly the way you asked me to...

The way I ordered you to
as leader of the task force.

Do you think just because we're friends

you can do whatever you want?

Donger's furious.
He's on his way over here now

because they're taking over the case.

What!
He can't do that.

Yeah, he can.

They're a federal agency.

From now on,
any bust that comes from this,

including Delroy, goes to USPIS.

My task force gets nothing.
So thanks, friend.

This table tastes like
Scully's elbow blisters.

It's horrible and I deserve it.

I hate seeing you like this.

Rosa has every right
to be pissed at me.

I didn't follow her orders
and I messed up the task force.

The only way to make things right

is to do the worst,
most awful thing imaginable.

Dip your penis in vinegar.

What?
No!

Why would you say that?

In Sunday school, they told us

the Babylonians did that
to their enemies.

I've been terrified ever since.

Okay, well, what I have to do
is far, far worse.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I'm sorry I said
the postman was a flop.

I'm sorry I said
"forever" stamps are a lie

because the earth will eventually
be swallowed by the sun.

I know what you're trying to do

and I'm not buying it for a second.

I don't think you're sorry and
I don't think you respect USPIS.

Maybe at first,
but that was before I read,

"stamping out crime:
A history of the USPIS."

Oh, great read!

Yeah.

But it actually just scratches
the surface.

The real story begins
in the 16th century

with la poste Francaise.

Do you wanna hear about it?

Absolutely.
Please tell us that story.

And spare no detail.

The vinegar dip.

But this is when USPIS history
gets really good.

They actually moved the headquarters

back to Boston
from Washington D.C.

Let's jump ahead to 1820...

Wait, you're just gonna jump
a whole decade?

I mean, I'm dying to know

how the chief postal
inspector's sickly wife

adjusted to the cold
new England winters.

Okay, Peralta, I accept your apology.

You can have the case back.

Oh, thank you.

Truth is, I need some help.

Delroy won't tell us where
the shipment's going tonight

and his notebooks are all in code.

Have a look.

Have you checked out this phone number?

It doesn't exist.

Ten digits, what else could it be?

Two zip codes back-to-back.

But they're nowhere near here.

27889, that's Washington,
North Carolina.

80751, that's Sterling, Colorado.

Sterling Place and Washington Avenue.

Wait a minute, Mr. Postman!

That's where the giggle pig
delivery's gonna be?

Yup.
We gotta go, right now.

Could you please knock it off?

It's like working inside a beaver dam.

Oh no, a next-to-desk-sit-down.

Santiago, you're putting yourself
under too much pressure.

And that stress is making it
even harder for you to quit.

Some things might come easier to you

if you stop being such a perfectionist.

A concept you should become
familiar with.

"Familiar with?"

Mm.

A dangling preposition?

I'm setting an example.

I made an error and I'm not
going to correct it.

I'm just gonna let it dangle...

Dangle...

Dangle.

Thank you, Captain.

Okay, get ready, it's going down.

Wait, before we go in there...

Apology accepted.

No, I actually want to do it.

Ugh, so I have to suffer?

I'll make it quick.

I didn't follow your orders,

I took advantage of our friendship,
I'm a jerk, I'm sorry.

So that's what eternity feels like.

I could not have made that any shorter.

All right, what's the plan?
This dong is ready to ding.

What?

TAC team one will take
the north entrance.

TAC team two will take the east door.

Jake, you stay out here
and man the radio.

Oh, sure, whatever you need.
On it.

No, I'm just kidding,
you're coming in with us.

Jerk.

(Rosa) Ready?
On my count.

Three, two, one.

(Rosa) Freeze, police!

(Danger) Also USPIS.
And USPIS.

Down, down, down!

Go out the back door!

(Rosa) Down, down, get down!

Unh!

Hands on your head!

Unh.
What happened?

You hit your head
on the doorway coming in.

Got knocked out cold.

Do I have a bruise?

A little one.

Yes! I'm going on the wall
of heroes.

Did we catch all the bad guys?

Yup, we got 'em.

All right, another win for USPIS.

You're lying in rat turds.

It's all part of the job,
little brother.

It's all part of the job.