Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Det. Dave Majors - full transcript

Oh, my God!

Rosa's wearing pink!
Rosa's wearing pink!

♪

Maybe it wasn't her.
If he had a twin sister...

If Rosa had a twin,

she would have eaten her
in the womb.

Wait. Hold it. Stop.

How come none of you
teased her about it?

(Jake) It's Rosa.
She's scary.

You guys are unbelievable.

I once wore a tie
with a splash of purple.



You guys called me Mr. Grapes
for two years.

(Gina)
Oh, Mr. Grapes.

I forgot about Mr. Grapes.

If I wore a pink shirt,
you'd tear me to shreds.

(Jake) Well, yeah, but you'd look like
a My Little Pony with a gun.

(Terry)
Let me guess.

Your theater club
is putting on Grease,

and you're playing
a pink lady.

[laughter]

What are you guys
laughing at?

If Boyle was wearing
a pink shirt.

I get it.
That's hilarious.

What's happening?

Rosa is the one wearing pink.



And?

It's gorgeous.

I wish I could pull that off

Dream on,
Strawberry Shortcake.

(Jake)
Yeah, nice try, Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes!

♪ ♪

Last night, several masked men
robbed a number

of check cashing locations
in our precinct.

They also hit several locations
in the Nine-Three,

so this will be
a joint investigation.

Detective David Majors
is already on the case.

Whoa, Dave Majors?

Seriously?

(Rosa)
Who's that?

He's The best detective in
the NYPD, myself included.

His arrest numbers
are staggering.

His conviction rate
is magnificent.

He is blotter dynamite.

I mean, I'm cool.

I'm just hanging out
with you guys.

(Gina) Great,
but what's his body like

on a scale from Charles
to Terry?

Sorry, buddy.

What?

I'm the ten.

Sure you are.

(Jake)
Majors does just fine.

His girlfriend is the weather
lady from channel five.

You know, the one who's always
reaching for Cooperstown?

[whistles]
Love her.

(Ray) Well, I need someone
to partner up with him.

- Ooh, me, me, me, me, me.
- Oh, I'll do it.

Sir, with all due respect,
I'm the obvious choice.

I mean, look at me.
I'm not in profile.

(Amy)
Sir, please let the record show

that the sauce on his face
is from yesterday.

And it is that level
of eagle-eyed observation

that I plan to bring to...

(Ray) Enough.
You can both work the case.

Three heads are better
than two.

Also,
I fear any other decision I make

will just result
in further noise.

(Jake)
Good call, sir.

I was about to start chanting,
"Vote for Jake."

(Charles)
Let's do it anyway.

Vote for Jake.
Vote for Jake.

- Dismissed.
- Yeah.

Code Chartreuse.

I repeat, Code Chartreuse.

Gina, for the last time,

please limit your alerts
to ROY-G-BIV.

(Gina)
Disappointing.

"Code Chartreuse" means
"the recruiter

from Copperhead Security,
Gary Shaw, is here."

Gary Shaw has attempted
to pry me away

from the NYPD for eight years.

When he makes his offer,
I know just what I'll say:

Never is not just a crater
on Mars.

Of course,
it is a crater on Mars.

That's hilarious.

It's not meant to be funny,
Boyle.

It's meant to be devastating.

(Gary) Captain Holt,
good to see you.

Mr. Shaw,
let's just cut to the chase:

Never is not just a crater
on Mars.

Of course,
it is a crater on Mars.

(Gary) Well, actually,
I'm not here for you.

A member of your squad
reached out to me,

a Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well,
Sergeant Jeffords is out there.

(Gary) Thank you, Captain.

There's my guy
Terry the tank.

What? Guys. What? Guys.

Terry called him?
He's shaking Terry's hand.

Now I'm just describing
everything that's happening?

What the hell is going on?

I do not know.

And now Captain Holt
doesn't know.

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Oh, Majors isn't here yet?

I wasted all that coolness
on a bunch of nobodies.

I'm just gonna reset.

[imitates robotic whirring]

Jake, he's a
highly decorated detective.

He's not gonna be impressed
by your sunglass choreography.

He's gonna be too distracted
by my notebook flip.

Shut up. Shut up.
He's here.

Hey,
you must be the Nine-Nine.

- I'm Majors.
- Hey. Peralta.

This is Santiago.

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

You mean here in my notebook?

I looked into the baby masks
the perps were wearing,

and no stores
in the tri-state area sell them.

(Dave) Reminds me of a murder I worked
a few years back.

Perp always wore
these weird masks

We couldn't figure out
where he bought them.

Turns out he was making
his own masks

from human skin.

No.

That is so awesome.

Really, Amy?
For whom?

Sounds to me like those
face masks

were once somebody's face...
faces.

(Dave)
That's true, Peralta.

I think about that every day.

You and me both.
Ahh.

Okay, I'm gonna look around,
take a few statements.

Juicy. Juicy.

- Good call. Good call.
- Yep, yep, yep.

Tight, tight, tight,
tight, tight.

Well, looks like round one
goes to Peralta.

And don't worry;
I'm just getting warmed up.

I still have eight
sunglass moves

locked and loaded.

Make that nine.

A-whee.

[caws]

[hoots]

So how was lunch?

It was good.

I had the T-bone with...

(Charles) I don't give a crap
about the food.

Just email me
about that later.

What happened with Gary?

He gave me the hard sell.

Look at all this swag I got:

Puffy vest, carabiner...

Terry, carabiners suck.

You want free stuff?

Here you go.
All right?

You can have anything
you want from Amy's desk.

Yeah.

Gary made me an offer:

Better hours, great benefits,
a serious pay raise,

my own office...
with walls.

Did you tell him Terry
doesn't love walls?

No, Terry loves walls.

I'm seriously considering
saying yes

Look, I have another kid
on the way.

Do you know how much
diapers cost?

Yes.

The point is,

I'm trying to do what's best
for my family.

- It's not just about me.
- Exactly.

It's about me and how you are
abandoning me to these squares.

(Jake)
Yikes.

Look at all these baby masks.

Looks like someone's due
for a spanking from Papa Law.

Nice.

So the van was stolen
from a rental lot

three weeks ago
and dumped here yesterday.

Talk about
a curbside drop-off.

We're working a case here, Amy.
It's not Showtime at the Apollo.

Great point.
Thank you so much, Jake.

Well, I'm going to go sign
the van over to forensics.

Hey, listen, I'm a member
of this invite-only speakeasy

called The Keychain.

Want to get
a drink there later?

I'd ask Amy also,
but I can only bring one guest.

Nah, it's cool; I'm sure
she's busy tonight anyway.

Taxes are due
in eight months.

Actually, they were due
two weeks ago.

Well,
that is a horrible surprise.

But the point is,
drink sounds good.

[muffled music]

[knocking]

Password?

Tropical.

Oh, my gah.

This place is amazing.

Yeah, I come here
after ever case I solve,

which means I'm here a lot.

Oh, nice.

Every time I solve one,
I go get a steak dinner.

My cholesterol is uh-terrible.

[laughs] Milo,
this is my friend Jake.

We're working a case together.

(Jake) Yeah, and this is
my friend Dave.

We're friends.
I'll have a...

Oh no.
You don't order here.

Milo makes you a drink
he knows you'll love,

and then you love it.

Really?
Interesting.

Barrel Proof bourbon, neat
orange stood a chaser.

Well, to the first
of many hangs.

Yeah, totally.

Listen, the reason
I brought you here is,

I want to ask you,
what's the deal with Santiago?

Amy?
Oh, no.

Did she do something weird?

No, no, she's great.

I just want to know if there's
something going on with you two.

You know, are you together...

Oh, no, no.

Cool, when this case is over,

I'm gonna ask her out.

Oh.

You're gonna ask out Amy
when the case ends.

Perfect.

- Oh.
- [gasps]

Yeah,
that's a sippin' whiskey.

[exhales]

So it is.

Seems about right.

(Rosa)
What's wrong with you?

You and Majors have too much fun
last night at "The Keychain?"

Okay, it's a private bar,
not a haunted motel.

And no,
I did not have a good time.

Turns out he didn't want
to be best bros at all.

He just wanted to know
if I was cool with him

asking Amy out
when the case ended.

I thought he was dating
that weather girl.

No, he dumped her because she
blamed Hurricane Sandy

on gay marriage.

Anyways,
now when the case ends,

Amy is gonna marry
Detective "Blotter Dynamite."

Why do you even care?

You still like her?

I don't know.
I mean, we're friends.

And things have been
kind of flirty lately.

Plus, we had this weird
romantic moment thing-y

at Charles and Gina's
parents' wedding.

Ugh, just say you like her.

All right, fine,
I still like her.

Look, I've been thinking
about asking her out

for the last couple of weeks,
but it's hard.

There's so much buildup now,
you know?

Not really.
I don't ask people out.

I just tell them
where we're going.

Great, well,
it doesn't matter now anyway,

'cause I told Dave
to go for it.

That was crazy stupid.

Sorry.
That was normal stupid.

You should have told him
to back off.

I can't go around telling guys
not to ask Amy out

because I like her and I'm too
dumb to do anything about it.

I can't make
a woman's choice for her.

I stand with Wendy.
Did I do that right?

- No.
- Oh.

Look, If you want to give her
a real choice,

you've got to let her know
that you an option.

I think you know
what you've got to do.

Yeah.

Ask her out before
the case ends, right?

I just want to be
extra clear.

The stakes for me are through
the roof for me on this one.

You wanted to see us?

What are these
requisition forms?

We are throwing Terry
a "please stay" party.

My vision is a frozen yogurt
machine operated by Pam Grier.

Sir, we think Sarge is going
to accept Copperhead's offer.

I never thought
I'd say these words:

You have to put Gina in touch
with Pam Grier.

No, Sergeant Jeffords
can make up his mind

without the influence
of Foxy Brown or cold yogurt.

He is a grown man.

Oh,
I see what's going on here

You're upset that Terry
would even consider

leaving the Nine-Nine.

I'd expect this pettiness from
a spineless amoeba like Charles,

but not you, Sir.

I'm not spineless.

Come on, Charles.

Yep.

(Amy)
Ahh, look who's finally here.

We already solved the case
without you.

What?
You did?

Kidding.

Oliver was actually giving us
some pretty bad news.

Carry on, Oliver.

So we swabbed the whole van.

We didn't find anything.

No hairs, no fibers, no semen.

And a rental van is usually
a frickin' Jackson Pollock.

All right.

They also wiped
down the masks

with some sort of
bleach solution.

They were really
covering their tracks.

Check it out.

Well,
that wasn't very helpful.

Although, I did learn I should
never rent a van again.

Hey, can I talk to you
for a second privately?

Sure.
Oh, wait.

This isn't gonna be that thing
where you pretend you got

an important text from Holt,

and it's just that video
of screaming sheep.

I promise you it's not,
but I do stand by that prank.

So what's up?

Okay, I almost feel
weird saying this,

but I wanted to ask you...

wow, those pictures
are not helping.

Oh, my God.

They're really gonna
have to re-grout.

Ugh, finding a contractor.

You are so consistent.

Anyways, the question I wanted
to ask you is...

(Oliver) So I got the results
on that feces.

It's human,
but it's not all human.

You're not Dr. Gassner.

We are not.

- Can you give us a sec?
- Sure.

Real quick,
what was the other...

Dog and bear.

Wow.

I thought you'd really
be into that feces puzzle.

Normally, yes.

But I want to talk to you
about something else right now.

More specifically...

- Guys, dispatch called.
- Great, Dave's here now.

The check-cashing babies
just struck on Flatbush.

We've got to go.

Lead the way.

What did you want to tell me?

Oh, Captain Holt sent
a very important text.

Oh.

[sheep bleating]

[chuckles]

[sniffs]

What's that smell?

That's lavender.
Terry loves lavender.

A little homemade
honey yogurt

infused with
lavender and love.

Mmm, that is delicious.

Hold it.

This isn't some weird breast
milk or something is it, Boyle?

I mean, technically
it's from a sheep's breast.

Hey, Terry,
got any new baby pics?

You hate looking at
pictures of my twins.

You said since they
were identical,

I didn't need to take
photos of both.

That doesn't sound
like Auntie Gina.

I love your baby pics

and your stories about
the twins' sleep schedules.

Okay, I know what
you two are doing.

This is your weird way
of trying

to make me stay
at the Nine-Nine.

Well, I am loving it.

[laughter]

You know, the funny thing is,
Cagney naps better,

but at night,
that's Lacey's time to shine.

One time,
she went 8-to-8.

- Dang.
- Wow.

I know.

(Ray) Jeffords, I need you to digitize
all your case files

from 1995 to 1999 inclusive
by tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

But it's already 1:00.

I told Sharon
we'd have dinner tonight.

I was gonna have
a cup of coffee

so that I could stay up
and... kiss.

I suggest putting that
caffeine towards something

more productive
than "kissing."

Sir, what are you doing?

Making sure that Jeffords'
case files are digitized

by tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

I thought I was
perfectly clear.

I've got to call my wife,
tell her date night is off.

I sent her all those kiss-face
emojis for no damn reason.

(Gina)
Oh, no.

Despite what I've been
saying for years,

that ass just might quit.

I don't get it.

There's no rhyme or reason
to the locations they hit.

This place was so
well-guarded.

And why not hit the one
down the street

that just has an old man
out front?

It just seems so random.

Yeah, it's like...
oh, that feels great.

I don't think it's random.

These guys are too good,
you know.

We'll crack it.

I'm gonna go grab
some coffee.

Great.

Mm.

Hey, now that it's just us,

there's a thing
I wanted to...

to say a-da-za you.

Why doesn't your mouth work?

Why doesn't your mouth work?
Title of our sex tape.

- What?
- Your sex tape.

What?
No.

Look,
here's what I wanted to say.

Oh, no.
I figured it out.

- Huh?
- Here, look.

The trash cans, the van,
the jumpsuit,

they all say
"Johnny's Janitorial."

Not random.

They cased each location
as cleaners.

No wonder the van
was so spotless.

(Dave)
Hey, what did I miss?

Jake just solved the case.

Holy crap.
That's awesome.

[laughs]

All right.

I mean, but, you know,
it's not totally done yet.

You know,
still a long way to go.

Tons of paperwork,
and a case is never truly done

until the trial is complete

and the sentence is served
completely to its fruition

in prison.

Jake, just celebrate.

Okay.

Wow.

(Rosa)
Why the long face?

That Mexican candy
giving you nerve damage again?

Probably, but who even cares?

Why did I solve the case?

Why couldn't I have just
let those guys continue

to terrorize Brooklyn
until I built up the nerve

to ask out a girl?

You're a good cop.

Do not beat yourself up
about that.

I'm not a good cop.
I'm an amazing cop.

And I'll never
forgive myself.

The case is over,
Amy and Majors are on their way

to The Keychain right now.

It's too late.

Has she done
the double tuck yet?

When Amy really likes a guy,

she gets nervous
and tucks her hair

behind both ears
at the same time.

[giggles]

Well, I can never unsee that,

but no,
she has not done that yet.

Then there's still time.

Get in there
and bust up her date.

Show her you care.

Ruin her night.

You really have
a unique take on love.

Ugh, I've only gotten through
September of 1995.

What are you guys doing here?

Blowing your stupid mind.

We did the rest
of the files for you.

Seriously?

I'm gonna text my wife.

Now there's time for dinner
and a movie.

And none of that
"on demand" crap.

Tonight I'm gonna fall asleep
in a real movie theater.

Yeah, that's how we do it
in the Nine-Nine.

We got each others' backs.

Damn right.

Charles, make your own point.

Don't just pile onto mine.

(Ray)
Gina, where have you been?

You left your cell phone
on your desk,

and I assumed you were dead.

Mm, I would clearly be
buried with my phone.

Sir, these guys already
digitized all my files for me.

- Isn't that amazing?
- What?

Why did you snatch up
Sergeant Jeffords' task?

Because we're trying
to get him to stay.

Well, that's not your job.

Jeffords, you can
stay here and digitize

2000 through 2005 inclusive.

I expect it done
by the morning.

Great.

Now I have to re-cancel
on Sharon.

If I worked at Copperhead,
I'd be home by now

swimming in a pool
of gold coins,

like my boy, Scrooge McDuck.

[muffled music]

[knocking]

Password?

- Tropical.
- Mm-mm.

That's an old password.

It changes every night.

All right, fine.
Tropical one?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Augh!

Ahh!

Ha-ha.
Not cool, okay?

Look, just ask Milo
the bartender, all right?

He knows me.
Tell him Orange Soda is back.

I don't know no Milo.

The bartenders also change
their names every night.

And get out of here until
you know the password, man.

Damn it.
This place is so cool.

Come on, strangers.

Show me your lips.

There you go.

Got it.

[knocking]

Pepper.

Pooper.

[knocking]

Popcorn.

[knocking]

Plor-pa-pa.

Plorp.

Pa-aark.

Parked.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nooorse.

Bull's-eye.

Oh, no, the double tuck.

[clears throat]

Oh, hey.

You wouldn't kick out a hopeless
romantic who's only here

in the name of love,
would you?

Ooh, you would.

(Gina)
Terry!

So what happened at breakfast
with Gary?

Are you leaving us
for Copperhead?

Because I'm prepared to light
Charles on fire in protest.

Relax.

I declined the offer,
told them I wasn't interested.

Eat it, Gary.

I gave him back all his swag,

except the puffy vest,
which I, uh, lost.

I'm staying
at the Nine-Nine!

[cheers and applause]

(Ray)
Great news, Sergeant.

Really?

So you're done trying
to push him out, Yoko?

(Terry) Whoa, don't give
Captain Holt a hard time.

He's the reason I'm staying.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You're an adult, and you came
to your own decision.

Look at me.
I can't keep a straight face.

I played you like a fiddle.

Yeah, you did.

Digitizing those old files
reminded me

of all the cases I worked and
all the good we do in community.

What's best for my family
is that they grow up with a dad

who's proud of what he does.

Thank you, Captain.

Look at you.

You're like the wise old owl
from those lollipop commercials.

Terry's back!

[cheers and applause]

(Dave)
Hey, buddy, sorry I'm late.

I had to get this dumb medal
from the commissioner

for a double-murder
I solved last year.

Been there.

I had a pretty crazy
morning myself.

Jake, your taquitos exploded
in the toaster oven.

Thanks, Rosa.
10-4. Copy that.

So how did it go
with Santiago?

Actually, she wasn't into it.

Swing and a miss.

You're kidding.

Yeah, it was really weird.

I've never been
turned down before,

so unexpected.

I'm excited to see
what happens to me next.

Okay.

So... Blotter Dynamite
struck out, huh?

I know, but why?

What does it mean,
and why did she double tuck?

And how come she
turned him down?

Do you think it has
something to do with me?

- Rosa, what is she thinking?
- Jake.

Yeah,
I should ask her myself.

Hey, you just missed Majors.

I've got to say, he was looking
a little bit rough,

almost like he was up all night
crying or something.

Ha-ha, Jake.

I'm sure he's fine.

So...
what happened?

Well, I thought
we were getting a drink

to celebrate
closing the case.

But apparently,
he thought it was a date.

Right, and you were
not into that,

because he's so muscular
and in command of his finances?

He's great, but after everything
that happened with Teddy

and all the cops I know
who go out and break up

and then still have
to work together,

it's just too messy.

I've got a new rule:
I don't date cops.

Cool. Cool.

Yeah, actually, that's funny.
I have the same rule.

No more cops.

From this point on,
it's strictly dating criminals.

If you break up with them,

you can always send them
to jail forever.

Exactly, nice and clean.

- Mm-hmm.
- So...

Hey, I got an email
from the commissioner's office

about our case.

What did they say?

[sheep bleating]

Ahh!
Ahh. Ah-ha.

You got me with my thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- Great.

Oh!