Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - AC/DC - full transcript

The muggings were
confined to Cabot Street.

They began over
two months ago...

Just like this briefing did.

Please go to charisma class.

I'm here. I'm here.
Sorry, Charles.

No, Jake.

Never apologize for
making an amazing entrance.

My power went out last night,

and my alarm didn't go off.

Your alarm is power-dependent?

You brought this
on yourself, son.



The point is,
it will not happen again.

Carry on.

Sorry I'm late, Sarge.

No hot water this morning.

But I'm here, ready to go.

Will cause no
further distractions.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Seriously?

What is your excuse today?

More bad luck.

My car ran out of gas,

and then my clothes
disappeared from the Laundromat.

I had to beg one of my neighbors
to loan me some of his.

You never told us Sinbad
lives in your building.

If Sinbad lived in my building,



I would have a tattoo
on my forehead

that said "Sinbad
lives in my building."

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,

and I'm a half an hour early.

That's right, my string of bad
luck has finally come to an end.

Peralta, you failed
your drug test.

There were traces
of cocaine and methamphetamines

- found in your urine.
- What?

♪ ♪

Captain, this is insane.

I don't do drugs.

I mean, sure, a couple
of my teeth are loose,

but that's from dental neglect,
not meth.

Yeah, those tests
are unreliable.

Okay, let's not blame "tests."

I believe in you, Jake,

but come on,
he's going after tests.

Sir, listen:

the missing laundry,
the hot water,

the power, the gas,

now this?

This is not bad luck,
it's a pattern.

Someone's trying to sabotage me.

And who would want to do that?

Probably someone I put away.

It's the only explanation.

Or you didn't pay your bills

and you only put a quarter
gallon of gas in your tank

'cause you wanted to spend the
rest on mini-mart beef jerky.

Wrong, I buy my jerky online

from the world's
top jerkmasters,

so it looks like you need
to update your jerk Rolodex,

which is not as dirty
as it sounds.

Anyway, I can prove that I
filled up my tank, all right?

I even have a receipt,

because I keep all my receipts

like a mature adult person.

Laser tag,

wheelie shoes,

remote control monster truck,

aha!

Gas station.

Someone drained my tank.

Okay, I know you don't do drugs,

so maybe there is something
to what you're saying.

I'll talk to One Police Plaza
and arrange an appeal.

I'll also put someone
on this sabotage theory.

I got it.

Jake, when I find
whoever did this to you,

I'm gonna rip out their eyeballs
and fill their sockets...

I think you might be
too close to this.

Copy that.

Santiago, Diaz: look into it.

Noice.

In the meantime, Peralta,
you're suspended.

I'm gonna need you to hand in
your badge and gun.

All right, fine,
you can have my badge and gun,

but we're doing it
in your office

so I can slam them
down on your desk

and yell out,
"The system stinks!"

Actually, the procedure is
to bring your gun and badge

down to the equipment room
on the second floor,

fill out form 452-underscore-J,

hand said form in
to the inventory clerk,

and then receive a claim check
through interoffice mail.

The system stinks!

Hey, Boyle,

any progress with
that extortion case

you and Jake
have been working on?

No, I've just been
going over his notes.

Look how cool and illegible
his handwriting is.

Oh, I wish I could be that free.

But you know me,
ever the calligrapher.

Yeah, well, I thought you might
need a little more manpower.

Okay.

So I'm assigning you
a new partner.

Actually, partners.

Yep, there's definitely
something in there.

Looks like a peanut.

Bet it's a cashew.

You're on.

No, Sarge, come on!

They're terrible.

Stop exaggerating, Boyle.

They're good detectives.

They're fine.

Oh, no.

I pushed it in deeper.

They're all we got.

Sir,

Gina's dance concert
was last night.

Right.

The Dancy Reagan performance.

I've been so preoccupied
with Peralta's drug test,

it totally slipped my mind.

Me too.

But don't worry.

I told her we were there.

Was your favorite move
"The Gull"?

Or was it "Space Bubbles"?

Oh, I loved them both!

I'm a bubble man

and a gull man!

You lied to her?

Like a pro.

I couldn't hurt her feelings.

She really wanted
us to be there.

Well, I wish you hadn't
involved me in your deception.

I maintain a strict
code of integrity.

Come on, Captain.

You never told a white lie
to make a person feel better?

I only lie when someone's
safety is at risk.

Or if a juvenile aged
eight years or younger

asks about Santa Claus.

In which case...

I feed them some reassuring pap

about the logical impossibility
of proving a negative.

It's sentimental drivel,

but they eat it up.

So...

does this mean you're
gonna blow up my spot

and tell Gina the truth?

If she asks me, then yes,

I suppose I will have to
blow your spot right up.

Okay, this is
everyone I could think of

who would want to
mess with my life.

Perps,
people I've testified against,

the old guy
who lived underneath me

when I was learning
the Gangnam Style dance.

Wow, you've pissed off
a lot of people.

Well, that's what happens
when you live out loud, Rosa.

We need to look into
the power outage and hot water.

Do you have proof
you pay your bills?

Are you serious?

Guys, this is not my fault.

My reputation is being sabotaged

by some guy.

Or girl, you know.

Monsters can be women too.

Super progressive
attitude, Jake.

Look, we are on your side.

It's just, you're not
the most responsible person.

We have to do our job.

All right, fine.
You can see my bank records.

But I always pay my power bill.

Often late.

One time in person
with Canadian pennies.

Oh, my God, talking
about your finances

makes me sweat behind the knees.

Nice.

Hey, speaking of funky smells,

should we start this
investigation

at the urinalysis lab?

Hmm? Take a trip
to the old pee factory?

Jake, you're suspended.

Just go home, have a beer,
and smash something.

That's what I'd do.

Or take advantage
of this amazing city.

Go sightseeing.

MoMA has an exhibit
I'm dying to see.

It's all about
office chair design.

Oh!

Look, I know technically
I'm not supposed to help out,

but rules are made to be broken.

They were made to be followed.

Nothing is made to be broken.

Uh, piñatas.

- Glow sticks.
- Karate boards.

Spaghetti when you
have a small pot.

Rules.

Look, someone's messing
with my life here.

I thought you guys had my back.

We do.

But seriously,
you can't come with us.

Okay.

Fine.
I get it.

Protocol's protocol.

I'm gonna go check out
that office chair design exhibit

at the MoMA.

Rosa? Amy?

What are you guys doing here?

Our non-suspended jobs.

You're not supposed
to be investigating.

I'm not, I'm sightseeing,

just as Amy suggested.

At Brooklyn Urine and Blood?

Oh, yeah, the internet says

this is the number-one
urinalysis lab

in all of New York.

Fun tourist selfie!

Boink!
Not your best.

Anyways, I'm gonna take
a "walking tour" in here

while you guys ask
a couple of questions,

and also, I've been
waiting for 20 minutes.

Where have you been?

We had to find the addresses
of all 78 people

you said might want to hurt you.

Uh-huh.

And was there another
stop along the way?

We got coffee.

Those are cappuccinos.

You know how long it takes
to foam that milk?

Time you could have
spent on my case,

but I guess it's just froth
over friends with you two.

Anyways, let's do this.

Jake...

I can't believe
I'm about to say this.

I really wish you could come
look at urine with us,

but you can't.

You're suspended.
Go home.

All right, fine.

If you guys won't help me,

I guess I'll just
get myself off.

Context.

Context was
important on that one.

I get Greek yogurt,

'cause there's heritage there,

but Iceland?

No, no, no, no, no!

Hey, Gina!

What are you guys talking about?
Yogurt? Me too.

Let's keep talking about that.

Whoo!

Terry's out of breath.

Cool. I was just
dropping off some files.

Great, let's just
go out to your desk

and let's talk
about how that went.

Okay, Terry.

But first, I want
to ask the captain

for his impresh of my show.

Got any feed-b, or was it just
love, love, love?

Well, actually...

I thought it was amazing!

You were like a swan
who went to Juilliard.

It was so good.

Terry, I have already
received your praise.

I'm clearly fishing
in another pond right now.

I'm putting an end to this.

Sergeant Jeffords and I

were unable to attend
your performance.

Oh.

r compliments.

Terry is a practiced liar.

I'm sorry we missed the show.

I know that dancing is
an important hobby to you.

Hobby?

You think my dancing is a hobby?

Oh, yes.

Like me and antique
globe collecting.

It's thrilling, but nobody is
ever going to pay me for it.

Ergo, a hobby.

I get paid...

in applause.

But apparently not yours.

I know that maintaining
integrity can be difficult,

but in the long run,

everyone is better for it.

Attention everyone.

The tragic sound you hear
is the shredding of my spandie.

Gina Linetti
will never dance again.

So those threatening phone calls

were being made to Tim Orsk

of Tim O's Limos.

That's interesting.

This Orsk guy's name keeps
cropping up in this case.

'Cause he's the victim.

You know, he's
the guy whose window

was smashed with this rock.

Okay?

He's being extorted for $10,000.

Sure, but what do
they want from him?

$10,000.

I just said that.

We're trying to figure out
who's doing the threatening.

Wait.
I have a theory.

I think "limousine"
and "magazine"

come from the same word.

Just focus!

I'm sorry for snapping.

I interviewed Orsk...

Orsk!
There it is again.

Oh, you're useless!

You're completely useless!

You are without a doubt
the most incompetent detectives

I've ever seen.

And I'm including
that bomb-sniffing dog

who humps all the bombs!

You know your turning
signal's been on for 30 seconds.

I like to announce
my turning intention.

This isn't the Indy 500.

Well, when you finally change
lanes an hour from now,

we should go talk
to Jake's super...

see if there was a power outage.

What?

Oh!

Why would you do that?

I just broke into your car

and then
popped up without warning.

Not cool.

What the hell are you doing?

I thought I was hitching
a ride to Rikers

so we could interview
some convicts I put away,

but apparently you're still
wasting time investigating me.

Hey, it's your fault we have to
check up on your power outages.

You have three mini-fridges
plugged in to the same outlet.

Three mini-fridges are cheaper
than one regular one.

We're just doing our jobs.

Why don't you trust us?

How can I?

You didn't even know a man

was lying
in the backseat of your car.

And while you two
were busy lolly-gargling...

I'm not familiar
with the expression...

I was investigating.
I'll send you some selfies.

Look, we're gonna
get to your list.

We just have to rule out
other possibilities first.

You know, there is a real chance

that no one is after you.

Yeah, but I'm telling you
that someone is.

That should be enough.

And we told you to trust us.

That should be enough.

All right, fine.
You don't want my help?

You're not gonna get it.

Dude...

In fact, I'm deleting
your numbers from my phone.

Just let us take you home.

See you never.

Fine.

Where am I?

Hello, Peralta.

Geoffrey Hoytsman?

You're the one
who's been sabotaging me?

I'm just ruining your life
like you ruined mine.

You never should
have arrested me.

But I basically got
your cocaine charges dropped.

You only had to do 40 hours
of community service.

Right, but I wanted to
get them all done at once,

so for energy, I did way too
much cocaine and meth.

Went on a prolonged
psychotic episode

involving assault,
public fornication,

and, apparently,
the touching of my scrotum

to every doorknob
in a synagogue.

And you know what happened then?

They thoroughly cleaned
the synagogue,

you landed on your feet

and pursued your true passion
of selling ice cream?

None of that.

I lost my job
and my wife and my home.

An ex-client lent me this truck.

He likes me
because I got him off

on a strangle-and-mangle.

You have a phrase for that?

I used to, when I was
an awesome lawyer.

Now I'm just another idiot
living in an ice cream truck.

So that's why you put
drugs in my urine.

Hey, that was my urine.

Your urine is in there.

Why would you keep my pee?

I need belongings, Jake,

to feel like a man.

Look, this is a bad idea,
Hoytsman.

People are gonna notice
if I disappear.

See? Someone's already
looking for me.

You're in big trouble, buddy.

Your e-coupon for Big Mike's
Calzones expires today.

You're damn right.

And if I don't redeem that,

Big Mike is gonna get
real suspicious.

Big Mike is a cartoon

with pizzas for eyes.

All right, fine.

Maybe not Big Mike,
but someone will.

Shut up, Peralta!

Oh, boy.

Captain Holt,

here's your CompStat report.

This is how I move now.

Walking is too close to dancing,

and there's no more dance in me.

Plus I'm hoping my leg
muscles will atrophy

so I won't be
tempted to use them.

I bet you feel real good about
calling her dancing hobby, huh?

Sarcasm...
the coward's lie.

I don't get it.

Gina's always
so sure of herself.

She usually doesn't care at all

what people say
or think about her.

Maybe not with
most people, Captain.

But she cares what you think.

Fine.
I regret what I said.

But now, I don't know how
to make it right with her.

Lie!

Look, yesterday I told my twins

there were baby bunnies
in their stomachs

to get them to eat lettuce.

And that worked?

Yeah, but then they refused
to drink their milk

because they thought
the bunnies would drown.

So I bought a couple rabbits
and told the girls

that they hopped out of
their mouths while they slept.

I've lost track of your point.

They ate their lettuce,

I'm stuck with two bunnies,

and lying works!

Pretty good gag, huh?

A prostitute taught me
how to make it.

Ugh.
Where were you?

You were gone for three hours.

I know because I sang "This Is
How We Do It" 143 times.

Okay, well, I had to grab a few
things at the art supply store.

Kidnapping is 90% crafting.

Jake, you're gonna help me
get my life back.

You're gonna confess, on video,

to framing me for everything
that got me in trouble.

And why would I do that?

Because I'm high on bath salts,

emotionally unstable,

and pointing a gun at you.

Let's make a movie!

Hey, Boyle,

guess who caught
the Tim O's Limos perp.

Jake?

Is Jake back?

No, we did.

Scully and Hitchcock.

Signed confession.

You called us useless.

You called us incompetent.

You called us zeros in the sack.

Never happened.

Well, someone said it
to me last night.

Oh, uh, must have been my wife.

How did you solve the case?

We listened to those
voicemails again

and noticed the sound
of parrots in the background.

Got a list of employees,
did door duty

asking neighbors
if any of them kept pet birds.

We finally found
one who did, and guess what.

The landscaping in front of his
building was covered with these.

Same type of rock that
was thrown through the window.

I can't believe it.

What, you don't think
it could break one?

Watch.

I meant I can't believe
you solved the case.

Well, you were
wrong on that too.

Hi.
My name is Jake Peralta,

and this is my confession.

I destroyed the good name
of an American hero...

Geoffrey Hoytsman.

I framed him
for drug possession,

I got him fired from his job,

and I planted his scrotal prints

on the synagogue doorknobs.

Great, now just eighty more
confessions to go.

You've been very naughty.

I threatened to blow
Mr. Hoytsman's head off

if he didn't quote-unquote

"really cheap out
on his dad's funeral."

And while he slept,

I logged in to
Hoytsman's computer

and flooded it with Thai
pornography.

Starts crying.

"Starts crying"
is a stage direction,

you imbecile!

Also, I fathered two children
with Hoytsman's cleaning lady,

and it was I,
disguised as Geoffrey,

who spoke against her
at her political asylum hearing.

God.

You did it, not me.

I am a horrible person
who has done horrible things

to a truly decent man,

which is why I've decided
to take my own life.

Wait, no, I didn't decide that.

Spoiler alert!

Decided to take my own life.

That last take sounded great.

You really brought
my words to life.

You know, I should write more.

What a rush!

Hoytsman, you don't
have to do this.

Your life's not so bad.

Living in an ice cream truck?
Never showering?

That was my childhood dream.

I had everything.

I had friends, a wife,
two beautiful children...

out of three total.

Not a bad ratio.

And now I have nothing

and no one.

Look, I get it.

I know what that feels like.

You've only lived in an ice
cream truck for part of one day!

How could you possibly know?

Well, I know no one's
coming to rescue me.

I was so concerned with saving
myself and my reputation

I pushed all my friends away.

Wow.

Sounds like you're
having a breakthrough.

You should act on this.

You still have time
to make it right.

Really?
You're not gonna kill me?

Oh, jeez.

I totally forgot.

Thanks for reminding me.
Of course I'm gonna kill you.

Drugs make me say
such silly things.

Drugs are so silly.

Ooh, I'm gonna do some
right now.

- Hoytsman.
- What?

- Hyah!
- Oh!

God!
That's my nose!

That's where I put the drugs in!

- Gyah!
- Oh!

So long, Hoytsman.

Hyah!

I can't move!

I'm turtling.
I'm turtling!

Nice try, Jake.

Get up!

I can't.

Oh.

Yeah. Okay.
My bad.

What's this?

I'm selling my smoke machine,
glitter cannon, and castanets.

I would've put my soul on there,

but that was shredded
along with my spandies.

Gina, I want to
tell you something.

Dancing is more than just
a hobby for you.

It's a profession.

Oh, so you're a liar
like Terry now?

No, I'm no bunny-buying coward.

You are a professional dancer,

because I'm paying Dancy Reagan

to perform two shows at
our at-risk youth program.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Captain.

You just made me
the happiest, prettiest,

most talented girl in the world.

This is the best $8,000
you ever spent.

It's $200.

I'm sure you're
good for the rest.

Captain loves my dancing.

This is why you're alone, Jake.

We were bonding,

talking about our pain,

and you pull a stunt like that?

You were gonna kill me.

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

This is why everyone hates you.

You open?

Okay.
You keep it shut.

I really need this sale.

Hello, ma...
whoa!

Don't hurt me!

I'm someone's little boy.

Geoffrey Hoytsman,
you're under arrest.

Ow.

Oh, I am so relieved
you guys found me.

Wait, how did you find me?

You hadn't done anything
super annoying to us

for, like, five hours,

so we knew something was wrong.

Oh, that's very insulting

but dead on.

We looked through those
irritating selfies you sent us,

and in the background
of three of them

was an ice cream truck.

We ran the plates
and put out an APB.

I'm sorry we doubted
anybody was sabotaging you.

No, I'm the one
who should apologize.

For some reason,
I have trouble believing

people actually have my back.

I don't know why.

Probably my dad abandoning me.

Maybe something I should work
out in therapy, but...

who has an hour to spare
once every two weeks, right?

Anyways,

I'm sorry I acted
like a jackass.

Wow, Jake, you're so sincere
since you got off coke.

And meth.
That was the hard one to kick.

No, the hard one to kick
is angel dust,

which is why I am
locked in for life.

Hey.

I double checked your evidence.

Everything looks good.

I got to say...

you guys are good cops.

Hyeah, no doy!

How do you think we got to be
the oldest guys here?

By never being promoted

and losing all
your money to divorces?

And bad investments.

Anyway, I'm sorry
for calling you useless.

I'm gonna make sure
everyone knows you did good.

- Boyle, please don't.
- Don't?

The last thing we need

is to suddenly be
on everyone's A list.

The ones to watch.

The golden boys.

Pair of red hot dicks.

No one calls detectives
that anymore.

People call detectives that?

All that
investigating was exhausting.

Besides, we did our share
of that in the '70s and '80s.

Now we like to do paperwork
in our comfy chairs.

If we're away from
our desks for too long,

they'll update our computers,
and we'll lose Minesweeper.

So please, don't tell anyone

about the amazing work
we did today.

I never said "amazing."

You kind of just did your jobs.

There you go.

No, really.

I mean, you also broke a window.

Now you get it.

Your suspension
has been lifted, Peralta.

Well, that's great news, sir.

And now it is time
for the traditional

handing back of gun and badge

to the vindicated hero ceremony.

Everyone in!

I don't have your gun
or your badge.

Just take form 891-underscore-J
down to the equipment room

and retrieve your things there.

I'm sorry,
but that's unacceptable.

Come on, Captain.
I need this.

We all need this!

Fine. Fine.

If this will make you happy...

I believe these belong to you.

Congratulations.

That's very nice.
Thank you.

But as I've said before,
the system stinks,

and this isn't over.

I say we march down
to city hall!

Get out of my office.

Yup.