Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Captain Peralta - full transcript

(Charles)
Jake, you gotta see this.

There's something going on here.

Something a little...
hairy.

Nope.

Don't see anything
out of the ordinary.

Really?

Well, maybe I should...
frame the question differently.

Terry, do you notice anything?

Amy?

New shirt?

Oh, come on, guys.



I grew a goatee,
and it looks amazing,

and I know you can see it.

Of course we can see it,
Charles.

It's horrible.

It looks like you unclogged
a shower drain

with your mouth.

Yeah, you look exactly
like the guy

in the "Don't Talk to Strangers"
poster.

No, I don't.

Are you talking
about your new goatee?

Mm-hmm.

I think it's a good choice
for your face.

Come over here,
so I can take a better look.

Thank you, Captain.



I knew you'd appreciate Bianca.

That's right; I call her Bianca

because she's dark and thick

like my first cousin Bianca.

Jeffords, Peralta, now.

Wh... [shouts]

Say good-bye to Bianca, Boyle.

[screams]

No!

♪ ♪

Hey, Charles.

I want to ask you something,

but you have to promise
not to get excited and weird.

I can't promise anything
of the sort.

It's about restaurants.

[giggles]

I'm so glad
I didn't make that promise.

Oh, boy.

All right, where do you take
your dad

when you want to go
someplace special?

Great question.

We go to Csaba.

It's a Hungarian restaurant

that serves "Tál ezer kolbász,"

the platter
of a thousand sausages.

Ugh.

It's symbolic of our manhood.

Okay, I should've saved
the "ugh" till then.

Anyways, I'll try and get
a reservation.

My dad's coming into town,

and we're going out to dinner
tonight.

Why are you going to dinner
with him?

He hasn't visited you
in six years.

Yeah, he's busy.
He's an airline pilot.

Regional airline.

He flies internationally.

[scoffs] Quebec to Albany.

What is going on here?

What's your problem with my dad?

I'm just being wary.

He left you when you were seven,

and he's been letting us down
ever since.

Us?

I think of you
as a brother, Jake,

so he didn't just abandon you;
He abandoned us.

Look, I know he hasn't been
the best dad in the past,

but he's changed.

Check it out.
We've been texting.

"New phone.
Who dis?"

No, below that.
Oh.

See, he's coming into town
just to see me.

All right, we're gonna go out
to dinner tonight,

then maybe take a walk
through the park,

possibly a carriage ride.

If I get chilly,
he could loan me his coat.

I'm describing a date.

I don't know what fathers
and sons do,

but I'm gonna find out!

(Terry)
Joining us for lunch, sir?

Oh, no, I've already consumed
the required calories

for this day period.

Yummy.

But I do have
some fun lunch chitchat.

When I was a detective,

my old c.o., Jim Martins,

used to keep us on our toes

by have us solve brain teasers.

I thought maybe you'd like
to try one.

Don't just tease my brain,
Captain.

Really go to town on it.

Yeah, bring it on, sir.

I love puzzles.

They're like power squats
for your mind.

Good.
Here's a problem.

There are 12 men on an island.

11 weigh exactly
the same amount,

but one of them is
slightly lighter or heavier.

You must figure out which.

And what do these men look like
facially

and with respect
to their bodies?

It's unimportant.

So like Tyrese.

It's a land of Tyreses.

Sure.

The island has no scales,

but there is a seesaw.

The exciting catch:

You can only use it three times.

That sounds super exciting.

Is this thing mandatory?

Oh, I hope so.
Please say yes.

No, but there is a prize
for whoever solves it first.

Two tickets to this Sunday's

Beyoncé Knowles
rock music concert.

I'm in.

Marcus loves Beyoncé.

Everyone loves Beyoncé.

My girls were conceived
to Bootylicious.

Don't tell my wife
I told you that.

[cell phone chimes]

Whoop.

Guys, my dad just texted.
He's in the building.

Scully, stop eating.

Terry, start flexing.

Everybody be cool.

Paging Detective Jake Peralta.

Ah, Dad!

How are you, son?

Good to see you.

Hey.

Everyone, this is my dad.

Hey, introduce yourself
in your captain's voice.

Folks, this is
your pilot speaking,

Captain Roger Peralta.

If you look to your left,
you'll see me,

making your acquaintance.

Love that.

Hi, I'm Jake's best friend,
Charles.

How are you?

Pop quiz:

What's Jake allergic to?

Bees.
And wasps.

Guy didn't even include wasps.

Huh!

Wasps.
Those aren't even real.

Oh, hey, Captain Holt.

Come meet my dad,
Captain Peralta.

Hello, Captain.
Captain.

This is super weird for me.

Captain.
Captain.

Anyways, you guys,

my dad is the best pilot.

Oh, come on.

Tell them about Oregon.

Okay, this one time
I'm in Eugene,

I'm hitching a ride in
the jump seat of a commuter jet.

I'm sleeping off
a wicked hangover.

Noice.

All of a sudden,
there's a jolt and a boom.

A bird.
It was a bird.

Yeah, we sucked a bird
into our intake.

Next thing I know, the cabin's
filling up with smoke,

alarm's going off,

engine flames out and dies.

We are in a dead stall.

I look over at the pilot,
Sam Power...

(both) Great name.

He's white as a sheet.

And he says to me...
I'll never forget what he said.

He says,
"Bobby's got a big ol' butt."

Turns out he's having a stroke.

Bring the plane down
on a highway,

right across from a rest area.

Get on the PA,

I say, "Folks,

coffee's on me."

What?
Wow.

Are you kidding me?
[applause]

Anyway, I'm not here
to talk about me.

I'm here to spend some time
with my boy.

Ah, Dad.

It's good to see you.
You too.

Oh, hey, let me give you
a tour of the precinct.

Cool.

Ooh, you can interrogate
one of my perps.

No, he can't.
Don't do that, Jake!

You might as well save yourself
some paper

and give up now, Sarge.

You know I'm going to solve
this first.

You probably can't tell,

but I'm flexing my brain
like crazy right now.

(Gina) Yeah, you're both
wasting your time.

Beyoncé's my spiritual twin.

Those tickets are my birthright.

No offense, but this is gonna
come down to me and the sarge.

Whoa, you think you two
are the only ones

that can solve puzzles?

Yeah, what about Rosa, Gina,
and me?

Is this how you want to die,
Hitchcock?

Look, it's just that the sarge
and I are really into puzzles.

Remember when I took
that Sudoku cruise?

I never even went on deck.

100 bucks says Gina and I
can solve this thing

before you two puzzle dorks.

[scoffs]

Deal.

You're going down.

You're really not a part
of this, Hitchcock.

(Jake) [sighs]

Did they bring out more sausage

while I was in the bathroom?

No, that's still
the first mountain.

Good Lord.

Anyways, do you remember
what you always did

when you'd take me to dinner
as a kid?

Tell the waitress
it was your birthday,

so we'd get a free dessert?

I already did it.

[scoffs]

I just told them
it was your birthday.

Come on.

Looks like we're going to get

two free probably disgusting
sausage-filled desserts.

This is pretty fun, right?

I mean, we're actually bonding.

Jake, there's something I want
to talk to you about.

Last week I was flying
into Albany from Quebec,

you know how I always
keep my snowboard with me

in case I get a chance
to carve...

So cool.

Well, Canadian customs found
some prescription meds

in my board bag.

They're accusing me
of smuggling.

What?

Yeah, I have no idea
how they got in there.

They're not mine.

But it's bad.

I could lose my pilot's license.

But you're the best pilot
in the world,

I'm guessing without knowing
anything about the field.

I'm really in a bind here.

Jake, I need your help.

That's actually
the reason I'm here.

Oh.

That's the reason.

Happy sausage birthday
to both of you.

[all singing in Hungarian]

♪ ♪

All right, let's talk
about my dad's case.

The case of why he came to town?

I solved it:

Because he wanted
to take advantage of his son.

(Jake) Okay, fine.

First I was a little upset,

but then I realized
this is great.

You know, we'll get to spend
some time together,

and he'll see
what a good cop I am.

He should already think
you're great.

Like with my dad,

he doesn't need me to prove
to him

that Jake Peralta is
the best cop in the precinct.

He knows it!

Tell us about the case.

Here's what we know so far.

One, Hungarian sausage
is an oily mess,

and it causes nonstop dumps.

The incontinence
is a small price to pay

for the deliciousness.

It's disgusting,

and it was
a terrible recommendation.

Two, the Canadian cops
think that my dad

used his security clearance
to smuggle in

over a thousand pills
of Turgidol.

Canadian erection medication.

Very potent.

What?
I don't need it.

[whispers] But I love it.

Oh, boy.

Three, the case against him
looks pretty solid.

Four, he's never been
a good dad to Jake.

Five, he has been a good dad,

especially from ages
zero through seven

and yesterday through forever.

Six, nonstop dumps.

(Holt) Enough.
How did you read these files?

They're in French.

Scully translated them for me.

When I was nine,
my parents took me to Paris,

and they accidentally left me
at the Louvre.

By the time they figured it out,

they were already
back in Queens.

Okay, no one cares
about your boring life, Scully.

This is about my dad
and proving his innocence.

Sir, I'd like to go to Canada
for a few days

and help him out.

Of course,
but take Boyle with you.

It'd be good to have
an objective set of eyes.

Fine, but under protest
because he's a jerk.

Also, we'd like to take Scully
with us.

Well, perfect.

I do you a favor;
You do me one too.

Thank you.

All right, there is no way
we let Amy and the sarge

beat us.

We sit here
until we figure this thing out.

Rosa, my mind is ready.

Okay.

"There's an island with 12 men."

Oh, I'm so bored.
I cannot do it.

I can do this.

One guy's slightly heavier.

There's a seesaw.

I got it.

You use the seesaw to press down
on their necks

until fatty confesses.

Incorrect.
Damn.

And disturbing.

(Roger) Hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is your captain speaking.

That's my dad.

The captain talking right now,
I came out of his body.

No big deal.

We're headed
for an on-time arrival

in Drummondville, Quebec.

Folks, this is a special flight
for me,

because sitting in seat 3B
is my son, Jake Peralta,

one of New York's finest.

[applause] Oh.

Thanks, Dad!

Love you too.

Got to admit,
it was pretty nice of him

to bump us up to first class.

Ugh, this plush fabric
is making my rump sweat.

Maybe you're just
a little too uncultured

to enjoy such a sophisticated
kind of an experience.

Oh, brother.

[English accent] What do you say
there, Scully, old boy?

Look at this nut mix:

It's half cashews!

I hope we never land!

So loud.

Hey, guys.

How you enjoying the flight?

So how's the case going?

Oh, good.

We already have four suspects

who work at the airport,

and I want to talk
to your girlfriend, Denise,

because she had access
to your bags.

Not on the night in question.

She's been spending some time
at her place.

Relationships are complicated.

You cheated on her a bunch,
and she found out.

Okay, I deserve that.

Charles, I have cheated
on women in the past

and on this one too.

You got a penchant for blondes.

Hey, come on,
you can't blame a guy

for occasionally dropping anchor
at the cold Commodore Club.

[laughter]

So seriously, Jake,
this is going to be okay?

Oh, yeah.
You're going to be fine.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, Jake.

Who's flying the plane?

Co-pilot, Scully.
Co-pilot.

Okay, look.

Let's try a new approach.

We weigh these three islanders

against these three islanders.

If they weigh the same,

we eliminate them,

and if they don't,

we...

Where'd they go?

Terry's mouth is full of donuts.

You said we could eliminate 'em!

Only if they weigh the same.

We've been here forever.

I'm getting snacky.

Fine.
Let's start over.

Okay, we balance
three against three,

and if they weigh the same,

we just...

What just happened?

Come on, man.

Stop eating the islanders.

I'm saving them

from this weight-obsessed
nightmare island.

By murdering them?

I warned you
against using donuts.

They're my trigger food.

Mmm.
Terry.

These islanders are delicious.

Okay, so two of our suspects
are in the baggage area.

Do you think you can
get us access?

You're with a pilot.
I can get you in anywhere.

Hey, you guys want
a 10% discount

on duty-free maple syrup?

Do I ever!

(man with French accent)
Roger Peralta.

Roger Peralta...
[speaking French]

Hey! What?

Scully, what's going on?

[speaking French]

(Scully)
"Roger Peralta is under arrest

for possession
of a controlled substance."

What?
[speaking French]

"They found pills
in his apartment."

(Roger) Jake,
I don't know what he's talking about.

I swear I don't know how
those pills got in my apartment.

Wait.
Jake.

Scully, tell them we're cops.

Tell them!

[speaks French]

Shoot.

That means "turnip."

I said we were turnips.

I got it.
Don't worry.

We are turnips!

Nope, that was English.
Yeah.

The cops said your dad's
being held without bail,

they want us
on the next flight out,

and that Bernard's
is the best poutine place

in the airport.

You want some?

No, I don't want poutine
right now.

Yes!

Man, I can't believe they found
pills at my dad's place.

That means none of our suspects

could've possibly done it.

Oh, my God, Boyle.

Is there a chance that my dad
is actually a drug smuggler?

Well, let's look at the facts.

Drugs in his luggage,
drugs in his apartment.

Terrible dad, terrible husband,

cheats on his girlfriend.

I think he did it.

You're right.

He didn't do it.

That's not what I said.

No, you said
he cheats on his girlfriend.

Presumably, he has
to do that with someone,

and that someone
would have access

to his apartment and his bags.

Dad dropped anchor
at the Commodore's Club.

"Someone" is there.

Even so, how do we get in there?

By wearing Dad's pilot uniforms.

No, Jake, I just don't think
he's innocent,

and I just think...

So you don't want to be
my co-pilot?

I'm in!

(Norman Greenbaum) ♪ Going
up to the spirit in the sky ♪

♪ Spirit in the sky ♪

♪ That's where I'm gonna go
when I die ♪

♪ When I die ♪

♪ When I die
and they lay me... ♪

Sorry, Scully.

We only had two uniforms.

It's okay.

For some reason, all the fries
and gravy and cheese

upset my tummy.

(both) Huh.

♪ ♪

♪ Going up
to the spirit in the sky ♪

♪ Spirit in the sky ♪

♪ That's where I'm gonna ♪

Are you here because you've
solved my brain teaser?

Sir, you've been an underdog
your whole life.

But you defied the odds
by having others

secretly help you

'cause you didn't have
what it took.

That's not my story.

But now we're the underdogs,

and we're the ones who need
a handout,

so just tell us the answer.

Or have you forgotten
where you come from?

I'm not gonna help you.

I told you
that was not gonna work.

Stop the clock.

We're here,
and we have the solution.

First, you weigh six versus six.

Wrong.
That'll never work.

You just wasted your time
and mine.

Click!

I just captured the exact moment

when you realized
you had failed.

I guess we all got

something out of this.

(Holt) So that's it?

This problem is
beyond all of you?

No one solved it.

Believe me.

No one is more disappointed
in me than me.

"Than I," Santiago.

[whispering] Click.

Hi there.
Yeah, that's us.

Home sweet home.

Got dem wings.

Yeah.

Ooh. Okay.

Boom, right there,
behind the bar.

That's my dad's type.

Oh, he likes 'em neat and clean,
real tidy.

What?

No, blondes.
He likes blondes.

All right, here's the plan.

We're gonna go sit down,

order a couple of drinks,

grab her fingerprints
off the glass she serves us,

and then measure her wrist
for handcuff size.

Ready?
Yeah.

Oh, crazy flight.

(Charles)
Oh, those hydraulics were loud.

Yeah.

Ah, bonjour, bonjour.

Two whiskeys, please, Chantelle.

Thanks.

Say, I'm looking
for an old sky pal of mine.

Do you know Roger Peralta?

Yes.
Yes, I do.

How do you guys know Peralta?

Oh, I used to fly with him
back in Oregon.

My name's Captain Spike Masters.

This is my co-pilot Wanda Cohen.

(Charles) I drive
the plane when he sleeps.

I also take care
of hotel accommodations.

Where'd you guys say
you flew in from?

Akron.
Luxembourg.

Connected in Akron.

Took the old 78... 9er
on the wind stream.

You know, flight stuff.

Anyhow...

[sighs]

Can we grab those two whiskeys,
please?

I do not know who you are,

and I do not think
you are pilots.

Your suit doesn't even fit.

Ah.

I had my stomach stapled.

Sécurité! Sécurité!

[speaking French]

Ah!
Unhand us.

This is outrageous.

I demand to speak
with the commodore himself.

There's no way
we'll get her fingerprints now.

Oh, really?

Voilà.

French.

She cleaned the bar
quite thoroughly,

but this bottle is filthy
with her prints.

Smurt.

That's why you're the pilot,

and I'm the co-pilot.

Copy that, Wanda.

Copy that.

Wanda Cohen.

(Rosa) Wait, Captain.

Gina and I figured out
your dumb brain teaser.

I highly doubt that, sir.

I'll judge for myself, Santiago.

Okay, Diaz.

What's the solution?

We have no idea.

Ha!
Told ya.

But neither do you, sir.

What?

Captain Holt,

you don't know
what the solution is.

Excuse me?

Here's how we cracked it.

I took the photo of you
demolishing Amy's spirit

and made these clever T-shirts
that say, "#nerdfail."

It's not that clever.

It's hilarious.

Look at this.

Your expression
is the same as Amy's

because you're both devastated

that you just
let down your mentors.

(Gina)
I looked at your calendar.

You're supposed to have
breakfast with your old c.o.

You wanted us to solve
the problem before you saw him.

That's crazy.

She's right.

What?
No.

He posed that problem to me
20 years ago.

Every time I see him, he asks,

"Do you have the answer yet?"

And I never have.

Those islanders
and their pathetic seesaw

haunt my dreams.

They mock me in my sleep,

riding up and down
on a teeter-totter of taunts.

Cool.

So who gets the Beyoncé tickets?

(Jake) ♪ O Canada ♪

♪ You home of crappy cops ♪

Guess who just freed his dad
from Canadian prison

and slammed six free mimosas

on the first-class flight home

sans the juice?

Spoiler alert, it was Jake.

It was me.

So turns out

my dad's sidepiece framed him.

She was hella pissed

'cause she found out
about his real girlfriend

and his other sidepiece.

So yeah.

Turns out my dad
is a great guy after all.

And in celebration
of my freedom,

I'm taking
everybody out tonight.

Drinks are on me.

(Jake) Eh?

Where's Scully?

Scully.
Oh, no.

Who?

(Jake) Hey, Hank.

When you see my dad walk in,

can you dim the lights

and play We Are the Champions?

No.

I don't know
what your dad looks like,

I don't have the song...
[phone chimes]

And the lights
aren't on dimmers.

Oh, no.
It's okay, Jake.

You give me the signal,
I'll start unscrewing bulbs.

No, my dad just texted.

He's not coming.

To Jake's dad!

[all cheer]

Yep.

Sorry, Jake.

I'm sure your dad has
a really good reason

for not being here.

No, don't do that, all right?

Don't let him off the hook.

That's what I've done
my whole life.

You know, when he missed
my 11th birthday,

I blamed myself for being born
on a peak travel day.

You were right about him, Boyle.

So what do we do now?

Hug for ten minutes.

No, give me a rain check
on the hug.

There's something I got to do.

You can have my beer.
Cool.

[knocks on door]

Jake.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it
to the party.

I'm subbing for a buddy
who's got an early flight.

I'm sure you're upset.

No, actually,
I'm not upset at all.

Yeah?

Great.

No, more relieved.

You know,
you were always my hero,

but I think I'm finally
starting to see you

for who you really are:

A regional airline pilot

whose landings are bumpy as hell

and a pretty selfish guy

who genuinely doesn't care
about being a dad.

Jake, you don't understand.

There was a downdraft
on the Drummondville runway.

Oh, wow.

It's not my fault.

Yeah, clearly.

Look, I've been making excuses
for you my whole life,

but you're
a pretty crappy father,

and until you're ready
to be a good one,

don't call me.

Also I'm taking your captain hat

because it's cool,
and I want it.

(Norman Greenbaum) ♪ Going
up to the spirit in the sky ♪

♪ Spirit in the sky ♪

♪ That's where I'm gonna go
when I die ♪

I got to say,

figuring out Captain Holt
didn't know the answer

was an incredible solve.

I'm sorry if we implied
you weren't smart.

Oh, and I'm sorry if we implied

you're both asexual nerds

who can only be friends
with service animals.

You didn't.

(Rosa) Not to your face,

but to a ton of people
behind your back.

Thanks for the drink.

Yes.

Next round's on me.

It's the least I can do

for teasing your brains
so mercilessly.

So what are you gonna say
to your old c.o. tomorrow

when he asks
if you've solved the puzzle?

I don't know.

Thanks for bringing that up.

Fun chat.

(Gina) Just say
you're a captain now,

and you're busy
running a precinct,

so he can go suck an egg.

Or we can all work together

all night long,

and I'm sure we can
eventually figure it out.

I like that, Terry.
It shows real heart.

But I'm going with Gina's
"suck an egg" idea.

You get the Beyoncé tickets.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Of course I do.

I told you.

It was my birthright,
you bitches.

Superglue your panties
to your butts, ladies,

because Jake is in the house!

What?

Never mind.

I'm a little drunk.
Ah.

I'm also worried about you.

Come here.
Ten-minute hug time.

I'd rather not.

Come on.
Okay.

Boyle, release him.

Fine, only because
you're ordering me to.

There's nine minutes left
on that hug.

Great.

Heh.

Nice job in Quebec.

I bet the local cops weren't
happy you showed them up.

Yeah, well, maybe not at first.

But by the end, they kept
calling me a real bâtard,

which I can only assume
means "hero."

It means "bastard,"

but that's only
because they were jealous.

You did good work.

Here.

Is this an allowance?

Are you giving me an allowance?

No, I'm paying the bartender
for more drinks.

Oh, right.

I'm proud of you.

(Charles)
Nine minutes start now!