Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Wednesday Incident - full transcript

All right, here's where we stand.

This nightclub is the home base

for the Maric crime syndicate.

I've been tracking the club owner,

Vladimir Drogic, aka The Dragon,

aka my first perp with a cool nickname.

What about El Baboso, The Dagger?

Yeah, turns out Rosa was lying about that.

El Baboso actually means "the slug."

Ha ha, tonto. That means "dumb-dumb."

(Jake) It was very cruel.



I referred to myself as El Baboso

to several beautiful Latina ladies.

Oh, that's your type, isn't it, Jakey?

Like Sophia and Sa... [stammers]

Anyway, The Dragon is involved

in several counts of human
trafficking as well as...

I'm sorry, what's going on? Who are you?

Drexel with the Organized Crime unit.

I'm here for the Maric case materials.

Oh, are you?

Well, we'll see what my captain
has to say about this.

Thank you for taking the materials.

Make sure you also pick up the files

that are on Peralta's desk.



Wow, that is not how I saw it playing out.

Sir, I thought you said this was my case.

I gave you two weeks.

I'm done fending off
the Organized Crime unit.

Squad, since Peralta's briefing
was cut short,

you can all use this time
to clean up your desks.

Look at this place: half-eaten food,

crumpled tissues,
pictures of your families.

What's wrong with pictures?

If you love someone, you'll
remember what they look like.

- What is this?
- Rubber band ball.

Keep your bands in a box or a bag.

Since you all apparently
have time to play throw,

I'm canceling overtime for the
month, effective immediately.

Get to work! And de-ball these bands.

[upbeat music]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 02x16
The Wednesday

What is going on?

Holt's been in a bad mood all week.

Did somebody do something to set him off?

Jake, are you seriously
asking why Captain Holt is mad?

- What do you mean?
- The Wednesday incident.

Hey, hey, just closed
my tenth felony of the month,

and I thought we could celebrate.

Might I remind you
that this is a police precinct

and it's 10:00 in the morning?

Thought you might say that.

That's why this is
nonalcoholic sparkling cider.

There's absolutely nothing
you could be mad about.

[cork pops and knocks]

Uh-oh.

No, no, no, look, I was
the first one in on Wednesday.

This story's already full of holes.

He was in a bad mood before
those sprinklers went off.

Something must have happened at home.

Dude, just admit that you ruined everything

and you turned our lives
into a living hell.

- No biggie.
- You guys, this is not my fault.

Boyle, you believe me, right?

Don't make me do this, Jake.

Betrayed!

All right, you know what? Fine.

I'm gonna prove to all of you that something
else is responsible for his bad mood.

It's probably Boyle.

Don't worry about it. Don't open it.

No personal calls.

What the hell? That was Marcus.

He's gonna think I hung up on him.

Leave him wanting more.

That's basic seduction stuff, Diaz.

Captain Holt has been in a bad mood,

and I'm not letting it
get any worse on my watch.

I need overtime back.

Ladies and gentlemen, six
banks robbed in three weeks,

$250,000 stolen,
citizens trembling in fear.

Well, no more.

Boyle, you got your bank robber.

Went home last night... no overtime.

Just me and some brie, and I cracked it.

So here he is, the thug that's
been terrorizing the city.

Say hello, Marvin.

Hello.

Oh, my God, he's so old.

He's not that old.
His nurse isn't even full-time.

He couldn't pull off a bank job.

He couldn't pull off
the cap on his medicine.

I can hear you.

Sorry.

Hey, this guy is a ruthless criminal.

I'm sorry, sir. Is this gonna take long?

'Cause I was hoping to buy
some slacks this afternoon.

I like corduroy. You like corduroy?

- I love corduroy.
- He likes corduroy.

You sure you have the right guy?
Wasn't the robber strong and fast?

- And able to eat solid foods?
- Nobody saw him eat.

The guy wore a rubber mask,
and his voice was disguised.

My system is a little unsettled.

Could I trouble you for a ginger ale?

Oh, of course, sir.

We'll get that and a comfy chair
for you to sit in.

Yeah.

I robbed those banks.

I don't even need the money,

but I like to see the tellers squirm.

- I get off on violence.
- Oh, my God.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you so much.

You're such a doll. I must pay you.

No, no, no, I insist. I insist.

Right here.

You remind me of my granddaughter.

Oh, you are so sweet.

I haven't got a granddaughter.

[groans]

What are you doing here?

You're not scheduled to work today,
and overtime is canceled.

Yeah, well, remember about a week ago

when I came in here with
a bottle of sparkling cider?

Setting off my sprinklers,
drenching my office,

destroying a paper crane
folded for me by Kevin.

Right, I forgot how that ended.

The point is, that was all
just regular cop stuff.

There's no way that can be the reason

you've been in such a bad mood.

Bad mood... I'm sorry,
haven't I been bursting

into song enough for you lately?

Would you like me
to click my heels together

or skip like a schoolchild?

Yes to all of that.

But for reals, what non-me
thing is bothering you?

Is there trouble at home?

Peralta, I'm not gonna discuss
my home life with you.

We're not friends. We're not family.

You're not my husband.

Oh, that's hurtful.

I thought we had a special bond.

I was your secret Santa last year.

And I already thanked you for
the "Who Farted?" baseball cap.

But you never wear it.

So Holt won't tell me
if something happened at home

because I'm not his husband.

But you know who is his husband?

- His husband.
- His husband.

I was just a little slow.

Yeah, Kevin's not gonna talk to you

'cause he can't stand detectives.

Yes, but he can stand yous.

Nuh-uh, I spent a lot of time cultivating

a good relationship with Kevin.

He finally calls me Gina
instead of Ms. Linetti.

All right, fine.
Then I'm calling in my chit.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

- No, ch-it.
- What?

Remember when I got you this job?

You said, "OMG, Jake. I owe you one."

I said "OMG"?

That was before
other people started saying it.

I was an originator.

You said I could ask for anything,

and for six years,
I've been sitting on that chit.

Well, now I'm cashing it in.

A receipt for almonds?

Yeah, I just thought
it would be more dramatic

to slide something across the table.

It wasn't, but since
I made that promise, fine.

[knock at door]

Hey, Kevin. Gina, good to see you.

- Jake's here too.
- Yo.

Gina, I know you like champagne
with a drop of pomegranate juice.

I like to say
it's nature's classiest alcohol

mixed with its narst-iest fruit.

And, Peralta, I hope this will do.

It's a can of orange soda

from when some other children visited.

It's perfect. Thank you for inviting us in.

Yes, I invited Gina in. You were with her.

Okay.

Look, everyone's blaming me
for the captain's horrible mood

because of a small thing
that happened Wednesday morning.

When you flooded his office with cider?

Well, the water actually flooded it.

The cider just caused it.

But I swear he was already upset
when he got to work.

He was anger articulating.

Coat, coat, jacket, coat.

Is this a police precinct
or a Turkish bazaar?

Mm, yes, I dread
those annunciated denunciations.

Yeah, I hate those de-bunce-ebations...

But so my question is, could
something have happened at home

before he left for work?

Well, I remember that morning.

He left this house at 7:00
and was in a great mood.

In fact, he was still chuckling

about the previous night's Charlie Rose.

Fine, so your marriage
might not be the problem,

but he didn't get to work until 10:00.

That means whatever ruined his mood

happened in those three hours.

We have to retrace his steps.

We?

I'm not going
to investigate my own husband.

Uh-huh, totally.

Well, that was a great chitchat.

Don't you think, Gina?

Seemed like it went real bad for you.

Chit-chat.

Oh.

You know, Kevin, maybe if we figure out

what caused Raymond's bad mood,
we could fix it.

Good idea, Gina.

I suppose we could look into it.

Yes, great! Let's go right now.

No time to lose. Don't look, just run.

You're trying to get me
out of here before I see

the orange soda you spilled
on the chair, aren't you?

I'm already out the door. It worked!

What the hell?

Are you throwing
a tea party for this monster?

He was sitting in processing,
and he just looked so lonely.

This guy is guilty.

He confessed to me, but now
he's pretending that he didn't.

You must have misheard me.

I didn't do anything,

except being charmed
by these two lovely ladies.

Oh, cut it with the sweet-old-coot routine.

You're going to jail, my friend,
in a trolley named Charles.

- A trolley?
- Trolleys are cool.

They have the bells. You know what?

Just take your tea
and leave my perp alone, please.

Thank you, ladies,
for bringing a little sunshine

into my gray life.

You want to know what I'm gonna
do with the money I stole?

- Hmm.
- Prostitutes.

Huh!

Amy, you heard him. Tell me you heard him.

- What?
- Son of a bitch!

Well, this is where Raymond
eats breakfast every morning.

Yes, I know. He's always raving
about how they don't have specials.

Diane, hello, this is my friend Gina,

and this is Detective Peralta.

They work with my Raymond.

Oh, Peralta, you are so old
to behave the way you do.

- Oof.
- What?

I'm sure he vents
about everyone on the squad.

Nope, just you.

Damn it, Diane,
what are you doing after this?

So did anything unusual happen

when Raymond was here last Wednesday?

Did he mention anything?

No, he had his regular breakfast:

room-temperature water
and one hard-boiled egg yolk.

Hmm, well, that is his good-mood food.

So, Peralta, we know
he was fine through breakfast.

Looks like you're still on the hook.

No, there was still plenty of
time before he got to work.

Gina, what'd he do next?

Well, according to his sched,

his next stop
was his weekly painting class.

Painting class?

Can I guess what he paints?

Pictures of pie charts.

Multiple still lifes of this gray rock.

That's even more boring.

So, Gerald, did anything
happen to Raymond last week?

Did he seem like something or
someone had him in a bad mood?

It was his day to pick the
music, and he chose Haydn.

So he was in a good mood or a bad mood?

(Gina) A great mood, Jake.

Oh, you're Jake.

Damn it.

What are you doing after this, Gerald?

What is wrong with our Internet?

I like to back up my data every 15 minutes,

and it's taking 17 minutes per backup!

I'm in a data backup deficit.

We are in the same boat.

I've been trying
to load this video all day.

You're watching videos during work?

I told him to do it, sir.
It's case-related.

"Turtle humps computer mouse."

(Terry) Yeah, Turtle's the
name of a local pervert

we're chasing.

Come on, Hitchcock. Get it together.

So did anything strange happen

when you and Raymond sparred last week?

No, as usual, Raymond was
the king of the croisé,

and I got in a few good raddoppios.

So just a bunch of normal words.

Are you sure we're talking
about last Wednesday?

Positive. Haven't seen him since.

You haven't?

Mm-mm.

I'm sorry. I need to leave.

Excuse me.

Kevin. Kev.

What's going on?

Raymond has been lying to me.

Three mornings this week,

he told me he was fencing with Dan.

Why would he do that?
Why would he lie to me?

I don't know.

Maybe it's connected to his bad mood.

My husband does not lie to me.

This investigation of yours was a bad idea.

I'm going home.

I have to sort this out with Raymond.

Good-bye, Peralta. Linetti.

Linetti? No.

We were on a first-name basis.

Gina, this is bad.

Kevin's upset. Holt's gonna be angry.

We're both gonna get fired,
and I'm gonna die alone.

Jake, why don't you just do the right thing

and jump out a window?

Captain Holt will never fire me

if he knows I'm mourning
the death of a close friend.

Or we could try plan B and just fix it.

You never even tried plan A, though.

Hey, how'd it go with Kevin?

Are you willing to admit
everything's your fault?

No, Amy, because none of this is my fault.

Except for how you meddled
in the captain's life today,

possibly causing repercussions

in his marriage that could last a lifetime.

Yes, that is completely on me,

but, Amy, you didn't know that,
so you were still wrong.

(Terry) You two need to go.

You're not supposed to be here,

and the captain's at a new level of anger:

constant smiling.

[forced chuckling]

It's horrible.

All smiling's horrible. This is worse.

We're here so I can activate

the Holy Network
of Administrative Assistants,

acronym HNAA.

We high-level assistants keep track

of what's going on with all the bosses.

Jealous, Amy?

Yeah, I'd tap that.

Network. I'd tap that network.

That's a thing people say.

Yeah? No.

I've answered
all your questions, young man.

What more do you want from me?

I'd like you tell Santiago
about the banks you robbed

and how you get off on violence.

What? Boyle, oh, my God.

[knock on window]

What are you doing?

Why are you being so weird about this?

Marvin Miller is guilty,

and he thinks he can get away with it.

He also thinks the subway should be horses.

He's old, is what I'm saying.

He knows exactly what he's doing.

He's messing with me because I'm
not intimidating like Terry

or dignified like Jake
or model-handsome like Jake

or funny like Jake.

Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store,

and, yeah, I might be scared of geese,

but I am a damn good cop, and
I will not be made a fool of.

So I'm gonna go into that room,

and I'm gonna get that lousy old geezer

to admit on camera
that he robbed those banks.

He just died.

What?

[thud] [gasps]

Okay, here's what I learned.

The chief's assistant, Ryan, was
only pretending to have Mono.

- Okay, Gina, about Holt.
- Fine.

Apparently he was supposed to meet

Deputy Chief Ash
near his fencing club at 9:30,

but he canceled at the very last
minute with no explanation.

HNAA does it again.

Okay, so something happened
between fencing and coffee.

We just have to figure out what.

Totes, but first, let's check in with Ryan

on how to fake mono,
'cause if I can nail that...

Ooh, game changer.

Okay, so Captain Holt
leaves fencing and heads north.

If we really want to do this,
we got to get in his head.

We have to be Captain Holt.

[in deeper voice] Hello, Gina.

How does this sound?

Captain Holt, is that you?

Oh, no, it's Jake
nailing your voice exactly.

Right?

The trick is to find a key phrase

you know exactly how he'd say.

Mine is, "Peralta, that's enough."

Seriously, Jake, this is getting scary.

[laughs]

Come with me, young, wise assistant.

Let us walk in this direction.

Oh, a hot dog. Would I stop?

[in British accent] Not for
one of those, I wouldn't.

Damn it, it's morphing into British.

Do your catchphrase.

Peralta, that's enough!

And I'm walking with purpose.
And I'm walking with purpose.

And bingo.

(Gina) A door.

[gasps] It's a Narnia situation.

No, but I love that.

It's a security camera.

If something happened to Holt
when he walked past here,

we'll be able to see it.

[in deeper voice] Peralta, you genius.

Mm, that does not sound like him.

Okay, personal photos are
down, kitchen is spotless,

and I got the silver-painted
break-dancer outside

to move his very loud boom box elsewhere.

[electronic dance music playing]

♪ ♪

- You beat him in a dance-off?
- No, I destroyed him.

There's absolutely nothing here
that will set off Holt.

Oh, oh!

I was trying to cook
my oatmeal with a road flare,

but it caught on fire.

Why are you using a road flare?

You said the kitchen was off-limits.

(Scully) Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.

Give me that.

I'm just holding a road flare,
stepping on some oatmeal.

Just doing me.

I can't believe that you, of all people,

are my biggest problem today, Jeffords.

- Kevin, is the captain home?
- No.

Good, I figured out
what happened to him.

- He was mugged.
- What?

He told you this?

No, I used my detective skills

as well as my spot-on Holt
impression to figure it out.

I retraced his steps
and found security footage.

After he left fencing,

three shady guys
followed him into an alley.

One of them had a knife.

That's why he's been in such a bad mood.

He's a police captain that got mugged.

He's embarrassed.

Oh, my goodness.

- (Holt) Peralta.
- There he is.

What are you doing in my house?

- Raymond, you were mugged?
- What?

What did you say to him?

Captain, it's okay.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'm not embarrassed, and I wasn't mugged.

Three men tried to mug me,
but I fought them off,

injuring two of them.

[all grunting]

Wait, so you heroically
fought off three guys,

and that put you in a bad mood?

If I did that, I would literally
write a song about myself.

It would be like...

♪ Jake the hero ♪

♪ Abs of steel ♪

♪ Sha-la, la-la ♪

Why would you keep this from me,

and why would you lie
about going to fencing?

Because he couldn't go,
because he's injured.

I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.

I'm sorry. You were stabbed?

Lightly stabbed.
I didn't want to frighten you.

You are my husband.

I want you to tell me everything,

especially things that might frighten me.

How can you not know that?

Raymond, you are unbelievable.

Hey, Captain, you look so tall.

What you have done
is beyond unprofessional.

You cannot muck around
in people's private lives.

Get out of my house.

But get into your car? I'll go.

- Sir.
- Detective.

So how was your night? Of work.

I'm not asking about your personal life.

I don't care about you personally.

I mean, I'm neutral. I mean, who are you?

Floundering is worse than silence.

Oh, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, no doubt. No doubt, no doubt.

[clicks tongue]

Man, this elevator's slow, huh?

That's because you haven't
pressed the button.

That's why you're the captain.

[chuckles]

So smart.

I'm gonna just... zip.

No more talk-y. Hmm.

[elevator dings]

Eek, blast of cold air
coming out of that box.

Name of Amy's sex tape.

Hey, man, come on. Not cool.

I'm going through something.
Just let me have this one.

I'm sorry you wasted your chit, Jake.

It's all right.

I want to apologize to Hol
but it seems personal,

and I'm not supposed to talk
to him about personal stuff.

Oh, boo, I guess you need to
think of some professional way

to make it up to him.

Wait a minute. Gina, that's it.

I just had an idea.

[as Holt] Peralta, you're a genius.

Who was that, ScarJo?

It was Holt, and I think you know that.

I thought it was ScarJo.

I can't believe that bastard beat me.

Whoa, he's dead.

It's kind of hard to see
how he's the winner in this.

He made me look like an idiot.

No, Amy and I were the idiots,

because we let
that ancient windbag fool us.

He robbed the banks.

He gave me money for the ginger ale.

After you insisted he was guilty,

I went back and checked his dollar.

Serial numbers match the stolen bills.

(Rosa) You brought in the right guy.

You're a damn good cop, Boyle.

I know. No one listens.

Except when you threw water
in his dead face.

That was rough.

I thought he was faking it.

I wanted to splash the lies out of him.

All right, Detective,
what's this all about?

- You have 70 seconds.
- Why 70?

Do you really want to waste your time

while I explain my algorithm?

Right, all right, so I pulled a still

from the security footage
of your attempted mugging

and sent it to the nearby precincts.

We ID'd one of the mopes,
and that's his apartment.

I thought maybe you would
want to do the honors.

And you think this will make
everything you did better?

Well, maybe. It was Gina's idea, so...

- It will.
- Gina had nothing to do with it.

You want to know why
I was so angry all week?

When those men came at me,
I acted like I was a 20-year-old.

I took a stupid risk,
and I got myself stabbed.

I was in pain and frustrated
about lying to the man I love.

- Kevin.
- Yes.

- Obviously Kevin.
- Obviously.

What I'm trying to say is,
you were right all along.

I wasn't mad at you.

I was mad at myself, and I
took it out on the squad.

Peralta, you're a genius.

Oh, my God. You said it.

I heard you practicing in the men's room.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

Attention, squad, quick announcement.

Overtime is reinstated,

and you are each allowed
two personal photographs,

two trinkets,
and three assorted knickknacks.

You know what?

Just follow Sergeant Jeffords' lead.

He always knows how to keep
this place running smoothly.

Nice, so rubber band balls are back.

Oh, no, it's bad for the bands.

Ah, Kevin. Let me just get my coat.

Hello, Peralta. Gina.

Oh, sweet lords of dance, thank you.

We're back on a first-name basis.

Kevin, I am unable and unwilling

to discuss personal matters with you.

I'm aware of that, yes.

In any case, thank you for you help.

I brought you both gifts:
original Raymond Holts.

[Gina gasps]

I will treasure this painting
of a rock for all times.

(Holt) Ah, Rock 59 and 367.

Those are good rocks.

367 paintings of one rock?

This guy parties!

(man) Not a doctor. Shh.