Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Payback - full transcript

Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation
for a good restaurant.

It's Marcus' birthday
and I want to do something...

Nice.

Ooh. Do you want like,
classic, romantic?

- Or gastro-sensuous?
- Ugh. Never mind.

I know those categories.
You guys are talking dates.

Here's what you do:

Invite him over,
order some fancy take out,

throw it in a pot,
and act like you cooked it.

I got the idea
from yahoo! Answers.

Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot.
We're not married.



Mm-kay,
you know what time it is?

Because my hoodie does.

- Look at that.
- Mm.

I have either two
or four words for you.

Drag queen.

Dim sum.

You're talking about this Friday night?

Everything's gonna be booked.

We're only 72 hours out and we're still

in the brainstorming phase?

You gotta postpone.

You can't postpone a birthday, Amy.

But, if you can't get a reservation,

you can always go home
and shampoo his hair.



Please stop always recommending that.

Well, it's always romantic.

You can go to the top
of the empire state building,

that's very romantic.

Hm. Maybe I will.

You can pee on the whole city
from up there.

- Come on!
- What? - Come on!

♪ ♪

Take it.

Take it.

Come on!

This stupid machine
won't take my dollar.

That's half a dollar
taped to a pizza coupon.

It's good for a cheesy bread
worth $2.50.

You would've made money
on this deal, machine.

Hey, sarge, can I borrow a dollar?

No. No more loans.

You already owe me way too much.

The bank of Terry is closed.

What, are you sailing away
on a tugboat?

Man, I love tugboats.

It's not a tugboat!

I'm locking the vault!

All right, fine, how much
could I possibly owe you?

50, 60 bucks?

$2,437.

Dollars?

Wait, of course dollars,
why was that the part

I was surprised by?

Jake, I would appreciate it
if you paid me back.

Well, that's the craziest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

"I would appreciate it
if you paid me back"?

Good.
So you heard it too.

I've been in debt to him forever

and he's never cared before.

Something's up.

I'm gonna drop everything
and figure out

why he's acting weird.

Or you could just pay him what you owe.

[Laughs]

Hilarious, Rosa.

[Continues laughing]

Hilarious.

Santiago, whenever you can,
please drop of those case files.

You got it, partner!
Be right in!

"Partner"?

What is going on?

Is this a make-a-wish thing?

Are you dying?

Is it from loneliness?

I found a mistake in one
of the Captain's old cases

and he asked me to work it with him.

As partners.

We're taking our relationship
to the next level.

From awkward underling
to awkward colleague.

This is a real ugly duckling story.

We're gonna bounce ideas
off each other,

eat street meat while we
stake-out some perp,

bond over burned coffee...

- Santiago!
- Hm?

Now means now!

You got it.

See? He can't wait
to work with me.

He's clearly pumped.

Hello, Terry.

I just thought I'd stop by
and let you know

that I'm on my way to the bank.

That's right.

I'm gonna pay you back
because I know your secret.

What are you talking about?

I don't have a secret.

Oh, really?

Fact the first:

After years of not caring
about my debt,

you weirdly want me
to pay you back now.

That implies to me
that there is a sudden,

unexpected expense.

Or I got sick of waiting
for you to do the right thing.

Not plausible.

You have endless patience
for my shenanigans.

Fact the second:

You've had dentist appointments
twice in the past two weeks.

No one goes to the dentist that much.

I haven't been in seven years.

You should go to the dentist, Jake.

Probably.
My teeth hurt all the time.

Fact the third:

I'm really liking this
"fact the" thing.

I think I'm gonna stick with it.

Fact the fourth:

I found this on your desk.

It's a list of names.

Nathaniel Jeffords, Alexa Jeffords...

Those are my cousins names.

Lies!

There is but one conclusion.

You, Terry Jeffords, are pregnant.

The names are baby names.

The dentist?
An obstetrician.

And the money is for baby things.

Like diapers.

What are you talking about, man?

Yeah.

- That is crazy.
- Yeah.

Damn it!

Does anybody else know?

No, just you, and your wife, and crash.

That's what I think
you should name the baby.

Works for a boy or a girl.

Listen up, Jake.

We just found out Sharon is pregnant

and it's way too early to tell anyone.

This is a secret.

- Do you understand me?
- Yeah.

Do you?

Do you understand me?

Oh, this got physical very quickly.

This is adult stuff, Jake.

Be serious!

Look, I promise
I won't tell anyone, all right?

My lips are sealed.

Good.

Do I even weigh anything to you?

No.

It's like holding a couple of grapes.

Okay, partner, let's bang this out.

Should we grab a cup of coffee,

bounce some theories off each other...

I solved it already.

Oh...

Then should we grab a cup of coffee,

you could tell me
what you found out and...

No, we can do it here.

The fires were set by Richard Wilcox,

the firefighter who was
first on the scene

at all three fires.

Okay uh, now we just
have to work backwards,

figure out why...

He was up for a promotion
and wanted to look like a hero.

Yup.

But how are we gonna find this bastard?

After all these years,
you know, it could take...

He owns a store.

I have the address.

Okay.

I could drive.

No, you don't know where we're going.

But if you'd like a cup of coffee,

there's an old bakery
in that neighborhood.

The coffee there is terrible

but I would enjoy the nostalgia.

I love terrible coffee.

Now let's put away Richard
Wilcox, that no-good punk.

He's 86 years old.

You don't outgrow punk, sir.

There you are, sergeant.

Installment one of TBD.

1,200 bucks, that's everything I have.

You should also note
it's all in singles

because it takes so many bills
to fill up a briefcase.

Thanks, Peralta.

You know, it's nice
to finally have someone

to share this secret with.

I'm pregnant, man!

Yeah!
We're pregnant.

"We" because I convinced you
not to get a vasectomy.

So if it wasn't for me,
you'd have no penis.

You still don't know
what a vasectomy is.

Hey, so listen, I was thinking,

now that I've proven I'm
fiscally responsible,

how you feel about me
being the godfather?

How about this?

You don't tell anyone
about the pregnancy

for four weeks, and I'll think
about you being the godfather.

Yes!

Oh also, I put a list
of baby names in there.

My favorite: Nakatomi.

After the tower in Die Hard.

Works for a boy or a girl.

What's going on?

How'd you get all that money?

Pfft, by putting bad guys behind bars.

I work for a living, jeez.

I emptied out my checking account.

Wait, you've owed Terry for years,

and now, suddenly, you give him
every penny you have?

- Why?
- Why?

Oh, wait.
Because.

That is not an answer.

No. Well, because you guys
got in my head

about owing Terry money.

And it convinced me that it's important

to pay back your friends.

Well, you owe all of us money.

So does that mean you're gonna
pay all of us back?

Yeah, Jake,
or is there something special

about your friendship with Terry?

Nope.

Nothing special about Terry.

I'm gonna pay everyone.

Man, I really hoped to say
this to a drug dealer

who killed my whole family, but...

It's payback time.

All right, but a nice little
dent into my Terry debt.

No applause?

Seriously?

Okay, I see how this is gonna be.

All right, how much do I owe
the rest of you?

$4,009.

What? How is that even possible?

June 3rd, 2008, paid
for your lunch, $8.45.

June 3rd, 2008, bought
you a soda, $1.05.

June 3rd, 2008, lent you $4,000
for an entertainment system.

Now there it is.

I stopped keeping track after that.

Sure.
Sure, okay.

How about the rest of you?

710 dollarinos.

$856.32.

Okay, very specific.

I'm sorry you guys,
but I can't pay that.

It's too much money.

Why don't you just take back
the money you gave to Terry

and split it six ways.

Then at least everyone gets something.

Yeah, but Terry needs the money.

For what?

Uh, for butt enhancement surgery.

Smart.

That's a real problem area for Terry.

- (Jake) Yeah.
- What?

(Jake) What?

I am not having butt enhancement
surgery.

Nor do I need it!

Okay, so split up the money.

No, no, no.
How about this?

I'll work off my debt to each of you.

How's that sound?
I'll do anything you want.

Anything?

Am I the only one that was super
creeped out by that?

No, that was definitely creepy.

Yeah, he wants you to do
something real weird.

Hello, partner!

Two coffees.

Black for me.
Milk for you.

You remembered how I like it!

Yes, with milk.

It's just one ingredient.

And you remembered it.

Mm.

Anyway, no sign of Wilcox.

Maybe we should talk
about deets of the case,

plan our next move, grab a little chow.

No need.

I brought these.

- Nutrition bricks.
- Hm?

I have original no-flavor
and whole wheat no-flavor.

Nutrition bricks sound great.

Or we could grab a little street meat.

Kind of a classic
stakeout food, but whatever.

Huh.

Meat.

From the street.

Sounds like a fun treat.

[Chuckles]

I'm a poet and didn't even know
I was rhyming those words.

But it happened anyway.

That's a great idea, partner.

Let's grab some street meat.

Okay!

How's working your debt off going?

Horrible.

Rosa's making clean her motorcycle.

Payback's a bitch.

Ugh! So many great payback lines
wasted on this.

Damn this bike's muddy.

And this isn't even
the worst thing I had to do.

Gina made me call people
and tell them she was dead

to see how they'd react.

Is she crying?
Is she crying?

A little.

You should be wailing,
you stone cold bitch.

Now call my other grandma.

And then there was Scully.

Lower.

Lower.

- I'm at your butt.
- Lower!

Apparently he holds his stress
in the b-cheeks.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

Well, at least I can help you out.

No, no, no, no.

That'll only make people suspicious.

Besides, I don't mind
doing all these horrible things,

'cause I want to keep your secret safe.

For you, and Sharon, and Miata.

Works for a boy or a girl.

Well, well, well, what are you
hens clucking about?

What?
Nothing.

What do you want, Boyle?

To be paid back.

I want you to wash my dogs.

Hm, why would I ask that given
that I know you hate my dogs?

They hump everything.

They're passionate!

But you don't have to wash them at all

if you just tell me
what's going on here.

You two have a secret.

I can smell it.

Jason, not now.

Down.

Yuck. We don't have a secret,
all right?

Do we have a secret, Terry?

If we did, it's a secret from me.

[Laughter]

Okay then, wash my dogs.

And be warned, they just watched
Peabody and Sherman,

so they're extra horny.

[Funk music]

♪ ♪

Ah!
Jason!

Wait your turn!

I must say, this is quite good.

Is this sauce for your chicken
or my lamb?

Hm. I don't know.

Should we try it?

Let's risk it.

Here we go. Boom.

It's amazing.

I don't care for it.

But I tried!

And what a story for Kevin!

[Chuckles]

So who was your partner
back when you caught

the Brooklyn broiler?

Martin Ormankupp.

He was a great partner.

Smart, loyal, homophobic
but not racist.

In those days, that was pretty good.

Hm. How long did you work
the case for?

Martin Ormankupp and I
tracked him for eight months.

Almost cost him his marriage
to his wife, Heather Ormankupp.

Oh, sir, look!

Oh, this could be our man.
Let's go.

NYPD.
We're partners.

We'd like to ask you some questions.

You're not Richard Wilcox!

That's my grandpa.
He died a couple weeks ago.

I'm just here cleaning out his shop.

Oh, no.
Something wrong here.

Oh, you think this punk
is lying, partner?

No.

Something's wrong in my intestine.

Due to the street meat.

- We must go now.
- Okay.

Oh, okay.

All right, I'll drive!

[Police sirens blaring]
(Holt) Oh, my...

Sir, we could find a public bathroom.

No! This is a very private
emergency!

(Holt) Ah!

I'm going to the gym,
then Sharon is gonna take me

to a dentist appointment.

Damn sarge, your teeth are messed up.

Listen up, everybody.

I just forwarded you an email
about the suspect

in those bodega robberies.

Check it out.
We're gonna catch this guy.

All right, let's see here.

Hurricane?

Hurricane Jeffords.

Works for a boy or a girl.

(Boyle) I know what's going on Jake.

Uh, what?

About who?

With you and Terry.

The money, the private convos.

I figured it out.

You stole my idea
to open a bowling alley

and you're gonna do it with Terry.

Yup, that's it.

Jake. Fingerholes
was our idea.

I do not think it should be
called fingerholes.

You're not calling it fingerholes?

Good luck, pal.

Oh, my God!

Terry's pregnant?

What? How do you know that?

We all know.

You hit "reply all" on the
email, grandma Peralta.

Oh, no.

Uh, good.
Great.

The secret is out.

I got humped by Jason for nothing.

(Jake) Okay, yes.
Terry is having another kid.

We are pregnant.

But that's a secret.

It's way too soon to tell anyone.

I only stumbled across it 'cause
I'm such an amazing Detective.

Who accidentally hit "reply all"
like some idiot

on a brunch thread.

Yeah, that.

But, look, Terry can't know
the secret is out.

He got the email too, boo.

Crap, you're right.

All right, we just have to break
into his email account

and delete the message
while he's down at the gym.

Great, all right, here's the plan.

I'll go down there...

What are you gonna do, Jake?

I'm obviously about to say.

Okay?
I'll go down there...

Sorry, Jake, I thought
it was a call and response.

It's not.
Okay?

- I'll go down there...
- Are you mad at me?

Dude!
Okay?

Here's the plan.

I'll go down to the gym and have Terry

take me through his workout.

You guys get savant from I.T.

to help you hack into his account.

If anything goes wrong, Scully,
fake a heart attack.

What are you thinking?

Classic angina, or something sexier,

like um, myocardial infarction?

Just drop down onto the ground
and wiggle.

I'm gonna nail this.

You're back so soon.

Did you catch your guy?

No, he was dead.
So I'll never catch him.

Also, Amy bought us tainted meat
and now I have diarrhea.

Oof.

[Door slams shut]

[Grunting]

Hey, Terry.

You get my email?

About how I was coming down here?

No, I haven't checked my phone.

Oh, no need.

I just wanted to make sure
you were here, you know?

You know how I like
to have a weight-mate.

Really?

I have never seen you in the gym.

What?

I basically live here.

I'm a regular gym dandy.

Besides, I gotta get into shape

for all the godfathering I'm gonna do.

I mean, how am I gonna throw
our baby up into the air

with these noodle arms?

Good point.

So take me through your workout, man.

Rip me up, you know?

Let's rip it out.

Time to rip it down!

Those aren't gym terms.

And I don't think
you could handle my workout.

Oh, wow.

Sounds like a challenge to me.

Come on.

[Grunting]

I got you.

- Ready?
- Yup.

Oh, my God!
So heavy!

This will crack his password,
but it could take an hour.

No way Jake keeps up with Terry
for that long.

Have you seen Terry?

Well there's nothing we can do.

Unless you can guess
the sarge's password.

- "Big muscles"?
- Nope.

That's your first guess?
"Big muscles"?

Try his wife's name, Sharon.

- Nope.
- Sharon1.

- Nope.
- Sharon2.

- Nope.
- Sharon3.

- Nope.
- This is stupid.

Come on!
Push it!

Push it!

Five!

Ah!
Oh, man.

This is almost too easy.

Are you crying?

No. That's eyeball sweat.

All right.
Let's wrap this up.

I gotta call Sharon
and get back to work.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, I thought you said this
was gonna be a challenge, huh?

This has been a cakewalk so far.

Oh, you want me to make this harder?

Yes.

That is what I want.

More harder exercise.

Look, sarge!

I've burnt 200 calories.

That's your heart rate.

Yeah.
That checks out.

Come on, Jack, ten more minutes.

I think we should stop now, Peralta.

No, no.
I'm still good.

Check this out.

Right hook, right hook, uppercut.

My arms don't seem to be
responding to my brain anymore.

Nope.

Ugh! God,
I hate how hard it is

to guess other people's passwords.

Wait!
Everyone, wait!

Try "yogurt."

(Savant) We're in!

[All cheering]

Terry loves yogurt.

Come on, Jake!
Let's go!

So how much blood do you
usually have in your mouth

when you do this?

None.

Great, I'm done.

Great workout, sarge.

Ah, Boyle, I need to throw away
this piece of paper

but I can't move my body.

On it, Jakey.

It's show time, here we go.

I love this, we're like
Batman and Alfred.

You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?

He has access to the batcave,
plus, he gets to drive

all of Batman's girlfriends home
and dish.

(Jake) Doy.

Oh, hey!
How are you Mrs. Sarge?

(Boyle) You look normal.

Hi, Jake.
Charles.

Uh, hold on, honey.

I gotta check my emails
and then I'll be ready to go.

[Suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Okay, all set.

All right, have fun.

(Jake) Yeah.

Sergeant Jeffords.
Sharon.

The Captain's back?
When he get back?

Turn me around!

(Holt) I'm not feeling well.

I have an appointment at the restroom

but I gather congratulations
are in order.

For what?

Oh, Peralta sent everyone in the office

an email about what to name
your new baby.

For what it's worth,
I really like the name Todd.

Terrence, what is he talking about?

Yeah, Peralta!
What is he talking about?

Hey.

Scully! Now!

[Groaning]

Oh, no!
He's having a heart attack!

This is a man's life,
you calloused bastards!

Terry, I am so sorry.

You should be sorry.

Should I get out of here

or should I just fade
into the background

until you need me to wheel you out?

I'll fade.
I'll fade.

You promised you wouldn't tell anyone.

I know, but I can't help it
if everyone in this precinct

is a brilliant Detective.

You emailed them all!

With your email!

To their emails!

Okay, yes, that was one fact
that may have helped them

crack the case,
but Boyle was closing in.

I was actually way off.

All my theories
were bowling alley related.

Fading, fading again.

Look, I know I messed up.

But it was an honest mistake.

I promise you, I was taking it
seriously.

What was the email
you sent everyone about?

How you should name your kid hurricane.

Wheel him out, Charles.

Wait.

Does this mean I can't be
the godfather?

I said wheel him out.

You can be my godfather, Jake.

You're older than me!

[Knock at door]

Captain?
How are you feeling?

Better today.

I even managed to eat some
plain toast this morning.

Smart.

Something bland.

That's my favorite breakfast.

Right.

Sir, I'm sorry.

I wanted to be a great partner.

A Martin Ormankupp.

But instead, I was the partner
who made you sick.

Can I tell you something
about Martin Ormankupp?

On our second day as partners,

Martin Ormankupp was kicked
in the crotch by a police horse.

Not what I was expecting you to say.

Of all the cases that we worked,
that moment was the one

that bonded us the most.

Because that's what we laughed about.

After his surgery
and months long rehab.

It was a terrible ordeal
for both Martin

and Heather Ormankupp.

Mm. So you think we can laugh
about me poisoning you?

Yes, I do.

Someday.

Perhaps over street meat.

[Chuckles]

Sir, did you just laugh?

Uproariously.

Oh, my God.

It's happening.

Yup.

Here, sarge.

It's the rest of the money I owe you.

1,237 bucks.

I thought you already drained
your bank account.

I sold my car.

It's not a big deal.

Oh, my God!
This is such a huge deal!

[Sobbing]

I can't un-tell your secret.

The best I can do is make sure
no one talks about it

for the next four weeks
and pay back your money, so.

Jake, hold up.

Yeah?

I was wondering if you still
wanted to be the godfather.

Wait, seriously?

Yes!
Of course!

That would be amazing.

Thank you.

I'm gonna be such a good godfather.

You'll see.
I'm gonna be like...

(Imitating Al Pacino)
"What's the matter with you? Be a man!"

You know?

You know, obviously I wouldn't
scream that at the baby.

That was a bad quote to choose.

But you get what I'm saying.

Yeah, look, that kid
is gonna have a lot of fun

hanging out with you.

But I also know that if anything
happened to me and Sharon,

you're responsible enough
to raise the little guy.

Wait, that's what a godfather does?

I mean, I knew that.

I can handle it!

Just real quick, what's a good book

on parenting that you could recommend.

Or better yet, what's a good
movie on parenting?

Terry?

Seriously, I have no idea what to do!

Oh, wait!

Yahoo! Answers.