Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Halloween - full transcript

whoa, whoa, whoa.
(amy)
whoa!

settle.

sorry, sarge.

ugh, halloween is the worst.

everyone's drunk,
wearing a mask,

and carrying a fake gun.

plus all the girls think
they have to dress sexy.

i know, that is the worst.
please make them stop.

i passed a slutty tree
on the way here.

who wants to have sex
with a tree?

was it a maple?



was it a maple?

buon giorno,
buon giorno.

pretty cool 'stume, huh?

'stume?

short for costume.
ah.

all right, let me guess.
you are dumpy chuck norris.

no, i'm--
dumpy ron weasley.

no.

(terry)
you guys, stop it.

he put thought
into his costume,

and he is obviously miranda
from sex and the city.

guys, i'm mario batali!

"molto mario"?
celebrity chef?

ginger prince
of little italy?



is he also
a homeless troll doll?

'cause you look like
a homeless troll doll.

hey, sweet batali costume,
dude.

thank you!

there's a man
with impeccable taste.

he bit a guy's butt off
at a w.n.b.a. game.

eric stoltz from mask.

i'll take it.
yeah.

i hope you're all
well rested.

it's gonna be
a busy night.

the holding cell's
completely full.

i keep having to separate

hillary clinton
and kim jong-un.

stop it!
stop making out!

hey--no!
what would bill say?

(holt)
we need two undercovers

at the dekalb street
warehouse party.

boyle, you're already
in costume as, uh,

joy behar?

i'm mario batali.

okay.
and, uh, santiago,

you go with him.

yes, sir.
damn it.

santiago, i know
that you hate halloween,

but stick with me,
and i promise you,

you will love it.

can you magically make everyone
kind, sober,

and fully dressed?

"kind, sober,
and fully dressed."

good news, everyone,
we found the name

of santiago's sex tape.

[upbeat music]

♪

well, ring it up, nerds.

i just arrested
my first halloween idiot

of the season.

he was trying to rob a bank

but had a little trouble
with the getaway.

(jake)
trying to "split," huh?

don't worry, i'm sure you'll
get out on "a peel."

i'm so glad you're stuck.

i've got a million of these.

no, no, don't touch the money!
ugh!

i swear,
these perps are so stupid.

i'd make a better criminal
than any of them.

yeah, you would.
you'd be an evil mastermind,

and everyone would call you
the handsome bandit.

thank you, charles.
and the best part is,

none of you could catch me.

[all protesting]

i'm fairly certain
you would be caught.

no, scratch that.

i'm 100% sure
you'd be caught.

ho, ho, ho!

all right,
challenge accepted.

i didn't issue
a challenge.
fine.

i'll issue it for you.

what's the most valuable thing
in your office?

my medal of valor.

god, you are such a hero.

all right, how about this?
i will bet you

that by midnight tonight,

i can steal the medal of valor
from your office.

why would i possibly
agree to that?

because if i lose,
i'll work

the next five weekends,
no overtime.

and i won't tell
anyone here

about the time i saw you
wearing short shorts

outside of work.

but if i win...
you won't.

you have to do all
of my paperwork tonight,

the busiest and spookiest night
of the year.

and you have
to publicly state

that i'm an amazing
detective-slash-genius.

and this won't interfere
with you doing your job?

you mean my job as an amazing
detective-slash-genius?

no, it will not.
i'll do all of my work,

guaranteed.

i'm considering it.

i'm interested.

i agree to participate.
all right.

there's the robot
i fell in love with.

(rosa)
hey.

sister steve here
got mugged.

some guy dressed
as the royal baby

punched him
and took his wallet.

she keeps laughing at me.

can't tell you how many nuns

i wanted to beat up
in catholic school.

ten.

i didn't know you went
to catholic school.

good.
you shouldn't know it.

i get it.
you're so mysterious and tough.

but you know what i think?

you're actually
a big softy.

no, i think
she's really mean.

you probably read
a maya angelou poem

at your graduation
and cried.

didn't graduate.
had to leave.

why?
what'd you do?

here's a hint.

i'm not gonna tell you.

oh, i'm gonna find out
anyway.

i'm a detective.

i will detect!

hey.
[sighs]

got an arrest file here
for the captain.

drunk and disorderly.

so, anyways...

gina!

we never talk anymore.

how's the dance troupe?
did you get a haircut?

what's the captain's
schedule like today?

i'm not gonna help you
rob him, jake.

i'm his assistant,
and i take that job

incredibly seriously.

you're literally making
paper airplanes

out of police reports
right now.

well, how am i supposed to get
it into that garbage can?

(jake)
please, gina?

fine, captain's got
a meeting

downstairs in ten minutes.

you're the best.
mwah!

what does your skin taste like?

dina lohan.
i'm wearing her face lotion.

that's it.

thank you.

okay, party's
around the corner.

tipster said there'll be
a huge amount of drug activity.

why is this costume
so stiff?

and what is that smell?

the department never washes
them, so it's probably vomit.

hey!

i got you a chocolate.

yet another great thing
about halloween--chocolate!

thanks.
oh, look.

raggedy ann is drinking vodka
right from the bottle.

people think
if they put on a costume,

they can just get away
with anything they want.

halloween is christmas
for jerks.

come on, ma'am.
no open containers.

oh, and why should i listen
to you, bone person?

it's called a skeleton.
it's a very common word.

just put the vodka away.

(raggedy ann)
you guys are cops?

these guys are cops!

[partiers booing]

are you in my ceiling,
peralta?

(jake)
no.

so what's the plan?

you wait for me
to leave my office,

lower yourself down,
take my medal,

and win the bet?

who are you talking to?

there's no one up here.

peralta,
just so you know,

right now, i am taking
my medal off the wall

and placing it
in a locked safe

whose combination is known
only to me.

the safe, in turn,

is locked in the cabinet.

the only key to that cabinet
is on my person.

i'm off to my meeting.
good luck with your plan.

you think that scares me?

i laugh in the face
of adversity!

are you still there?

captain, are you still there?
i can't hear--

agh!

ow.

here you go.

don't touch the butter.

what happened?
i thought you guys

were supposed to be
at the warehouse party.

we got egged.

some of the shell
got in my contacts

and my hair and my mouth
and my bra.

i can't tell
if that's hot or not.

not hot.

eggshell in my bra
is not hot.

well, it's kinda hot.

boobs go in a bra.
up top.

whoo! my man.

well, it sounds like
costume duty is going great.

so great.
we're having the best time.

right, amy?

i wish i was dead.
hmm.

how's the unwinnable bet going?

well, on the one hand,
i fell through the ceiling

and onto a pencil,
but on the other hand,

i also badly bruised
my brain.

if you wanted to make
a bet with holt,

you shoulda made a bet
you could win.

like who wears
more denim jackets.

that was one time.

you guys never forget
anything.

you know, frankly,
i'm a little surprised

you don't think
i can win this thing.

you're always telling me
how i'm the best.

you're the best, jake.

paperwork delivery.

you're the best, jake.

jake, you're the best.

thank you, charles.

yeah, maybe it's just charles.

(terry)
look, jake,

i love you like you're one
of my daughters.
really?

but it's not about you
or how smart you are.

it's about captain holt.

the man's a genius.

he's had your number
at every turn.

well, not this day...
turn...time.

sorry, i'm pretty sure
i had a concussion back there.

here i come.
all right.

ohh, strong.
ahh.

(rosa)
okay, here's the first set

of royal babies
i rounded up.

popular costume.

any of these guys
look familiar?

maybe the third guy.

the baby who mugged me
was pretty short.

[snickers]

you're not supposed
to laugh at me.

number three,

step forward and say,
"give me your money,

you stupid bag of crap."

gimme your money,
you stupid bag of crap.

no, wrong giant baby.

i still want to know
why you got kicked out

of catholic school.

were you doing drugs?

worse.
selling drugs?

worse.
how bad could it have been?

did you burn down a church?

number three, step forward
and say the word

"worse."

worse.

excuse me, gina.

i can't find peralta anywhere,
and you're the only one

who can decipher
his handwriting.

he arrested that bunny,
but i don't know what for.

he's either a crispy
mother werewolf

or cowboy mustard,
oslo, norway.

hmm.

the bunny groped multiple women
on the subway.

being able to read
jake's writing is a gift.

a useless, useless gift.

(holt)
excuse me one second.

nice costume, peralta.

no peralta here.

just a normal janitor
pushing trash around.

come out of there.

[sighs]

captain, hey.

you really thought
this was gonna work?

uh, it did work.

this whole janitor gambit

was designed to fail.

it's just like in chess.

sometimes in order to win,

you have to sacrifice
your king.

that's exactly how
you lose in chess.

have you ever played
the game?

yeah, i used to play
with my uncle bob

all the time,
and he said i was great.

this is a game
of concentration, jake.

so focus your mind,
and start shooting.

now you're a master
of chess, huh?

he taught me how to shoot
backgammon too.

i expected better
of you.

you could have at least
created a diversion

to distract me
from your terrible costume.

uh, i'm not a dumb butt.

i had a diversion planned.

there was just
a slight timing issue.

oh, my god!

get down, everyone!
there's a big fire!

captain, you better head
over there for, like,

15 minutes and see what's
going on with that.

beware of the back draft.
i'll be in your office.

you have beautiful eyes.

have it your way.

but you're gonna need this.

and...that.

it's filthy in there.

come on, amy!
loosen up!

you look like
such a cop!

come on, have some fun,
you know?

it'll help you blend in!

whoo!

stop trying to get me
to love halloween.

it'll never work.

i'm backing it up.

oh, god, please don't.

hey, heads up.

i'll cut 'em off at the exit.
okay.

move! move, move!

he ditched the drugs.
i'm on it.

ugh.

[groans]

oof, everything
is sticking to me.

ooh.

okay, ugh.
yes.

(male partier)
hey, watch out, man.

ugh! what is that?

how is it hot and cold?

so the soonest you can fix
the ceiling is monday?

i'm gonna have
to call you back.

wait, stop scratching me.

we're supposed to be a team.

ahem.

i was just photocopying
some stuff.

are you trying to jam pigeons
into my air-conditioning vent

to flush me
out of my office?

way to ruin the surprise.

how did you get those birds?
by using my big, fat brain.

get in the bag,
you damn bird.

eat the bread.
eat the bread!

i gotcha!
i gotcha!

all part of my elaborate plan
to defeat you.

so far, you and
your big, fat brain

are losing--badly.

maybe, if we're talking
about who's winning our bet.

but if we're talking
about who's holding more birds,

i'm winning,
four-nothing.

you're only holding two.

yeah.
[clears throat]

ooh, when you were
logging in the drugs,

you missed
some awesome stuff.

guy walked by in full
astronaut costume,

gave me a high five.

[deep voice]
he high-fived me too.

wait--hitchcock?

darn it.

i wasn't supposed to talk,
but i got so excited

about that astronaut.

what is happening?

amy paid me 50 bucks
to trade places with her

for the rest of the night.

really?
yeah.

i'm gonna use that money
to buy two suits.

well, i was gonna ask you
to tell the captain

that i brought in royal babies
for diaz,

but i'm sure he already knows,

since he's always one step
ahead of me.

aww.

(gina)
why so down, little clown?

(jake)
i'm just sick of losing
to holt.

i want that medal.

it's not real gold.

i tried selling it online.
zero bids.

but here's some advice
i gave to the girls

in my dance troupe at the "dance
till you drop" tournament.

that advice was, dance.
dance!

dance.

yeah, i'm not really sure
that applies here, gina.

it does apply.
it means don't give up.

we would've won if
natasha's water hadn't broken.

oh, natasha had her baby?
you know natasha?

yeah.
yeah.

(both)
her dog has lupus.

yeah.
that's a trip.

small world.
yes.

all right, i'm gonna go cry.

i kind of feel bad for him.

(holt)
don't.

he brought this on himself.

you can hang up now.

you paid money to get
out of working with me?

charles, i had to.
tonight has been awful.

halloween is the worst,
and i don't understand

why you like it.

no, all the things
that you think are bad

about halloween
are what make it great.

the big kids egg you.

then you and your friends
run away together.

friendships are forged
in the crucible

of halloween adversity.

that's all i wanted
for us.

you can keep the wig.
i don't need it anymore.

i don't really need it either.

(jake)
hey, captain holt,

can you come out here
for one sec?

[sighs]

you need something, peralta?
yes, i do.

hit it, royal babies.

what--no!

give me my keys.

will you stop catching me?

do you have any idea how much
i spent on key chains?

$23.

wow, that is
unbelievably close.

22.76.

keys.
okay, look.

tonight has been
a little humiliating.

things are not going well,

so i'm gonna just
throw this out there.

what do you say
we call off the bet

and pretend this whole thing
never happened?

oh, i'm not letting you
off the hook.

what? no. pfft.

i meant to give you an out,
so you could save face.

this is getting sad.

yeah, for you.

[clears throat]
so.

i called your school.

and i managed to get a hold
of one sister bernadette.

i remember that old bag.
she was my favorite.

well, guess what she said.

apparently, you were
a model student

and transferred
of your own volition.

fine.

the reason i left
catholic school

was because i got into
the american ballet academy.

i was a classical dancer.

and i was good.

i knew it!

i knew you were
a big softy.

you tell anyone,
i break your face.

no, you won't.
you're too sensitive.

[chuckling]

captain, sorry to interrupt.

some officers
just arrested peralta.

what?
they caught him scaling

the side of the building
with a blowtorch.

[sighs]

captain.

welcome to the endgame.

would you care to shake
the hand

of the man
who defeated you?

forgot i was wearing handcuffs.
ohh, that hurt.

whoo!

climbing the side of
the building with a blowtorch.

what were you thinking?

i was thinking i had
better core strength.

i got winded, like,
ten feet up.

i knew you wouldn't
win the bet,

but your performance tonight
has made me question

not only how good
a detective you are,

but, quite frankly,
how smart you are.

well, that's not surprising.
you constantly underestimate me.

no, you've been
correctly estimated.

you have five minutes
until your deadline,

and here you are,
handcuffed to a table,

in a locked room.

which is precisely
where i planned on being.

captain, let me tell you
a little story.

you remember when
i fell through your ceiling?

yes, that was
six hours ago.

it was, i admit,
a disastrous failure.

but it gave me the idea
for herman,

the friendly janitor
you met.

with herman, i commenced
the perfect crime.

i caught you as herman.

but you didn't catch rosa.

come out of there.

(jake)
it turns out that rosa

is great at picking locks.

does not surprise me.
no, me neither.

of course, i had to find a way
to get her out of your office

(jake)
so i created a diversion.

not mistimed--
perfectly timed

so she could escape unseen.

what about the pigeons?

their only purpose was
to draw you into the copy room

while two members of my team
broke into your locked office.

so now i had a way
into your office

and an open cabinet.

all that was left was
for the royal babies

to steal your keys.

yes, but you didn't need
the keys.

the cabinet
was already unlocked.

you needed a way
into the safe.

and i got it.

your keys back,
you didn't even notice

the sergeant steal your phone.

that's right, even
the sergeant is on my side.

i then had charles dust
your screen cover for prints.

the greasiest smudges revealed

the four numbers
you use the most--

the four numbers
in your passcode.

based on your advanced age,

i assumed that you use the same
passcode for everything--

your phone, your email,
and, of course,

your safe.

that would be
a fair assumption.

it was at that point
that i bumped into a girl

dressed as a sexy robot,
and we got our flirt on--hard.

'sup?

'sup?
jake peralta.

and how was flirting
part of the plan?

oh, it wasn't.
it just ruled.

and that brings us
to five minutes ago,

when amy came to your office
and told you

that i had been arrested.

i knew she's the only one
you would believe

because, frankly,
she's usually too lame

to take part
in these kinds of things.

(jake)
and as you walked over here,

charles awkwardly stuffed
himself through your window

and opened your safe.

we had the four numbers
of your code, which meant

there were 24 possible
combinations for charles to try.

that could take
up to four minutes,

which is why i really dragged
out this explanation.

i mean, really stretched it.
i don't know if you noticed,

but there were times
where i was like,

what am i even talking about?
this isn't--

oh.

but now,
four minutes is up.

which means boyle is either
on the other side of that door

holding your medal,

or i've lost.

well, captain,

it seems that jake

isn't the only person
you underestima--

20 seconds to spare.
game over, captain.

check me.

i think you mean "checkmate."

you really need to learn
how to play chess.

how did you get everyone
to help you?

i appealed to their sense
of teamwork and camraderie

with a rousing speech that would
put shakespeare to shame.

[scottish accent]
for too long,

we've been put down,
ridiculed,

made to wear ties!

but no more!

for today,

we defeat him!

and that worked?
no. no, no.
not at all.

(jake)
my speech did not inspire them.

come on.
so i bribed them.

i told them that if we
pulled this off,

i would do
all of their paperwork.

and since you're doing
all my paperwork...

i'm impressed, peralta.

well done.

thank you, sir.

in fact, the thing
that you failed to see, captain,

teamwork, is exactly...
captain?

what provided our success.
sir?

he's not coming back.

(terry)
boyle, i need you
in the briefing room.

what is all this?

you know how i think
halloween is for jerks?

well, this halloween,
i was the jerk.

i'm sorry about tonight.

"i'm sorry about tonight."

we found the title

for santiago's
follow-up sex tape.

i'm sorry i couldn't convince
you to love halloween.

it's not your fault.
i was terrible.

"it's not your fault
i was terrible"

is also one
of your sex tapes.

ow.

halloween is unbearable.

but it was slightly less
unbearable with you.

don't.
okay.

anyway.

we're all going to the bar,
so get changed,

'cause you can't be
the only one there

not wearing a 'stume.

'stume! oh, my god.
it caught on.

(all)
no.

ah, captain holt.
it is so nice to see you.

never thought i'd say that.
hmm.

a poor winner.
i never would've guessed.

yeah, you would've.

way to go all out
on your costume, by the way.

i believe you have
an announcement to make,

so the floor is yours.

[sighs]
attention, everyone.

jake peralta is an amazing
detective-slash-genius.

now, if you'll excuse me,

i have some paperwork
to do.

all right.

officer in the 92nd got
the royal baby mugger.

he had 19 wallets
in his diaper.

(officer)
we got a runner!

waahhh!

damn!

oh, i didn't tell you.

i got kicked out
of ballet school

for beating the crap
out of ballerinas.

it's a good thing we gave him
a heads up.

team effort.
go nine-nine.

(male announcer)
not a doctor. shh.