Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Vulture - full transcript

hey, you guys see the dude
i brought in today--

the drug dealer?
81 years old.

i think it's the oldest collar
of my entire career.

i once arrested a 96-year-old
for flashing.

i was terrified he'd die
in my backseat...

or flash me.

my oldest collar was 78,
but the pcp

made her fight
like she was 20.

what about two
50-year-old twins?

does that count
as a 100-year-old?

(amy)
no good.
no.



you talking oldest bags?
68.

that's not that old.
yeah, but i was only 20.

20? were you even
a cop then?

no, man, it was before
i got into the academy.

charles isn't talking
about his oldest arrest.

(all)
ew!

yeah, oldest arrest--
68, like i said.

god, you had sex
with a 68-year-old

when you were in your 20s?

when you have a chance
to bed an older woman, you--

no, that is not an older woman.
that's an old woman!

that's someone's grandma!

she was, actually.
that's how i met her.

went to college
with her grandson marvin.



don't--don't knock it
till you try it.

she had a replacement hip
with some serious torque.

it was like having sex
with a transformer.
no.

that is no one's fantasy.

[upbeat music]

♪

(terry)
peralta...

where are we
on the lincoln place murder?

well, like i told captain holt
earlier this week,

we are at the one-yard line.
it's a football reference.

yes, jake.
i played linebacker at syracuse.

really? in high school,
i played center field

in the musical damn yankees.

yeah, you don't want
to brag about that.

peralta, you want
to loop everyone in?

ehh...
that was not a request.

fine.
[groans]

get ready for some stuff
on a screen.

meet fred gorman--

prominent citizen,
lawyer, corpse.

now meet his wife,
ann hoert.

she did not take
his last name,

but i believe she did
take his life.

nice.
thank you, charles.

now, hoert had means,
motives, and opportunity.

i just need to find
the murder weapon.

for some reason, the d.a. won't
move forward with the arrest

until we find the knife
she used.

is that reason that they want
to win the case?

yes.

well, find it.

the family's close
to the mayor,

and i'm catching heat
from the higher-ups.

i'm gonna ask you again.

do you need any resources
or personnel?

no, sir, i've got it.

okay.

dismissed!

sergeant jeffords,
my office.

(gina)
uh-oh.

he probably wants
to talk to you

about how your shirts aren't
tight enough probably.

okay, how can we help?
what do you need?

i need nothing.

i'm about to solve this case,
meet the mayor,

and sell my life rights
to channing tatum

so he can play
my less attractive brother

come on, peralta,
holt said to use the whole team.

we all want this solved.

i appreciate the offer,
but i work best alone...

except when it comes
to sex.

actually,
sometimes including sex.

will you just let us help?

okay, fine.

i will let one
of you help me--charles.

and i am choosing charles
because he's the least likely

to steal my thunder.

i would never steal
his thunder.

i-i'd be afraid to borrow it.
[chuckles]

terry, i'd like you
to accompany me to a gun range.

you mean drive you there
and wait outside...

far away from the guns.

i spent eight years
in the public affairs office,

so my tactical skills
are a little rusty.

sir, i haven't fired a weapon
since the incident.

the mannequin incident--
i'm familiar.

[screaming]

[gun clicking]

actually, there was an incident
after that.

another incident?

[screaming]

you got to cool it, man.

i'm gonna get some candy.

sir, i may not be the man
for the job.

you used to be the precinct's
champion marksman.

i only want to take pointers
from the best.

so i'll keep it low-key.

we'll go after work
to a private range.

no cops, no pressure.

blam! blam, blam!

i told gina
she could join us.
i want to get certified.

there has been a ton of crime
in my neighborhood,

and the cops in my precinct
are very bad.

you live in our precinct.

yeah, i know.

(jake)
i know we've gone
over this before,

but i have to ask you again.

is there anywhere
you can think of in that hallway

well, since i've already
told you, like, three times, no,

why don't i just record it?

then i don't have
to say it again.

the hallway,
like all other hallways,

does not have
a secret knife-hiding place.

all right,
you want to hear it again?

idea for a novel--

a mild-mannered doorman
gets bitten on the penis

by a radioactive spider

and becomes the world's
greatest lover.

no, don't stop it.
i want to hear what happens.

he saves the first lady,
if you must know.

sounds compelling.

oh, boy.

well, hello.

i heard you guys
were making the rounds again.

all right.
[clears throat]

this one's
all you, tiger.
come on!

police!

hey, ma'am.

thank god!
here, hold this.

[baby crying]

the lasagna's burning.
okay.

get the dog, but don't
let it touch the baby!

[phone ringing]
[baby crying]

oh. okay.
peralta.

yo, i looked at the photos
of your victim on your desk.

is that rosa?
tell her i said hi.

the puncture wounds
are similar

to a case
i had a while back.

they aren't from a knife.

i think it's something spiral,
like a corkscrew.

shh, shh, shh, shh.

don't shush me.
i'm helping you.

no, no,
i'm holding a baby.

that was actually very helpful,
thank you.
hi!

uh-oh.
you better get back here. now.

oh!
hello, peralta.

[groans]

(jake)
no, no, no!

i don't know why
you're so upset, man.

i'm the one who had to come
to this backwater stink hole.

what's up, little man?

what's up?
feeling sexy? huh?

yeah, i feel sexy.

yeah, you look sexy, man.
you know i do.

watch out for that door.

yo, how much you bench,
seriously?

captain, please, please,
pretty please

do not let him take over
my case.

major crimes is stepping in.
nothing i can do.

i can't believe
you're just rolling over

and giving my murder away
to the vulture.

we call him the vulture
because he swoops in

and solves cases
that are almost solved

and takes the credit
for himself.

yes, boyle, i put that together
from context.

first of all,
major crimes has jurisdiction

over any and all cases
they want to take.

but more importantly,

you're the one who insisted
on working alone.

i told you for weeks
to use the squad,

and you refused.

i used them.

i mean, rosa's the one
who figured out the corkscrew.

and charles caught a dog.

oh, congratulations,
detective boyle.

you should've
involved him sooner.

turn over your files
to detective pembroke.

sir, call him the vulture.

giving him a name
makes him human.

turn over the files.

fine.

but in protest,

i'm walking over there
extremely slowly.

thank you.

god! this is so boring!

for both of us.

you know,
before i solve this case,

i'd like to thank you for doing
all the super-easy work,

you know, the real
nancy drew-level stuff.

oh, yeah? did nancy drew solve
a lot of murders?

yeah, she did--
murder on ice,

recipe for murder.

nancy was
a wonderful detective.

i wanted to be her
when i grew up.

thanks, charles.
that's helpful.

hey! should we take odds on
how fast i'll solve this case?

nope.
i mean, what was it
with diaz's last

"impossible" extortion case?

what was it, six hours?

that's because
it was 98% solved.

the last 2%
is the hardest to get.

that's why they leave it
in the milk.

what?

(pembroke)
oh! wow!

looking good, santiago.

you foxy ma.

go rot in hell.

this is your fault.

thanks, champ.
good effort.

i got it from here.

and, hey,
you feel free to call me

anytime you need me
to come down here

and help powder
that big white ass of yours.

well, that's the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

[groans]
i hate the vulture so much!

me too.
but he's kind of hot.

what?

you can hate people
and still think they're hot.

case in point,
manuel noriega.

you know what?
i'm with you on this.

tonya harding.

yeah, she's thick.

right?

always classy, jake.

mm-hmm.

sorry you got vultured.

happens to the best of us.

on my count.

one, two--

three!
i got it from here!

get up! get up!
turn around!

[laughing]

you have the right
to remain silent.

can and will be used
against you in a court of law.

thanks, guys,
i got it from here.

let's go.
beat it!

skim white chocolate macchiato
for charles.

i got it from here.

i used a gift card
for that!

god, i just--i want to get
back at him so bad!

i wish i could throw
his cell phone in the toilet

or slash his tires--
i don't know.

or slash
his gorgeous throat.

i cannot figure you out.

okay, i'm buying
everyone drinks

as long as we're here
thinking of a revenge plan.

best idea gets 50 bucks.

throw 'em on out.

what if you called him
from a hospital

and said his whole family
is dead?

like, they died
of cancer.

charles, that is so dark.

i'm putting it down.

so my stance feels good,

but i'm still not
hitting center.
all right.

back your left foot up
a hair.

(gina)
like this?

mm, mm, mm!

no! gina!
we've been over this.

well, show me!

like, wrap your thick,
muscular arms around me and...

hands here, stand up straight,
chin forward.

hold on, my nose itches.

gina!

when i lock my shooting arm,
the other hand feels unstable.

now, what stance
am i supposed to be doing--

weaver or isosceles?

you guys did stances?
like, i'll be like...

yeah, everybody
does stances, gina.

listen, uh--
hey, all right, all right!

look, hey, both you,
just watch.

that's eight!
he did it!

that was only seven.

why are you counting
my shots?

are you trying
to have me recertified?

yes.

if you make eight
of ten shots,

i can sign off on
you carrying a gun again.

gina's here
as an official witness,

and i thought
it'd be easier for you

in a no-pressure
environment.

i can't believe
you tricked me!

you're too good a cop
to be shackled to a desk.

you only have one hit
until you get recertified.

so deep breath, huh?

take the final shot.

don't overthink it.

just relax and breathe.

bring air into your lungs...

like you've done
your whole life.

[panting]
oh, my god.

guys!
how do you breathe?

i forgot how to breathe!

is it two in, one out?

what if we wrap his motorcycle
in plastic wrap

and melt it
with a hair dryer?

little trick i learned
in gift basket making class.

(jake)
all right.
here's what we're up to.

steal his kidney,
burn down his house,

replace his aloe tissues
with regular tissues.

thank you, charles.
you're welcome.

leave a dead cat
in his cedar closet.

note: he would have
to own a cedar closet.

he seems like he would.

sneak into his apartment and
burn popcorn in the microwave.

thank you, charles.

uh, scully asked
for mashed potatoes,

well, i hate to say it,
but i think, by default,

charles' motorcycle idea
is the winner.

yeah!
winning by default.

anybody know
where the vulture lives?

on third, right near here.
how do you know that?

(jake)
chug 'em, boys.
we're rolling!

[grunts]
yes!

take that, vulture!

yeah.
nice.

all right,
give me your hair dryer.

what?
what are you talking about?

don't you carry one
in your purse?

have you ever met
a human woman?

there's a drugstore
four blocks away--i'm on it.

(jake)
oh, no.

scully traveling
four blocks?

that could take weeks.

hoo!

take the shot, sergeant.

i just need a second.

you've had 18 minutes
of seconds.

[phone ringing]

gina's authentic
stolen police badges.

how can i help?

(jake)
hey, it's peralta.
oh, hey, jake.

hey, do you carry
a hair dryer in your purse?

of course.
i'm not an animal.

great.

i need you to bring it
to the vulture's apartment.

there's someone named
"the vulture"?

tell rosa.
she'd be into that.

peralta, why are you asking gina
about detective pembroke?

oh, captain, hello.

uh, we are preparing him
a gift basket of sorts.

(holt)
look, i understand
that you're upset.

but if you want to keep this
from happening again,

i suggest that you pull
your team together

and solve these cases before
major crimes can step in.

am i clear?

yes, sir.
that is definitely clear.

thank you, sir.

you should be frowning.

why is jake smi--
why are you smiling?

because the captain just gave us
the perfect revenge plan.

we team up
and solve this case right now!

that is not what he meant.

think about it, amy.

find the murder weapon,
and out-vulture the vulture!

no one gets in trouble
if we crack the case.

okay, screw it.
i'm in.

yes! that's right!
all right.

we're angry.
we're getting revenge.

we're a little bit tipsy.

we should not be driving.
we're taking the bus.

i love the bus!

(jake)
so the waitress heard
the couple arguing at dinner.

apparently he was having
an affair,

and it was not
the first time.

two years ago, she caught him
with a dog walker

who was walking his dog,
if you know what i mean.

i do.
right?

yes, i got it.
sex times.

mm-hmm.
anyways, we know
it's the wife.

you're real talkative
now that you want our help.

all right,
it is possible

that i should've brought
you guys in sooner.

but i just get so excited,

wrapped up in wanting
to solve stuff, you know?

i get it.
you want to be the best.

we all do.

you just don't have to be
such a butthead about it.

what?
i just can't believe
you would call me a butthead.

shut up.
that's so harsh.

hitchcock farts nonstop.

still waiting, sergeant.

it's just the target looks
exactly like a friend of mine.

it's just freaking me out.

(holt)
you have a friend...

who's just a silhouette?
yes.

let's all just count
to a million.

one, two, three, four,
five, six...

so then iceman says,
"you can be my wingman any day."

and then maverick says--
i've seen the film, sergeant.

i haven't.
what happens next?

goose comes back, right?
he's not really dead.

[sighs]

goose is gone.

no!
i know!

(jake)
all right,
here's how it went down.

9:45, a man screams.

90 seconds later,
wife goes down to the doorman,

says a guy murdered her husband
and then ran off.

we know she's lying.

we've just got to
find the corkscrew

to make our case airtight.

i say we role-play,
see if something sparks.

darling, thank you
for a lovely dinner.

perhaps we should have
one more drink before bed.

[high-pitched voice]
don't you "darling" me,
you philanderer.

no, you're the husband.
the husband had the affair.

i'm always the victim.
i don't want to be the victim.

okay, charles is the door.

no. i'll be the victim.
don't make me a door again.

great. okay, so...
wife goes into the drawer.

gets the corkscrew.
stab, stab, stab.

what did she do
with the corkscrew?

she dumps it
in the hallway trash chute

on the way to the doorman.

no, we checked the trash,
like, ten times.

we would've seen
a bloody corkscrew.

all right, hitchcock,
you're up.

[screaming]

the body.

the corkscrew's
still in the body.

no, you're terrible at this.
go sit down.

you're up, diaz.

stab!

then i...

toss the corkscrew
out the window,

security cam showed
no one driving by at that time

and nothing on the street.

okay, i want in.
but i only want to stab you.

fine.
charles, door.

right.

[clears throat]

okay, uh, sweetheart.

time to die.

that seems a little harsh.

what if it was
a magnetic corkscrew?

if the corkscrew was
on a magnet...

it's stuck halfway down
the inside of the trash chute.

i figured it out first!
[grunts]

wow!

what's happening?

you have a ten-pound flashlight
in your purse,

but not a hair dryer?

i can't see
far enough down.

someone's gonna have to go
down in there.

someone
with narrow shoulders.

no! i have
broad shoulders.

i have narrow hips,
but broad shoulders.

god!

see anything?

a little lower.

freeze!
hands in the air!

ahh!

we're cops.
broad shoulders!

stuck! told you--
broad shoulders.

apparently, our detective squad
has gotten drunk,

and an officer has gotten stuck
in a trash chute.

i need you to lead
this squad, terry.

and i mean really lead it.

i hope you take the shot.

(pembroke)
what kind of precinct
are you running here?

would you like to sit down,
detective?

you seem upset.
hell yeah, i'm upset.

your team disrupted
a crime scene

over which they have zero--
zero jurisdiction.

they were publicly drunk.

apparently
one of them pressed

all the buttons
on the elevator.

only, maybe he just bumped up
against the panel

with that big white ass
of his.

what now?
holt is gonna kill you.

i don't think he will...

because...

voila!

you actually found the corkscrew
in the trash chute?

stuck to the side,
just like you said.

boyle, we're pulling you out!

[screaming]

this is the proudest moment
of my career.

ah!

oh, my god, you guys,
we out-vultured the vulture!

[imitates bird cawing]

what the hell was that?

what? it's a vulture.

now, if you'll excuse me,

i'm gonna take this corkscrew
over to the d.a.

so we get the collar,
not major crimes.

peralta!
now.

[sighs]
okay.

before you get mad--
shut it!

holt was right.

i forgot about
my stupid grown-up kids.

that's insulting.

i should've been
on you guys more.

and starting now,
i will be.

but if you ever
do this again,

i swear i will crush your head
in one hand.

you don't mean that.
try me.

okay.

where you going?

the boss is taking heat

for something
that's not even his fault.

i can't let that happen.

wait.
damn it.

look, it's not
your fault either.

and it's not
the vulture's fault.

it's amy's.

i know. i know.
it's mine.

it's mine, okay?

god, i do not love
how this worked out.

detective pembroke.

now what?

i'd like to cordially invite you
to calm down,

especially considering
that this case

has already been solved...

by you!

looks like you found
the murder weapon.

it's a good thing you realized
it was magnetically stuck

to the inside
of the trash chute.

congratulations.

[chuckles]

cracked the case
all by yourself.

we done here?

yeah.
yeah, we're done here.

hey, keep up
the bad work, champ.

here it comes.
[grunts]

why does he keep
touching my butt?

stay foxy.
die lonely.

well, case closed.
good work, everyone.

let's, uh, call it a night
without any further discussion.

(holt)
no!

all of you broke
into a crime scene

overstepped your jurisdiction,
and disobeyed my direct orders.

everyone involved tonight
is gonna get written up.

okay, fine.

here's everyone who was there.

jake peralta,
j. peralta,

dr. jacob peralta,

who has a phd
in slow-jam studies

from funktown state university,

also involved
was the right honorable j--
okay, enough.

my point is it was
a peralta special, sir.

no one else was there.

well, detective,
i'm happy to see

you're learning how to be
part of a team.

everybody go home.
sleep it off.

sir?
thank you.

ultimately, it was
our raw sexual chemistry

that helped him overcome
his crippling fear.

you should just stay
in the office all day every day

and be my bestie.

you could join
my dance troupe, floorgasm.

we're looking for a man
of precisely your--

it's gonna be a long road,

but i'm ready to get myself
back in the game.

i know you will.

i mean, eventually...

not tonight.

i need to go hug
my baby girls.

excuse me.

jake, i have to say,
the way you handled things

with the vulture yesterday
was very mature.

well, sometimes in life,

you just have to take
the high road.

[timer rings]
oop! time's up!

can't wait to see it.
[grunts]
ah, here we go.

[grunts]
that's good suction.
oh!

ooh!
[grunts]

check it out!

perfect, right?
yeah!

"dear vulture,

"enjoy my big white ass.

jake."

here you are.

always take the high road,
charles.

always take the high road.

(man)
not a doctor.
shh!