Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Slump - full transcript

for the last time,
the best cop movies,

in order: training day,

lethal weapon, and fargo.

end of discussion.
wrong.

die hard is the best
cop movie of all time.

one cop heroically
saving the day

while everyone else
stands around and watches.

it's the story of my life.

i like turner & hooch.

tom hanks, reluctant
friendship with a dog.

that hits me where i live.



no. robocop.

it's got everything i like--
gratuitous violence.

oh, i thought
you were listing things.

let's talk bad boys.
that's the perfect cop movie.

mr. smith, lookin' fine.

a hot cup of tea leone.
come on.

francois truffaut's
breathless.

what?

terry likes
foreign films.

mm-kay. there is
a correct answer

so gather around
for the greatest cop film

please refrain from texting
during our presentation.

(man)
excuse me, ma'am.

all right,
so there's hitchcock.



and there's an old hooker.

there it is!

come on, guys,
that happened four years ago.

shh, this is
the best part.

takes the wallet
and here she goes!

[all groan]

[upbeat music]

♪

hey, love the sweater.

who you slayin' tonight,
lady killer?

well, we shall see
what we shall see.

no, you're dressed exactly
like the lady killer.

damn it!

this is jeffrey dahmer's
corduroys all over again.

all right, let's get started.
scully.

where are you on digitizing
the old case files?

as of yesterday,
i'm officially 1% done.

why are you smiling?

that's nothin'.

and for each one,
i have to fill out

200 little box thingies
on 50 different screens.

at least you get
to sit on your butt all day.

that's actually
the worst part.

my doctor said
i have an anal canyon.

ugh, god, scully,

why are you always
telling us

about your disgusting
body?

i don't see anything.

that's because
it's all wart.

[retching]

peralta, where are we
on the adams street burglary?

aside from a complete
absence of evidence,

suspects, or leads.

so, in conclusion,
not at all close.

and the vickers street
aggravated assault?

stalled out,
and the calloway robbery

due to a lack
of solving it by me.

sounds like someone's
in a little bit of a slump.

i'm not in a slump.

you're not?
scoreboard.

i don't slump, people.

i opposite slump.

i p-muls.

that's "slump" backwards,

and it's what i do.

i p-muls
all over this bitch.

dismissed.

slump.
p-muls!

wait...before
you say anything,

i want to guess what happened,
based on your face.

someone died.

no! you won a prize!

i'm not getting
better at this.

i'm concerned
that the open cases

has become so much higher
than the closed cases

mound of garbage.
all right, sir.

let me hit you
with a little analogy.

are you familiar
with racecars?

formula 1 or stock?

that's already way more
than i know about it.

the point is,
i'm a super-awesome race car

who's hit a couple
of unlucky speed bumps.

you got speed bumps
on a race track?

is that not part
of car racing?

all i'm saying is,
it's open road again.

i'm about to close a case.

missing grandma
helen sterrino.

last sunday,
her grandson judd reported

she went out for bagels
and never came back.

this morning,
we picked up an old lady

matching
her description exactly.

i showed her pictures
of judd, and she said,

[imitating old lady]
"that's my grandson."

what did i say
about doing voices?

i'm a storyteller, sir.

it's my craft.

anyways,
grandson's coming in.

they reunite,
and i throw another case

on the old "solved it" pile.

hey, my croissant.

[heavy thuds]

[crunch]

you wanted to see me,
captain?

yes, the d.a. wanted me
to personally thank you

for your work on
the jay street drug bust.

that's why we do this, sir.

for praise?

uh...

there's a community
outreach program

that's very important
to me.

i was wondering if you'd
like to head it up.

absolutely, sir.

i won't just head it up,

i will
head and shoulders it up.

i will dive in,
swim around it,

and just be altogether
good with it.

be more articulate when you
speak to the children.

yes, sir, i
will make better mouth.

hey, sarge, i need someone
to fill out a lineup.

will you be scary terry?

oh, i love
being scary terry.

he says what regular
terry's thinking.

this is takin' too long!

i'm gonna miss
the farmer's market!

but i'm too busy.

i've got a special case
i'm working on.

uh, hitchcock,

boyle needs you
to fill out a lineup.

oh, great.
i'll take my shirt off.

no one asked you
to take your shirt off.

stop volunteering
to take your shirt off.

i can't hear you!
shirt's over my ears.

hi, rosa.

ooh, i like your shoes.
they're a really pretty...

what do you need?
color. okay.

you know how, every year,
the precinct does

that junior police
program seminar?

that thing where we try
to get a bunch of loser kids

to become student snitches?

no, the thing where we
try to get at-risk kids...

losers.
to sign up to become
junior police officers.

snitches. what about it?

captain specifically
asked me to run it this year.

i signed you up
to do it with me.

here's the info.

now i gotta read something?

greetings.
fine.

i guess i can help you
with those at-risk kids.

[scoffs]
i don't need
your help.

it's nothing personal,
it's just...

you're not a cop,
so i'm not really sure

you could help.
okay.

no hard feelings.

but i hate you.

not joking. bye.

[distant siren]

ah, mr. and mrs. terrino.

i'm glad you're here.

may i present to you...
[imitates trumpet fanfare]

oh, my darlings.
thank god i found you.

oh, look at
those beautiful cheeks.

i have no idea
who this lady is.

i've never seen her
before in my life.

what?
no, she recognized you.

this is helen.
who's helen?

oh! that's my husband.

solomon!

i'm--i'm not really
her husband.

you're so much shorter
than you used to be.

what did the japanese
do to you?

different generation.

okay, this
is ethel musterberg

from the prospect heights
senior center.

there was an i.d. card
in her back pocket.

why was your hand
in her back pocket?

well, she told me
she didn't have any i.d.,

and, unlike boyle,
my first instinct

was not to caress
her butt.

frisked!
i frisked her butt!

it looks like this case
remains unsolved, peralta.

oh, my god.

i'm in a slump!

oh, cool. you're all here
in the break room.

you asked us
to come in here.

what? here's
a hypothetical question.

let's say
i knew someone

that, for the first time
in their career,

was experiencing,
like, a minor slump.

to that person if they
were going through that?

well, i haven't really been
in a slump since my divorce.

so i'd tell this person,
"maybe get divorced."

he'd have to
get married first.

okay, so the suggestion
to beat

is get married
and then divorced.

rosa?

fly to montreal,
hit a classy hotel bar,

bone a stranger,
slump over.

wow, that sounds
amazing.

yeah.
that's a good one.

sarge, what would
you do?

10,000 sit-ups.

okay, do you have
a backup plan

in case my hypothetical
person can only do

9,500, or 3?

what's going on
in here?

we're helping jake's friend
got out of his slump.

or try working a case
until it's solved, peralta.

i always find
that closing cases

is the best way
to end the slump.

thank you, captain!
he's right.

you just need a win.

pick your easiest,
no-brainer case,

and work it
till it's done.

fine!

right after i do
rosa's montreal sex thing.

that sounds fun.
yeah.

okay, this is
the junior police program.

aka "mission possible."

[spy music plays on tv]

your mission, should you
choose to accept it,

is to get your life
back on track.

[coughs]
narc!

[laughter]
hey, gina.

what are you doing?
oh, hi, amy.

since i have nothing to offer,
and since i'm not a cop,

i thought i'd just
show up and learn.

do you wanna
help me out here?

nah, i think i'm good.

i know you think
getting in trouble is cool.

but let me show you
what can happen

if you continue
down this path.

hey, yo,
i'm an at-risk kid,

and i think it's cool
to sell drugs.

hold up--why does
the kid selling drugs

sound like he's black?

he's not.
well, why not?

are you saying that
black people can't sell drugs?

no, i'm not saying that.

we have a black president.

why can't black people
sell drugs?

i'm so confused.

black people can sell drugs!

(all chanting)
black people can sell drugs!

black people
can sell drugs!

black people can sell drugs!

black people
can sell drugs!

black people can sell drugs!

(terry)
[muffled grunting]

don't make me
hit you again.

um...i'm building
this dollhouse for my girl.

it's her birthday
tomorrow.

i told my wife
i'd get it done.

i had the same exact one
when i was a kid!

mom, charles is hogging
my doll house!

grandma bought it
for the both of us!

you want some help,
big man?

no! i can do this.

it's just driving me
a little crazy.

where do i affix
the princess tower, boyle?

where do i affix it?

on the side of the turret--

not now, boyle.

let a brother breathe.

let a brother breathe.

why would i swap cases
with you?

i got multiple calls that
a guy in the sackett towers

is dealing meth
out of his apartment.

it's a guaranteed arrest.

and therefore will have
a ton of paperwork,

which i know you hate.

i have a murder here
with no leads

and no evidence.

it's unsolvable,
and thus...

shall have no paperwork.

you had me
at "no paperwork."

that was the very end
of the sentence.

all right, boyle.

let's hit it.

so where are you going,
peralta?

i am on my way
to ending the slump.

i got a dunker, captain.
nothin' but net.

hey, slump,
you're about to get

nailed by the jake hammer.

so you haven't solved
any of your old cases,

and yet you've
taken on a new one.

i mean, shouldn't you
at least solve

this helen sterrino missing
grandmother case first?

or i could solve
the super easy one,

get my mojo back,
and move on to catching

the zodiac killer.

am i getting ahead
of myself?

no, you are not,
jake rabbit.

i like jake hammer better.
let's go. ah.

i did not think
getting these kids

[scoffs] these kids
don't wanna listen to you.

you're like...
smart and articulate.

so are you!

why am i offended by that?

they don't
identify with you

because you're not
from the streets. i am.

follow, watch, learn.

all right, listen up.

i know you think
you're badasses.

but deep down,
you're scared.

how do i know?

because i've been
that same scared kid.

and if you don't get
your crap together,

i'm gonna end up busting you
and throwing you in jail.

got it?

remix, yo!

[autotuned singing]
♪ throwing you in jail

♪ throwing you in jail
[laughter]

♪ got it?

♪ throwing you in jail

what's happening?

i think they're
laughing at you.

that's never
happened before.

i don't like it.
♪ got it?

nypd, hands where
i can see them.

don't shoot!
i was just practicing

my minuets,
but i'll hold it down.

all right, flute man,
who else is in this apartment?

where's the dealer?
i live here alone

with my birds.

what, you don't think
i know this m.o.?

these are mules.

they're drug mules.

they're bird mule drugs.

drug bird mules.

apartment's clear.

we got multiple calls
about a dealer here.

i bet it's the silly kids
down the hall.

they love prank calling me.

the only drugs
in this apartment

are for my heart,
my liver,

my kidney,
my salivary glands,

and my penis and my feet.

oh, bird pooped
on your shoulder.

no, wait...
pooped on your head,

then dripped
onto your shoulder.

i'm telling you,
it's good luck.

no, it isn't, okay?

that's just something
people say

when a bird poops on you
to make you feel better

because it's terrible.

fore, comin' in!

oh, come on.
i was at the crime scene.

this guy comes up
out of nowhere, confesses.

well, he says he's gotta
make things right,

so helps me track down
his accomplices.

that is so great, man.

looks like everything's
comin' up hitchcock.

hey, jake.
you busy?

yes, i very clearly am busy.

the medical examiner's office
just called.

so the d.a.'s gonna have
to dismiss your last two busts.

[sighs]
great.

and the slump gets worse.

i don't think
it's a slump.

honestly, you are
straight-up cursed.

good to know.

can you hand me
a paper towel, please, gina?

there's no more left.

yeah, that sounds right.

hey.

you're dripping
on my carpet.

oh, don't worry, sir.
it's just urinal water.

clean urinal water.

you could eat
off his shirt.

why would i ever
eat off his shirt?

look, sir, i don't know
what's going on,

but i think i'm cursed.

i mean, i can't solve a case
to save my life.

birds are unloading on me
left and right.

hey, sarge, do we have
any old t-shirts in here? i--

yeah, i've seen
this kind of thing before.

it happened to a friend
of mine back in the 1-8.

detective smith.

we called him smitty.

he thought he was cursed,

and because cops
are superstitious,

the whole precinct
thought he was cursed.

but then he found a case,
and he solved it,

no. no one would go out
on calls with him.

he responded to a riot
at a gym without backup,

and got beaten up
by a girls' volleyball team.

it was actually
quite violent.

man...

girls are so scary.

i don't want you out
in the field again, peralta.

you can digitize old files
with scully.

you're benching me?

no, no, no, look--
i've got a plan.

give all my open cases
to hitchcock,

who's suddenly
on a roll,

and assign me
20 fresh ones.

eventually,
my luck will turn.

no, i don't think
that's what's best for you

or the squad.

not until this blows over.

and how long
will that be?

could be a week,

could be a month.

could be a year.
could be a decade.

sorry, we're just saying
bigger and bigger numbers.

i don't know how to connect
with these kids.

they're mean and shallow
and respect nothing.

i mean, what kind of person
would they even listen to?

hitchcock, stop bringing
your food

in little
tupperware containers.

it hurts my fingers
when i'm trying to open it.

(hitchcock)
sorry!

hey, gina.
that's a super cute...

what do you want?

sweater.
okay.

rosa and i think
it would be great

if you talked to the kids.

mm, i thought
only cops could help.

in this case,
not being a cop

might actually be better.
mm, that's true.

in all cases,
cops are the worst.

"enter the numbers
from this report

"into the corresponding boxes
on the screen.

then fill out these fields."

and i'm in a coma.

hey, hitchcock.

help me out, man.
i'm so bored.

let me jump back
on that murder with you.

no. i got it.

come on, man,
let me just--

no, don't touch it!
you're contagious.

everything could fall apart!

geraldo, leave
hitchcock alone!

come here.

i got in touch
with smitty.

he says that you should
rub this rabbit's foot

with your left forefinger
and your pinky,

like this, for good luck.

okay? now you try it.

okay.

yep.

it's definitely helping.

i can feel it.

the curse is lifting
off of me.

ah, hand cramp!

rub, rub, rub.

[groaning]

[whimpering]

you okay?

the fairy princess castle
has defeated me.

i'm a grown man

with man hands
and a man brain.

i should be able
to put together

a dollhouse in less
than four hours.

why does it have
to be so hard?

look...this screw
has three pointy sides.

and nowhere to screw it in!

[screw clatters on floor]

and there's wheels.

what kind of castle
has wheels?

[screams]

all right...
[shouting]

117a. yes.

117b.
yes.

118a.

wait a minute.

hey, just heading
to the can.

take the rabbit's foot.

roger that.

hey. what's going on?
hey.

well, i'm not allowed
to leave my desk,

so we have to meet
in here.

so what you're saying
is that this

is kind of a...
no, for the last time,
charles,

we don't need
a clubhouse.

clubhouse!

[high-pitched singsong]
clubhouse.

you know
what i'm thinking--

no clubhouse.

i need you to make
these calls for me.

but if my hunch is right,
the slump is over.

come through for me,
boyle.

you know i will.
all right.

i'm just saying, put a couple
leather chairs in here.

children, your problem
is not that you're troubled

or at-risk or bad dressers.

is that a trucker hat?
still?

come on.
your problem...

is that you don't
have passion for anything.

my life turned around
when i found my passion.

and today,

well, i hope
to inspire you with it.

[christina aguilera's
beautiful playing]

♪ mm-mm-hmm-hmm

♪ 'cause you are beautiful

♪ no matter what they say

♪ words can't bring you down

♪ no, no, no

♪ 'cause you are beautiful

♪ in every single way

[music shuts off]

[sighs]
what are we thinking?

yes, in the denim.

i think i speak
for everyone when i say

your weird dancing
was just weird.

fine.
cops make $52,000 a year.

and you get to carry a gun.
who wants in?

boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom.

yes.
oh, my god.

you got eight kids
to sign up.

that's what made me sign up
when i was a kid.

you did this program?
mm-hmm. yeah.

it does not work.

they're here.

fantastic.

too dramatic?

no.
hi.

why are we
in the bathroom?

i thought you might
ask that,

and i will answer
in due time.

but first, i know
what happened to your grandma.

nothing.

what are you
talking about?

the reason
i couldn't find her

is because
she never existed.

i had detective boyle
make some calls,

and it turns out
you've done this before.

five missing persons reports
in five different states.

recognize this?

what are you
accusing us of?

probably insurance fraud.

definitely filing
a false report

now, you were wondering
why we did this in the bathroom.

it's because
you're full of crap.

blammo!
jake hammer strikes again.

jake hammer
strikes again.

i see we got eight recruits
for the junior police program.

outstanding.

thank you, sir.

but, as important
as your praise is to me,

it should
actually go to gina.

she's the one that
got through to the kids.

yes, i am amazing.

and i only ask for one thing
in repayment.

a 600% raise.
or...

i can give you
a zero percent raise

and make you
my personal assistant,

which is what i'm doing.

i think you have
hidden talents,

which will make you
surprisingly good the job.

no, i have no talents.

you start monday.

constantly getting
holt's approval is the worst.

yes.
i can only imagine.

well, the curse is over.
the slump is done.

permission to take a selfie
of the two of us, sir?

permission denied.

too late.
[camera snaps]

ah, that was a good one.

so, the rabbit's foot
worked, huh?

ah, maybe.

all i know is my mind
was so numb

from doing
all that boring data entry

that my brain
kind of rebooted,

and i had an inspiration

about one
of my old cases.

and i now see that
that was your plan all along.

and that you're
capable of smiling.

all talented detectives

have their ups and downs,
peralta.

so you think i'm talented.

you said it.
no takebacks.

you know why boyle
doesn't slump?

because his whole life
is a slump?

because he doesn't
let adversity get him down.

he keeps grinding.

if i'd given you
those new cases,

the second you hit a snag,
you would have spiraled again.

you need to stay out
of your own head.

okay. but, sir,
i don't get it.

if that was your plan,
why bother with smitty

and the rabbit's foot?

well, there's a very good
reason for that.

i was, uh, i believe
the term is, uh...

messing with you.

oh...

i see what's
going on here.

we're becoming homies.

office christmas card
candidate, right here!

me and holt are homies!

hey, sarge.

i assembled the castle
for you.

here it is.

oh, my god.

what happened to all
the princess flourishes?

so i turned it into
a princess police station.

you know, some jobs
take brains,

some jobs take muscles,

some jobs take
dainty little fingers.

did i ever tell you i had
to wear a woman's wedding ring?

thank you, boyle.

i appreciate it.

you're a good dad.

don't put so much
pressure on yourself.

oh, check this out.

working siren.

[siren blares]
i'll fix that!

i'll fix--i'll fix that.

not a doctor.
shh!