Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Unsolvable - full transcript

Whoa. What's with the cast?
I sprained my wrist.

Oh, no!
What happened?

Don't worry about it.
I'm fine.

Yeah! Geez, amy.

Back off.

[whispering] all right,
huddle up, everybody.

Bring it in,
bring it in!

So he wouldn't say
what happened,

Which can only
mean one thing.

He's in a fight club.
(jake)
no.

He did it doing something
he's embarrassed by,



I sprained my wrist in college
playing field hockey.

Men's field hockey?
Yeah.

It's much more violent
than the women's game.

We're not allowed
to wear anything

That protects our breasts.

Attention, everyone,
I can hear you speculating

About the nature and origin
of my injury from my office.

I tripped over
an uneven sidewalk.

I did not think
it was relevant to your jobs,

The jobs which you should all
be doing right now.

Get to work.

Do you wanna know
how I actually hurt my wrist?

Yes.

I was hula-hooping.



Kevin and I attend a class
for fitness and for fun.

Oh, my god.

I've mastered all the moves.

The pizza toss...

The tornado...

The scorpion,
the oopsie doodle.

Why are you
telling me this?

Because no one...
Will ever believe you.

(jake)
no. No!

You sick son of a bitch.

[upbeat music]

♪

What has three thumbs
and just made another arrest?

This guy!

It doesn't work if you don't
put your thumb up.

Thank you!

23 solves in one month.
New precinct record!

Yeah!
[cheers and applause]

Thank you, thanks.

[salt 'n' pepa's
whatta man playing]

Ha! No, and I will never dance
to that song.

Wait to go, jakey!
Whoa!

Are those thumbtacks?
What the hell, scully?

I thought
they'd make good confetti.

Why?

This took a lot of hard work
and a lot of late nights.

Take the weekend off,
peralta.

(jake)
thank you.

You know,
I actually might.

I'm severely sleep-deprived
and I'm way behind on laundry.

Good work.
Oh.

That's nice.

Hey!

Are you going on a cruise
with your mom...In 1913?

This is a very stylish bag.

Teddy and I are going to
the berkshires for the weekend.

Oh, for like
a police conference?

Nope, just a romantic getaway.

Wow!

That's great.
I know.

We're kind of taking things
to the next level.

What are you doing
this weekend?

Oh, opposite
of the berkshires.

Work-shires.
Working, whole weekend.

I thought you were taking the
weekend off to do your laundry.

Does crime take the weekend off
to do its laundry, scully?

No, it doesn't.
Sorry.

Can I call you back?
Bye.

What's up?
Looking for paper towels.

What are you doing in here?
Talking to vivian.

We're still trying
to figure out

Whether we should
move to canada.

It's awful!

Thank god it hasn't affected
how much we bathe together.

Almost never?

All the time.

Thing is it's so hard
to talk at work

Because there's no privacy.

The roof is freezing,

The holding cell
is full of perps,

And their romantic advice
is not great.

It's always to tell vivian,
"bitch, get your life right!"

I tried it.
She did not like it.

Let me work on it.

Ah.

Hands up, cop.

Hey--no, no.
Oh, no, no!

It's teddy,
your boyfriend!

Aww, boyfriend.
Yeah.

Can you release my arm?

Oh, yeah!
Sorry.

[laughs]
good one.

[laughing]
thanks.

Oh, I just wanted to see you
before we left for the weekend.

(gina)
aw, that's so gross.

What's this weekend?

We rented a cabin
in the berkshires.

We're taking a couples
cooking class,

And there's
this great antiques fair.

Sounds like you two
have a wonderful

Lesbian vacation planned.

Now my question is,

Will you be back
tomorrow afternoon?

Because that is when
you promised holt

You'd help with
his community outreach meeting.

That's this weekend?

I totally forgot.

How did I let the captain
talk me into that?

Excuse me, everyone.

Would one of you
be willing to--

Me! I'll do it!

I volunteer all my time.

Crap.
What am I gonna do?

Well, it's okay.
We can reschedule.

I mean, we'll lose
the deposit, but...

Mm, or you could just lie
to captain holt.

That's my policy for everything
and it always works.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'll just tell the captain
I made a mistake,

And he'll understand.

Mm-kay.

But if you do lie,

You can't go wrong
with dental emergency.

Or death of a triplet.

Now that one
you can use twice.

[chuckles]
smart.

Good news, sergeant.

I figured out what we're
gonna work on this weekend.

I'm working on spending time
with my family.

We're having
a fancy tea party.

I am the king
of origami napkins.

I thought you were taking
the weekend off.

No, I decided
to spend the weekend

Taking things
to the next level.

Work-wise.

I found a cold case of ours
that everyone foolishly said

Was unsolvable.

Case 52abx-dash-32qj.

Jake, case 52abx-dash-32qj
is unsolvable.

Or maybe case 52abx-dash-32qj

Is waiting for someone
to de-unsolve it.

What's case
52abx-dash-32qj?

Case 52abx--we gotta find a way
to abbreviate this thing.

Anyway, it's an old case
that the sarge and I worked

This guy nate dexter was
murdered in a boat explosion.

No witnesses, no leads,
minimal evidence.

This case almost killed us.

Yeah, but I'm on
a hot streak!

Plus we're
better detectives now.

We're smarter,
computers are faster,

No more blockbuster.

Drones?

I'm feeling it.

That was creepy.
Huh?

But...Convincing.

Oh, he's standing up.

I've always wanted
to solve that case.

Then think about how good
it would feel to finally do it.

What's the best moment
of your life?

My wedding day.

Tied with the day
my babies were born.

Compared to this,
those memories will be garbage.

You don't know
what you're saying.

'cause I'm not married
and I don't have kids. Right?

Okay.

Okay, here's what we know.

Nate dexter
was a small-time crook

Who pissed someone off.

They blew up his boat,
with him still on it,

And left no evidence
except this one charred finger

And nate's melted torso.

Man, I'm having deja vu
right now.

Whoever did it
left no evidence,

Except one charred finger

And nate's melted torso.

So in other words
nothing's changed.

Except our attitudes.

So! We start
at the last place

That dexter was seen
before he went to the marina--

I'm telling you, sarge,
I got a good feeling about this.

Aw, no!

Well, it appears
his building was torn down.

I know this seems
like bad news,

But on the plus side

The harder the solve
the sweeter the solve.

No, it's just bad news.

You're bad news.

Just saying
you're bad news for bad guys,

'cause you're
a number-one cop.

Blacker the berry
the sweeter the juice!

What?
What?

Let's solve the case!

(rosa)
hey!

We need to tell charles
about babylon.

He needs a private place
to talk to vivian.

What? No!
Babylon's our secret place.

It's the best thing
in my life,

And I have a very full life.

Do you know I know papa john?
The papa john.

Someone is lying to you.

We can't tell charles.

He's incapable
of keeping a secret.

[whispering]
I shouldn't tell you this,

But we're throwing you
a surprise party later!

Look, we tell charles
about babylon,

Or I shred your nap blanket
into a million tiny rags.

No! I love wolfie.
Fine! You win!

Tell charles.

Hold me close,
little wolfie.

Hold me.

(jake)
all right, convict.

What do you know
about the murder of nate dexter?

Look, I'll tell you
the same thing...

I told you eight years ago.

I don't know anything
about nate dexter.

And even if I did...

The best french toast
I ever ate

Was with mayor lindsay's dog.

He's very old,
he's lost his mind.

[cell door buzzes open]

We're making progress!

[knocks on door]
hello, captain, my old friend.

I've come to talk
with you...

Again.

I've lapsed into song lyrics.

Santiago, can I help you?

I need to speak with you
about this weekend.

Ah, yes, I'm so happy
you'll be there

To oversee
the audio-visual presentation.

The last time did not...
Go well.

The next chart shows
the drop in the crime rate

Over the last month.
[beep]

I just erased everything.

I'm so sorry, but I think
I'm gonna be unable

To help out tomorrow.

Why is that?

Dental emergency.

I'm getting
my wisdom teeth pulled.

Wow, you must be
in a lotta pain.

Yeah, I've been in pain
for days.

I had no idea
you were living like this.

No one knows.

I am a rock.
I am an island.

I have lapsed
into song lyrics again.

Okay.

(alfonso)
that's all of 'em.

What? What about
to frank williams?

He's in the infirmary.

He was beat up pretty good,

A lot of internal bleeding.

Awesome!

I mean, not the internal
bleeding thing.

That sounds horrifying.

But I bet you
we can get him to talk

If we offer to move him
from his current address

On beatdown boulevard.

That's a great idea.
Looks like we got lucky.

(jake)
hey, side note--

Good name
for my debut hip-hop record.

Strongly disagree.
Okay.

(charles)
will you just tell me
where we're going?

Guys? Guys!

Oh, my god,
you're gonna beat me up.

[harp music plays]

Welcome to babylon!

(rosa)
it's our secret bathroom.

It's so beautiful.

There used to be a transit
police squad down here.

This was a captain's bathroom.
I found it a while back.

She told me about it
a year ago

When I got stomach flu
from that sewer rave.

(rosa)
we put a lotta effort
into making this place nice.

Look.

Weird crystals.

Also,
lavender-scented candles,

A zebra-skin rug,
and the toilet paper is,

Mm, triple-ply.

Wow.

It turns anyone's bottom
into a vip.

More importantly...

(rosa)
it has great cell service.

We thought you could
use this place

But you have to promise
not to tell anyone about this.

I pinky promise.

Not good enough.

Blood pact!
Ahh!

All right, frank,
let's recap, shall we?

You slipped and fell
onto a shiv.

Then you got up
and fell backwards

Onto another shiv.

And finally one last shiv
fell from the ceiling

And into your body.

I'm gonna go out
on a limb here.

I think you got shivved.

What do you guys want?

You know anything
about the murder of nate dexter?

Maybe.

What do I get
if I do?

How about a transfer
to another cell block?

One with fewer shivs.

Okay.

I can't be sure,

But I think dexter owed money
to a guy named sam bunsen.

And...That's a new lead!

First lead in eight years.

You were right.

♪ ohhh, beatdown boulevard

♪ is the toughest street
in town ♪

No, no.

♪ and if you step
to a gangsta crew ♪

♪ you're bound
to get beat down ♪

♪ ah, ha, ha, ha, ha

Santiago.
How are your teeth feeling?

(gina)
oh.

Dental emergency?

Yes, it just sorta happened.

It still hurts,

But I can make it
till tomorrow.

Well, if you're in
this much pain,

I don't think
you should wait.

My brother-in-law is
one of the top oral surgeons

That's two better
than the tri-state area.

He's agreed to see you
tonight at 6:00

As a personal favor
to me and kevin.

Wow! Tonight!

Thank you.

But that's not gonna work...

Because of the anesthesia

And driving myself home.

I'll just go tomorrow.
Teddy can take me.

I'll drive you to and from
the dentist's office myself.

That's great,
just great.

He's a good dude.

He's a good, good dude.

(jake)
hey, sarge.

No sign of sam bunsen
in the federal database.

You got anything?
Bad news.

I only found his wife
and she hasn't heard from him

In eight years.

That doesn't sound good.
Yeah.

That's why I started
by saying "bad news."

Terry believes in having
a clear topic sentence.

I bet mrs. Bunsen is lying.
She knows where her husband is.

I pushed pretty hard.

She said she's willing
to take a lie detector test.

Well, then let's bust out
the polygraph.

Lie detector truth or dare!

You ended up telling everyone
you had a crush on the teapot

From beauty and the beast.

It's the way they drew her.

[door slams]

All right, pretty boy,
where is it?

Where's what?

The secret bathroom.

Secret what?
Bathroom where?

Okay, captain,
I'll be right there!

Don't lie to us.

We've been watching you.

11:18 a.M., rosa told you
to follow her,

And you guys left together.

(scully)
you returned at 11:31
smelling of lavender.

And you've been drinking
chamomile tea all day long

And haven't been
to the men's room once.

Since when are you two
so into being good detectives?

Since it came
to secret bathrooms.

Tell us where it is!

Now!

Okay! Please state
your name one more time.

Are we really
doing this again?

It's, like, the fifth time.

That's a lie!
It's only the fourth time!

No?

Okay, my bad.
Continue.

I'm sophia bunsen,

I haven't talked to my husband
in eight years.

This is nate dexter.
He was friends with my husband.

I didn't know
he was dead.

You think my husband
killed him,

But I guarantee
that's impossible.

Okay.
Good.

But not good enough!
Let's do it again.

Jake, what's going on
with you?

She passed the test
like five times.

Or maybe...
She's in cahoots.

With him! Hmm?

Are you two cahooting?

Are you cahooting?

Jake!
It's over, man.

We had a lead,
now it's dead.

It happens!
No.

If it's not her,
and it's not him--

Which I'm still not
convinced of, by the way,

Then it's gotta
be the machine.

I'm taking this thing
for a test drive of truth.

Thanks for taking us,
marty.

Please, ray,
we're family.

[mumbling]

Neither of us
can understand you at all.

Ah.

The visual examination
doesn't show much inflammation,

But these x-rays
should be more telling.

Let's see what's
beneath the surface.

Oh, stop!

Santiago.

I...

Oh, god.

I forgot
I promised to help you,

And I made plans to go
to the berkshires

With my boyfriend.

Oh.

Wait.

So you lied to me
to get out of work?

Yes.

I may be a liar,

But I've got great teeth.

And no one can
take that from me.

Have you heard of
"over-brushing?"

Your aggressive technique
has stripped away

The protective enamel
and much of your gum.

You have seven cavities.

I have to say...
I feel like you deserve this.

[whispering]
charles!

What the hell is wrong
with you?

You told hitchcock
and scully?

No! What?

Yep,
this...Is...Happening.

They were scary.

It was like that moment
in planet of the apes

When the monkey talked.

(charles)
look, I'm sorry.

You let me
into your special place.

Ew.
I messed up,
and I'll fix it.

It's okay, charles,
you don't have to.

No! It's not okay.
Babylon hath fallen.

Charles betrayed us
and I will make him pay for it.

Boyle needed a bathroom,
so we told him about it.

Just like I told you
when you needed it?

Leave him alone.
He saved my life.

Plus...He's pitiful.

And his life is crap
right now.

Yeah! It is!
Thank you, rosa.

I'm telling you
this machine is broken.

Ask me a question.

Is jay z really
your favorite artist?

Yes, obviously.

Lie.
[scoffs]

See? It's busted.
Is it?

Or is your favorite artist
really taylor swift?

[scoffs]
no.

Lie.
All right, fine.

She is.

[quietly]
she makes me feel things.

She makes me all of us
feel things!

Look, that machine
is working just fine.

Why are you being so crazy
about this case?

I wanted to work
the toughest case we had.

Why?

Because it would feel
awesome to solve it.

Because a real man
doesn't run from a challenge.

I mean, do they run
from the bulls in pamplona?

Yeah. That's the whole
point of it.

Seriously?
That seems lame.

I don't know why you wanna spend
the entire weekend at work,

But I'm going home
to my family.

See you tomorrow, jake.

Fine, abandon me!

I don't want you here
anyway.

That's a lie.

Come on, man.

[siren]

I got here an hour early.
This better be good.

Hmm?
Holy moses!

What happened to you?

I have not slept in,
since I last saw you,

Many hours.

Plus, I think
I'm hallucinating

Because I'm pretty sure I just
heard your biceps mocking me.

No, that's possible.

My biceps mock a lotta people.
Mm.

Good to know.

So I rewatched
the interrogation,

Sophia wasn't lying
about anything.

She doesn't know
who killed nate dexter.

But...She does know
something way better.

Come with me.

Jake!
Hmm?

People normally move
after they say that.

Oh, yeah, I feel asleep
for a second.

Sorry.

Come with me.

Okay! Ahh!

Y'all ready for this?
You know what I'm saying?

Terry jeffords,
allow me to introduce to you...

Our murder victim,
the not-dead nate dexter.

What the hell
is going on?

[mimics explosion]
right?

Sophia wasn't lying.

I was just not asking
the right questions.

She hadn't seen her husband
in eight years,

But she was positive there's
no way that he killed dexter.

That's when it occurred to me,
no one killed him.

Hey, nate, just talking
about how you're alive.

Yeah, I'm alive.

But whose melted torso
did we find?

Sophia's husband.

Yes!

Sophia and dexter
were having an affair,

Husband found out,
nate killed him.

Now I'm telling my friend
about how you killed that guy.

It was for love!

Cool motive,
still a murder.

Also, you remember
that severed finger?

Check this out.
Hey, nate.

Show us your hands, please?

Ho-ho!
Right?

Cut it off himself.
How screwed up is that?

Anyway, I asked all of my cis
if they had dealings

With a nine-fingered man.

Unsolvable case...
Solved!

Whoo!

What'd you wanna talk
to us about?

Well, I got hitchcock
and scully

To promise never to use
our bathroom again.

How'd you do that?

The donald and I call it
"the art of the deal."

You want your bathroom back,
fine.

I want your chair.
Mine smells like my butt.

Ew! Fine.

And we want
your coyote blanket.

It's not a coyote,
it's a wolf.

Learn your animals, idiot.

[sighs]
told you she wasn't serious.

Let's go, scully.

Fine!

I can't believe
you gave up wolfie.

It was worth it.

Plus, I'm done
with wolves now.

I'm into angry unicorns.

[giggles]

If I was a unicorn,
I'd never be angry.

(amy)
jake!

Nice job on the case.
Great solve!

Thanks. Aren't you supposed
to be in the berkshires?

I had a dental thing.

But you're such
a good brusher.

I know!
[laughs]

Turns out
that was my undoing.

Classic.
Yeah.

Hey, you remember teddy.

Oh! Yeah. Hey, man.
How are you?

Can I buy you a pilsner?
They have awesome pilsners here.

Teddy's really
into pilsners.

Cool!

Everyone raise your glasses
to the amazing jake peralta!

Today, he did the impossible.

He closed
case 52abx-dash-32qj.

[all cheer]

Speech, speech, speech!

Look, the real hero here
is the murderer.

Because without him
there wouldn't be a case.

So...Here's to nate dexter,
the murderer.

[all cheer]

Captain...

I wanna apologize
for lying.

Thank you.

Next time just talk to me.

Okay.

Now I know this comes
on the heels of betraying you,

But...Can I have
next weekend off

To go to that cabin
in the berkshires with teddy?

Okay.

[sighs]

Thank you, sir.

[laughs]

I still can't feel my mouth.
Did a little bit dribble out?

What's going on with you?

For the past two days,

You've been telling me
how amazing it was gonna be

To solve this case.

This does not
look amazing.

I don't know, man.

I thought
I'd be more psyched too.

Maybe I just need
a cooler case.
No.

That is not gonna work.

You set the precinct record,
you weren't happy.

You solved an unsolvable case,
you weren't happy.

No case is gonna
make you happy.

[sighs]

Something's bothering you.

And whatever it is
you gotta deal with it.

Yeah, well, maybe I can't
deal with it right now, or...

You know, whatever.

[chuckles]
I know!

Oh.

That's a tough one.

Yeah.

But solving more cases isn't
gonna make you feel any better.

Having a drink
with a friend might though.

Thank you, but I don't think
another drink is gonna help.

I think having a lot more drinks
might help.

[laughing]
there he is!

So...
Amy, huh?

We're gonna need some shots.

[both singing along]
♪ what a man, what a man

♪ what a man,
what a mighty good man ♪

Everybody comes around!

♪ what a man, what a man

♪ what a man,
what a mighty good man ♪

I hate myself
right now.

(man)
fremulon.

Not a doctor.
Shh!