Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Fancy Brudgom - full transcript

All right, gang, Diet Day Four.

How's everyone holding up?

Honestly, I'm going to last forever.

You hear that, bitches?
♪ I'm gonna last forever ♪

I'm doing great.

This morning the homeless guy on my stoop

said my skin looked dope.

What's going on?

Why do you all have matching bags?

We're doing a diet together.
My wife found it.

She heard about it
at Mommy And Me Graphic Design.



Wait, it might've been Toddler Karate.

She takes our little
ladies to so many classes,

I can't keep it straight.

Childhood is truly a time of wonder.

This diet is very scientific, sir.

All the meals are pre-planned
and delivered to your doorstep.

This is our breakfast:

An orange wedge, three cashew nuts...
and a solitarie grape.

It's actually more than you realize.

Sometimes I can't even finish
all the grape.

This seems unnecessary to me.
You're all in perfect shape.

You can always be healthier, sir.

And I like the challenge.

Plus, it's good team building.



We're gonna get through this together.

Hey, guys, pro tip.

Lick the baggie.
There's food molecules in there.

Oh.
Oh, that's so smart.

Sync & corrections by Alice
web dl sync snarry

What are you doing here?
Isn't it your day off?

Yeah, stalker.
It is my day off.

But I am here to meet Charles.

Did you hear what he did last night?

Drink it, Jake.
Drink it.

What's up your tiny sleeve?

Oh!

Why is there a bow tie in here?

Wait a minute.

Jake Peralta, will you be my best man?

Yes. Yes!
A thousand times, yes!

Wow.
Best man.

So are you gonna set up shop
in a strip club?

What kind of shop would I set up?

Hand sanitizer.
I would sell hand sanitizer.

And no.

I was hoping
that my best-man duties

would be all whiskey and cigars,

but this is Charles we're talking about.

So we've got two straight days
of wedding planning,

plus, he gave me this to prep.

Fancy Brudgom!

It means "fancy groom" in Danish.

According to Charles,

the Danes throw the most
beautiful weddings in the world

and the most violent funerals.

This does not look like
something you'd be into.

Normally, yes.

But I am now Charles's forlover...

"best man," Danish.

So it is my duty to support him,

no matter what weird, crazy,
Charles-y ideas he has.

Let's do this.

There he is!
My groom!

Hello, my big,
beautiful B.M.!

"Best man."
Just "best man" is fine.

I hope you're rested.

We're gonna be on our feet all day.

I am totally prepared.
I even bought some nurse shoes.

I love them!

Let me grab this!
Let me grab this!

- Let me grab this!
- Grab me!

First stop, kagesmagning!
Cake tasting!

Wow.

You wanted to see me, sir?

I understand you stopped

by the patrol officers' morning briefing.

Yeah.

Officer Deetmore helped me out
with my crime scene,

so I gave him a little
thank-you present.

Hey, Deetmore.

If you're gonna bag evidence
like a five-year-old,

you should have the proper tools.

It's a "My First Police Kit."

The walkie-talkie
blows bubbles.

Hope you can handle it.

He mislabeled the weapon, like an idiot.

And it almost got filed
with the wrong case.

He could've blown months of work!

You humiliated Officer Deetmore
in front of his peers.

He submitted an official
complaint against you.

Did he fill it out in crayon?

No.

But he did use a green pen,
which seems crazy to me.

The good news is, if you go
down there and apologize,

he'll let the whole thing go.

Fine. I'm great
at apologizing.

I'm a very sweet person.

Out of my way, Chunk.

Ooh!

Jake, I got to tell ya,
the engaged life is amazing,

- especially sexually.
- Well, I don't want to pry.

- You're not prying. I want you to know this.
- No.

Vivian and I have a wonderful
intercourse itinerary

- that we have planned.
- Ha!

I'm usually more of a chocolate guy,

but this one's closer,
so I'm gonna do that.

Oh!
Hot, hot!

Spicy cake!
Why?

That's habanero pepper frosting,

because our marriage is going to...

♪ Sizzle ♪

Unless you think it's a bad idea.

No.

Sounds like a great idea, Oprah.

Two... One.

Okay, be kind.

I don't have a model's body like you.

Come on, show me what you got.

Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly.

Liberace, Diane keaton.

Roger that.

God.

Charles, Charles.
You're not Scottish.

Yeah, get back in there, Braveheart.

Summer linen suit...

casual but classic.

Actually not bad.

One question...
can you see my underwear?

Thong!
Why are you wearing a thong?

It's my something borrowed.

Get back in there.

Yes!

Lunchtime.
Wait's over.

- That was easy.
- Totally.

I feel like we just had our snack

an hour and 17 minutes ago.

I never got into diets...

Though I did take diet pills in the '70s.

I love these pills.
They give me so much energy.

And I can eat whatever I want.

Oh, God!

He's dead!

Actually, I was in a coma.

When I woke up, I had so much mail.

Weight-loss science
has come a long way since then.

"Ingredients... carrot."
Got to respect that.

Damn, Gina!

What is that?

Oh, it's a sloppy Jessica.

Mac 'n' cheese, chili, pizza on a bun.

It's everything I've wanted to eat

for the last 48 hours.

What happened?

I thought you were gonna
"last forever, bitches!"

Turns out I gave up easy.

You hear that, bitches?

I gave up so easy!

Thank you!

Hey, are you sure it's a good idea

to eat all this shawarma
right before your tux fitting?

Oh, yeah.

I'm not gonna be one
of those grooms who doesn't eat.

Hey.

Thanks for being so supportive all day.

Best man...
whatever you need, I will do.

Actually, there is one thing.

Do you have a pen I could borrow
to sign these forms?

You bet I don't have a pen.
I never do.

But I will get you one.

What is it, some sort
of marriage license thingy?

Oh, no, it's my retirement paperwork.

- What? Shut up. What?
- Yeah.

Vivian got a job in suburban Ottawa.

She wants me to retire from
the NYPD and go with her.

Retire?

Boyle, we're supposed to
die on the force together...

me in a big explosion,

and you committing suicide
at my funeral out of respect.

I know.

But Vivian needs to make
this move for her career,

and I'm excited to go.

I mean, suburban Ottawa's great.

It has everything Brooklyn does.

- Really?
- Yes...

Other than my job
and my friends and my family,

you, interesting people,
museums, restaurants,

every other reason that I have to live.

Okay, I'm kind of picking up
on a couple of clues

that you maybe don't want
to retire in Canada.

Oh, my God.

Jake, you're such an amazing detective.

I don't want to go.

Okay, Boyle, let's strategize

on how you're gonna tell Vivian

that you don't want to move to Canada.

No, Jake, I'm not gonna say anything.

Just drop it.

We have the perfect relationship.

We've never fought.

I don't want to mess up and ruin it.

She's my everything.

- Move your testicles to the left.
- 10-4.

She's your fiancee.

You can't be scared to talk to her.

Testicles to the right...

You know, can we actually cool it
on the testicles for a minute?

No, I'm on the testicle part.

Honestly, Jake, I wouldn't
even know how to bring it up.

What if it goes badly?

It won't.
Just tell her how you feel.

Say something like, "Vivian, I love you,

but we need to talk
about Ottawa."

Right. And then she'll say,
"you're a selfish man-pig,

and I hope you die alone,
and I never loved you."

Oh, God.
She never loved me.

She's not gonna say any of that

because she's not criminally insane.

Okay, just calm down.

We'll think of something together.

We're going to the stationery store next.

We can write a bunch of stuff down.

It's gonna be all right.
Take a deep breath.

No deep breaths.

Makes the testicles clap.

Detective Diaz.

How's your apology
to officer Deetmore coming?

I've been working on a letter to send him.

Yes, I saw a draft of it on your desk.

What did you think?

It was so horrifying,
I had to destroy the whole pad.

Just go downstairs and apologize.

Fine.
I'll say, "I'm sorry."

No, be sincere, like this...

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

Good.
That's the one.

Still working on that afternoon almond?

I've been sucking on it so long,
it's smooth.

- It's like sea glass.
- You do you.

I'll get that for you, Ames.

Oops!

Butter feet...
sorry about that.

Sorry? You bumbling
son of a bitch!

You just ruined my life!

I hope you get hit by a truck

and a dog takes a dump on your face!

Nothing to see here...

just a little hypoglycemic rage.

Move along.

I'm so sorry, Hitchcock.
That's not me.

I'm never like that.

That's okay.
It was my fault.

I shouldn't have bumped your cashew.

Cashew?
It was an almond, you idiot!

I hope you drown in a tub!

I hope you have aneurysm
after aneurysm after aneurysm!

Okay, buddy.

We have got some great opening lines here,

three very reasonable explanations

as to why you don't want to go to Canada,

and four very attractive options
for your invitation card stock.

Well, I like
" Romantic Opening 'C.'"

this page about how my life is New York,

and I love the Chantilly Ecru
paper for place cards.

That is an excellent choice.

Those are all excellent choices.

You can do this.

You're a smart and wonderful man.

With fantastic handwriting.

Sure, with fantastic handwriting.

You really think so?

Yeah, I think that you could be
a professional calligrapher.

Charles, a professional calligrapher.

You can do anything,

including, but not limited to,
talking to Vivian.

Right.
Right. Right.

Look, I know it's gonna be hard.

And she might even get mad at you.

But I promise you will be back
to doing weird sex stuff

together in no time.

All right.

All right, I'm gonna go talk to Vivi.

Great idea, buddy!

- Yep!
- Yeah!

So who's gonna pay for the paper?

It's gonna be $250.

Her name is Amy Santiago.

Lick, lick, lick.

It's an ice cream cone.

You can't tempt me, traitor,

not when I got this big,
juicy cantaloupe wedge

to keep me company.

It's so thin I can see through it.

Santiago!

Come hold this so it looks
bigger in your tiny hand.

Aw, Amy left the building 20 minutes ago.

That doesn't make sense.

Santiago loves cantaloupe time.

We wrote a song about it.

♪ Cantaloupe ♪

♪ Cantaloupe ♪

It's just nonsense without
her singing the high parts.

Where is she?

Amy, where are you?
It's cantaloupe time!

Santiago!
Stop!

It's not too late.

I failed, Sarge.

This is my second burger.

Okay, I lied.
It's my fourth!

You both betrayed me.
That's okay.

I can do this all on my own,
I don't need you!

I can even sing the high parts!

♪ cantaloupe ♪

♪ yes, I can ♪

♪ cantaloupe ♪

♪ yes, I can ♪

Traitors!

Officer Deetmore...

I came down here to say I'm sorry.

Oh, good.
Go ahead.

No, that was it. I did it.
I said, "I'm sorry."

Hey, I said it again.

Now I got one in the bank,

so I can do whatever I want to you.

What are you even sorry for?

Come on, man.

I said the words.
I paused afterwards.

I even averted my gaze
to make you feel like the Alpha.

Yeah, but you didn't mean it.

I'd like you to apologize like you mean it.

Fine.

I'm sorry you screwed up my case.

I'm sorry you're a terrible cop.

I'm sorry for your goat face
and your rodent brain

and your weird goose body.

I meant all of that.

Hope you feel better.

Hey!

So? How'd it go
with Vivian last night?

Great.
It went so great.

I went to her apartment.
I sat down face-to-face.

Then I panicked and totally bailed.

Oh, no.

But the good news is,
she's on her way here,

- and you're gonna talk to her for me.
- Oh, no.

Just tell her I absolutely shouldn't retire

and move to Canada,
but don't tell her I think that.

- Hi!
- Hi, Vivian!

Mwah!

Hi, Jake!

Vivian!

Jake, you're so sweet!

Charles told me you insisted
that I come to breakfast.

Because of it being such an important one.

Meal, I mean.

You know that in ancient Egypt,

the peasants drank beer for breakfast?

Well, that explains why all
their buildings were crooked.

Charles, can I see you
in the bathroom for a second?

I've got a mole on my back
that needs a looking-at,

and Charles has eyes.

I do.

All right, so let's see that mole.

What? Get off of me!
That was a fake excuse.

Of course.
Totally.

Look, I can't talk to Vivian
for you. This is crazy.

I tried talking to
her, just like we practiced.

But every time I bring up Ottawa,

she says how excited
she is about our future.

Then we made love.

Don't say "made love."

Fine, we had wonder-sex.

I don't want to know what that is.

I don't want to move to Canada.

But I can't lose her.

You're my best man.
Please help me.

Fine. I'll try.

Okay, but bring it up naturally,

so she doesn't think I put you up to it.

Sure.
How hard could that be?

I'm constantly talking
about suburban Ottawa.

Wait, don't go!
I still have to pee.

Why would I stay for that?

Is it cool if I just stare
at your croissants

for a little while?

Sarge!

You need to stop this diet.

Amy and I folded.
You won.

It's not a competition.
We were on the same team,

until you deserted me for team eating food!

Was that a good burn?
I'm too hungry to tell.

It was a great burn, sir.
Now please eat. You look weak.

I'm fine.

I am stronger than ever!

Watch this.

Sarge, what are you...
what are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no.
No!

Wow.

See? I'm fine!

What is happening?

Just a tummy gurgle.
Diet messed up my system.

Oh, no.

Go back inside!

Are you talking to us or the fart?

So, Vivian, do you ever go watch hockey?

No, I'm not one for sports.

Of course you're not.

My graduate student told me the
craziest story about her family.

That's hilarious!

Hey, can you pass me
the maple syrup, please?

Speaking of, where does the best
maple syrup come from again?

Vermont.

Oh, and Canada.

Canada?
Hey, that reminds me.

Weren't the two of you talking
about maybe moving there?

Oh, yeah, we are so excited

to start this new chapter
of our lives together.

Yeah. Well, although
I have to say,

as someone who's read many of the
older chapters in Charles's life,

I wonder if that's the best thing for him.

That's so sweet of you to care, but...

Chuck is excited about moving
to Canada, right, baby?

Mouth full.
I love you.

But what about his job
and all of his friends

and his Brooklyn-based
pizza blog?

Do they even have pizza in Canada?

Yes, it's puffier, and it's sweet.

It's called Manitoba Sauce Cake.

Okay, there's no way Charles wants that.

Jake, I think you're overstepping here.

Charles and I both want to move to Canada.

Is that true, Charles?
Is that what you want?

Yeah.

I want to retire from the force
and move to Ottawa with Vivian.

And frankly, I have no idea
why you're getting involved.

And no one asked for your stupid opinion.

Vivi...

We're leaving.

What?

Detective Diaz...

I gather that, once again,
things did not go well

with Officer Deetmore.

All due respect, sir,
it's how I was trained.

You mess up, you get made fun of.

It's like scientist zapping a rat

when it messes up in a maze.

Oh, I get it.

When I was a young officer, I
was that rat and got zapped.

And all I wanted was to be captain

and throw some lightning bolts.

Emperor Palpatine.

I do not know who that is.

But a real leader doesn't zap
people when they mess up.

They teach them how to fix the problem.

I think you're a leader.

So act like one.

I'll try.
I'm sorry.

Please, Diaz.
No need to make a scene.

- I can't believe he's moving to Canada.
- I know.

And I tried to help him, and he
fully threw me under the bus.

So I quit as best man.

- Jake.
- What?

I did everything right.

I was loyal. I put up
with all his dumb ideas,

his spicy cake, his champagne
made out of olives,

reading his vows as a recipe.

"One teaspoon eternal love,

a dash of peeing
with the door open."

Okay.
That's hard to hear.

Yeah.

I just don't understand
why he's being so weird.

I can't believe he would
turn on me like this.

He's not being himself.

Maybe because he's facing
a terrible decision

and he doesn't know what to do.

Yeah, that sounds right.

I think he needs his farm lover.

It's pronounced "for-lohver."

I don't have time to teach you Danish.

I gotta go help Charles!

I'll find out where he is and text you.

That would be helpful!

- Charles, get in the car.
- No!

Go to heck!

Don't siren me.

You quit on me as best man,
I'm not talking to you.

Police.
Stop walking.

I hate that I'm so by the book.

Listen, Boyle,

you're not handing in
those retirement papers

without telling Vivian how you feel.

I won't let you.

Oh, really?
And how are you gonna stop me?

Baton to the knee.

Baton to the knee?

Oh!

Hey, Deetmore.

I'm sorry for making fun of you
in front of everybody...

And also for making fun of you
behind your back.

Didn't know you did that,
but thank you for the apology.

I'm not done.

Also, I'm sorry for making fun
of you during my book club.

Those people don't even know you.

That was uncool.

Also, I'm sorry...

it's okay.
I get it.

No.

Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the time

to show you how to fix your mistake.

Come on, we can go over it upstairs.

Thanks.
That'd be great.

Oh, one more sorry.

You're about to see a drawing
I did of you in the elevator.

Just remember I was really
pissed at you at the time.

I'm unquitting as your best man.

Oh, how kind of you.

Are you also taking me
to the knee hospital?

Your knee is fine.

Besides, you had it coming

for throwing me under the bus like that.

I'm sorry.
I was terrible to you.

It's just I don't know what to do.

I know, it's tough.

But I'm here to support you

and not just in your weird,
awful wedding decisions.

"Awful"?

Oh. Did I just plan
the worst wedding in history?

Second worst.
Red Wedding, Game Of Thrones.

And, no, your wedding
is gonna be incredible

because it's exactly what you want.

What you don't want is to go to Canada.

So I don't care how many buses
you throw me under,

I'm making you talk to Vivian.

Okay, thanks.
You're right.

And you know what?
I'm ready.

No, I'm not!
I'm running away!

Boyle, no!

I'm not ready! I'm not ready!
I'm not ready!

Hey, superstar.

Why the long fart?
Oh, I meant "face."

Why the long face?

Keep walking, Linetti.

Okay, but this shake is really good.

Listen. Shh, shh.

Listen.

That's it!
I give up.

Why do you care so much about this diet?

Just stop.
You're in perfect shape.

Amen!

I'm not doing it for me.

My wife is on a diet.

She's a little self-conscious
about her body

since giving birth to twins.

It's crazy!

I think she looks perfect, and
I tell her that all the time.

And I love that you do that, Terry.

She's running around
after those girls all day,

and I'm not there to help out.

This was one thing
I thought I could do with her.

But I'm too weak.

Just hand me that milkshake.

Okay.

Hey, what are you doing?
What...

Thank you.

We are still a team,

and we will keep you from eating
so you can support your wife.

Thank you, team.

However, just to be clear,
Gina and I are still gonna eat.

I'm eating right now,
Terry... corndog.

Come on.
There we go.

You got this, all right?

Hello, Vivian. Charles has
something he'd like to say.

In case he tries to flee.

Vivian...

We need to talk about Ottawa.

___

Jake.

Oh.

Hey.

How'd it go?
Everything okay?

Vivian and I talked for hours.

There's a lot more to discuss,
but it's a start.

And you were right.
She didn't dump me.

You did good.
I know you were scared.

Hey...

Your duties as best man aren't over yet.

What?
Whiskey and cigars!

Thanks for being the best best man.

To the fancy brudgom!

Spicy!
Why is that spicy?

Not a doctor. Shh.

Sync & corrections by Alice
web dl sync snarry