Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Tagger - full transcript

ah, captain.
you're at my desk.

just what i wanna see
first thing in the morning.

you're three minutes late,
peralta.

not my fault.
i had a plumbing problem.

[musical ringtone]

[groans]

which reminds me,
i'm gonna need

a new
departmentally issued phone.

oh, come on, really?
i'm a few minutes late,

so you're gonna call me out
in front of everyone?

good idea.
everyone?



gather round, so i can call out
peralta in front of you.

okay, fine.
i was three minutes late.

i'm sorry for doing
one thing wrong.

oh, it's more than one thing.
uh-oh.

let's start
with the kristov murder.

it was
an amazing solve.

i got him to confess
in 20 minutes.

you also mislabeled
the evidence,

so that confession
is worthless

if the sergeant
hadn't caught your mistake.

here are three cases
with sloppy paperwork.

here are two pictures.

one is your locker.

the other is a garbage dump
in the philippines.



can you tell
which is which?

that one's the dump?
they're both your locker.

gah, i should've guessed that.
he's good.

this folder is labeled
"undies, dirty."

so i won't confuse it
with "undies, clean."

also, who cares
about all these rules?

i have more felony arrests
than any other detective here.

you also have more mice
living in your desk

than any other detective.

[gasps] algernon.
[all aw]

you guys,
algernon's back.

get rid of the mouse,
and get your act together now.

he's grumpy.

[upbeat music]

♪

okay, detectives,
let's get started.

santiago, where are we
with the jay street drug bust?

there are 12 keys of coke
unaccounted for,

but we just got a warrant to
search the dealer's apartment.

good.
take boyle and diaz.

dream team.

peralta, brief us
on the vandalism case.

well, there's no easy way
to put this, sarge,

but someone has been painting
wieners on squad cars.

and apparently,
they won't stop

until there's a penis drawn
on every cop car in brooklyn.

oh, that's what
he's been drawing.

but what are those little
round things at the bottom?

that's the butt.

the butt?

i assume you have a plan
to catch this gentleman.

did you just
say "genital-man"?

because if so, kudos,
and yes, i have a plan.

i'm gonna plant
a decoy squad car as bait.

meanwhile, i'll be waiting
in an undercover vehicle here.

he's already tagged
three u/c vehicles.

he can clearly spot 'em.
you should take my minivan.

a minivan?
a-ha!

[laughter]

you all got a problem
with my minivan?

'cause my wife
doesn't like it either.

she wanted an suv,
but those things roll, man.

they roll!

that's a good idea, sergeant.
we'll take the van.

we?
you're coming with me?

sir, with all due respect,
i don't need backup.

it's not backup.
it's babysitting.

babysitting.
a-ha!

[indistinct chatter]

oh, look at this.

the drug dealer
got a b.a. in art history

from brooklyn college.

interesting, huh?

how's that interesting?

well, it's surprising
because you would think

he had studied...drugs.

i studied
art history too.

also not interesting.
excuse me.

i know i'm just
a lowly civilian administrator,

but i couldn't
help overhearing

you're looking
for some missing drugs?

as it turns out,
my friend here, carlene,

is a psychic,
and she's ready to help you.

i do palms, tarot,

and i have a degree
in numerology from the internet.

ugh.
really, gina?

a psychic?
what? she's the real deal.

e.g., last week,
she predicted

i would have
a sensuous encounter

with a guy named mark.

and i did.

[rock music]

is anyone here
named mark?

you're good.

okay, she's had visions
which, frankly,

science cannot account for.

also, she can get you
amazing deals

on ladies' footwear.

she's assistant manager
at leonard's designer shoes.

vision.
the drugs are in a location.

i see the color blue...
she sees blue.

and yellow.

and i see the letter
"l," "r," "s," "t," "w," "e,"

and "b."

so basically, everyone's
first eight guesses in hangman?

thank you, carlene.

your entire life
is garbage.

so holt's coming
on my stakeout now?

i made a mixtape with
some very explicit rap on it,

and now i can't sing along.
you made a mixtape?

yes, i still listen
to cassettes.

this guy is all over me.

i mean, a captain
on a minor vandalism case?

it's insane.

what's insane
is how you refuse

to get with the program.

there is a new sheriff
in town, jake.

well, i like
the old sheriff.

i mean, mcgintley wouldn't care
about a messy desk

or all these stupid rules.

(all)
tase, tase, tase, tase, tase--
hey!

what the hell's
going on here?

science experiment.

i wanna see what happens
if i taser this cantaloupe.

okay.

(all)
tase, tase, tase, tase, tase--

ah!

[all oh]

yeah!
[cheers and applause]

and mcgintley wouldn't care
if i was three minutes late

'cause he was always
an hour late and hungover,

and he would let you do
literally anything you want

if you gave him
a hamburger.

did he let you play
your mixtape?

okay.
that's very funny.

get an ipod, man.

mixtape.

i just want
to apologize

for my fellow
detective's behavior.

okay, my granny
also had the gift.

i feel
that i will die soon.

she was right.
she died two years later.

your sincere belief in my gift
means a great deal.

vision.

the woman you love,
the one you work with,

the scary one
with the black hair...

rosa.
yes?

she doesn't
love you back.

she will never
love you back.

say "thank you," charles.

she just told you
your future.

thank you.

you left without me.
you were late again.

well, i had to put on
my undercover minivan disguise.

say hello
to harvey norgenbloom,

cpa, recently divorced
father of two

with a dark sexual secret.

what's your cover?
angry captain.

okay, so you do not like
my ensemble.

i'm just concerned
that you may find it hard

to pursue a criminal on foot
while wearing man sandals.

but the sandals
define harvey.

he's a sandals guy.

[sighs]

captain, why the babysitting?
why are you micromanaging me?

you think i wanna be
sitting here with you

instead of running
my precinct?

yes.
it was a rhetorical question.

i've spent
the last 12 years

fighting
for my first command,

and i'm not gonna
let you screw it up

because you refuse
to take your job seriously.

hey, i do take
my job seriously.

i put away bad guys.
that's what matters.

well, so does doing
your paperwork,

showing up on time,
wearing proper footwear.

that's on harvey.
that's not me.

well, so here's
the deal.

you're gonna have
a superior officer

babysitting you
on every one of your cases.

and when you show me
that you can do your job--

every part of your job--
perfectly,

then i'll back off.

okay.
counteroffer.

i give you 50 bucks, and you
let me do whatever i want.

fine.
we'll do it your way.

from this point on,
i'll do

every part
of the job perfectly,

perfecter than perfectly.

it's "more perfectly."
you said that imperfectly.

i was testing you.
you did perfectly.

quick update
on the tagger situation--

he is currently spray-painting
our van right now.

police, freeze!

ow, ow, ow.

sandal down.

lost a sandal.
nypd, freeze!

i'm here.

you're busted.

already got him.
we got him.

oh, hey, captain.

hi, so i was able to procure
that $50 after all,

and my offer
still stands.

let me do whatever i want,
and the $40--

that's how much
i actually have--is yours.

no? fair enough.
i only had 30 anyway.

well, i guess
in order to get you

to stop micromanaging me,
i'm gonna have to get back

to the most important piece
of police work there is:

writing a perfect report.

good, i'm anxious
to read it.

and i'm anxious to restore
my status as a lone wolf.

[howls]

anything else, detective?

yeah, i'm gonna do
one more.

[howls]

lone wolf.

he's digging me.

[clicks tongue]

hey, sarge, do you know
where we keep the glitter?

just wanna make sure
this report for the captain

is extra sparkly.

what are you doing,
peralta?

look, if i have to do things
his way,

i'm gonna do them
my way.

[laughs]
okay, man.

it was nice working with you.
[laughs]

i'm not scared of him,
okay?

i'm not scared
of anyone.

oh, also, the tagger drew
a penis on your minivan.

i'm sorry.
please don't chase after me.

what?
there's a penis on my minivan?

high ceilings,
three bedrooms.

why does every perp
have a nicer place than i do?

you know what they don't
teach you at the academy?

it's better to be
a criminal.

oh, no.
the cabinets are blue.

tacky.
not a deal breaker, though.

i'd just repaint it.

the psychic predicted
the drugs

would be found
in something blue.

[slow motion]
i see the color blue.

she also made this really
depressing prediction

about my life.

[slow motion]
she will never love you back.

and if she's right
about where we find the drugs,

that means she's right
about the other thing.

uh-huh.
kitchen.

whoa.
jackpot.

there's way more
than 12 keys in here.

where was it?

baseboard,
behind the hamper.

what color
was the hamper?

green.
yes.

the clothes hamper
was green.

the clothes hamper was green!

drinks on me.

[laughs]
you're weird.

[engine starts]

sorry this is
taking so long.

still writing up
my report.

pretty detailed.

hey, gina, can you look up
what the humidity was

about an hour ago and also
what moon cycle we're in?

no, sorry.
don't feel like it, no.

thanks, gina.

and now to you.
what's your name?

my name is
banana fartman, md.

i don't believe you.

come on, man.
just tell me who you are.

i need to fill
this thing out perfectly,

so my boss
will get off my back.

are you a minor?
how old are you?

i'm 610.
i'm a highlander.

okay, you know what?
i'm gonna put that in there.

and then you're gonna be tried
as an adult highlander.

and they're gonna cut
your head off.

is that what you want?

i hate to be the bearer
of bad news,

but your psychic
friend's predictions

about the drug case
were wrong,

which means all
of her predictions are wrong.

mm-mm. no way.
she's never wrong.

we found the cocaine
behind a green hamper.

never said green
or the letter "h."

mm-hmm, she said
"blue" and "yellow," charles.

i don't know if there's
any kindergarteners present,

but those two colors combined
make green.

she also mentioned
the letters "l" and "b,"

and another name
for a hamper is...

lady bin?

laundry basket.

oh, little boo-boo.

can you go be depressed
over there?

you're bumming out
my whole area.

baby, i've got
some bad news.

someone painted a giant penis
on our minivan.

no, you cannot have
an suv now.

those things roll, baby.
they roll!

hey, look at this.

your prints were
on file.

nice to meet you,
trevor podolski.

oh, podolski, just like deputy
police commissioner podolski.

your father is deputy
police commissioner podolski.

i'm not sure
how things work here,

but does that mean
that your career is in my hands?

okay, you know what?

20.2 kilos.

i feel like
we could round up to 21.

or we could round down
to 20,

take the extra 0.2,
sell it to our friends.

[giggles]

i'll call the d.a.
rosa, you log this in.

charles, maybe watch gina.

[laughs]

so what are
you doing tonight?

nothing.
what about you...

are doing tonight?

nothing.

carlene.

whelp, i hope you find
something to do.

[chuckles]

i'm gonna pee.
that's what i'm doing tonight.

no.

[sighs]

deputy commissioner's son,
huh?
[sighs]

his decision to target cop cars
makes a lot more sense now.

we gotta let him walk,
right?

he defaced
nine police vehicles,

and you caught him
red-handed.

why would you let him walk?
[chuckles]

captain, i did all the work
on this perfectly.

i mean, my report
has over 25 pages

of meticulous research,
diagrams, and maps.

i even put an "about the author"
section on the back.

i did everything
you asked me to do,

but this is
above my pay grade.

you gotta make the call.

you're the arresting officer.
it's your call.

i told you to do
every part of your job,

and making this call
is part of your job.

yeah, but you think
i should process him.
mm-hmm.

well, if i do,
the deputy commissioner

could ruin my career,
and i'll end up on the streets

selling my beautiful body
for a can of beans.

mm-hmm.

has anyone ever told you
you look exactly like a statue?

yes.

man, you were totally right
about the cocaine,

and you were also right
about rosa.

who's rosa?
the woman i--

the woman who doesn't
love him back.

oh.
yes, that woman.

you know, it can be a burden
to always know

what's gonna happen
in the future.

don't get out
of the chair.

i just had a vision
of you leaving this chair

and getting
seriously injured.

oh, my god.

i should probably wheel you
back to your desk.

that is a great idea.
wheel you off a bridge.

[laughs]
i'm kidding.

♪ oh, you're alone

♪ uh-oh, you're alone
for life ♪

so here are my options.

one, i process
podolski's kid,

he fires me, and i spend
the rest of my career

as a detective, third grade,
which is literally pathetic.

no offense, hitchcock.
none taken.

option two,
i let him walk,

and i spend the rest
of my life with holt

as my babysitter.

honestly, when i think about
spending the rest of my life

with a babysitter,

she's kind of a cute blonde
named erica,

and she always has
pizza money

and lets me stay up as late
as i want.

how old are you
in this scenario?

anyway, the point is
holt cares more

about whether i
"do my job right"

than whether i have a job
at all.

so i'm taking suggestions.

i say piss off holt,

so we get to watch your career
end right in front of us.

okay, thank you
for that, santiago.

i'm gonna put you down
for "don't arrest,"

and i'm also going
to put your phone number

on every urinal
in rikers.

don't arrest him.
just smack him. hard.

with a phone book
on a body part

no one can see,
you know what i'm saying?

so you're suggesting
police brutality?

ha, ha, i guess so, yeah.
why?

hey, scully.
yeah?

you want this collar?
paperwork's all done,

and it's perfect.
the podolski kid?

are you kidding?
i just gave him my lunch.

okay.
boyle, what do you think?

i don't know, man.
i'm lost.

the universe is
a cruel and vexing puzzle.

i-i'm at the whim
of the cosmos.

all right, i'm gonna put
you down for "bummer,"

and you can hang out in
that category all by yourself.

hey, everyone.

hey, jake, there is a very sexy,
angry official here,

deputy commissioner podolski.

he's asking for you.
very angry.

elderly, sexy, furious.

well, my career
is over.

see you at the bottom,
hitchcock. no offense.

no, none taken.

deputy commissioner.

where's my son?

he is at my desk,

enjoying a nice glass
of bubbly water

and some chocolate i was saving
for a special occasion.

hey, peralta,
when you're done,

can you help me wrap up
this massive cocaine bust

i just pulled off?
thanks.

oh, deputy commissioner,
didn't see you there.

sorry for interrupting.

amy santiago.

[sighs]

trevor, what'd you do
this time?

nothing.

there you have it.
he said he did nothing.

so i caught him red-handed
doing nothing?

i'm saying maybe
it's a possibility

you made a mistake.

you know, normally,
i would agree with you,

but i've been
pretty detail-oriented

the last few hours.

you might not
understand this,

but trevor is
a special kid.

he makes straight "a"s.
he's going to duke next year.

lacrosse scholarship.
oh.

sometimes, boys
just need to be boys.

you do realize
he did thousands of dollars

worth of property damage,
though,

to police vehicles.

look, i think
we can all agree

that i'm ordering you
to let this slide

because nothing happened.

this is officially
out of your hands.

would you actually mind
just checking out my report?

it's pretty thorough,

and i spent over an hour
on fonts.

kinda snazzy, so...

oh, thank you.

i'll get right to it.

thanks.
trevor, let's go.

have a good one.

choo.

yes.

what's up with the chair?

um, carlene predicted
if i get out of this chair,

i'd get badly hurt,
so i'm not chancing it.

oh, man.
there's no pudding cups left.

ah!
what'd you do that for?

there.
now you're hurt in this chair.

you can get hurt anywhere,
boyle.

and if you do,
it won't be

because some shoe salesman
predicted it.

you make
your own destiny.

well, we don't have to worry
about podolski's son anymore.

the case is officially
out of my hands.

no charges filed.

why is there yogurt
on this?

the deputy commissioner
threw my report

in terry's trash can,

and he'd been eating
yogurt earlier.

terry loves yogurt.

something wrong?
kinda, yeah.

i called six precincts
about this kid.

he's been brought in
a dozen times.

theft, vandalism,
drunken disorderly,

but he's never
been processed.

his daddy comes in
and bails him out every time.

he's a lucky little jerk.

no, i wouldn't say
he was lucky.

i feel bad for this kid.

i mean,
what kind of father

cares so little
for his son

that he lets him get away
with everything?

well, he's someone else's
problem now.

like you said,
it's out of your hands.

all right, i see
what you're trying to do,

but it's not gonna work.

i'm not going to arrest him.
i'm going to arrest him!

you want backup?

yes.

[siren wails]

what is this?
you can't do this.

get that thing
outta here.

excuse me, sir.

trevor podolski,
you're under arrest

for vandalism
and destruction of property.

what--dad!
what are you doing?

i told you
to back off, peralta.

first off,
the name's santiago,

detective amy santiago.

second, i'm arresting
your son,

which, as i say it aloud,
seems like an unwise choice,

but it's the one
i'm making.

once again,
my name is amy santiago.

you're being stupid, peralta.
don't be stupid.

i can make
your life miserable.

commissioner, please don't talk
to my detective in that tone.

if you have a complaint,
you can take it up with me.

you just made yourself
a very powerful enemy, holt.

i'm gonna be watching you,
both of you, like a hawk.

you're gonna have to try
a little harder

if you wanna scare me.

i've been an openly gay cop
since 1987,

so you're not the first
superior officer to threaten me.

you know
how i'm still standing here?

'cause i do my job,

and i do it right.

damn, son!

don't say "son."
sorry.

deputy commissioner,
if you wanna pick trevor up,

he'll be
at the nine-nine.

let's go, fartman.

carlene was wrong, gina.

rosa said it herself--
i'm in charge of my own destiny.

that means she wants me
to make a move.

mm, but carlene
was also right.

you did get hurt
'cause rosa punched you.

and the fact that rosa
punched you

means she does not
like you.

no, no, she punched me
to prove carlene wrong.

move.

oh, wait,
i take it back.

she definitely is
into you.

so much chemistry.
i know, it's crazy.

all right, let's get
this meeting started.

i'm not late.
i'm here.

[alarm beeping]

right on time.

you're out of uniform,
peralta.

baby steps, captain.

baby steps.

fremulon.

not a doctor.
shh!