Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Apartment - full transcript

So, again, your alibi is
a mysterious stranger

Handed you the gun,
made you put your prints on it,

Robbed the store,
and then hid the gun

In your underpants.

Well, yeah, if you say it
like that,

It don't sound believable.

Oh, hey, captain.

Did you get my report
on the finley murder?

Yeah, I looked it over.
Nice work.

Good. Thanks, dad.

Why is everyone
staring at me?



You just called
captain holt "dad."

What? No, I didn't.
I said, "thanks, man."

Do you see me as
a father figure, peralta?

No. If anything, I see you

As a "bother" figure,

'cause you're always
bothering me.

Hey, show your father
some respect.

I didn't call him dad.

No, no, no, no, jacob.

I take it as a compliment.

I called vivian "mom" once,
and she's my fiancee.

Guys, jump on that!

Boyle has
psycho-sexual issues.

(amy)
old news.



But you calling holt "daddy"--

Hey, "daddy" is not
on the table here.

But you did call him
"dad," dude.

All right, all right,
I was lying about the holdup.

But the dad thing,
that happened.

Aha!

He admitted that his alibi
was a lie.

It was a trap, all part
of my crazy, devious plan.

I believe you.
Thank you.

Son.

Do you want to talk
about it later

Over a game of catch?

I'd like that.

[upbeat music]

♪

(holt)
thank you for coming in
on your day off.

I know you'd all rather be
at home,

Binge watching media content.

Oh! I just started
the second season

Of media content.

No spoilers.

But these evaluations
are important.

Sir, I think I speak
for all of us...

All: She doesn't.

When I say that we can't wait

For you to sit
in judgment of us.

Oh, these will be
self-evaluations, santiago.

Why...Se.

Very wise, sir.

Nice save.

Also, please stay
out of the way

Of the weekend squad.

They are on duty,
and the bullpen is theirs.

I hate the weekend squad.

Detective lohank
shaves at my desk

And gets hair
all over my computer.

My "r" key
is jammed with stubble.

Well, that explains
the email you sent

About the "guesome mude."

Dismissed.

I'm pumped for these
evaluations, sir.

I can't wait to hear what you
have to say about my squad.

I think they've had
a great year.

I feel like
a proud mama hen

Whose baby chicks
have learned to fly.

Interesting analogy,
sergeant.

Chickens are famously bad
at flying.

(jake)
yo.

(terry)
peralta asked to be first,

Which shows how seriously
he's begun taking his job.

Nope, I just want to get
this over with.

So I have 72 arrests,

An 80% clearance rate,

But most importantly,

I wore a tie sometimes.

Now, I have a question
for you:

Is there any way
I can borrow $430,000?

Why on earth do you need
that much money?

I need to buy my apartment.

I've been living
at my nana's place

Since she passed away
'cause it's rent-controlled,

But now the building's
going co-op,

So I have to buy it.

I need to secure a loan
by the end of the day.

Uh, so should we do
a wire transfer,

Or do you think cash
is easier?

Let's just do cash.

Shouldn't you be asking
somebody else

For that kind of money?

Like a bank?

Yeah, I tried that.

[laughing hysterically]

Jake, I cannot believe

You're gonna lose
nana's apartment.

We grew up together.
We used to hang out there

Every day after school.

That's right, because there was
no one to look after us,

Because our moms
both worked, and...

[sighs heavily]
we didn't have fathers

Peralta, I will not give you
a cool half mil

Because you had
a slightly sad childhood.

Go solve
your housing crisis.

Nana made me the intelligent,
sensuous woman I am today.

Weird way to describe
a grandma's influence on you.

I'm sorry, gina.

I don't know
that we can spare you.

Um, these are her notes
so far.

"empanadas, atlantic city,
birth control."

No, that's my travel journal.

I haven't started
on the notes yet.

You may go with peralta.

Both: Thank you.

I want to take vivian
somewhere romantic tonight.

How about this?

Graziolo's,

For the porco digestivo meal.

It's a culinary tour
of a pig's digestive track.

Pig bung gelato for two,
anyone?

(rosa)
uh-oh, heads up.

Weekend crew.

[shady music]

♪

(charles)
I feel sad for you.

I love my desk buddy.

Sometimes detective kearns
and I leave presents

For each other.

Well, lohank's
a stubble monkey.

I hate him
and his face garbage.

Why don't you just tell him
to stop shaving at his desk?

He denies even doing it.
I don't know why.

Next time I catch him shaving,

I'm gonna punch him
so hard in the mouth

He bites his own heart.

Could that be why
he denies doing it?

Oh, yeah, you could be right.
Yeah.

(gina)
oh, wow.

It is always so crazy
coming back here.

Remember when nana got cable?

We watched house party 2
so many times.

It was a pajama-jamma-jam.
We had no choice.

Our hands were tied.
I gotta say,

I'm psyched to be hanging
like this, old-school stylez.

"stylez" with a "z".

Oh, I could tell.
[laughs]

Okay, well, maybe we can
figure out a way for you

To afford this place.

Hup, hup, before we get
all financial,

Can I interest you
in an ice-cold foh-dy?

A'ight.

So talk to me, goose.
How we lookin'?

Sexy, but not like
we're trying too hard.

Like, sure, we're trying,

But it's almost effortless.

Yeah, no,
I knew all of that.

I meant the money thing.

Oh. My first impression

Is that you have a debilitating
spending problem.

Jake, you have
six massage chairs.

Well, they don't make
a massage couch.

Okay, but you also have
three turntables.

Ooh, yeah!
I'm learning how to spin.

Check it out.

[scatting]

[chaotic klezmer
music playing]

All I have are my grandma's
old klezmer records,

And I still haven't
quite figured out

How to sync up the beats,
but it's not bad, right?

It sounds like joy behar
falling down some stairs.

[music stops]
okay, you also purchased

Olympus has fallen
on demand 12 times.

Was it a difficult movie
for you to follow?

No, just watched it a lot.

How much do I have to cut back
in order to keep this place?

Infinity percent.

Technically speaking,
you're bankrupt, kiddo.

That sounds bad.

I only said "kiddo"
to soften the blow, kiddo.

This is so unfair.

And then all of the sudden,
they decide they're going co-op

With zero warning?

It seems illegal

They didn't tell you
this was happening.

Well, it's possible
I missed a letter,

But I doubt it.

Ooh, let's check
the mail tub.

Mail tub?

Nope. No.

No.

See? It's impossible
to find anything in here.

It's not my fault.

This is actually
a cool little bathroom.

Nice claw-foot tub.

Which I will never throw
my mail into again.

Unless...

I didn't want to do this,
but I do know one way

We could get the money.

You'd make
a decent prostitute.

I'd make an amazing prostitute.

But I was actually talking
about this guy I know, frank.

He's kinda skeevy, but he will
loan money to anybody.

So he's a loan shark.

Maybe you're not
thinking this through.

Says the woman who's been
engaged eight times.

Uh, but never married once.

Game, set, match--linetti.

Well, it's the only choice
I have.

So let's go.

(terry)
sir, I know we got off
to a weird start,

So to get things
back on track,

I'd like to bring in
santiago next.

She's had a great year.

You wanted
to see me, sirs?

I was reading
the sergeant's lips

Through the window,
and he either said,

"bring in santiago next,"

Or something
about a san diego nest.

Are you ready
for your self-evaluation?

I am.

I understand from a lip-reading
session last week

That you intend to ask us
each ten questions.

But for you, I have
just one question.

What is your biggest...

Flaw?

My biggest flaw?

Working too hard?

Being too thorough?

Caring too much?

Got it.

Something entirely different.

Rosa, look!

Lohank is shaving
right now.

[shady music]

[razor buzzing]

♪

[slow-motion whoosh]

Both, in slow-motion: Noooo!

Boyle, call an ambulance.

I'm gonna do
some stuff to him.

Or we give him a taste
of his own medicine.

We fill his locker
with shaving cream

And loose hair.

I like it.

I cannot believe
I am considering

A non-violent option.

And I know just where to get
a bundle of loose hair.

(gina)
how much interest
do you charge?

Look, I'm not a bank.

It's my own personal money.

So I take a larger vig.

20 points.

A "vig." so cool.

Well, I don't need much.

Just, like, $430,000.

Nah, too much.

I make small loans
to desperate losers.

And friends, like you.

Well, I'm happy
this went terribly.

Uh, we do have to go now,
so please excuse us.

Wait, I just need enough
to show the co-op board

I can make a down payment
at the bank.

How about $20,000?

Two bags of ziti?

That I can do.

[gasps]
"bags of ziti?"

Come on, gina,
how awesome is that?

Get on board.

Come on, gina.
Get on board.

Jake, he is a sea witch
in disguise.

Do not sing into his shell.

I have no idea what you're
talking about right now.

Oh, little mermaid.

What have you done?

[shady music]

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Nothing gets you smiling
like cold-blooded vengeance.

[laughs]

And now,
the piece de resistance.

Emilio's giant bag of hair.

[chuckles]

Oh, this is disgusting.

It's perfect.
[squeals]

Ugh.
Ugh.

[giggles]
ooh, check--check this out.

I'm tom selleck.
Park my chopper on the beach.

[laughing]

I'm a billy goat.
[bleats]

[bleats loudly, snorts]

Oh!
[coughing]

Oh, I think I swallowed
a bunch of stranger hair.

Ugh!

(jake)
hey.

Mr. Henders,
the king of the lobby.

Jake, the co-op board meeting
was an hour ago.

I know.
I am so sorry.

It's just I've been pretty busy
with police work, you know,

With my police friends,

Helping out non-police folk
such as yourself,

Keeping you safe police.

We appreciate your service.

Look, I know there's been
a lot of misconceptions

About my financial situation,

But I am ready to put that
to rest right now.

Boom goes the dynamite.
Oh, my god.

That's $20,000 right there,

And I intend to use it
as a down payment on a mortgage.

Where did you get this money?

Just had it lying around.

You've been
an adequate tenant.

Adequate.
But we needed
a completed application

With a bank loan by today.

With all due respect, sir,
that's not fair.

I mean, I didn't even know
that the building

Was going co-op
until last week.

I got one letter.

We left you 15 voicemails
as well.

Ah, voicemails.
Well, that explains it.

My generation mostly texts.

I'm only 33, so--

We're in the same generation.
I'm 31.

31?
Mm-hmm.

But I call you "mister."

And you wear a suit, and...

That.

Did you just point
at my bald spot?

No.
Look.

We're putting the apartment
on the market.

We need to get it ready
for brokers to show.

We need you out
by next Friday.

Ohhh, next Friday's
a little tough for me.

Is there any way
we could move it

To the Sunday after
eight years from next Friday?

Based on your judge-y eyes,

I am going to take back
my dynamite.

Un-boom.

You got a full head--
head of hair.

Nope.
Okay.

[groans]

Aw, that bad?

I'm gonna be homeless.

A homeless cop.

It's like a made-for-tv movie

That I will not be able
to watch

Because I won't have
a television

Because I'll be homeless.

Chin up, lil' pup.

First of all, you could
watch it on your phone.

Second, this isn't the only
apartment in the city.

We'll find you a new one.

You're right.

You're right.
This could be good.

I mean, maybe we'll find
a great place.

Atta girl.
In a cooler neighborhood.

That's right, girl.

Maybe I'll even have
a cute neighbor.

Get it, girl.

You gotta stop
calling me girl.

Sorry, girl.

(amy)
okay, sirs.

I know why you weren't happy
with my self-evaluation.

You didn't want me
to say a flaw

That was actually positive,

Like how the sergeant
always says it's bad

That he works out too much.

Whoa. Why the drive-by?

Sorry.

But that's not right,

Because you value honesty
and humility above all else.

So what's your biggest flaw?

My biggest flaw.

I'm too competitive,
prone to jealousy,

"bit of a killjoy,

"follow rules to a fault,

And every now and then,
I smoke a cigarette."

Is that what
you're looking for?

Because I can keep going.

I am deeply flawed.

Santiago--
oh, no.

"santiago" in "b" flat.

You're disappointed.

Okay, well,

I'm going to go
to a secret location

And make sure that nobody
is smoking there.

I'll be right back.

(gina)
is this a pre-war?

Ah, very good eye.

And you should know
it's also pet-friendly.

Really?
Do they allow cats?

I can't tell if you're
being sarcastic.

How would you even
get a bed in here?

Oh, murphy bed.

Voila.

Nope.

This is kinda cool.

High ceilings,
so many windows.

Gina, the toilet is

In the middle
of the living room.

I think it's sexy.

[gasps]

Aah!

(rosa)
so when's this going down?

Well, normally, lohank hits
the locker room

When he goes to the gym,

So let's see when he plans
on working out.

So, lohank,
I was reading an article

About the benefits
of exercise--

You going to the gym today?

Not today. Been spending
all my breaks on the phone

With my wife, nancy.

We've been having
marital problems.

Right, 'cause of your hygiene?

What? No, I wish.

No, about a year ago,
she fell down the stairs

And broke her back.

Now she's addicted
to painkillers.

We've been fighting a lot.
Mm.

'cause I want to help her,
you know?

I guess I just love her
so much.

But she's refusing treatment.

Ohhh.

We got into it again
last night.

I went out
for some fresh air,

But I forgot
to close the door,

And our dog cinnamon
got out.

Oh, no.

Cinnamon got hit
by a drunk driver.

I wish I could say

She was put out of her misery
instantly,

But the vet assured us
that her suffering

Was unending and terrible.

Just venting a little.
I-I appreciate--

Of course.

Anything for a good friend
like you.

Charles, can I see you
for a minute?

Yep.

My first question is,

Why are the two of you doing
this self-evaluation together?

Scully doesn't handle
pressure well.

[sighs shakily]
um...

Um...
Not to brag,

But scully and I have
a combined total

Of 14 arrests.

Would've been 20,
but we only got 14.

That's not enough arrests.

Well, no one asked you.

It's a self-evaluation.

Come on, scully.

I'm trying to hurry,

But when you grab the hair,
it breaks apart.

The key is you use your hands
like scoopers.

Just go--

I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation for this, sir.

Uh, we accidentally dropped
all our loose hair

And shaving cream
in this locker,

So we're cleaning it out.

Hasn't detective lohank
been through enough?

He just got diagnosed
with prostate cancer.

Course he did.

Clean this up. Now.

Yes, sir.

What's wrong with you guys?

I've lost control
of my squad.

(gina)
should we turn some lights on?

Trying to save
electricity, gina.

Your massage chair is on.

Yeah, I'm poor.
I'm not a savage.

Man, what am I gonna do?

Well, what if I bought
the apartment?

[scoffs]
what are you talking about?

And then I could rent it
to you till you find

A new place.

How could you afford
this place?

Have you been
dealing drugs?

No, I'm thrifty.

I cut my own hair.
I walk to work.

I eat scully's lunch
every day.

I've rented the same
crap box since I was 20

'cause it's so cheap.

I've saved up money,

And I'm looking for
a real estate opportunity.

Ew. A real estate
opportunity?

Are you being serious?

We were drinking 40's
this morning.

I'm saying I could
give you a fair rent

Because I would be
your landlady.

Whoa, whoa,
you be my landlady?

You're gina.

Your lifelong dream

Is to be on wife swap.

You call gum "the dentist."

You think ray j
is a national treasure.

Yeah, so what?
I'm eclectic.

You're not better
than me, okay?

And I'm glad
that I still own this place

Because I can happily
invite you to leave.

[laughs]
grow up, jake.

[imitating gina]
"grow up, jake."

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, thanks for your help.

Old-school styles.

I take back the "z"!

[sighs]

Whoa, you okay?

Yep.

Just checking out
my new bedroom.

Oh, good.

It feels like scoliosis

And smells like
10 million butts.

I take it your apartment thing
didn't work out.

When did everyone decide
to become an adult?

I mean, I know you were born
in your fifties,

But come on.

Thanks?

Get this.

Gina just offered
to buy nana's apartment

As a real estate opportunity

And become my "landlady."

Jake--
I know.

She was just trying
to help,

But we've known each other
since we were kids,

You know?

Which an ice cream cone
could do, by the way.

And now I find out she's been
saving all these years?

Jake--
I know.

The person that I'm
really mad at is myself

For screwing
this whole thing up.

I gotta talk to gina.
Thanks for your help, amy.

Didn't say anything,
don't want credit

Yeah, that's smart,
given my track record.

Hey, wait.

What would you say holt
thinks my biggest flaw is?

Who care what holt thinks?

What's most important

Is what I think
your biggest flaw is.

And there are so many
to choose from--

Too competitive,
prone to jealousy,

Bit of a killjoy,

Your shame cigarettes.

Oh, my god.
But your biggest flaw is...

You suck at throwing away
your secret lists.

Although I'm pretty sure
I caught some form of face lice

From that bag of hair.

Being a cop is dangerous.

Yeah, it was fun.
Hey, you wanna grab a drink?

Oh, shoot, I would,
but I'm meeting vivian

For that romantic
pig colon dinner.

[sighs]
hey, rosa.

I want to apologize.

I haven't been much fun
to hang out with

Over the last year or so

On account of all
the asking you out

And staring at you
from point-blank range.

Yeah, you were a real weirdo.
Mm-hmm.

But you're pretty cool

Now that you're in love
with someone else.

Have a nice dinner.

Oh, we will.

They make a sorbet
out of the tail.

See ya.

Excuse me, captain.

What are you doing, sergeant?

I'm going to yell at you,

And I don't want santiago
to read my lips.

Excuse me?

You were completely unfair

To my squad today.

Santiago is one

Of your best detectives.

And all you wanted to do was
play mind games with her.

Scully and hitchcock
only arrested 14 people,

But that's 8 more
than last year.

They only arrested
6 people last year?

And I know peralta
can be childish,

But he leads the precinct
in collars,

And he's grown up a heck
of a lot since you got here.

Okay, sit down, sergeant.

I'm going to do
your evaluation now.

Sergeant jeffords,

You're right.

I have been hard
on the squad.

And just the fact
that you're willing

To stand up for them
is one of the reasons

They respect you so much.

I could learn something
from you.

You have every right
to feel like, um,

Um, what was it
you said this morning?

Proud mama hen, sir.

A proud...

Mama hen.

[knock at door]

What do you want, jake?

I'm watching oprah's
legends ball,

Which is what I do
every time a close friend

Hurts my feelings.

I came here to apologize.

Look, I was mad at you

For being more together than me,
and that's not fair.

I felt stupid,
so I acted out.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you were stupid,

And you should be sorry, jake.

But watching oprah
have brunch

With her strong woman friends

Has taught me that
it's okay to forgive.

Great.

Also, you should buy
nana's place.

Not for me.

You should live there.

You love that apartment,
and you said so yourself.

It's a great investment.

Where are you gonna live?

Here.

I'll sublet from you.

I actually ran the numbers.

I'd keep paying
the same amount of rent,

And you would turn
a small profit.

It's a starter apartment,
and it's my fault

For starting when I'm 33.

[laughs]

You have a deal.
All right.

Shake, shake.

Yes!

[knock at door]

Hello, detective.

Is there a reason

You're interrupting me
mid-soup?

Yes.

I'm ready for my
self-evaluation.

So I asked peralta

What you thought
my biggest flaw was,

And he said, "who cares
what holt thinks?"

That's not surprising.

He's very disrespectful.

My biggest flaw
is that I care too much

What you think of me.

I should be more confident
in my own judgment,

And I am so sure of that,

I don't even care
if you think I'm right.

Evaluation over.

Enjoy your soup.

[slurps]

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.