Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Operation: Broken Feather - full transcript

(jake)
we've busted murderers,
we've taken down cartels.

But today we face the worst
new york has to offer--

The fire department.

Fire marshal boone,
we meet again.

Detective peralta,
your fly's down.

I made you look.
I didn't look.

And I'm wearing shorts,
there is no fly.

That's not
what your mom said.

You make no sense.

And now I'm inside your head.

Prepare to die.



Blue 52. Hut.

[grunts]

[all grunting]

Yeah!

[all cheering]

♪ nothing's gonna
ever keep you down ♪

♪ you're the best around

[all grunting]

[cheers and applause]

Ah, ah, ah.

You don't have
to dance every time.

True, but I choose
to dance every time.

[laughs]

[both grunt]
whoo!



You have one play.

You give the ball to jeffords,

And he runs it in.

I-I'd like to see
you score one.

Good, 'cause you're
about to see it.

You're about to see it
straight to hell.

Hut, hut.

♪ you're the best

Now, terry.

♪ nothing's gonna
ever keep you down ♪

Yeah!

I did it.
I did it alone.

I'm the king of the world!
Whoo!

[upbeat music]

♪

♪ cream in my coffee
and rock and roll ♪

Peralta.

Ah, captain holt.

You look very...Sad?

Do you have a murder suspect
to question?

He is in the interrogation room
as we speak,

Sitting and,
I assume, stewing.

I put on a song
that I think

Sums up his situation nicely.

[sonny & cher's
I got you babe]

♪ I got you, babe

Because, you see--

You got him, babe.

I understood the wordplay, yes.

Oh. I've been chasing this guy
for three months.

I've got him dead to rights.

Fingerprints, witnesses,
it's in the bag.

So I'm just gonna grab
a healthy breakfast--

Are those gummy bears
wrapped in a fruit roll-up?

Breakfast burrito, but yeah.

I pity your dentist.

Ah, joke's on you.
I don't have a dentist.

Jake, jake.

Uh-oh, this can't be good.

Major crimes division
just called.

They're taking over
your murder case.

The vulture is
on his way here now.

No! Doesn't that guy

Get tired
of stealing our cases?

He took one from me and rosa
last week.

Nypd. Stop!

Ugh. You made us run up
ten flights of stairs.

It's over.

Thanks, guys.
I got it from here.

Don't worry, we can stall him
until you get the confession.

We rehearsed this, you guys.
This isn't a drill.

Everyone know
their assignments?

All right, hands in.

Commence operation:
Broken feather.

And go!

Okay, gus,

I don't have a lot of time.

I need your full,
signed confession.

We have four minutes.
We can do this.

But I'm not guilty.
Listen to me, gus.

We can do this, son.

Yo, is this a police station
or a toilet?

'cause all I see is turds.
[chuckles]

Oh, detective pembroke.

[slow-motion grunt]

Oh, no.

I spilled coffee on you
by accident.

Lucky for you,
this wipes off quickly.

This coat's made
out of whale skin.

The vulture still flies.
The vulture still flies.

Hey, pembroke.

What do you say we go talk
about a case in the break room?

Oh, yeah?
What case is that?

The case of how you got
so damn sexy.

God owed me a favor.

Case solved.

I told you,
I didn't know the guy.

You're lying.
We have pictures of you two.

Come on, we only
have three minutes.

It's like you're not even
trying to confess!

The vulture is coming.

We need more time.

Someone do something.

I got it.
Tear gas.

[overlapping shouting]

Scully, scully,

Wrap my shirt
around your face.

[all coughing]

And out of the tear gas
rises the phoenix.

[laughs]

[grunts]
hey, peralta.

I got it from here.

[sighs]
all right, fine.

I'll just go then...

With this fully signed
confession.

We did it, gus!
Whoo!

Suck it, vulture.

I killed that guy
and his neighbor,

But you were too late.

Whoo!
Wait, you killed his neighbor?

Amy, check it out.

Nice, you got it framed?
Of course.

It commemorates our victory
over the vulture,

The greatest day
in human history.

Sorry the tear gas
made you look like

A demon dog at the end
of ghostbusters.

Brief me
on the hotel robberies.

Helpful hint to the scientists
that programmed you,

Most humans say "hello"

At the beginning
of a conversation.

Manager at the prentiss hotel
told us that

Someone's been breaking
into the rooms,

Stolen over $100,000
in jewelry.

We're heading over there now.

Keep me updated.
Another helpful hint--

Good-bye.
[whispers]
it's learning.

What?

Man, an hour of footage,
and we've got nothing.

I have to admit, I do love
a thorough vacuumer.

I'm a little o.C.D.

What? No, you're not.

Whoop.

I can leave it there.

Totally.
It doesn't bother me.

I know.

There it is.

(terry)
all right, let's get started.

So we have good news,
and we have bad news.

My nana always said,
"bad news first,

Because the good news
is probably a lie."

Fun fact,
she made me cry a lot.

Good news is,
the sting we set up

To catch deadbeats went great.

Name's bill voss,
just got this thing in the mail,

Said I won
a free bahamas cruise!

Congratulations, bill.

You have six outstanding
warrants for credit fraud.

Oh, man, can't it wait till
I get back from the bahamas?

I won a cruise.

You're not very bright,
are you, bill?

Now I know you'd all prefer
to go to a bar,

Drink beer, and eat chips
of various textures.

But our compstat numbers
are due tomorrow morning,

So I need these arrests
on the books today.

Darn it. I had
a belly dancing class.

Tonight was
egyptian undulation.

Oh, show us some moves.

Sure.
(holt)
dismissed.

First batch of arrest files
is done-zo washington.

There's only three files here.

It's been an hour.
Yeah, I know.

It has not been
a productive morning.

(gina)
for example, somebody

Used the toaster
in front of boyle.

No. No, no, no, no.
Tommy?

(gina)
and then boyle
spent 30 minutes

Lecturing him
on how to make a sandwich.

I'd describe
the work flow today

As dismal with a tiny,
little splash of pathetic.

[indistinct chatter]

Get me out of here, man.

(holt)
I'm worried.

The compstat numbers are due
tomorrow at 9:00 a.M.,

But at this rate,
we won't be finished

Until your daughters
are grown and married.

I may have a solution.

We need
to compstat the office.

What is compstat?

It's just using data

To identify problem spots
in the neighborhood.

Now, I have been taking notes

On points of friction
in this office for years.

The red areas are places
where no work gets done.

If we can fix these problems

Without anyone
knowing what we're doing,

We will finish on time.

Are you saying you want
to secretly perform

Scientific experiments
on your friends

And coworkers
to increase efficiency?

Yes.

Sounds fun, let's do it.

(jake)
hey, hand me some peanuts.
I'm snacky.

I have something I need
to talk to you about.

I might get a promotion
to major crimes.

They asked me to come in
and interview for a job.

What?

You're gonna go work
for the vulture?

Have you forgotten
how awful he is?

[grunts]

The vladimir putin collection?

Yeah, 70 bucks a pair.

And they only increase
in value.

[chomps teeth]

I guess that's your new
best friend now, santiago.

Emphasis on "iago,"
backstabber.

I'm surprised
you've read othello.

What the hell's othello?

I'm calling you the parrot
from aladdin.

I wouldn't be working
for the vulture.

I'd be working with him
in data analysis.

Oh, it's just
a lousy desk job?

Okay, never mind.
You're not gonna do that.

You love working cases
too much.

Here's the plan:
We're gonna catch this perp.

You're gonna remember how much
you love your job.

You're gonna
skip that interview.

And that's a peralta guarantee.

Your last peralta guarantee
was that

You could dunk a basketball.

I never said I couldn't
use a ladder.

Peralta guarantee achieved.

[grunts]

Aah!

The subtext of the guarantee
was that

You would be entertained,
and you were.

Let's go!

Okay, so I've already
taken care

Of a few obvious problems.

I moved the toaster
to the break room,

Far away from boyle.

Good.
What's this red area here,

The diaz triangle?

Right, so you know
about rosa's anger incidents.

It's my birthday.
I hate birthdays.

If you wish me
a happy birthday,

I will punch you.

You're a funny little bird,
diaz.

Happy birthday.
[grunts]

Any time mt. Diaz erupts,

Everyone on the squad
avoids her.

Mt. Diaz.
Humorous, yes.

Tell me,
what room is just

Down the hall from her desk?

The bathroom.

If people are afraid
to walk by diaz,

Bathroom breaks
would be to a minimum.

Hey, diaz,
I just need

To make sure I've got
the details right in this file.

Yeah, guy was
passing bad checks.

(terry)
but is this the same guy?

Yeah, the name here
is the same name on the checks.

Ca-caw!

Okay, all right,
thank you, thank you.
Ca-caw!

Got it.

Come on!

I'm so sick
of these sucky computers.

Aah!

One more step
and you're next.

[grunts]

[knock at door]
(jake)
nypd.

[speaking spanish]

Oh, boy.

Nypd, sir.

Have you seen
anything unusual today?

Oh, no.

This was nice, thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.

What is this music?

Oh, this is from my country:
Leirkrakeegovnia.

Do you like it?
I weirdly do.

(both)
♪ meil on fun ♪

♪ me teeme asju
mis on ponev ♪

♪ olemme sobrad kasu ♪

See, amy, fun thing
about working cases,

You meet people
from all over the world.

This song
is a celebration song

From when a dog
loses its virginity.

Who checks that?

I was having a smoke,
and I saw a bellboy

Take his jacket off
and throw it in the dumpster,

Then go back inside.

Well, that's unusual.

Yeah, that's why
I'm telling you.

Looks like we are going
dumpster diving.

Great.

♪ come with me, amy,
to the dumpster ♪

♪ me and amy going diving
in the dumpster ♪

I can't believe
you would ever

Consider leaving this job.

This is real police work,
and you love it.

Remember that time you had
to shove your hand

Down that woman's throat
to get her car keys?

Why do you even care
if I leave?

Because the vulture
is the worst.

That whole division
is the worst.

They steal cases.
It's the lowest of the low.

So if I transferred
somewhere else,

You wouldn't care at all?

No, of course not.

Do whatever you want,
you know, it's your life.

Aha!
The jacket.

This case is heating up.

Ooh, receipt in the pocket.

Dust it for prints.
And send a scan to boyle.

Yes. You're feeling it now.
Whoo!

The thief's name
is benjamin disanto.

Here's an old mug shot.

He's surprisingly photogenic.

A lot of criminals are,
strangely.

He doesn't work here.

Must have stolen
the bellhop uniform.

Receptionist
just spotted disanto

Entering the salieri ballroom.

What's going on in there?

An auction
of greek antiquities.

Ah, I believe it's
pronounced "antiques."

I'm sorry about my partner.
He's never been to a museum.

Have so.
Wax museums don't count.

Then why are they
called museums?

It's right there
in the name.

Oh, my god.
Come on.

It's going really well, sir.

We've gone from 10 cases
per hour to almost 20.

It's good,
but we can do better.

Tell me about
the boyle-linetti reaction.

(terry)
boyle gets cold a lot

Because of what
he calls his--

Medically diagnosed
thin skin.

So he goes
to the lost and found,

And he grabs something
that's usually unflattering.

That's when gina
gets involved.

[giggles]
sweet sweater, charles.

You look like you're starring
in an albanian remake

Of the cosby show.

Dr. Huxtable, dr. Huxtable.

Gina is completely useless

When boyle is wearing
lost-and-found clothes.

Well, I really can't blame her
on this one.

Maybe we should just, uh,
empty lost and found.

Already done, sir.

[indistinct chatter]

Good lord.
Where did he get that?

Oh, my god, we're doomed.
Boyle looks like a lesbian.

He must have gotten it

From the evidence locker
or something.

Don't worry.

I had a backup plan.

I distracted her
with a mirror.

She's like a cockatiel, sir--

Fascinated
by her own reflection.

Mm. Hello, sexy,
how are you?

Right back at ya.

Well done.

Good afternoon, sir,
I'm detective peralta.

This is detective
always-stays-loyal.

She's named after her father
alvin stays-loyal.

We're tracking a thief
that's stolen

Thousands of dollars
worth of jewelry.

We think he's scouting
auction winners,

We called for backup,
but we need to move now.

And we have to keep it quiet.

What can I do to help?

Well, there's too many people
in here.

I need a better vantage point.

Any way I can get up onstage
by the podium?

You'll blow our cover
if you go up there.

You don't exactly blend in.

Yeah.

Irwin, how would you
like to have the honor

Of being the first man
to undress

In front of amy santiago?
Okay.

Here we go.

Hello, everyone.

My name is roger strikewell,

And I will be your guest
auctioneer this evening.

So many faces to look at.

I won a radio contest,

And I'm so excited
to be here tonight

To sell you all of
these cool, old, greek things.

Our first item up for bid
is lot number 344.

It is this old "vase,"
"vahs" if you're nasty.

It was made
in the year...Five

And depicts
the classic greek fable:

Boy meets girl,
boy has goat legs.

And on the back,
just a whole bunch of wheat.

So let's start the bidding
at $10.

[overlapping chatter]

Okay, started it
way too low.

We've done it, sir.

If we stay on this pace,

I think we'll finish on time.

I think we should
keep going,

Make the office
even more efficient.

Sir, are you familiar
with the story of icarus?

He didn't know when to quit.

He flew too close
to the sun,

And his wax wings melted,
and he died.

Are you familiar
with the story of moneyball?

A man uses statistics
and logic

To win several baseball games.

It's my favorite film.

The statistical analysis...

[crying]
it's so beautiful.

This office is
becoming a powerhouse

Of paperwork processing.

I'm flying high, sergeant,

And I'm never coming down.

I have 85.
Do I have 90?

I have 90 from the man
with the face at table four.

This is terrible--you don't know
what you're doing.

Adam sandler?
Yeah, that's right.

I collect antiquities.
I'm a serious person.

I'm writing a movie right now
about the russian revolution.

Oh, really?
Who does kevin james play in it?

Ha, ha.
It's a serious movie.

Trotsky.
Ah, there it is.

But he's got a wife
who never wears a bra.

I think you're gonna like it.

Thanks for dressing up,
by the way.

(jake)
all right, back to this plate.

I think you could use it
for a variety of things.

New item up there.
How much you guys

Wanna pay for me
to stick my socks

In this moron's mouth?
I will.

Did football legend
joe theismann

Just bid $1,000 to put a sock
in my mouth?

You bet.
Okay, but let's get it going
a little higher.

Seriously,
back to the porno plate--

Uh, 1,200 bucks,
sock in the mouth?

Boom, okay, the idiot
gets the sock in the mouth.

I'd say 1,300
would be even better.

1,300!

Joe theismann
coming in strong.

I got 1,300.
25,000 from--

And a one and a two
and a...

Boom, sold to joey theismann!

Congratulations, you're getting
a sock in your mouth,

1,300 bucks, joe theismann.

Can I stick the sock
in his mouth?

I'll pay extra.

Yes, you may,
because I just

Sold my item to the man

In the gray shirt
at table 18.

(jake)
nypd. You're under arrest.

Heading your way.

[upbeat music]

[all gasping]

[grunts]
gotcha!

My leg! My leg!

You broke my other leg.
Uh--

Oh, this was supposed
to be a safe event.

Nothing to see here.

Except for the bone,

Sticking out of the leg.

Joe, I video'd it!

What a day, huh?

Met adam sandler,
broke joe theismann's leg,

And solved
an awesome case together.

Yeah, good day.

Hell yeah, it is.

Drinks are on me.

Jake, I'm still
doing the interview.

What?

No.
[scoffs]

Don't do that.

We still have
to process the perp.

You love processing--
it's your favorite thing,

After organizing your emails

And replacing
toilet paper rolls.

This job would be
a great opportunity for me.

Okay, whatever.
You know what?

You're being a bad partner.

You're joining forces
with the enemy.

And from now on, I'm gonna
call you "the cheetah."

They're scavengers,
just like vultures.

And I kinda wish
I hadn't said it,

'cause they're pretty cool.

Come on, jewel thief.

You're my only friend now.

Scully, what are you doing
at my desk?

And working?

What is going on today?

The captain put me here.

Says I waste time
when I sit next to hitchcock.

Okay, well, go work
in the break room.

Ah, a human greeting,
nicely done.

Updates on the case?

Well, you're gonna
love this one.

We busted the guy
for grand larceny.

And to celebrate,
santiago is taking

A job interview
at major crimes.

Can you believe that?

Yes, she told me yesterday.
What?

Why didn't you try
and talk her out of it?

She would literally
shave her head

If you asked her to.

Which, by the way,
is a great idea

For a prank, if you're
looking to prank her.

Santiago wants
to make captain one day.

I know, because
I've frequently caught her

Wearing my hat
and looking into a mirror.

Dismissed.

I support her decision.

That's what
good detectives do.

They have each other's back,
no matter what.

All right, let's move on

To your unpaid parking tickets.

Dude. Dude, fire.

Oh, my. Fire.

Uh, hey! Fire!
[gasps]

Oh, I-I got it, okay.

Here we go.
Here we go, boyle.

I got it.

What happened, scully?

I didn't know
there was a toaster there.

Why is the toaster there?

Uh-oh.
Aah!

My fringe!

My beautiful fringe!

Boyle's on fire!
[alarm sounding]

[overlapping shouting]

Icarus.

Extinguisher's empty,
morons.

Aah!
[panting]

Back to the drawing board.

Sir, I'm begging you,
please, we have to stop.

Boyle is still smoldering.

The problem is, we didn't
take peralta into account.

In our next trial--

[gina clears throat]

Hello, boys.
Welcome to your own office.

I hear you're trying to make
the precinct more efficient.

Gina, what are you doing
in the captain's chair?

Please, I'm open to any ideas
about efficiency.

I've narrowed the problem
down to one location:

The holt-jeffords vortex.

Things would go a lot faster
if the two of you

Did less experimenting
and more working.

And I'm not the only one
who thinks that.

You melted my fringe.

You think I have
an anger problem?

I don't.
You are both dead to me.

Well, I suppose
it's possible

We may have been
a tad enthusiastic

In our pursuit of efficiency--

Really?
A tad, icarus?

Fine, message received.

Jeffords and I will get
right to work.

Great, that will be all.
Thank you.

Get the hell
out of my chair.

All right, I pushed it
a little bit on that one.

Okay, bye.

Ah, santiago.

Before you go in there,
there's something I have to say.

I'm sorry I said
you were a bad partner.

I was the bad partner.

The truth is,
our job isn't always great.

I mean, sometimes it sucks.

But it sucks a little less

When I get to do it
with you.

So when you said
you were gonna leave,

I freaked out,
and that was dumb.

I should've been
more supportive.

You're a great detective,

And they'd be lucky
to have you.

In fact, if it helps,

I wrote you a letter
of recommendation,

Which is riddled with
spelling errors, I might add.

Including the word,
"recommendation,"

Which is just--I don't have
to tell you about that.

There's no way there's four "m"s
in that word, right?

I already turned down the job.

Seriously?

In the end, you were right.
I don't wanna sit at a desk.

And right now,
I like where I am.

Ah.

[chuckles] but thanks
for thinking I'm great.

No, I take back all
of the things I just said.

Uh-uh. You said
I was a good detective,

And you were nice.

This is my nightmare.
[chuckles]

Lookee, lookee.

I thought I saw your big,
white ass lumbering around.

As for you, santiago,
well, now you certainly

Showed your true colors,
didn't you?

And they're a shade of pink
called "loser."

All right, everybody
just calm down.

There's no reason
we can't be friends.

Here, I brought you
a peace offering.

Run!

Uh-oh.

Not a doctor.
Shh.