Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

- Happy Turkey Day.
- Yes! Right out of the gate.

What?
What's going on?

We're playing Boyle Bingo,
Thanksgiving edition.

Everyone filled out their cards with
possible Charles-related scenarios.

First to bingo
gets 100 bucks.

I had "Boyle calls it 'Turkey Day'"
on the center square.

"Boyle explains that they ate
lobsters at the first Thanksgiving."

They did. Back in that time,
they called lobsters "ocean bugs."

- And... I'll just mark it off for you.
- I think got the winning card here.

Boyle tells us that he played
Pocahontas in his third grade play.

All the girls were too big.



This is a fun one... "Boyle says,
'Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"

Well, now that I know
you want me to say that,

I'll just say it
with two gobbles.

Gobble, gobble...

Gobble. God, it just
sounds right that way.

Ugh. I don't like
this game.

Ha! "Boyle objects
to Boyle Bingo."

- Come on, guys.
- Boyle says, "Come on, guys."

That's two for Terry.

Well, guess what.
I can spoil your little game

by sitting over here quietly
all day and doing nothing.

- Oh!
- Aah!

Anybody have "Boyle falls
on the floor?"

- No one?
- That's a victory.



That's a victory for Boyle.
Boom!

Boyle says, "Boom!"

Check it out, chair jockeys.

While you were busy tickling the ivories
on your computers, I was doing a bust.

Cocaine!

Thanks, Lucius.

He ran, I pursued.

Whole thing turned into
an awesome car chase.

- Aah.
- NYPD!

Come on.
Move, move, move.

Hey there, criminal.
It's me, Johnny Law.

Well, at least
you're done early,

so you have time to go home and
change for my Thanksgiving dinner.

Ugh. Why do we have
to dress up for Thanksgiving.

I don't even
celebrate that stuff.

The whole holiday is
based on overeating.

We should be wearing
velvet track suits and diapers.

Jacket and tie.

Rosa's even wearing
her formal leather jacket.

It's the one without
any blood on it.

You're gonna dress up,
and you're gonna

give a toast about
what you're thankful for.

Start preparing.

Oh, I prefer not
to prepare for my toasts.

I just wing 'em
like scat jazz.

- Are we singing?
- No, no, no, no.

OK... That's nice.

You don't have to...

I'm not
dressing up for your party.

Damn it, Boyle.
You left the fridge open.

The door couldn't shut
because of your empty pizza box.

Pizza? Please. This is a butternut
squash and truffle butter flatbread.

Everything's spoiled.
My lunch is ruined.

My chicken, my potatoes,
my pasta, my meatballs,

ham, my yogurt.

- Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.
- I love yogurt.

So this is your lunch
for, like, the month?

I need to eat 10,000 calories a day
to maintain muscle mass.

My wife made me all of this before
she left town with the kids.

That was everything
in my fridge.

- Scully.
- Hey-a, Sarge.

I know you got a secret stash
of food hidden somewhere.

- Oh, no.
- Where is it?

- No, I don't.
- Is it in your pockets?

Oh, come on.

I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets.
Turn around.

Sarge. Sarge!

Go limp, Scully.

This is fun.

Release your sweets.

Can I help you,
Santiago?

Oh, Captain, didn't
expect to see you there.

In my office?

So, I just wanted
to make sure that

you knew about the Thanksgiving dinner
I'm hosting for the squad after work.

Yes, I received your "Save the date"
decorative gourd,

your ornamental cornucopia,

and this beautiful handcrafted card
of a turkey wearing a top hat.

- It's a pilgrim's hat.
- Where's the buckle, Santiago?

The buckle.

My husband's out of town for work,
so of course I will attend your dinner.

Cool. Whatever.

Yeah, don't worry about it,
either way.

It's not a big deal.

- Yes!
- Why so excited?

Did you make the cover of
"Hair Pulled Back" magazine?

The captain is coming
to my party.

I'm gonna give a toast, tell him how
thankful I am to have him in the precinct,

and officially ask him
to be my mentor.

Wait, are you only hosting dinner
because you wanna suck up to Holt?

Not cool. This was supposed
to be about friendship.

You said you were only coming to see if
my apartment was the reason I was single,

or if it was my personality,
like you suspected.

Yeah, but that was before I knew
I could get up on this high horse.

Love the view up here.

Clip clop, clip clop,
clip clop.

Same to you, Your Honor.

- Oh, what judge were you talking to?
- That was my mother.

You call your mom
"Your Honor"?

She's a federal judge
in the Ninth Circuit.

- What else would I call her?
- Yeah, okay.

Captain, paperwork is
all done on that drug bust.

- What else you got for me?
- Nothing. All open cases are assigned.

Come on, there's gotta be
something I can investigate.

No, there's nothing.

All right, well, when there's nothing,
there's nothing, you know? What can you...

Whoa!
Who did that?

Don't worry, sir. I will stay
here all night figuring this out.

I know what you're
up to here, Peralta.

Damn straight. I'm trying to catch
the mad paper scatterer.

You want an excuse to skip
Santiago's Thanksgiving dinner,

because for some reason,
you refuse

to celebrate this holiday
like a normal person.

Fine. You're right. I wanna do
what I do every year -

Sit at home, watch football,
and eat mayo nut spoonsies.

Those are spoonfuls of mayo,
sprinkled with peanuts.

That's revolting.

Maybe so, but it's what
I invented when I was six

because my mom was working,
so I had to make dinner for myself.

My sad story
trumps your insult.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

Thank you, Boyle.

If a case opens up,
it's yours.

But if not, you will be at Santiago's
as a professional courtesy. Dismissed.

From what?
I thought we were just chatting.

We never chat anymore.

Oh, my God, Amy, that's so cool that
you still live with your grandmother.

I live alone.
This is my stuff.

- I like quilts.
- Stop. Each sentence is getting sadder.

It looks like you live
on the set of Murder, She Wrote.

Well, I gotta say, it's not as bad
as I thought it would be.

I mean, the football game's not on,
so I can still watch it later at home.

And it's kind of cool to visit a time
before electricity was invented.

I have to practice my toast.

- God, how long is that?
- Eight pages.

- Single-spaced?
- Double-sided.

- Santiago style.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, excuse me.
Can we please eat?

My body is starting
to digest itself.

Terry needs nutrients.

No eating until
the captain gets here.

- Okay? Sorry.
- Don't apologize.

I'd rather spend Thanksgiving
at your house than with my sister.

"Things you find
a the beach."

- For "S", I had seagull.
- Good one, Diana!

- Ice cream break.
- Yay!

Yay.

It's so pleasant and boring.

But, Holt, at your house,
surrounded by these idiots?

Guaranteed train wreck.
Thanks for the invite.

He's here! Okay, he's here, everybody.
Be cool.

Hitchcock, why do you
have your shirt off?

Can't spill food on your shirt
if you're not wearing one.

What...

- Captain Holt.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

Your apartment was
very easy to locate.

Thank you so much.
You look beautiful.

Weirdest conversation ever.

Nice work, you two.

Before we eat,
I'd like everyone

to go around and say what
they're thankful for this year.

Fine, I'll go first.

I am thankful that Thanksgiving
only comes once a year.

People stuff themselves,
and then at midnight they

run to appliance stores
and trample each other to death.

It's a garbage holiday.

I'm sorry, I just get emotional when
I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is.

I'll just go.

- I actually prepared a little something.
- You did?

When I was a little girl,
playing cops and robbers...

Excuse me.

Please.
Continue, Santiago.

- Or I could wait.
- No waiting, just toasting.

I want you to toast.
Now I wanna eat toast.

- Give me some toast!
- OK, I'll be right there.

- I have to head back to the precinct.
- No. Why?

Someone stole $10,000
from the evidence lockup.

Yes!
Oh, awesome.

- Why is that awesome?
- It's a case.

You said I could
hop on any case that came up.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle.

Have fun, you guys.
Let's roll!

You'd think that one place money
would be safe is a police station.

I hear that.

Remember when Santiago
called you beautiful?

Yes, that was odd.

We need to get this money
back, the exact bills,

so the commissioner's office
won't make our lives hell.

What is this?

Uh, this is Terry dancing.

People do the weirdest stuff
in the evidence lockup

when they think
no one's watching.

Fast forward, fast forward,
fast forward.

- Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.
- Okay, so here's our money.

Fast forward.

Hold it,
hold it, go back.

There's our guy.
Got him.

Okay, we should start
by checking all the perps

that were released
from holding today.

- Good idea.
- And if it's none of them,

we may miss Santiago's
altogether.

Thanksgiving is dead!

Santiago, can we please,
please just eat?

What if captain Holt
and Jake are coming back?

Hang on.
I have a toast.

I am thankful to have someone
in my life

who gives me a reason
to get out of bed every morning.

And I hope that my relationship
with this person

will only grow more intimate.

Who are you talking about?

Um, Hitchcock.

OK, enough is enough.
I'm eatin'.

What's in these?

Potatoes, butter,
a little milk.

Oh, and I ran out of salt,
so I used baking soda.

Why wouldn't you?

They're both white powders.

Of course they're
interchangeable.

Yeah.

There were two men
released from holding today

that were the right height and weight
to be our thief on the security footage.

Even if it is one of them,
how will we know?

Easy. The guy on the footage
was left-handed.

We just give all of our suspects
some made-up form to sign,

and see which hand they use.

All right, amigo.

Punch it.

Good. Did that.
Now punch it.

Uh-huh. Safety first.
Punch it!

Okay, see, now I just feel like
you're messing with...

- Anyone want seconds?
- Can't. I'm so stuffed.

- Amy, the toilet's overflowing.
- What? Ew!

Scully, what did you do?

- And the night gets worse better.
- I didn't do it.

Although, I understand
why you suspect me.

Well, then who clogged it?

So none of you ate anything?

Terry, you said
you ate the whole turkey.

Toilet.

I ate one string bean.
It tasted like fish vomit.

- That was it for me.
- But I'm a good cook.

You all ate those brownies
I brought in last week.

- I thought they were erasers.
- Charles said he loved them.

I'm a textbook people-pleaser.
I have a serious problem.

This was great though.
You must be so proud.

Yeah, Thanksgiving's over.

Everybody go home. We're just...
We're done hanging out together.

I-I'm not done hanging out. Let's go
to the bar, they serve food there.

- That's a great idea.
- Oh, look at that.

"Boyle saves Thanksgiving."

- Does it really say that?
- No.

But it does say,
"Boyle believes obvious lie."

Damn it.

So what's our strategy here?

I'm thinking maybe we could
do the whole thing in character.

I'll play
detective Bart Barley...

Tightly wound, hates
violence against animals.

And you're my partner,
Gerald Jimes...

A man who solved every crime,
but one...

- The murder of his wife.
- Peralta, take this seriously.

I am. As seriously
as you're taking the search

for the man
who killed Jane Jimes.

Your only clue?
He wore a yellow sweater.

Eh?

You're considering it.
Let's get in there.

NYPD.

What's going on? I'm right
in the middle of carving turkey.

I'm vegetarian.
Eating meat is murder.

- I hate violence against animals.
- Bup, bup, bup, bup.

We overlooked our release form we were
supposed to have you sign. We apologize.

Yeah, he's really right-handed.
Let's go.

♪ Look out, bad guys

♪ it's Barley and Jimes

♪ Barley and Jimes
are on the case ♪

Please refrain
from make believe this time.

Fine.

Evening, ma'am. NYPD.
Barley and Jimes.

- We're looking for Donny Romano.
- Ugh. Come in.

Donny, what'd you do?
Cops are here.

Aww.

What do you guys want?

Sorry to bother you, sir,
my partner here

forgot about a form
we need you to sign.

What's happening, Donny?
What'd you do?

I didn't do anything.
It's not my fault.

- Same old story. It's never you, is it?
- What did Donny do?

I swear, ma, I don't know
what this is about.

- Why won't you ever believe me?
- 'Cause I raised a liar.

- You lie.
- Shut up, ma.

Hey, don't
talk to ma like that.

Don't you tell me
what to do, Louie!

Excuse me.

- Hey!
- Not the rolls!

George, do something.

Excuse me, if...

You know,
you're gonna get hurt.

- Get off now.
- Get off.

My wife was murdered by a man
in a yellow sweater!

It's the one case
I can't solve.

Don't fight with family.

It can all go away
so quickly.

Sign this?

That's a hell of a breakthrough,
Jimes. I'm proud of you.

Also, we just
caught our man.

- He signed with his right hand.
- That's right, he did.

But he didn't do it.

- He did.
- What?

Couldn't help but notice you throwing
those rolls with your left hand, boss.

Not mention, this hoodie matches
our security footage exactly.

You stole that money
when you came in to pick up

your brother from holding
today, didn't you?

- Damn it.
- Nice work, Peralta.

- So where's the money now?
- It's not here, all right?

I bet it all
on the football game.

- My bookie has it.
- Yes!

The case continues.

- This is not good.
- Right. Sorry, Jimes.

His father was murdered
by a bookie.

I know you miss him.

Our perp says the bookie operates
out of a hidden back room.

- Try to blend in.
- Good idea.

I'll just age myself 60 years,
become Chinese and female.

Here we go. Whoosh.

- Did it work?
- $10 to play.

- Oh, we're just looking around.
- $40 just to look around.

- All right, we'll play.
- $15 to play.

All right.

- Tommy, can we order some food?
- The cook's gone. I sent him home.

- Do you have any more of these pretzels?
- Sure.

- I'm gonna call the cook.
- Smart. Good call.

Hey, rough night?

Yeah, it certainly hasn't
gone according to plan.

Aw, no. Aw, Amy,

I was ordering a drink
called "A Rough Night."

It's tequila
with a nicotine patch.

Right.

How do I get Holt
to pay attention to me?

He sure spends a lot
of time on Peralta.

Maybe I should start
screwing up, like Jake does.

- I can act out too, you know?
- Please do.

Okay. Watch this.

Oops.

Out...
All of you.

- But the cook is coming back.
- Out!

Fine!

But I'm taking these olives.

Sorry.
Happy Turkey Day.

Ah.

I think I'm getting
the hang of this.

These tiles are either
game pieces or candy.

Game pieces. Here we go.

I think I just won.

The guy by the bathroom seems very
interested in the commotion you just made.

Yeah, and he's been waiting
for the toilet since we got here.

Ten-to-one that's not a bathroom,
and he's a lookout.

- Let's go.
- You got it.

Ahh, I'm gonna just cash out.

- There is nothing here.
- Don't worry, guys, I found food.

Are you eating
packing peanuts?

Okay, I do keep a secret stash
of food in the office.

I knew it!
Where?

Where?

- Sarge, am I too heavy?
- No. Where is it?

- There, the one with the water stain.
- There's a lot of food up there?

Yeah, it's a smorgasbord.

- I think the rats got to it.
- You think?

This is the greatest thing
that's ever happened.

Okay, it's over.

Thanksgiving time of death:
Now.

No, this will not
be our Thanksgiving.

All right,
you all wait here.

Give me an hour.
Terry, to the door.

I'm just gonna
put you down, man.

Yeah, totally. That makes sense.
That makes sense.

Hey, there.
Bathroom?

There's another one upstairs,
over there.

Aah. Oh!

Oh. Never mind.
Let's go.

- What, it's really a bathroom?
- No, no, no.

There's tons of illegal stuff
happening in there.

But they're watching the football
game and I DVR'd it.

- I don't wanna see the score.
- What?

Okay, fine.
We'll go get the stolen money.

NYPD. Freeze.

Change the channel
and then freeze.

Put it down!

Put it down,
put it down.

This is a weird request, but
will you switch places with me?

I really don't wanna
see the score.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.
That's so much better. Oh!

Why are there
so many TVs in here?

Thank you.

The money was still in the bookie's safe.
All the numbers match.

- Let's head back to Santiago's party.
- Ah, no thanks.

I think I'm gonna head home
and watch the football game,

which was ruined for me!

What's your problem
with celebrating Thanksgiving?

It's a sucky holiday.
It's always sucked.

My mom worked. My dad was gone.
And I sat at home, watching football.

Look, Jake.

I came from
a very formal family.

My parents were not
especially affectionate.

Really? "Your Honor"
wasn't a big snuggler?

But the beauty of being an adult
is that you can make a new family

with new traditions.

Well, that's nice, captain, but
I don't have a new family yet,

so I guess I'm stuck with
my awesome old traditions.

Okay. I'll tell the squad
you couldn't make it.

Thank you.

Before you go,
can I borrow some money?

I'm getting some pretty serious
vibes from Wendy over there,

and I'd like to take her
someplace special.

Hey. What are y'all
doing here?

Amy broke everything and
got us kicked out of the bar.

Then we got attacked by rats.
It's the best Thanksgiving ever.

Fascinating.

Happy Turkey Day.
Right through there, gentlemen.

Not a lot of places
are open,

so this will be a multiethnic,
nontraditional Thanksgiving.

It's a real culinary challenge.
Give me 15 minutes, and then we feast.

Make it five.

You eat with your eyes,
so the plating alone...

Five, Boyle!

- Captain?
- Hm?

I wanna tell you something.

I think you're...

Like, when I was
a little girl...

You think I'm like
when you were a little girl?

- Forget it. The moment's passed.
- Is this about your toast?

- How'd you get that?
- Gina gave it to me.

It's very well-written.

There are several compelling anecdotes.
The fonts suit the tone.

Good work.

I do feel, however, the word choice
could've been improved in spots.

I marked them "Awk"
for "Awkward."

That was the best thing
anyone's ever said to me.

"I marked them 'Awk'
for 'Awkward'?"

It's advice.
He's mentoring me.

Yes!

So this is kind of a play on your
typical Thanksgiving dinner.

For turkey, we have the Peking duck
with a veggie samosa stuffing.

The potatoes are the empanadas
with an Ethiopian lentil stew gravy.

And for dessert,
some seasonal gelatin cups.

Okay, I ran out of money.

They're from when Hitchcock
got his colonoscopy.

Bon appétit.

I'm here, I'm here.

Finally something
to actually be thankful for.

- What are you wearing?
- Santiago said to dress up, so...

Well, you look beautiful.

That's my thing now.
I'm just owning it.

Okay. Before we eat...

- Nope, not doing that again. Move.
- Could you pass the, uh...

You get that hand near me again,
you're gonna lose it.

Okey-doke, let's eat.

Hey, thanks for giving a copy
of my toast to Holt.

- That was nice of you.
- Oh, you're welcome.

I mean, you don't have to get
so freaked out around him.

You were just trying
to tell him you respect him.

Okay.

But, to be honest, I kinda
gave it to him as a prank,

'cause I thought it would be
super embarrassing for you.

But I'm happy it worked out.

But I would've been happy
if you hated it.

But I'm happy you didn't.

So, you pretty much got
the disaster night you were hoping for?

Yeah, till you made the best Thanksgiving
meal I've ever had and ruined it.

Excuse me! Uh, so, earlier at Amy's,
I didn't give a real toast because...

I didn't know what to say.

But, since that time,

a wise, unsmiling man
named Gerald Jimes

made me realize
what I am thankful for.

So, I'd just like to say
I'm happy to be here...

With my family.

My super-weird family,
with two black dads and...

Two Latina daughters
and two white sons and...

Gina, and...

I don't know what you are...
Some strange giant baby?

- To the Nine-Nine!
- To the Nine-Nine!

That was perfect.

Uh, Boyle cries!
I got Boyle Bingo!

- No...
- Yeah!