Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Detective Jake Peralta finds his work scrutinized when new Captain, Ray Holt, takes over at his precinct.

This job is eating me alive.

I can't breathe anymore.

I spent all these years
trying to be the good guy.
Ripped By mstoll

The man in the white hat.

I'm not becoming like them.

I am them.

Hey! What are
you doing, weirdo?

I'm doing the best speech
from Donnie Brasco.

Or, actually...

Ten of me are doing the best
speech from Donnie Brasco.

What's up?



Get it together, man.
Okay?

So, the store was hit
about two hours ago.

They took mostly
tablets, laptops,
and cameras.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Sorry.

I'd like a list of all
your employees who ever
had access to the store.

I'd also like to apologize
for my partner.

His parents didn't
give him enough attention.

Uh... Detective?

I already solved the case.

We're looking for three
white males, one of whom
has sleeve tats on both arms.

And how do you know that?

I had an informant
on the inside.



He's been here for years.

Watching, learning,
waiting...

His code name...

Fuzzy Cuddle Bear.

He's a nanny cam.

Ugh! You got lucky.

No, I got here
five minutes before you

and figured that in this
gigantic electronics store

there had to be at least
one working camera.

Oh! Hi, bad guys.

You did it, Fuzzy.
You busted 'em.

It's time to come home.

I'm not sure if I can.

I've been undercover
so long,

I've forgotten who I am.

I've seen
terrible things.

I haven't known
the touch of a woman
in many moons.

All right.

Detective Santiago?

Don't walk away from me!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

PERALTA:
Yes, I did crack the case.

So, Santiago,
would you do the honors?

(SIGHS)

(OFFICERS TALKING
INDISTINCTLY)

I hate this.
PERALTA: Oh, yeah.

I hate this.
PERALTA: And you're just
gonna wanna add one.

I'm winning!

(ALL CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

It's a good feeling.
It's a good feeling.
Yeah.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I will.

J.P., update on the
Morgenthau murder?

Yeah. Good news for
all you murder fans.

Earlier this morning,
someone decided
to shoot and kill

luxury food importer,
Henry Morgenthau.

Body was found by
the cleaning lady.

During her interview,
I deduced using expert
detective work,

that she had something
super gross on her chin.

(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

I think it was flan.

Charles thinks it was flan.
I think it was
butterscotch pudding.

Maybe it was just old
person gunk.

You know how old
people always have
that gunk on them?

Oldie gunk.
Could be. Yeah.
Anyone else?

How about we focus
on the murder,

and not the
old person gunk?

Crime techs are
at the scene now.

We're heading back
when they're done.

Okay.
I want you on this.

It's gonna be priority one
for the new CO.

Wait. Tell us about
the new captain.

Captain Holt will
be here soon.

He'll want to
introduce himself.

Dismissed.

Hey, Gina,
you know any scalpers?

I wanna ask Rosa
to go to the Rihanna
concert with me,

but it's sold out.

Okay, two points
to make here.

First, Rihanna?

You...
And then Rihanna.

Yeah.
What's your
second point?

She's got a type,

which is really
anyone but you.

Yeah, that was my
ex-wife's type, too.

Look, a Rihanna concert
is a pretty big swing, man.

I don't know.

She's into watching
old movies.

Cool!

Where would I find a place
that shows old movies?

Oh, yeah. Just go
on the Internet

and search
for the phrase,

"I want to buy
two movie tickets

"for a girl
who doesn't like me."

Great. Thank you.
Good.

Hey, have you heard
anything about the
new captain?

Uh, no, and I don't care.

I just wish Captain McGintley
never left.
He was the best.

He was terrible.

You just liked him
'cause he let you do
anything you wanted.

On your marks,
get set...

Go.

What the hell's goin' on
around here?

Fire extinguisher
roller chair derby.

Okay.

And go!

What's your point?

If I'm ever gonna
make captain,
I need a good mentor.

I need my rabbi.

Sorry, dude. But this new
guy's gonna be another
washed-up pencil pusher,

who's only
concerned with

(IN ROBOTIC VOICE)
Following every rule
in the Patrol Guide.

Meep morp zeep!

Robot captain engage.

Is that what you think?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Hey!

New captain alert.
(CHUCKLES)

You must be the new CO.

I'm Detective Jake Peralta.
Great to meet you.

No, don't let me
interrupt you.

You were describing
what kind of person
I'm gonna be.

I'd like you to finish.

It's not necessary.

Or I could recap
very quickly.
Sure. Um, let's see.

I think I said some
joke about

being a washed-up
pencil-pusher.

Now do the robot voice.

The robot voice you were
doing when you implied
I'm a rule-following robot.

I wanna hear it again.

(IN ROBOTIC VOICE)
Meep, morp, zarp.

Robot.

That's a terrible
robot voice.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yep.

The next time I see you,
I'd like you to be
wearing a necktie.

Oh, uh, actually,

the last captain
didn't care if we wore ties.

Well, your new captain does.

And more importantly,
he cares that you follow
his direct orders.

Everyone.

I'm your new
Commanding Officer,
Captain Ray Holt.

Speech!

That was my speech.

Short and sweet.

Sergeant Jeffords.
A word.

Yes, sir.

(SIGHS)

I love that guy.
Same.

He's so suave.

Does anyone get
a little bit of
a gay vibe?

No? Okay.

Sergeant, you were in
the One-Eight with me.

Though you
were significantly...

Fatter, sir. They called
me Terry Titties.

Because I had
large, uh...

Titties.
Yes. I remember.

I never liked
that nickname.

Though to be fair,
it was accurate.

What's this I hear
about you being on
administrative leave?

A year ago,
my wife and I had
twin baby girls, uh...

Cagney and Lacey.

They have adorable
chubby cheeks.

Ever since, I kinda
got scared of getting hurt.

Lost my edge.

There was an incident
in a department store.

Hey, man. You okay?
You look a little jumpy.

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

(LOUD RATTLING)
(SCREAMING)

(GUN CLICKING)

I think he's dead.

And I'm still not right.

Tell me about your
detective squad.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Um, well...

Scully, Hitchcock,
and Daniels.

They're pretty much
worthless.

But they make
good coffee.

Copy that.

Now the good ones.

Rosa Diaz.
Tough, smart,
hard to read,

and really scary.

(GRUNTS)

Tell me who has me
for Secret Santa.

No! That takes all
the fun out of it.

It's Scully.

He got you a scarf.

I'll make him return it.

Yes, you will.

Charles Boyle.

He's a grinder.
Not the most
brilliant detective,

but he works harder
than anyone else.

He's not physically

gifted.

Aw, man!
My muffin!

Ah!

Ow, my head!

My muffin and my head!

And I stepped on...
On my muffin, and my head
and my muffin.

JEFFORDS: Amy Santiago.

She's got seven brothers.

So she's always trying
to prove she's tough.

Be careful.
That stuff's pretty hot.

Oh, is it? Hmm?

(COUGHING)

JEFFORDS: She and Peralta
have some big bet over who
gets more arrests this year.

Ever since the bet,
their numbers
have gone way up.

Tell me about Peralta.

JEFFORDS:
Jacob Peralta is
my best detective.

He likes putting away
bad guys and he
loves solving puzzles.

The only puzzle
he hasn't solved

is how to grow up.

That was very well put.

I've talked a lot about
Jake in my

departmentally-mandated
therapy sessions.

Look, you know
my history.

You know how important
this is to me.

This precinct is doing fine.

But I want to make it
the best one in Brooklyn.

And I need your help.

Absolutely, sir.

Where do we start?

What is happening?

We start with him.

Okay. So the perp came
in through the window,
left the muddy red footprint,

and apparently had sex
with the dish rack.

Shell casings found here.

Two shots.

Bang, bang.
Great work, Detective.

You get a tie.
Hey, that's mine.

You took it
from my desk.

That's right, Charles.
Good solve. Tie for you.

Thanks!
Now everyone be sure to
put those on, because it's

impossible to solve crimes
unless you're wearing a tie.

Lay off the Captain.

That man is gonna
be my rabbi.

Okay, first of all,
when you use
the word rabbi,

you know that turns me on.
And that's unfair
in the work environment.

Secondly, your rabbi
is a pain in my ass.

Yeah, he's a little
too serious.
What do you think, Rosa?

Seems cool.
Yeah, seems cool.
I agree.

Looks like
the perp stole

a computer, a watch,
and a Jam?n lb?rico ham,

valued at... What?
$6,000.

$6,000 for a ham?

Jam?n lb?rico
is an amazing cured ham
from Spain.

They had it at
my uncle's funeral.

I gorged myself
at that funeral.

I mean,
I was constipated
for three days.

Wow. That's a great
story, Charles. Thank you.

All right, listen up,
everybody.

Better contact Captain Holt
and let him know
we got a ten-tie situation.

Speaking of ties,
where's yours, Meep-Morp?

This is fantastic.

Captain! Hey!

Welcome to the murder.

What are you doing here?

I like to know what my
detectives are up to.

Is that okay by you?
Yep.

Take Santiago
and knock on doors.

See if the neighbors
heard anything.

Door duty?
It's a waste of time.

Diaz and Boyle,
check in with the coroner.
Report back to me in an hour.

(SIGHS) That went well.

HOLT: No, it didn't.

He's got like,
super hearing.

Hey, Rosa. Rosa, Rosa.

Um...

(STUTTERING)
I just happened
to notice that

there's an old movie festival

playing at the
Film Forum this week.

You want to go?

Sure.

Cool! Awesome.

There's a bunch
of movie options.

I'll probably just go
with something classic.

Like Citizen Kane.

Citizen Kane is terrible.

Pick a good movie.

Good call. Smart.

I'll do it.
I'll pick a better
movie than

Citizen Kane.

So, Gina,
civilian administrators
like yourself

often have their ear
to the ground.

What do Santiago and
Peralta have riding on
this bet of theirs?

I will tell you
on six conditions.

Number one, you let
me use your office to
practice my dance moves.

Second...
How about this.
If you tell me...

Mmm-hmm?
...I won't have
you suspended

without pay.
Oh, that sounds great!

Okay, the deal is if Amy
gets more arrests,
Jake has to give her his car.

It's an old Mustang.
It's pretty sweet.

If he gets more arrests,
she has to go
on a date with him.

He guarantees

it will end in sex.

I'd bet on at least some
over-the-clothes action.

At the very least
some touching.

Oh, that's enough, Gina.
Caresses...

I could see him
showing up
in a silk robe...

That's enough, Gina.

All right.
Thank you.

PERALTA:
Let the wasting
of time begin.

Hello, sir.

May we ask
you a few questions?

Definitely. Yeah.

I'm actually...
I'm super glad you guys
are here right now.

Are you smelling
that weed smell?

Yeah.
Yeah.

'Cause a dude broke in,
smoked weed,
and bolted. It's...

Do you think it's the same
dude that left that bong
there on the floor?

Yes.

Police.

Hello. What's your name?
Hello.

My name? Mlepnos.
Mmm-hmm.

Can you spell
that, please?

M-L-E-P...

Clay.
Did you say Clay?

Yes. The "Clay" is silent.

All right. Got it.

Have you seen
this man before?

He was shot last night.

Oh!

Thank you.

No. Sir? That's ours.
We need that.

We...
And he kept it.

Wall Street Journal on
the doormat,
top floor apartment.

20 bucks says
this guy's like a hot,
eligible bachelor.

I'll take that action.
Police, open up.

Hello.
(LAUGHS)

Hello, sir!
How are you today?

I am Detective
Right-All-The-Time,

and this is my partner,
Detective
Terrible-Detective.

No surprises
from the coroner.

Two gunshots,
shoulder and chest.

None of the neighbors
heard or saw anything.

And what's worse,
Santiago struck out
with a 92-year-old.

That is not accurate, sir.

Wait, you hooked up
with him? Ugh!

All right. Hit the pawnshops
and canvas the neighborhood.

And while you're out,
you can buy yourself a tie.

Oh, actually, sir...

I'm wearing a tie
right now.

Check it out!

Secret tie!

First of all, I think
you're kind of overdoing
it with the manscaping.

But more importantly,
Detective,

why do you refuse
to take my orders seriously?

Does anyone here know why
it's so important to me

that you all dress
appropriately?

Hmm. Four highly-trained
detectives and not one of you
can solve this simple mystery.

Okay, I want to be briefed
on any new developments.

Any questions?
I was gonna ask you if you
thought I was doing too much

manscaping, but we solved
that one, so I'm good.
Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Boyle.
Yeah?

What about this fancy
ham stuff?
Jam?n lb?rico?

Yes. The perp left
a really expensive TV,

but then stole ham?
It doesn't make sense.

Is there a place nearby the
crime scene that sells it?

Beneficio's might.
Let's go.

You're gonna brief
the CO first.

We'll brief him after
we catch the guy.

My name is Ratko.

I don't know anything.
Oh.

Okay. You recognize
this guy?

Henry Morgenthau?

No.

Maybe, actually...

Look at the picture?
I don't know him.

I don't know
what happened.

No more questions!

Well, why don't I run
a scenario past you, Ratko,

and you tell me
what you think?

You do know Morgenthau.
He came in here and
tried to sell you some hams.

You knew they were worth
a lot of money,

so you tried to
steal them from him
when he wasn't home.

Only he was home,
so you shot him.

Does that sound familiar?

Uh, maybe some role-play
will jog your memory?

That's a great idea.
Okay. Yeah.

Uh, so I'm...
I'm Ratko.
No, no. I'm Ratko.

Come on.
I'm always the victim.
So...

Look, I'm not doing this
with you right here.

Fine. Fine.

Oh, I'm Henry Morgenthau,
owner of delicious
and expensive hams.

Don't I know you from
the grocery store?
Kill.

And scene.

PERALTA:
NYPD. Everyone, down!

Ma'am, if you could
just get down.

Or ignore me
and continue shopping.

Boyle, get the door!
BOYLE: On it.

Ratko?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

PERALTA: Back up.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Ow! Ratko!
I'm getting mad!

That's a waste of Manchego!

Charles!

How are you still here?

Jake! Little help?

Ratko!

We're not going
anywhere, Jake.

Ratko!

I've got him. It's cool.
I got him.

He's all mine.

PERALTA: So, no,
I did not brief you.

And, yes, he did get away.

But, some
bonus good news.

I got you hazelnut.

(WHISPERING)
And, little spoon there,
for you.

Is he seriously
assigning me to the
records room?

I mean, why do we even
have a records room?

The computer has
been invented, right?
I didn't dream it?

You're lucky, man.

I wish I could get
assigned here full time.

You could not be farther
from the action.

Sergeant, you know me.

I have more arrests
than anyone.

Will you please
tell the Captain
how dumb it is

to lock his best detective
in a file cabinet?

Second best.

You're wrong about Holt.

That man has forgotten
more about being a cop
than you will ever know.

In 1981, he caught
the Disco Strangler.

It's over, Disco Man.

Put down the yo-yo
and back away
from the girl.

Wow.
The man is the real deal.

You need to listen to him.

Going to be hard to win
our bet when you're
on the bench, Peralta.

Although, I did start
a new category.

"Murderers we let go."

And look at that!

You're winning!

Have fun with your files.

Yeah. You know what?
I will have fun
with my files.

Have fun with your face!

Slam!

That was a slam.

So? What movie did you
get us tickets to?

Oh, well, just to be safe,

I bought tickets
to all of them.

Just to be safe?
What does that mean?

I don't know.
Uh, I didn't
wanna mess up,

because you're
sort of opinionated.

You think
I'm opinionated?

Okay, here's an opinion
for you.

You're a bad judge
of character and your
shirt looks like vomit.

So we can go see
North by Northwest.

We are not seeing
a movie together.

Good call. Smart.

Keep it profesh.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Hey, Captain.
So, you found something?

Hey, I like the tie.

If you can't beat 'em,
join 'em.

Anyway, I think I got
something good here.

Turns out the name
Ratko is made up.

But I was digging
through these files,

one of which I literally
found in a spider web,

and it turns out there were
a bunch of references
to a Serbian thug.

Street names, "The Rat"
and "The Butcher."

He was known to hang out
at a storage unit
near Boerum Park,

which has red soil, hence,

the muddy red footprint
on Morgenthau's counter.

That's fine work, Detective.

Thank you very much, sir.

A testament to what can be
achieved when you dress
appropriately.

Let's pound it out.

You know what?
Such fine police work.

Let's share it
with the whole team.

Santiago, Boyle,
Diaz, get in here.

Bring everyone.
And a camera.

That's not necessary.

Let's have a hand for
the work of the fine...
Oh, they're here!

...master detective,
Jake Peralta.

Yeah. Let's have a hand,
everyone. Give him a hand.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, nice!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah. Thank you.
DIAZ: Looking good!

SANTIAGO:
No record of Ratko
on the ledger.

Must have used cash.

Well, I for one am just
pumped to be on a stakeout
with you, Captain.

You know what my
favorite thing about
stakeouts is?

Patrol Guide says
no dress code.

So I'm just
the zip-up hoodie

and my two best friends.

Does he always
talk this much?

I just tune it out.

It's like a white
noise machine.

Okay, first of all,
that's racist.

Secondly...

Captain, Terry told me
you caught
the Disco Strangler?

I mean, that's incredible.

I've read that case.

With all due respect, sir,

why'd it take you so long
to get your first command?

Because I'm gay.
(PERALTA CHUCKLES)

Uh...

Seriously?

I'm surprised
you didn't know.

I don't try to hide it.

Did anyone else get
a little bit of a gay vibe?

Manscaping.

Damn.

I am not a good detective.

Here. I feel bad

that you
spent all that money
on the movie tickets.

Why don't you just go
to the movies with me?
No.

Okay.

Well, this is awkward.

It's not awkward.

I like your company.

You're sweet.

When did you come out?

About 25 years ago.

The NYPD was not ready
for an openly gay detective.

But then the old guard
died out,

and suddenly, they couldn't
wait to show off the fact

that they had a highly
ranking gay officer.

I made Captain,

but they put me
in a public affairs unit.

I was a good soldier.

I helped recruitment.

But all I ever really wanted
was my own command.

And now, I finally got it.

And I'm not gonna
screw it up.

Uh, Captain, I'm sorry. I...

I feel like a jackass.

(BOTH SIGH)

But, on the flipside,
there's Ratko.

Humility over.
I'm amazing.

Fantastic.
3,000 identical blue doors.

Looks like we all
got door duty.

Oh, yeah.
From before.

Good one.

You look great.

Clear.

Clear.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Unbelievable.
Unbelievable!

Ratko, great to see you.

You can't stop me.

I'm going.
Actually...

You're not going anywhere.

'Cause if you take a look
to your left you'll see
Detectives Boyle and Diaz.

Right there
is Detective Santiago.

And behind you
is Captain Holt.

Point is, my team
has you surrounded.

Oh, my God! I just
got the tie thing!

Captain,
I just figured it out.

Maybe now's not
the best time, Detective.

It's a uniform.

We're a team,
and the tie is a part of
that team's uniform, right?

You ask Ratko
what team?

No, Ratko, shut up.

It's important to you,
because you were kept
off the team for so long,

and now you're the coach

and you want us to all
wear that same uniform.

Boom! Nailed it.

Yes, you did.
Now, just arrest Ratko.

All right, Ratko, down.
Drop the weapon.

Hands on your head.
Here we go.

He's running!
Go!

Got him.

Hands behind your back.
Hands behind your back!

BOYLE: Stay down.

That's how we do
it in the Nine-Nine, sir.

We catch bad guys,
and look good doing it.

What's wrong with you?

Never took off the Speedo.
Big mistake.

It is inside me.

Great work, team!
Ripped By mstoll