Broke (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Dates - full transcript

Previously on "Broke..."

My family used to be just me and my mom,

until one day, the doorbell rang.

It was my mom's sister, Aunt Lizzie...

- Jackie, it is us.
- Hi, there.

...her husband Tío Javi and Luis.

Who is Luis, you ask?

Luis is my assistant, my driver,
but more important, my friend.

Tío Javi messed
up and lost all his money, so he

and Aunt Lizzie had to move in with us,

which is great,
because now the house is loud



and busy and fun.

And I hope it stays that way.

My desire for you burns
hotter than the sun.

I can feel myself sizzling.

Guys.

Sammy, time for bed.

But it's only 8:00.

True, but you got dinner and a show.

So say good night,

and I'll be up to read you
a bedtime story in a minute.

Night, Luis.

Good night, Sammy.

- Night, Tío Javi.
- Sweet dreams, Samuelito.

Good night, Tía Lizzie.



Uh...

That was hard to watch.

Like a puppy trying to embrace a cactus.

Seriously, guys.

That's enough with the PDA.

- PD-what?
- PDA.

Public displays of affection.

Kissing, hugging, a flirty glance.

It's creepy.

And what is Sammy supposed to think?

That we are two people in a
loving, committed relationship?

Like I said, creepy.

Jackie, do you want to know what I think?

Never.

I think, if somebody is
bothered by affection,

somebody could be missing it
in their own life,

and somebody needs to date.

Somebody is you.

Elizabeth is right.

You must find someone
to share your dreams with.

I don't have time for dreams or dates.

I am a single mother
and I have enough on my plate.

But now that Elizabeth and I
live here in the family bosom,

we can watch Sammy.

Feel free to find love.

Perhaps it would be good for you
to go out on a date.

Perhaps it would be good
for you to go out on a date.

No.

Jackie's right.

It's been too long since you've had love.

- No.
- Oh.

Come on. Imagine
the romantic possibilities

in Reseda, Tarzana, Burbank.

Elizabeth, you know what I'm thinking?

Always.

I will find a man for Jackie...

And I will find a man for Luis.

There is no way in hell
I'm letting my sister

set me up on a date.

Oh, don't worry. Javier and Elizabeth

have the best intentions,
but the worst follow-through.

The dates will never happen.

Tonight, the dates will happen.

I am still amazed
you actually followed through.

As am I.

Jackie, I picked up a ton of things

that will really make you
sparkle for your date.

I don't want anything
that's gonna make me look

like a desperate hooker.

I picked out one thing

that will really make you
sparkle for your date.

Fake eyelashes?

I came home a couple weeks ago

with fake eyelashes and you hated them.

Because they were
on the headlights of your car.

It feels like there's spiders
attacking my eyes.

Don't think of it as attacking.

Think of it as eight legs
weaving silk into your face.

Ron's gonna love it.

I don't know about this guy.

You met him in the parking lot
of Neiman Marcus.

No, but he was carrying
a shopping bag from Denim Barn.

Plus, he's a single dad who drives

an absolutely filthy pickup truck.

Now I'm listening.

And the best part is, with Ron,

there's no ex-wife in the picture.

His wife is dead.

Dead wife and a filthy truck.

Let's do this thing.

Ow.

Uh, maybe lose the lashes.

Okay, have a good night.

And listen to your aunt and uncle.

Stop. I want to smell like me, not you.

Or... use your best judgment.

- I won't be home too late.
- Ooh.

Unless things go well, and
you wake up in the back

of his pickup truck on a pile
of Burger King wrappers.

That is not who I am.

Anymore.

And don't worry, Jackie, I will
tell Sammy his bedtime story.

Okay, but I don't want
him having nightmares.

So no scary stories about ghosts
or goblins or the president.

- I love you.
- Love you, too.

All right, well, bye!

Do everything I wouldn't do.

All right. Let the family fun begin!

Yes!

Yes... Whoa.

Mi amor,

aren't you gonna help us
cook dinner tonight?

Uh, I would, but I have
an incredibly busy evening.

I have to take a bath and then dry off

and you know, Brexit.

Uh, are you okay with this, Sammy?

Sure. It's not like we hang out anyway.

Well, you should.

Why don't you pick out
something for dinner tonight?

I am told we have Hamburger Helpers,

Tuna Helpers and Chicken Helpers.

Could we mix all the Helpers together?

What a daring idea.

Go gather the Helpers.

It's been so long since
I've been able to say that.

Mi corazón, why don'tly,
you join us downstairs?

Oh, uh, I'd love to,
but I'm currently upstairs.

Oh, but this is the perfect
opportunity for you

to get to know your remarkable nephew,

and for him to get to know
his incredible aunt.

That's sweet of you to say, but Javi,

I'm just not that great with kids.

I mean, you know, once
they can legally drink,

we have something to talk about, but...

That's probably why, even
though we froze my eggs...

We never picked a date to defrost.

But this isn't about that.

This is about now, with Sammy.

Just be yourself.

Be the funny, fascinating,

incredible, beautiful woman you are.

That shouldn't be too hard.

Mmm.

This Helper medley is sublime.

- It sure is.
- Mm-hmm.

So, what should
the three of us do tonight

that's super, super fun?

Uh, do you have a favorite rom-com?

BuzzFeed Quizzes are fun.

Yeah!

Do you have a rubber ducky?

I was hoping we could make slime.

Oh, yes. I have scaled Kilimanjaro,

slept in the arms of a polar bear,

but I have never made slime.

Making slime in Reseda.

Isn't that a bit redundant?

Let's make slime.

Yes, yes. Let's make slime.

Bad date?

Total train wreck.

Mine, too. I just didn't
want to go home early

and tell Lizzie and Javi about it.

Because they would immediately
try to set us up on more dates.

Exactly. Another shot?

Sure, but it will take more than one

to make me forget
the worst date in history.

Charles was exactly as Javier described.

Smart, charming, attractive.

I'm just happy the whole
small plates thing is over.

I left every restaurant hangry.

Oh. How about,

"Have you had the caramelized
Brussels sprouts?

You must have the caramelized
Brussels sprouts."

Thanks, I had them. In 2017.

I was on fire.

It was all good until the waiter arrived.

Good evening. Would you like
to hear the specials?

- We would.
- Tonight's special

is a 33-year-old fool from Minnesota

who let his one true love slip away.

We recommend pairing it

with a beautiful man who's
hopefully ready to forgive?

Oh, Jeremy.

Of course I forgive you.

I only brought him here
to make you jealous.

Oh! You're the love of my life, Charles.

And you're the love of mine.

Excuse me, could I see the wine list?

That was a bad date.

But mine was worse.

Ron was cute.

And the night started off okay.

Until the cops showed up.

Ronald Palmer,

you're under arrest for
the murder of Cynthia Martin.

Wait, who's Cynthia Martin?

My wife.

I thought your wife was dead.

She is.

So... I win.

You would, if any of that
were true, and not

from an episode of Blue Bloods
we watched last night.

Okay, but my real date was brutal.

And I would've been here earlier,

but I took the 134 to the 101

to Woodman to Sepulveda.

I should've taken the surface
streets. Magnolia to Chandler,

Chandler to Fuller,
you're supposed to wait...

But on the other hand, with
all the turns and... sometimes

I get an upset stomach,
but you should never...

And I would have left earlier, but...

shrimp cocktail.

Oh, you never leave a shrimp cocktail.

Hey, you want to play pool?

Sure. But I should warn you,

I'm an excellent pool player.

Then I should warn you.

I cheat.

Does someone have a tissue?

Too late.

I get it. It's disgusting.

I've never made this much slime before.

Wait, we could have made less?

Can we make more slime tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Uh...

Uh, uh, why not?

I'll just cancel the manicure
I so desperately...

What's wrong? What's wrong?

My ring! My engagement ring! It's gone!

Don't worry, darling,
it is a very tiny kitchen.

I promise I will find your ring.

I did not find your ring.

So that's it.

My ring is gone.

My life is over.

There's no point in going on.

I don't need a ring.

Nobody needs a ring.

I mean, what's a ring anyway?

It's just a thing,
and what's a thing? Nothing.

People lose things all the time,
right? Like-like us.

We lost everything, and who cares?

Not me. I don't care!

I'll be perfectly fine!

I'll be perfectly fine
and perfectly great!

I will be perfectly fine

and perfectly great,

and I will be upstairs!

Is Tía Lizzie gonna be okay?

Of course, Sammy.

Don't ever listen to the
tone of a person's voice.

Only listen to their actually words.

If Tía Lizzie says she's fine,
then she's gonna be fine,

no matter how much her tiny
little shoulders are shaking.

But because you are concerned...

I'm gonna go check on her.

Oh, darling, I know you're upset,

but as soon as we get our
money back, I promise

I will buy you a new ring.

And this promise I will keep,
unlike the one where I said,

"I promise I will find your ring."

Oh, Javi, it's not just the ring.

Everything's changed so fast.

Last year we were in Rome making love.

Now we're in Reseda making slime.

Well, perhaps you don't
have a fancy ring, and...

perhaps we're not making love
in a glamorous city like Rome

or Paris or Burbank...

but perhaps...

Tía Lizzie! I found it!
I found your ring!

Oh, thank God. I didn't
know where I was going

with that last "perhaps."

Oh, Sammy, thank you!

I think the slime made
the ring fly off your finger.

I found it in the Secret Treasure Hole.

Oh, did you hear that, Javi? He found it

in the Secret Treasure Hole!

Wait. How do you know
about the Secret Treasure Hole?

No, wait, wait. What is this hole?

And why is it secret?

Well, when Jackie and I were kids,

we found a hole

underneath a cracked tile in the kitchen,

and so if one of us was feeling down,

the other would leave
a small secret gift:

a cute barrette, a colored pencil...

Mom leaves me stuff there now.

Really?

That is so cool you guys still do that.

Well, it's bedtime,
and I promised I would tell you a story.

Would you like a little preview?

- Sure.
- Well, the bedtime story

will be loosely based
on One Hundred Years of Solitude

by Gabriel García Márquez.

Spoiler alert:

you will come to question
all preconceived notions

of timelessness and eternity

within the framework of mortal existence.

No?

Elizabeth... do you have a bedtime story?

I know what you're doing.

I know you know, but I'm still doing it.

She said yes!

Okay, if I sink this, I win again.

I'm sorry.

When I sink this, I win again.

Don't miss!

Ow!

Told you I cheat.

Sorry, Max.

My friend here is a terrible pool player.

It's okay. I'm just glad
you're not playing darts.

Good point.

You get it, because...

darts... are pointy.

I bet you wish you'd kept that inside.

Very much so.

I'm sorry. My banter is

extremely rusty.

I haven't been a relationship in a while.

Oh, yeah, Lizzie said
you had a serious thing

that ended a few years ago.

Juan Pablo.

He was a jockey.

A tiny but powerful man.

Strong jaw.

Thighs like a nutcracker,
and I was his walnut.

But relationships are not built
on thighs alone.

They're built on trust!

Ow!

Sorry about earlier. You probably learned

a few new curse words today.

No. I've driven with my mom.

Okay, what kind of stories do you like?

Scary stories.

Scary stories.

Okay.

Once upon a time, in a...

faraway land known as...

Reseda...

there lived a brave young prince

and his petite, charming aunt,

who the townspeople would often mistake

for his slightly older sister.

Anyway, one dark, starless night,

in the land of...

Reseda!

...the young prince and his aunt...

who was once mistaken for Mila Kunis

at New York's Fashion Week...

joined forces
to defeat a giant green blob

who was terrorizing the
countryside by devouring

all the diamonds in its path.

The diamonds, of course,
were not blood diamonds.

At least that is
what the jeweler told me...

her.

Ooh...

I couldn't help

but overhear your story,

because I was
purposely listening right here.

But I think maybe somebody's
better with children than...

somebody thought.

Maybe somebody is me.

♪ ♪

It's like, right when you get divorced,

everyone's like.

"Get back out there! Have fun!

Go meet some people!"

But meeting new people isn't fun.

It's work. I tried dating
a couple of guys.

But it takes so much time.

So much effort. I was shaving my legs,

like, twice a month.

That is crazy.

You know, it's only when
I hear something funny,

or... really sad,

that I miss it.

Miss what?

Just having someone that
gets why it's funny or sad.

Never mind.

When you catch a firefly,

and you hold it a moment
to capture the light,

then just before you let it go,

you turn...

because you want someone else to see it.

That's when I miss it.

Having someone.

Nice firefly story.

It's much better
than the pointy dart bit.

What a night. There was laughter,
there was tears,

there was screaming, there was goo.

I think we had the whole
parenting experience in one night.

I'm not saying we're quite ready

to have kids of our own, but...

It's nice to know that if we do,

we won't be completely terrible at it.

Yeah, we'll just be as terrible
as every other mom and dad.

Yes!

And in the meantime,

I'm very glad that my frozen eggs

are under the watchful eye of Dr...

Leonard Birnbaum.

I never realized how sexy that name is.

Say it again.

Dr...

Leonard...

Birnbaum.

Classic.

You come home, and the
babysitter's making out

with some dude on your couch.

Jackie, Luis, how were your dates?

First, is Sammy still alive?

He's alive, he's asleep,

and he really is the
sweetest kid I've ever met.

That's all me, it's all me.

So, did you have fun?

Well, um, it was a little bumpy

at first, but by the end

of the evening, I think we really bonded.

For me, also, there was no
chemistry at the beginning,

but after we talked and drank and...

drank and talked, we discovered
we had a lot in common.

That is great news. Because Javi and I

have set up tons of people,
and they've all been disasters.

Yes. We once accidentally

started a war
between two small countries.

But not tonight.

- Not tonight.
- Not tonight.

So, did you make plans
to see your dates again?

Actually, I think we
will see each other again.

Next... Thursday.

I, too, have made a
date for next Thursday.

Oh, wow, you both made dates
on the same day.

Yeah.

***

Yes I can! I just don't
know what it's mean.