Brockmire (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - #3.5 - full transcript
Charles, my man. Miss me?
Sure, everybody misses
their money manager.
What's up, Bernie?
You wanted me to call when it happened.
You're a millionaire.
We're celebrating
this weekend big time.
- Bring your girl.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
I'm... I'm right here
with her, actually.
She's... we're rich, babe!
She's really excited about it.
Yeah, you're clearly lying,
but don't worry, bud.
You can afford to fly someone in.
Hey, Denise?
I'm a gentleman, and that's
why there's no expectations
for anything to happen this weekend.
I very much so respect you.
Hey, we were just crazy kids
back in Morristown.
But look at us now.
I'm studying acting at NYU.
You've got your own media empire.
We're like... like, full-on adults.
Exactly, like, we don't need
to let our hormones
rule every moment of our lives.
No, I mean, we're, like, adults.
So, you know,
we could have sex wherever,
whenever we want.
Like your car.
- Right now.
- Is that...
is that legal?
Oh, this is good, this is good.
Yeah, this works, this works.
This is... oh, you're a freak.
Oh, my God!
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Jim has told me
so much about you, Charles.
Like, so much.
Like, more than is appropriate
for a non-relative.
What's that stupid-ass smile?
He's just proud
that he has two black friends.
I'm not going to lie,
it's pretty darn great.
I mean, I may not be ready
for a barbershop,
but no, I can definitely hang
at a cookout.
Yeah, what you going to bring?
Uh, cornbread?
- Ooh, that's...
- No?
That's bad, that's going to
get you thrown out the cookout.
- Bring yourself.
- All right.
- Don't bring anything.
- No, yeah.
Okay, I don't want to cut in
on your time here with Charles,
but I just came from
visiting Matt in the hospital.
He asked when you were coming by.
Me? Uh, how about never?
No, Gabby, he's in a cancer ward
in a hospital in Central Florida.
That's depression cubed, right there.
Triple play.
That is a Russian nesting doll
of abject misery.
I thought new Jim
cared about his fellow man.
If you must know, okay,
the last time I saw the guy,
we almost got into a fist fight.
Now, I know, I know,
it's insane to think
that a bedridden hospital patient
could beat me up, right?
No, I mean, catheter attached,
I would still give Matt
three-to-one odds.
I saw you lose a drunken fight
with a sober 14-year-old.
- She beat the shit out of him.
- She was not that sober.
Charles, we can do anything
you like on this trip.
I've always kind of wanted
to go to GatorLand.
- Fuck, no.
- Okay.
Well, what about Weeki Wachee Springs?
A live mermaid show?
Charles, that's basically
dinner theatre without the dinner.
It's an underwater strip show
aimed at families, come on.
Well, it has to have lasted
for 70 years for a reason.
Yes, as a testimony
to the rich vein of stupidity
that runs right through
the bedrock of this country.
But all this sounds like
your idea of my idea of fun.
- What do you want to do tonight?
- Well, if it were up to me,
Lil' Diazepam, he's a Soundcloud rapper
with a full-face tatt of Steve Jobs.
He just got out on bail,
so he's throwing a midnight rager
in the second largest sinkhole
of East Orlando.
Everything about your
generation terrifies me.
Everything.
Well, your generation
killed the planet.
- And America.
- Touché.
- Surprise!
- Shit!
Oh, my God.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
Jim, it's so great to meet you.
Apologies about the last-minute visit.
- I just missed him so much.
- I missed you so much.
You know, in Amsterdam,
you have to pay 10 Euros for this show.
Can I ask how the heck
you got in here, darling?
Oh, I sweet talked your super.
Said I was your long-lost daughter,
Ruby Lee, from Hot Springs.
Mama may have been a whore,
but she done with me
the best she could.
I was Alma in "Summer in Smoke"
by Tennessee Williams at ETW this year.
- She was amazing.
- Stop.
I watch her performance
on YouTube all the time.
Do you want to see it?
Do I want to watch a taped performance
of amateur theater on a laptop?
Not right now, no.
We don't have time anyway
because I made dinner.
Well, thank you
for breaking in and cooking.
Denise, that was one
hell of a Bolognese.
Oh, it was my Uncle Mike's recipe.
Mike was a friend of
my parents, or, really my mom.
He filled the gaps created
by my father's
emotional unavailability.
When I found the naked photos
of Mike and my mother,
I was happy for her.
Once I understood what they were.
I was only eight.
Okay, then. Um, well, to Mike.
What does "check the pipes" mean?
"Check the pipes" just means
"check the pipes."
What in blue blazes
is going on in here?
His whore ex-girlfriend is texting him
about checking her pipes!
Why don't you go
check them then, Charles?
Well, I am going to have to do that,
because technically, I'm her landlord,
- so her pipes are my pipes.
- Your pipe is my pipe!
Your body made a promise.
I should have known better
than to give my heart
to someone so easily,
but my heart doesn't know...
oh, get off!
I take it you've had to do that before.
Yeah, I call that maneuver...
Charles! Charles!
I-I call that maneuver the Casper.
Gotten me out of many a sticky wicket.
I've used it on third world
pimps and Sandy Duncan.
The key is to use a heavy
fabric to blunt the blade.
Boy, learned that one from
Sandy Duncan the hard way.
Charles, I love you!
I'm going to break up
with her in the morning.
- I'm sorry, Jim.
- Oh, no worries.
What do you think?
Maybe she tuckered herself out.
- Don't look at me!
- Oh!
Still going, still going.
Charles?
Thank you.
Okay. Watch out.
Hey.
Good morning.
Uh, apologies about last night.
Charles and I were having
some communication issues.
- But...
- Ho-ho.
We fixed them. Right, babe?
Yeah, I mean, I have nothing to hide,
but how is she supposed to know that
if she can't see everything?
So we changed all
my passwords to Denise's.
Uh-huh. Still a little bit concerned
about the whole knife thing, however.
Don't worry, though.
It's never going to happen again.
Just a one-time only outburst, eh?
No, we... we threw away all the knives.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for this.
Gayle is afraid of needles.
So what are you going to do?
About Charles? I don't know.
I got to be very careful
what I say to him.
I already lost a sister because
I was too honest with her.
Yeah, maintaining friendships
has always been a struggle for me.
In my divorce from rye whiskey,
rye got most of our friends.
Well, you're about
to lose another friend
if you keep my ass
hanging out like this.
- Can you please just let me...
- I'm done.
Great with needles, bad with people.
Jesus.
Sorry, it's just fertility stuff.
Of course, I would rather be
in the ladies room
with a female co-worker,
but I literally have none.
It's fine. I'm a nurse.
That was the smoothest
injection I have ever seen.
Yeah, well, all thanks
to sweet lady ketamine.
Well, I mean, I never
actually lived in a K-hole
in all my years of addiction,
but I did own a timeshare there
for quite a while and boy, oh boy,
were there ever a lot
of blackout dates.
- How you doing, I'm...
- Jim Brockmire.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hi.
- The, uh, jacket
and the ketamine soliloquy
gave it away.
- Sure, they would.
- Yeah.
- Which makes you Gabby.
- Hey.
Hi, I'm Maggie Nickols.
I'm Matt Hardesty's oncology RN.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He's been trying to get me
into baseball,
so he gave me some tickets
and promised me the VIP tour.
I showed her the stack
of big nacho cheese bags.
- Yep.
- Because food science
has always been a hobby of mine.
Specifically non-perishable dairy.
Like, did you know
that Hidden Valley Ranch
was an actual working ranch
in Santa Barbara, California?
- Ah.
- I went there on my honeymoon.
There's nothing like the sweet aroma
of sea spray and buttermilk.
You done?
- Yeah.
- Great. Sorry.
Well, gee, you're not
into baseball, shame.
What kind of things do you like?
Hmm, mystery novels, my dogs, musicals.
I was obsessed with "Bye Bye Birdie"
when I was a kid.
Well, maybe I was just
obsessed with Ann-Margret.
I actually dressed up as her
one time for Halloween.
- You got any pictures of that?
- Oh, yeah.
Because I would love... ow, shit.
Sorry, little behavioral
modification system
that Gabby and I have where
she snaps this band hard
when I say something that I shouldn't.
Yeah, we might have
to upgrade to a push pin.
What I meant to say
was I would love to pay
for the pleasure of your company...
no, ow, okay. With dinner, I meant.
It's okay. I would love to get dinner.
- Great.
- I can't tonight,
but next time you visit Matt,
just stick around,
and we'll figure something out.
I'm kind of surprised
I haven't seen you there
the other times that I visited before.
I've been there pretty much every day.
Oh, well, shouldn't have lied.
Charles, what the hell is this?
Well, you told me to pick
out a card for Matt that says
"I acknowledge that we're enemies,
but I am sad
that death comes to us all."
Yeah, but I'm not sure that Garfield
can shoulder that emotional weight.
- Holy shit, look at that.
- Nermal really sells it.
He does. What do you got there?
Oh, it's a teddy bear for Denise.
I like to keep a few
big gestures in the holster
just in case I screw something up.
Right, boy, good to be prepared
because she's very passionate,
isn't she?
Yeah, that's why the sex is insane.
Oh, yeah? What are you guys into?
BDSM, DDLG role play?
Electro stim? Lucying?
We 69.
And then what?
That's it.
You can't improve upon
the perfect sexual position.
Charles, 69 is objectively
the worst sexual position.
It's nothing but a mouthful of
pubes and nose-full of asshole.
Charles, I have a tattoo of
two lizard 69-ing on my chest
because I asked the artist
for the worst possible
thing imaginable.
You're missing
the crucial element, though.
We do it in public.
We've done it
in nine bathrooms already,
and we've only been dating
for two months.
How does that even work?
What, do you, like,
hold her upside down in a stall?
No, I don't have
the arm strength for that.
We just lie down on the floor.
You 69 on the floor
of public restrooms?
Charles, Bukowski would be ashamed
to write that shit down.
You're probably going to
laugh at me for saying this,
but, like...
it kind of feels like we're soul mates.
How else do you explain
that whenever we 69,
we always cum at the same time?
Um, that she's lying
straight into your dick.
Mm-mm, there are no lies in a 69, Jim.
Your bodies form a circle of truth.
I got to beg you to stop
saying "69," please.
Hey, we'll take these,
and can I also get five dozen roses?
Plus nine more.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Hey.
Well, you look, um...
like dogshit.
I wish.
Well, come on in.
All right. Where's Maggie?
I didn't... I didn't see her anywhere.
Oh, her shift doesn't start
until after visiting hours.
I asked you to come in because
I wanted to apologize for my behavior.
Are you wearing brass knuckles?
Ah, shit, I forgot I had these on.
Yeah, well, you know, you're always
so damn angry at me all the time,
I figured better safe than
sorry, you know what I mean?
But apparently, no,
I misread your intentions.
Just don't... seriously,
don't make me laugh, Brockmire.
It... it hurts. Listen.
When I got sick, I was angry.
Plus, you were always an asshole,
so I figured it was okay
to be an asshole to you.
Well, sure, yeah, no.
Game recognize game.
Man, I banged on you like a drum, so...
I'm sorry, Jim.
Please.
You know, being...
trapped in this bed,
it's like I'm...
held hostage by regrets.
I'm realizing, even before I got sick,
I made everybody around me suffer.
And now, I'm just all alone.
Okay, but, just...
as far as you and I go,
just... just the apology?
Is... is that it?
- Yeah, that's it.
- All right.
Well, accepted.
And uh, I got you this,
so I'm just going to...
probably feel like every day
is Monday long about now, huh?
Garfield understands.
Jim, you don't have to go.
Make sure you read
the inside of that thing
because it really...
it ties it all together.
I spent my whole life
surrounded by crowds.
Now, I'm by myself.
And I'm staring over the edge.
And I don't understand
what I'm looking at.
I got house guests,
so I got to take a rain check.
Okay, my man?
You're my main man.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's Denise?
We had to freshen up after our tryst
- on the Popeye's bathroom floor.
- Ugh.
How'd everything go with Matt?
Terrible. He cried, Charles.
It was like watching Lincoln cry.
The misery of a nation
poured from those eyes.
Well, I have big news.
I'm going to be moving
to New York to be with Denise.
Oh, boy.
Charles, are you certain
that that's the best idea?
- I knew it.
- Oh, shit!
You are trying to break us up.
I forgot about your whittling knife.
How are you everywhere?
Stop trying to constrain our love.
Denise, uh, um, baby,
let's try and be careful...
All right, Charles,
please, please, please.
She's only using that weapon to
try to hijack the conversation.
Right, Denise?
She has absolutely no intention...
Ow, Mommy!
Oh, my God! What, why?
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God!
- Okay, okay.
- Oh!
- First aid kit, first aid kid.
- Oh, my God.
- First aid kit.
- I... I...
Ow, oh.
Oh, man, Denise.
- You have a...
- Denise...
Denise.
- Denise.
- Yeah, I...
- Denise!
- Yeah.
Sit down.
Um...
Denise, what is going on with you?
I...
I thought I'd discover a home at NYU.
People that understood me.
But then you find out
the boys have a pool going
to see which one of them
can fuck you first.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it's fine.
I can handle it.
You make them respect you.
But then somebody decent comes along,
and... and the next thing
you know, it's true love.
Mm, well, that's very nice, Denise.
What is that from?
Kenneth Lonergan's "Lobby Hero."
It's such a powerful play
in these times
of confident certainty.
Well, no notes, honey.
You were very present.
- Thank you.
- Um...
what is your motivation though, Denise?
He's the only decent person
who's ever wanted
to spend any time with me.
Oh, well, ditto. But, you know,
you're going to lose him, darling,
if every waking moment is this intense.
But that's what being young
and in love is.
It's intense and messy and beautiful,
and we are completely
vulnerable with each other.
Someone as cynical
and closed off as you
wouldn't understand that.
Well, actually, I got
a face-full of vulnerability
from a cancer patient
about an hour ago.
Of course, I turned tail
and ran out of there
about as fast as I could, but...
Wow.
I may have stabbed you,
but I think we both know
who committed the real crime tonight.
Yes, you, Denise. Felony assault.
At most, what I did was
an emotional misdemeanor.
How exactly did this happen?
It was young love
and a whittling knife,
and I got caught in the cross-stab.
Nice grift, by the way.
Getting me to come here to ask you out
so I'd have to talk to Matt.
Mm, I don't feel bad about it at all.
Hey, no, you shouldn't. Shame on me.
I had to be conned and stabbed
into becoming a decent human being.
Is it... are we good? Can I head on in?
Yeah, go ahead. I'll break the rules.
He's up.
So are you going to ask me out or what?
Yep.
The Popeye's bathroom floor?
And he was bragging about it
like he was King Dick
of Pussy Mountain.
69'ing is just weird, you know?
I mean, take turns.
Focus on the task at hand.
My mechanic is not going to fix
my car any better
if I'm sucking his dick.
- Right?
- Well, yeah.
Well, we've survived
our share of wild women.
Your friend will too.
Yeah, but he's not like us, man.
He's a giver, not a taker.
He's going to spend years
trying to fill
her bottomless pit of need,
and it's all my fault, man.
No, his mother taught him
that loving somebody
means trying to fix them.
Instead of helping him
break that pattern,
I just hammered it in.
I made it more permanent.
She's a volatile monologist, all right?
Basically, he found a female
version of me to have sex with.
God damn it,
the whole reason I got sober
was to try to stop hurting...
It's just...
he's like a son to me, you know?
I'm sorry, it's just...
I guess we're even now.
We've both seen each other cry.
Well, technically,
I already saw you cry
at that broadcaster's dinner, so...
- Oh, yeah.
- But fortunately,
the stage four lymphoma will give me
plenty of opportunities
to play catch-up.
Well, I got to
say something to Charles, man.
Even if it means he ends up
hating me forever.
Back in my playing days,
I'd come home from a
road trip and uh...
I'd put on my dad hat.
Try to parent my girls real hard.
It never worked.
They got pissed off, resented me,
and did the exact opposite.
My advice: Only give your opinion once.
And only if he asks for it.
Denise sends her apologies.
She had to rush up to New York
to work on her alibi.
You're unusually un-opinionated today.
You sure there's nothing
you want to say?
No, no, Charles, I'm just...
I'm so happy that you're happy.
Denise did stab you,
so you have 30 seconds
to say your piece.
Charles, your natural tendency
is to fill in the holes
in other people's lives.
Your mother and I are good examples.
You define your self-worth by the abuse
heaped upon you by those around you.
But you're so great
in so many other ways.
I'd hate to see you repeat these same
self-destructive patterns
that I helped put in place.
I want to see you grow
into the kind of adult
that anybody, myself included,
would look up to.
You're an absolute treasure, Charles,
and you deserve the absolute best.
- Five seconds.
- I love and respect you
no matter what, but pre-nup, pre-nup,
- pre-nup, oh, God, pre-nup.
- Time.
And I love you, Charles.
I love you, too.
You know the first thing
I'm going to do
when I get to the Big Apple?
69 on the bathroom floor
of the Staten Island ferry.
Just had to ruin
the nice moment, didn't you?
Little shit.
You're a little shit!
Sure, everybody misses
their money manager.
What's up, Bernie?
You wanted me to call when it happened.
You're a millionaire.
We're celebrating
this weekend big time.
- Bring your girl.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
I'm... I'm right here
with her, actually.
She's... we're rich, babe!
She's really excited about it.
Yeah, you're clearly lying,
but don't worry, bud.
You can afford to fly someone in.
Hey, Denise?
I'm a gentleman, and that's
why there's no expectations
for anything to happen this weekend.
I very much so respect you.
Hey, we were just crazy kids
back in Morristown.
But look at us now.
I'm studying acting at NYU.
You've got your own media empire.
We're like... like, full-on adults.
Exactly, like, we don't need
to let our hormones
rule every moment of our lives.
No, I mean, we're, like, adults.
So, you know,
we could have sex wherever,
whenever we want.
Like your car.
- Right now.
- Is that...
is that legal?
Oh, this is good, this is good.
Yeah, this works, this works.
This is... oh, you're a freak.
Oh, my God!
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Jim has told me
so much about you, Charles.
Like, so much.
Like, more than is appropriate
for a non-relative.
What's that stupid-ass smile?
He's just proud
that he has two black friends.
I'm not going to lie,
it's pretty darn great.
I mean, I may not be ready
for a barbershop,
but no, I can definitely hang
at a cookout.
Yeah, what you going to bring?
Uh, cornbread?
- Ooh, that's...
- No?
That's bad, that's going to
get you thrown out the cookout.
- Bring yourself.
- All right.
- Don't bring anything.
- No, yeah.
Okay, I don't want to cut in
on your time here with Charles,
but I just came from
visiting Matt in the hospital.
He asked when you were coming by.
Me? Uh, how about never?
No, Gabby, he's in a cancer ward
in a hospital in Central Florida.
That's depression cubed, right there.
Triple play.
That is a Russian nesting doll
of abject misery.
I thought new Jim
cared about his fellow man.
If you must know, okay,
the last time I saw the guy,
we almost got into a fist fight.
Now, I know, I know,
it's insane to think
that a bedridden hospital patient
could beat me up, right?
No, I mean, catheter attached,
I would still give Matt
three-to-one odds.
I saw you lose a drunken fight
with a sober 14-year-old.
- She beat the shit out of him.
- She was not that sober.
Charles, we can do anything
you like on this trip.
I've always kind of wanted
to go to GatorLand.
- Fuck, no.
- Okay.
Well, what about Weeki Wachee Springs?
A live mermaid show?
Charles, that's basically
dinner theatre without the dinner.
It's an underwater strip show
aimed at families, come on.
Well, it has to have lasted
for 70 years for a reason.
Yes, as a testimony
to the rich vein of stupidity
that runs right through
the bedrock of this country.
But all this sounds like
your idea of my idea of fun.
- What do you want to do tonight?
- Well, if it were up to me,
Lil' Diazepam, he's a Soundcloud rapper
with a full-face tatt of Steve Jobs.
He just got out on bail,
so he's throwing a midnight rager
in the second largest sinkhole
of East Orlando.
Everything about your
generation terrifies me.
Everything.
Well, your generation
killed the planet.
- And America.
- Touché.
- Surprise!
- Shit!
Oh, my God.
- Hey, hi.
- Hi.
Jim, it's so great to meet you.
Apologies about the last-minute visit.
- I just missed him so much.
- I missed you so much.
You know, in Amsterdam,
you have to pay 10 Euros for this show.
Can I ask how the heck
you got in here, darling?
Oh, I sweet talked your super.
Said I was your long-lost daughter,
Ruby Lee, from Hot Springs.
Mama may have been a whore,
but she done with me
the best she could.
I was Alma in "Summer in Smoke"
by Tennessee Williams at ETW this year.
- She was amazing.
- Stop.
I watch her performance
on YouTube all the time.
Do you want to see it?
Do I want to watch a taped performance
of amateur theater on a laptop?
Not right now, no.
We don't have time anyway
because I made dinner.
Well, thank you
for breaking in and cooking.
Denise, that was one
hell of a Bolognese.
Oh, it was my Uncle Mike's recipe.
Mike was a friend of
my parents, or, really my mom.
He filled the gaps created
by my father's
emotional unavailability.
When I found the naked photos
of Mike and my mother,
I was happy for her.
Once I understood what they were.
I was only eight.
Okay, then. Um, well, to Mike.
What does "check the pipes" mean?
"Check the pipes" just means
"check the pipes."
What in blue blazes
is going on in here?
His whore ex-girlfriend is texting him
about checking her pipes!
Why don't you go
check them then, Charles?
Well, I am going to have to do that,
because technically, I'm her landlord,
- so her pipes are my pipes.
- Your pipe is my pipe!
Your body made a promise.
I should have known better
than to give my heart
to someone so easily,
but my heart doesn't know...
oh, get off!
I take it you've had to do that before.
Yeah, I call that maneuver...
Charles! Charles!
I-I call that maneuver the Casper.
Gotten me out of many a sticky wicket.
I've used it on third world
pimps and Sandy Duncan.
The key is to use a heavy
fabric to blunt the blade.
Boy, learned that one from
Sandy Duncan the hard way.
Charles, I love you!
I'm going to break up
with her in the morning.
- I'm sorry, Jim.
- Oh, no worries.
What do you think?
Maybe she tuckered herself out.
- Don't look at me!
- Oh!
Still going, still going.
Charles?
Thank you.
Okay. Watch out.
Hey.
Good morning.
Uh, apologies about last night.
Charles and I were having
some communication issues.
- But...
- Ho-ho.
We fixed them. Right, babe?
Yeah, I mean, I have nothing to hide,
but how is she supposed to know that
if she can't see everything?
So we changed all
my passwords to Denise's.
Uh-huh. Still a little bit concerned
about the whole knife thing, however.
Don't worry, though.
It's never going to happen again.
Just a one-time only outburst, eh?
No, we... we threw away all the knives.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for this.
Gayle is afraid of needles.
So what are you going to do?
About Charles? I don't know.
I got to be very careful
what I say to him.
I already lost a sister because
I was too honest with her.
Yeah, maintaining friendships
has always been a struggle for me.
In my divorce from rye whiskey,
rye got most of our friends.
Well, you're about
to lose another friend
if you keep my ass
hanging out like this.
- Can you please just let me...
- I'm done.
Great with needles, bad with people.
Jesus.
Sorry, it's just fertility stuff.
Of course, I would rather be
in the ladies room
with a female co-worker,
but I literally have none.
It's fine. I'm a nurse.
That was the smoothest
injection I have ever seen.
Yeah, well, all thanks
to sweet lady ketamine.
Well, I mean, I never
actually lived in a K-hole
in all my years of addiction,
but I did own a timeshare there
for quite a while and boy, oh boy,
were there ever a lot
of blackout dates.
- How you doing, I'm...
- Jim Brockmire.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hi.
- The, uh, jacket
and the ketamine soliloquy
gave it away.
- Sure, they would.
- Yeah.
- Which makes you Gabby.
- Hey.
Hi, I'm Maggie Nickols.
I'm Matt Hardesty's oncology RN.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He's been trying to get me
into baseball,
so he gave me some tickets
and promised me the VIP tour.
I showed her the stack
of big nacho cheese bags.
- Yep.
- Because food science
has always been a hobby of mine.
Specifically non-perishable dairy.
Like, did you know
that Hidden Valley Ranch
was an actual working ranch
in Santa Barbara, California?
- Ah.
- I went there on my honeymoon.
There's nothing like the sweet aroma
of sea spray and buttermilk.
You done?
- Yeah.
- Great. Sorry.
Well, gee, you're not
into baseball, shame.
What kind of things do you like?
Hmm, mystery novels, my dogs, musicals.
I was obsessed with "Bye Bye Birdie"
when I was a kid.
Well, maybe I was just
obsessed with Ann-Margret.
I actually dressed up as her
one time for Halloween.
- You got any pictures of that?
- Oh, yeah.
Because I would love... ow, shit.
Sorry, little behavioral
modification system
that Gabby and I have where
she snaps this band hard
when I say something that I shouldn't.
Yeah, we might have
to upgrade to a push pin.
What I meant to say
was I would love to pay
for the pleasure of your company...
no, ow, okay. With dinner, I meant.
It's okay. I would love to get dinner.
- Great.
- I can't tonight,
but next time you visit Matt,
just stick around,
and we'll figure something out.
I'm kind of surprised
I haven't seen you there
the other times that I visited before.
I've been there pretty much every day.
Oh, well, shouldn't have lied.
Charles, what the hell is this?
Well, you told me to pick
out a card for Matt that says
"I acknowledge that we're enemies,
but I am sad
that death comes to us all."
Yeah, but I'm not sure that Garfield
can shoulder that emotional weight.
- Holy shit, look at that.
- Nermal really sells it.
He does. What do you got there?
Oh, it's a teddy bear for Denise.
I like to keep a few
big gestures in the holster
just in case I screw something up.
Right, boy, good to be prepared
because she's very passionate,
isn't she?
Yeah, that's why the sex is insane.
Oh, yeah? What are you guys into?
BDSM, DDLG role play?
Electro stim? Lucying?
We 69.
And then what?
That's it.
You can't improve upon
the perfect sexual position.
Charles, 69 is objectively
the worst sexual position.
It's nothing but a mouthful of
pubes and nose-full of asshole.
Charles, I have a tattoo of
two lizard 69-ing on my chest
because I asked the artist
for the worst possible
thing imaginable.
You're missing
the crucial element, though.
We do it in public.
We've done it
in nine bathrooms already,
and we've only been dating
for two months.
How does that even work?
What, do you, like,
hold her upside down in a stall?
No, I don't have
the arm strength for that.
We just lie down on the floor.
You 69 on the floor
of public restrooms?
Charles, Bukowski would be ashamed
to write that shit down.
You're probably going to
laugh at me for saying this,
but, like...
it kind of feels like we're soul mates.
How else do you explain
that whenever we 69,
we always cum at the same time?
Um, that she's lying
straight into your dick.
Mm-mm, there are no lies in a 69, Jim.
Your bodies form a circle of truth.
I got to beg you to stop
saying "69," please.
Hey, we'll take these,
and can I also get five dozen roses?
Plus nine more.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Hey.
Well, you look, um...
like dogshit.
I wish.
Well, come on in.
All right. Where's Maggie?
I didn't... I didn't see her anywhere.
Oh, her shift doesn't start
until after visiting hours.
I asked you to come in because
I wanted to apologize for my behavior.
Are you wearing brass knuckles?
Ah, shit, I forgot I had these on.
Yeah, well, you know, you're always
so damn angry at me all the time,
I figured better safe than
sorry, you know what I mean?
But apparently, no,
I misread your intentions.
Just don't... seriously,
don't make me laugh, Brockmire.
It... it hurts. Listen.
When I got sick, I was angry.
Plus, you were always an asshole,
so I figured it was okay
to be an asshole to you.
Well, sure, yeah, no.
Game recognize game.
Man, I banged on you like a drum, so...
I'm sorry, Jim.
Please.
You know, being...
trapped in this bed,
it's like I'm...
held hostage by regrets.
I'm realizing, even before I got sick,
I made everybody around me suffer.
And now, I'm just all alone.
Okay, but, just...
as far as you and I go,
just... just the apology?
Is... is that it?
- Yeah, that's it.
- All right.
Well, accepted.
And uh, I got you this,
so I'm just going to...
probably feel like every day
is Monday long about now, huh?
Garfield understands.
Jim, you don't have to go.
Make sure you read
the inside of that thing
because it really...
it ties it all together.
I spent my whole life
surrounded by crowds.
Now, I'm by myself.
And I'm staring over the edge.
And I don't understand
what I'm looking at.
I got house guests,
so I got to take a rain check.
Okay, my man?
You're my main man.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's Denise?
We had to freshen up after our tryst
- on the Popeye's bathroom floor.
- Ugh.
How'd everything go with Matt?
Terrible. He cried, Charles.
It was like watching Lincoln cry.
The misery of a nation
poured from those eyes.
Well, I have big news.
I'm going to be moving
to New York to be with Denise.
Oh, boy.
Charles, are you certain
that that's the best idea?
- I knew it.
- Oh, shit!
You are trying to break us up.
I forgot about your whittling knife.
How are you everywhere?
Stop trying to constrain our love.
Denise, uh, um, baby,
let's try and be careful...
All right, Charles,
please, please, please.
She's only using that weapon to
try to hijack the conversation.
Right, Denise?
She has absolutely no intention...
Ow, Mommy!
Oh, my God! What, why?
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God!
- Okay, okay.
- Oh!
- First aid kit, first aid kid.
- Oh, my God.
- First aid kit.
- I... I...
Ow, oh.
Oh, man, Denise.
- You have a...
- Denise...
Denise.
- Denise.
- Yeah, I...
- Denise!
- Yeah.
Sit down.
Um...
Denise, what is going on with you?
I...
I thought I'd discover a home at NYU.
People that understood me.
But then you find out
the boys have a pool going
to see which one of them
can fuck you first.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it's fine.
I can handle it.
You make them respect you.
But then somebody decent comes along,
and... and the next thing
you know, it's true love.
Mm, well, that's very nice, Denise.
What is that from?
Kenneth Lonergan's "Lobby Hero."
It's such a powerful play
in these times
of confident certainty.
Well, no notes, honey.
You were very present.
- Thank you.
- Um...
what is your motivation though, Denise?
He's the only decent person
who's ever wanted
to spend any time with me.
Oh, well, ditto. But, you know,
you're going to lose him, darling,
if every waking moment is this intense.
But that's what being young
and in love is.
It's intense and messy and beautiful,
and we are completely
vulnerable with each other.
Someone as cynical
and closed off as you
wouldn't understand that.
Well, actually, I got
a face-full of vulnerability
from a cancer patient
about an hour ago.
Of course, I turned tail
and ran out of there
about as fast as I could, but...
Wow.
I may have stabbed you,
but I think we both know
who committed the real crime tonight.
Yes, you, Denise. Felony assault.
At most, what I did was
an emotional misdemeanor.
How exactly did this happen?
It was young love
and a whittling knife,
and I got caught in the cross-stab.
Nice grift, by the way.
Getting me to come here to ask you out
so I'd have to talk to Matt.
Mm, I don't feel bad about it at all.
Hey, no, you shouldn't. Shame on me.
I had to be conned and stabbed
into becoming a decent human being.
Is it... are we good? Can I head on in?
Yeah, go ahead. I'll break the rules.
He's up.
So are you going to ask me out or what?
Yep.
The Popeye's bathroom floor?
And he was bragging about it
like he was King Dick
of Pussy Mountain.
69'ing is just weird, you know?
I mean, take turns.
Focus on the task at hand.
My mechanic is not going to fix
my car any better
if I'm sucking his dick.
- Right?
- Well, yeah.
Well, we've survived
our share of wild women.
Your friend will too.
Yeah, but he's not like us, man.
He's a giver, not a taker.
He's going to spend years
trying to fill
her bottomless pit of need,
and it's all my fault, man.
No, his mother taught him
that loving somebody
means trying to fix them.
Instead of helping him
break that pattern,
I just hammered it in.
I made it more permanent.
She's a volatile monologist, all right?
Basically, he found a female
version of me to have sex with.
God damn it,
the whole reason I got sober
was to try to stop hurting...
It's just...
he's like a son to me, you know?
I'm sorry, it's just...
I guess we're even now.
We've both seen each other cry.
Well, technically,
I already saw you cry
at that broadcaster's dinner, so...
- Oh, yeah.
- But fortunately,
the stage four lymphoma will give me
plenty of opportunities
to play catch-up.
Well, I got to
say something to Charles, man.
Even if it means he ends up
hating me forever.
Back in my playing days,
I'd come home from a
road trip and uh...
I'd put on my dad hat.
Try to parent my girls real hard.
It never worked.
They got pissed off, resented me,
and did the exact opposite.
My advice: Only give your opinion once.
And only if he asks for it.
Denise sends her apologies.
She had to rush up to New York
to work on her alibi.
You're unusually un-opinionated today.
You sure there's nothing
you want to say?
No, no, Charles, I'm just...
I'm so happy that you're happy.
Denise did stab you,
so you have 30 seconds
to say your piece.
Charles, your natural tendency
is to fill in the holes
in other people's lives.
Your mother and I are good examples.
You define your self-worth by the abuse
heaped upon you by those around you.
But you're so great
in so many other ways.
I'd hate to see you repeat these same
self-destructive patterns
that I helped put in place.
I want to see you grow
into the kind of adult
that anybody, myself included,
would look up to.
You're an absolute treasure, Charles,
and you deserve the absolute best.
- Five seconds.
- I love and respect you
no matter what, but pre-nup, pre-nup,
- pre-nup, oh, God, pre-nup.
- Time.
And I love you, Charles.
I love you, too.
You know the first thing
I'm going to do
when I get to the Big Apple?
69 on the bathroom floor
of the Staten Island ferry.
Just had to ruin
the nice moment, didn't you?
Little shit.
You're a little shit!