Brockmire (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Platoon Player - full transcript

You know, folks, in Hamburg,

I once saw a half-dozen Germans
berate a bus driver

because he was
five minutes late.

I mean, even today, you don't
have to squint too hard

to see how Hitler got
those people to march.

Having no chill, that's
a base tenet of fascism.

Ooh, Charles, you know,
that sounded a little bit

too Bill Maher as I said it.

Can we cut that out.
Charles?

Charles!
Are you listening to me?

Try -- Try to pay attention
to the podcast, Charles.



I mean, it is only your job.

Jim!

Jim! We can't be late.

They're serious
about this Raj thing.

Jim?

**

Ai! Ai!
Hijo de puta!

**

Oh, man.

We hit the bar hard
when Uribe got in last night.

You got in three days ago.

Well, time flies
when you're on speed.

I am celebrating
my retirement.

Miss Jules, she cut me.



Said I'm too slow
at everything.

I'm sorry, man.

So, you got any speed?

No.
Hey, where's Jim?

Brockmire, man, he party
hard nowadays, man.

He eventually
left me behind.

Why are you
wearing his jacket?

We switched clothes, man,
when the mushroom kicked in.

Uribe thought it was
a good idea at the time.

Hey, do you want Uribe
to help you find Brockmire?

No, that's fine.
I got this.

Ai, that's better.
Ai.

Yeah, I do this
all the time.

Come on, Jim.
Where are you?

* Right now *

-* Oh, right now *
-Ooh.

-* I said, oh, Lord *
-* Oh, Lord *

* He's really gonna see me *

* Right now *

Wassup, world?
It's your girl, Cassie.

Look who
I pulled from the bar.

Old dude
from the Internet.

Hey. I'll wait
for you here, man.

Ugh.

Where's Jim?

I don't know where he is.

I kicked him out
an hour ago.

Tried to eat my ass almost
as soon as we got in bed.

Ha! That's a reward
for a job well-done.

You don't start a big meal
with dessert.

Where did he say
he was going?

Said he was going
to some bar

that cuts out the middleman
of fun and conversation.

**

Pbht! What the hell
took you so long?

Your breath
smells like ass.

Oh, I wish.

**

Crawdaddys go on a long
road trip tomorrow -- two weeks.

Yeah, no, I don't care
who messed them up.

I'm not paying for them.

They're supposed to say
"Brockmire," not Brock-m-i-e-r.

He's not French.
I expect a full refund.

Crawdaddys threatening
here in the second.

Mm-hmm. Oh, no, I have
the receipt on me right here.

Hold on.

And that is the first
run of the ball game,

and you know what that means,
Crawdaddy fans.

It's time
for the Crawdaddy Ditty.

Press the button.

There it is,
the Crawdaddy Ditty.

You know what? Hold on.
I have a call on the other line.

Hey.
How was the flight, Mom?

Yeah, well,
I have some good news.

I got us a reservation at
a Michelin star restaurant.

Yeah, no, not like
the tire people.

It's just a way of saying
it's a fancy restaurant.

Yeah, no,
Dad's gonna meet us there.

Hey, hey, hey, excuse me.
Hi.

Could you please bubble-wrap
these before you send them?

We've gotten a few complaints.
Thank you.

Yeah -- No, uh,
I-I agree with you.

There's nothing fancy
about tires.

There isn't gonna be
any tires there!

I'm -- I love you, Mom.

I'll see you later.
Goodbye.

You said you needed
a little bit of office space.

You're running a goddamn
mail-order sweatshop!

And these guys keep
stealing hot dogs.

You know what?

I'll give you $75 extra
a week for the rent,

and everybody in here
gets free hot dogs.

That's a lot of cash.

Well, credit cards don't make
problems go away this fast.

Hey, wait, was that
the second out or the third?

Shit.

Top of the third
is brought to you by...

Shit!

...by -- by...

Delphina's Po' Boys.

Serving New Orleans
for over 80 years.

Every bite will make you scream,
"Oh, boy, what a po' boy!"

Seems strange
that lasted 80 years

with a slogan that rhymes
"boy" with "boy," doesn't it?

But, uh, that just means
their sandwiches

are mighty tasty, folks.

You're way off
your game today.

Johnson steps in.
He's batting .255.

All right, so this driver

will take you and Uribe
wherever you want to go.

Eh, I'm not seeing
Pedro tonight.

He's got a date with
this professor from Tulane.

Boy, that guy
loves academics.

Keeps dragging me around
to all these college bars

so we can find a big-ass woman
with a big-ass mind

to sit
on his big-ass face.

Well, you won't be alone,

because the driver will be
with you for 24 straight hours,

because as you know,
tonight's my night off.

Whoa, first I'm
hearing of this.

I've been telling you
for a month.

You can't tell me.
You have to write it down.

I'm -- I'm a visual
listener, Charles.

Well,
you can't put it there.

You have to put it on my
drinking hand or I don't see it.

Come on.
Just -- Please.

Hang out with me tonight,
and I'll pay you double.

I'm head
of your corporation.

So?

That means I pay you.

Yeah, only 'cause you don't
trust me with the finances,

Charles, which is
beyond insulting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me this much.

Come on.
Karen Hill big.

I don't know
what that means.

Inexcusable that you haven't
seen, uh, "Goodfellas" yet.

Come on.
Slip it in there.

No foreplay needed.
Ooh, that feels nice.

**

* Walking the streets
of New Orleans *

* I see these trumpet players,
tuba players, drummers *

* On the street corner
tapping their feet *

* Bobbing their heads
to the...beat *

* 'Cause no matter what they
say, this is our world *

* We come from the bottom *

* Now we all... *

* Keep it locked down,
this is ours now *

* Game's over... *

The birthday boy
is here.

Give me them 604s!

Podcast, I've been
meaning to ask you.

What's your podcast about?
-It's the drunk ramblings

of an old white dude
who drinks too much.

-Yeah.

I should do a podcast
about, like,

shoes and clothes and shit.

You could.

You could call it
"Dipped and Laced."

Can you talk into a microphone
for like an hour straight?

All I do is talk shit.

This is actually
a really good idea, Dave.

I have some time right now
if you want --

Let's do it.

-Hold on.

All right, I got to --
I got to take this.

Yeah, sure.

Ugh.

Jim: Hello

I thought I took my uppers,

but I must have taken
my downers.

I'm in a bathtub, and I can't
really lift my head.

Surprise!

You thought I forgot
your birthday, didn't you?

Wrote it down on my coke dollar
so I wouldn't forget.

August 15, Charles' birthday.

Toot toot!

I thought you were dying.

Come on, Charles.
I was just messing with you.

I got a big night planned.

I got two bottles
of 18-year-old scotch.

Those are for me.

I got you a lovely
birthday cake,

which I've already
eaten my half of.

And quite frankly,
it isn't sitting very well.

And, ooh, I got you a big,
old bag of cocaine,

which is how I remembered your
birthday in the first place

and, uh, yeah, that --
well, that's also for me.

So the only thing you've
gotten me for my birthday

is a half-eaten
birthday cake.

No.

I also got you Chastity,
who is a lovely sex worker,

and she's here
to pop your cherry!

There she is!

Damn, man!
You ruined that bathroom.

I think I already admitted that
the cake was not sitting well.

-Touché.
-Charles, Chastity.

Now, I want you to know --
Hey --

I went to great lengths
to make sure

that this was
the perfect woman for you.

So you already had
sex with her.

You know, Charles, come on,
that'd be weird.

It's your birthday.

You're gonna have sex
with her first,

and then I'm going
to have sex with her.

And then you go and then I go
and then you go and then I go.

But nobody comes
except for Chastity, of course,

because, you know, we're --
we're both gentlemen.

Can't wait.

Is this really how you imagined
me losing my virginity?

Yes.
It's weird how close this is.

We're both sitting
on this couch

and I had this exact
level of erection.

I mean, I'm -- I'm giving myself
déjà vu with this thing.

I'm not doing this.

Well, I think you're hurting
Chastity's feelings, Charles.

Oh, no, no, I've been
in this game a long time.

I got thick skin.
And loose skin.

He's hurting my feelings,
all right?

Charles, come on.

What's more important
than spending time

with your best friend
on your

Hanging out with my family.

I'm having dinner with them.

You're having dinner with your
family and didn't invite me?

How can you do that?

Because they hate you.

My mom still calls us
moving out of Morristown

"the kidnapping."

And my dad thinks
you're my sugar daddy.

It took them a whole year
to even talk to me again.

I'm not gonna let you
ruin that by...

being you.

Now, what the hell
is that su--

God damn, man!

How can it smell the same
coming out the other end?

Oh, shit. Oh, God.

All -- All over your nice,
new sneakers.

I'm so -- God damn it!
I got to cut back on the sugar.

It's my one true vice.

Oh!

All right, Charles,

I will not go to your
precious family dinner.

You weren't invited.

You and I both know
that was not gonna stop me.

But you have to do
something for me,

and that something
is named Chastity.

Oh.

Is it go time?

'Cause I just popped
a toaster strudel in,

and I'm gonna need five.

Also, someone's been
doubling up on your frosting

'cause y'all are low.

What?
It wasn't me.

-Yeah.

Hey, can I just get a few
things off my chest first?

Sure, sweetie.

I mean, half my job
is listening.

Um, I didn't have
the best childhood.

I barely ever saw my dad.
My mom is extremely needy.

And my stepdad
is just the worst.

So when I saw the chance
to escape, I took it.

I knew New Orleans would be
much better than whatever life

I had back home,
and I was right.

It's really great.

And I set this whole
birthday dinner thing

to show my family
how well I'm doing.

And you're eating
another toaster strudel.

What?
You don't want to have sex.

We don't have to.
It's fine.

Great! Nice!

So you'll tell Jim
we had sex?

Mm-hmm. For $300.

What?

He paid you $150.

Why am I paying you
double to lie?

'Cause lying is a sin,
and I'm a godly woman.

You're a prostitute.

There's prostitutes
in the Bible.

You know what?

You're right.
I can't argue with that.

You're absolutely right.

Here you go.

Pleasure doing
business with you.

Happy birthday!

**

Hmm. Nice stuff.
They got some...

-Hey.
-Hey.

Nice of you
to show up, Junior.

Yeah, well,
it's, uh, 7:00 p.m.

I said 7:00.
I'm exactly on time.

Charlotte and Charlyn,
what is "exactly on time"?

Both: Late, sir.

Thank you.

Well, I apologize, Dad.

I'm happy you could make it up
from Mississippi.

Yeah, well, the girls
wanted to see New Orleans.

So we went on a swamp boat tour,
and we saw a alligator farm,

and then we saw some
other historical landmarks.

You did all that
since this morning?

No, we've been here
for four days.

Oh...kay.

My two favorite
Charles'sss.

Terry, where's Mom?

Oh, she's outside
parking the rental car.

I drove down, but she's better
at parallel parking than I am.

People honk,
I get flustered.

Terry, why didn't you stay
to hold open the door for me?

I nearly sprained my wrist.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Let me get you some ice.

No, I don't need any ice.
I will heal from the pain.

I always heal
from the pain.

Speaking of pain,
let me see my birthday boy.

Hmm! Oh!

I see you survived
your kidnapping.

Hi, Mom.
It's great to see you.

-Mm-hmm.
-God damn.

-Ooh!
-Bobbi, you still got it, girl.

If I wasn't married,

I'd say we run that thing
back one more time tonight.

Well, if you weren't
married, I'd let you.

So, this is the restaurant
the tire people recommend.

Don't worry about it.

I know it's my birthday,
but it's my treat.

It's my gift to you guys.

So your older man friend gave
you some walking

I, uh, I told you, Dad, I make
my own money from the podcast.

I ain't never seen no podcast
that pay this much.

How many podcasts
have you seen?

Don't question me, boy.

Hey, do they have that
pre

I'm starvin' bajarvin'.
-Oh, my g-- Okay, can we --

Look, we haven't been in the
same room in a very long time.

I just want all of us to enjoy
each other's company.

Please?
I miss you guys.

Aww.
I miss you, too, baby.

Your sisters were
excited to see you.

And I was, too.

Baby, look, I know
we can be hard on you,

but it's just because
we love you so much.

I've settled for...
so many things in my life.

But I never want you
to settle for anything

other than your best life.
-Thanks, Mom.

There they all are.
So good to see all of you.

I'm Jim. Charles has told me
so much about all of you.

Hey! Come on!
Let's talk for a second.

I thought we had a deal.

We did, Charles, but you did
not fuck your end of it.

I paid Chastity $300,
and she told me the truth.

So we paid her $750 just
to eat all of our strudel?

Apparently.

Bobbi, Charles tells me
that you are from Fayetteville.

I am from right
across the border

in Barry County, Missouri.

Can you believe that?

We're both children
of the Ozarks.

I mean, we're
practically cousins.

Mm-hmm.
I only have one white cousin,

and his name
is Dan Marino.

And you must be
the sergeant.

Sir, it is such a pleasure
to meet you.

I want to thank you
for your service.

So you're my son's
fancy friend.

That is
exactly who I am.

Now, I know that you're all
very worried about Charles,

but I want to assure you
that he is just doing fantastic.

He's so happy that you all
came here to celebrate with him,

but really, what is
a celebration without a toast?

Come on in.

Champagne for everybody.

Now, this is on me.
Thank you, darling.

Make sure everyone
gets one, now.

All right.
To Charles --

Well, if it ain't the ass
eater extraordinaire.

You didn't even kiss me
on the mouth first.

What kind of man
goes straight for the ass

before they kiss you
on the mouth?

One that thought he was
in a safe space

to try a little
something different.

-You --
-All right, okay.

What the hell
was that in there?

Hey, is it my fault
that the rectum

has the same amount of pleasure
receptors as the clitoris?

It isn't. I mean, blame God
or natural selection,

depending
on your belief system.

See, this is exactly why
I didn't want you here.

I'm trying to patch
whatever relationship

I have left
with the family,

and you're just gonna
come in here and ruin it.

You're almost
as bad as Terry!

What do y'all have
against that guy?

He seems like a very
sweet man to me.

Never, ever
take Terry's side.

Never. If you're
gonna stay here,

you're gonna be
on your best behavior.

You understand me?
Not a word.

-I got it.
-Not a word.

-How do you want me to --
-Jim!

-Okay.
-Ah, ah, ah!

All right.

Thank you.

Here's the happy couple.
Did y'all kiss and make up?

Sorry about that.
Sorry about all of this.

Now, it's just exactly
what we expected,

which is why
we got you this.

Happy birthday, son.

-It's a plane ticket.

Now, look, I already got
two good kids,

so whatever happens to you,
I'm fine.

But you're all
your mother has,

which is why you ought to be
at home taking care of her.

Charles, I-I haven't been doing
well since you left, Charles.

I...

I have cancer.

Oh, my God, Mom.

Emotional cancer
caused by you.

-Oh, my God! Mom!

When you left,
a sadness took over me,

and you're the only one
who can make it go away!

Well, why can't Terry
take care of you?

Terry can't even get bread.

I'm hungry.

See, that's why you need
to be at home.

I am home.

I don't understand how you
turned out this way.

You know I need you, and you
won't even consider me,

your mother.

Fed you every day,
kept you in nice clothes,

kept a roof over
your head all by myself!

And now look at you --
ungrateful and selfish!

That -- That's enough.
I'm sorry.

I promised Charles
I wouldn't say anything,

but I cannot sit idly by

and listen to you
badmouth this young man.

Now, Sergeant,
all due respect, sir,

but you haven't
been in his life.

You have no right
to criticize his choices.

You also seem to be turning your
girls into very strange robots.

They have not blinked one time,
and I'm terrified.

Thank you
for your service.

Terry, hey, very difficult
to respect anybody

who has no respect
for themselves.

No offense to you.
-Oh, none taken.

You should be offended
by that, Terry.

That's the whole point.
No, never mind. Never mind.

Madam, you are an emotionally
manipulative narcissist.

I know.
No, 'cause that's what I am.

Now I see why Charles was drawn
to me in the first place.

This is all he's known
his entire life.

Except with Jim,
I get paid.

You're darn right he does.

This genius here helped me
build a podcast juggernaut.

Go ahead. Tell them how much
money you made last year.

$600,000.

600 thousa

I made $400,000.

The 60/40 split
is in your favor?

I do most of the work.

Oh, we're gonna put a pin
in this conversation.

No, we're gonna
revisit it later.

Well, now I have some things
I'd like to say.

That jacket you always wear
looks like the carpet

at a motel
that charges by the hour.

Only a degenerate and a fool
would eat a stranger's ass.

And any man who does must
be compensating

for his tiny pecker!

I have been told that I am
exactly average by sex workers

around the world
in 16 different languages, okay?

So now that we both
had our turn --

Oh, no, I'm just warming up.

Let me tell you something else,
Mr. Announcer.

Don't bother.
We're leaving.

I'm sorry for the way I left,

but this dinner
made me realize why I did it.

Now I'm gonna go back
to my house that I own.

I love you all.
Except Terry.

Ch-- Hey, is the house
in your name, too?

It is, isn't it? Because we're
gonna have to have

a serious talk
about my finances

IN what I thought
was a partnership.

Thanks for standing up
for me.

Well, Charles,
I know what it's like

to not be seen
by your family.

And, you know, I don't
always give you

the credit that you deserve,

but, uh, as a man
with a prodigious ego,

let me pay you the highest
possible compliment that I can.

Charles, you are almost
as talented as I am.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, thanks, Jim.

I'm gonna go to bed.
-Whoa, whoa.

I got one
more gift for you.

Jim, if there's another
prostitute in here,

I swear I'm gonna
lose my shit.

I --

Hmm.

604s?

Oh, yeah.

**

I thought I got the last pair
of 11s in the city.

What can I say?
I have friends in high places.

Did you call Joe Buck?

I called Joe Buck.

**