Brockmire (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Old Timers Day - full transcript

And Howard Cosell...
I swear this is true...

without missing a beat, drops his pants,

points to his pubes and says,
"Tug away, my friend."

And...
And my God, the bush that that man had.

No, no, no.

It looked like he was tryin' to smuggle

one of the Jackson 5 down
there between his legs.

I-I think it was Tito.

But that heart-warming tale

is what is so special about
Mack & McGraw, isn't it?

I mean, for one night a year,



we get to walk amongst baseball legends.

But enough about the past.

Let's focus on gettin'
drunk in the present, shall we?

So, quick announcement... seriously.

Guys,
no pissin' in the corners this year.

I'm serious.

No, if you can't make it to the
bathroom, please wear a diaper.

I am lookin' at you, Brent Musburger.

Hey, fellas.

Can I get a second with him, please?

Get up.

Hey, you don't have to go just
'cause he says so.

Hi, Joe Buck.

Listen, did you lie to Robbie Butler



and tell him that I wear
non-prescription glasses

to seem smart?

I... Joe Buck,
it's nothing personal, all right?

I just happen to hate your stupid face.

You were a groomsman at my wedding.

Look, Joe.

It's not just that you became

the biggest broadcaster in America.

Actually, yes, it is. That's it.

Jesus, Jim.

How was I supposed to know

I was gonna plateau at age 24?

Oh, come on. I guess, what?

Like, your grass probably isn't as green

as I imagine, though, right?

No, life's pretty fantastic.

And it's weird.

I'm so famous right now

that I pretty much just think
about something, and it appears.

Who was that?

Who was what?

Great. Thanks for comin' by.

Mission accomplished.

I feel stupid and weak and vulnerable.

Listen to me. Listen to me.
Look in my eyes.

Now that I know what's wrong,
I think I can fix it.

How you gonna do that?

I don't want to oversell this, okay?

But let's just say that by the time

you get back to your
hotel room tonight...

you may have a big
surprise waiting for you.

Ooh.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck!

Joe Buck!

Ohh, fuck his ass.

Joe Buck didn't shit in your bed.

That was Musburger.

Musbur... get outta here. Musburger.

It was payback for that diaper joke.

He always brags about it.

Says it was the shit of his life.

You know, that's actually pretty
funny comin' from Musburger.

What the hell was the big surprise

that Joe Buck was talkin' about, then?

His producer was supposed to call

and offer you the chance to fill in

on the number-one broadcast
crew when Buck left for football.

Your phone didn't ring?

I don't know.

I ran the hell out of
there to go kill Joe Buck!

So, your life would have
been completely different

had Musburger just had a smaller dinner.

All right, look,
Joe Buck asked me to come out here

to invite you to join him for
this year's Mack & McGraw.

And I think you should do it.

Well, Robbie, I'll think about it.

And I do want to thank you for comin'.

And you know, I want you to know...

I think I learned a lot
about gender and sexuality

over the years.

No, I have. And I...

I think I'm a lot more sensitive

to what you were going
through back then.

What are you doin'?

I'm just tryin' to connect with you,
is all.

- Hey, Jim.
- Just stop.

- Let go of his hand.
- Come on.

He doesn't really want to hold hands.

- No, it's all right.
- Get away from me.

Jim, he doesn't want to hold hands!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm glad you're doin' better.

All right, but you did sucker punch me.

Mouth or stomach?

Well, I make a living with this mouth.

Yeah... Ohh!

Hope to see you in Chicago, Jim.

You're a good man, Robbie Butler.

You... you guys have a pretty
complicated friendship.

Come on, it's the perfect
time to take a vacation.

Team's on a road trip.

I'm almost paid off on my loan.

We have money for travel and booze.

Drinks are free at Mack & McGraw,

but I do not want to go.

When you were suicidal,

the only thing that
convinced you to live

was my promise of free booze.

You said that if hell had an open bar,
you'd shake...

- Satan's hand.
- Satan's hand, I know.

Yeah, so what is going on?

What's goin' on is I'm ashamed,
all right?

This is gonna be like
my high-school reunion.

Only instead of getting fat and bald,
I ended up here.

What is so wrong with this place?

Please don't look at Dale right now.

Just don't... no. Don't!

This stain's old.
You can go ahead and serve me.

Look, I'm ashamed of what I have become,
all right?

I used to be one of the greats.

I was a pillar of
Midwestern American values,

and now I'm... I'm some kind of clown

that gets drunk on the Internet.

Look at me.

I'm with you every day.

You have nothing to be ashamed of...

other than your toenail situation,

which we've discussed.

- I-I don't know what that is.
- It's fungus.

- Yeah, but is it, though?
- Yes, yeah.

If you're not gonna do it for you,
do it for us.

It'll be our first vacation together.

We just got back from Pittsburgh.

Going to Pittsburgh to get
an abortion doesn't count.

All right, that's a fair point.

All right, what the hell?
Let's go to Chicago.

But just so we can have the kind of sex

that is only possible when
somebody else cleans the sheets.

It is the best kind.

Oh, it is.

Here are the stadium keys.

Your only job... literally,

the only thing you have to do

is make sure it doesn't burn down.

Okay. You know, this means a lot to me.

Not a lot of people
will put this much power

in the hands of a teenager.

Yeah, well, don't pull a muscle

givin'
yourself a pat on the back or anything.

She just doesn't think you have
enough friends to throw a party.

Well, maybe the old Charles.

But you're looking at the producer

of a top-10 podcast on iTunes Charles.

This is the Charles who
spent the past four months

locked in a room with that egomaniac

just soaking up
confidence like a sponge.

I'm not going to throw a party,

but if I did, it would be lit.

I believe you.

You should.

No, she doesn't.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Titties.

Titties and titties.

Titties plus titties equals...

titties.

All right, wait, just... one second.

I've never seen you so nervous.

I... you know.

What if these guys don't like
who I am now or somethin'?

Or even worse... what if they

just don't give a shit
that I'm even here?

If anyone is mean to you,
I will grab a sharp object

and... and stab them till they stop.

Well, that sounds like a good plan.

You're gonna be great.

All right, ready?

Ready.

Don't really stab anybody.

Okay.

- Oh.
- Hey!

Hey.

Brian Kenny, get outta here!

Good to see you.

Jim, great to see you.

You too. I don't know who you are,

but it's great to see you.

We've met five times, but it's okay.

Robbie Butler, give me a break.

- Good to see you. All right.
- Jim.

Tim Kurkjian, how are you?

- Good to see you.
- You good?

Hey!

It's Joe Buck.

What took you so long?

Uh, sorry,
I got held up finger-blasting your mom.

My mom's dead.

Well,
no wonder it took her so long to finish.

Come here, you old buckeye.

You smell like shit!

I love you, though.

I missed this guy.

I missed all of ya.

Oh, my!

You and Jerry Reinsdorf
are gonna be neck and neck

for the title of most attractive owner.

Okay, what time's dinner?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh.

It's a tradition that
women aren't allowed

into this event until after dinner.

What? These guys' wives, they don't eat?

There are no wives at Mack & McGraw.

Back in the day,
we called after dinner Whores' Hour.

What do you call it now?

Whores' Hour.

But we just... we...
we tend to whisper that now.

I was real excited to talk
baseball with Brian Kenny.

I tried to last night,
but Charlie Steiner cornered me

and kept showing me
pictures of his three pugs.

Jesus, really?

Anyway, how's this for a compromise,
all right?

Don't do me any favors.

You meet me after
dinner at Mack & McGraw,

and in the meantime,
you can use this ticket to today's

♪ Cubs game ♪

- What?!
- Yep.

No, you didn't!

Are you for real?

I've never been to Wrigley!

I'm aware of that.

Holy shit.

Thank you, Jim.

You are welcome.

When you used to come to Chicago
by yourself back in the day,

did you... partake in Whores' Hour?

No, I did not.

Come on.

Jules, at the time of my divorce,

Lucy was the only woman
that I had ever slept with.

Dear God!

Are you biggest cuckold of all time?

I think without a doubt I am.

You know, there's a whole subgenre

of porn devoted to this.

You know that, right?

Guys dress up as me

and then watch other
men plow their wives.

Yeah, Cuckmire, I've seen it.

Cuckmire.

I wasn't aware it was called Cuckmire.

That's fine.

You know, for the longest time,
I just...

I really hated who I became. I did.

But now for the first
time in a long time,

I feel like I can maybe
change back into who I was.

And that is thanks to you.

Wow.

I can't believe your
Tinder bio was real.

You actually own a
minor-league baseball team?

Yeah. You know, this is just one of

my many investments at the moment.

How's your beer, by the way?

Uh, warm and tastes kind of funny.

Mm, yeah, I couldn't find any cups,

so I just rinsed out a
few ranch containers.

I see that.

So, are you, uh... you from around here?

Oh, no, I'm from Ohio.

I'm with the theater camp
just right down the road.

Mm, yeah. That makes sense

'cause normally everybody
here already knows who I am.

- 'Cause, um, you know Drake?
- Yeah.

I'm pretty much what Drake is to Toronto

but to Morristown.

Wow.

Hey, cheers.

I got one. So, a few years ago,

I'm doing the World Series.

I'm worn out, middle of the night,

phone rings,
and on the other end I hear slapping.

And this drunken,
absurd voice comes on and goes,

"That's the way my balls sound."

Tell me that wad'n't you.

Seriously, I have no recollection,

but, you know,
I have a very serious drinkin' problem.

Hey!

Not kiddin', actually,
but cheers anyway.

Yeah, these things have really
gone downhill since you left.

Three years ago, Joe hosted.
He workshopped his one-man show.

Listen to me... "Echoes of My Father"

was a Time Out New York "Thing To Do,"

so I resent any, uh, implication

that a good time was not had by all.

Is your new show called
"The Puffed-Up Twat"?

Can you just go away again?

I... please, I can't wait to see

what y'all have on tap for this year.

Oh, we got a fantastic
video tribute for you.

- Oh!
- Jesus, Jonah, that was a surprise.

Wait, what? How was I supposed to know?

Really, a video tribute? Really?

- Yeah.
- Guys, I'm touched.

I am touched, but I do reserve the right

to respond with a few words of my own.

Well,
as long as you don't bust out a version

of "Papa Can You Hear Me?"

It was emotional,
and it made Kurkjian cry.

Right or wrong?

Uh, hey,
I found his sincerity compelling.

Plus, I love lentil.

You mean "Yentl."

What's in this thing?

Oh, I love all beans. Here's to beans!

Beans! And Streisand.

- Lentil!
- To Barbra Streisand.

Yeah, I like a really
relaxed work environment.

It's beautiful.

Can I refill your beer?

Can I have extra ranch
dressing in mine this time?

Of course you can.

Because their investing in contact

throughout the lineup is so shrewd.

In the high-velo era,

the ability just to not strike out

is in itself an undervalued asset.

Wow.

I have to say,

I've enjoyed talking baseball with you

more than any other escort

who's ever come up to
me at these things.

But I'm a married man.
Have a good night.

Uh-oh. What? What's the matter?

Well, for one thing,
Brian Kenny think I'm a prostitute.

The Frackers lost at Slippery Rock.

Cubs game was rained out, and...

there's a whore wearing the
exact same dress I'm wearing.

Shh. Darlin', shh, shh, shh!

We say "sex worker" now.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just workin' on my speech.

I usually go off the cuff,

but I like to have a few
bullets loaded into the chamber.

I got jokes on how many
times Olbermann's been fired.

- Mm-hmm.
- A lot.

How Rich Eisen went bald at 23.

Mm-hmm.

And how Chris Berman's neck

is slowly but surely
swallowing his entire face.

Oh, then for my closer,

I'm gonna pull out my dick,

put it on Brent Musburger's face,

and say, "Oh, looks like

somebody can finally grow a mustache."

I don't get it.

Well, look, everybody here knows

that Musburger can't grow facial hair,
see.

Plus, you know,
my dick will be on his face.

How much have you had to drink?

Well, it's free, so I don't know...
all of it?

I...

Please take your seats.

The show is about to begin.

Come on, darlin'.

Thank you.

Joe!

Our friend Jim Brockmire
has been resurrected.

And as with Lazarus of Bethany,

there really is only one response

to this incredible journey.

Jesus wept.

I now present our tribute film,

"Jim Brockmire: Legend of the Booth."

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

My first memory of Jim Brockmire

was just being completely jealous

that he got to be the
youngest play-by-play man

in baseball history.

From the start there was something

delightfully off about Jim.

We would listen to the
feed of the game at ESPN,

look at each other and go,

"What the fuck did he just say?"

Am I a cartoon cat who got hit
on the head with a soup can?

Because I am seeing double...
double play!

And that'll end the inning.

And like a newly divorced dad's dinner,
Clark is frozen.

Strike three, lookin'.

Those Reds games were insane.

Whenever Kansas City
would go to Cincinnati,

Marty Brennaman would usually bring in

some top-shelf bourbon.

And Jim would get into
it during the game.

Oh, man, I'm loose.

It's like there's an electric blanket

coursing through my veins.

Uh, welcome back, folks.

You snuck up on me there.

Sorry about that, Kansas City.

Well, eventually, he'd get buzzed enough

that he'd start to bring out
"The Godfather" references.

Beltran makes a diving stab. And oh!

Look how they massacred my boy!

Top of the third now...

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

I've always been like this.

...your daughter would be
suffering this very day.

I just... I want to apologize.

This was, um, my first time...

really, like, touching a vagina.

Yeah, I figured that pretty early on.

Cool.

Any...

tips?

Maybe don't pound a cervix
like a medieval army

trying to break through a castle door.

Thank you.

- If you let me back in, I think...
- No.

Okay.

What if, maybe,

you would want to...

try something on me?

But please don't feel pressure to

if you don't want to, but, like...

Jim was never subtle
about how little he...

gave a fuck.

One time in Kansas City,

they actually held up the
start of an inning for him.

I'm so sorry.

I had about 40 ounces of
iced tea brewing down there.

Play ball! Play ball.

Jim, you are absolutely one-of-a-kind.

And I'm sure you're gonna be givin'
us all

great stories for years to come.

Probably even some tonight.

All right,
let's hear from the man himself.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Brockmire.

Whoo!

Whoo!

- We love you, Jim!
- Thank you.

That's obvious, really.

If I do say so myself,

from that tribute and
from the whole weekend.

Well...

it just seems like a lot of you

kind of love me when
I'm at my most reckless,

which is, uh...

I mean, I get it. Believe me.

Uh, it's understandable and everything.

It's just, um...

Well...

It just doesn't feel that much different

from the folks that like to laugh at me

on the Internet is all.

Joe Buck's one-man show

is looking better and better.

I think I'd be more relaxed
if I didn't see your face.

Okay, that makes sense.

And if I sang.

Okay.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪

♪ But now am found ♪

♪ Was blind but now I see ♪

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

I don't know... you know,

maybe watching this thing
just made me realize

that everybody gets to decide

the kind of man that they want to be.

And maybe true change really is possible

if we just have the will and
the self-control to be better.

And I think I have that now.

And if we need proof of that, well,

all we need to do is look at
Mr. Brent Musburger over here.

Because now he has a mustache!

There it is! Come on!

Come on, Brent.

Come on, Brent!

Musburger!

Yeah, man!

He's back, baby! The king is back!

What's the matter?

Um, the... the field is on fire.

What?!

A very friendly stranger came by,

and he set fire to the outfield.

Are you kidding?!

Jim!

Jim!

Hello?

H...

Do you think we'll keep in touch?