Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Getting There - full transcript
Abbi and Ilana go on a trip but getting to the airport ends up being a trip in itself.
Dude, I really need to Zen out.
A bird flew into my mouth this morning.
- Eww, again?
- I don't know what's going on.
Well, what could be more Zen than
yoga that's suggested donation... Free.
You catch that, suggested donation.
Free.
Ooh, so it really smells in here.
Okay, this isn't "Real
Housewives" yoga, NeNe.
Sure, it has a few flaws,
but that's the price you pay.
You catch that, that's
the price you pay.
No, I... I get it.
Ooh, I have the perfect spot.
Hey, you guys, do you
mind if we scootch?
Two of us to get in here.
Doesn't seem like enough space for us...
- It's plenty.
- Is it?
Yep, now it is.
Just enough.
♪
- Oh, yeah, you can go deeper.
- Okay.
On both shoulders. Yeah, I can feel...
And breathe in, two, three, four,
and out, two, three, four,
and release.
Yes, that's good.
♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪
Oh, God.
Hey, dude, what's up?
Yeah, girl, you ready to rumble?
Hell yeah, dude, I
just got up a while ago.
Made myself a smoothie, been packin'...
yep, all morning.
- Did you pack your
anti-depressants? - Yep.
- Your antianxiety?
- Yep.
- Please tell me antigas.
- Yep.
- Your vibrator?
- Yep.
Okay, do you have your
electric toothbrush?
Flat iron. Headbands.
85 SPF sunscreen for
your truly precious pores.
Great, we're both...
totally packed responsibly.
All right, so we're gonna be on the
first subway car at Jay Street, right?
2:45, yes. Front car... and
hey, wear something sexy.
Pssht, always do.
Jaimé, help me pack!
I have no time, fuck me, dude.
Um, okay, my toothbrush, my vibrator.
What'd she say, my meds?
I got you, mi amore,
don't you worry about it.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What?
This is Lincoln's suitcase.
Yeah.
Oh, don't cry, oh.
I just have... y'know, sometimes
I feel like he broke up with me too.
God, are you flexing?
- No.
- Can you?
- Okay.
- Oh, God, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, Abbi?
- Do we live in a zoo?
- Uh, what now?
Because I'm pretty sure
there's an elephant in the room.
You're using my suitcase.
Uh, this is not even close
to being your suitcase, this is mine.
Drew Barrymore wrote an entire
article about this suitcase.
I splurged on this.
I thought Melodie
bought me that suitcase.
- I use it so much.
- You do?
Just once.
- Okay.
- Anyhoos.
What's the hot goss with you and Trey?
You guys are so Vivian
Leigh and Laurence Olivier.
Okay, there's no hot goss.
Like, it kind of ended badly.
He's actually been switching his
shifts at the gym to avoid me.
You want me to try to talk to him?
I have a way with words.
No, thank you, Bevers, but I'm
just gonna keep packing, please.
Well, if you're not
gonna say it, I will.
I'm gonna miss you too.
And please, please text
me as soon as you land.
Get out of here!
Fine, I'll text you.
Thank you.
And you don't need to bother
cleaning up too much in here,
I'm gonna be in and out, okay?
- Thank you so much for everything.
- Yeah.
Have fun, and please leave the radio on
when you're gone for Rat
Bastard and her family.
- We can afford it.
- Yeah, of course.
All right...
Jaimé time.
Yes.
Oh, hello.
I'm gonna call you Pablo.
Hey, now.
Please don't stop.
I'm not even looking.
Just forgot my highlighters.
Nice wrist technique.
- Thank you.
- Okay, bye.
Fuck.
Hey! I saw that!
Get back here!
Shit!
I saw you!
Shit. Fuck off! Fuck you!
God dammit!
Fuck!
Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Stand clear of the doors!
Ass!
Abbi!
- Ilana!
- Yes.
Dude, I can't believe
we're actually doing this.
Yes, we're going to...
You know, sometimes the flight
is actually my favorite part.
Hit up Hudson News, get
some adult magazines.
Looking at boobs is the best
way to relax during turbulence.
It's nature's Xanax.
You know, sometimes
if I forget the mags,
- I look down at my own.
- What?
Isn't that the whole
thing with adult magazines?
Oh, I...
Okay, I was talking
about adult magazines
like "Real Simple" or "O" or "Dwell."
I was talking about that, too.
Watch this.
Attention, passengers, we'll be stopped
for an undetermined amount of time.
A passenger at the next stop
threw herself on the tracks.
Thank you for your patience.
Jesus, use a bridge.
Selfish.
It's okay. You know what?
I padded the travel time.
We are all good, we're all good.
It's not like we left
our passports or anything.
Oh, my God... oh, my God!
I left my passport.
Okay, it's been 20 minutes.
How long does it take to move
a fucking body off the tracks?
I'm sorry.
Dude, I fucking hate myself.
I am so sorry I left my passport.
I'm a fucking baby grown-up.
Do you have any tape?
Do I have any tape?
Yeah, I have tape.
A bunch of different kinds.
Really cute.
Jesus, it stinks.
Bologna?
Ugh, it's unbelievable, right?
It is unbelievable.
So salty.
Okay, so we're gonna
get off at the next stop,
Uber to your apartment, and
then book it to the airport.
Great, yes, all is good.
All is not good!
It's like 9/11 all over again.
It's 9/112!
Return of the 9/11s!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Okay, so if we don't move
in the next 30 minutes,
we have to have some
sort of escape plan.
You know, I once saw
this documentary on Vimeo
about these mole people
who live down in the subway.
I bet that they would help us.
We would probably just
have to give them our shoes
and cut off a little
bit of our hair, but...
we'll get new shoes.
Truly impressed with you at every turn.
It's been 25 minutes!
And counting.
- Okay, I have a fun game.
- Okay.
Let's say we were stuck
in a subway forever,
which is obviously not gonna happen.
- Okay.
- Who would we fuck?
Who would we marry? Who would we eat?
All right, I can do that,
'cause I feel like I know
a bunch of the answers.
Dude. Def fuck him, "Mad Men" style.
Some real standard narrative bullshit.
Crusty old dude, hot young girl,
and then I'd Abbi-Jeremy
him to even it out.
Peg.
Okay.
Marriage material right there, you know?
- Yeah.
- New Yorker.
Bet she could teach me
a thing or two, like,
how to finish an article
in the New Yorker.
I think I would marry her.
Wiccan wedding.
First dance to Wicked Wisdom.
Fist!
Uhh, you know...
Okay, I would eat that baby.
- Is that terrible of me?
- No.
- I just would.
- No, it makes perfect sense.
She looks delicious.
You would probably be sparing her a life
of tragedy and terror,
living down in the subway.
Plus, I feel like babies are, like,
the most delicious in
terms of actual meat.
- Desperate times.
- Calling for desperate measures.
And who are we to judge
our post-apocalyptic selves?
What part would you eat first?
Which part is the most tender?
Probably like, the side or the butt.
Dude, let me try something.
Stand up.
Okay.
Dear God.
Please make this subway move.
Ilana, that's not how it works.
You can't just rub my
butt, and the train...
Ow!
Did it again, the power
of the butt, bitch.
I'm really happy we didn't
have to eat the baby.
Yeah. Happy.
Where are we, dude?
It says we're on Sutphin
Boulevard in Queens.
Jesus Christ!
Uber surge fare is 12.5.
They really reel you in,
and then they wring you fucking dry
with their grubby little
paws right around your neck.
Then they make you type
in the surge fare again,
it's like, I know... I know what it is.
- It is so rude.
- God.
The ride estimator says it
would be approximately...
$1,200 from here to Gowanus back to JFK.
I hate them. I love
them, but I hate them.
- Oh, my God. This is a sign.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- We hotwire that cab,
drive ourselves within
walking distance to JFK,
soak it in gasoline, and torch it
so they can't trace it... Let's go.
I was gonna say maybe we could just
knock on the door and see
if they could drive us.
Oh, let's try that first.
Okay.
Okay.
- Hello.
- Hello, sir.
I know that this is ridiculous,
but we would like to hire
you to drive us in your taxi.
To a few destinations.
I couldn't be more off-duty.
Work is the worst, right?
I get that, but listen,
we would not be asking if
it was not an emergency.
Please, we're over on our way
to a really important trip,
and I'm such a moron,
I forgot my passport, so, I'm in trouble
with the wife, you can understand.
And we can't find any cabs out
here in the middle of nowhere.
This beautiful neighborhood,
it's gorgeous out here.
- Quaint.
- Lovely, I might look at some...
- So sweet.
- To buy or some...
- I don't know, rent, whatever.
- Plus, there are good schools around here.
We are begging you.
We just need to get her passport
and then get to JFK, or
we're gonna miss our flight
and the trip of a lifetime. Please.
How about...
A crisp $100 bill from my bra?
Okay.
All right, I guess we'll just...
Let's roll.
"Fast and Furious" over here.
How old are you?
15.
Okay, we're coming
around the corner in five,
four, three...
Hold on. An old lady is pushing
a baby stroller full of
empty cans across the street.
Waiting.
She's almost across.
Okay, now we're coming
around the corner.
Can you see my arm? I'm in the cab.
Do you see me? I see you.
Okay, Anhur, slow down,
- but don't stop.
- I gotcha, girl.
- Hey!
- Hi, honey.
- Here's your passport, bye!
- Thank you.
- Yes! To the airport!
- Love you, Himmelz!
Bye-bye, baby!
Ooh, whoops!
Oh, my brakes! Ay, my brakes!
Ay! Hold me closer, closer, closer.
Yes, ay!
- Thank you.
- Wait, wait, so...
You only get so many
important moments in your life,
and you have to grasp them.
Will you go to prom with me?
Both of you? Or one of you?
I don't care... I think I love you both.
Can you be in love with two people?
Yes, you definitely can.
That is one of the most
dangerous misconceptions
about monogamy, but we can't go with you
because you're a literal child.
We're extremely flattered, though.
You clearly have amazing taste.
Yeah, and don't worry,
you're gonna have sex one day.
I've had sex.
Look at all my fucking bracelets.
What the fuck are fucking bracelets?
Kids are terrifying.
- Sorry.
- So sorry.
- This is ridiculous.
- I'm so sorry.
We just have to cut 'cause
we forgot our passport!
You know, you can understand.
I'm so sorry, we just
gotta slip right past.
Right, right past.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that.
- Sorry, thank you so much.
So sorry.
Hey, do you mind if we cut?
We're late for a flight.
- Oh, yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you so much.
Okay.
Oh, dude, Ilana, shit, dude.
Your period stain.
No, dude, it's an old stain.
It's a red herring, 'cause it's
red and looks like a fish, kinda.
I'm packing. I'm packing heat.
I have weed in my vaginé.
Period pants are the ultimate decoy!
If we get caught at the
airport, we're gonna...
Whoa!
This dog is sexually harassing me!
I am so sorry.
Popcorn, get away from her!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
God! My period pants worked!
Dude, we should Shark Tank
period pants, for real!
Okay. Let's roll.
What the fuck!
Leave it! I'll leave mine!
No, dude, it's our whole luggage!
- There, look!
- Hey!
Not today, put it down!
Oh, I was just trying to
take it to the lost and...
Yeah, sure you were!
- Sure!
- Piece of shit!
Sorry!
I'm gonna throw up.
Coming through! Coming through!
What a sexy stare you have.
It's scary, too.
Yes!
Wait! We're... We're going to...
Gate's changed. That
flight's back in B-12 now.
Come on, fuck on!
Hey, how's it going. Nice shirt.
Come on, come on!
You should have taken the walkway.
So stubborn.
Hey, you grabbed our boards, bro!
Ilana!
I got an extra ticket, let's do this!
Do what, Dale?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Oh! Sorry!
- You fucking bitch!
- I didn't mean to hit you.
We are... We're on this flight.
It hasn't left yet. Please.
I was just trying to
get one foot in the door.
It's a shoe, not a foot,
and it hit me, not a door.
The plane is still there,
we can still make it,
- please, please, just let us on.
- We're so close.
You know what? Just,
just go ahead, yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so much.
We really appreciate it.
We all hate her.
Thank you.
You are two lucky Jews.
We think so, too.
- Yes, we did it!
- Yes, we did it!
Get on the fucking plane!
- Sorry.
- Go.
Oh, my God, we fucking made it!
Oh, God, I cannot believe we made it.
This is the longest
ramp I've ever been on.
I am so sorry, ladies.
There is no more space in
the overhead compartments,
we'll have to check your luggage.
Actually, yours will probably be okay.
So sleek and streamlined.
Lincoln... had really
adult taste in luggage.
This is actually a
really special bag, too.
- It's Drew's.
- Sorry, this is not your bag?
No, no, no, it's mine... I packed it.
It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore
highly recommends this bag.
If you Google, in quotes, "Refinery 29,"
in quotes, "Drew Barrymore."
That's amazing.
Unfortunately, Drew Barrymore is
the only person who could
carry on something that bulky.
This is gonna have
to go under the plane.
Okay, hold on. This bag is the bomb.
Please just let me...
I'm sure there's a spot.
Okay, I'm gonna shut these doors
and take off.
Would you like to come with us?
Mark, can you come get this bag, please?
- I'll take your ticket.
- Thanks.
Do you think it's gonna be okay?
I'm sure your bag is in really...
good hands.
Thanks so much.
Whoa! Nice!
International travel is amazing.
No, this is first class.
We gotta keep going.
Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice?
Orange juice it is.
Oh, my God.
I know, who chooses
juice over champagne?
Ew, coach.
Hello. Um...
Ilana.
- Hi.
- And...
- Abbi.
- Yes.
I'm Jared. Welcome to Birthmarc.
Surf's up.
Oh, cool.
For the next ten days,
we will be traveling
around the holiest place
in the world, Israel.
For free!
- Gotcha, Jews.
- Makes no sense.
Well, our beautiful country
will teach you all about
Judaism, its rich history,
and I'm looking at the two of you,
its reproductive future.
We're almost home.
- I see.
- Cool.
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Dude, we better not make
any new friends on this trip.
- It's not about friends.
- Right.
- It's that it's free.
- It's about Israel.
It's like Africa for Jews.
It's about our souls.
People find their
selves in the motherland.
- Jews! Jews!
- All right, ladies.
Where are you seated?
- Uh... 5-B.
- I'm 18D.
No!
- No, no, no, no!
- Oh, my God!
- No, no, no, no, no...
- Wait, hold on.
- Okay.
- Uh, ladies, is there something wrong?
Yes. Jared. What's up?
We love the trip so far.
We would love it even more
if we could sit next to each other.
This is an all-expense
paid trip to Israel,
provided by your living ancestors,
so we're seated according
to match potential.
- Okay.
- All right.
Okay.
You'll meet somebody
very nice, I'm sure.
Hey. I'm Josh.
I'm a junior accountant,
I write short stories in my spare time,
and I'm a tough mudder champion.
What? I'm grieving.
I've just experienced a loss.
Would it kill you to try?
Ugh.
Enchanté.
I miss you.
I miss you!
To be continued.
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
A bird flew into my mouth this morning.
- Eww, again?
- I don't know what's going on.
Well, what could be more Zen than
yoga that's suggested donation... Free.
You catch that, suggested donation.
Free.
Ooh, so it really smells in here.
Okay, this isn't "Real
Housewives" yoga, NeNe.
Sure, it has a few flaws,
but that's the price you pay.
You catch that, that's
the price you pay.
No, I... I get it.
Ooh, I have the perfect spot.
Hey, you guys, do you
mind if we scootch?
Two of us to get in here.
Doesn't seem like enough space for us...
- It's plenty.
- Is it?
Yep, now it is.
Just enough.
♪
- Oh, yeah, you can go deeper.
- Okay.
On both shoulders. Yeah, I can feel...
And breathe in, two, three, four,
and out, two, three, four,
and release.
Yes, that's good.
♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪
Oh, God.
Hey, dude, what's up?
Yeah, girl, you ready to rumble?
Hell yeah, dude, I
just got up a while ago.
Made myself a smoothie, been packin'...
yep, all morning.
- Did you pack your
anti-depressants? - Yep.
- Your antianxiety?
- Yep.
- Please tell me antigas.
- Yep.
- Your vibrator?
- Yep.
Okay, do you have your
electric toothbrush?
Flat iron. Headbands.
85 SPF sunscreen for
your truly precious pores.
Great, we're both...
totally packed responsibly.
All right, so we're gonna be on the
first subway car at Jay Street, right?
2:45, yes. Front car... and
hey, wear something sexy.
Pssht, always do.
Jaimé, help me pack!
I have no time, fuck me, dude.
Um, okay, my toothbrush, my vibrator.
What'd she say, my meds?
I got you, mi amore,
don't you worry about it.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What?
This is Lincoln's suitcase.
Yeah.
Oh, don't cry, oh.
I just have... y'know, sometimes
I feel like he broke up with me too.
God, are you flexing?
- No.
- Can you?
- Okay.
- Oh, God, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, Abbi?
- Do we live in a zoo?
- Uh, what now?
Because I'm pretty sure
there's an elephant in the room.
You're using my suitcase.
Uh, this is not even close
to being your suitcase, this is mine.
Drew Barrymore wrote an entire
article about this suitcase.
I splurged on this.
I thought Melodie
bought me that suitcase.
- I use it so much.
- You do?
Just once.
- Okay.
- Anyhoos.
What's the hot goss with you and Trey?
You guys are so Vivian
Leigh and Laurence Olivier.
Okay, there's no hot goss.
Like, it kind of ended badly.
He's actually been switching his
shifts at the gym to avoid me.
You want me to try to talk to him?
I have a way with words.
No, thank you, Bevers, but I'm
just gonna keep packing, please.
Well, if you're not
gonna say it, I will.
I'm gonna miss you too.
And please, please text
me as soon as you land.
Get out of here!
Fine, I'll text you.
Thank you.
And you don't need to bother
cleaning up too much in here,
I'm gonna be in and out, okay?
- Thank you so much for everything.
- Yeah.
Have fun, and please leave the radio on
when you're gone for Rat
Bastard and her family.
- We can afford it.
- Yeah, of course.
All right...
Jaimé time.
Yes.
Oh, hello.
I'm gonna call you Pablo.
Hey, now.
Please don't stop.
I'm not even looking.
Just forgot my highlighters.
Nice wrist technique.
- Thank you.
- Okay, bye.
Fuck.
Hey! I saw that!
Get back here!
Shit!
I saw you!
Shit. Fuck off! Fuck you!
God dammit!
Fuck!
Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Stand clear of the doors!
Ass!
Abbi!
- Ilana!
- Yes.
Dude, I can't believe
we're actually doing this.
Yes, we're going to...
You know, sometimes the flight
is actually my favorite part.
Hit up Hudson News, get
some adult magazines.
Looking at boobs is the best
way to relax during turbulence.
It's nature's Xanax.
You know, sometimes
if I forget the mags,
- I look down at my own.
- What?
Isn't that the whole
thing with adult magazines?
Oh, I...
Okay, I was talking
about adult magazines
like "Real Simple" or "O" or "Dwell."
I was talking about that, too.
Watch this.
Attention, passengers, we'll be stopped
for an undetermined amount of time.
A passenger at the next stop
threw herself on the tracks.
Thank you for your patience.
Jesus, use a bridge.
Selfish.
It's okay. You know what?
I padded the travel time.
We are all good, we're all good.
It's not like we left
our passports or anything.
Oh, my God... oh, my God!
I left my passport.
Okay, it's been 20 minutes.
How long does it take to move
a fucking body off the tracks?
I'm sorry.
Dude, I fucking hate myself.
I am so sorry I left my passport.
I'm a fucking baby grown-up.
Do you have any tape?
Do I have any tape?
Yeah, I have tape.
A bunch of different kinds.
Really cute.
Jesus, it stinks.
Bologna?
Ugh, it's unbelievable, right?
It is unbelievable.
So salty.
Okay, so we're gonna
get off at the next stop,
Uber to your apartment, and
then book it to the airport.
Great, yes, all is good.
All is not good!
It's like 9/11 all over again.
It's 9/112!
Return of the 9/11s!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Okay, so if we don't move
in the next 30 minutes,
we have to have some
sort of escape plan.
You know, I once saw
this documentary on Vimeo
about these mole people
who live down in the subway.
I bet that they would help us.
We would probably just
have to give them our shoes
and cut off a little
bit of our hair, but...
we'll get new shoes.
Truly impressed with you at every turn.
It's been 25 minutes!
And counting.
- Okay, I have a fun game.
- Okay.
Let's say we were stuck
in a subway forever,
which is obviously not gonna happen.
- Okay.
- Who would we fuck?
Who would we marry? Who would we eat?
All right, I can do that,
'cause I feel like I know
a bunch of the answers.
Dude. Def fuck him, "Mad Men" style.
Some real standard narrative bullshit.
Crusty old dude, hot young girl,
and then I'd Abbi-Jeremy
him to even it out.
Peg.
Okay.
Marriage material right there, you know?
- Yeah.
- New Yorker.
Bet she could teach me
a thing or two, like,
how to finish an article
in the New Yorker.
I think I would marry her.
Wiccan wedding.
First dance to Wicked Wisdom.
Fist!
Uhh, you know...
Okay, I would eat that baby.
- Is that terrible of me?
- No.
- I just would.
- No, it makes perfect sense.
She looks delicious.
You would probably be sparing her a life
of tragedy and terror,
living down in the subway.
Plus, I feel like babies are, like,
the most delicious in
terms of actual meat.
- Desperate times.
- Calling for desperate measures.
And who are we to judge
our post-apocalyptic selves?
What part would you eat first?
Which part is the most tender?
Probably like, the side or the butt.
Dude, let me try something.
Stand up.
Okay.
Dear God.
Please make this subway move.
Ilana, that's not how it works.
You can't just rub my
butt, and the train...
Ow!
Did it again, the power
of the butt, bitch.
I'm really happy we didn't
have to eat the baby.
Yeah. Happy.
Where are we, dude?
It says we're on Sutphin
Boulevard in Queens.
Jesus Christ!
Uber surge fare is 12.5.
They really reel you in,
and then they wring you fucking dry
with their grubby little
paws right around your neck.
Then they make you type
in the surge fare again,
it's like, I know... I know what it is.
- It is so rude.
- God.
The ride estimator says it
would be approximately...
$1,200 from here to Gowanus back to JFK.
I hate them. I love
them, but I hate them.
- Oh, my God. This is a sign.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- We hotwire that cab,
drive ourselves within
walking distance to JFK,
soak it in gasoline, and torch it
so they can't trace it... Let's go.
I was gonna say maybe we could just
knock on the door and see
if they could drive us.
Oh, let's try that first.
Okay.
Okay.
- Hello.
- Hello, sir.
I know that this is ridiculous,
but we would like to hire
you to drive us in your taxi.
To a few destinations.
I couldn't be more off-duty.
Work is the worst, right?
I get that, but listen,
we would not be asking if
it was not an emergency.
Please, we're over on our way
to a really important trip,
and I'm such a moron,
I forgot my passport, so, I'm in trouble
with the wife, you can understand.
And we can't find any cabs out
here in the middle of nowhere.
This beautiful neighborhood,
it's gorgeous out here.
- Quaint.
- Lovely, I might look at some...
- So sweet.
- To buy or some...
- I don't know, rent, whatever.
- Plus, there are good schools around here.
We are begging you.
We just need to get her passport
and then get to JFK, or
we're gonna miss our flight
and the trip of a lifetime. Please.
How about...
A crisp $100 bill from my bra?
Okay.
All right, I guess we'll just...
Let's roll.
"Fast and Furious" over here.
How old are you?
15.
Okay, we're coming
around the corner in five,
four, three...
Hold on. An old lady is pushing
a baby stroller full of
empty cans across the street.
Waiting.
She's almost across.
Okay, now we're coming
around the corner.
Can you see my arm? I'm in the cab.
Do you see me? I see you.
Okay, Anhur, slow down,
- but don't stop.
- I gotcha, girl.
- Hey!
- Hi, honey.
- Here's your passport, bye!
- Thank you.
- Yes! To the airport!
- Love you, Himmelz!
Bye-bye, baby!
Ooh, whoops!
Oh, my brakes! Ay, my brakes!
Ay! Hold me closer, closer, closer.
Yes, ay!
- Thank you.
- Wait, wait, so...
You only get so many
important moments in your life,
and you have to grasp them.
Will you go to prom with me?
Both of you? Or one of you?
I don't care... I think I love you both.
Can you be in love with two people?
Yes, you definitely can.
That is one of the most
dangerous misconceptions
about monogamy, but we can't go with you
because you're a literal child.
We're extremely flattered, though.
You clearly have amazing taste.
Yeah, and don't worry,
you're gonna have sex one day.
I've had sex.
Look at all my fucking bracelets.
What the fuck are fucking bracelets?
Kids are terrifying.
- Sorry.
- So sorry.
- This is ridiculous.
- I'm so sorry.
We just have to cut 'cause
we forgot our passport!
You know, you can understand.
I'm so sorry, we just
gotta slip right past.
Right, right past.
- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that.
- Sorry, thank you so much.
So sorry.
Hey, do you mind if we cut?
We're late for a flight.
- Oh, yeah, go ahead.
- Thank you so much.
Okay.
Oh, dude, Ilana, shit, dude.
Your period stain.
No, dude, it's an old stain.
It's a red herring, 'cause it's
red and looks like a fish, kinda.
I'm packing. I'm packing heat.
I have weed in my vaginé.
Period pants are the ultimate decoy!
If we get caught at the
airport, we're gonna...
Whoa!
This dog is sexually harassing me!
I am so sorry.
Popcorn, get away from her!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
God! My period pants worked!
Dude, we should Shark Tank
period pants, for real!
Okay. Let's roll.
What the fuck!
Leave it! I'll leave mine!
No, dude, it's our whole luggage!
- There, look!
- Hey!
Not today, put it down!
Oh, I was just trying to
take it to the lost and...
Yeah, sure you were!
- Sure!
- Piece of shit!
Sorry!
I'm gonna throw up.
Coming through! Coming through!
What a sexy stare you have.
It's scary, too.
Yes!
Wait! We're... We're going to...
Gate's changed. That
flight's back in B-12 now.
Come on, fuck on!
Hey, how's it going. Nice shirt.
Come on, come on!
You should have taken the walkway.
So stubborn.
Hey, you grabbed our boards, bro!
Ilana!
I got an extra ticket, let's do this!
Do what, Dale?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Oh! Sorry!
- You fucking bitch!
- I didn't mean to hit you.
We are... We're on this flight.
It hasn't left yet. Please.
I was just trying to
get one foot in the door.
It's a shoe, not a foot,
and it hit me, not a door.
The plane is still there,
we can still make it,
- please, please, just let us on.
- We're so close.
You know what? Just,
just go ahead, yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so much.
We really appreciate it.
We all hate her.
Thank you.
You are two lucky Jews.
We think so, too.
- Yes, we did it!
- Yes, we did it!
Get on the fucking plane!
- Sorry.
- Go.
Oh, my God, we fucking made it!
Oh, God, I cannot believe we made it.
This is the longest
ramp I've ever been on.
I am so sorry, ladies.
There is no more space in
the overhead compartments,
we'll have to check your luggage.
Actually, yours will probably be okay.
So sleek and streamlined.
Lincoln... had really
adult taste in luggage.
This is actually a
really special bag, too.
- It's Drew's.
- Sorry, this is not your bag?
No, no, no, it's mine... I packed it.
It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore
highly recommends this bag.
If you Google, in quotes, "Refinery 29,"
in quotes, "Drew Barrymore."
That's amazing.
Unfortunately, Drew Barrymore is
the only person who could
carry on something that bulky.
This is gonna have
to go under the plane.
Okay, hold on. This bag is the bomb.
Please just let me...
I'm sure there's a spot.
Okay, I'm gonna shut these doors
and take off.
Would you like to come with us?
Mark, can you come get this bag, please?
- I'll take your ticket.
- Thanks.
Do you think it's gonna be okay?
I'm sure your bag is in really...
good hands.
Thanks so much.
Whoa! Nice!
International travel is amazing.
No, this is first class.
We gotta keep going.
Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice?
Orange juice it is.
Oh, my God.
I know, who chooses
juice over champagne?
Ew, coach.
Hello. Um...
Ilana.
- Hi.
- And...
- Abbi.
- Yes.
I'm Jared. Welcome to Birthmarc.
Surf's up.
Oh, cool.
For the next ten days,
we will be traveling
around the holiest place
in the world, Israel.
For free!
- Gotcha, Jews.
- Makes no sense.
Well, our beautiful country
will teach you all about
Judaism, its rich history,
and I'm looking at the two of you,
its reproductive future.
We're almost home.
- I see.
- Cool.
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Dude, we better not make
any new friends on this trip.
- It's not about friends.
- Right.
- It's that it's free.
- It's about Israel.
It's like Africa for Jews.
It's about our souls.
People find their
selves in the motherland.
- Jews! Jews!
- All right, ladies.
Where are you seated?
- Uh... 5-B.
- I'm 18D.
No!
- No, no, no, no!
- Oh, my God!
- No, no, no, no, no...
- Wait, hold on.
- Okay.
- Uh, ladies, is there something wrong?
Yes. Jared. What's up?
We love the trip so far.
We would love it even more
if we could sit next to each other.
This is an all-expense
paid trip to Israel,
provided by your living ancestors,
so we're seated according
to match potential.
- Okay.
- All right.
Okay.
You'll meet somebody
very nice, I'm sure.
Hey. I'm Josh.
I'm a junior accountant,
I write short stories in my spare time,
and I'm a tough mudder champion.
What? I'm grieving.
I've just experienced a loss.
Would it kill you to try?
Ugh.
Enchanté.
I miss you.
I miss you!
To be continued.
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!
Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!