Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Burning Bridges - full transcript

I still can't believe you
have to take a drug test.

I know. The man gets off sniffing
America's piss these days.

You know that my pee probably
won't pass a drug test either?

I know, but at least it's, like,
human level. It's less embarrassing.

- Right.
- God, I have such swamp ass.

Dude, thongs are the best.
It eliminates an entire layer.

Plus, it soaks up all the
sweat in your... butt crack.

I still cannot believe
you are such a thong head.

It's not for me. It's butt floss.

Thank you so much. Love this look.

I love this look.



God, we're hot.

God, my butt itches.

Yeah, man titties.

Abbi?

Can I, uh, buy you an
ice coffee real quick?

♪ Four and three and
two and one, one ♪♪

Oh, that's amazing.

Oh.

I hope you're not
talking about the kegels.

I was not.

Oh, um, hey, Ab.

Would you maybe want to get, uh,
um, dinner if you're free later?

You mean like a date?

Well, yeah. My treat.



Um, I don't know if that's,
like, our thing, right?

Well, yeah. But, you know how when
we have sex you tell me not to talk

so you can concentrate, which
I-I totally get. I get it, but...

Um, I just thought, you know, if might
be nice if we have an actual conversation.

Um, yeah.

Okay...

I don't have dinner plans yet.

No... I don't... I mean don't
have dinner plans yet, right?

Is that what you just
asked me? To do dinner?

Awesome sauce.

- Okay.
- Oh, you don't have to.

Um, I, uh, I actually
finished when you said yes.

Aww.

I definitely didn't though.

Oh, Madonna.

Rihanna.

Ilana.

Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.

- Hey, Bonita!
- Hey.

Hey, what are you doing? Come on.

Hi, baby. Do you want a peach, baby?

Do you like a peach? Yeah.

You have got to be kidding me.

We have been doing
business for how long?

I mean... ah!

Hello.

There's been a terrible accident.

Oh my God.

Not us, on the LIE.

Tractor-trailer, overturned.

Bloody, bloody... oh, it's so sad.

You buried the lead. Don't do that.

1010 WINS says we're
gonna be an hour late,

but Google Map says
20, so... who knows...

I don't trust Google Maps.
It's the cops tracking us.

Steering us away from
their own corruption.

Wag the dog, Ilana.

Wag. The. Dog.

Well, happy anniversary, guys.

- Aww, thank you, sweetheart.
- Love, love, love you.

I'm so excited to see you later.

Love you, bye.

We can do this. Somebody'll get up.

- We got this.
- Just wait it out.

- Okay.
- Oh, shit.

- Hey!
- No!

I saw you see us see you!

Fuck you.

- So angry.
- Yeah.

Inappropriate.

Oh, here's one.

Oh, it only has one chair.

Okay, we can do this.

Alright, oh, I'll grab a chair.
He's just using it a foot rest.

Hi, can I grab this?

Oh, sorry. I'm using it.

Oh, totally, but we're actually
two people. We just wanna both sit.

No, no. I'm-I'm using the chair.

I mean...

we all wish we could have
ottomans in the park...

Are you deaf? Like, I'm using the chair.

- Okay, I'm gonna take the chair.
- I said...

No... 'cause you're, like, being
a dick. I'm gonna take the chair.

Oh, my God. Okay, I'm just gonna...

No, don't touch... Don't touch it.

- No, I'm not...
- Leave it.

- No, alright, I...
- You know what?

- You can take the chair. Take the chair.
- I can't... I'm not taking the chair.

- You own this chair.
- Please, please take the chair.

- No, no, okay, I just sorry.
- Don't touch me.

- Don't touch me.
- Okay, I would not.

- I would not.
- Take the chair...

- I'm not gonna take it.
- And go... Bye.

- Okay. Okay.
- Bye. Thank you.

I just straight up asked
that couple over there.

They're so sweet.

Hi. Cuties... thanks.

Man, I feel like I haven't
seen you in "lit-roll" days.

God, you're glowing.
Your skin is glowing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What have you been doing?

Just been busy with Trey...

Ning.

Training with Trey. Y'know?

He's just been on me.

So annoying. Get him off.

I would not get him off!

What?

You trippin', boo.

I don't wanna Ta... I don't think
we should talk about it anymore.

We should talk about positive
stuff like your parents, dude.

- Your parents.
- I know.

35 years! That is impressive.

Oh my God, I didn't even ask you.

You can totally come to their
anniversary dinner tonight.

- We would love to have you.
- No, it's cool.

- It's a family thing.
- Girl, you're family.

You know, unless you have plans.

I-I-I... uh, I do
actually have plans.

Cool, whatcha doin'?

Yeah.

What are your plans tonight?

I...

am...

Training Shania Twain.

Are you kidding me?

- No.
- That is hysterical.

That is your go to lie.

I know, but not now.

Oh my God. That does
impress-ah me much.

Don't keep it from me.

- I wouldn't.
- Don't keep anything from me.

- I wouldn't.
- You know, it could kill me.

- Right.
- It kills me!

To feel any distance here.

- That's all.
- Totally. I would not do that.

- Love ya.
- I love you, too.

Wow.

Is that Lincoln?

Oh, my gee, Lincoln. Come here.

What are you doin'?

Hey. What's up?

'Sup, Ab?

I was waiting for you guys to finish

so we could talk privately.

Oh.

Me?

I have to go.

Later, Lincoln.

Later, Ab.

Hello.

Watching that ass walk
away makes me sweat, too.

No, I...

I need to talk about something.

Some stuff was at my place

that I need to return to you.

Why are you giving the ring back to me?

That's what I needed
to talk with you about.

I've been seein' that girl, as you know.

And have encouraged.

And it's gotten to the point where
I need to talk to you about it.

"Final-lee," some
juicy, fucking details.

- I want the play by play.
- No, no, no.

- Frame by frame.
- No.

I wanna be monogamous.

I'm sorry, we've...

talked about this so
many times, I just...

- It's just not for me.
- No, with the other girl.

Our arrangement is perfect
for me, just as it is.

We wanna be monogamous with each other.

No we don't. You're not listening even.

We haven't had a
threesome with a boy yet.

I'm talking about Steph.

She's my girlfriend now, Ilana.

We're together.

Uh...

okay.

- Cool.
- Listen, Ilana.

I love you, but, I wanna
be in a relationship

and you wanna do other
stuff, which is fine.

That's cool, but...

we want different things,
so, I gotta move on.

But we can still hang out as friends.

Obviously.

I don't think we're just friends.

So...

No.

Well, uh, we will talk when we talk

and I'll see you when I see you

in a more professional
capacity from here on out, uh,

- which is great.
- Ilana, you good? You wanna...

- Yep, great.
- Hang out for a little bit...

Oh, no, I'm gonna head out,

'cause this is just
cool and how life goes.

So, that's it. I'll see you.

That's... see ya.

Lincoln, wait.

She's still running.

Her running is a metaphor.

Whoa, Ab.

What's up with that outfit?

It's confused.

I'm going on a date.

All right, girl. Just the
deets. I know the person?

Anybody I know? Who is it?

Okay. Yeah, you know.

You know him.

Who? Who?

- Who, who, who, who, who?
- I'm, like, embarrassed about it.

I'm not... I'm not embarrassed about
it, but I've been in denial about it.

- Like I haven't even told Ilana.
- Ooh.

Am I at the farmer's market
'cause this is so juicy.

- Okay.
- It's a peach.

The white peaches at
the farmer's market.

Okay. Uh...

it's Trey.

- My Trey?
- Well...

Why would you be embarrassed?

I mean, I'm obviously straight,
but I would absolutely suck him dry.

- Okay. Thanks so much, Bevers.
- No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'll be good, I'll
be good, I'll be good.

So what are we trying
to say with this outfit?

I don't know.

I just need the look
to say that I want to be

sex friends only.

All right, got it.

Let's figure something out that's
gonna let you maintain that status quo.

- Okay.
- Before we get started...

Will you give me some dick deets?

Knee caps, baby.

Those thighs could crack a coconut.

Make me a "Vaginia-colada".

- Yes!
- Is this what you do?

I love this.

Oh, mommy, I would sip Dem
milkbags like a Capri Sun.

You Betty me "Veron-ing" ya.

Yowza, baby.

All right, now you're going too far.

Oh, here we go.

Strong back muscles.

Butt clenched... I like 'em nervous.

I'd wrap my thighs around
that big basketball head.

- Yeah?
- Ew, what the fuck.

- Oh, Ilana. That's your brother.
- That was bad.

- No, I'm really excited, thank you so much.
- That was so bad.

- That sucked.
- Yeah, it really was not a good place to go.

Oh my God, guys. I have some big news.

Oh, I have big news, too.

You know your sister was just
talking about you sexually.

- Ew, what?
- I didn't know.

Sorry, but CrossFit is shredding you.

Please. Incest would destroy
our already weak bloodlines.

Anxiety, depression, enough.

- Let's go kids.
- Okay.

Oh.

Guess I'll save it.

Mask up.

The empire waist is reading very Mormon.

You're beggin' to have his babies.

Let's move on.

- Ugh... Next!
- What?

Don't waste my time.

Mask up.

Mainline skirt is a flattering silhouette
for your hourglass figure, but...

- it's reading a little too sexy.
- Really?

I mean, we could let the
seam out an inch or two,

make it a little less
form fitting, but...

those legs, I mean, you just
got those slut legs sticking out.

How the fuck do you know
this much about fashion.

You know, I worked every summer at my
Grandma's department store in St. Louis.

Lord and Bevers.

Oh.

Um, 'Kay, mask down.

Mask up.

I don't know why I
didn't try it on first.

Okay.

Hi.

I am meeting a Mr. Trey...

- Oh, Mr. Pucker.
- Yeah.

He arrived about a half an hour ago.

- Am I late?
- No.

- He was just very early. Follow me.
- Okay.

Half an hour.

- Abbi.
- Hey, Trey.

Hey, you look awesome.

- Thanks, wow. Thank you.
- Here you go.

- Fancy.
- How about this table, huh?

- Oh, it's a great table.
- Check out the menu. It's so tight.

I even moved my cheat day in
case you wanna split stuff,

share aps, whatever you wanna do.

I moved my cheat day, too.

- So we can eat whatever we want.
- Great.

Hi, what would you like?

- Hey, I-I know.
- II could...

Um... Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna do the pan roasted
turbot with fennel pollen aioli,

prosciutto, borlotti beans,
parsnips, turnips and carrots.

- So the Turbot. Yeah.
- Uh, I'm gonna do the chicken.

- Alright, very good.
- Great.

- Cool.
- Thanks.

Well...

Okay.

To new beginnings.

Yeah...

But also,

to how it is.

Now.

- Presently.
- Yes.

- You know? Do you understand?
- Yeah.

- To the present. To the present.
- To right now... yeah.

- Let's cheers.
- Awesome.

Awesome.

That's good... You know what?
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

- I'll be right back.
- Alright, yeah. Make room.

Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?

Uh, there's one right over there
and then there's one down the stairs.

Great, thanks.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck me.

So what's that plant called? That plant.

- Sansevieria.
- "Senseverion."

- No, no.
- I caught you.

Oh, my sweet girl,

you surprised me on my anniversary.

Surprise...

Look who I found tip toeing
around trying to surprise us.

- Can you believe this little sneak.
- I'm-I'm sneakin'.

- Sit, sit.
- Ab, have yourself a lei.

Bob and I are going to Hawaii.

- Thank you.
- I surprised her.

At first, she was mad
and then she was glad.

Just because now I need all new sarongs,
but, you know what, It's fine. It's fine.

I'm happy to go.

You pretty little liar.

Shania my ass.

I'm not mad, though, because
you surprised my family.

I love this. I love this!

Everyone is happy and
nothing has changed.

I am very vulnerable right now,
so I'm gonna need to fill you in

later when I'm not around...

- Cannot handle her questions.
- Okay.

I guess we're just gonna have
to toast to honesty then, huh?

Could we get lychee
martinis for the whole table.

Alright, are we ready to order?

- Yeah, Arthur, you go first.
- Okay, well, I'm...

I'm gonna have the duck.

With extra breast.

Wasn't that... that was that was funny.

Mmm, all right.

I'm gonna have the chicken.

Please. I love chicken.

Uh, I'm gonna have the baked

- portabella mushroom wellington, please.
- Oh, I like that.

I will have the prawns,

but I have to have the curry sauce on
the side. I can't handle that kinda heat.

And...

- Pork chop, babe.
- Thank you.

So, Abbi, we have incredible news.

- Okay.
- We got the cemetery plot!

We had a bidding war, but
it was totally worth it,

because we're under this
beautiful, beautiful tree.

And, also, most of all, we are
nowhere near the Schwartz's.

No.

Mazel. Tov.

Oh, man.

Oh.

I forgot to... I need to pla...

I need to replace my
bandage. 'Cause it's fallen.

It's fallen loose.

It's ba... It's gonna
be bad if I don't go.

Imma be right back. Go to the bathroom.

Huh.

Hi, you have the wrong
menu. I'm just gonna take it.

This is great... options.
You guys are cute.

- Hey, there you are.
- Hi.

Was gettin' worried you fell in.

I did. It was a big toilet.

- You did?
- No, I didn't fall in.

So, two things.

One, I got you something.

Oh... okay.

- It's a...
- Corsage! Yeah.

You know how you said you
didn't go to prom? Well...

Yeah.

It's kind of a joke, but...
it's also real.

Thank you. That is so nice.

- Put it on.
- Here?

- Yeah.
- Uh, okay.

See, it's funny, but it's also pretty.

You look awesome.

Uh, the other thing: today I found out

I qualified for
"American Ninja Warrior."

Shut up! Trey, I fucking love that show.

- You do?
- Yeah, are you kidding?

Congrats, this is amazing.

- You should come with me.
- No...

Yeah, you could totally
stretch me out or something.

Uh, yeah, I am the master stretcher.

Come on.

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

Wow.

- We'll start with your legs.
- Great.

And then I could stretch the upper body.

- We can start wherever you want.
- Okay.

- Oh, this is so hot.
- Yeah.

My wife's totally pumpin'
and dumpin' like 40 feet away.

Really?

Well...

- For real.
- Well, yeah.

What'd you think?

Are you guys, like, chill,
or, like, open relationship?

What, are you retarded?

Open relationships are unstable.

Cheating is victimless.

Yeah... this is... this is done.

I don't even know what I'm doing.

And lose the nipple rings.

Where were you, Miss Ilana?

I was taking a shit if you have to know.

- Ilana...
- I have something to say.

You guys must be a really
amazing team if you had two

perfect children and have
stayed together for 35 years.

Wow. It was quite a shit, huh?

Ah, fresh Lychee's.

- Oh great.
- Let's toast.

- Oh, gosh.
- Where's Abbi?

So, these are my twin sisters.
They're my best friends.

- I mean, they got all the brains, honestly.
- Mm-hm, lovely.

It's just genetics, you know?

And, uh, they're teachers right
now. They teach middle school.

They pretend to be the same person.

It's genius.

Whoa. Uh... hello.

Doctor?

What do you mean, "Test results"?

You have them.

I have to get this... this is important.

- I'm so sorry, it's rude.
- Take it, take the call.

Okay. I'll be right back.

She's always sick.

There she is.

Fresh Lychee's, Ab.

Where'd you get the corsage, Ab?

I ran into my florist.

"My florist," excuse me, Queen of Sheba.

Okay, back to business.

- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!
You guys are just love!

Oh, Jesus.

My diaphragm...

I left it...

Cathy comic.

- I left my diaphragm.
- Diaphragm?

Yeah, I've just started using it.

And I gotta go 'cause
someone's gonna get it.

What kind of florist is this?

She's cut off.

Hey.

Oh, shit. You okay?

- You alright?
- Whoo!

Okay.

Yeah? Okay.

You're safe. Cheers.

Happy anniversary, right?

I can't believe you remembered.

Remembered.

Four weeks ago was our first kiss.

I... obviously remember
when we kissed first.

Yeah. You know, just gonna...

Ooh.

- Thank you.
- Oh, that's great.

Where's Abbi? I'm starving.

Trey.

I'm getting emotional right now.

And I don't want you
to see me like this.

- Hey, it's okay.
- No, I don't want you to see me like this.

Okay.

I'm gonna go to the
coat room or something.

- Okay.
- I'm not feeling...

We need to think about us.

- Wow. Okay.
- I'm gonna be right back.

Alright, hey, take as long as you need.

- Okay, I will... I'm gonna.
- Okay.

Oh, here she is.

Sorry, there was a long
line at the shit factory.

Oh, Abbi.

- Okay.
- Eat, Abbi.

Well, um, with this rare
moment of silence, um,

there is something I'd like to share.

Um...

Mom?

Mom, are you okay?

- Mom, are you okay?
- Honey...

- She's choking!
- She's choking... help.

She's choking. She's choking, help!

Help, somebody, please help.

Trey, Trey, help!

- Coming!
- Please, somebody.

Somebody help!

- Somebody!
- Does anybody know CPR?

Here we go! Work with me.

Hoh!

- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.

Are you okay, honey?

Can you breath?

Are you okay?

Oh, god damn lychee.

Oh, Jesus, that was fucking scary.

- Sit down.
- You okay?

- Yeah.
- Take it easy.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thank you.

- Trey?
- Who the fuck is Trey?

Kirk Steele.

Abbi, how did you know Trey was here?

Oh.

We're on a date.

Oh my God.

- This is not...
- Oh my God.

Oh my God!

The condom in your room?

The whole time?

The whole time?

The whole time!

I have to go.

I have to leave now. I have to go.

Ilana, wait.

Okay, show's over.

Uh, guys, I have some big news to share.

- What?
- Um, I got a promotion

and I'm moving to London.

No you're not. Sit down
and eat your dinner.

Yes.

Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.

Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.

- Hey.
- Ilana, I am so sorry.

Dude, I should have told you about Trey.

I don't know, I was like...
I was embarrassed and,

dude he does not mean anything to me.

He is a guilty pleasure.
He's like a joke.

Trey, no, no, wait... wait.

I'm not a joke, Abbi.

I thought we were having fun and...

We were... I was having
a really good time.

This really sucks, you know.

I'm gonna go.

Wait, hold on.

Trey, I did not mean like
joke, like, like that.

Ilana, I'm so sorry.

I will never keep a
secret from you again.

I promise. You're my best friend.

- I-I-I... it was just coincidence.
- I know, I know.

- It's not even that.
- I was gonna tell you, I swear.

It's not even that. That's not
even it even though it was really...

jarring and...

and I, like, didn't know what was
going on and he's so sweet, you know.

And, like, tight body
and I'm gonna want full

dick deets when I'm
done feeling, but, um...

Lincoln broke up with me.

Whatever that means, you know?

My God, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

- He met some beautiful queen...
- A real queen?

No, a queen like, like us.

You know, he wants to be
monogamous with her and he should.

He deserves whatever he wants.

And he doesn't even want to be friends.

You know, he never really did.

I just never heard it.

Okay. It's gonna be okay.

Okay, now is the time
you tell me dick deets.

He's not responding to my texts.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to apologize at work.

Okay, what else have I
been keeping a secret?

I think that I was
starting to kinda like Trey.

Like... like-like?

Like, like-like.

- That fucking sucks.
- Yeah.

Um, I'm really attracted

to pre-Weight Watchers Jennifer Hudson.

I once keyed this guy's car, uh,

- because he called me a dirty Jew.
- I hate that.

So, I keyed a big Star of David

right onto his driver-side door.

I got super blazed before
babysitting Oliver...

and...

I took off my bra 'cause I was,
like, feeling loose and, like,

oppressed and wanted to, like,
chill and I left my bra in his room.

That was probably a
whole thing that you never

found out about again,
because you couldn't admit it.

- You can't admit...
- No, and then, like...

- like, who knows?
- Right, it wasn't sexual.

- Yeah, but, no offense... no offense...
- But I'm just like...

That's a bra.

Oh.

That's a bra!