Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Philadelphia - full transcript

♪ Well every day I
throw a little party ♪

♪ But a fit would be
more fitting, fitting ♪

♪ And every time I
come a little higher ♪

♪ Should I leap or go
on living, living? ♪

♪ Hear the voices
venomous and thrilling ♪

♪ In my head they're
always calling, calling ♪

♪ But I wanna gotta go
the way my blood beats ♪

♪ So I'm not fodder
for their folly, folly ♪

♪ No one here is taking notice

♪ No outline will ever hold us ♪

♪ It's not a new wave,
it's just you and me ♪



- Cute.
- So?

Welcome to Wayne. This is it.

(man) If I were just 30 years younger.

Dad, then what?

Then we'd be best friends
and hang out all the time.

Get your head outta the gutter.

Come here, you.

Yeah...

(both) Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

All right. I'll just hang out.

(both) Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

- Ha!
- Whoa.



♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪

So, how do you ladies like my car?

Yeah, it's a pretty sweet ride.

- It's fine.
- Ilana, you don't like my car?

- I can tell.
- It's....

- You sort of had this little...
- I'm a little squished back here.

I think if I were in... In the front,

maybe I would be less nauseous
and more physically comfortable.

It's a time share.

Me, Larry G., Duckbutter,
Bobby G., we all went in on it.

I am rock hard that I'm gonna
see your childhood bedroom, Ab.

It is so important for a relationship
to see a boyfriend's roots.

- What?
- A friend's roots, I said.

Yeah, you said boyfriend, but...

Dad, I cannot believe that you're
turning my bedroom into an infrared sauna.

You've been talking about this since
the day you dropped me off at college,

- so I'm supportive.
- So GOOP.

You should get a V-steam
for the next time we come in.

- V-steam? - I don't
know what that is.

Um, vagina.

(Abbi) Love talking
about vaginas with my dad.

(car scrapes)

(Jeff) Don't worry about that noise.

Ahh.

So many beautiful memories here.

Ilana, under that tree,

that's where Abbi found a bee's nest

and was stung over 300 times.

- Made the paper.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- And that house?

That's where she almost got taken
by the neighbors when they moved.

What?

I found her in their
Winnebago in a large cooler.

Really?

And over there is where Patty and I
told her we were getting a divorce.

I never understood why
you did it by the trash.

Well, you liked playing in
the trash so much as a kid,

so we thought if we told you there,

every time you'd go to the trash,

you'd associate it with the
divorce and not play in it.

It didn't work.

- Come on, come in.
- It didn't work?

I don't know. I just always
loved trash. It's like...

It's like normal stuff,
but it has a past, you know?

- Hey, welcome home.
- Ooh, it smells good.

Ooh, my God!

(laughing)

Oh, such an only child's room.

- Why?
- There's two TVs.

It was just so I can, like,
stay on top of the news stories.

Yeah, news about what was
happening with Ross and Rachel.

Oh! This is Abbi's little
height chart! I can't stand it!

No, no, that's lead paint.

Yeah, my little girl did
grow up so fast, though.

All right, look, I got three boxes.

Keep, donate, and garbage.

I'm so excited this is happening.

I'm... I'm gonna make
some food for you guys

so you have plenty of
energy to finish, all right?

What kind of snacks you like?

- I...
- No, no! No.

Let me surprise you, huh?

Hope you like stevia.

I don't know if we do.

Oh.

It's the Holocaust
Museum of Abbi Abrams!

What's that mean?

Oh, I mean... I meant museum.

I just... my family only went
to Holocaust Museums as a kid.

Ha. Funny.

Hey, where's Will Smith's playground?

What?

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
Will spent most of his days ♪

Well, we're technically
in west of Philadelphia,

- so the 'burbs.
- Got it.

Plus, I feel like they shot
it in California, right?

Tax credits.

But there is a rumor that Will Smith

bought his mom a house in my town, so...

I would kill to see that house.

Murder.

Oh, man, there is so much gear in here.

Gear?

Like, from my jam band days.

Phish and RatDog,

Dark Star, Disco Biscuits,
String Cheese Incident.

Dirt Star, man.

The white slave rebellion, man.

I'll meet you at the contact lens!

I'll see you at the sister's freely.

- Think fast!
- Ahh! Ew!

What the (bleep) is this?

It is my dreadlocks, sir.

From your body and head?

Yeah, I tried to donate
them to Locks of Love, but...

Yikes.

- They rejected them, it's fine.
- Yeah, no (bleep).

Jesus, they stink so much
more than the pictures, God.

Like pepperoni.

Oh, my God. Holy (bleep)!

Oh, my God!

What, what happened, what? Oh, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's...

- Do you know who this is?
- Here we go.

This is a first edition

JonBenét Ramsey
commemorative Beanie Baby.

This is more rare than
the Princess Diana.

I ran for this. My heart stopped.

I'm sorry.

All right, look.

Get your palates primes
for my bialy bites.

Aw, I wanted to keep that a surprise.

All right.

This is unreal.

You know, Ilana, you can have it.

I always felt weird about
"getting rid" of her.

Do you even realize what you're saying?

I know you think it's stupid,

but you have to be
aware of the fluctuations

in the Beanie Baby market.

I say it all the time.

This could be our future. Look at her.

Look at me, I'm fully engorged.

Ilana, come on.

I'm not sexually aroused,
I'm fiscally aroused.

- Cool your jets.
- Okay.

The Beanie boards are gonna
light up tonight, baby!

JonBenét, look at her.

(whispers) You're a star.

(bleep)!

(bleep) me in (bleep) face!

This is so bad.

What?

Alice Ackerman was one of my best
friends in middle school, all right?

- I'm following.
- We drifted apart in high school,

mostly because I started smoking weed,

but also because she got in
the varsity field hockey team.

That's normal, it happens,
and that's healthy.

Senior year, she got
hit by a school bus.

On a Saturday.

Shabbat.

So I organized this
entire dance-a-thon

to raise money for her medical bills

and I raised over $900.

That is amazing.

Yeah, really amazing.

Amazing that I (bleep)
never gave her the money.

Oh, bitch.

You know, it totally makes
perfect sense, typical Abbi.

Senior year is when
I got into mushrooms.

I hear that mushrooms can affect
your memory and your sex drive, right?

Where am I?

I'm just kidding.

She's probably horribly disfigured.

Maybe it's about time
there's an elephant woman.

I did nothing to help this girl.

Nothing!

Was I a terrible person?

You know what?

Maybe, I don't know.

But if we give it back tonight,

you can atone for this.

Yes.

You're right, yes. This is what we're
gonna do. We're gonna do this right now.

Give me one second, I just
fully backlit JonBebé.

She is going on the
Beanie boards tonight.

Yass, yass, yass.

Yass. EBay on fire!

Yes! Natural.

Relax. Nothing.

Gorge, gorge.

Sassy girl.

All right, I'm not gonna say that.

Cool.

(Abbi) Dude, this is so weird.

We're just gonna, like, show up

at her family's bowling
alley just hoping she's there?

You know, you don't
need to wear a helmet.

I'm a very good driver.

It is insane that you
drive a car with no doors.

You are such a goy for driving
this car, it is unbelievable.

I want a DNA test.

Okay, do you think Will
Smith's mom lives around here?

By the bowling alley? No.

Will would buy, like,
a much better spot.

♪

(pins clattering)

(man) No shoes, no entrance.

Yes, you, the Jews.

I'm... we're not even bowling...

Hep!

- Dude.
- Come on.

Tiptoe, please.

Oh, God. Okay.

Thank you.

Um, yes, we just want to
ask a quick question, so...

You need shoes to get in.
New floors. 25 bucks each.

Cash only.

- Okay.
- Dude, I don't "carry cash."

Oh, okay.

This is terrible.

But we could use some of the
money from the Alice fund.

It's, like, for her.

We're using her money
to get her the money.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

- Okay, that makes total sense.
- Total sense.

- So we have to.
- Have to, must.

Okay.

Sir.

What size?

I'm a four. Four-and-a-half.

Um, 11. (clears throat)

Oh, my God!

I didn't realize that it's the 20th
anniversary of JonBenét's death.

- Whoa.
- Dude, it is blowing up on eBay.

It's gonna double our value.

Jeez.

That's awesome, dude.

Abbi?

Ooh. Townie boy, get 'dat.

(cell phone vibrating)

- Hi.
- Abbi Abrams?

Yeah, well, give me your bottom line
and I'll see what kind of mood I'm in.

It's me, it's Karl Shiff.

Uh...

Shyffilis. Sh... Shyffilis.

- Holy (bleep), Shyffilis!
- Yeah!

Jeez, you look so good.

- No, you look great.
- Thanks.

You're still using Shyffilis, huh?

Well, I mean, it's not really
a name you can get away from.

- Yeah.
- It even followed me to the office.

Whoa.

Who knew that one day
at Colonial Williamsburg

could change your life, you know?

I mean, name-wise. Unless you're
like a history teacher or whatever.

Oh, my God, wait.

Did I have something
to do with that... name?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was totally your fault, 100%.

- Oh... oh, God.
- Yeah, no, it's fine, it's fine.

- No, we were in the same walking group.
- Yeah.

I remember, we learned about the
syphilis outbreak in the colony

and it just sounded
so much like your name.

- Exactly like my name.
- Wait, I am so sorry.

I need to atone for this.

I would never, ever have said
that if I knew it would stick.

Really, it's fine.

And I didn't even care, like,
at all, because it was you.

What... what?

I had, like, a huge crush on you
in high school. You knew that.

No, I did not.

What? Oh, whoops.

No, I didn't.

- Um, yeah.
- I mean, I didn't.

But, I mean, if you really want
to make up for it, you could...

You could buy me a drink.

- I love drinks.
- You got any cash?

Cash only, this place, huh?

Oh, um...

I... yeah, I do have some cash.

Can I?

Well,

the appreciated value of JonBenét now
compared to five years ago is astounding.

You should be honored. I'm wasting
my time with a yellow star user?

I'm a turquoise power seller, bitch.

(scoffs)

I'm not gonna just stand here...

(sighs)

_

_

_

_

Yeah, I know what happened
five years ago in Miami.

You think I'm a (bleep) idiot?

You think I'm MrBubbles9560?

Nope, you're dealing with me, bitch.

You know, I've always fantasized about,
like, making out in a locker room,

but no one ever tells you
about the feet smell, right?

- That's true.
- It's like, gross.

You're adorable.

I'll return these.

Um, are any of the Ackermans
around, by any chance?

Oh, no.

They sold the place years ago.

Their daughter was in
a horrific accident.

They needed all the cash they could get.

- Sad story.
- Yeah, Alice.

Do you know where she lives?
I went to high school with her.

Oh, yeah. She lives in that
house at the end of Henderson.

- Can't miss it.
- The house at the end of Henderson.

- Yeah.
- By the convention center?

- Mm-hmm. -
That Henderson?

There's only one.

(sighs)

You were such a dick earlier

and now you are maybe
one of my favorite people.

We're closing in five minutes.

_

_

_

Unreal.

Uh, couple things.

One, this bad boy gave me the address.

Oh, my God, thank you.

Yeah, two, you speak Chinese?

What's going on?

Hardly, Just some Yiddish
Mandarin I picked up from my mom.

See ya.

Bye.

_

(engine struggling)

- Dude.
- I think the battery's dead?

Do you want to call, like,
a (bleep) cab or something?

No, bro, follow me.

Yes, sir.

Hey, what up, my peers?

- Yo, give me a hack.
- All right.

So, listen, guys, my Jeep stalled.

I was wondering if you guys can
give us a ride to our friend's house.

Yeah, we could.

If you could buy us some liquor.

Oof. Tit for tat.

Savvy.

All right, that'll be 200 bucks, boys!

♪

(burps)

(tires squealing)

- Okay, I guess we'll just return this.
- Yeah.

Oh!

And, guess we will just drink these.

I mean, we have to now?

Oh, we have to.

♪

So apparently, Will Smith's dad
used to make him build, like,

a brick wall every single
summer from scratch just because.

That's hot.

I heard Will makes Willow
and Jaden do it, too.

To keep them humble, you know?

Will is such a considerate dad.

Oh, my God. Oh, my (bleep) Jesus.

What?

The (bleep) JonBenéts
want the Beanie baby.

That is so insane.

- What?
- What?

- What?!
- It's like of course they want her now.

Right?

Oh, my God, look at this dog.

Come on, baby.

Hi!

Hey!

Hey! Our equity!

Ilana, come on!

JonBenét Beanie Baby!

Hey! Hey!

(Ilana) Come on! Come
on, we'll split the money!

- Come on!
- Here he is!

Oh, my... Where...

Okay, all right.

We need, like, a treat, or, like, a
piece of meat or something, I don't know.

Oh, my God, I do.

Hey! Come here!

Come here!

Come on! Go!

Yes!

Oh, my God.

- That was amazing.
- Oh, my God.

JonBenét.

Oh, God, later, bitch.

I knew it would work 'cause
your dread stunk like meat.

Okay, it doesn't... It
didn't smell like meat.

- Jeez.
- Dang.

I guess Alice is doing
all right after all.

Well, it's probably
for the team of nurses.

We should really practice our faces

for when we first see her
gnarled, mangled disfigurement.

Okay.

- Hi!
- That's not bad.

It's okay, you go.

- Ugh, I'll just do no emotion.
- Oh, God.

(doorbell chimes)

Hi.

A... Alice?

Yeah, can I help you?

It's... it's Abbi.

Abbi Abrams, from high school.

Oh, my God, Abbi, wow.

I didn't recognize you
without the dreads. You look...

You look great without dreads.

Thanks.

So this is my friend, Ilana.

Hi, Ilana.

- Beautiful.
- Thanks.

Alice, you look in... insane.

Yeah.

You're very tall.

You remember my accident, right?

I mean, I kinda remember it a little.

Yeah, well, they had to
put pins in my thighs,

and so it elongated me
and added three inches

to my height.

And then after that I...

I just couldn't keep the weight on.

- Totally.
- I feel that.

- Understand.
- So I started modeling.

And ten campaigns later...

Wow, not too shabby.

What about you? What...
why are you here?

Good call.

Speaking of the accident,

I do remember

and I actually raised
some money for your surgery

by throwing a dance-a-thon.
We danced for all night.

I mean, I was in a coma at
the time, but I heard about it,

and I never got the chance to thank you,

so that was really sweet of you, Abbi.

You're a good person.

- Huh? Well...
- It's true.

- Yeah.
- It's true.

- Yeah.
- It's true.

- Thank you.
- It is.

You know, thank you,
Alice. I appreciate that.

Funny story.

You're gonna be like...

(chuckling)

- L-O-L. -
Abbi, you crazy.

You're gonna be like, what?

So I was home,

and I found this envelope

and it's actually all the
money from the dance-a-thon.

I never gave it to you. (chuckling)

- And it's crazy.
- Well, I'll take it now.

- You take now.
- Thanks.

- And you know what, do something...
- Some extra cash.

Buy something nice for this
place, 'cause it needs a...

(whispers) Okay.

(clears throat)

It says here that you raised
$946, and there's only $300 here.

Does it say that?

Well, it was just because we
needed the cash to find you.

We just needed the
money for bowling shoes

and bottles of liquor for teens.

You're not on Facebook.

This is really (bleep) up, Abbi,

you coming here and
bringing up my accident

and giving me money eight years later

- that's not even all there.
- Okay.

Um, I just... I wanted to...

You know what? I take it back,
actually, you're not a good person.

You're kind of an asshole, Abbi!

- Well, I thought...
- No.

Abbi is a phenomenal person.

Okay, a high-quality human being.

Because she... wanted to come here

and give this extremely valuable

first edition commemorative

JonBenét Ramsay Beanie Baby.

(Alice) What?

That's a Beanie Baby of a dead girl.

That's disgusting.

Okay, Alice, just hear me out, okay?

I came here to look you
in the eye and to atone.

I am a good person.

- You know me, when we sat next to...
- Whoa! Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait,
just, wait, wait, baby.

Baby, just wait one second,

I'm gonna come down
there, I'm gonna explain.

Explain what?

Nothing. There is
nothing to explain. What?

- What's going on here?
- She just...

She made out with me a little
bit at the bowling alley.

- No, no.
- You did?

It's not her fault.

I didn't make out with
you, you made out with me!

We were talking about... She
had a crush on me and stuff.

Shyffilis, I swear to (bleep)
God, you know you've done...

This is your (bleep) luck?

- Get your (bleep) ass upstairs.
- Okay, okay.

- It's the second strike today.
- I know.

- I'm sorry.
- Today?

- Get your ass upstairs.
- Okay, I'm gone.

- (Alice) Get out.
- It was just...

- Okay, so we should really talk.
- Good night.

We should talk about the...

Shyffilis, I'm gonna
kick your (bleep) ass.

(Abbi) Ugh, I just feel terrible.

You really shouldn't.

That Beanie Baby was worth over $13,000
depending on the strength of the yen.

Wait, what?

- Yeah.
- What?

Yeah.

- Dude...
- Come on.

- It's over.
- (bleep).

(laughing)

(humming)

Aah, I am so happy
you two guys came down.

- Thank you.
- Abbi, I love when you're home.

Whoa, how's work, training Shania Twain?

- Wow.
- How is that?

It's so good.

Hey, by the way.

Last night, after you left,
I looked up Alice Ackerman.

You know what I found out on Google?

She bought her house
from Will Smith's mom!

Ahh!

I'm so sorry.

(chuckling)

♪