Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Rat Pack - full transcript
Jaime and Ilana receive a large extermination bill and decide to throw a party to recoup the costs; Abbi goes on a mission to meet new people.
Abbi?
Rat Bastard!
Ah...
Get out of here! You're ruining my life!
This is some of my best
sandwich work to date.
No, no-no-no.
Rata hijueputa.
Kinda sexy.
Weed thief!
♪ Four and three and
two and one-one ♪♪
That rat won't be bothering you anymore.
He's gone to a better place.
Oh, you mean, like the heaven.
Oh, no. His dead carcass is
probably rotting in the ceiling.
Oof.
All right, that'll be $400.
- $400?
- Are you serious?
I'm gonna have to sell
my sperm again, uh...
- Jesus, that's criminal.
- No.
$400.
Oh!
That's all of it.
Thank you.
- God...
- Oh, there's a package out here.
Ooh, Larry and David.
♪♪
Flirt alert, oh, my God, cute dress, Ab.
Hot date later?
Is he black?
What?
No, I just thought it was a party,
so, I'm wearing normal clothes.
Right, this is your first
Summer Solstice Soulstice party.
You 'lil virgin, ooh...
I'm gonna need to start drinking.
Yes, girl.
Here, drink this.
It is 11% alcohol content kombucha.
I like to call it
"kom-booze-cha."
Don't, um, don't steal that, though.
I came up with it.
♪♪
Olive oil?
Sea salt crackers?
Baklava?!
This is the most beautiful basket I've
ever seen, and I grew up on Long Island.
They had shivas for days, literally.
"We love and accept
you exactly as you are."
Oh, my God.
It must be from my parents.
Oh!
They haven't spoken to me since
I came out to them months ago.
Months?
This must be their
olive branch, literally.
Olive branch?
Dur, there's olive tapenade in here.
I mean, double dur.
Larry and David? That's two men, right?
Oh, my God, this is so beautiful, Ilana.
Oh, my God.
- That's awesome, dude.
- Yeah.
I think we should throw a party
and spread the seed of this
gesture all over people.
Himmelz, what if we charged a cover,
and we made back that money
that we gave to that
stupid exterminator?
Ooh.
Sometimes we are so smart, Ilana,
I am scared of what we
are truly capable of.
I gotta call A-Team.
Oh!
Go for Abbi.
Jaimé's former bigot
parents who are now amazing,
sent him an "insahn" gift
basket from Larry and David.
Holy shit.
Uh...
Well, uh, save me some of
those chocolate-covered cherries
'cause those are so classy.
I'll do ya one better.
We're throwing a party tonight
for a tiny fee of ten bucks a head.
Bring friends... I, I don't
have any, but you guys.
That's cool.
Uh-oh, what do we have here?
Caught Abbi red 'anded,
creepin' on da Soulstice floor.
Shaggy Boombastic!
But, seriously, what are you doing?
I was just in here... drinking
because this was like my third,
and fourth, uh, bottle of booze.
And I didn't want anyone
to see me, you know,
consuming so many empty calories.
All right, tell you what.
I am in, I'm gonna join ya.
Cent'anni!
It's kind of spunky, right?
That's what she said.
Come on, that was genuinely organic.
"That's what she said."
Okay.
♪♪
♪ I want some marijuana, uh uh oh ♪
♪ I wanna marijuana ♪
♪ I want some marijuana ♪
♪ I need some marijuana ♪
♪ Uh uh oh ♪
♪ Whudda bud down Whudda bud down ♪
♪ Whudda bud down Whudda bud down ♪
♪ Whudda bud down whudda day ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat dat dat ♪
♪ I need some marijuana Uh uh oh ♪
♪ Roll it and lick it and
light it and smoke it ♪
♪ And pass it and lick it
and light it and pass it ♪
♪ And roll it and lick it
and light it and pass it ♪
♪ Then light it and
smoke it and... ♪
♪ Roll it, now roll it,
now roll it, now roll it ♪
♪ Now roll it, now roll it,
now roll it, now roll it ♪
♪ Now roll it, now roll it,
now roll it, now roll it ♪
Weed queen.
Okay?
Hey, don't make me do CPR, okay?
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Okay.
So, I go into, like, a
Starbucks, you know, Starbucks.
It's, like, a pretty big
chain of coffee shops.
Yeah, I've seen 'em around.
From Seattle! Get a clue, man!
And I'm, like, ordering.
And the person's like,
"What's your name?"
And I'm, like,
"Mrs. Starbucks."
I'm gonna pick up my
phone 'cause it's ringing.
Hello?
- Can you steal tampons, too?
- Yeah, tampons!
Ohh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
- Dur, that's why I need the tampons.
- You're bleeding. You're bleeding.
Sorry, take your phone call, You'take
your phone call, you'take your phone call.
No, tamps, tamps.
For, for... yeah, yeah... I got them.
That didn't mean anything.
♪♪
I can't believe that diseased little rat
chewed through my
favorite period panties.
Panty-eating rat perv.
Ilana, there's been something
I've been wanting to ask you
for a while and don't feel
any pressure at all to say yes.
But it would mean the world to me,
if I could be your Head Chef.
Yeah, go nuts.
"With great power comes
great responsibility."
- Teddy Roosevelt.
- Spider-Man.
Even better.
Ffft!
Whoa.
Okay, I, I know what you're gonna
say, but just hear me out, okay?
I've always felt that the
energy in this room was just off.
But I didn't wanna say
anything because, you know,
I don't like to stir the shit pot.
But since this happened with my parents,
I feel more like, mmm, confidence.
This... is how I feel
the room should be.
- I love it.
- Oh, sweet!
Why didn't you do
this, like, a year ago?
I don't know! It was like
I hated a part of myself.
Now I only hate my cankles.
I need to make out with somebody.
- Wham, bam, thank you, sir.
- No, someone new.
- Okay, I'll do this for you.
- No, someone who's attracted to women.
Abbi, just so you know, every
guy here's gonna be, like,
a four-plus on the Kinsey scale.
Gay.
I know, that's why
this gal joined Tinder.
You on Tinder?
I thought you're all about
that IRL meet-cute rom-com Lyfe.
You must be très horny.
I'm not Trey anything, Ilana... what?
Okay, I won't show-off my French, Abbi.
Plus, every Tinder guy
will pay us the $10!
so if they come back to chop
you up, you're not even here.
Yeah... Wait, what?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mmm...
That is so hot.
Yes.
Hi, thank you so much, thanks.
It's gonna be worth it.
Thank you, love your money... outfit.
Uh, oh, it is so
disgustingly hot in here.
You know what?
I'll give you a
discount, I know a gal...
Okay, no, I'm gonna go. I love you.
Love ya.
Last one in, first one out, respect.
Uh, oh, I got three
matches already, so...
Tinder is so fucking easy, dude.
Yes, it is healthy for you to
have zero discretion sometimes.
I just got another match.
God, why didn't I do this earlier?
I am rich in men.
And those men are gonna make me rich...
in money.
♪ I rich ♪
♪ I rich, I rich ♪
♪ I rich... ♪
Rat Bastard!
- Lincoln, I just saw that dickhead rat.
- Where?
In this apartment.
If people see him, they're gonna leave.
And worse yet, they're
gonna want their money back.
Yeah, but they'd be right.
- Right?
- Yeah, I know.
Okay, Lincoln, I need
your culinary skills
to go above and beyond right now.
I need you to create a
dish so good, so élégante,
that the party is distracted and I
can catch this fat-ass rat-ass myself.
I'm talking Food Network-level.
This restaurant would
definitely rate a "C,"
on the New York Sanitation
Department scale.
But I wanna take on this challenge.
Actually, it would be a grade "D"
'cause of that moth larvae
all over the ceiling.
Yeah, I can't find the source.
Okay, dope.
Hi, Tadd 26?
Yeah, Abbi, hi.
Wow, you look great.
This is a really good photo of you.
- Thanks.
- It's almost too good, though.
Okay.
Should I go?
Inside? Yeah.
I'll take that off your hands.
Enjoy yourself, feel welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Ilana, come on, I
just... broke up with him.
I need him, I need them all.
I spent $400 to get rid of this rat.
I just saw him scurrying across
the floor with his little nails.
Oh, my God, rat!
Pack!
With Fred Sinatra, and they would sing
a cappella and watch each other fuck.
Give me my money back. I'm
not staying at a rat party.
Okay, okay... Get out of here.
Keep quiet. Go.
_
What... No one.
What?
What? I didn't get a text from anybody.
If I ever get my own food truck,
I'm gonna call it "Lincoln's Center."
That is genius!
Wow.
Mmm...
Mmm.
Gracias, Lincoln.
Okay.
I've been keeping something
in for a very long time.
But today's a new day for the Jaimé.
Your mustache is terrible.
It makes you look like you...
Like touch the little children.
That felt good.
Mmm.
Motherfuck, that's good.
Whoa, costume change?
Yeah, I'm quirky.
♪♪
Sorry...
Get up.
Damn it.
Hold down the fort.
I've got a plan.
God, I loved your hair.
Not cool.
Oh, I'd love to make out with this guy.
I thought you said you were 26?
I was, in that picture.
I thought that was an Instagram filter.
Ooh, you're really sexy.
With a great smile.
Hey, can I see your tat?
Too...
♪ Two peas in a pod ♪
♪ And neither of us are Jews ♪
You should Uber.
That's, um, German, right?
Sorry, but this obviously isn't you.
Yeah, obviously.
You thought a young Denzel Washington
was gonna show up for your Tinder date?
You shoulda just swiped left.
Wait, what do you mean "swipe left"?
Jellicle Cat, I need you to find
and kill this ballsack, Rat Bastard.
- In use!
- Ilana, it's me.
Oh, come in.
Dur, oh my God.
Did you know that you can,
like, swipe left on Tinder?
And that means you're not into the guy.
I thought you had to
meet-up with every...
- You have options.
- What's happening in here?
The cat's out of the bag.
Jellicle was not easy to
remove from the bodega.
But I gotta catch this piece of shit,
Rat Bastard, and I needed backup.
So, I had to borrow him.
Or her.
Hm, what you?
Well, I kinda hope it's a guy because
there's literally zero good guys here.
I need to meet, like,
real men in real life
- that I don't work with.
- Yeah.
- What?
- That I don't, like, work it with.
- You know?
- Totally.
That's what I meant to say.
Well, please let this work.
No, it's totally going to,
because cats can be scary vicious.
Come on, Jellicle Cat, scheme,
make some fucking trouble.
Like, Tom and Jerry.
Oh, my God, the media, reducing
even cats to a stereotype.
See, I have to remember,
I am the problem.
Up next, you'll savor chilled
chocolate-covered cherry slivers
your tongue didn't know that it needed.
Enjoy.
I am crushin' it right now.
I'm definitely gonna be
- the Chop'd Champion tonight.
- Yes.
- What?
- The rat just ran over my foot.
You know the band Ratatat?
Let's listen to thatatat, mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Oh, if I have to see another
Tin-dude, I'm gonna fucking break out.
Hi, I am looking for a Larry and David
gift basket that was dropped off here.
I, I, dropped it off, but at the
wrong address, and I need it back now.
- My money.
- My parents.
My chef's high.
My...
My, my.
How you doin'?
So, what are you saying? It
didn't come from Guatemala?
No, I'm sorry. This is 21510th Street.
And I was supposed to
deliver it to 21015th Street.
I keep messing up
because I have dyslexia.
Please, this is an SOS.
I'm sorry, SOS.
Dude, I'm so sorry
but we got the basket,
and I already made some incredible...
Strides.
Strides.
To keep the basket in mint condition.
So, you know, we're just
gonna need a couple minutes
to fill out some paperwork.
Mm-hmm.
You seem stressed.
Why don't you come in?
You guys figure out the paperwork.
I'll show you around.
I mean, with letters and everything,
it's like, who cares
what order they're in?
♪♪
Steven.
Yeah, I shaved my mustache with the
pubey girl razor from the bathroom.
- You happy?
- You look incredible.
I was completely right.
And the whole pedophile
mustache was so distracting.
But now I see your face. It's beautiful.
Kind of like it, too.
It's like I was holding onto
something, like, some kind of mask.
You know, we should hang
out like in a date way.
Yeah, I'd love that.
I'm really glad that this all happened.
Me too.
Ew, dude!
- Homophobe!
- You hate the gays, man?
- Who's a homophobe?
- No, look at this mess!
I'm never gonna be able
to get this back together.
Lincoln, what do we all know is the
most challenging part of cooking?
- Presentation.
- Exactly.
This is a presentation challenge.
Let's turn our trash...
Into treasure.
I never will care about
this basket, so good luck.
I'm not losing this money.
Cool hat. I love hats.
Cool, um...
Can I ask you a personal question?
Mm-hmm.
You ever taken a sharp
turn in one of those trucks
without the doors on it,
and then, you just fall out?
All the time.
Quick follow-up. Do you
wanna make out right now?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Perfect.
Keep going. Do your thing.
Just pick the right food.
Oh, great.
Everybody love cheese balls.
I know, they're, like, too good.
This is actual food.
This is honestly really fucking good.
We did it.
Yeah, but I still don't
feel too good about this.
I've been making a mockery of Larry and
David and they seem like really good guys.
Larry and David are fine.
They've got a whole franchise
based on their explosive sexual
and romantic relationship.
Yo, what the fuck are you talking about?
The Larry and David franchise.
Larry and David are brothers.
Ew.
♪♪
Here's your pristine basket.
We really wanna get in there,
but we used our willpower.
No, no, we just made out.
Is that a shower curtain?
Oh, my God.
You little piece of shit!
Fuck you.
You fucking rat!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Ugh...
Ohhh!
She's female.
Don't you see?
And she just had these little babies.
Oh fuck.
She's a single gal just looking
to raise her kids in a safe home.
Hey, no, I'm freaking out right now.
She's me!
What the fuck is going on here?
Come on, they're so cute.
They're wrinkly, but
they're soft and fun, too.
That's what she said.
That's something Trey would say.
Oh my God, totally.
- You gotta head out.
- What?
- It's time for you to go.
- You sure?
Yeah, you just say that basket was stolen
and you can salvage that job, great.
It's been fun.
We're a great team.
Yes, we are.
May God, She bless us.
Every one.
Oh, God.
Goodness.
- Hey, you know what, baby?
- Yeah?
Right now that I'm on this new
path of like, honesty and truth?
There's a couple of things
that I wanted to share with you.
First of all, in the near future,
I would kind of like to
use our oven for cooking.
Will you take your clothes out, please?
- Absolutely, I hear that, I hear that.
- Thank you so much.
Ilana, I don't want to
do your bacne anymore.
What?
I'm sorry, it's just not my thing.
You should see a dermatologist.
Would you mind just doing
one last one, the middle...
- I got it.
- Massive middle back.
There's another thing,
Ilana, and I just...
I say this because I love you so much.
There is something you do that
I see a lot of white people do.
And it's kind of like
cultural appropriation.
I've heard about this.
Like, for example, you know those
earrings that you have that say "Latina"?
Yeah?
- They look beautiful on you.
- Thank you.
But you not latina anymore.
It's almost like you're
stealing the identity from people
who fought hard for
against colonial structures.
So, in a way, it's almost
like you are the colonists.
You see?
Ah!
Oh, that felt good.
Oh, also, mi amor, can
you please get off Grindr?
You have a Grindr profile and
it's kind of our thing, you know?
I just wanna see penises
within a mile of me.
I'm so sorry, I've gone too far.
You can see all the penises you want.
Teach me.
- All the penises you want.
- Teach me.
Penis.
Rat Bastard!
Ah...
Get out of here! You're ruining my life!
This is some of my best
sandwich work to date.
No, no-no-no.
Rata hijueputa.
Kinda sexy.
Weed thief!
♪ Four and three and
two and one-one ♪♪
That rat won't be bothering you anymore.
He's gone to a better place.
Oh, you mean, like the heaven.
Oh, no. His dead carcass is
probably rotting in the ceiling.
Oof.
All right, that'll be $400.
- $400?
- Are you serious?
I'm gonna have to sell
my sperm again, uh...
- Jesus, that's criminal.
- No.
$400.
Oh!
That's all of it.
Thank you.
- God...
- Oh, there's a package out here.
Ooh, Larry and David.
♪♪
Flirt alert, oh, my God, cute dress, Ab.
Hot date later?
Is he black?
What?
No, I just thought it was a party,
so, I'm wearing normal clothes.
Right, this is your first
Summer Solstice Soulstice party.
You 'lil virgin, ooh...
I'm gonna need to start drinking.
Yes, girl.
Here, drink this.
It is 11% alcohol content kombucha.
I like to call it
"kom-booze-cha."
Don't, um, don't steal that, though.
I came up with it.
♪♪
Olive oil?
Sea salt crackers?
Baklava?!
This is the most beautiful basket I've
ever seen, and I grew up on Long Island.
They had shivas for days, literally.
"We love and accept
you exactly as you are."
Oh, my God.
It must be from my parents.
Oh!
They haven't spoken to me since
I came out to them months ago.
Months?
This must be their
olive branch, literally.
Olive branch?
Dur, there's olive tapenade in here.
I mean, double dur.
Larry and David? That's two men, right?
Oh, my God, this is so beautiful, Ilana.
Oh, my God.
- That's awesome, dude.
- Yeah.
I think we should throw a party
and spread the seed of this
gesture all over people.
Himmelz, what if we charged a cover,
and we made back that money
that we gave to that
stupid exterminator?
Ooh.
Sometimes we are so smart, Ilana,
I am scared of what we
are truly capable of.
I gotta call A-Team.
Oh!
Go for Abbi.
Jaimé's former bigot
parents who are now amazing,
sent him an "insahn" gift
basket from Larry and David.
Holy shit.
Uh...
Well, uh, save me some of
those chocolate-covered cherries
'cause those are so classy.
I'll do ya one better.
We're throwing a party tonight
for a tiny fee of ten bucks a head.
Bring friends... I, I don't
have any, but you guys.
That's cool.
Uh-oh, what do we have here?
Caught Abbi red 'anded,
creepin' on da Soulstice floor.
Shaggy Boombastic!
But, seriously, what are you doing?
I was just in here... drinking
because this was like my third,
and fourth, uh, bottle of booze.
And I didn't want anyone
to see me, you know,
consuming so many empty calories.
All right, tell you what.
I am in, I'm gonna join ya.
Cent'anni!
It's kind of spunky, right?
That's what she said.
Come on, that was genuinely organic.
"That's what she said."
Okay.
♪♪
♪ I want some marijuana, uh uh oh ♪
♪ I wanna marijuana ♪
♪ I want some marijuana ♪
♪ I need some marijuana ♪
♪ Uh uh oh ♪
♪ Whudda bud down Whudda bud down ♪
♪ Whudda bud down Whudda bud down ♪
♪ Whudda bud down whudda day ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat, uh ♪
♪ Whudda bud at Gimme dat dat dat ♪
♪ I need some marijuana Uh uh oh ♪
♪ Roll it and lick it and
light it and smoke it ♪
♪ And pass it and lick it
and light it and pass it ♪
♪ And roll it and lick it
and light it and pass it ♪
♪ Then light it and
smoke it and... ♪
♪ Roll it, now roll it,
now roll it, now roll it ♪
♪ Now roll it, now roll it,
now roll it, now roll it ♪
♪ Now roll it, now roll it,
now roll it, now roll it ♪
Weed queen.
Okay?
Hey, don't make me do CPR, okay?
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Okay.
So, I go into, like, a
Starbucks, you know, Starbucks.
It's, like, a pretty big
chain of coffee shops.
Yeah, I've seen 'em around.
From Seattle! Get a clue, man!
And I'm, like, ordering.
And the person's like,
"What's your name?"
And I'm, like,
"Mrs. Starbucks."
I'm gonna pick up my
phone 'cause it's ringing.
Hello?
- Can you steal tampons, too?
- Yeah, tampons!
Ohh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
- Dur, that's why I need the tampons.
- You're bleeding. You're bleeding.
Sorry, take your phone call, You'take
your phone call, you'take your phone call.
No, tamps, tamps.
For, for... yeah, yeah... I got them.
That didn't mean anything.
♪♪
I can't believe that diseased little rat
chewed through my
favorite period panties.
Panty-eating rat perv.
Ilana, there's been something
I've been wanting to ask you
for a while and don't feel
any pressure at all to say yes.
But it would mean the world to me,
if I could be your Head Chef.
Yeah, go nuts.
"With great power comes
great responsibility."
- Teddy Roosevelt.
- Spider-Man.
Even better.
Ffft!
Whoa.
Okay, I, I know what you're gonna
say, but just hear me out, okay?
I've always felt that the
energy in this room was just off.
But I didn't wanna say
anything because, you know,
I don't like to stir the shit pot.
But since this happened with my parents,
I feel more like, mmm, confidence.
This... is how I feel
the room should be.
- I love it.
- Oh, sweet!
Why didn't you do
this, like, a year ago?
I don't know! It was like
I hated a part of myself.
Now I only hate my cankles.
I need to make out with somebody.
- Wham, bam, thank you, sir.
- No, someone new.
- Okay, I'll do this for you.
- No, someone who's attracted to women.
Abbi, just so you know, every
guy here's gonna be, like,
a four-plus on the Kinsey scale.
Gay.
I know, that's why
this gal joined Tinder.
You on Tinder?
I thought you're all about
that IRL meet-cute rom-com Lyfe.
You must be très horny.
I'm not Trey anything, Ilana... what?
Okay, I won't show-off my French, Abbi.
Plus, every Tinder guy
will pay us the $10!
so if they come back to chop
you up, you're not even here.
Yeah... Wait, what?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mmm...
That is so hot.
Yes.
Hi, thank you so much, thanks.
It's gonna be worth it.
Thank you, love your money... outfit.
Uh, oh, it is so
disgustingly hot in here.
You know what?
I'll give you a
discount, I know a gal...
Okay, no, I'm gonna go. I love you.
Love ya.
Last one in, first one out, respect.
Uh, oh, I got three
matches already, so...
Tinder is so fucking easy, dude.
Yes, it is healthy for you to
have zero discretion sometimes.
I just got another match.
God, why didn't I do this earlier?
I am rich in men.
And those men are gonna make me rich...
in money.
♪ I rich ♪
♪ I rich, I rich ♪
♪ I rich... ♪
Rat Bastard!
- Lincoln, I just saw that dickhead rat.
- Where?
In this apartment.
If people see him, they're gonna leave.
And worse yet, they're
gonna want their money back.
Yeah, but they'd be right.
- Right?
- Yeah, I know.
Okay, Lincoln, I need
your culinary skills
to go above and beyond right now.
I need you to create a
dish so good, so élégante,
that the party is distracted and I
can catch this fat-ass rat-ass myself.
I'm talking Food Network-level.
This restaurant would
definitely rate a "C,"
on the New York Sanitation
Department scale.
But I wanna take on this challenge.
Actually, it would be a grade "D"
'cause of that moth larvae
all over the ceiling.
Yeah, I can't find the source.
Okay, dope.
Hi, Tadd 26?
Yeah, Abbi, hi.
Wow, you look great.
This is a really good photo of you.
- Thanks.
- It's almost too good, though.
Okay.
Should I go?
Inside? Yeah.
I'll take that off your hands.
Enjoy yourself, feel welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Ilana, come on, I
just... broke up with him.
I need him, I need them all.
I spent $400 to get rid of this rat.
I just saw him scurrying across
the floor with his little nails.
Oh, my God, rat!
Pack!
With Fred Sinatra, and they would sing
a cappella and watch each other fuck.
Give me my money back. I'm
not staying at a rat party.
Okay, okay... Get out of here.
Keep quiet. Go.
_
What... No one.
What?
What? I didn't get a text from anybody.
If I ever get my own food truck,
I'm gonna call it "Lincoln's Center."
That is genius!
Wow.
Mmm...
Mmm.
Gracias, Lincoln.
Okay.
I've been keeping something
in for a very long time.
But today's a new day for the Jaimé.
Your mustache is terrible.
It makes you look like you...
Like touch the little children.
That felt good.
Mmm.
Motherfuck, that's good.
Whoa, costume change?
Yeah, I'm quirky.
♪♪
Sorry...
Get up.
Damn it.
Hold down the fort.
I've got a plan.
God, I loved your hair.
Not cool.
Oh, I'd love to make out with this guy.
I thought you said you were 26?
I was, in that picture.
I thought that was an Instagram filter.
Ooh, you're really sexy.
With a great smile.
Hey, can I see your tat?
Too...
♪ Two peas in a pod ♪
♪ And neither of us are Jews ♪
You should Uber.
That's, um, German, right?
Sorry, but this obviously isn't you.
Yeah, obviously.
You thought a young Denzel Washington
was gonna show up for your Tinder date?
You shoulda just swiped left.
Wait, what do you mean "swipe left"?
Jellicle Cat, I need you to find
and kill this ballsack, Rat Bastard.
- In use!
- Ilana, it's me.
Oh, come in.
Dur, oh my God.
Did you know that you can,
like, swipe left on Tinder?
And that means you're not into the guy.
I thought you had to
meet-up with every...
- You have options.
- What's happening in here?
The cat's out of the bag.
Jellicle was not easy to
remove from the bodega.
But I gotta catch this piece of shit,
Rat Bastard, and I needed backup.
So, I had to borrow him.
Or her.
Hm, what you?
Well, I kinda hope it's a guy because
there's literally zero good guys here.
I need to meet, like,
real men in real life
- that I don't work with.
- Yeah.
- What?
- That I don't, like, work it with.
- You know?
- Totally.
That's what I meant to say.
Well, please let this work.
No, it's totally going to,
because cats can be scary vicious.
Come on, Jellicle Cat, scheme,
make some fucking trouble.
Like, Tom and Jerry.
Oh, my God, the media, reducing
even cats to a stereotype.
See, I have to remember,
I am the problem.
Up next, you'll savor chilled
chocolate-covered cherry slivers
your tongue didn't know that it needed.
Enjoy.
I am crushin' it right now.
I'm definitely gonna be
- the Chop'd Champion tonight.
- Yes.
- What?
- The rat just ran over my foot.
You know the band Ratatat?
Let's listen to thatatat, mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Oh, if I have to see another
Tin-dude, I'm gonna fucking break out.
Hi, I am looking for a Larry and David
gift basket that was dropped off here.
I, I, dropped it off, but at the
wrong address, and I need it back now.
- My money.
- My parents.
My chef's high.
My...
My, my.
How you doin'?
So, what are you saying? It
didn't come from Guatemala?
No, I'm sorry. This is 21510th Street.
And I was supposed to
deliver it to 21015th Street.
I keep messing up
because I have dyslexia.
Please, this is an SOS.
I'm sorry, SOS.
Dude, I'm so sorry
but we got the basket,
and I already made some incredible...
Strides.
Strides.
To keep the basket in mint condition.
So, you know, we're just
gonna need a couple minutes
to fill out some paperwork.
Mm-hmm.
You seem stressed.
Why don't you come in?
You guys figure out the paperwork.
I'll show you around.
I mean, with letters and everything,
it's like, who cares
what order they're in?
♪♪
Steven.
Yeah, I shaved my mustache with the
pubey girl razor from the bathroom.
- You happy?
- You look incredible.
I was completely right.
And the whole pedophile
mustache was so distracting.
But now I see your face. It's beautiful.
Kind of like it, too.
It's like I was holding onto
something, like, some kind of mask.
You know, we should hang
out like in a date way.
Yeah, I'd love that.
I'm really glad that this all happened.
Me too.
Ew, dude!
- Homophobe!
- You hate the gays, man?
- Who's a homophobe?
- No, look at this mess!
I'm never gonna be able
to get this back together.
Lincoln, what do we all know is the
most challenging part of cooking?
- Presentation.
- Exactly.
This is a presentation challenge.
Let's turn our trash...
Into treasure.
I never will care about
this basket, so good luck.
I'm not losing this money.
Cool hat. I love hats.
Cool, um...
Can I ask you a personal question?
Mm-hmm.
You ever taken a sharp
turn in one of those trucks
without the doors on it,
and then, you just fall out?
All the time.
Quick follow-up. Do you
wanna make out right now?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Perfect.
Keep going. Do your thing.
Just pick the right food.
Oh, great.
Everybody love cheese balls.
I know, they're, like, too good.
This is actual food.
This is honestly really fucking good.
We did it.
Yeah, but I still don't
feel too good about this.
I've been making a mockery of Larry and
David and they seem like really good guys.
Larry and David are fine.
They've got a whole franchise
based on their explosive sexual
and romantic relationship.
Yo, what the fuck are you talking about?
The Larry and David franchise.
Larry and David are brothers.
Ew.
♪♪
Here's your pristine basket.
We really wanna get in there,
but we used our willpower.
No, no, we just made out.
Is that a shower curtain?
Oh, my God.
You little piece of shit!
Fuck you.
You fucking rat!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Ugh...
Ohhh!
She's female.
Don't you see?
And she just had these little babies.
Oh fuck.
She's a single gal just looking
to raise her kids in a safe home.
Hey, no, I'm freaking out right now.
She's me!
What the fuck is going on here?
Come on, they're so cute.
They're wrinkly, but
they're soft and fun, too.
That's what she said.
That's something Trey would say.
Oh my God, totally.
- You gotta head out.
- What?
- It's time for you to go.
- You sure?
Yeah, you just say that basket was stolen
and you can salvage that job, great.
It's been fun.
We're a great team.
Yes, we are.
May God, She bless us.
Every one.
Oh, God.
Goodness.
- Hey, you know what, baby?
- Yeah?
Right now that I'm on this new
path of like, honesty and truth?
There's a couple of things
that I wanted to share with you.
First of all, in the near future,
I would kind of like to
use our oven for cooking.
Will you take your clothes out, please?
- Absolutely, I hear that, I hear that.
- Thank you so much.
Ilana, I don't want to
do your bacne anymore.
What?
I'm sorry, it's just not my thing.
You should see a dermatologist.
Would you mind just doing
one last one, the middle...
- I got it.
- Massive middle back.
There's another thing,
Ilana, and I just...
I say this because I love you so much.
There is something you do that
I see a lot of white people do.
And it's kind of like
cultural appropriation.
I've heard about this.
Like, for example, you know those
earrings that you have that say "Latina"?
Yeah?
- They look beautiful on you.
- Thank you.
But you not latina anymore.
It's almost like you're
stealing the identity from people
who fought hard for
against colonial structures.
So, in a way, it's almost
like you are the colonists.
You see?
Ah!
Oh, that felt good.
Oh, also, mi amor, can
you please get off Grindr?
You have a Grindr profile and
it's kind of our thing, you know?
I just wanna see penises
within a mile of me.
I'm so sorry, I've gone too far.
You can see all the penises you want.
Teach me.
- All the penises you want.
- Teach me.
Penis.