Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Game Over - full transcript
Ilana gets a new opportunity at Deals, Deals, Deals; Abbi tries to keep her competitive side in check at Soulstice Games Day.
And we're going forward.
Two, three, four.
And let's reverse it.
Two, three, four, that's great.
Whoa, are we DJs right now?
What are we doing? I don't know.
- This is hard, right?
- This is hard.
Let's take it from a ten to a three.
Uh-oh, I'm a bird.
Flying to Florida, woo!
- Flying to Florida.
- Squints!
Squints! Everybody, out of the pool!
Come on! You can make it!
You can do it!
Breathe, breathe!
- Come on, breathe, breathe.
- Come on!
Oh, he's lying, Abbi.
He's a dirty liar.
Squints, are you fucking kidding me?
Dude, you did this three weeks ago.
One more time and I am
leaving you in the pool to die.
Damn it.
I'll save you, Squints, that's
the reason I tattled on you.
Okay, guys. Class dismissed. I'll
see you on Thursday, though, right?
Great, it was a great class, guys.
Everyone except Squints, that was great.
Abbi? Listen.
I know how to do it
without popping your cherry.
Come on.
Your husband will never
suspect on your wedding night.
You know that I know your granddaughter.
I'm texting her right now.
Elder abuse!
Elder abuse!
Elder abuse!
♪ Four and three and
two and one-one ♪♪
She shoots, she scores!
Ooh!
Sorry. Sorry.
Ilana.
Herr Terrd.
What are you doing here?
Literally nothing!
I'm doing stuff, I'm working.
No, I e-mailed you last night
in a very large, bold font,
saying not to come in today.
I refuse to use that e-mail
address, you know that.
I'm legal, Todd.
Look, there's an investor coming
today. This is very important.
- We need the second round of funding...
- Dude, this means money.
Because I have a bazillion app ideas
that some crusty old white douche
would jizz his little pantsuit for.
Dis good.
- Dis real good.
- Go home.
- You're wearing a dog hoodie.
- Chill, Miss Thang.
This isn't a dog hoodie. It's from the
dog owner's section of American Apparel...
It has ear holes for dog ears.
Why would they do that in a
hood? A hood is to cover a head.
Is there a pocket on the back?
There is. Also has a leash hole.
Not the first time
this has happened to me.
Three other times. I'm gonna fix this
and we are both gonna be billionaires.
No. Chamillionaires.
Bow, bow,
na-now-now... That's us.
Ab-bay.
- You smell like chlorine, I love it.
- Oh, thanks Trey.
You know, before you were a
trainer, everybody goofed on me
so hard for decorating my locker.
Yeah, I need to.
It's like, I need to curate
my space and, it's like,
a vision board, you...
You know what I mean?
Because it's like, I put my stuff in it.
That's why I have to do it.
Exactly, you know? It's
so boring not to decorate.
I just want to get in here, Axe my
body from head to toe and then...
- Zen out.
- Zen out.
- Jinx!
- Jinx!
I was gonna say jinx.
Oh. We're buds.
Zen out jinx!
Oh, Abbi. I love you.
I... I love you...
- You do too?
- Yeah.
You're my little cupcake.
My supplements.
All hands on deck.
Ab.
You know, there's a private
changing room around the corner,
if you'd be more comfortable.
No, I'm totally at ease.
Cool.
- Where is it?
- It's just by the shower.
I might check it out, just to,
like, see what... Spacially...
Yeah, sorry.
Fixed it.
Nic, fierce shoulder pads. Date night?
No, the investor's coming.
Todd just told you.
Woof, baby brain.
Are you pregnant?
No, are you?
No.
♪ Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Su lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre ♪♪
Fuh-law-less
bish!
Ilana, this is our
investor, Elizabeth Carlton.
That is the freshest blazer.
- Ilana.
- Pleasure to...
- Hi.
- This is Ilana Wexler
and Nicole Klorn.
They're two of our New York saleswomen.
Salespeople, I'm sorry.
Hello, Mrs. Carlton.
- Miss Carlton.
- Yes!
But you can call me Elizabeth.
This will foster a sense of equality.
And you can call me Ilana.
This will foster a sense of, um...
You knowing my name.
TJ Maxx.
70% off.
Maxxinista! Ay, Chihuahua!
I don't know if I want
to be her or be in here.
Ooh, I just got a chill.
Can you rub my back, real fast and hard?
Real fast and hard.
Soulstice games! Soulstice games day!
Soulstice games! It's
the Soulstice games day!
Woo!
That's today?
Oh, yeah, your first Soulstice games.
Wow. I remember my first time.
I was 23 and I had just found
out I was allergic to cashews.
Cool, uh... I don't think
that I should participate.
Oh, no, you'll be great,
you'll fit right in.
No, um... I get...
I get a little intense
about competition.
In high school, people used
to call me Tonya Harding.
Don't worry about it. It's not
about who wins and loses, you know?
It's just about team building.
There's no "I" in "Soulstice."
- But there's...
- Well, yes, there is, yes.
I've actually been trying to get them
to change it to a "Y" for a long time.
Anyway, you're gonna have
fun. Plus, it's mandatory.
All right, weigh-in
starts in ten, you guys,
so you still got time to shave your
pubes if you need to lose that last L-B.
There's where the
fucking pubes come from.
It's a crowded market out there.
Groupon, LifeBooker, Yippit,
JewDeal, GroupSwoop.
What makes Deals, Deals,
Deals different, hmm?
Exactly. Nothing.
We have to rise above the fray.
Reach out to new customers.
Now, who's in charge of social media?
Our company hasn't tweeted in six days.
What's worse, it's just a link.
No voice, no copy.
Who's gonna click on
it, let alone share it?
- What do you click on?
- I'm sorry.
What's viral to you? You, Maxxinista.
What would I click on?
Well, I love me some Salad Fingers.
Explain.
It's this guy with romaine
lettuce for fingers,
and he rubs up all on this spoon like...
Salad fingers.
It's, uh, early Randomcore.
I mean, everything on eBaum's World.
"End of Ze World"? No?
The Aicha kid? That white kid, skinny,
crispy gelled hair and he does the whole
choreographed dance with the bean bag?
♪ Aicha Aicha ♪
♪ Passin' me by ♪♪
No? Dudes, what grade are...
How old are you guys?
35 in May.
I have no idea what you're saying.
And I love it.
What do you do here?
Total transparency, I spent most
of the day coloring in my tummy.
Todd, you are clearly underutilizing
someone who's got their Salad Fingers...
on the pulse.
Maxxinista, you're running
our Twitter account.
And you are gonna get this
company some attention.
Miss Hot Lady, you got it!
You got this, you're cool.
Be cool. Just be fucking cool, man.
All right, guys, five
minutes 'til we start.
Keep those muscles warm, all right?
Love you guys.
You think you're doing a V-snap?
Well, I'll lap your V-snap.
Master your V-snap.
God...
What? I mean...
Hey, dude, how are you?
Is it okay if I tweet one
of your "before" wax pics?
Which one?
Neck?
Fine, just... Just blur my
face, okay? Listen, I gotta go.
Four-minute warning.
Where are you right now?
Are you at a day nightclub?
No, I'm... I'm just hanging loose.
Just running errands.
How dare you lie to your wife?
I hear your teeth
grinding through the phone.
You're at a competitive
event, aren't you?
Let's just hold on
and just listen to me.
I need you to just hear me out
and just listen to me, because...
Ab-bi! August 4th.
2002. Camp Kweebec. Red Rover.
I remember, Ilana. I
remember the whole thing.
I remember everyone
being so fucking jealous,
'cause I beat them so fucking hard.
All right, I'm coming
there as soon as I can.
- Where are you?
- Fine, you better fucking come!
I'm at the park where that
dude sold my other sandal.
Jesus.
God!
Good energy right there. All right?
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
So, so many good options for lunch.
I actually spearheaded
the menu binder project.
I'm on a cleanse. Speaking
of which, excuse me.
Ilana!
Bathroom!
Do something!
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
Sorry, uh, sorry about that.
I... I just wanted to
show you the bathroom,
myself, personally.
Thanks, I'm familiar.
Also, if you need sanitary
napkins or similar products,
we give those away free
here. I... I understand.
M-My mom spotted well into her 60s.
Thanks, Todd.
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪♪
Come on!
Come on, Trey, let's do this!
Let's go!
Wow!
Wow, wow!
- Nice, good game.
- There are no losers!
Slow down, Abbi!
Speed up, Claz, come on!
Red team wins!
You kidding me right now? We had
that. That is a bullshit call.
See you in the fucking parking lot.
- Everything okay?
- This is how we play.
We know each other and
we go way back. All right?
Okay.
Next event, right?
Come on, Claz, come on!
- Pull it!
- C'mon, Claz, come on!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Red team, you guys come and eat
my ass one at a fucking time.
Unh! Line up, come on.
I'm selling tickets.
What... What's going on?
No... I'm...
I was kidding, I was
totally kidding around.
You guys were great.
♪ I bike ♪
♪ I bike ♪
♪ I bike ♪ Yeah
♪ I lock ♪
♪ I lock ♪♪
Oh, my God.
Yes.
"Soloplay, bb's...
50% off vibrators at Vibeland."
69 notifications?
Fist!
♪ I tweet ♪
♪ I tweet ♪
♪ I tweet ♪
Yes! Yes!
What now, Tomas, huh?
Who's the hot commodity now, huh?
It's me, yes!
- Tomas!
- Okay.
Yankee Candle store, vanilla bean.
BB&B, right when it opens.
8:00 a.m., you and the employees.
Oh, man, I love that.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Dude, I feel crazy.
God, I have to half-nelson
you like you're a dog?
- You half-nelson dogs? -
Don't make this about me.
You are all-caps Abbi right now.
I need you to be case sensitive.
- Everybody's weirded out.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna sit out.
- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna sit out for the rest.
- Chillin'.
- Okay. Thanks, dude, I really appreciate it.
- All right, just breathe deep.
Okay.
Okay, guys, we're all tied up.
It comes down to the pugil-stick event.
Stef verse Gemma.
Fair fight. Come on.
- No, no, Trey, hold up.
- No, no, no.
Not today.
Sorry, Stef.
This is between me and you.
Thanks so much... Not!
I am gonna knock your big
swangin' titties into next Tuesday.
Oh, my God, okay, wait, wait, wait.
I want to do one, I want
to do one, okay, okay, okay.
I'm gonna wipe the floor with you,
but it looks like you
already did that, cleaner!
No, I'm kidding, you
guys, I'm kidding, come on!
I'm Kidding!
Abbi, no!
Thank God. Nothing's broken.
All right, no need to
press charges, guys, okay?
Finish this now.
God, I thought I could handle it, dude.
But I guess all-caps Abbi
is just still up in me.
Oh! Gemma...
Abbi.
I am so sorry...
- Great Soulstice games today.
- Thank you.
You are stronger than you look.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
Hey. Cool shirt.
- Can I talk to you for a sec, Ab?
- Yeah, Trey, listen,
- I can explain what just happened.
- No, no, no.
I was gonna say, this
happens to every new trainer.
You don't have to do
steroids to be cool.
- You know?
- Okay.
- I...
- Because you're already cool.
Oh.
But if you are gonna do
steroids, I would suggest
starting with a half-dose of
anabolic the first couple weeks.
It does make your balls
shrivel, but in your case,
it's gonna make your boobs
rock hard, which is a bless.
Just a tip.
- Okay. All right.
- Love you, buddy.
- Ilana.
- Hey.
Too slow.
Good to see you, though.
That's funny, dude.
Like, even though I...
I hate any form of
aggression, especially yours,
all-caps Abbi fits in at Soulstice.
We are very upwardly
mobile right now, gotta say,
very Jay and Bey.
Speaking of which, I haven't
tweeted in twelve twinutes.
- What am I gonna tweet about?
- Interesting vocab.
What should I tweet about?
Oh, my God.
Of course, a horse!
This tweet will be
my Ms. 'Olland's Opus.
I'm gonna sprint home right now.
- To Queens?
- Yeah, you want to race me?
I'm not going to Queens...
Woof...
Deals, Deals, Deals...
I'm doing you right.
_
You okay?
Let's go.
I've never seen Todd so aggressive.
Therapy.
Ilana, you're fired.
What? I just got promoted.
You tweeted an extremely
graphic bestiality video.
Todd, it's "Mr. Hands."
It's a staple of early digital culture.
- Talk about viral. Google it.
- I don't have to!
You tweeted it from the
company Twitter account.
It's a PR nightmare.
You're welcome. Now
we have a PR nightmare.
It's cool.
It was a guy fucking a horse.
Yeah, and it's a deal for colonics.
It's brilliant!
I was just doing my job really well.
And if you did your homework, Todd,
you would know that the
horse was fucking the guy.
It's chill!
I need you to get your
things and leave the office.
- We can work this out.
- I have been covering for you for far too long.
- I have put my blood, sweat...
- You make all the other employees uncomfortable.
- And farts into this company.
- Uncomfortable does not begin to describe
- how you make the others...
- I am heading the corporate morale department.
- The amount of money you cost us in paper alone
- And thanks to me,
- I'm hardly making any commission,
- makes it worth letting you go.
- which saves the company money.
- Ilana, Ilana, Ilana.
I need you to leave.
I should stay.
- I need you to leave.
- I should stay.
I am strong, and you are fired.
This is just the white man holding
on to the last nugget of his power.
You white dudes are figuring
out that the jig is fucking up!
I'm gonna go talk to Mom!
Oh, you are absolutely
fired, effective immediately.
You're right, it's time to change.
And I figured it out.
I want to be... in you.
You need to leave.
Yeah, I... ahem... Yep.
This is it, guys.
The last hurrah.
I'm really gonna miss this place.
I'm gonna miss each of
you. You're like family.
I'm gonna miss you
white guy number seven.
You make Jews look good.
You're hot.
Goodbye, white guy number three.
Love the man bun. You started the trend.
And goodbye, Adult Braces.
I got those off seven months ago.
Would you rather I go
back to "Only Black Guy"?
Adult Braces is fine.
And you.
We are all proud of you, new girl.
I hired you.
Mmm.
And you.
Nicoletta, my princess.
My diamond. My Princess Di!
You are the reason I come
to work every other day.
You're the hardest
one to say goodbye to.
Don't cry, don't cry.
Ow!
Goodbyes are hard, but this
is not goodbye for you and me.
We will be together again.
I am gonna crack that nut.
I think that's just about enough.
One last thing.
I'm leaving him here because I
really do believe in corporate morale.
- You're sure?
- Yes.
♪ Joyful joyful Lord ♪
♪ We adore thee ♪
♪ God of glory ♪
♪ Lord of love ♪
♪ Joyful joyful Lord ♪
♪ We adore thee ♪
♪ God of glory, Lord of love ♪
♪ Hearts unfold like
flowers before thee ♪
♪ Hail Thee as the sun above ♪
♪ By the way ♪
♪ What have you done
for Him lately? ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh yes ♪
♪ Joyful joyful Lord we adore thee ♪
♪ God of glory god of love ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ Fill us with the light
of day Lord, fill us ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ Oh we need you yes
we do now fill us ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ Fill us with the light of day ♪
Nicole!
♪ Light of day ♪
Nicole!
I need you to absorb Ilana's deal.
Day 511...
It ends.
I'm free.
You know what? I'm gonna
unfollow Deals, Deals, Deals.
- Pssh, you should.
- Oh, my God.
Look what they tweeted.
"We sincerely apologize
for our last tweet.
"It was posted by a former employee
who suffers from mental health issues."
We all do.
"We hope she's getting
the help she needs."
- I'm with you, so I am.
- Okay.
"We do not promote bestiality,
but we still promote colonics."
The horse was fucking the guy.
It's honestly not that bad.
It's not as bad as if...
a human was fucking the animal.
That's all. That's all.
I... I think everyone agrees, on that.
- Right?
- Awesome.
But fuck them, dude.
- You don't need them.
- That's what I say, I don't.
That was the worst job in the
world, don't even worry about it.
I know, fuck them.
Let's just forget all our flaws,
'cause today was a total fluke.
Yeah, well, I wish I could forget, like,
my hunger for competition, but it's like...
It's online, so, like, I can't...
Red Rover's online?
Ow, Ilana.
Show me now!
Whoa...
Woo!
Red Rover, Red Rover,
send Abbi right over!
Ahh!
Let go! Come on, let me through!
Oh, she's biting me!
- Abbi, Abbi!
- Arms up!
Breathe, breathe... Shh...
- Jesus, Abbi.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- I'm fine.
I'm gonna let you go now.
- She's going!
- She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!
- Abbi.
- Abbi!
Come on!
Abbi, you're not in trouble, ok?
- Abbi!
- Abbi!
Where is she?
Ah!
Two, three, four.
And let's reverse it.
Two, three, four, that's great.
Whoa, are we DJs right now?
What are we doing? I don't know.
- This is hard, right?
- This is hard.
Let's take it from a ten to a three.
Uh-oh, I'm a bird.
Flying to Florida, woo!
- Flying to Florida.
- Squints!
Squints! Everybody, out of the pool!
Come on! You can make it!
You can do it!
Breathe, breathe!
- Come on, breathe, breathe.
- Come on!
Oh, he's lying, Abbi.
He's a dirty liar.
Squints, are you fucking kidding me?
Dude, you did this three weeks ago.
One more time and I am
leaving you in the pool to die.
Damn it.
I'll save you, Squints, that's
the reason I tattled on you.
Okay, guys. Class dismissed. I'll
see you on Thursday, though, right?
Great, it was a great class, guys.
Everyone except Squints, that was great.
Abbi? Listen.
I know how to do it
without popping your cherry.
Come on.
Your husband will never
suspect on your wedding night.
You know that I know your granddaughter.
I'm texting her right now.
Elder abuse!
Elder abuse!
Elder abuse!
♪ Four and three and
two and one-one ♪♪
She shoots, she scores!
Ooh!
Sorry. Sorry.
Ilana.
Herr Terrd.
What are you doing here?
Literally nothing!
I'm doing stuff, I'm working.
No, I e-mailed you last night
in a very large, bold font,
saying not to come in today.
I refuse to use that e-mail
address, you know that.
I'm legal, Todd.
Look, there's an investor coming
today. This is very important.
- We need the second round of funding...
- Dude, this means money.
Because I have a bazillion app ideas
that some crusty old white douche
would jizz his little pantsuit for.
Dis good.
- Dis real good.
- Go home.
- You're wearing a dog hoodie.
- Chill, Miss Thang.
This isn't a dog hoodie. It's from the
dog owner's section of American Apparel...
It has ear holes for dog ears.
Why would they do that in a
hood? A hood is to cover a head.
Is there a pocket on the back?
There is. Also has a leash hole.
Not the first time
this has happened to me.
Three other times. I'm gonna fix this
and we are both gonna be billionaires.
No. Chamillionaires.
Bow, bow,
na-now-now... That's us.
Ab-bay.
- You smell like chlorine, I love it.
- Oh, thanks Trey.
You know, before you were a
trainer, everybody goofed on me
so hard for decorating my locker.
Yeah, I need to.
It's like, I need to curate
my space and, it's like,
a vision board, you...
You know what I mean?
Because it's like, I put my stuff in it.
That's why I have to do it.
Exactly, you know? It's
so boring not to decorate.
I just want to get in here, Axe my
body from head to toe and then...
- Zen out.
- Zen out.
- Jinx!
- Jinx!
I was gonna say jinx.
Oh. We're buds.
Zen out jinx!
Oh, Abbi. I love you.
I... I love you...
- You do too?
- Yeah.
You're my little cupcake.
My supplements.
All hands on deck.
Ab.
You know, there's a private
changing room around the corner,
if you'd be more comfortable.
No, I'm totally at ease.
Cool.
- Where is it?
- It's just by the shower.
I might check it out, just to,
like, see what... Spacially...
Yeah, sorry.
Fixed it.
Nic, fierce shoulder pads. Date night?
No, the investor's coming.
Todd just told you.
Woof, baby brain.
Are you pregnant?
No, are you?
No.
♪ Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Su lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre ♪
♪ Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre ♪♪
Fuh-law-less
bish!
Ilana, this is our
investor, Elizabeth Carlton.
That is the freshest blazer.
- Ilana.
- Pleasure to...
- Hi.
- This is Ilana Wexler
and Nicole Klorn.
They're two of our New York saleswomen.
Salespeople, I'm sorry.
Hello, Mrs. Carlton.
- Miss Carlton.
- Yes!
But you can call me Elizabeth.
This will foster a sense of equality.
And you can call me Ilana.
This will foster a sense of, um...
You knowing my name.
TJ Maxx.
70% off.
Maxxinista! Ay, Chihuahua!
I don't know if I want
to be her or be in here.
Ooh, I just got a chill.
Can you rub my back, real fast and hard?
Real fast and hard.
Soulstice games! Soulstice games day!
Soulstice games! It's
the Soulstice games day!
Woo!
That's today?
Oh, yeah, your first Soulstice games.
Wow. I remember my first time.
I was 23 and I had just found
out I was allergic to cashews.
Cool, uh... I don't think
that I should participate.
Oh, no, you'll be great,
you'll fit right in.
No, um... I get...
I get a little intense
about competition.
In high school, people used
to call me Tonya Harding.
Don't worry about it. It's not
about who wins and loses, you know?
It's just about team building.
There's no "I" in "Soulstice."
- But there's...
- Well, yes, there is, yes.
I've actually been trying to get them
to change it to a "Y" for a long time.
Anyway, you're gonna have
fun. Plus, it's mandatory.
All right, weigh-in
starts in ten, you guys,
so you still got time to shave your
pubes if you need to lose that last L-B.
There's where the
fucking pubes come from.
It's a crowded market out there.
Groupon, LifeBooker, Yippit,
JewDeal, GroupSwoop.
What makes Deals, Deals,
Deals different, hmm?
Exactly. Nothing.
We have to rise above the fray.
Reach out to new customers.
Now, who's in charge of social media?
Our company hasn't tweeted in six days.
What's worse, it's just a link.
No voice, no copy.
Who's gonna click on
it, let alone share it?
- What do you click on?
- I'm sorry.
What's viral to you? You, Maxxinista.
What would I click on?
Well, I love me some Salad Fingers.
Explain.
It's this guy with romaine
lettuce for fingers,
and he rubs up all on this spoon like...
Salad fingers.
It's, uh, early Randomcore.
I mean, everything on eBaum's World.
"End of Ze World"? No?
The Aicha kid? That white kid, skinny,
crispy gelled hair and he does the whole
choreographed dance with the bean bag?
♪ Aicha Aicha ♪
♪ Passin' me by ♪♪
No? Dudes, what grade are...
How old are you guys?
35 in May.
I have no idea what you're saying.
And I love it.
What do you do here?
Total transparency, I spent most
of the day coloring in my tummy.
Todd, you are clearly underutilizing
someone who's got their Salad Fingers...
on the pulse.
Maxxinista, you're running
our Twitter account.
And you are gonna get this
company some attention.
Miss Hot Lady, you got it!
You got this, you're cool.
Be cool. Just be fucking cool, man.
All right, guys, five
minutes 'til we start.
Keep those muscles warm, all right?
Love you guys.
You think you're doing a V-snap?
Well, I'll lap your V-snap.
Master your V-snap.
God...
What? I mean...
Hey, dude, how are you?
Is it okay if I tweet one
of your "before" wax pics?
Which one?
Neck?
Fine, just... Just blur my
face, okay? Listen, I gotta go.
Four-minute warning.
Where are you right now?
Are you at a day nightclub?
No, I'm... I'm just hanging loose.
Just running errands.
How dare you lie to your wife?
I hear your teeth
grinding through the phone.
You're at a competitive
event, aren't you?
Let's just hold on
and just listen to me.
I need you to just hear me out
and just listen to me, because...
Ab-bi! August 4th.
2002. Camp Kweebec. Red Rover.
I remember, Ilana. I
remember the whole thing.
I remember everyone
being so fucking jealous,
'cause I beat them so fucking hard.
All right, I'm coming
there as soon as I can.
- Where are you?
- Fine, you better fucking come!
I'm at the park where that
dude sold my other sandal.
Jesus.
God!
Good energy right there. All right?
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
So, so many good options for lunch.
I actually spearheaded
the menu binder project.
I'm on a cleanse. Speaking
of which, excuse me.
Ilana!
Bathroom!
Do something!
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
Sorry, uh, sorry about that.
I... I just wanted to
show you the bathroom,
myself, personally.
Thanks, I'm familiar.
Also, if you need sanitary
napkins or similar products,
we give those away free
here. I... I understand.
M-My mom spotted well into her 60s.
Thanks, Todd.
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪
♪ I shit ♪♪
Come on!
Come on, Trey, let's do this!
Let's go!
Wow!
Wow, wow!
- Nice, good game.
- There are no losers!
Slow down, Abbi!
Speed up, Claz, come on!
Red team wins!
You kidding me right now? We had
that. That is a bullshit call.
See you in the fucking parking lot.
- Everything okay?
- This is how we play.
We know each other and
we go way back. All right?
Okay.
Next event, right?
Come on, Claz, come on!
- Pull it!
- C'mon, Claz, come on!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Red team, you guys come and eat
my ass one at a fucking time.
Unh! Line up, come on.
I'm selling tickets.
What... What's going on?
No... I'm...
I was kidding, I was
totally kidding around.
You guys were great.
♪ I bike ♪
♪ I bike ♪
♪ I bike ♪ Yeah
♪ I lock ♪
♪ I lock ♪♪
Oh, my God.
Yes.
"Soloplay, bb's...
50% off vibrators at Vibeland."
69 notifications?
Fist!
♪ I tweet ♪
♪ I tweet ♪
♪ I tweet ♪
Yes! Yes!
What now, Tomas, huh?
Who's the hot commodity now, huh?
It's me, yes!
- Tomas!
- Okay.
Yankee Candle store, vanilla bean.
BB&B, right when it opens.
8:00 a.m., you and the employees.
Oh, man, I love that.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Dude, I feel crazy.
God, I have to half-nelson
you like you're a dog?
- You half-nelson dogs? -
Don't make this about me.
You are all-caps Abbi right now.
I need you to be case sensitive.
- Everybody's weirded out.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna sit out.
- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna sit out for the rest.
- Chillin'.
- Okay. Thanks, dude, I really appreciate it.
- All right, just breathe deep.
Okay.
Okay, guys, we're all tied up.
It comes down to the pugil-stick event.
Stef verse Gemma.
Fair fight. Come on.
- No, no, Trey, hold up.
- No, no, no.
Not today.
Sorry, Stef.
This is between me and you.
Thanks so much... Not!
I am gonna knock your big
swangin' titties into next Tuesday.
Oh, my God, okay, wait, wait, wait.
I want to do one, I want
to do one, okay, okay, okay.
I'm gonna wipe the floor with you,
but it looks like you
already did that, cleaner!
No, I'm kidding, you
guys, I'm kidding, come on!
I'm Kidding!
Abbi, no!
Thank God. Nothing's broken.
All right, no need to
press charges, guys, okay?
Finish this now.
God, I thought I could handle it, dude.
But I guess all-caps Abbi
is just still up in me.
Oh! Gemma...
Abbi.
I am so sorry...
- Great Soulstice games today.
- Thank you.
You are stronger than you look.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
Hey. Cool shirt.
- Can I talk to you for a sec, Ab?
- Yeah, Trey, listen,
- I can explain what just happened.
- No, no, no.
I was gonna say, this
happens to every new trainer.
You don't have to do
steroids to be cool.
- You know?
- Okay.
- I...
- Because you're already cool.
Oh.
But if you are gonna do
steroids, I would suggest
starting with a half-dose of
anabolic the first couple weeks.
It does make your balls
shrivel, but in your case,
it's gonna make your boobs
rock hard, which is a bless.
Just a tip.
- Okay. All right.
- Love you, buddy.
- Ilana.
- Hey.
Too slow.
Good to see you, though.
That's funny, dude.
Like, even though I...
I hate any form of
aggression, especially yours,
all-caps Abbi fits in at Soulstice.
We are very upwardly
mobile right now, gotta say,
very Jay and Bey.
Speaking of which, I haven't
tweeted in twelve twinutes.
- What am I gonna tweet about?
- Interesting vocab.
What should I tweet about?
Oh, my God.
Of course, a horse!
This tweet will be
my Ms. 'Olland's Opus.
I'm gonna sprint home right now.
- To Queens?
- Yeah, you want to race me?
I'm not going to Queens...
Woof...
Deals, Deals, Deals...
I'm doing you right.
_
You okay?
Let's go.
I've never seen Todd so aggressive.
Therapy.
Ilana, you're fired.
What? I just got promoted.
You tweeted an extremely
graphic bestiality video.
Todd, it's "Mr. Hands."
It's a staple of early digital culture.
- Talk about viral. Google it.
- I don't have to!
You tweeted it from the
company Twitter account.
It's a PR nightmare.
You're welcome. Now
we have a PR nightmare.
It's cool.
It was a guy fucking a horse.
Yeah, and it's a deal for colonics.
It's brilliant!
I was just doing my job really well.
And if you did your homework, Todd,
you would know that the
horse was fucking the guy.
It's chill!
I need you to get your
things and leave the office.
- We can work this out.
- I have been covering for you for far too long.
- I have put my blood, sweat...
- You make all the other employees uncomfortable.
- And farts into this company.
- Uncomfortable does not begin to describe
- how you make the others...
- I am heading the corporate morale department.
- The amount of money you cost us in paper alone
- And thanks to me,
- I'm hardly making any commission,
- makes it worth letting you go.
- which saves the company money.
- Ilana, Ilana, Ilana.
I need you to leave.
I should stay.
- I need you to leave.
- I should stay.
I am strong, and you are fired.
This is just the white man holding
on to the last nugget of his power.
You white dudes are figuring
out that the jig is fucking up!
I'm gonna go talk to Mom!
Oh, you are absolutely
fired, effective immediately.
You're right, it's time to change.
And I figured it out.
I want to be... in you.
You need to leave.
Yeah, I... ahem... Yep.
This is it, guys.
The last hurrah.
I'm really gonna miss this place.
I'm gonna miss each of
you. You're like family.
I'm gonna miss you
white guy number seven.
You make Jews look good.
You're hot.
Goodbye, white guy number three.
Love the man bun. You started the trend.
And goodbye, Adult Braces.
I got those off seven months ago.
Would you rather I go
back to "Only Black Guy"?
Adult Braces is fine.
And you.
We are all proud of you, new girl.
I hired you.
Mmm.
And you.
Nicoletta, my princess.
My diamond. My Princess Di!
You are the reason I come
to work every other day.
You're the hardest
one to say goodbye to.
Don't cry, don't cry.
Ow!
Goodbyes are hard, but this
is not goodbye for you and me.
We will be together again.
I am gonna crack that nut.
I think that's just about enough.
One last thing.
I'm leaving him here because I
really do believe in corporate morale.
- You're sure?
- Yes.
♪ Joyful joyful Lord ♪
♪ We adore thee ♪
♪ God of glory ♪
♪ Lord of love ♪
♪ Joyful joyful Lord ♪
♪ We adore thee ♪
♪ God of glory, Lord of love ♪
♪ Hearts unfold like
flowers before thee ♪
♪ Hail Thee as the sun above ♪
♪ By the way ♪
♪ What have you done
for Him lately? ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh yes ♪
♪ Joyful joyful Lord we adore thee ♪
♪ God of glory god of love ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ Fill us with the light
of day Lord, fill us ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ Oh we need you yes
we do now fill us ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ With the light of day, Lord ♪
♪ Fill us ♪
♪ Fill us with the light of day ♪
Nicole!
♪ Light of day ♪
Nicole!
I need you to absorb Ilana's deal.
Day 511...
It ends.
I'm free.
You know what? I'm gonna
unfollow Deals, Deals, Deals.
- Pssh, you should.
- Oh, my God.
Look what they tweeted.
"We sincerely apologize
for our last tweet.
"It was posted by a former employee
who suffers from mental health issues."
We all do.
"We hope she's getting
the help she needs."
- I'm with you, so I am.
- Okay.
"We do not promote bestiality,
but we still promote colonics."
The horse was fucking the guy.
It's honestly not that bad.
It's not as bad as if...
a human was fucking the animal.
That's all. That's all.
I... I think everyone agrees, on that.
- Right?
- Awesome.
But fuck them, dude.
- You don't need them.
- That's what I say, I don't.
That was the worst job in the
world, don't even worry about it.
I know, fuck them.
Let's just forget all our flaws,
'cause today was a total fluke.
Yeah, well, I wish I could forget, like,
my hunger for competition, but it's like...
It's online, so, like, I can't...
Red Rover's online?
Ow, Ilana.
Show me now!
Whoa...
Woo!
Red Rover, Red Rover,
send Abbi right over!
Ahh!
Let go! Come on, let me through!
Oh, she's biting me!
- Abbi, Abbi!
- Arms up!
Breathe, breathe... Shh...
- Jesus, Abbi.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- I'm fine.
I'm gonna let you go now.
- She's going!
- She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!
- Abbi.
- Abbi!
Come on!
Abbi, you're not in trouble, ok?
- Abbi!
- Abbi!
Where is she?
Ah!