Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Co-Op - full transcript
Abbi must pose as Ilana to cover her shift at the food co-op, while Ilana attends a doctor's appointment on Long Island.
Oh, I guarantee I can identify my
own butthole in a line up. 100%.
- Even if it's just a close up line up of buttholes?
- Yeah.
- No way, dude. Come on.
- Completely, I can identify yours.
Each one has a soul, an ass soul.
Hey, mamis, where you
going? A bra store?
I bet you got those big
boobies to feed all your babies.
Excuse me?
You can't talk to us like that.
Yeah, we're your elders.
How did he know we were
going to the bra store?
Why don't you come over
here and let me touch 'em.
Jesus.
The only way that you're
gonna get to touch these boobs
is if they graze the top of your head
as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!
Whoa! Whoa!
(laughing)
So you wanna ball? Let's go.
♪♪
Ooh.
(gasps)
No.
Aah!
Ooh! (laughing)
Tell your mom you got
schooled by two women.
Aw, yeah, bitches!
And reminder, I'll be by later
to (bleep) the shit out of her.
What? (laughing)
Oh, what about this, huh?
(grunting)
(shouts)
Oh... kay.
(whimpers)
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪
Hello? Good morning, everyone.
We open in five minutes.
This month's churron flavor is anise,
but there is a limit to
three churrons per customer,
so please maintain decorum.
Thank you.
You know, I'm not even
a huge macaroon girl,
and churros are just, like,
you know, hit or miss for me,
but the combination of...
Too early.
(whispers) I'm being nice.
(sighs)
(inhales deeply)
(exhales)
Okay.
Your total is 28.45.
Here's my co-op card.
(register beeps)
Ooh. It looks like you haven't
completed any of your work hours.
Just throw 'em on my tab. I'm
gonna knock 'em all out at once.
Okay, well, today's actually
the last possible day
you can complete your
shifts for this moon cycle.
Um, I really can't today.
Could I speak to the manager? I'm
sure I could work something out.
Um... sure.
Just, um... one second.
Hi.
We have a slight, um, issue.
Yeah?
Hi... Lori.
I haven't worked any of my hours.
And I have a really intense
doctor's appointment in Long Island.
There's something more important
in Long Island than organic produce?
For the privilege of membership,
you just have to work
six hours, you cooperate.
I am feeling this.
But it just also happens
to be the very last day
I can have this... procedure.
Well, either you
complete your shifts today
or you're banished from the co-op
for the rest of your body's life.
(chuckling)
Your choice.
♪♪
Ha ha! There she is.
Ugh, gorgeous, come on.
- Wow, how 'dat?
- So worth it.
Ugh, love your leggings.
And your legs. And your butt.
- Thank you so much.
- Really cute.
You just made my day. Do you
want one of these churrons?
- Sure.
- Thanks so much.
Later, line buddy.
That was sweet.
It's okay.
- I would have eaten that.
- Okay, so down to biz. Business.
You know how I joined that
food co-op a few months ago?
Uh, yeah, your meals have given me
like the healthiest shits of my life.
It's like, dump out, flawless,
dump out, flawless.
So, I haven't worked any hours
yet, and I need to do them today.
- Obviously, I would do them, but...
- You're going to the doctor.
Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa...
Dude, I just said you're
going to the doctor.
No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.
Oh! Almost forgot.
- Oh, yes, Gaga.
- Yes.
Oh, my God.
So obviously, the three of
us can't lose my membership,
- so I need you to cover my shift.
- I can cover for you.
But here da damn 'tang.
Not for me. As me.
Co-op members cannot share shifts,
so technically you need to be me.
How's that gonna work?
Well, no one knows me there yet.
I... haven't worked any of my hours.
But I need you to make
the right first impression
so that when I do work, no
one will know the difference.
You know what, I would love
to live a day in your shoes.
That sounds really fun and very easy.
(chuckling)
Not literally in my shoes,
'cause I'm a size five and...
Yeah, I understand.
Okay. I'm gonna just end it there.
Squished 11!
More, more. More, more, more!
(inhales deeply)
(breathes heavily)
Yas, queen.
Yas, queen.
- Yas, queen!
- Yas, queen!
Again! Yas, queen!
- Yas, queen.
- I smell a duke!
Smell... smell a duke!
- Nice pussy boot!
- Nice pussy boot!
(high pitch) I love you, Abbi!
(high pitch) I love you, Abbi!
Do it!
There you go, you're getting it!
There you go, you're getting it!
Aww, what up, my babies!
(lisping) Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!
Rape culture sucks!
Recognize!
Lincoln, hey, woo!
(imitating fanfare)
My Lincoln Towncar.
But this is a... A Prius, right?
Yeah, but I call it that
because my name is Lincoln.
And I'm gonna drive
around town in my car.
(forcefully laughing)
You okay?
Sorry. I'm so (bleep) nervous.
- Me too.
- You are?
About something else.
I brought you some
comfort food. Turkey jerky.
Organic fruit leather
and some Tuscan nut mix.
(sighs)
I'm not really that hungry, though.
I never understand when people say that,
but I anticipated it.
That's why I had Jaimé make
you a... ginger blunt man!
Oh, my God! With real honey!
While I thought an extraordinary
blunt would probably do the trick,
I knew I had to take
it to the next level.
Aww. That almost makes
me feel kind of okay.
♪♪
(chuckling)
Okay, Ilana Wexler?
- Uh... kyuh.
- Great.
Somebody groomed their
dreadlocks in the bathroom.
You can get started by
cleaning those hair stumps.
(chuckles)
You know what, Martha?
It's Kristy.
Exactly.
I feel like you really get me.
And you know why?
Because you're a "kween".
And you know who else is a kween?
She's a kween.
And we queens, we cannot
be in the back of the bus,
cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks.
"Ja-feel"?
- Do you want another assignment?
- Yas, yas, yas.
Okay, why don't you just go help out
Craig with setting up the bulk bins?
Okay, Craig...
♪♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Could treat me like you do ♪
♪ Only she ♪♪
Wow.
I mean... kyuh.
Since when do you bite your nails?
I didn't even notice. I
do it when I'm nervous.
You can't be nervous,
you're my rock today.
Oh, God.
Ilana, what are you
doing? (car horn honks)
This is dangerous! Prisons are
safe, but they're not that safe!
I need to be swaddled!
Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me,
at least let me drive
and give me road head.
Well, do you want to die
and how does that even work?
Road hand, whatever.
Just quit the pillow
talk and get me off!
I'm driving!
All I'm saying is that we are
on the fast track to, like,
caramel and queerdom.
Huh?
Sexuality is on a spectrum.
It's like, we are just
dancers in the dark,
we're just shards.
"Shweet" ink.
"Shweet" ink, brah!
Sweet tat.
Thanks, it's inspired
by a Bukowski poem.
I actually drew it.
- You drew this?
- Yeah.
I'm an artist.
I mean, not that I
pay the bills with it.
That is amazing, me...
Me... me friend is an artist that
does not pay the bills with it, either.
So I get that. Uh, her name is Abbi.
Oh, cool, what's she make?
Well, she's actually
mostly an illustrator.
I can actually show you.
She sends it to me.
She has this new series
called "Where Are They Now?"
And it's, like, popular
toys and stuff from the '90s
doing, like, office jobs.
They're hilarious. I love it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
(scoffs) Yeah. I mean, I knew you would.
'Cause Abbi's kind of like this
undiscovered genius with an ass of an angel.
Yeah.
(chuckling) Martha!
It's Kristy. And that wasn't funny.
Respect the produce, dude.
So anyway, where did
Abbi go to art school?
Um...
♪♪
(snorting)
What are you doing?
Smelling Abbi.
Thank you so much, sweet Lincoln.
Thank you for calming me today.
You challenged me to
grow and be a big girl.
Ilana Wexler?
(inhales deeply)
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Ilana.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Ilana. Ilana!
Please stop, please stop,
please stop, please stop!
You have to have all three shots
for the HPV vaccine to even work.
I love my HPV.
I heard your parents
are getting a divorce.
What? Oh, (bleep)!
That's what I say to
distract all the kids...
- (bleep) shit!
- When they're getting their shot.
That's what they say back to me.
So, um, you're all done.
Red.
(whispers) Oh, God.
- Thank you.
- Oh, one more thing.
Can you turn over, please?
I'm just kidding.
So gullible.
Oh, please, thank your mom
for that Coach bag she got me.
I cannot tell you how many
compliments I get on it.
She really knows how to pick
'em. Doesn't it look so real?
You're kidding.
Mm-hmm.
And a'nudder tang...
Abbi's just incredibly bold and dynamic.
One summer, she traveled across
the country following Phish,
selling mushroom chocolates.
No way, I was a Phish head.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Set the gear shift to the
high gear of your soul.
Run like an antelope outta control.
Yeah, yeah!
Are you a Phish head, too?
No. Not me. Uh, Abbi is.
I just know the one lyric.
(spits)
(sighs)
(nails biting)
You still seem stressed.
You want to blow off some steam?
You know, I'm technically Abbi today, so
if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome.
To be honest,
I've been working up the courage to
tell you something all day. (gasps)
This is hard.
I hooked up with someone else.
(exhales deeply)
- Not bad.
- Not bad.
I know we just met, so...
I hope this doesn't seem too forward,
but I was wondering what
you think about maybe...
setting me up with Abbi.
She seems really, really cool.
I would love to go out.
Wait, uh, I was talking
about your friend.
No, I know, it's like, "mmmdoy"!
You two are gonna be, like, so hot,
you're gonna be like, "Uhh, uhh, uhh!"
Both get, like, super wet, downtown!
Down twat!
Vape life!
Uh...
(grunting)
Yeah, yeah!
(Steve Urkel impression) Did I do that?
(bleep)!
Ugh!
So you're telling me she jerked you off
for eight minutes with what kind of oil?
Almond.
(sighs)
Ugh!
Then you had sex doggy
style, and who finished first?
- I don't...
- Tell me!
She did?
Oh!
(grunts)
(straining)
And then you spooned watching
YouTube videos of news anchor fails.
Who was which spoon?
I was the little spoon!
That is so (bleep) hot!
♪ Huc-a-dangle,
woo-hoo! ♪
Couldn't read that reaction for a while.
Thank you so much for
telling me that, woo!
We are a modern day Will and
Jada. We are open sex friends.
- We are poly, we are bi.
- I'm not bi.
You're right, how do I know if I
haven't truly tested my boundaries?
Honestly, I've never felt closer to you.
You are a damn king.
What if we tricked her
into having a threesome?
People really shouldn't trick
other people into having sex.
Whoa.
I've heard so many women say that,
but when you say it, I really hear it.
All right, penis kiss.
(car horn honking) (kissing sounds)
Okay.
♪♪
So, wait. All porn is kiddie porn?
Basically, all entertainment
is porn. It's like, everywhere.
It's like, soon, they're gonna be, like,
screening on the inside of our eyes.
(Ilana) Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab.
(chuckling) What?
Lincoln hooked up with another girl.
She started by jerking
him off with almond oil.
She went slow but
really tight squeeze...
Okay, shh, shh, shh,
shh. Dude, you gotta go.
I've been hitting it off with
this guy and it's complicated.
Oh, hey.
Is this your friend Abbi?
Yeah, this is my friend, Abbi.
Ab, this is Craig.
A guy.
Hi, I'm Abbi.
I love pugs.
My family comes from a
long line of colonial Jews.
Ilana has told me so much about you.
It's crazy how much we have in common.
On the count of three,
your favorite Phish album.
One, two, three. "Rift"!
Sorry.
I have to take this.
Hello?
It's my doctor with the X-rays.
What?!
No, I don't need a labia reduction,
I was just asking about it.
And I'm gonna make a call to
the Better Business Bureau.
(scoffs)
Listen, on paper, Abbi seems perfect.
But she's just not my type physically.
I like a girl with a butt.
Me! Me, I have... butt.
Okay, come here.
(sighs)
I've been pretending to be Ilana.
I'm really Abbi. Hi.
Wait, what?
All that stuff I said
about Abbi, that's me.
I'm her.
Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish.
I wear full-length shirts.
This isn't me. This is me.
You impersonated someone to
cover a shift at the co-op?
Technically, that is...
how I would explain it.
No way.
The Abbi I've been hearing about all
day would never do something like this.
She would,
'cause I did, for my best friend.
I don't know what's more disgusting.
The fact that you've
been lying to me all day
or the fact that you
tried to cheat the co-op.
This is a place of trust.
In the words of Phish,
"Deduct the carrots from your pay,
you worthless, swampy fool."
"Cavern." I love that song.
Every 46 minutes of it.
How slick was that labia mention, right?
Yeah. How slick.
You signed a billion-year contract
specifically prohibiting
the sharing of shifts.
Guess I didn't read the fine print.
There it is, okay.
I'm sorry, but are you... breastfeeding?
The power of co-op
produce has made me fertile
into my 50s and beyond.
So amazing.
Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan.
- No butter.
- I just got it.
You two are SPs. Shitty peoples.
(camera shutter clicks)
You belong on garbage island.
Nobody belongs on garbage island!
(camera shutter clicks)
- We as a society are very...
- Puh-leeze! I know your type.
You act and you think like
you're all eco-conscious.
But I see you with your iced coffees
and your food to go.
You are garbage island,
and you are officially
disconnected from the co-op for life.
Fine. I hear the Bushwick
co-op is better anyway.
(laughing)
All the co-ops are connected.
We also have connections with
security at Whole Foods. (both gasp)
That's right, you two
are going to be eating
vending machine food
and bodega veggies for the
rest of your very short lives.
Now, get the (bleep) out.
Jesus.
You "carniv-whores"!
Go on!
(whispers) Oh, Robert.
(baby stirs) Oh, latch.
And then he gave her water
for her cranberry pills.
She's prone to UTls.
But you're not jealous at all?
You know, if you love something, you
have to let it have sex with other people.
And then if it comes back to you, dope,
'cause you also get to
have sex with other people.
I never heard that version.
I like it.
My whole arm hurts.
Don't you already have HPV?
Of course I have HPV.
I'd almost be embarrassed
not to have HPV at this point.
Totally.
But now, I don't have the three strains
that can cause cervical cancer.
(chuckling)
You know...
it's okay, what happened with Craig.
It's like, yeah, we hit it off.
Yeah, he was like, really (bleep) hot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he seemed to really like "Abbi."
Things just don't work out, but
he was right about one thing.
"Rift" is without a
doubt Phish's best album.
Studio album, at least.
Can I tell you something?
I don't think I've ever
heard a (bleep) Phish song.
What?
And that (bleep) was with a P-H.
- Yeah, never.
- No.
But, like, I feel like I
get it, like, it's all, like.
♪ Dollar for your problem boy ♪
♪ White dirty having
fun in the end ♪
No. (imitating bass line)
No, dude.
It's not far off though.
(imitating guitar)
(imitating percussion)
♪ She said she don't
wanna go downtown ♪
♪ She wanna stay on the farm ♪
Yeah!
own butthole in a line up. 100%.
- Even if it's just a close up line up of buttholes?
- Yeah.
- No way, dude. Come on.
- Completely, I can identify yours.
Each one has a soul, an ass soul.
Hey, mamis, where you
going? A bra store?
I bet you got those big
boobies to feed all your babies.
Excuse me?
You can't talk to us like that.
Yeah, we're your elders.
How did he know we were
going to the bra store?
Why don't you come over
here and let me touch 'em.
Jesus.
The only way that you're
gonna get to touch these boobs
is if they graze the top of your head
as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!
Whoa! Whoa!
(laughing)
So you wanna ball? Let's go.
♪♪
Ooh.
(gasps)
No.
Aah!
Ooh! (laughing)
Tell your mom you got
schooled by two women.
Aw, yeah, bitches!
And reminder, I'll be by later
to (bleep) the shit out of her.
What? (laughing)
Oh, what about this, huh?
(grunting)
(shouts)
Oh... kay.
(whimpers)
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪
Hello? Good morning, everyone.
We open in five minutes.
This month's churron flavor is anise,
but there is a limit to
three churrons per customer,
so please maintain decorum.
Thank you.
You know, I'm not even
a huge macaroon girl,
and churros are just, like,
you know, hit or miss for me,
but the combination of...
Too early.
(whispers) I'm being nice.
(sighs)
(inhales deeply)
(exhales)
Okay.
Your total is 28.45.
Here's my co-op card.
(register beeps)
Ooh. It looks like you haven't
completed any of your work hours.
Just throw 'em on my tab. I'm
gonna knock 'em all out at once.
Okay, well, today's actually
the last possible day
you can complete your
shifts for this moon cycle.
Um, I really can't today.
Could I speak to the manager? I'm
sure I could work something out.
Um... sure.
Just, um... one second.
Hi.
We have a slight, um, issue.
Yeah?
Hi... Lori.
I haven't worked any of my hours.
And I have a really intense
doctor's appointment in Long Island.
There's something more important
in Long Island than organic produce?
For the privilege of membership,
you just have to work
six hours, you cooperate.
I am feeling this.
But it just also happens
to be the very last day
I can have this... procedure.
Well, either you
complete your shifts today
or you're banished from the co-op
for the rest of your body's life.
(chuckling)
Your choice.
♪♪
Ha ha! There she is.
Ugh, gorgeous, come on.
- Wow, how 'dat?
- So worth it.
Ugh, love your leggings.
And your legs. And your butt.
- Thank you so much.
- Really cute.
You just made my day. Do you
want one of these churrons?
- Sure.
- Thanks so much.
Later, line buddy.
That was sweet.
It's okay.
- I would have eaten that.
- Okay, so down to biz. Business.
You know how I joined that
food co-op a few months ago?
Uh, yeah, your meals have given me
like the healthiest shits of my life.
It's like, dump out, flawless,
dump out, flawless.
So, I haven't worked any hours
yet, and I need to do them today.
- Obviously, I would do them, but...
- You're going to the doctor.
Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa...
Dude, I just said you're
going to the doctor.
No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.
Oh! Almost forgot.
- Oh, yes, Gaga.
- Yes.
Oh, my God.
So obviously, the three of
us can't lose my membership,
- so I need you to cover my shift.
- I can cover for you.
But here da damn 'tang.
Not for me. As me.
Co-op members cannot share shifts,
so technically you need to be me.
How's that gonna work?
Well, no one knows me there yet.
I... haven't worked any of my hours.
But I need you to make
the right first impression
so that when I do work, no
one will know the difference.
You know what, I would love
to live a day in your shoes.
That sounds really fun and very easy.
(chuckling)
Not literally in my shoes,
'cause I'm a size five and...
Yeah, I understand.
Okay. I'm gonna just end it there.
Squished 11!
More, more. More, more, more!
(inhales deeply)
(breathes heavily)
Yas, queen.
Yas, queen.
- Yas, queen!
- Yas, queen!
Again! Yas, queen!
- Yas, queen.
- I smell a duke!
Smell... smell a duke!
- Nice pussy boot!
- Nice pussy boot!
(high pitch) I love you, Abbi!
(high pitch) I love you, Abbi!
Do it!
There you go, you're getting it!
There you go, you're getting it!
Aww, what up, my babies!
(lisping) Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!
Rape culture sucks!
Recognize!
Lincoln, hey, woo!
(imitating fanfare)
My Lincoln Towncar.
But this is a... A Prius, right?
Yeah, but I call it that
because my name is Lincoln.
And I'm gonna drive
around town in my car.
(forcefully laughing)
You okay?
Sorry. I'm so (bleep) nervous.
- Me too.
- You are?
About something else.
I brought you some
comfort food. Turkey jerky.
Organic fruit leather
and some Tuscan nut mix.
(sighs)
I'm not really that hungry, though.
I never understand when people say that,
but I anticipated it.
That's why I had Jaimé make
you a... ginger blunt man!
Oh, my God! With real honey!
While I thought an extraordinary
blunt would probably do the trick,
I knew I had to take
it to the next level.
Aww. That almost makes
me feel kind of okay.
♪♪
(chuckling)
Okay, Ilana Wexler?
- Uh... kyuh.
- Great.
Somebody groomed their
dreadlocks in the bathroom.
You can get started by
cleaning those hair stumps.
(chuckles)
You know what, Martha?
It's Kristy.
Exactly.
I feel like you really get me.
And you know why?
Because you're a "kween".
And you know who else is a kween?
She's a kween.
And we queens, we cannot
be in the back of the bus,
cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks.
"Ja-feel"?
- Do you want another assignment?
- Yas, yas, yas.
Okay, why don't you just go help out
Craig with setting up the bulk bins?
Okay, Craig...
♪♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Could treat me like you do ♪
♪ Only she ♪♪
Wow.
I mean... kyuh.
Since when do you bite your nails?
I didn't even notice. I
do it when I'm nervous.
You can't be nervous,
you're my rock today.
Oh, God.
Ilana, what are you
doing? (car horn honks)
This is dangerous! Prisons are
safe, but they're not that safe!
I need to be swaddled!
Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me,
at least let me drive
and give me road head.
Well, do you want to die
and how does that even work?
Road hand, whatever.
Just quit the pillow
talk and get me off!
I'm driving!
All I'm saying is that we are
on the fast track to, like,
caramel and queerdom.
Huh?
Sexuality is on a spectrum.
It's like, we are just
dancers in the dark,
we're just shards.
"Shweet" ink.
"Shweet" ink, brah!
Sweet tat.
Thanks, it's inspired
by a Bukowski poem.
I actually drew it.
- You drew this?
- Yeah.
I'm an artist.
I mean, not that I
pay the bills with it.
That is amazing, me...
Me... me friend is an artist that
does not pay the bills with it, either.
So I get that. Uh, her name is Abbi.
Oh, cool, what's she make?
Well, she's actually
mostly an illustrator.
I can actually show you.
She sends it to me.
She has this new series
called "Where Are They Now?"
And it's, like, popular
toys and stuff from the '90s
doing, like, office jobs.
They're hilarious. I love it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
(scoffs) Yeah. I mean, I knew you would.
'Cause Abbi's kind of like this
undiscovered genius with an ass of an angel.
Yeah.
(chuckling) Martha!
It's Kristy. And that wasn't funny.
Respect the produce, dude.
So anyway, where did
Abbi go to art school?
Um...
♪♪
(snorting)
What are you doing?
Smelling Abbi.
Thank you so much, sweet Lincoln.
Thank you for calming me today.
You challenged me to
grow and be a big girl.
Ilana Wexler?
(inhales deeply)
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Ilana.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Ilana. Ilana!
Please stop, please stop,
please stop, please stop!
You have to have all three shots
for the HPV vaccine to even work.
I love my HPV.
I heard your parents
are getting a divorce.
What? Oh, (bleep)!
That's what I say to
distract all the kids...
- (bleep) shit!
- When they're getting their shot.
That's what they say back to me.
So, um, you're all done.
Red.
(whispers) Oh, God.
- Thank you.
- Oh, one more thing.
Can you turn over, please?
I'm just kidding.
So gullible.
Oh, please, thank your mom
for that Coach bag she got me.
I cannot tell you how many
compliments I get on it.
She really knows how to pick
'em. Doesn't it look so real?
You're kidding.
Mm-hmm.
And a'nudder tang...
Abbi's just incredibly bold and dynamic.
One summer, she traveled across
the country following Phish,
selling mushroom chocolates.
No way, I was a Phish head.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Set the gear shift to the
high gear of your soul.
Run like an antelope outta control.
Yeah, yeah!
Are you a Phish head, too?
No. Not me. Uh, Abbi is.
I just know the one lyric.
(spits)
(sighs)
(nails biting)
You still seem stressed.
You want to blow off some steam?
You know, I'm technically Abbi today, so
if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome.
To be honest,
I've been working up the courage to
tell you something all day. (gasps)
This is hard.
I hooked up with someone else.
(exhales deeply)
- Not bad.
- Not bad.
I know we just met, so...
I hope this doesn't seem too forward,
but I was wondering what
you think about maybe...
setting me up with Abbi.
She seems really, really cool.
I would love to go out.
Wait, uh, I was talking
about your friend.
No, I know, it's like, "mmmdoy"!
You two are gonna be, like, so hot,
you're gonna be like, "Uhh, uhh, uhh!"
Both get, like, super wet, downtown!
Down twat!
Vape life!
Uh...
(grunting)
Yeah, yeah!
(Steve Urkel impression) Did I do that?
(bleep)!
Ugh!
So you're telling me she jerked you off
for eight minutes with what kind of oil?
Almond.
(sighs)
Ugh!
Then you had sex doggy
style, and who finished first?
- I don't...
- Tell me!
She did?
Oh!
(grunts)
(straining)
And then you spooned watching
YouTube videos of news anchor fails.
Who was which spoon?
I was the little spoon!
That is so (bleep) hot!
♪ Huc-a-dangle,
woo-hoo! ♪
Couldn't read that reaction for a while.
Thank you so much for
telling me that, woo!
We are a modern day Will and
Jada. We are open sex friends.
- We are poly, we are bi.
- I'm not bi.
You're right, how do I know if I
haven't truly tested my boundaries?
Honestly, I've never felt closer to you.
You are a damn king.
What if we tricked her
into having a threesome?
People really shouldn't trick
other people into having sex.
Whoa.
I've heard so many women say that,
but when you say it, I really hear it.
All right, penis kiss.
(car horn honking) (kissing sounds)
Okay.
♪♪
So, wait. All porn is kiddie porn?
Basically, all entertainment
is porn. It's like, everywhere.
It's like, soon, they're gonna be, like,
screening on the inside of our eyes.
(Ilana) Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab.
(chuckling) What?
Lincoln hooked up with another girl.
She started by jerking
him off with almond oil.
She went slow but
really tight squeeze...
Okay, shh, shh, shh,
shh. Dude, you gotta go.
I've been hitting it off with
this guy and it's complicated.
Oh, hey.
Is this your friend Abbi?
Yeah, this is my friend, Abbi.
Ab, this is Craig.
A guy.
Hi, I'm Abbi.
I love pugs.
My family comes from a
long line of colonial Jews.
Ilana has told me so much about you.
It's crazy how much we have in common.
On the count of three,
your favorite Phish album.
One, two, three. "Rift"!
Sorry.
I have to take this.
Hello?
It's my doctor with the X-rays.
What?!
No, I don't need a labia reduction,
I was just asking about it.
And I'm gonna make a call to
the Better Business Bureau.
(scoffs)
Listen, on paper, Abbi seems perfect.
But she's just not my type physically.
I like a girl with a butt.
Me! Me, I have... butt.
Okay, come here.
(sighs)
I've been pretending to be Ilana.
I'm really Abbi. Hi.
Wait, what?
All that stuff I said
about Abbi, that's me.
I'm her.
Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish.
I wear full-length shirts.
This isn't me. This is me.
You impersonated someone to
cover a shift at the co-op?
Technically, that is...
how I would explain it.
No way.
The Abbi I've been hearing about all
day would never do something like this.
She would,
'cause I did, for my best friend.
I don't know what's more disgusting.
The fact that you've
been lying to me all day
or the fact that you
tried to cheat the co-op.
This is a place of trust.
In the words of Phish,
"Deduct the carrots from your pay,
you worthless, swampy fool."
"Cavern." I love that song.
Every 46 minutes of it.
How slick was that labia mention, right?
Yeah. How slick.
You signed a billion-year contract
specifically prohibiting
the sharing of shifts.
Guess I didn't read the fine print.
There it is, okay.
I'm sorry, but are you... breastfeeding?
The power of co-op
produce has made me fertile
into my 50s and beyond.
So amazing.
Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan.
- No butter.
- I just got it.
You two are SPs. Shitty peoples.
(camera shutter clicks)
You belong on garbage island.
Nobody belongs on garbage island!
(camera shutter clicks)
- We as a society are very...
- Puh-leeze! I know your type.
You act and you think like
you're all eco-conscious.
But I see you with your iced coffees
and your food to go.
You are garbage island,
and you are officially
disconnected from the co-op for life.
Fine. I hear the Bushwick
co-op is better anyway.
(laughing)
All the co-ops are connected.
We also have connections with
security at Whole Foods. (both gasp)
That's right, you two
are going to be eating
vending machine food
and bodega veggies for the
rest of your very short lives.
Now, get the (bleep) out.
Jesus.
You "carniv-whores"!
Go on!
(whispers) Oh, Robert.
(baby stirs) Oh, latch.
And then he gave her water
for her cranberry pills.
She's prone to UTls.
But you're not jealous at all?
You know, if you love something, you
have to let it have sex with other people.
And then if it comes back to you, dope,
'cause you also get to
have sex with other people.
I never heard that version.
I like it.
My whole arm hurts.
Don't you already have HPV?
Of course I have HPV.
I'd almost be embarrassed
not to have HPV at this point.
Totally.
But now, I don't have the three strains
that can cause cervical cancer.
(chuckling)
You know...
it's okay, what happened with Craig.
It's like, yeah, we hit it off.
Yeah, he was like, really (bleep) hot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he seemed to really like "Abbi."
Things just don't work out, but
he was right about one thing.
"Rift" is without a
doubt Phish's best album.
Studio album, at least.
Can I tell you something?
I don't think I've ever
heard a (bleep) Phish song.
What?
And that (bleep) was with a P-H.
- Yeah, never.
- No.
But, like, I feel like I
get it, like, it's all, like.
♪ Dollar for your problem boy ♪
♪ White dirty having
fun in the end ♪
No. (imitating bass line)
No, dude.
It's not far off though.
(imitating guitar)
(imitating percussion)
♪ She said she don't
wanna go downtown ♪
♪ She wanna stay on the farm ♪
Yeah!