Broad City (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Jews on a Plane - full transcript

Abbi gets her period while on an airplane and enlists Ilana's help to find a tampon.

Previously on "Broad City"...

To the airport!

You have a period stain.

I have weed in my vaginé.

Period pants are the ultimate decoy.

We'll have to check your luggage.

This bag is the bomb.

This is gonna have
to go under the plane.

Welcome to Birthmarc.

This is an all-expense
paid trip to Israel,

provided by your living ancestors,



so we're seated according
to match potential.

Enchanté.

Jews! Jews! Jews!

♪ Put your tray tables up and
put your seat back forward ♪

♪ And if you got something big ♪

♪ Put it in overhead storage ♪

♪ Life vest, seatbelt, oxygen ♪

♪ You better help yourself
before you help a friend ♪

Safety.

Yeah.



♪ And you can't be weird today ♪

♪ 'Cause there's too much
crazy stuff in the world today ♪

♪ Get real high ♪



♪ 'Cause we're flying
and zooming the sky ♪

♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪

4,000 steps.

Oh, Winona, you gotta kick it up, girl.

I just wish I had something to
talk about at my reunion, you know?

Maybe I shouldn't even go.

What?

No, you gotta go.

They're gonna miss you.

You need to go give them a load of Mona.

I just wish I had a...

Like, a talking point, you know?

I need a headline.

Whoa, girl.

Boy, those pilots,
they do such a good job.

- They really work hard.
- I'm telling you.

We should go check on them, see
if they want a little beverage.

- I'll be right back.
- Know what I mean?

Okay.

Everything okay?

Rough winds.

Looking good, girl.

Well, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to hit a rough patch.

If you move about the cabin,
please proceed with caution.

Up next is Rachel.

Hi, I'm Rachel Hanowitz.

Uh, Rachel Hoffman already
called Rachel H., sorry.

So you will be Rachel H-2.

I'm an event planner from Montana,

decent Jewish population
there, actually,

but I'm looking to make it bigger.

That's what I'm talking
about, huh, guys?

Thank you.

Uh, Mark?

Uh, shalom, my name is Mark.

I run a booming nail art
business outside Boston,

and I'm proudly gay... mazel...

But I'm looking for a
nice Jewish girl to marry.

Because that's the only way I
can gain access to my trust fund.

Nice!

Right on, Mark, all right.

Uh, Abbalah?

Hey.

Uh, I'm Abbi.

Just wanted to say that
I was one of the few

who had to check their carry-on,

even though I packed
really hard for a carry-on.

I practice packed a couple times.

Just felt like that was a sacrifice.

It felt a little Jewwy.

Um, Jewish-like.

Anyway, I graduated
with a fine arts degree.

So now I am a celebrity trainer.

Um, Kris Kristofferson
comes in, mostly core work.

It... Uh, it's pretty cool.

So I'm a little bit lost and, um,

yeah, I'm looking for
a spiritual experience,

kind find myself on this trip.

I'm sorry, Ilana, are you okay?

Yeah.

I'll go next.

Okay. Thank you, Abbi.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Hey, I'm Ilana, and right now,

I'm just looking to sit next to Abbi.

You know, I just want to
hang, get new jokes together.

Also, um, I've never been out
of the country, and also...

Also, I'm looking to get
into the Moyel Chai Club.

Thank you.

Okay.

Um...

Let's see, Rachel H-2,

you went to Dartmouth, huh?

Well, you know what?

I think I could see
a really bright future

with you and David 3,
who went to Cornell.

Ew, Cornell?

Hey, it's still an Ivy.

Ah, you guys sound like an
old married couple already.

Next up, Lauren, you went to
Brown, and Levi, you went to Tufts?

I mean, Red Rover, Red
Rover, let Levi come over!

Let's bring it on down to Gingerville!

I said, this is J fuck.

Oh, cool.

Listen, we should just
ask people to switch seats.

Get ya nag on!

Nagga, what?

Hmm?

No, no.

I don't... That was like...

Just a joke, I mean... Just delete that.

Yeah, delete.

We'll both forget it.

Yo, bud.

You wanna switch seats?

Sweet.

Thanks so much, my peer.

Excuse me, sir?

You are sitting in the lucky seat

we always upgrade to
first class midflight.

Congratulations. Come on up!

Let's get you a blanket
and a glass of champagne.

Ilana! Ilana!

Ilana, there's a seat!

Ilana!

No, no.

I'm good...

I'm good.

Shalom.

Sir, would you like to switch seats?

We did it, dude.

- Um, excuse me, sir?
- Ab, Ab.

Let the guy rest in peace.

Okay. I guess we're close enough.

Yeah.

So I've been meaning to tell you,

that was a sick mile high joke.

I wasn't joking.

The Moyel Chai Club.

You know how moyels suck baby dick?

Wait, wait, what's a moyel?

Honestly, are you Jewish?

You're not supposed to be
on this trip if you're not.

Dude, I'm sorry, what
the fuck is a moyel,

and why are they sucking baby dick?

A moyel is the Jewish dude
who performs the circumcisions.

You know, like a... a bris.

So they don't do it in the hospital,

so these rabbis can
do whatever they want.

So they take the detached baby foreskin,

and they roll it around
in their mouths with wine.

And then they suck the baby
dick itself to stop the bleeding.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Literally Judaism.

So at every bris,
someone sucks a baby dick?

Only the most sacred ceremonies do
we get to have the baby dick sucking.

They get to have it?

Yeah, it's like, Christian people
get the Nilla wafer and we get...

- Like a sacrament.
- What?

It's a wafer and when
you take it in your mouth,

you let go of all your sins.

- It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony.
- All right.

So we're going to Israel right now,

and we're supposed to be Jewish.

Anyway, Moyel Chai Club.

I want to suck a dick
on this flight, babe!

An adult dick, obviously.

I can't believe that
you want to suck a dick

after everything that just
came out of your mouth.

Something about doing it in the sky.

Ilana, look!

Oh, my God, dude, this is a free movie!

Maybe you are a Jew.

Look, look!

His headphones!

You are dark, dude.

I know.

He didn't get it off, man!

He got it off!

Hey, hey!

Shit, dude.

I just got my period.

Ugh.

Okay, it's fine, I packed tampons.

In my bag!

Dude, what if you use my period pants?

For what?

I... I don't know.

It just figures because I packed, like,

every type of tampon I could find.

It's all in my bag, under the plane.

All right, woman up.

Wad up a bunch of toilet paper
and shove it up your pussy.

Up?

Between the lips and the undies.

Dude, it's the first day.

Oof, first day.

That's like putting your
spoon into a molten lava cake.

It's like the first
bite of a jelly doughnut.

- It's like a side of chutney.
- It's like fruit on the bottom.

That's you right now.

You ever seen that
movie "The Impossible"?

Where that wall of
tsunami water just, like,

gushes up onto the beach?

Yikes.

I was just gonna say,
that movie is so sad.

Oh, yeah.

I really need a fucking tampon.

Shit, the line for the
bathroom is so long,

even if I did want to stick a wad up...

This must be what
homeless women feel like.

Dude, we're just in
coach, it's not that bad.

No, no. Like, how do they get tampons?

If you get a couple bucks, do you
buy food or do you buy tampons?

Whoa.

Tampons should be free.

Every woman should have access
to tampons, all different sizes.

And the only reason it's not that way

is because the government hates women.

This is true.

Elbows in, sir.

Here's a reunion story.

Tell them your Beyoncé's fourth-weekend
nanny and that she loves you.

I don't speak French.

Can I get you anything?

Um...

Do you guys have any tampons I could...

So sorry, no, we don't.

But we have soft drinks and
food, for an additional charge.

- Okay.
- You know what?

Let's get something to
distract from all of this.

We got a... a kosher snack pack for two.

- How much is that?
- $38.

- Oh, okay.
- All right.

There's a lot of good stuff in there.

It's yummy, you'll love it.

All right, elbows in now.

Let's get this out of the way.

I am loving your comfort
despite the circumstances.

Well, I'm currently sitting

in a pool of my own
uterine lining, so...

I'm feeling pretty comfortable.

Hey, hey, hey.

You know what you need to do?

You need to tell them
about all that money

that you gave to charity.

Then I have to tell them that
I had to ask for it all back

'cause I'm addicted to online poker.

Okay, tell them about the bone
marrow transplant that you gave me.

You gave me a bone marrow transplant.

Ooh, I forgot about that.

What?

This was $38?

Ugh, dude.

Someone on this plane
has got to have a tampon.

Yeah, you're right.

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

Do you guys have a tampon?

Absorbency...

Um, excuse me.

Do you by any chance have a tampon?

Oh, my goodness, no.

I'm flattered you asked,

even though many women my
age do experience spotting.

Oh!

I totally forgot about menopause.

Menopause isn't represented
in mainstream media.

Like, no one wants to talk about it.

Hey! Hey, buddy.

- Could I get that pita?
- This pita?

- That's almost in my mouth?
- Yeah.

My friend just got her period
and she doesn't have any tampons

and it's first-day flow.

Really heavy, and her
underpants are filling and...

- Just take it.
- Thank you.

I do have one.

Hold on, let me get my Longchamp.

Oh, yes!



♪ Banging 'til the
bells stop ringing ♪

Can you please return to your seat?

- Again.
- Yes, sorry.

I was just, um, gathering materials.

Okay. Thank you.

You're kidding, right?

What do you mean?

Oh, you're serious?

I thought that these, were, like,
a joke that all women shared.

I guess I'm just the monster

with a humongous vagina over here.

Fuck you, Lindsay.

Does yarmulke size have
anything to do with dick si...

Sorry, shlong size?

I think so.

Then it is way too big.

But can I borrow this yarmulke?

You're probably not gonna
want it back afterwards.

It's just so thick.

Oh!

I'm so glad you're
finally getting into it.

This is David 5,

he's in his third year
of orthopedic residency...

Wait, do you have a tampon?

N-no, why...

Do you have any interest

in meeting eligible
young Jews on this trip?

Yeah, that was the first thing I said,

that I wanted to join
the Moyel Chai Club.

And why don't you just
let it happen naturally?

Jews are so horny.

Horny.

Oh, my...

- That's offensive.
- Sorry.

Look, forgive me if I want to perpetuate
the glorious bloodline of the Jewish people.

It's a noble cause.

Really? That's your thing?

All right, look, I probably
shouldn't tell you this,

but I get a commission
off of every match made.

I get double if it's made
before we touch the ground.

- What?
- Hey, don't judge.

Look, it's one thing if you don't
want to take this trip seriously,

besmirch your Jewish heritage,

that's between you and HaShem.

But if you get between
me and my money...

That I will not stand for.

This is so against the rules.

Well, I won't Tel Aviv, if you won't.

Wait a minute, you know Aviv?

No, um...

No.

Oh.

Oh.

Holy sweet mother of Moses.

Uh...

Coming!

I gotta go, I gotta go!

Uh...

I... I would, uh...

Just a minute, wait a minute.

There's somebody still
finishing in there.

Excuse me.

Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club!

Dude, I've been waiting
for the bathroom forever.

Did you get me anything?

Remember, the wad up the lips?

I got you something better.

What is that?

It's a homemade tampon.

Because I am a woman who has
access to tampons normally,

I'm not gonna stick a pita up my pussy.

I get it.

Everyone is gonna be sorry they
turned their backs on their sisters.

Time is of the essence.

Any second, there's
gonna be an explosion

and there's gonna be
blood, like, everywhere.

Holy...

My headline.

They said "explosion".

They're clearly plotting something.

We need to call dispatch.

No, we're gonna do it.

For my reunion.

Okay.

Let's do it.

If we don't die, it's perfect.

Okay.

- Yes!
- She said yes!

What?

I'm buying champagne!

I guess he brought that ring.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations.

Cheers.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Ew.

Oh, my God, Ilana, look.

Holy yas.

So warm and moist.

Ew, what, dude?

That's not how to describe a tampon.

Tampons, genius!

We're gonna take 'em down.

I can get the goods

if you create a diversion.

I am great at diversions.

Like, I'm really good at spilling stuff,

and then people stare.

Like, it's not usually on purpose,
but I think that I can swing it.

Shabbat Shalom, motherfuck.

Yeah! Let's do this!

Yes!

Oh, man.

He's a heavy sleeper.

Yeah, he's dead asleep.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Let's do this!

We got this.

I love you.

Okay.

I have to be honest
be... before we do this.

I lost 200 pounds in two years,

and you never said anything.

I beat cancer, and come on,

I was on "Extreme Couponing".

We never talk about me!

So, yes, I love you,

but I don't like you.

I'm okay with that.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Let's do it.

♪ Hark the herald angels singing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪

♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪

♪ Join the triumph of the skies ♪

♪ With angelic host proclaim ♪

♪ Christ is born in Bethlehem ♪

10,000 steps!

Yes!

♪ ...herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Hail the heaven
born prince of peace ♪

Class of '96!

Explain it again.

My friend was just
trying to get me a tampon.

Your stories are inconsistent.

So we wake up in Wantagh, New Jersey.

Abbi's puking on the side of the road.

No cabs anywhere.

This is our second date, mind you.

She wouldn't call it a date, but, uh...

We scheme.

We do scheme.

Your partner hasn't
mentioned a tampon once.

Sir, your guess is as good as mine.

You're on Birthmarc,

yet your friend sang a Christian
song to create a diversion.

Is she even Jewish?

Honestly, your guess is as good as mine.

Why did you move seats
to sit next to a dead man?

- That's suspicious.
- What? No, no.

He... He was sleeping.

You...

Oh, my God.

The dead guy?

Yeah, fully dead.

Nobody wanted the seats and we had to
sit next to each other, obviously, so...

Yeah, it didn't bother me at all.

You said your bag was the bomb.

It is, my bag is the bom...

Okay, Google "Refinery 29,"

in quotes, "Drew Barrymore," in quotes.

It's a life-changing bag,

You were asking passengers
for very strange instruments.

Twine, someone's shoelaces,
heavy duty scissors.

To make a tampon.

What, do you think I was
making a fucking bomb?

Yeah!

You're here for suspicion
of terrorist activity.

Terrorism? I thought this was
about the weed in my pussy.

What?

God, there's so much
turbulence, what is going on?

It's the pilots giving each other head.

Air head.

That's a good one.

Seriously.

Why do you think they
call it the cockpit?

Fuck yeah.

There is just something
about doing it in the sky.

So, listen, you know how I wanted
to come on this trip to, like,

experience some sort
of spiritual epiphany?

Yeah?

So when the stewardess
slammed me down on the ground,

for a moment, I swear I had this, like,

out-of-body experience
where I was in... heaven.

You know Jews don't have heaven.

Well, I saw Jesus.

You saw Jesus?

I saw Jesus.

And he was hot and he had a man
bun and he was wearing sandals,

and I usually hate
sandals and I loved 'em.

Dude, he's like a Jew,
but he's not Jew-ish.

Really good for me.

The more you talk about it...

the more right it is.

You know, I really
liked your intro before.

I was thinking about it, like,
using this trip to find yourself

and find your purpose.

And then when my face was pressed

into the plush carpet of first
class, I had this a-ha moment.

I, like, realized what
I wanna do with my life.

Ilana, this is huge.

I want to make enough
money to fly first class.

- Yeah, dude, that's it.
- Right?

- Yeah, I'm in.
- No touching.

And my Birthmarc wish came true.

Now we're sitting together.

And I got to fly with my bag.

And it really is incredible.

It withstood all those bullet holes.

Yeah, Israelis, like,
really love their guns.

Guns are so gross.

I'm really relieved
we're going back home.

Totally.

Dassit.

There's actually this
restaurant on Steinway

that makes falafel that
I heard is even better

than the real deal.

Let's just go there.

Yum.

That sounds perfect.

Ugh, I miss New York.

Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?

God is, like, Daddy God and
Jesus is like, the Son God.

So he's really just,
like, a hot rich kid.

Totally.