Broad City (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Knockoffs - full transcript

God, so at first I thought,
do I have, like, a long butt hair?
And then I realized, no.
It's my head hair. Yeah.
Fall down my back and in my butt crack. Yeah! Duh!
I don't know. Okay, we have to go back to the fact
that you are finally going to vagina-swallow Jeremy tonight.
It's really more of, like, a get-together,
hang out sesh at his apartment.
You know, it's not really an official date-date.
Yeah, yeah, not official, but yeah.
There's just so much I want to know about him, like,
I don't know where he went to college,
how many sisters he has.
Oh, he definitely has sisters.
He also definitely doesn't wear underwear.
He's got his junk rolling around in there all smelly and stuff.
I just want to take it slow, you know?
I really feel like this can, like, be something.
(sighing)
Of course she isn't here.
I knew we didn't have to rush.
This bitch is always late.
Oh, here she is.
I can't believe you beat me here!
This bitch is always late.
Hi, Mom. Hi, honey.
Oh, I missed you. Abbi, come here.
Ready to get your nails did, girls?
Yes.
Yelp said somebody got staph infection in this place.
It's so cheap now.
Staph is not the real bad one, right?
Yeah, it is.
♪ Four and three and two and one ♪
♪♪
Pick a color.
Oh, I'm just gonna use one of theirs.
Well, how are you gonna do touch-ups during the week?
Mom, she's a high-class WASP-y Jew.
A Philadelphia queen from down the Main Line,
King of Prussia Mall!
(bottles slapping in unison)
Oh, Bobbi, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry
about Grandma Esther passing away.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
But don't cry for Grandma Esther.
That woman lived 92 full years.
She played for the Rockford Peaches.
She sang at the Cotton Club.
And she (bleep) Little Richard! Oh, I forgot about that.
Wait, I thought Little Richard was gay.
Bisexual alien. No, bisexual alien.
Besides, you know what?
Gets me a chance to go to Canal Street and pick up some handbags
for the girls back on Long Island.
Mom, I thought we were done with the bag obsession.
Excuse me, Ilana, my mother just died.
I was done, but now I'm dipping my toe back in.
Speaking of which, sweetheart,
you're gonna need a much stronger scissor
for that big toe, okay? Thank you.
♪♪
Abbi, sweetheart,
let me know if you want me to get you a bag
when I go to Chinatown later, okay?
I love bags.
You guys enjoy the day together.
I'm actually late for my non-date hangout, you know.
Don't forget to wear a condom, Abbi.
Ilana, I--
One time, I don't wear a condom and you tell your-- No!
That's just how she says goodbye to people.
Yeah, I care.
Okay.
All right, well, have fun.
Ugh, will you look at that gorgeous tush?
Oh, my God, it's perfection.
Talking about my butt? (both) Yes.
Ha ha ha! Woo!
Jay-Z and Beyoncé, they're in the Illuminati.
Yeah, yes.
And what about Blue Ivy?
She will become all of their Grandmaster Supreme.
Wow, lucky kid.
Bags, bags, bags, bags. Here we go.
Bags, bags, bags.
Buying counterfeit bags is illegal.
Five dollar, five dollar.
Okay, follow me.
What the (bleep) am I talking Chinese for?
Bags, bags.
(Bobbi) I think that Blue Ivy must look more like Jay then Bey.
Otherwise, we'd be seeing more pictures.
Mom, Ma, Jay is so handsome!
Hurry! Hurry! Nah, too much lips.
His lips are his hottest feature!
Not for me.
Hurry, hurry!
Fast, fast!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We bring our own blindfolds, no.
Thank you.
Remember that time I got pink eye?
That was so horrible.
I know, that was gross.
(tires screeching, engine revving)
I can't believe that you live across the hall from me.
Like, this apartment is so insane.
Thanks, I knocked down all the walls.
Hate walls.
These postcards are so cool.
They kind of remind me a little bit of your drawing.
Oh, thank you.
I collected them on the last road trip I took
with my terminal dog-- Miss you, Betsy.
Wow, that's so sweet, I'm sorry.
You know, I've been surrounded by a lot of death lately, too.
And sometimes death really makes me think about...
life.
I totally agree.
To life.
And to remember,
and, and to being.
And-- and-- and--
That's it.
You're really eloquent about death.
Well, my favorite TV show is "Six Feet Under,"
so that's probably why.
I haven't seen it.
You haven't seen "Six Feet Under"?!
Oh, God.
You're so lucky.
You know, I have the box set if you want to borrow it.
Maybe we could watch it together sometime.
(enthusiastically) Yeah!
I mean, yeah.
If you-- if you want to.
I definitely do.
Oh-- That would be great.
You got a little, um--
I got you, come here.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, my God.
I'm kissing Jeremy.
Oh, my God, I'm kissing Abbi.
(arguing in Chinese)
Ilana, I don't want you to eat sushi anymore, okay?
What? Fukushima!
The radiation levels are off the charts.
Oh, give me a break.
It's all over the Internet, I'm not making this (bleep) up!
You wanna talk nasty seafood?
I read a thing on "Buzzfeed"
that said there's microscopic shrimp
in all of New York City drinking water.
What?
Copepods, they're called. No!
Yeah, Google it.
We have shrimp inside of us at all times,
which I'm okay with, sounds delicious.
But it's like, ask me first?
(tires screeching)
(speaking Chinese)
Now we're cooking with gas.
All the good (bleep) is always down a manhole.
How have we not done this sooner?
I have no idea.
Do you want to maybe switch?
Mix it up a little bit?
You sure?
Yeah, why not, right?
Oh, awesome.
(whispering) It's a Shinjo.
Right in the butt.
Uh...
Oh, my God!
Oh, you just meant switch positions?
Yeah, but it's fine.
I-- I thought you were suggesting that we switch.
Yeah, it just caught me off guard,
so I'm just getting, you know, the feel.
I'm so sorry.
No, I-- Please.
No, you know what? Just forget it.
I just need a minute. Just one minute.
It's okay.
Stupid.
Rachel Ackerman, Rachel Alterman, Aunt Cherry.
Rabbi Stein, Rachel Lieberman.
(phone vibrating) Joanne from the salon.
Cut or uncut?
Cut.
Ooh, elegant. And girth?
Listen, dude, I'm freaking the (bleep) out right now.
So we were doing it,
and I was like, "We should switch positions,"
and then he throws me a strap-on.
Hold, please.
Hello? I get one, too.
And I think the rest are just gonna be extras, so yeah.
Ilana, control yourself.
Excuse me, I'm on the phone.
Jesus, Ilana.
This is a dream come true.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
Dude, I'm calling for advice.
Oh. Sorry.
Okay, so start by lubing up the head and work--
No-- I'm not even sure I'm gonna do it.
What is not to know? This is once in a lifetime!
It's going too fast.
Ab, all throughout college, I slept with a strap-on on,
just in case the opportunity came along
that you have handed to you on a silver (bleep) platter!
I don't know, I just envisioned being with Jeremy in, like,
a lot of different ways, but not--
not this way.
We are going to my grandmother's shiva, okay?
The reason I'm, like, sitting and crying
is because that badass bitch did everything she ever wanted to.
You want to go to the grave
dreaming of Jeremy's hairy, adorable little butthole?
Or do you want to die knowing that you brought him pleasure
by plowing it like a queen?
I just don't know, Ilana.
Bitch, you know.
You wouldn't have called me if you didn't.
(sighing)
Turn around.
(Jeremy, whispering) Ab?
Ab?
(normal voice) Ab.
(shouting) Ab!
Ahh, Jeremy.
(whispering) Sorry to wake you.
Oh...
I volunteered to teach some underprivileged kids
how to do some woodworking today.
I'm running a little bit late.
Wow, that's beautiful.
Listen, stay as long as you want.
Have a great day.
Whoa.
I mean, till tonight.
(door closes)
(woman singing) ♪ What we do ♪
♪ We wash our hair when we want to ♪
♪ We run the streets in the right shoes ♪
♪ We killer game like we can't lose ♪
♪ Staying out as late as we want to ♪
♪ I'm ♪
♪ All yours ♪ (sighing happily)
(beeping)
(bleep)
She had, like, a tight physique.
She was awesome.
Well-rounded human being.
It's so nice to see you guys.
Oh, I love you so much.
We love you, too.
We love you, too, Dad.
My dad didn't love me half as much as I love you guys.
Okay. We know.
Oh, your mom is so broken up over this loss.
Poor Mommy.
And the toll into the city? 13 bucks.
Now, you know that's going right into Bloomberg's pocket.
Bloomberg isn't mayor anymore.
That's what he wants you to think!
(crashing)
Once again, these nipple clamps are not tight enough.
They keep popping off.
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am.
That's as tight as they get.
Have a nice day.
Hi. Hi.
Sir, so I have a-- I-- This morning, I was--
You tried to wash a dildo in a dishwasher?
I did indeed.
Well, I don't think you're here for a staring contest.
Can I see it? Okay.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm, parabolic tearing.
Low curvature.
All right, let's get to work.
♪♪ (no voices)
That's it.
Yeah.
Okay, that'll be $79.
That's a lot.
All right. (phone alert)
You know, Shelly Winters purchased one of these once.
God damn it, the shiva! Language!
(Elliott singing) ♪ And he will raise you up ♪
♪ On eagle's wings ♪
Isn't that a Christian song?
(doorbell ringing)
Hello?
Abbi, oh, it's so good to see you.
(farting) Oh! Whoops.
Oh, that'll be our little secret, okay? Yeah.
Let me take your bag.
You know what? I can hang onto it.
Why not. Oh, girl power.
Ilana, honey, look who's here.
Simply yes or no.
Did you or did you not...
(exhaling sharply) peg?
(Elliott continues singing)
Ilana--
This is the happiest day of my--
(screaming) life!
(stops singing) Ohhhh!
I think she's upset. Hoo!
You know it's your grandmother's shiva?
Whoo, you a pegga!
Okay.
Pega-seuss!
Maybe we can talk about it-- That's you.
Let's talk about it at my house, later.
Abbi! Hi.
I'm so sorry. Oh, hi, sweetheart, thanks for coming.
Look at you.
She's glowing, Ilana, look at her.
Oh, my God.
Ooh, this is a nice bag. Thank you so much.
Italian leather? Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, how's the lining? Oh, it's a great lining.
Let me see-- I'll be the judge of that.
No, trust me. Trust me.
Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead!
Now let me look at this lining!
Abbi, give it to her.
Ooh, waterproof, love that.
Uh-huh.
Nice backstitch.
You really are a high-class Jewess, let me tell ya.
I told you.
Beautiful, beautiful. Where'd you get this?
Um, you know, it's... Um...
You know, that is a... Ahem.
Do I need to keep going?
Yeah. Definitely.
No, no, hold on. Peg?
What's peg?
Pegging is when a woman with a strap-on,
with a dildo, penetrates a man.
Oh, but wouldn't that be more like a gay thing, Elliot?
No, I mean, how would I put a dildo on top of my dick?
That's true.
Straight men and gay men alike both enjoy prostate stimulation.
And it's very popular with married couples.
Oh. Is it?
Probably.
(Bobbi) We were at the Millers' once.
It turned out it was a swingers party.
No! Oh, wow.
Yeah, but we didn't have sex with anybody, just--
You know, but we stayed 'cause the food was incredible.
Yes, and we also stayed because the owner's child
had died of an overdose and we wanted to be supportive.
Out of support.
But Abbi, good for you for trying something new,
That is terrific.
I can't really believe that we're talking about it,
because, you know, Ilana was telling me about Grandma Esther
and how she-- she lived with no regrets.
And it made me think, we all need to live more like that,
You know, like, I kind of feel like I--
Yeah, I pegged.
Yeah, I pegged,
but I kind of did it for Grandma Esther, you know?
In a way.
(sobbing) Oh, it's okay.
Oh, it's all right.
Mom, feel something!
I'm feeling the inside of this bag, okay?
I promise I will never, ever tell anybody about your fart.
I love you.
Elliot, come on, we gotta get out of here.
(phone alert) Gotta get the car.
(Dad) Don't dawdle.
Say hi to the dog.
I got somewhere, I, um, need to be.
All right, don't forget to wear a condom.
Or not-- I don't know what's appropriate in this situation.
I don't know, either.
Listen to me: get that ass.
Maybe I will. Bye, Ab.
All right, hold on. Ilana, I can't find my phone.
I am calling it.
(phone vibrating inside suitcase)
God damn it, I must've left it in one of the friggin' bags.
Why would you do that?
All right, let's open this up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't put 'em on the filthy floor!
Where's the pashmina?
Get the pashmina out.
I put this pashmina around my neck! It doesn't matter.
Bags, bags, bags. Lots of bags! Bags, bags, bags!
One bag, two bag, three bag, four.
Bags, bags, bags.
Five bags, six bags, seven bags, more.
(both) Jesus Christ.
(both women shouting)
Clearly, I'm gonna be late to pick up my spread
from Zabar's for shiva tomorrow!
I think the real crooks down on Wall Street should be arrested!
Reverse Robin Hoods who take from the poor
and give to their rich friends--
I guess I'm gonna use my call to call Zabar's,
'cause if you don't pick your order up--
you get on their (bleep) list--
Ivy League grad/Harvard,
the fat cats down in DC, they don't mind--
And if I get on Zabar's (bleep) list,
you can bet your ass I'm gonna sue the NYPD!
--and little boy prostitutes!
Guess we're being let off easy 'cause we're extremely white.
Yeah, that's the prison industrial complex for you.
Wanna get back in the car?
We just want to make sure our voices are heard.
They were-- You're very loud.
Yeah, thank you.
Now we'll just take our handbags and go.
We can't give you the bags.
They're evidence in an ongoing counterfeit investigation.
Enjoy your new handbags! "Ongoing".
Yeah!
Hello, Zabar's? It's Bobbi Wexler.
Don't you yell at me!
(whispering) Wait.
Hold on, I'll be right back.
Wait, what is that?
It-- It's a dildo.
Um... It's not my dildo.
Okay, so it's stupid.
When you left yesterday,
I put yours in the dishwasher and it-- it melted it.
So I was like, I gotta get you a new one
'cause I ruined your thing and I went to the sex store,
and I got one that looks just like yours,
except this one's brand new.
I really appreciate you doing that, I do,
but mine was a Shinjo.
And that's, like, a cheap knockoff.
$79, I feel it could get the job done.
Um, it's just that a Shinjo is custom-made for my body,
and it's made out of all-natural materials--
Totally, totally. I know that you love
to be, like, particular about your stuff,
I was just, like, gonna go-- Wait, wait.
What does that mean?
No, it's just, like, your whole thing.
You like your stuff to be specialty and curated.
I get it.
Like what?
Like, the cider beer, the cardamom?
You have a kimono area.
I mean, look at this apartment.
Jeremy, I feel like we're in a magazine.
In a good way.
It's what I like about you.
I guess I just didn't realize you were judging me
based on my stuff.
I'm not judging you,
I mean, I pegged you last night without any judgment.
Why would you judge that?
I didn't.
And I did it on the first night.
I'm cool.
Abbi, bragging about not judging something
just means that you think it should be judged.
No, I don't-- I'm not--
bragging about not judging or judging.
I'm not bragging or judging.
This is silly.
I had fun last night.
I liked it.
Can we just begin this again?
And do it again with that cheap knockoff?
I'll probably get a rash.
79 bucks!
Did you seriously think that you were just gonna stick that
inside of me and I wouldn't feel the difference?
Yeah.
(sighing) Now you're just being childish.
I'm being childish?
Yes.
I (bleep) you in the ass
the first night that we did anything, okay?
I think that's pretty (bleep) mature.
Plus, you're throwing, like, a temper tantrum
'cause you don't have your specialty leather-blown dildo
or whatever.
You're being an idiot right now.
Leather is tanned!
It's not blown, like glass.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a leathersmith.
You know what?
The only reason I pegged you in the first place
is because Ilana's grandmother died
and she (bleep) Little Richard.
Cool!
It's really cool.
Real mature.
You know what, Abbi?
I-- I think you should go.
Well, I think that I should go.
Also, maybe you want to do me a favor
and try to keep the Alanis Morissette down?
I mean, who-- who blasts "Thank You"?
Now who's judging other people based on their-- their stuff?
Real mature!
Also, a (bleep) ton of people play that song and love it!
Headphones.
If we get to Chinatown in the next ten minutes,
we can make it.
What-- why?
I-- I need more bags.
Mom, we just got arrested!
You don't understand-- I have to have the bags!
If I don't have them, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Mom!
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom-- What, what?
The bags are gone. Let it go.
I never got to say goodbye.
The bags know, Mom. They know.
Hey, you're blocking the whole (bleep) sidewalk!
(both women shouting)
Who the hell are you, you disrespectful mother(bleep)?
So walk around us, you patriarchal mother(bleep)!
Who do you think you are, talking to us that way?
What is wrong with you?
You move around us, (bleep) face!
I'll (bleep) murder you, you little bitch!
You cross the street!
I love you so much. You are my world.
You are my everything, I think about you all day, every day.
I mean, if I wanna leave the apartment,
I'm gonna have to, like, jump out the window.
You know, this is a good thing that this all happened.
Your crush on Jeremy was holding you back and now you're free.
You're right.
I'm wild.
Yeah. I'm a wild lady.
Ugh!
You know what? I'm gonna delete his texts.
There's only four, but they're gone.
You're gonna find someone else to peg.
There are infinite holes in the sea.
Maybe even, I don't know...
Girl holes?
I'm not pegging you, dude.
You gotta stop bringing it up.
I think I want to master regular sex first.
At least you found a good use for that dildo.
Right?
It's perfect.
I want one.
It was 79 bucks.
Ugh!
I could find it cheaper in Chinatown.
(recording of Elliot singing) ♪ He will raise you up On eagle's-- ♪
Oh, and also, I'm back on Jay-Z's lips.
I like him again.
Oh, my God.
That's so good.
So...
Did you give it any more thought?
Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
And, well,
I haven't changed my mind, so.
Just open up your mind, Arthur, just open up.
My mind is very open.
My ass(bleep), I'm not so sure about.
I forgot about your precious ass(bleep).
But my ass(bleep) is fair game, of course.
Fine.
I'll pick one up at the mall tomorrow.
Thank you.
A lot of condolence e-mails to answer. (sighing)
Where's Lincoln?
You know, he sent that gorgeous arrangement over there.
Yeah, I just didn't want to deal with
explaining the (bleep)buddy thing to all these old Jews.
Oh, yeah.
And I appreciate the intricacies of that.
Thank you.