Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Lockout - full transcript

This is so gross.

I don't understand why they
don't just hire an exterminator.

It's like, what is my rent
even going to?

Well, they gave you the
bug bombs for free, right?

Yeah, great, so, like,
everyone in the building

can just, like, mass murder
all their own cockroaches?

Ridiculous.

Coming up on
1600 hours here.

No, 4:00 p.m. sharp, are you
kidding?

Everyone in the building is
doing it at 4:00 p.m. sharp.

That-- that's what
that is, 4:00.



Okay, I knew that.

Zero dark thirty!

Zero dark 29!

Zero dark 28!

Zero dark 27!

Zero dark 26!

... Zero dark three!

Zero dark two!

Zero dark one!

Zero dark zero!

Go! Go!
Go, go, go!

Oh.

Hey.
What's up, Jer?

That's crazy.



Nothing like the smell of
a million dead bugs in the

morning, right?
I know.

It's like an insect holocaust
in here or something.

It would make us
Mr. and Mrs. Hit-- Hitler.

Like Nazis?
Yeah, like the--

I mean, I just was--
Yeah, have a good 24 hours.

I wouldn't--

(coughing violently)

It's in my mouth!

♪ Four and the
and two and one, one ♪

And another thing, I know
a girl who returned a vacuum

after three years of
using it, dude.

They just gave
her her money back.

They really care about
their customers.

Okay, Ab, you know, you're
spending the entire weekend

at my place, just--

Spread out the Bed Bath
& Beyond lectures.

I love the place, you know?
I just.

Yeah, fine, I just have a lot
more to say about it, so.

Great, you should tell me more
while I transform my room

into a walk-in closet.

Dude, you're not doing
the pole right now.

It's gonna take
me ten minutes, dude.

Okay, it's gonna take you three
months, like everything does.

Did you forget about my art show?
No, no.

This is a big deal.

Your first gallery
opening is...

I mean, this is the
biggest moment of our lives.

It's my life, but--

I mean, you're with--
you're with me.

So when we get inside,
I'm gonna shower first, okay,

and then I'm gonna pluck my
eyebrows, get my make-up on.

I'll Nair, like, a bunch
of different areas.

Maybe you could massage my
shoulders for a second, but,

like, not like last time
'cause that wasn't cool.

Abbi,
I have some bad news,

but it's white people
problems, so let's see if you

can keep it in
perspective.

I-- I don't have my key.

Okay, first of all,
I'm allowed to be upset

even though I'm white.
Typical honky.

All right, we don't have time
to be locked out.

Is Jaime home?

He is in Vermont
for a straight wedding.

Let's just call a locksmith.
No, I'm not calling a locksmith.

They take forever
to get here.

I think we can get in--
We have street smarts.

All right, there's got
to be at least, like,

one person home in
your building, right?

Yeah, just a--
Hey, don't, don't--

Use the wood, dude.
Oh, my God, all right.

Wood, I mean...

(electric buzzing)
Jesus!

Okay, okay, you need
to move at some point.

I know.
All right.

Where's your fire escape?

Okay, hands on my shoulders
on three.

One, two...

Jesus.

Sorry,
I released too early.

Okay, we got this.

One, two...

Okay.

Okay.
Okay.

(grunting)
Just one pull-up.

I should be supporting myself--
dude, I work at a gym.

There are so many
upper-body strength classes.

Okay, you got it?

You got it?

Do you have me?
Here, I got you.

Okay.

I don't think it's
gonna work out.

(laughing)
That was my bad, dude.

Okay, you just, like--

You just went up
inside me.

Okay.
That's just what happened.

It was honestly
not intentional.

It was natural for me.

Okay, who would you rather
have go down on you?

Michael Buble
or Janet Jackson?

Oh, okay.

What Buble are we
talking about, though?

I don't know, the optimal
Michael Buble.

His weight fluctuates.

Yeah.
So does hers.

Yeah.
So does mine.

Yeah.
But then again,

Michael Buble is,
like, such a crooner.

I feel like he could do
stuff with his mouth that,

like, most people
couldn't.

Somebody call
a locksmith?

Yeah.

I'm gonna look disgusting
for tonight is all.

No, you're gonna
look hot and cool.

Your shower is just
a lockpick away.

Very hot.

Very cool.

What's your name,
sweetheart?

Uh...

Yolanda.

Yolanda.

So where is it
you sleep?

What?

Which apartment's yours?

Um...

Do you have any, like,
credentials?

Or, like, a license to be
a locksmith that you could

just show us?

No, the only thing you
need to be a locksmith is

you gotta want it.

Real bad.

That one.

Yeah, it's this one,
the 6--

6C.

(amorous groaning)

They call this
a whore door.

'Cause it's so easy.

Okay.

Thank you for your
terrifying services

and don't call us,
we'll call you.

Oh yeah.

Oh, you'll call me, huh?

(whistling)

God.

Look at this gorgeous
immigrant family.

At least
they're not home.

How do I not know them?
I don't know.

New Yorkers don't usually
know their neighbors.

Except for me and Jeremy,

just 'cause that's
a special relationship.

Yeah, I would know
Jeremy, too.

I'd know him in and up
and all around.

Cute little
Mexican candies.

They're Nerds.

I am the problem.

I am gentrification,
you know.

In three generations,
gentrification is gonna be a

non-issue because
statistically,

we're headed toward an age
where everybody's gonna be like

caramel and queer and
everybody's gonna live

where they're gonna--
(doorknob turning)

What the hell is this?

I live next door,
I live here!

I've never
seen you before!

We got locked out and I was
gonna make my room

a walk-in closet and--
Robbers!

(screaming)

I'm gonna shoot you
in your face!

Wait, wait!

I can prove that
I live here, okay?

Uh...

Three-- three months ago,
that old white dude

was found chopped up
in our dumpster.

That happens all the time in Gowanus.
Okay.

Last week, one of you
farted and I heard it

'cause the walls are
so thin and I laughed

and then you heard me,
so you laughed.

That did happen.

Why are you
in our apartment then?

We got locked out and we
called this locksmith

and he was really
scary, he was so creepy.

We couldn't let him
into our apartment,

so we had him let us
in, uh, to your--

Unbelievable!

Now that I say it out loud, I
realize I led the creepy dude

to your apartment
and I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

'Cause of the--
I threw up.

'Cause of the--
It was because of the mace.

'Cause I never thought--

I haven't thrown up in like
a year, I'm so sorry.

Oh, yes.
Oh.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry I got you maced.

That's okay.

It's not your fault.

We're just technically
homeless right now, so.

Ben Affleck was homeless
for a night for charity.

We're, like, doing that,
just involuntarily.

Yeah, we're just
a regular Matt and Ben.

Exactly what's happening.

(beeping)

(beeping)

Oh, God.

I am--
I'm so sorry.

Listen, don't mess
this up for me.

I'm gonna be
a teacher here one day.

We are just gonna shower really
quick and get to the gallery,

and honestly, probably look
better than if we hadn't been

maced 'cause our pores are
tight and burning.

It's like we had
a chemical peel.

I-- I highly doubt that, so
going right to the locker room,

if anyone sees me, it's gonna be a whole thing.
Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, my God,
there's Trey.

Gonna really feel it in
those glutes, okay?

Okay, give me your stuff,
give me your stuff.

I'm out, I'm out,
I'm out, I'm out.

(Trey)
Hey, Ab.

Hey.

Trey, I didn't think--
Whoa.

What happened to your face?

Oh, it's-- It's really
embarrassing, actually.

I was-- I was doing
parkour just now.

Abbi, that's great.

Using the city as your gym,
very solstice.

I did a backflip...
off of a car

and I fell right
into a fire hydrant.

That's-- It's a pretty
advanced technique.

You can't take a break from
fitness, that's what I say.

To myself.
I wish I was as strong as you.

I mean, sometimes I just go
to Quizno's and I go nuts.

It's bad.

Quizno's is
my guilty pleasure.

Dennis, relax that face,
buddy, okay?

Relax that face.

While I'm here, you know what,
I should check out the locker

room just to make sure that
it's, like, up to code,

nice and clean, just the way you
like it, I'm gonna check it out.

I'm gonna stop you
right there, Ab.

I know what
this is really about.

You're afraid of your
own failure.

Abbi, parkour
is terrifying, I know.

But you've got to get back
on that urban jungle.

I guess so.

I'm glad to hear you say that
'cause I'm gonna walk you out

and watch you do it, all right, come on.
Okay.

Dennis, keep squatting,
I'm gonna do some parkour.

(classical music playing)

Kiehl's.

Oh, yeah.

All right, you speak
parkour, right?

Yeah, totally.
Awesome.

Show me a tic-tac
on the hydrant.

Come on.
Okay, tic-tac.

Yeah.

Um...

Okay.

That's--
That's pretty good.

Do a cat pass
under the hood.

Cat pass?
Do a cat pass.

Okay.

Beautiful.

I want you to tic-tac
right over the car.

Tic-tac right over.

Abbi, you're overcoming
your fear, all right?

Don't give up now, Abbi.

You've got this.

Arch that back,
arch that back.

That's a good hostage,
okay.

Come down
and do a spit roast.

You know what?

Your full body is involved,
so that's good.

Beautiful, Abbi.

Picabo Street.

Abbi, you are
a natural traceur.

I want to see a jack in
the pulpit in the bikes.

Jack in the pulpit.
Yeah.

Totally.
Okay, yeah, pump it.

It's very Grecian.

Tap, tap, tap, tap,
good.

Now I want you to do a Kong
jump and a back handspring

off the car, but don't let
me anticipate the movement.

You know, I-- I bet you that
Dennis is not squatting anymore.

Anticipation.

Abbi, that's the makings
of a great trainer.

I think that I know--
Thank God I am one.

Hasta la vista, Abbi.

Dennis!

♪

We are officially
homeless.

No, dude, we are
standing and awake.

You gotta be lying down
to be really homeless.

Sorry.

Or officially dicks.

You know what?
This is insane.

I'm changing here, just,
like, cover me.

This is, like,
getting to be ridiculous.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Ilana.

What did you do?

That solstice, like...

They should, like,
give you containers for--

You know, for--
For what? Stealing lotion?

What did you put it in?

Those, like, plastic bags.

Okay.

The plastic bags are for
swimsuits and, like,

dirty gym clothes,
not for loose goo.

Just an FYI, okay?

This is just insane.
I know.

I can't believe that I'm gonna
go to my first gallery show

looking like this.

You're ruining
my big break.

I mean, look-- look at me,
I look like garbage.

You know what?
I'm going in.

Wait.
What?

This is the gallery?
Yeah.

This is a sandwich shop.

Or it's a gallery after 8:00
'cause they make people put

their laptops away.

You have been busting
my balls all day

over a sandwich shop?

You know what, dude?

I think I want you to stay out
here, 'cause I definitely don't

want you coming in there if
you're not gonna be supportive.

Oh, I will absolutely
be coming in.

Oh, Jesus.

You know what?
Fine.

I'll just park myself out here
while you do your thing

and you know what?

In the meantime, I can just
watch your bag and make sure

nobody touches it.
Fine, thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.
I appreciate it.

Anytime!
God.

♪ My eyes cannot
see the pain ♪

♪ I walk in the dark I cry

I'm sorry,
can I help you?

Oh, I'm one
of the artists.

One of the
sandwich artists?

No, I'm one of the--
the artist artists.

Have any of the pieces
sold yet?

I know it's early.
I haven't heard anything.

But I highly doubt it.

Well, no, it's just that people
don't really come in here

for the art.

We're a sandwich shop.

So we sell food.

Would you like some?

Are they...
free sandwiches?

You can order
and then pay.

Okay, so how it
usually works.

It's-- Yeah.

High-quality lotion,
I'm gonna take the lotion.

God.

(scoffs)
Gallery.

Step into reality.

Oh.

Ilana?

Are you eating
garbage bagels?

Why are you here?

Abbi sent me a Facebook invite
to her gallery debut.

Do you...
look... crazy?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I do.

I got locked out
and then I--

I just, like, ruined
her night completely.

I'm an idiot,
I'm like a dumb ass.

I, like, can't function.

Oh, don't be so hard
on yourself.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm not
a perfect dentist.

I eat candy all the time.

I got, like,
six cavities.

Thanks-- thanks for--
Ahh!

Ooh, what?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

The keys to
my apartment.

Don't you ever
tell Abbi.

You can't ever tell her.

You can't ever tell her this,
this is--

I won't tell Abbi, but I've
told you several times

and I'll
tell you again,

phone, keys, wallet--
Every time.

Phone, keys,
wallet, P-K-W.

Your brain is a muscle, Ilana,
and I feel like that muscle

isn't getting
enough exercise.

You need to do your
brain kegels.

And five.

Crushed it.

That's my--
my drawing up there.

You're in
a good spot for it.

I'll take the hamburger.

Oh, that's actually
not a menu item.

It's art.

We're actually a vegan
sandwich place.

I mean, I guess it's,
like, ironic or something.

Abbi's right.

I'm not gonna make my room
a walk-in closet.

I was always
anti- that idea.

Who would want to live
in a closet?

Oh, my God.

Because then I would
be closeted.

I was thinking more like who
would want to live amongst

their clothes,
but also what you said.

Either one.
Let's just go in here.

Okay, yeah.

Is that lotion?
Yeah.

God, these bagels here are,
like, very good, so.

How's the, um,
gallery going?

It's not a gallery.

It's a sandwich shop,
you were right.

And they don't really--

They don't even have meat,
so I don't know if I would even

consider it
a sandwich shop,

but... I'm sorry
I was a bitch.

Don't even worry about it,
you know?

When a friend
makes a mistake,

you forgive them
blindly, right?

Cool, yeah.

I'm gonna go take a dump.
Oh... cool, cool.

Hey Abbi, you gotta
start somewhere.

And look at the Hardy boys.

They started out as
kid detectives,

just solving
mysteries in Bayport

and now they have an entire
book series about them.

Yeah, definitely, but you know,
they are, like,

fictional characters,
but I appreciate the...

sentiment behind it.

Thanks for coming, Lincoln.
Thanks for inviting me.

They wouldn't accept me
in the bathroom,

so I'll just go
at your place.

We're staying over, by the way.
Sleepover! Yes.

I need this day to end.

Hey, your drawing sold.

Oh, my gosh!

I think I'm gonna solstice--
I mean, focus on my art.

So you have two options.

You can take your cut of the
proceeds, which are 17.50,

or you can get a credit
for, like, three sandwiches.

17.50.
Yeah.

Okay.

And there's no meat.
No.

Okay, how big are
the sandwiches?

Like, substantial?

We-- Sometimes.

That's not--
That's not like a sandwich.

That's a teeny
sandwich, right?

People are full on that.

Okay, well, I'm not
normal people.

Okay.
I don't--

Tofu is in them.
Is it thick?

I don't know the degree
of tofu-ness.

You have
no idea the degree.

There should be some
sort of scale.

Okay, to-go coffee mugs,
you guys must have that.

Do you know what
a sandwich is?

Do you?

'Cause you don't have
any meat in them.

There's no meat
in the sandwiches.

Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.
That's funny.

Do you guys have
Naked juices?

Hello.

Oh, so you bought
the drawing.

Two of my
favorite things.

Art and Abbi?

Um, hamburgers and Abbi.
Oh.

Okay, I just--

I kind of want
to hold it.

All right.

(whistling)

(man)
Yolanda.

Yolanda.

I wanna pick
your little keyhole...

Ahh!

Yolanda!

No!

Yolanda!

Why?

Why?

It's just a keyhole!

Why?

Why?

(man screaming)