Broad City (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - What a Wonderful World - full transcript

Ab, ab, ab... no joke, today is the day

we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches

we are in our minds.

Are you with me?

Yeah, I'm with you, awesome.

Are you... is that the whole thing?

Obviously I have a plan.

Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert,

at bowery ballroom.

I can't, I'm so broke. No excuses, girl.

I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today.



Chea... get it!

Chea... harder.

You're gonna have to speak in English for me.

I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!

I wish that I could,

but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages,"

and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry

for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.

Stir-fry?

Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van?

Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine.

I bet you schedule when you jack off.

Schedule when I ja...

Oh, my God.



Is that Lincoln?

Yep.

Is he inside of you?

Yep.

I'm just keeping him warm.

All right... let's just set some ground rules here

for everybody involved.

I don't want to see you have sex.

Let's try and avoid that.

Lincoln, you seem well.

Thank you... I've been doing this no-bread diet

and it's pretty good.

It's been working.

All right... I'm gonna head out, then.

Peace, bye.

That was hot... that was cool.

That was like a threesome, in a way.

Uh, Ilana, what are we doing?

Are we just having sex, hooking up?

Are we dating?

What is this?

This is purely physical.

Why does this always happen to me?

♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪

Climb... push it!

Come on!

Let's make some magic here.

Let's climb it.

Turn up that resistance... come on.

Let's do this.

Yes, climb.

Yo, Abbi. Hey.

Got something for you. Okay.

Big ol' clogged toilet in the girls' room.

It's pretty bad.

You'll know it when you see it.

Thanks for the heads-up, Tre.

No problem... just do me a favor.

Try not to make eye contact with any members,

when you're holding the plunger.

Really bums 'em out.

Well, I mean, what if someone just, like, walks...

Underwater massage?

Yes... yes, that sounds intense.

Great job, killing it.

Who's got more deals?

Who else has a deal for me?

Ooh, Nicole, what's your deal.

I'm kind of obsessed with these D-I-Y vajazzling seminars

and I feel like they'd be a really great fit for us.

That is what I'm talking about.

Do you guys smell that?

Come on, sniff the air.

Oh, what's that odor?

I think it's the scent of a deal.

Who's got more deals for me?

Ooh, in the back, Ilana.

Dope sweatshirt... what is your deal?

I've been kind of obsessed with getting paid,

and I was wondering if that's happening today,

so we could all be paid.

Checks, unfortunately, delayed 'til Friday.

Bummer.

F-M-L, right?

Speaking of F-M-L, went on a third date.

to keep you guys updated,

third time, went for the kiss, third time rejected,

but I'll try... I'll get it.

Let's get back to our desks.

Deals don't make themselves.

Bonjour, petit Wayne.

I am a genius.

Not so much... right, buddy?

That's the look of a dealer right there.

If I was in Las Vegas, I'd assume you could,

move the table limit.

That's how much of a dealer you are.

Ilana. Ooh.

Come on, this is not work.

Oh... okay, I'll take lunch.

Please...

Come back today.

Oh!

Ilana.

Don't Black Swan me like that, dude.

Okay, what are you even doing here?

Nothing... just strolling through the neighborhood

and wanted to see my number one.

Oh, really?

Okay, listen... I really think that you deserve... hey.

Sorry, I forgot about the line.

I'll see you in the second-class citizen area.

It's called the non-member pen and you know that.

Ew... listen to yourself.

I think you deserve like an Abbi Bueller's day off.

I can't just leave work in the middle of the day.

Yes, you can... you just lie, and leave.

All they let you do, is fold towels, anyway.

No, they don't.

They let me do a lot more than that.

I wash the towels, and then I dry the towels.

Great... to see you.

Good friend? Uh-huh, yeah, she's great.

Also, any day now, a trainer's gonna be absent,

and guess who they're gonna invite, to instruct a class.

I would love for that to happen, but it's just not.

They don't respect you.

Oh, thank God, Abbi, there you are.

Tre.

Thank God. We really need you, buddy.

Yes, I'm prepared.

So...

We got another pube situation, in the women's locker room.

Yeah... somebody really went to town,

in the second shower stall.

And if you need the snake,

it's probably wherever you last left it.

I know where it is, so.

You know, you should just label it "Abbi's Snake,"

you're so good with it. I don't know if I wanna...

Seriously.

Okay, Abbi, come on.

Can I get a little more positivity from you, please?

I'll clean it.

You can be positive, right?

I know you can be positive.

Yeah, you know what?

You know, I can be positive,

because I actually might be positive.

I'm dealing with some pretty scary test results,

that are at a clinic right now,

and I have to get 'em, but I'm at work.

I mean, I might be positive in a blood situation, so...

Is it herpes?

No, it's not.

Genital warts. No.

Oh, my God.

Abbi.

Is it the big one?

It could be the big one.

Abbi, you gotta get those results?

I gotta get the pubes.

Don't worry about the pubes, Abbi.

Get your results.

Blaise, there you are... would you get to class?

Abbi.

Let me know if you have aids.

You'll be the first one that I tell.

When I find out.

Okay, so tickets are 50 each.

Obviously, we need an eighth. Ok.

Plus drinks, that's like 200 bucks total.

And since Todd wouldn't give me my paycheck.

Girl!

You took all of his office supplies.

Listen, what I do at my place of work,

is none of your damn business, okay?

Okay, I think you really need to be fired, really soon. I know.

Oh, I love this song.

Ugh... this is a slave song.

It's not a slave song.

Yes, it is.

It's widely known by the black community,

that "What a Wonderful World" is, like, a slave song.

Right, right, right, I totally forgot that you're,

like, the voice of the whole black community.

It's a thing... Google it.

It's in a Fugees song.

Wyclef's like, "and I think to myself."

He's like angry about it.

I feel like all we ever talk about is black people,

and slaver... y...

Hi.

I would like to return these items.

I once owned them personally,

but I have no use for them now, so.

Your total comes to $135.67.

Yes! Shit... yes!

Oh.

You know, we'd love to get that in liquid cash. Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, what about my fishbowl of change?

There's got to be, like, 30 or 40 bucks in there?

Can you leave?

Yeah, we're gonna... we're ending the convo.

Justin, Justin, there's a sniper there... oh!

I just told you that!

Oh, my God.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Yo.

What gun are you using?

Ah, you got the variable zoom on that.

Oh, I'll have to check that out.

Sorry, Ilana, all that cheese you wanted, is gone.

It looks like somebody ate it all.

That sucks.

Cheese is dope.

Uh-oh, U.A.V. inbound, courtesy of yours truly.

You're welcome.

Hey, Beavers.

So I noticed, that you ate all of my cheese again.

Could you not do that?

Or maybe get more?

I'm sorry.

I actually didn't realize, it was your cheese.

I labeled it pretty clearly.

Mm-hmm, I see.

Maybe in the future if you do that, put it on, like...

Like, all six sides of the cheese brick.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you can just restock it, then?

I can put on some sweats, and run out if you want me to.

Yeah, okay. Or, you know...

I'm not talking to you!

I'm talking to my roommate!

You're not my roommate.

You're my roommate's boyfriend. What?

Oh, also, the toilet's clogged.

My bad.

You know, I think I'm lactose intolerant.

Good thing you ate all that cheese.

You know that, there's a plunger in the bathroom.

It's right next to the toilet.

It's like, right within...

I do know that, but I also know that you told me,

not to touch your stuff in the bathroom.

Right.

That's my mistake.

Yeah. You disgust me.

What?

Oh... Sergeant First Class!

I just ranked up, Abbi!

Yes, I placed the Jewess ad.

Both of us are over 18, yeah.

Under 18, I said.

We're both under 18, we're young teens...

Hello?

Damn it.

Okay.

♪ At the bottom of the ocean ♪
♪

Hey, somebody left a dank turd...

Oh, my God.

You still have your performance bib, right?

Yeah, duh.

This is gonna make a dent in the Weezie fund, dude.

Huge dent.

Did you call me?

No, Matt, I didn't call you!

It's like, why would we call you?

It's like he's constantly in my face.

It kills me that he lives here, and doesn't pay a cent.

I feel dirtier when I leave the shower, because his hair...

His hair is, like, all over my body.

It's like I have to see your dick in your shorts. God!

You know, one side is always gonna be hamstrung,

by the other side's congress, you know?

It just doesn't matter... we're done.

We're done as a country.

Matt, did you just call me?

Jeremy.

♪ The sun ♪

♪ the sun blows over the sea ♪

Hey, Abbi.

Hey...

Making up a batch of my famous peppercorn,

and cardamom cider beer.

I'm not gonna finish it all myself.

You need someone else.

We're making eye contact.

You'll let me know, then?

Your arms...

Abbi...

Abbi...

Abbi!

Thank God I caught you.

And that you're in gym shorts.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, just so you know, we need toilet paper.

Oh, we need it... we do?

Well, if you don't mind,

I mean, since you're going out anyway.

Is there anything else that I can get you,

maybe, when I'm out?

Well, I wasn't gonna ask,

but I have been hankering for something sweet.

Like a hot cookie?

Soft but not moist.

Or, surprise me!

Kill you in your sleep, how's that for a surprise?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I got a special delivery for you, Ilana.

Thank you so much, I...

I brought your beautiful thing, too.

Oh.

Jaime, you are the best roommate, and best friend I've ever had.

When you're ready to become a citizen,

my legs are wide open.

I don't think that's how it works, but thank you.

Jaime, Himmels, Hymes... how are you?

Good. Are you stoned right now?

Yeah. Good, so regarding the pot...

Mmm-hmm. We can get you that 60 bucks A.S.A.P.

Okay. Or...

This office warehouse gift card has $135 on it.

Whoa. I know, it's like, what do they even have there?

Only any office supply known to man.

I mean, I think they even have food now.

Oh, yeah... no, I'll take it.

There's like, lamps.

Please... tons of stuff.

Give it to me.

Yeah... that's good...

Trade? I'll take it.

Yes. Yes.

Bah, bah, black sheep.

Dude, the card worked. Yes.

Now we only need $140.

Easy, we're done. We're doing it, dude,

we're getting there.

Is that Lincoln?

Why is he doing this to me, before curtain?

Bah, bah, black sheep.

Lincoln, why are you here?

No offense.

I saw your tweet, so I wanted to stop by,

but I wanted to respect your space.

That's why I'm hanging back.

That's cool.

I respect you, respecting me.

Yeah?

I'm gonna respect your dick later.

Yeah!

Weekdays are tough.

It's early for lunch.

They just need time to find the audience, you know?

The first season of "Seinfeld,"

not that many people saw that show,

but it got time to grow.

Yeah.

Oh, we got a fan.

We got a fan, hey, hey, hey.

Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels.

We try to be more progressive.

We have a real connection.

Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool.

All right, let's pick it up.

Who teaches the bucket drummers?

I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere.

She should be giving us, like, 25%.

We can't do this anymore.

This is insane.

We're like... where'd the music go?

Boo!

Are you kidding me?

No... she wouldn't even have anything to dance to,

if it wasn't for us!

You suck!

What... shut up!

All right.

You come out, and you try to do some good.

Stop!

Grow up!

I just don't understand why she took the fishbowl.

I would have given it to her.

Homeless people need supplies, I don't know. I know.

And we need 90 bucks in two hours

and you need to get stoned, I need your... 90 bucks... okay.

Crazy brain, man.

You know what, Ilana, I rag on you all the time,

but you're right, like, I needed to,

get out of my element today. Hello?

I needed it.

It was nice of you to have my back...

Jesus.

Thank you for this opportunity.

We'll see you in 30 minutes or less.

Bye-bye, sir.

What?

Okay, I had a backup plan on the low this whole time,

and it's coming up, it's happening.

We are gonna make this money,

and I'll buy you a new piggy bank,

a legit piggy bank.

What is it? Come on.

Ilana, this is really good pot.

It's P.C.P.

What?

Okay.

I'm gonna start taking my clothes off now.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

This is all part of the deal.

What the, Ilana...

We're just two gals, cleaning in our underwear for an hour.

What "gals"?

We? Us gals.

I'm not doing that, dude.

Shh, shh, shhh... what?

Why are you shushing me?

No.

♪ Our treasure pleasure, leisure, leisure ♪

♪ it's all in your eyes ♪
♪

Ilana, I'm not gonna clean this man's apartment,

touch his things, in my underwear.

This is the last thing, we are so close.

We are gonna be friends with Weezie.

I'm gonna [Bleep] him, dude.

Who's Weezie? Lil Wayne!

This is the whole thing!

Listen, it is for one hour, and he's giving us $200.

No, I can't... this is gross.

What would you be doing instead?

Watching "Breaking Bad" and eating a Smart Ones?

Okay, it's a cashew stir-fry,

and I was, like, really looking forward to it.

I don't want to hear it, okay.

You're losing your edge, and I wasn't gonna say anything,

but you're not as fun as you used to be.

Guess I'll clean this dude's apartment on my own.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Mack I'm gonna ♪

♪ a millionaire ♪

♪ I'm a young money millionaire ♪

♪ tougher than Nigerian hair ♪

♪ my criteria compared to your career just isn't fair ♪

♪ I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed ♪

♪ through the pencil I leak on the sheet ♪

♪ of the tablet in my mind ♪

♪ 'cause I don't write shit 'cause I ain't got time ♪

♪ 'cause my seconds minutes hours ♪

♪ go to the almighty dollar ♪

♪ and the almighty... ♪
♪

Okay, hour's up, man.

Party's over, dude.

Money, please.

I'm sowwy.

I don't have any.

Are you joking right now?

I'm a wittle baby.

Uh... no, you're a full grown man.

I'm a baby, I have no money!

You owe us $200.00.

We just cleaned for an hour.

I don't do that at my house.

Thank you for cleaning.

No, no, no. What?

No thank you. No, no.

I just degraded my friend for you,

and I thought we were gonna be paid.

I can pay you in blocks?

You're not a baby, you're a man!

No.

I'm a baby.

Oh, yeah... you're a baby?

Does baby like this, huh?

Babies do not read books yet!

Are you a baby if you wear a hat?

Full coat with fur?

Babies don't have little... babies!

You want tissues to wipe your ass?

'Cause you're a baby?

Coat racks aren't for babies.

Marbles.

Uh-oh.

What?

Look.

I'm looking. Yeah, we saw, dude.

I hope I never see this again.

I don't even know.

All right, all right, careful of the marbles.

So I'm gonna grab this, 'cause babies don't like fur.

Are you my fwends?

No.

This is David.

Is the flight delayed?

Was the flight delayed?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪

Lil Wayne's so short, though,

that we weren't even gonna be able to see him,

from where we would have sat.

I don't think I even would have recognized him.

I don't know who this guy is.

You know, I read that he's actually better, pre-recorded.

I just didn't want to say anything, 'cause I wanted to go.

These spaces are so small,

like, we would be so close, to so many strangers

we don't know.

Drinks are, like, so expensive, and tiny, like...

Oh, my God, double... crap.

Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly?

We would be standing in line the whole concert.

The whole time, we would be standing in a line.

Ugh.

Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it,

that we're gonna look back, and be like, that was the day!

I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day.

Like, I'm so confident in myself,

I feel it in my heart.

I'm confident myself in the day.

Yes... yeah!

I believe in us.

Hyah... yeah!

Yes, dude! Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother.

I would take you on my shoulders, like,

I'd strap you up, and I'd be like, let's go through hell.

Should we go to... mm-hmm.

The subway.

We'll give you some privacy.

Enjoy your office supplies, my friend.

They even have food now.

Crazy, right?

Okay... okay, cha-cha.

Good.

Ah.

Please.

Help me.

Ay, mi amor, what happened to you?

Oh, yeah.

What the hell... what is this?

Oh, it's happening.

Why are we doing this right now?

Hymes, you can go.

She got me.

I don't got her... I'm not there with you.

Leave me one, leave me one.

Okay.

Ilana, we drank the same amount.

I'm so sorry.

I always do this.

It's fine, everyone has nights like this.

Just, if you feel like you're gonna throw up,

just give me a heads up.

You wanna come over and hang out?

We just got pizza.

What kind?