Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Animals Strike Back - full transcript
Led by Moose Nazir, the animals of Brickleberry revolt, and co-opt Malloy to take back the park. Steve works hard to prevent Malloy from finding out that it was actually he who killed Malloy's parents.
[tires screech]
[gunshot, thud]
- OH, WHERE THOSE YOUR PARENTS?
POOR LITTLE GUY.
OH, WELL.
TIME ERASES
TRAUMATIC MEMORIES.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT
MY SCOUT LEADER TOLD ME
WHEN HE MADE ME SUCK HIS--
HMM...
HUH. IT DOES WORK.
DON'T WORRY, LITTLE CUB.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
- SON, NEVER FORGET US.
NEVER FORGET
WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
- GOO-GOO, GAA...
GOD DAMN, I'M GOOD.
[gunshots]
- MALLOY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE TAKE A HIKE
AND CONNECT WITH NATURE?
- I HAVE ALL THE NATURE
I NEED RIGHT HERE.
DIE, YOU WORTHLESS ANIMALS!
[gunshots]
[beeping, bomb whistles]
[explosion]
- EXTINCTION ACHIEVED!
- SO THIS SHIT WAS RATED "E"
FOR EVERYONE, HUH?
- AAH!
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- OH, GOD.
IT'S THAT DAY AGAIN.
IT'S MALLOY'S PARENTS'
MURDERVERSARY.
[gulps]
DON'T LOOK GUILTY.
DON'T LOOK GUILTY.
- STEVE?
- AAH! I'M SORRY!
- UH, FOR WHAT?
- UH, UH--
[grunts]
- OH!
- FOR THAT.
JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
BEFOREHAND.
- APOLOGY ACCEPTED, STEVE.
- STEVE, DON'T YOU EVER
HIT CONNIE WITH A CHAIR!
USE THE CONNIE CLUB.
THAT'S
WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
NOW LISTEN UP, RANGERS.
IT'S APRIL 22ND.
ALSO KNOWN AS--
- THE DAY THAT MALLOY'S PARENTS
WERE KILLED!
- NO. EARTH DAY.
JESUS, STEVE.
WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?
- WELL, NOT BECAUSE
THERE'S A HORRIBLE MEMORY
OR CRUSHING GUILT
WEIGHING ON ME.
OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
AH!
[pounding on glass]
- WOODY, SINCE WHEN DO YOU
CARE ABOUT EARTH DAY?
- SINCE ALWAYS, ETHEL.
EARTH IS MY PLANET.
AND MY PLANET IS FULL
OF SOUPY DIPSHITS
WHO GO TO NATIONAL PARKS
ON EARTH DAY
TO PRETEND TO GIVE A FLYING
SHEEP'S QUEEF ABOUT NATURE.
AKA, THIS IS THE DAY
WE MAKES DA MAD BENJAMINS.
AM I RIGHT, DENZEL?
- YEAH, YOU WOULD BE,
IF THIS WAS THE EARLY '90s
AND YOU WERE BLACK.
- ACTUALLY, DENZEL,
IT WASN'T UNTIL THE LATE '90s
WHEN "BENJAMINS" ENTERED
THE BLACK VERNA--
OH!
- DENZEL!
IT'S THREE STEPS AWAY!
- [farts]
- OOH, ALMOST HAD IT.
- MY GOD!
WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?
- IT'S FOR THE ENVIRONMENT,
ETHEL.
I'M TRYING TO RETURN
THIS TROUT
TO ITS NATURAL HABITAT--
THAT DEEP FRYER.
[splash]
JACKPOT!
- WOODY, THIS IS A JOKE.
YOUR "CELEBRATION OF NATURE"
IS DESTROYING OUR PARK.
- ETHEL, THAT OFFENDS ME.
NOW SHUT UP AND HELP ME
OIL UP THESE PELICANS.
- MALLOY!
THERE'S MY BEST
LITTLE ORPHANED FRIEND.
- WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?
EVERY YEAR,
AROUND THIS TIME,
YOU START ACTING WEIRDER
THAN USUAL.
- NONSENSE.
[nervous laugh]
HERE, I GOT YOU A CARD.
- "SO YOUR PARENTS DIED
IN A GRUESOME ACCIDENT.
♪
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."
UH, HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED
TO CHEER ME UP?
- SORRY.
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
- HOW ABOUT STICK YOUR DICK
IN A BEEHIVE?
- ON IT.
HONEYBEE OR YELLOW JACKET?
- WHICHEVER ONE'S
MORE AGGRESSIVE.
- YELLOW JACKET IT IS.
HUH, THIS ISN'T SO BAD.
[insects buzzing]
IT KIND OF TICKLES.
AAGH!
NOW IT'S BAD!
AAH!
THEY'RE STINGING MY PENIS.
THEY ARE REALLY STINGING
MY PENIS!
SOMETHING MUST HAVE
PISSED THEM OFF. OH!
- WOW, THAT ACTUALLY
CHEERED ME UP
MORE THAN
I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
- OKAY.
I'LL STICK WITH IT.
[groans]
- WELL, TIME TO DO MY PART
FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
- WELL, NOT ONLY IS IT QUIET,
IT'S THE SAFEST CAR
ON THE RO--AAH!
[moose snorts]
- THIS REALLY IS QUIET.
THEY CAN'T EVEN
HEAR ME COMING.
[bison bellows]
[cell phone rings]
WHAT?
- MALLOY, IT'S STEVE.
I'M CALLING
FROM THE HOSPITAL.
TURNS OUT I'M ALLERGIC
TO YELLOW JACKETS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, MY PENIS
IS NOW 13 INCHES...WIDE.
- FEEL FREE TO NEVER
CALL ME AGAIN, OKAY?
[sighs]
THIS IS THE LIFE.
- HELLO, BEAR.
WE NEED TO TALK.
- JESSICA SIMPSON?
[smack]
- OH, SO THIS IS THE ANIMAL
THAT THINKS HE IS A HUMAN.
HELLO, HUMAN.
CAN WE GET YOU
SOME ANSWERING MACHINE?
[laughter]
OR PERHAPS A MCBURGER KING?
[loud laughter]
- IS THIS, LIKE, A--
IS THIS TYLER PERRY HUMOR?
BECAUSE I DO NOT GET IT.
- SILENCE!
LOOK AT THESE ANIMALS
THAT YOU DROVE UPON
WITH YOUR FUEL-EFFICIENT
DEATH MACHINE.
- I DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE
ANIMAL CROSSING SIGN.
SO WHOSE FAULT'S THAT?
- SCREW YOU, HUMAN LOVER.
LET ME EAT THIS PUSSY, BOSS.
- EASY, JOE WOLF.
NO ONE WILL BE EATING PUSSY
TODAY.
[all groan]
- AH, MAN.
- THE BEAR IS NOT TO BLAME.
THE HUMANS MADE HIM THIS WAY.
I AM MOOSE NAZIR,
LEADER OF THE ANIMALS.
WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE HOME.
PLEASE, BRING THIS HONORED GUEST
OUR FINEST FOODS.
[flies buzzing]
- SO ALL YOUR OTHER FOODS
ARE WORSE THAN THIS?
- COME NOW, THIS IS A GREAT
DELICACY FOR AN ANIMAL.
I HARVEST
THESE LARVAE MYSELF,
FROM THE ANUS
OF A MAGNIFICENT ELK CARCASS.
- I JUST HAD
THE BOTTOMLESS BOWL
OF ASS MAGGOTS
AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
SORRY, I AM GONNA--
OH, I GOTTA GO HOME.
- TO THE HUMAN WORLD?
YOU DON'T BELONG THERE.
WHAT IS SO WRONG
WITH THIS PLACE?
- UM, ASS MAGGOTS.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
YOU ARE FREE TO GO.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
TO YOUR PARENTS.
- MY PARENTS WERE ACCIDENTALLY
KILLED BY A TOURIST.
- HUH?
KILLED BY A TORTOISE?
- NO, A TOURIST.
- WHO YOU CALLING A TOURIST,
YOU UPPITY LITTLE BITCH?
I'VE LIVED HERE
FOR 273 YEARS.
I DID BLOW OFF
SACAGAWEA'S ASS!
- OH, YOU POOR,
MISGUIDED BEAR.
YOU LIVE, EAT, SLEEP
AMONG THE HUMAN RANGERS,
AND YET YOU DON'T KNOW THAT ONE
OF YOUR BELOVED RANGERS
MURDERED YOUR PARENTS!
- WHAT?
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.
- HOLY SHIT.
WHO WAS IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.
- I KNOW WHICH ONE IT WAS.
THE PURPLE ONE.
- WOLVES ARE COLOR-BLIND,
JOE WOLF!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep]
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- HE SOUNDED PURPLE.
- HOW COULD THEY?
- FEEL THE ANGER
SURGE THROUGH YOUR VEINS.
LET IT OVERTAKE YOU.
- I WANT BLOOD.
- AS DIPPING SAUCE
FOR ASS MAGGOTS, RIGHT?
- NO, FOR REVENGE.
- WELL, REVENGE
IS A DISH BEST SERVED
WITH ASS MAGGOTS.
SERIOUSLY, JUST TRY ONE
OF THESE ASS MAGGOTS.
- I JUST DON'T GET IT.
WHY WOULD A RANGER
KILL MY PARENTS?
- BECAUSE HUMANS ARE EVIL.
THIS INJURIES ARE JUST
FROM THE EARTH DAY CELEBRATION.
OUR DOCTORS HAVE BEEN WORKING
AROUND THE CLOCK.
GIVE ME YOUR REPORT,
DR. GOOSENIAK.
- HMM, THIS FOX
HAS A SERIOUS HEAD WOUND.
LICK IT.
THIS SKUNK HAS
A SEVERELY BROKEN LEG.
LICK IT.
AND THIS RACCOON
HAS A SPRAINED PENIS.
GARY, YOU'VE SPRAINED YOUR PENIS
EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
- WHAT CAN I SAY?
I LEAD AN ACTIVE LIFE.
NOW MAKE WITH THE LICKING.
- HUMANS HAVE ALWAYS
MISTREATED ANIMALS.
- WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
- MALLOY,
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
THAT CAN COMMUNICATE OUR DEMANDS
TO THOSE FILTHY HUMANS.
TAKE UP OUR CAUSE,
AND I PROMISE YOU VENGEANCE
FOR YOUR PARENTS.
- I'LL DO IT.
- OH, I JUST REMEMBERED.
I ALSO SPRAINED MY BALLS.
- THE BAD NEWS IS,
THE YELLOW JACKETS
THAT BURROWED UP
MY PEE HOLE
MADE A NEST
OUT OF MY PROSTATE.
- JESUS,
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
- I'M PISSING HONEY.
- WOW, MALLOY.
YOU LOOK SO SERIOUS.
EVERYTHING ALL--
- SILENCE, HUMAN.
- MALLOY, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU'VE NEVER
CALLED CONNIE HUMAN BEFORE.
- BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU ALL ARE.
AND WE HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS
WITH HUMANS.
- OH, YEAH?
WHO'S "WE"?
DID YOU MAKE
SOME NEW FURRY FRIENDS?
GOOD FOR YOU.
- HERE'S A LIST
OF ALL OF OUR DEMANDS.
- AW, THAT'S CUTE.
"STOP POLLUTING.
NO MORE MOTOR VEHICLES.
AND MORE HOT,
WET GOAT COOTER"?
- HELL, YEAH!
I MEAN, HOW DID THAT
GET ON THERE?
I MEAN, BAA.
- MALLOY, THAT IS A BUNCH
OF ADORABLE,
TIME-WASTING NONSENSE.
ANYTHING ELSE?
- YES.
TURN OVER THE RANGER
WHO KILLED MY PARENTS.
- [gasps]
- A RANGER KILLED YOUR PARENTS?
IMPOSSIBLE!
NO RANGER COULD DO SOMETHING
SO CRUEL.
RIGHT, STEVE?
- [gasps]
- STEVE, SHUT UP.
YOU SOUND LIKE ADELE
WALKING UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
- SORRY.
- SO WOODY, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?
- AW, DADDY'S LITTLE FUZZY WUZZY
WANTS TO BE A COMMIE.
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO
IF WE DON'T COMPLY
WITH ALL YOUR
WITTLE BITTIE DEMANDS?
STRIKE?
HOW THE HELL DO ANIMALS
GO ON STRIKE?
- UH, YEAH, I PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE OFFERED
TO HELP WITH THOSE SIGNS.
- HEY! YOU!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
YOU JUST GOT HERE.
- HEY, NO ONE WANTS TO GO
TO A PARK WITHOUT ANIMALS.
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE GOING
TO A LAKERS GAME
AND NOT GETTING GANGBANGED
BY THE TEAM
WHILE MY HUSBAND
PULLS THE CAR AROUND.
- YEAH!
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
[glass shatters]
- YOU TWO!
GO ROUND US UP SOME ANIMALS
WHO AREN'T AFRAID TO CROSS
A PICKET LINE.
- SCABS?
YOU WANT US TO GET YOU
SCAB ANIMALS?
- DON'T THINK OF THEM
AS SCABS.
THINK OF THEM
AS IMPROVEMENTS.
YOU KNOW,
LIKE WHEN JAR JAR
KICKED THAT STAR WARS FRANCHISE
INTO HYPERSPACE.
[laughs]
SWIMS LIKE A FISH,
TALKS LIKE A SLAVE.
IT'S BRILLIANT!
HOW DID GEORGE COME UP
WITH THAT?
OH, HE'S A [bleep] GENIUS.
- OOPS.
MY BAD.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL
AN ANIMAL.
- IT'S OKAY.
FISH ARE ASSHOLES.
[spits]
YOU ARE LEARNING WELL,
YOUNG CUB.
AND FOR THAT,
I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT.
- AWESOME.
LAY IT ON ME, NAZ.
OH, WHAT IS HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW?
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
MOOSE NAZIR HAS NEVER LET
ANOTHER ANIMAL SNIFF HIS BUTT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT A BIG HONOR THIS IS?
- NO?
- YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD.
LET ME GET IN THERE, BOSS.
I'LL SNIFF YOU GOOD.
I'LL GET IN SO DEEP,
YOU'LL BE SHITTIN' BOOGERS
FOR A MONTH.
- NO, JOE WOLF.
THIS HONOR IS RESERVED
FOR THE SON I NEVER HAD.
- I'M AN ANIMAL.
THIS IS WHAT ANIMALS DO.
JUST DO IT.
[sniffs]
OH...WHAT AN HONOR.
OH.
[gags]
- OH, YOU LIKE IT?
PLEASE.
GRAB A SNIFF FOR THE ROAD.
- SCAB ANIMALS?
HAS WOODY LOST HIS GODDAMN MIND?
- YES, BUT THIS
IS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO HELP NEGLECTED
AND ABUSED ANIMALS.
WE CAN GIVE THEM
THE LIFE THEY DESERVE.
LIKE THIS HUNGRY
LITTLE KITTY.
[cat yowls]
OW! BASTARD!
- [muttering indistinctly]
[rat squeaking]
[cat screeches]
- LOOK AT THAT MAN
JUST ABUSING HIS DOG.
MAKING HIM WEAR
AN ARIZONA CARDINALS JERSEY.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
THE TIME?
- WHY, YES, IT'S--
- YOUR DOG'S A FROZEN TURKEY.
- OH, MY GOD!
THEN WHAT DID I PUT
IN THE OVEN?
- WHAT'S ALL THIS?
- I'M GOING THROUGH ALL
THE OLD PARK'S SECURITY FOOTAGE
TO PROVE OUR INNOCENCE.
- WELL, GOOD LUCK
MAKING YOUR WAY
THROUGH COUNTLESS HOURS OF--
- HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A TAPE
FROM THE SAME DAY
MALLOY ENDED UP
ON OUR DOORSTEP.
- [gasps]
- WOW, STEVE.
YOU SOUND LIKE ADELE
GOING DOWN ON ME.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- NO.
NO, IT'S NOT.
THE JIG IS UP, CONNIE.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO ADMIT.
- JAR JAR BINKS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
[as Jar Jar Binks]
MEESA LIKE.
MEESA LIKE YOU.
OH JAR JAR,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JAR JAR, THIS IS CRAZY!
STOP. STOP.
DON'T STOP.
DON'T--OH. AH.
OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.
[cat meows weakly]
- JESUS CHRIST!
WHEN I SAID "SCAB ANIMALS,"
I DIDN'T MEAN ANIMALS
WITH SCABS ON 'EM!
DOES THAT CAT
HAVE FELINE AIDS?
- NAH, JUST REGULAR AIDS.
[cat croaks]
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THE POODLE.
- HE'S OVER THERE PICKETING!
[poodle barks]
THIS IS A DISASTER!
THE TOURISTS ARE ALL GONE!
- THE STRIKE IS WORKING.
SOON, THEY'LL
GIVE INTO OUR DEMANDS
AND TURN OVER THE PRICK
WHO KILLED MY PARENTS.
- [laughs]
PATIENCE, MY SON.
THE STRIKE WAS JUST A DEVICE
TO GET THE RANGERS
ALONE AND VULNERABLE.
IT'S TIME FOR PHASE TWO.
- MAKE THEM SMELL YOUR ASS?
- NO. KILL THEM.
ALL OF THEM!
- [chokes]
- YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HELP
THAT COUGH?
A QUICK BUTT SNIFF.
- [sniffs]
- WHAT THE [bleep],
JOE WOLF?
YOU TRYING TO SNEAK
A SNIFF?
- NO, BOSS.
I JUST LOST MY CAR KEYS.
I THOUGHT I SAW 'EM
IN YOUR BUTT.
- ALL RIGHT, ETHEL.
WE TRIED IT YOUR WAY.
NOW WE'RE GONNA TRY IT
MY WAY.
GIVE ME 100 UNMARKED,
NON-CONSECUTIVE PUPPIES.
AND DON'T TRY TO GIVE ME
THE ONES WITH THE DYE PACKS.
I'M ONTO YOU,
MOTHER[bleep]!
- WOW, CRIME DOES PAY.
YOU THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH?
- WE SHOULD.
WE KNOCKED OVER 2 ZOOS,
12 PET STORES,
AND A CHUCK E. CHEESE.
♪
GODDAMN PUPPY DYE PACK!
- WE WILL KILL THE HUMANS,
YOU WILL HAVE YOUR REVENGE,
BUT WE WON'T STOP THERE.
WE WILL PUNISH ANY ANIMAL
WHO ASSOCIATES
WITH HUMAN THINGS.
AH, NEIL.
HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
- JUST CHILLIN'
LIKE A MOTHERBUCKER.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU,
MOOSE N?
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ENJOYING
ANY HUMAN FOOD, HAVE YOU?
MAYBE ROOTING AROUND
IN THE TRASH CAN?
YOU KNOW THIS
IS AGAINST OUR RULES.
- NO WAY.
I HATE HUMAN FOOD.
AH, SHIT!
- KILL HIM.
- OH, NO!
OH! OH, IT HURTS!
- WHOA, I DID NOT REALIZE
YOU GUYS WERE THIS INTENSE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I EVEN ORDERED THE TIGER HIT
ON SIEGFRIED AND ROY.
- WOW.
I THOUGHT THAT TIGER JUST HATED
MAGICIANS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
THEY KILLED NEIL
FOR EATING A DOUGHNUT.
I JUST NEED TO CALM DOWN,
RELAX.
NO MORE HUMAN STUFF.
RIGHT AFTER
I BEAT GEARS OF WAR...
AND EAT A KING-SIZED
SNICKER BAR...
AND THIS
BUFFALO CHICKEN PIZZA...
AND GET A HAPPY ENDING
FROM THIS FILIPINO HOOKER.
- [laughs]
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S
SNIFFED HIS LAST MOOSE ASS.
NICE.
- [groans]
"THE KEY TO BEING
A SAFE DRIVER--"
[thud, tires screech]
OH, MY GOD!
WAIT.
YOU'RE BOTH STILL ALIVE.
I'LL GO CALL FOR HELP.
[groans]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
AAH!
UGH, I CAN'T
KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS.
I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING
I SHOULD HAVE DONE
A LONG TIME AGO.
- [snores]
- CONNIE, WAKE UP.
- AAH!
[glass shatters]
UGH!
SORRY.
WHAT'S GOING ON, STEVE?
- THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO SHOW YOU.
- STEVE, THAT'S SO SWEET,
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE.
I'M GAY.
OH, MY GOD.
IT FEELS SO GOOD
TO FINALLY SAY IT.
WHAT A BURDEN LIFTED.
- THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE.
IT'S THIS.
[as Connie]
LOOK AT ME. I'M CONNIE.
I'M DRIVING.
OOPS!
I HIT SOMETHING.
DUM DEE DUM DUM DUM DUM.
BANG!
SHOT MALLOY'S PARENTS.
I'M SO STUPID.
- OH, NO.
IT WAS ME.
I KILLED MALLOY'S PARENTS.
I NEED TO CONFESS TO HIM
RIGHT NOW!
- BUT THOSE ANIMALS
MIGHT KILL YOU.
- IT'S WHAT I DESERVE.
UNLESS THERE'S SOME OTHER PIECE
OF INFORMATION
THAT COULD CLEAR MY NAME
AND SAVE MY LIFE.
- HMM,
NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.
- [screams]
- WHAT HAVE I DONE?
THEY'RE GONNA KILL CONNIE.
- SCREW THAT FAT BITCH.
WHO CARES IF THEY KILL HER?
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HELLO?
IS ANYONE THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
JUST DO WHAT HE SAID.
[sighs]
- WHAT UP, MY BRETHREN?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WOULD HURT ME LIKE THIS.
- UH-OH.
SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE.
- I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- SO YOU DIDN'T SPEND ALL DAY
ON YOUR BOXED "X"
PLAYING QUEERS OF WHORE?
- I CAN HONESTLY SAY NO
TO THAT.
- AND TO THINK I OPENED
MY ANUS TO YOU.
- I'M SORRY, MOOSE NAZIR.
PLEASE, IT WILL NEVER
HAPPEN AGAIN.
- ATTENTION, ANIMALS.
I AM--
- A BLOATED, GINGER SHE-BEAST!
BUT ALSO COMPLETELY INNOCENT.
- THAT FIRST PART
WAS KIND OF MEAN.
- NO, CONNIE,
IT WAS HONESTY,
AND THAT'S
WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW.
MALLOY, I DID IT.
I KILLED YOUR PARENTS.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
YOU'RE DEAD, STEVE.
- GOOD.
REDEEM YOURSELF.
ALLOW YOUR ANIMAL INSTINCTS
TO TAKE CONTROL.
EAT HIS FACE OFF.
- [laughs]
I'M SORRY.
IT JUST SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID,
"EAT HIS FACE OFF."
- I DID.
- [laughs] I'M SORRY.
IT JUST SOUNDED
LIKE YOU SAID, "I DID."
WHAT? WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
THIS IS CRAZY.
DID YOU JUST NOD?
- DO IT!
- HEY, THIS MIGHT NOT BE
THE RIGHT TIME,
BUT ARE YOU
KHLOE KARDASHIAN?
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR AS UGLY
AS YOU ARE ON TELEVISION.
- AND THAT'S
THE WHOLE STORY, MALLOY.
- YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
THAT YOU TRIPPED,
SHOT TWO BEARS THROUGH THE HEAD
WITH ONE BULLET?
- I KNOW.
IMAGINE HOW SURPRISED
YOUR PARENTS WERE.
- COME ON, MALLOY BEAR.
DO IT.
SHOW US YOU
ARE A TRUE ANIMAL.
FOR ONCE YOU EAT HIS FACE,
YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK!
DO IT!
- MALLOY, I DESERVE
TO BE EATEN ALIVE.
HERE'S SOME ARBY'S
HORSEY SAUCE PACKETS
THAT I THINK WOULD GO GREAT
WITH MY FACE.
- DO IT NOW!
- UH, UH...
UH, AH, UH...
UGH, I CAN'T EAT HIS FACE.
YOU SURE
I SHOULD EAT HIM RAW?
CAN'T I GET SALMONELLA?
- PROOF YOU ARE A HUMAN LOVER!
- SO WHAT IF I AM?
I LIKE MY LIFE.
I BELONG WITH THE HUMANS.
AND IF THAT BOTHERS YOU,
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO KILL ALL OF US.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S KILL ALL OF THEM.
- OOH, I SUCK AT ULTIMATUMS.
LOOK! JOHNNY DEPP!
- WHERE?
WHERE IS JOHNNY DEPP?
♪
- CONNIE, DO SOMETHING!
- HERE.
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW?
- LET'S START WITH CONNIE
PUTTING A SHIRT BACK ON.
♪
- WHERE THE HELL DID
ALL THOSE STUPID ANIMALS GO?
HEY, I'M READY TO NEGOTIATE!
- HERE THEY ARE!
- WHERE? AAH! OW!
♪
- NOW, MY LITTLE FURRY FRIEND.
THIS IS HOW YOU EAT A FACE.
AH...
- STOP! I DIDN'T WANT IT
TO COME TO THIS,
BUT YOU'VE LEFT ME
WITH NO CHOICE.
ATTACK, MY CHILDREN!
[insects buzzing]
OW! AH!
NO, NO, THEM!
AAH! THEM!
ATTACK THEM!
[gunshot]
[bullet ricocheting]
- HA! YOU MISSED!
[ricochet]
- YOU HAD A GUN
THE WHOLE TIME?
♪
- WELL, I GOTTA SAY, ETHEL.
YOU DO PUT ON A BETTER EARTH DAY
CELEBRATION THAN ME.
- I HOPE WE ALL LEARNED
A VALUABLE LESSON--
THAT EVERYONE
NEEDS TO RESPECT NATURE
AND BE NICER TO ANIMALS.
- OR, WHEN YOU DO
KILL AN ANIMAL,
REPLACE IT WITH A ROBOT.
♪
[camera shutter snaps]
[men grunting]
- WELL, IT'S THAT DAY AGAIN,
MALLOY.
I WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY
FOR WHAT I DID.
- AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
STEVE.
AFTER ALL, IF YOU
DIDN'T KILL MY PARENTS,
I WOULDN'T BE WATCHING
BUMFIGHTS,
EATING THIS MICROWAVE
CORN DOG RIGHT NOW.
ANIMALS DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE MISSING.
- WELL, I GUESS I DID YOU
A FAVOR, HUH?
- SURE. AND AS A THANK YOU,
I GOT YOU A SURPRISE.
- MOM? DAD?
[gunshot]
- AND NOW WE'RE EVEN.
- [laughs]
[tapping keys,
bell dings]
♪
[gunshot, thud]
- OH, WHERE THOSE YOUR PARENTS?
POOR LITTLE GUY.
OH, WELL.
TIME ERASES
TRAUMATIC MEMORIES.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT
MY SCOUT LEADER TOLD ME
WHEN HE MADE ME SUCK HIS--
HMM...
HUH. IT DOES WORK.
DON'T WORRY, LITTLE CUB.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
- SON, NEVER FORGET US.
NEVER FORGET
WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
- GOO-GOO, GAA...
GOD DAMN, I'M GOOD.
[gunshots]
- MALLOY, WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE TAKE A HIKE
AND CONNECT WITH NATURE?
- I HAVE ALL THE NATURE
I NEED RIGHT HERE.
DIE, YOU WORTHLESS ANIMALS!
[gunshots]
[beeping, bomb whistles]
[explosion]
- EXTINCTION ACHIEVED!
- SO THIS SHIT WAS RATED "E"
FOR EVERYONE, HUH?
- AAH!
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- OH, GOD.
IT'S THAT DAY AGAIN.
IT'S MALLOY'S PARENTS'
MURDERVERSARY.
[gulps]
DON'T LOOK GUILTY.
DON'T LOOK GUILTY.
- STEVE?
- AAH! I'M SORRY!
- UH, FOR WHAT?
- UH, UH--
[grunts]
- OH!
- FOR THAT.
JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
BEFOREHAND.
- APOLOGY ACCEPTED, STEVE.
- STEVE, DON'T YOU EVER
HIT CONNIE WITH A CHAIR!
USE THE CONNIE CLUB.
THAT'S
WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
NOW LISTEN UP, RANGERS.
IT'S APRIL 22ND.
ALSO KNOWN AS--
- THE DAY THAT MALLOY'S PARENTS
WERE KILLED!
- NO. EARTH DAY.
JESUS, STEVE.
WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?
- WELL, NOT BECAUSE
THERE'S A HORRIBLE MEMORY
OR CRUSHING GUILT
WEIGHING ON ME.
OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
AH!
[pounding on glass]
- WOODY, SINCE WHEN DO YOU
CARE ABOUT EARTH DAY?
- SINCE ALWAYS, ETHEL.
EARTH IS MY PLANET.
AND MY PLANET IS FULL
OF SOUPY DIPSHITS
WHO GO TO NATIONAL PARKS
ON EARTH DAY
TO PRETEND TO GIVE A FLYING
SHEEP'S QUEEF ABOUT NATURE.
AKA, THIS IS THE DAY
WE MAKES DA MAD BENJAMINS.
AM I RIGHT, DENZEL?
- YEAH, YOU WOULD BE,
IF THIS WAS THE EARLY '90s
AND YOU WERE BLACK.
- ACTUALLY, DENZEL,
IT WASN'T UNTIL THE LATE '90s
WHEN "BENJAMINS" ENTERED
THE BLACK VERNA--
OH!
- DENZEL!
IT'S THREE STEPS AWAY!
- [farts]
- OOH, ALMOST HAD IT.
- MY GOD!
WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?
- IT'S FOR THE ENVIRONMENT,
ETHEL.
I'M TRYING TO RETURN
THIS TROUT
TO ITS NATURAL HABITAT--
THAT DEEP FRYER.
[splash]
JACKPOT!
- WOODY, THIS IS A JOKE.
YOUR "CELEBRATION OF NATURE"
IS DESTROYING OUR PARK.
- ETHEL, THAT OFFENDS ME.
NOW SHUT UP AND HELP ME
OIL UP THESE PELICANS.
- MALLOY!
THERE'S MY BEST
LITTLE ORPHANED FRIEND.
- WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?
EVERY YEAR,
AROUND THIS TIME,
YOU START ACTING WEIRDER
THAN USUAL.
- NONSENSE.
[nervous laugh]
HERE, I GOT YOU A CARD.
- "SO YOUR PARENTS DIED
IN A GRUESOME ACCIDENT.
♪
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."
UH, HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED
TO CHEER ME UP?
- SORRY.
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
- HOW ABOUT STICK YOUR DICK
IN A BEEHIVE?
- ON IT.
HONEYBEE OR YELLOW JACKET?
- WHICHEVER ONE'S
MORE AGGRESSIVE.
- YELLOW JACKET IT IS.
HUH, THIS ISN'T SO BAD.
[insects buzzing]
IT KIND OF TICKLES.
AAGH!
NOW IT'S BAD!
AAH!
THEY'RE STINGING MY PENIS.
THEY ARE REALLY STINGING
MY PENIS!
SOMETHING MUST HAVE
PISSED THEM OFF. OH!
- WOW, THAT ACTUALLY
CHEERED ME UP
MORE THAN
I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
- OKAY.
I'LL STICK WITH IT.
[groans]
- WELL, TIME TO DO MY PART
FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
- WELL, NOT ONLY IS IT QUIET,
IT'S THE SAFEST CAR
ON THE RO--AAH!
[moose snorts]
- THIS REALLY IS QUIET.
THEY CAN'T EVEN
HEAR ME COMING.
[bison bellows]
[cell phone rings]
WHAT?
- MALLOY, IT'S STEVE.
I'M CALLING
FROM THE HOSPITAL.
TURNS OUT I'M ALLERGIC
TO YELLOW JACKETS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, MY PENIS
IS NOW 13 INCHES...WIDE.
- FEEL FREE TO NEVER
CALL ME AGAIN, OKAY?
[sighs]
THIS IS THE LIFE.
- HELLO, BEAR.
WE NEED TO TALK.
- JESSICA SIMPSON?
[smack]
- OH, SO THIS IS THE ANIMAL
THAT THINKS HE IS A HUMAN.
HELLO, HUMAN.
CAN WE GET YOU
SOME ANSWERING MACHINE?
[laughter]
OR PERHAPS A MCBURGER KING?
[loud laughter]
- IS THIS, LIKE, A--
IS THIS TYLER PERRY HUMOR?
BECAUSE I DO NOT GET IT.
- SILENCE!
LOOK AT THESE ANIMALS
THAT YOU DROVE UPON
WITH YOUR FUEL-EFFICIENT
DEATH MACHINE.
- I DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE
ANIMAL CROSSING SIGN.
SO WHOSE FAULT'S THAT?
- SCREW YOU, HUMAN LOVER.
LET ME EAT THIS PUSSY, BOSS.
- EASY, JOE WOLF.
NO ONE WILL BE EATING PUSSY
TODAY.
[all groan]
- AH, MAN.
- THE BEAR IS NOT TO BLAME.
THE HUMANS MADE HIM THIS WAY.
I AM MOOSE NAZIR,
LEADER OF THE ANIMALS.
WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE HOME.
PLEASE, BRING THIS HONORED GUEST
OUR FINEST FOODS.
[flies buzzing]
- SO ALL YOUR OTHER FOODS
ARE WORSE THAN THIS?
- COME NOW, THIS IS A GREAT
DELICACY FOR AN ANIMAL.
I HARVEST
THESE LARVAE MYSELF,
FROM THE ANUS
OF A MAGNIFICENT ELK CARCASS.
- I JUST HAD
THE BOTTOMLESS BOWL
OF ASS MAGGOTS
AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
SORRY, I AM GONNA--
OH, I GOTTA GO HOME.
- TO THE HUMAN WORLD?
YOU DON'T BELONG THERE.
WHAT IS SO WRONG
WITH THIS PLACE?
- UM, ASS MAGGOTS.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
YOU ARE FREE TO GO.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
TO YOUR PARENTS.
- MY PARENTS WERE ACCIDENTALLY
KILLED BY A TOURIST.
- HUH?
KILLED BY A TORTOISE?
- NO, A TOURIST.
- WHO YOU CALLING A TOURIST,
YOU UPPITY LITTLE BITCH?
I'VE LIVED HERE
FOR 273 YEARS.
I DID BLOW OFF
SACAGAWEA'S ASS!
- OH, YOU POOR,
MISGUIDED BEAR.
YOU LIVE, EAT, SLEEP
AMONG THE HUMAN RANGERS,
AND YET YOU DON'T KNOW THAT ONE
OF YOUR BELOVED RANGERS
MURDERED YOUR PARENTS!
- WHAT?
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.
- HOLY SHIT.
WHO WAS IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.
- I KNOW WHICH ONE IT WAS.
THE PURPLE ONE.
- WOLVES ARE COLOR-BLIND,
JOE WOLF!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [bleep]
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- HE SOUNDED PURPLE.
- HOW COULD THEY?
- FEEL THE ANGER
SURGE THROUGH YOUR VEINS.
LET IT OVERTAKE YOU.
- I WANT BLOOD.
- AS DIPPING SAUCE
FOR ASS MAGGOTS, RIGHT?
- NO, FOR REVENGE.
- WELL, REVENGE
IS A DISH BEST SERVED
WITH ASS MAGGOTS.
SERIOUSLY, JUST TRY ONE
OF THESE ASS MAGGOTS.
- I JUST DON'T GET IT.
WHY WOULD A RANGER
KILL MY PARENTS?
- BECAUSE HUMANS ARE EVIL.
THIS INJURIES ARE JUST
FROM THE EARTH DAY CELEBRATION.
OUR DOCTORS HAVE BEEN WORKING
AROUND THE CLOCK.
GIVE ME YOUR REPORT,
DR. GOOSENIAK.
- HMM, THIS FOX
HAS A SERIOUS HEAD WOUND.
LICK IT.
THIS SKUNK HAS
A SEVERELY BROKEN LEG.
LICK IT.
AND THIS RACCOON
HAS A SPRAINED PENIS.
GARY, YOU'VE SPRAINED YOUR PENIS
EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
- WHAT CAN I SAY?
I LEAD AN ACTIVE LIFE.
NOW MAKE WITH THE LICKING.
- HUMANS HAVE ALWAYS
MISTREATED ANIMALS.
- WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
- MALLOY,
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
THAT CAN COMMUNICATE OUR DEMANDS
TO THOSE FILTHY HUMANS.
TAKE UP OUR CAUSE,
AND I PROMISE YOU VENGEANCE
FOR YOUR PARENTS.
- I'LL DO IT.
- OH, I JUST REMEMBERED.
I ALSO SPRAINED MY BALLS.
- THE BAD NEWS IS,
THE YELLOW JACKETS
THAT BURROWED UP
MY PEE HOLE
MADE A NEST
OUT OF MY PROSTATE.
- JESUS,
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
- I'M PISSING HONEY.
- WOW, MALLOY.
YOU LOOK SO SERIOUS.
EVERYTHING ALL--
- SILENCE, HUMAN.
- MALLOY, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU'VE NEVER
CALLED CONNIE HUMAN BEFORE.
- BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU ALL ARE.
AND WE HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS
WITH HUMANS.
- OH, YEAH?
WHO'S "WE"?
DID YOU MAKE
SOME NEW FURRY FRIENDS?
GOOD FOR YOU.
- HERE'S A LIST
OF ALL OF OUR DEMANDS.
- AW, THAT'S CUTE.
"STOP POLLUTING.
NO MORE MOTOR VEHICLES.
AND MORE HOT,
WET GOAT COOTER"?
- HELL, YEAH!
I MEAN, HOW DID THAT
GET ON THERE?
I MEAN, BAA.
- MALLOY, THAT IS A BUNCH
OF ADORABLE,
TIME-WASTING NONSENSE.
ANYTHING ELSE?
- YES.
TURN OVER THE RANGER
WHO KILLED MY PARENTS.
- [gasps]
- A RANGER KILLED YOUR PARENTS?
IMPOSSIBLE!
NO RANGER COULD DO SOMETHING
SO CRUEL.
RIGHT, STEVE?
- [gasps]
- STEVE, SHUT UP.
YOU SOUND LIKE ADELE
WALKING UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
- SORRY.
- SO WOODY, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?
- AW, DADDY'S LITTLE FUZZY WUZZY
WANTS TO BE A COMMIE.
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO
IF WE DON'T COMPLY
WITH ALL YOUR
WITTLE BITTIE DEMANDS?
STRIKE?
HOW THE HELL DO ANIMALS
GO ON STRIKE?
- UH, YEAH, I PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE OFFERED
TO HELP WITH THOSE SIGNS.
- HEY! YOU!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
YOU JUST GOT HERE.
- HEY, NO ONE WANTS TO GO
TO A PARK WITHOUT ANIMALS.
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE GOING
TO A LAKERS GAME
AND NOT GETTING GANGBANGED
BY THE TEAM
WHILE MY HUSBAND
PULLS THE CAR AROUND.
- YEAH!
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
[glass shatters]
- YOU TWO!
GO ROUND US UP SOME ANIMALS
WHO AREN'T AFRAID TO CROSS
A PICKET LINE.
- SCABS?
YOU WANT US TO GET YOU
SCAB ANIMALS?
- DON'T THINK OF THEM
AS SCABS.
THINK OF THEM
AS IMPROVEMENTS.
YOU KNOW,
LIKE WHEN JAR JAR
KICKED THAT STAR WARS FRANCHISE
INTO HYPERSPACE.
[laughs]
SWIMS LIKE A FISH,
TALKS LIKE A SLAVE.
IT'S BRILLIANT!
HOW DID GEORGE COME UP
WITH THAT?
OH, HE'S A [bleep] GENIUS.
- OOPS.
MY BAD.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL
AN ANIMAL.
- IT'S OKAY.
FISH ARE ASSHOLES.
[spits]
YOU ARE LEARNING WELL,
YOUNG CUB.
AND FOR THAT,
I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT.
- AWESOME.
LAY IT ON ME, NAZ.
OH, WHAT IS HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW?
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
MOOSE NAZIR HAS NEVER LET
ANOTHER ANIMAL SNIFF HIS BUTT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT A BIG HONOR THIS IS?
- NO?
- YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD.
LET ME GET IN THERE, BOSS.
I'LL SNIFF YOU GOOD.
I'LL GET IN SO DEEP,
YOU'LL BE SHITTIN' BOOGERS
FOR A MONTH.
- NO, JOE WOLF.
THIS HONOR IS RESERVED
FOR THE SON I NEVER HAD.
- I'M AN ANIMAL.
THIS IS WHAT ANIMALS DO.
JUST DO IT.
[sniffs]
OH...WHAT AN HONOR.
OH.
[gags]
- OH, YOU LIKE IT?
PLEASE.
GRAB A SNIFF FOR THE ROAD.
- SCAB ANIMALS?
HAS WOODY LOST HIS GODDAMN MIND?
- YES, BUT THIS
IS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO HELP NEGLECTED
AND ABUSED ANIMALS.
WE CAN GIVE THEM
THE LIFE THEY DESERVE.
LIKE THIS HUNGRY
LITTLE KITTY.
[cat yowls]
OW! BASTARD!
- [muttering indistinctly]
[rat squeaking]
[cat screeches]
- LOOK AT THAT MAN
JUST ABUSING HIS DOG.
MAKING HIM WEAR
AN ARIZONA CARDINALS JERSEY.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
THE TIME?
- WHY, YES, IT'S--
- YOUR DOG'S A FROZEN TURKEY.
- OH, MY GOD!
THEN WHAT DID I PUT
IN THE OVEN?
- WHAT'S ALL THIS?
- I'M GOING THROUGH ALL
THE OLD PARK'S SECURITY FOOTAGE
TO PROVE OUR INNOCENCE.
- WELL, GOOD LUCK
MAKING YOUR WAY
THROUGH COUNTLESS HOURS OF--
- HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A TAPE
FROM THE SAME DAY
MALLOY ENDED UP
ON OUR DOORSTEP.
- [gasps]
- WOW, STEVE.
YOU SOUND LIKE ADELE
GOING DOWN ON ME.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- NO.
NO, IT'S NOT.
THE JIG IS UP, CONNIE.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO ADMIT.
- JAR JAR BINKS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
[as Jar Jar Binks]
MEESA LIKE.
MEESA LIKE YOU.
OH JAR JAR,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JAR JAR, THIS IS CRAZY!
STOP. STOP.
DON'T STOP.
DON'T--OH. AH.
OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.
[cat meows weakly]
- JESUS CHRIST!
WHEN I SAID "SCAB ANIMALS,"
I DIDN'T MEAN ANIMALS
WITH SCABS ON 'EM!
DOES THAT CAT
HAVE FELINE AIDS?
- NAH, JUST REGULAR AIDS.
[cat croaks]
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THE POODLE.
- HE'S OVER THERE PICKETING!
[poodle barks]
THIS IS A DISASTER!
THE TOURISTS ARE ALL GONE!
- THE STRIKE IS WORKING.
SOON, THEY'LL
GIVE INTO OUR DEMANDS
AND TURN OVER THE PRICK
WHO KILLED MY PARENTS.
- [laughs]
PATIENCE, MY SON.
THE STRIKE WAS JUST A DEVICE
TO GET THE RANGERS
ALONE AND VULNERABLE.
IT'S TIME FOR PHASE TWO.
- MAKE THEM SMELL YOUR ASS?
- NO. KILL THEM.
ALL OF THEM!
- [chokes]
- YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HELP
THAT COUGH?
A QUICK BUTT SNIFF.
- [sniffs]
- WHAT THE [bleep],
JOE WOLF?
YOU TRYING TO SNEAK
A SNIFF?
- NO, BOSS.
I JUST LOST MY CAR KEYS.
I THOUGHT I SAW 'EM
IN YOUR BUTT.
- ALL RIGHT, ETHEL.
WE TRIED IT YOUR WAY.
NOW WE'RE GONNA TRY IT
MY WAY.
GIVE ME 100 UNMARKED,
NON-CONSECUTIVE PUPPIES.
AND DON'T TRY TO GIVE ME
THE ONES WITH THE DYE PACKS.
I'M ONTO YOU,
MOTHER[bleep]!
- WOW, CRIME DOES PAY.
YOU THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH?
- WE SHOULD.
WE KNOCKED OVER 2 ZOOS,
12 PET STORES,
AND A CHUCK E. CHEESE.
♪
GODDAMN PUPPY DYE PACK!
- WE WILL KILL THE HUMANS,
YOU WILL HAVE YOUR REVENGE,
BUT WE WON'T STOP THERE.
WE WILL PUNISH ANY ANIMAL
WHO ASSOCIATES
WITH HUMAN THINGS.
AH, NEIL.
HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
- JUST CHILLIN'
LIKE A MOTHERBUCKER.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU,
MOOSE N?
- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ENJOYING
ANY HUMAN FOOD, HAVE YOU?
MAYBE ROOTING AROUND
IN THE TRASH CAN?
YOU KNOW THIS
IS AGAINST OUR RULES.
- NO WAY.
I HATE HUMAN FOOD.
AH, SHIT!
- KILL HIM.
- OH, NO!
OH! OH, IT HURTS!
- WHOA, I DID NOT REALIZE
YOU GUYS WERE THIS INTENSE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
I EVEN ORDERED THE TIGER HIT
ON SIEGFRIED AND ROY.
- WOW.
I THOUGHT THAT TIGER JUST HATED
MAGICIANS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
THEY KILLED NEIL
FOR EATING A DOUGHNUT.
I JUST NEED TO CALM DOWN,
RELAX.
NO MORE HUMAN STUFF.
RIGHT AFTER
I BEAT GEARS OF WAR...
AND EAT A KING-SIZED
SNICKER BAR...
AND THIS
BUFFALO CHICKEN PIZZA...
AND GET A HAPPY ENDING
FROM THIS FILIPINO HOOKER.
- [laughs]
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S
SNIFFED HIS LAST MOOSE ASS.
NICE.
- [groans]
"THE KEY TO BEING
A SAFE DRIVER--"
[thud, tires screech]
OH, MY GOD!
WAIT.
YOU'RE BOTH STILL ALIVE.
I'LL GO CALL FOR HELP.
[groans]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
AAH!
UGH, I CAN'T
KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS.
I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING
I SHOULD HAVE DONE
A LONG TIME AGO.
- [snores]
- CONNIE, WAKE UP.
- AAH!
[glass shatters]
UGH!
SORRY.
WHAT'S GOING ON, STEVE?
- THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO SHOW YOU.
- STEVE, THAT'S SO SWEET,
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE.
I'M GAY.
OH, MY GOD.
IT FEELS SO GOOD
TO FINALLY SAY IT.
WHAT A BURDEN LIFTED.
- THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE.
IT'S THIS.
[as Connie]
LOOK AT ME. I'M CONNIE.
I'M DRIVING.
OOPS!
I HIT SOMETHING.
DUM DEE DUM DUM DUM DUM.
BANG!
SHOT MALLOY'S PARENTS.
I'M SO STUPID.
- OH, NO.
IT WAS ME.
I KILLED MALLOY'S PARENTS.
I NEED TO CONFESS TO HIM
RIGHT NOW!
- BUT THOSE ANIMALS
MIGHT KILL YOU.
- IT'S WHAT I DESERVE.
UNLESS THERE'S SOME OTHER PIECE
OF INFORMATION
THAT COULD CLEAR MY NAME
AND SAVE MY LIFE.
- HMM,
NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.
- [screams]
- WHAT HAVE I DONE?
THEY'RE GONNA KILL CONNIE.
- SCREW THAT FAT BITCH.
WHO CARES IF THEY KILL HER?
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HELLO?
IS ANYONE THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
JUST DO WHAT HE SAID.
[sighs]
- WHAT UP, MY BRETHREN?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WOULD HURT ME LIKE THIS.
- UH-OH.
SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE.
- I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- SO YOU DIDN'T SPEND ALL DAY
ON YOUR BOXED "X"
PLAYING QUEERS OF WHORE?
- I CAN HONESTLY SAY NO
TO THAT.
- AND TO THINK I OPENED
MY ANUS TO YOU.
- I'M SORRY, MOOSE NAZIR.
PLEASE, IT WILL NEVER
HAPPEN AGAIN.
- ATTENTION, ANIMALS.
I AM--
- A BLOATED, GINGER SHE-BEAST!
BUT ALSO COMPLETELY INNOCENT.
- THAT FIRST PART
WAS KIND OF MEAN.
- NO, CONNIE,
IT WAS HONESTY,
AND THAT'S
WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW.
MALLOY, I DID IT.
I KILLED YOUR PARENTS.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
YOU'RE DEAD, STEVE.
- GOOD.
REDEEM YOURSELF.
ALLOW YOUR ANIMAL INSTINCTS
TO TAKE CONTROL.
EAT HIS FACE OFF.
- [laughs]
I'M SORRY.
IT JUST SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID,
"EAT HIS FACE OFF."
- I DID.
- [laughs] I'M SORRY.
IT JUST SOUNDED
LIKE YOU SAID, "I DID."
WHAT? WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
THIS IS CRAZY.
DID YOU JUST NOD?
- DO IT!
- HEY, THIS MIGHT NOT BE
THE RIGHT TIME,
BUT ARE YOU
KHLOE KARDASHIAN?
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR AS UGLY
AS YOU ARE ON TELEVISION.
- AND THAT'S
THE WHOLE STORY, MALLOY.
- YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
THAT YOU TRIPPED,
SHOT TWO BEARS THROUGH THE HEAD
WITH ONE BULLET?
- I KNOW.
IMAGINE HOW SURPRISED
YOUR PARENTS WERE.
- COME ON, MALLOY BEAR.
DO IT.
SHOW US YOU
ARE A TRUE ANIMAL.
FOR ONCE YOU EAT HIS FACE,
YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK!
DO IT!
- MALLOY, I DESERVE
TO BE EATEN ALIVE.
HERE'S SOME ARBY'S
HORSEY SAUCE PACKETS
THAT I THINK WOULD GO GREAT
WITH MY FACE.
- DO IT NOW!
- UH, UH...
UH, AH, UH...
UGH, I CAN'T EAT HIS FACE.
YOU SURE
I SHOULD EAT HIM RAW?
CAN'T I GET SALMONELLA?
- PROOF YOU ARE A HUMAN LOVER!
- SO WHAT IF I AM?
I LIKE MY LIFE.
I BELONG WITH THE HUMANS.
AND IF THAT BOTHERS YOU,
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO KILL ALL OF US.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S KILL ALL OF THEM.
- OOH, I SUCK AT ULTIMATUMS.
LOOK! JOHNNY DEPP!
- WHERE?
WHERE IS JOHNNY DEPP?
♪
- CONNIE, DO SOMETHING!
- HERE.
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW?
- LET'S START WITH CONNIE
PUTTING A SHIRT BACK ON.
♪
- WHERE THE HELL DID
ALL THOSE STUPID ANIMALS GO?
HEY, I'M READY TO NEGOTIATE!
- HERE THEY ARE!
- WHERE? AAH! OW!
♪
- NOW, MY LITTLE FURRY FRIEND.
THIS IS HOW YOU EAT A FACE.
AH...
- STOP! I DIDN'T WANT IT
TO COME TO THIS,
BUT YOU'VE LEFT ME
WITH NO CHOICE.
ATTACK, MY CHILDREN!
[insects buzzing]
OW! AH!
NO, NO, THEM!
AAH! THEM!
ATTACK THEM!
[gunshot]
[bullet ricocheting]
- HA! YOU MISSED!
[ricochet]
- YOU HAD A GUN
THE WHOLE TIME?
♪
- WELL, I GOTTA SAY, ETHEL.
YOU DO PUT ON A BETTER EARTH DAY
CELEBRATION THAN ME.
- I HOPE WE ALL LEARNED
A VALUABLE LESSON--
THAT EVERYONE
NEEDS TO RESPECT NATURE
AND BE NICER TO ANIMALS.
- OR, WHEN YOU DO
KILL AN ANIMAL,
REPLACE IT WITH A ROBOT.
♪
[camera shutter snaps]
[men grunting]
- WELL, IT'S THAT DAY AGAIN,
MALLOY.
I WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY
FOR WHAT I DID.
- AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
STEVE.
AFTER ALL, IF YOU
DIDN'T KILL MY PARENTS,
I WOULDN'T BE WATCHING
BUMFIGHTS,
EATING THIS MICROWAVE
CORN DOG RIGHT NOW.
ANIMALS DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE MISSING.
- WELL, I GUESS I DID YOU
A FAVOR, HUH?
- SURE. AND AS A THANK YOU,
I GOT YOU A SURPRISE.
- MOM? DAD?
[gunshot]
- AND NOW WE'RE EVEN.
- [laughs]
[tapping keys,
bell dings]
♪