Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Woody's Girl - full transcript

After having a stroke, Woody decides to do yoga and joins a cult led by Astral. This leads Woody to the edge of Brickleberry cliff with the rest of Astral's cult followers.

- I, HENRIETTA VARNADOE,

HEREBY BEQUEATH
ALL OF MY WEALTHY

AND WORLDLY POSSESSIONS
TO DENZEL JACKSON.

- JACKPOT!

DON'T WORRY.
I PROMISE NOT TO SPEND

YOUR DEAD MAMA'S FORTUNE
ON ANYTHING FRIVOLOUS.

WHOO!
JET PACK, MOTHER[bleep]!



- [winces and screams]

- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY

- WHOO!



- I LOVE YOU, WOODY.
- [chuckles]

LOVE YOU TOO, MALLOY.

I'LL BET YOU'LL BE SWEET
FOREVER.

AI! AH! AH! AH!

WILL YOU STOP
SHOOTIN' AT ME?

- OH, YOU ARE SO OLD
AND CRANKY.

- RANGERS,
TIME FOR MORNING INSPECTION--

WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED HERE?

- I ORGANIZED YOUR DESK
FOR YOU.

- WHAT?
WHERE'S MY EXPENSE REPORTS

AND THE ENVELOPE
FULL OF PETTY CASH?

- IT'S IN THE PAPER SHREDDER.

YOU HAVE TO LET GO
OF THE CLUTTER.

- OH, GOD DAMN IT, ETHEL.



YOU SHREDDED A PICTURE
OF MY DEAD MOTHER?

- CLUTTER.
- I WAS SUPPOSED TO SHRED THAT.

IT'S CALLED "CLOSURE"!

- [panting]
SORRY--SORRY I'M LATE, WOODY.

- JESUS, WILLIAMS,
YOU ARE A SLOB!

YOU LOOK LIKE A TURD
IN A TIE.

AND WHAT IS THAT STAIN
ON YOUR GODDAMN UNIFORM?

- IT'S, UH--
IT'S LASAGNA.

WAIT.
NO, BIRD SHIT.

[car crashing]

- WOODY, I HAD
A LITTLE ACCIDENT.

- CUNAMAN, YOU WRECKED
YOUR PATROL CAR AGAIN?

WHAT IS THIS,
THE FOURTH TIME THIS MONTH?

- IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
YOU KNOW I HAVE THAT BLIND SPOT.

- THAT'S YOUR NECK.

- WOODY,
ALL THIS SCREAMING AND YELLING

IS NOT GOOD FOR MORALE.

- OOH, LITTLE MISS O.C.D.
THINKS SHE CAN DO MY JOB!

- I COULD DEFINITELY
DO IT.

- YEAH, WELL, THIS JOB'S NOT
AS EASY AS YOU ARE, PRINCESS.

- JEEZ, YOU'RE BEING
A REAL DICK TODAY.

- YOU WANNA SEE
A REAL DICK?

- [blows whistle]
- WILL YOU STOP

BLOWING THAT
[bleep] RAPE WHISTLE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
YOU RANGERS ARE A DISGRACE

TO THOSE NATIONAL
PARK SERVICE-ISSUED UNIFORMS!

- WOODY, YOU'RE STRESSED.

I MEAN, ISN'T MALLOY
SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR THERAPY PET?

WHY DON'T YOU GO
SNUGGLE WITH HIM OR SOMETHING?

- HE ONLY GETS THAT
ON HIS BIRTHDAY,

AND I DON'T KNOW OR GIVE A SHIT
WHEN HIS BIRTHDAY IS.

- YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL
DRIVING ME NUTS!

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE
OF YOU IS WORSE!

- WELL, I'M BETTER THAN CONNIE.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.

STEVE, YOU'RE
WAY WORSE THAN ME.

- WELL, I'M BETTER
THAN ALL OF YOU.

- REALLY? OH, REALLY?
- STEVE, YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

[overlapping dialogue]

- SHUT UP, SHUT UP.
SHUT UP! ENOUGH!

YOU'RE ALL NO-GOOD, WORTHLESS,
SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, LAZY--

HEY, SPEAKING OF LAZY,
WHERE THE HELL IS DENZEL?

WHAT IS THAT GODDAMN THING?

- WHAT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU

OVER THIS BADASS JET PACK.

- GET IT OUTTA HERE!

- OH, OKAY.

- OW!

- MY ROOF!
MY GODDAMN ROOF!

WHO'S GONNA PAY
FOR ALL THIS SHIT?

I SWEAR TO GOD,
YOU GUYS'LL BE THE DEATH--

[gasps]

- AND WOODY HAD A STROKE.

- [groans]
UH, WHAT HAPPENED?

- WOODY,
YOU HAD A MINI-STROKE.

A MINI-STROKE IS LIKE
A REGULAR STROKE, BUT FUN-SIZED.

- FUN-SIZED?

- WHOA, LET'S NOT
MAKE LIGHT HERE, WOODY.

THIS IS SERIOUS.

YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE
IS THE HIGHEST I'VE EVER SEEN.

LET ME JUST DRAW SOME BLOOD.

MM.
OH, DEAR.

YOU KNOW THIS BRINGS BACK
MEMORIES OF THAT BUKKAKE FILM

I DID TO PAY
FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL.

WOODY, YOU MUST CUT OUT
EVERY BIT OF STRESS IN YOUR LIFE

OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE,
PROBABLY TODAY.

- DIE?
WHAT CAN I DO, DOC?

- WELL, DO YOU OWN
A THERAPY PET?

- YEAH, BUT HE WON'T
LET ME PET HIM.

- WELL, THEN, WOODY, I'M AFRAID
YOUR ONLY OPTION IS SUICIDE.

- SUICIDE?
- [laughs] NO.

"SOOTHE-INSIDE."

IT'S A MEDITATION CLASS
THEY OFFER AT THE CLINIC.

- DO YOU THINK
I'M SOME KIND OF NEW AGE FAIRY

THAT'S GONNA SIT AROUND
IN INDIAN GARB

AND CHANT, "OM, OM"?

I WOULD RATHER--
[gasps]

- OH, DARN,
ANOTHER MINI-STROKE.

WOODY, I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND
IF I GET A FEW UP-SKIRT SHOTS

FOR MY PRIVATE COLLECTION.

SAY, "CHEESE."

all: OM.
- MY GOD, THIS IS GAY.

- HELLO, TRAVELERS.
I'M ASTRAL, YOUR NEW INSTRUCTOR.

- [chuckles]
HEY, BUDDY, I'D LIKE

TO POSITION MYSELF IN HER LOTUS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- OKAY, EVERYONE,
CLOSE YOUR EYES,

INHALE A LONG, DEEP BREATH,

AND IMAGINE A CALM,
SERENE SCENE.



- OH!
- UP YOURS, CRACKER!

[all complaining at once]

- NOOO!

- WOODY, CALM DOWN.
HERE, PET ME.

I'M KIDDING.
ATTACK!

[all grunting]

- I AM GONNA CHOKE THE LIFE
OUTTA ALL OF YOU'S!

CAN'T BITCH
IF YOU CAN'T BREATHE!

- [groans]

- OOPSIE.
- WOODY,

I HAVE NEVER SEEN
SUCH A DISPLAY OF RAW PASSION.

I SUGGEST
A PRIVATE SESSION.

I CAN HELP YOU CHANNEL
THAT RAGE AND FIND INNER PEACE.

- OKAY,
IF IT'LL HELP ME RELAX.

- OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

- IT WAS A BLACK GUY.
I THINK HE HAD A JET PACK.

- WOODY, I WAS DRIVING
AND EATING LASAGNA,

AND CONNIE
CRASHED INTO ME

AND MADE ME SPILL IT
ALL OVER MYSELF.

- BUT STEVE RAMMED ME.

- A MAN RAMMED CONNIE?
WHAT IS THIS, BULLSHIT DAY?

- I DIDN'T RAM HER!
- YES, YOU DID, YOU LIAR.

[both grunting]

- ENOUGH!
BREAK IT UP, YOU TWO.

- IT IS A BEAUTIFUL MORNING,
ISN'T IT, RANGERS?

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA
YELL AT US?

- NO, MY CHILD.
MY ANGER HAS FLOWN.

- IT'S TRUE, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO PISS HIM OFF ALL MORNING.

- CUT IT OUT, DENZEL.
THAT THING'S DANGEROUS.

- NAH, GETTIN' BETWEEN YOU

AND A BAG OF CHEETOS
IS DANGEROUS.

THIS IS FUN.

- ATTENTION, MY FRIENDS.

I'D LIKE EVERYONE
TO MEET THE WOMAN

WHO SAVED MY LIFE,

MY HARBINGER OF LOVE, PEACE,
AND INNER HEALING.

SAY HELLO TO THE NEW LOVE
OF MY LIFE.

- NEW LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?

HOPE YOU LET THAT RUBBER FIST
DOWN EASY.

- HELLO, SWEET SPIRITS.
MY NAME IS ASTRAL.

- OF COURSE IT IS.

- I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

I AM TAKING A VOLUNTARY
LEAVE OF ABSENCE,

AND I AM PASSING ON
MY EXECUTIVE DUTIES TO ETHEL.

- ETHEL?

WOODY, I AM
MORE THAN CAPABLE OF--

- GREAT CHOICE, WOODY.

THE PARK WILL BE
SO MUCH MORE EFFICIENT,

AND I WON'T
MINI-STROKE OUT

BECAUSE I CAN ACTUALLY DEAL
WITH THE PRESSURES OF THE JOB.

- WHAT?
I CAN DEAL WITH IT!

I CAN DEAL WITH ANYTHING, YOU--
[bowl humming]

- MIND YOUR CHAKRAS,
WOODY.

DON'T STRAY
FROM YOUR COSMIC PATHWAY.

[bowl humming]

- AHH, THIS IS THE MOST
RELAXING POOP I HAVE EVER TAKEN.

[video game gunshots]

ANY CHANCE YOU COULD DO THAT
SOMEWHERE ELSE?

- ASTRAL SAYS THIS SPOT
HAS THE BEST ENERGY.

- MALLOY, I'M HOPING
THAT WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

- [bleep] OFF, WEIRDO.

- MALLOY!
- SORRY.

PLEASE [bleep] OFF, WEIRDO.

- [giggles]

I REALLY LIKE YOU, MALLOY,

AND AS A GESTURE
OF OUR NEW FRIENDSHIP,

I PAINTED THIS FOR YOU.

- THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
TOOK A SHIT ON A CANVAS.

- BINGO, MALLOY.
YOU GOT A GOOD EYE.

BUT THIS SCAT ART ISN'T THE ONLY
NEW ADDITION TO OUR HOME.

ASTRAL'S MOVING IN WITH US.
- WHAT?

- DON'T WORRY, YOU WON'T EVEN
NOTICE SHE'S HERE.

[both grunting and moaning]
OH, BOY!

[both grunting and moaning]

[both yelling]

WHOO!
ISN'T...SHE...GREAT?

[panting]
GUESS WHAT.

SHE'S A SQUIRTER.

IT'S LIKE GOING DOWN
ON A FIRE HYDRANT IN HARLEM.

SHE COULD BREAK UP A RIOT
WITH THAT THING.

SEE YOU LATER, SQUIRT.
[laughs]

[door opening and closing]

[both grunting and moaning]

[both yelling]

[bowl humming]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IS THE CHUBBY CHASE OVER?

- WOODY IS ASLEEP.

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I'M PART OF HIS LIFE NOW.

WE ARE SOUL MATES
AND YOU SHOULD ACCEPT THAT.

- OH, YOU THINK
YOU'RE HIS FIRST GIRLFRIEND.

THAT'S CUTE.
SEE, HE'S HAD MANY,

BUT IT ALWAYS ENDS
THE SAME WAY.

- MALLOY, ISN'T THIS A NICE MEAL
THAT JOLENE MADE?

- [whimpers]

- MWAH.
SEE YOU LATER, HONEY.

- [screams]

- WHERE DID SHE TOUCH YOU?
POINT IT OUT ON THE DOLL!

- RIGHT THERE.
[whistles]

A LOT.

AND YOU'LL BE HISTORY
SOON TOO, ASSHOLE.

THAT IS HOW YOU PRONOUNCE
YOUR NAME RIGHT? "ASSHOLE."

- WELL, I'M NOT LIKE
THE OTHERS.

YOU WON'T GET RID OF ME
SO EASILY.

- [chuckling]
AND WHY IS THAT?

- DESTINY BROUGHT
WOODY AND I TOGETHER!

NOBODY'S GONNA GET IN THE WAY
OF OUR LOVE,

AND IF YOU TRY,
I WILL [bleep] KILL YOU!

[grunts]
- AH!

- WELL, I'M GLAD
WE HAD THIS TALK.

- I'LL SHOW
THAT PSYCHO BITCH.

- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

- [clenched teeth]
I SAID I LOVE YOU, MOM.

- OOH, BEAUTIFUL,
STRESS-FREE DAY.

I'M STARVING.

MUST HAVE BEEN FROM BURNING
ALL THOSE CALORIES LAST NIGHT.

[laughs]

- OH, GOOD MORNING, MALLOY.

- HEY, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR EYE?

- YOUR GIRLFRIEND HIT--

THE NAIL ON THE HEAD
WHEN SHE TOLD ME

I SHOULDN'T PUNCH MYSELF
IN THE EYE.

- WELL, MY LITTLE HONEY POT
GIVES GOOD ADVICE.

[bell dings]
- OH, EGGS ARE DONE.

- WOODY, YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A--
- SQUIRTER?

DON'T I KNOW IT.

IT'S LIKE LICKING
MOBY DICK'S BLOWHOLE.

- YES, YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
A SQUIRTER.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS
TRYING TO SAY.

NO, SHE'S INSANE.
SHE THREATENED TO KILL ME.

- INSANE?
- SHUT UP.

- [chuckles]
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU WANT YOUR DADDY
ALL TO YOURSELF.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M DOING.

SHE TOLD ME SHE'S GONNA
COME INTO MY ROOM

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--

AND TUCK ME IN,
LIKE A REAL MOM.

- WOW, MISTER.
THAT IS SO COOL!

- OH, YOU THINK THAT'S COOL?
CHECK THIS OUT.

[geese honking]
WHOA--HO--WHOA--AH!

OH!

WHOA--AH!
AH!

WHOO!
I-I TOLD YOU IT WAS COOL.

- PRE-SCHOOL FIELD TRIP,
AND NOT A SINGLE FATALITY?

OH, HOW REFRESHING.
JUST DOING MY JOB.

HEAD RANGER ETHEL,
OVER AND OUT.

[sighs]
GOOD JOB, ETHEL.

OH, THANK YOU, ETHEL.

- CONNIE, I NEED YOUR HELP.

WOODY'S GIRLFRIEND
IS BAT-SHIT CRAZY.

- SHE SEEMED NICE TO ME.
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

- YEAH,
AND MAYBE YOU'RE JUST--

UGH, I DON'T EVEN HAVE
THE ENERGY TO INSULT YOU.

JUST STEP ON A SCALE.
- HEY!

WHERE'S ALL THE DANISH?
IT'S BEAR CLAW WEDNESDAY!

- NOW IT'S FRESH FRUIT
WEDNESDAY.

- [spits] UGH!

THIS DOESN'T TASTE
ANYTHING LIKE A DONUT!

I HATE IT!

[grunts]

- HEY, I DIDN'T GET
TO EAT YET!

UH, BUT IT'S OKAY.

MY MOTTO IS
"EFFICIENCY THROUGH POSITIVITY."

BY WORKING TOGETHER,
WE CAN ACHIEVE GREATNESS.

[phone ringing]

SORRY,
PROBABLY REALLY IMPORTANT.

BRICKLEBERRY NATIONAL PARK.
HEAD RANGER ETHEL SPEAKING.

THE PARK EXPENSE REPORTS
ARE LATE?

WE HAVE THOSE?
I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT.

[beep]
SORRY, CAN YOU HOLD?

HELLO,
HEAD RANGER ETH--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THE LAKE'S ON FIRE?

[phone ringing]
OH, MY GOD, HOLD ON.

- ETHEL, I CAN'T COME
TO WORK TODAY, I'M SICK.

- DENZEL, I NEED YOU HERE.
HEY, ARE YOU ON YOUR JET PACK?

[phone ringing]
- NO.

- HEY, LOOK,
IT'S A FLYING BLACK GUY!

- MAYBE.
[phones ringing]

- CALM DOWN.
A BADGER ATE YOUR BABY'S FACE?

[beeping and ringing]
HOLD ON.

MY EMERGENCY SCANNER'S
GOING OFF!

THIS IS ETHEL!
WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

- ETHEL, IT'S STEVE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT CONNIE
IS AFRAID OF RAW FISH?

- WHAT?

- [screaming]

I DON'T WANT TO SAY,
"I TOLD YOU SO."

- GREAT,
THEN DON'T SAY IT,

'CAUSE THIS JET PACK
IS STILL AWESOME.

OH, SHIT!

- [screams]

[siren blaring]

- STILL AWESOME.

- DENZEL!
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?

- DAMN, ETHEL.
WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING POSITIVE?

- I'M POSITIVE YOU'RE A--
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, POSITIVITY.

- MAYBE YOU CAN'T
HANDLE THIS, ETHEL.

- MAYBE I CAN'T
HANDLE THIS?

RUNNING THIS PARK
IS A PIECE OF CAKE!

[gasps] OH, NO!

I BROUGHT UP CAKE
IN FRONT OF THE BABY ELEPHANT!

RUN!

- [sobs]

- WAIT, CONNIE,
I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

OH, GOD.
NOT STEVE.

[tires screeching]

[shudders]
OH, GOD, YOU HAD ME WORRIED.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO
SOMETHING STUPID.

- SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU,
"BOSS."

I DON'T THINK A STUPID PERSON
SAVES TOURISTS

OR RESCUES RABID WOLVES.

[wolves growl]
- THE WOLVES! AH!

OH, MY GOD!

- MALLOY, WHY ARE YOU
FOLLOWING ME AROUND?

- BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO BE ALONE

WITH YOUR
INSANE GIRLFRIEND.

- YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP
ACTING WEIRD, MALLOY.

WE'RE HAVING A DINNER PARTY.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
DADDY'S

GONNA MEET
ALL OF MOMMY'S FRIENDS.

all: O QUA TANGIN WA.

O QUA TANGIN WA.

- AND SHE'S IN A CULT.

- [speaking in tongues]

- OH, COME ON, MALLOY,
IT'S NOT A CULT.

IT'S JUST ASTRAL'S
CHURCH FRIENDS.

THEY'RE JUST
A LITTLE QUIRKY.

- PRAISE LORD TARGISSIAN,
GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.

MAY HE FILL OUR VESSELS
WITH HIS ALIEN SEED.

- HEY, IT MAKES MORE SENSE
THAN CATHOLICISM.

- TOURISM NUMBERS, PARK BUDGET,
SAFETY INSPECTION,

JET PACK, CONNIE'S NECK,
STEVE'S FAT FACE,

STEVE, STEVE...

STEVE, YOU STUPID
SON OF A BITCH!

[drums beating]

- DO YOU SWEAR LOYALTY
TO LORD TARGISSIAN?

- HEY, BETTER HIM
THAN OBAMA.

- WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON?

- OH, MALLOY, GOOD.
YOU GOT THE E-VITE.

GUESS WHAT?

THEY'RE MAKING ME
A FULL MEMBER OF THE CHURCH.

- NOW, WOODY,
THERE'S ONE LAST STEP:

YOUR SACRIFICIAL OFFERING.

- HEY, MALLOY, COULD YOU
GRAB MY CHECKBOOK?

- NOW YOU'RE GIVING THEM MONEY?

- OH,, DON'T ACT LIKE
ALL CHURCHES DON'T HAVE

A ONE-TIME MEMBERSHIP FEE
OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS.

- HEY, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?

- STEALING ME
SOME JET FUEL.

THEY DON'T SELL THIS SHIT
AT THE EXXON STATION.

- YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

- UH, OKAY.
I'LL COME WITH YOU QUIETLY.

PSYCH!

- HEY!
WE GOT A FUEL THIEF!

GO, GO, GO!
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

- [screaming]



OH!
OH, SHIT! OH, SHIT!



[empty gun clicking]



WHEW, I LOST 'EM.
GOOD THING I--

- LISTEN TO ME.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.

I'M A BEAR.

GOD DAMN IT!
OW--WHO DOES THAT?

WHY DON'T YOU
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE?

- OKAY.
- HUH.

THAT WAS EASY.
WAIT, WHAT'S THE CATCH?

- NO CATCH.
TONIGHT, WOODY AND I

ARE JUMPING
OFF BRICKLEBERRY CLIFF

AND TRAVELING
TO A NEW WORLD.

- COULD YOU HOLD ON ONE SECOND,
YOU CRAZY BITCH?

IT TURNS OUT YOUR LITTLE
FUN CLUB'S A SUICIDE CULT.

DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE GONNA
JUMP OFF A CLIFF TONIGHT?

- NONSENSE, TONIGHT IS JUST
THE SECRET CHURCH FIELD TRIP.

- DO NOT GO ANYWHERE
WITH THAT MANIAC.

SHE HAS YOU BRAINWASHED.

- OH, NO,
NOT THIS TIME, MALLOY.

YOU HAVE RUN OFF
EVERY GIRLFRIEND I'VE EVER HAD.

WHY CAN'T YOU
LET ME BE HAPPY?

- IS THIS ABOUT THE PETTING?
FINE, YOU CAN PET ME.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP
WITH HER.

- I DON'T WANT
YOUR PITY PET!

- LOOK, WOODY,
YOU HAVE GOTTA BELIEVE ME.

- YOU'RE A LIAR!
ASTRAL'S RIGHT.

YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT ME!

- YOU KNOW WHAT, WOODY?
I'M DONE WITH YOU! IT'S OVER!

I HOPE YOU DO KILL YOURSELF,
YOU IGNORANT, GULLIBLE ASS--

[gasps]

- AW, THAT'S THE CUTEST STROKE
I'VE EVER SEEN.

- WOODY--ETHEL,
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

- I BEEN STRESS EATING.

AND LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A BUCKET OF HOG SHIT!

- SORRY.
YOU HAVEN'T CALLED

THE MAINTENANCE GUY
TO REPAIR THE WASHING MACHINES.

- I'LL GET TO IT.
CONNIE, TUCK IN THAT CAMEL TOE

BEFORE A PLANE
TRIES TO LAND ON IT.

- SORRY.

- UGH! DENZEL!

WHAT THE HELL
IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

ARE YOU DRUNK AGAIN?

YOU DRINKIN' THE 40s

AND STEALIN'
OUR WHITE WOMEN?

- KISS MY ASS, ETHEL.
I'M GETTING MY EARTH LEGS BACK.

- WHERE'S YOUR JET PACK?
- I SOLD THAT SHIT ON EBAY.

I TRIED TO TELL YOU
IT WAS NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

- NO, I TRIED TO TELL YOU
AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN...

[all arguing at once]

- SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!

GOD DAMN IT!

[gasps]
OH...MY...GOD!

WOODY WAS RIGHT,
I CAN'T DO THIS JOB.

I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH
HE HAD TO DEAL WITH.

WE GOTTA GET HIM BACK.

MALLOY.
- YES, CONNIE?

- WHERE THE HELL
IS WOODY?

WE NEED HIM
TO TAKE HIS JOB BACK.

- HE'S GONNA JUMP TO HIS DEATH
OFF BRICKLEBERRY CLIFF

WITH HIS PSYCHO
SQUIRTER GIRLFRIEND.

TRIED TO TELL YA.

- WE GOTTA GET
OVER THERE FAST!

- OKAY, I'LL DRIVE.

all: NO!

- SO MALLOY WAS RIGHT?
WE'RE KILLING OURSELVES?

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS.

- NONSENSE.
IT IS MERELY A LEAP OF FAITH.

A BIIAVIAN MOTHER SHIP
WILL ARRIVE

AND TAKE US
TO OUR COSMIC PARADISE.

WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER,
LIVING IN BLISS

WITH ANYTHING
YOU COULD EVER DESIRE.

- JUMBO SHRIMP?
- ALL YOU CAN EAT.

- [bleep] IT,
LET'S JUMP.

OH, MAN, IT'S ALMOST TIME.
WE'RE RUNNING LATE.

WE CAN'T LET ANYTHING
STOP US.

[tires screeching]

RIGHT AFTER I GET ME
SOME DRIVING LASAGNA.

all: O QUA TANGIN WA.

- [breathing excitedly]
IT IS ALMOST TIME, MY SOUL MATE.

- MM-HMM, WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
all: MMM, MMM.

- MMM,
YOU'RE RIGHT, STEVE.

"DRIVING LASAGNA"
DOES TASTE BETTER.

- OKAY.

WE'VE STILL GOT TIME
IF WE HURRY.

- WAIT, IS THAT A HITCHHIKER?

[tires screeching]

- WELL, THAT WAS THE LAST
OF THE DISCIPLES.

- I GUESS WE'RE NEXT?
- YES.

- EYES ON THE PRIZE, WOODY.

JUMBO SHRIMP, JUMBO SHRIMP,
JUMBO SHRIMP.

- LEFT HERE.
NO--NO, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE TURNING RIGHT!

- MY LEFT OR YOUR LEFT?

- MAN, WE GOTTA HURRY UP
AND SAVE WOODY.

OH, SNAP!
IS THAT A TWO-FOR-ONE PUTT-PUTT?

- YES!

[tires screeching]
WAIT!

WE CAME
AS QUICK AS WE COULD.

- DON'T DO IT, WOODY!
THE PARK NEEDS YOU.

- WAIT, WHERE'S MALLOY?

- HE, UH--
HE DIDN'T COME.

- WOW.
[sniffs]

I GUESS HE REALLY
DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.

[sniffs]
- BUT I DO.

I'VE LOVED YOU SINCE
THE FIRST MOMENT I SAW YOU.

- [grunts]

- NOOO!
- WOODY!

- OH, SO HE'S "MALLOY,
THE TALKING BEAR 12" ON EBAY.

- WELL, YOU SAVED ME.

YOU SAVED MY LIFE, MALLOY.

I KNEW YOU CARED ABOUT ME!

- SHUT UP BEFORE I DROP YOU.

- WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU,
LITTLE BUDDY.

AND ALL YOU RANGERS,

THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS
BEING THERE FOR ME.

I--
[eerie humming]



THE SHIP!
IT'S REAL!

I COULD'VE BEEN
ON THAT SHIP!

THEY'RE PARTYING ON THERE!

WAIT, IS THAT ASTRAL?

IS--IS SHE BLOWING THAT GUY?

AND HE'S EATING
JUMBO SHRIMP?

JUMBO SHRIMP!
THEY GOT JUMBO SHRIMP!

DAMN IT!
WAIT! COME BACK!

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU,
MALLOY!

AS LONG AS I--
[gasps]