Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Comeback - full transcript
The rangers discover Woody's past life as a porn star. Malloy works to resurrect his career. Steve brings Denzel up to speed on the Brickleberry ghost.
- YOU KNOW
WHAT I JUST NOTICED?
CONNIE'S KNEES
LOOK MORE LIKE BALLS
THAN MY BALLS
LOOK LIKE BALLS.
- OH, MY GOD, THEY DO.
- MAN, I'M STARVING.
BEING THE BEST
PARK RANGER ON EARTH
CAN REALLY WORK UP
AN APPETITE.
OH, NO!
MY LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD!
IT'S GONE!
- STEVE, IF I'DA KNOWN,
I NEVER WOULD HAVE--
- AND LOOK AT THAT!
SOMEONE DREW A MUSTACHE
ON MY RANGER OF THE MONTH
PICTURE!
DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?
THERE'S ONLY ONE EXPLANATION!
IT'S THE GHOST!
- YEAH, UH, A GHOST
ATE YOUR CHINESE FOOD.
- AND DREW A MUSTACHE
ON YOUR PICTURE.
- AND, UH, GOT DRUNK AND TOOK
A SHIT ON YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.
UH, I MEAN,
UH, WHAT GHOST?
- I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT
THE GHOST THAT RUINED
MY CHILDHOOD?
IT ALL STARTED 25 YEARS AGO.
I GOT UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING,
AND THERE WERE NO PRESENTS.
MY DAD SAID
THE GHOST STOLE THEM.
THEN THE GHOST GAMBLED AWAY
MY COLLEGE FUND,
BACKED OVER MY DOG,
AND GAVE MY MOM TWO BLACK EYES
ON HER BIRTHDAY.
- THE GHOST
DID ALL THAT, HUH?
- YEAH,
AND NOW HE'S BACK.
BUT THIS TIME,
I'M GONNA GET MY REVENGE
AND KILL THAT DEAD
SON OF A BITCH!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ANOTHER WORD
ABOUT THAT GHOST!
- WOODY USED TO BE
A '70s PORN STAR
NAMED REX ERECTION.
- TELL ME MORE ABOUT
THAT GHOST, STEVE.
♪
- AH-AH-AAH!
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
THIS PORN SITE
WHAT? I LIKE FULL BUSH.
I'M A BEAR.
ANYWAY, I FOUND THIS.
♪
[doorbell rings]
- JUST A MINUTE.
- TRICK OR TREAT.
- AND WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE?
- I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
[bleep] YOU.
[grunts]
- [moaning]
- THAT'S WOODY?
- CAN'T BE!
- IF I WASN'T GAY,
I AM NOW.
- EW! THERE'S NO WAY
THAT'S HIM.
- OKAY, BABY, IT'S TIME
TO BUST ASS!
OKAY, RANGERS,
IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- WELL, THAT DRIED ME UP.
- WOODY, WHAT'D YOU
DO FOR A LIVING
BEFORE YOU WORKED
AT BRICKLEBERRY?
- OH, I HAD MY FINGERS
IN THIS AND THAT.
- BY THIS AND THAT,
I'M ASSUMING YOU MEANT
VAGINAS AND BUTTHOLES?
- [moans softly]
WELL, I KNEW
THIS DAY WOULD COME.
BACK IN THE '70s,
I MADE A LIVING
AS A PORNOGRAPHIC ACTOR
NAMED REX ERECTION.
- WOODY JOHNSON WASN'T A GOOD
ENOUGH PORN NAME FOR YOU?
- HUH?
I DON'T GET IT.
ANYHOW, PORN WAS JUST
ONE OF THOSE JOBS
YOU STUMBLE INTO
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG
AND NEW TO THE BIG CITY,
AND YOU'VE GOT
A DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE
FOR A DICK!
[laughs]
- YEAH, WE NOTICED.
♪
- OH, NO! IT'S MY HUSBAND
AND HIS BROTHER!
THEY JUST FINISHED
PLAYING 18 HOLES.
- I GOT TWO MORE HOLES
YOU GUYS CAN PLAY.
[grunts]
- GAY PORN TOO?
SO YOU'RE GAY?
- EW! HELL NO!
I DIDN'T ENJOY IT!
IT'S CALLED ACTING.
- BUT THERE'S ONE
UNANSWERED QUESTION.
WHY WERE THOSE TWO MEN
PLAYING GOLF
AT NIGHT ON HALLOWEEN?
- CONNIE, I OUGHT
TO WHUP YOUR ASS.
WOODY, WHY'D YOU QUIT?
- QUIT? NO.
IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.
I WAS
A PORNOGRAPHIC PIONEER.
THE WORLD WAS AT MY FEET.
I EVEN INVENTED
MY OWN SIGNATURE MOVE--
THE REX ROCKET!
[grunts]
- OH, MY GOD!
THAT WAS AMAZING!
- I HAD LEGIONS OF FANS
WHO ADORED ME.
- COULD YOU MAKE IT OUT
TO DUKE?
YOU'RE MY HERO, REX.
I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU
WHEN I GROW UP.
- WHAT ARE YOU, SEVEN?
- I'M ONLY SIX.
- SIX INCHES?
NOT ENOUGH CABLE, SON.
YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
IN PORN.
STAY IN SCHOOL.
- OHH.
- OH, I WAS ON TOP
OF THE WORLD,
BUT I FLEW TOO CLOSE
TO THE SUN.
[snorts]
I BURNED OUT.
COULDN'T DO WHAT I, UH,
NEEDED TO DO.
OH, BOY.
I'M--I'M REALLY EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THIS, FOLKS.
WELL, ONE MINUTE.
OH, BROTHER.
I'M THINKING OF EVERYTHING.
SORRY, GUYS.
I KNOW THIS SEEMS
UNPROFESSIONAL,
BUT MAYBE YOU GUYS
CAN HIT CRAFT SERVICE.
OH, OH,
STARTING TO GET A TINGLE.
NO! SHIT! IT'S GONE!
COME ON, COME ON!
MY PRESENCE IN PORN FILMS
WAS REDUCED TO NON-SEXUAL
CHARACTER ROLES,
LIKE THE POOL BOY'S BOSS
AND ONE OF THE STUDENTS
NOT KEPT AFTER CLASS.
IT FLUNG ME INTO
A DEEP DEPRESSION.
[crying]
[lid pops]
[crying]
[snorts]
HUH?
WHAT ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE
DOING IN MY BATHROOM?
[thud]
FORTUNATELY, UNCLE SAM
STRAIGHTENED ME OUT.
THEN I TOOK THIS JOB
AT BRICKLEBERRY
AND FOUND MY TRUE CALLING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHERE THE HELL
IS EVERYBODY?
YOU SEE, MALLOY,
WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER,
OR THEY'RE BEING PAID
AND THERE'S A CAMERA THERE,
THEY HAVE WHAT ARE CALLED...
[spits]
RELATIONS.
SOMETIMES THAT WOMAN
CAN BE A MAN
OR A GANG OF MEN
OR A SHETLAND PONY.
YOU FOLLOWING ME?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU HAD SEX WITH A HORSE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME
YOU WERE IN PORN?
I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED
OF GETTING INTO PORN.
- YOU WANT TO BE
A PORN ACTOR?
- HELL NO,
THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
I WANT TO DIRECT,
LIKE THE GREAT STORYTELLERS
FROM THE GOLDEN AGE OF PORN,
BACK WHEN THERE WAS AN ART
TO EXPLOITING PEOPLE
AND RUINING THEIR LIVES.
HEY, THAT REMINDS ME.
PORN CON IS THIS WEEK.
WE HAVE TO GO.
YOU ARE A GOD TO TONS OF SAD,
LONELY, PATHETIC PEOPLE.
- OH, SORRY, FUZZYWUBS.
I HAVE MADE
MY PEACE WITH PORN,
AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK
TO THAT DARK PLACE.
- WHAT ABOUT FOR 100 BUCKS
AN AUTOGRAPH?
- HELLO, DARK PLACE!
- HEY--HEY, GUYS!
- BREAK'S OVER.
- WAIT! IT'S HERE!
- WHAT'S HERE?
- MY GHOST-HUNTING EQUIPMENT!
- MAN, THAT'S JUST A BAT!
- NO, IT'S A GHOST BAT.
YOU CAN'T HIT A GHOST
WITH A REGULAR BAT.
IT'D GO RIGHT THROUGH THEM.
GHOST TAPE RECORDER,
GHOST GLASSES, GHOST-A-METER.
- THAT'S A RECTAL THERMOMETER
DUCT-TAPED TO A TENNIS RACQUET.
STEVE, HOW MUCH DID YOU
SPEND ON ALL THIS CRAP?
- $800.
- WHAT?
- SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR REVENGE, AM I RIGHT?
- YEAH, UH,
STEVE, THAT REMINDS ME.
I HAVE THIS GHOST MOP
I WANT TO SELL YOU.
- NO, THANKS.
ALREADY HAVE ONE.
- WELL, THIS SUCKS,
MALLOY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE
WANTS TO MEET ME.
THERE'S EVEN A LINE
TO SEE THE FATTIES
FROM
FILIPINO FOOT FETISH 5!
♪
[camera shutter clicking]
- THAT WAS A SURPRISINGLY
SOLID FILM, DESPITE THE FACT
THAT YOU DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS A PREQUEL TILL THE END.
- I'M A JOKE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
TALKED ME INTO COMING HERE.
MY LEGACY IS DEAD.
- CHEER UP, WOODY.
THESE PORN NERDS
ARE JUST CHEAP.
AUTOGRAPHS NOW
ONLY $10.
$1.00 AUTOGRAPHS.
[thud]
OKAY, NO ONE LOVES YOU.
- JESUS DOES!
- NOT AFTER HE SAW
THE REXERECTION IV:
EASTER [bleep]DAY.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT IS MY PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE THE BIGGEST
PORN STAR IN THE WORLD,
THE GOD OF ROD,
THE MASTER ASS BLASTER,
THE SHOO-IN FOR THIS YEAR'S
BONEY AWARD,
DUKE DICK!
[cheers and applause]
- HEY, THOSE ARE MY MOVES!
THAT'S MY NAVAJO CHAP SLAP
AND MY INVERTED CLAM!
[gasps]
AND THAT'S MY MR. BELVEDERE!
- YO! DUKE DICK
IN THE HIT ZONE!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
- IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- AND THAT'S
MY CATCHPHRASE!
- NOW, WHO WANTS TO SEE DUKE
DO HIS FAMOUS MOVE?
THE DUKE ROCKET!
[cheers and applause]
- STOP RIGHT THERE!
- SOMEONE GET
THIS QUEEN OFFSTAGE
BEFORE THE DUKE
GETS FILLED WITH RAGE!
- YOU STOLE ALL OF MY MOVES,
ASSHOLE!
- ASSHOLE? MY ASSHOLE HAS WON
FIVE BONEY AWARDS!
SHOW SOME RESPECT, SON!
- OH, I AIN'T YOUR SON,
HOMBRE.
I'M REX [bleep] ERECTION!
- REX ERECTION
WAS MY HERO
UNTIL HE TOLD ME
I'D NEVER MAKE IT.
- WHAT THE--
"DEAR DUKE,
YOU GOT A SMALL TOOL.
STAY IN SCHOOL.
REX."
- WELL, I SHOWED YOU.
NOW I'M ON TOP, AND YOU'RE
ALL WASHED UP, OLD MAN.
- NOT FOR LONG, 'CAUSE YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SKYPE WITH YOUR GRANDKIDS?
- NO, I'M GONNA
COME OUT OF RETIREMENT,
I'M GONNA MAKE MY OWN MOVIE,
I'M GONNA WIN THAT BONEY,
AND THEN I'M GONNA SHOVE IT UP
YOUR AWARD-WINNING ASSHOLE!
- YEAH, RIGHT.
WHAT DIRECTOR WOULD TOUCH
YOUR WASHED-UP WHITE ASS?
- I WILL.
- DUDE, A HAIRY
LITTLE WOODLAND CREATURE
CAN'T DIRECT A MOVIE.
- UH, WHAT ABOUT
PETER JACKSON?
- OKAY,
I STAND CORRECTED.
- ALL RIGHT, MALLOY,
I SNORTED FOUR LINES OF LEVITRA.
THERE'S SOUP IN THE MUSHROOM!
LET'S SHOOT THIS THING!
- PUT A PIN IN THAT BONER.
I'M STILL AUDITIONING ACTRESSES.
CONNIE, BRING THEM IN!
TOO FAT, TRUCKER ARMS,
FLAT ASS. THAT'S A MOOSE.
CHRIST! CONNIE!
BRING ME SOME REAL WOMEN
WITH NO SELF-ESTEEM.
- SORRY, MALLOY,
I'M JUST REALLY TIRED.
- I'M REALLY TIRED TOO--
OF HAVING A WHEEZING
ELEPHANT SEAL FOR AN ASSISTANT.
- I NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED
TO BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
- CONNIE, DON'T EVER
[bleep] BACKTALK ME.
- I'M SO SORRY.
- OH, GOD. WHAT IS THIS NOW?
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW DEMEANING THIS IS TO WOMEN?
- YES. AND, NO,
YOU CANNOT BE IN IT.
- I WOULD NEVER BE IN
THIS MOVIE.
WAIT, WHY CAN'T I
BE IN THIS MOVIE?
YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE
TRUCKER ARMS, DO YOU?
IT IS MY NOSE?
[gasps]
ARE MY BOOBS TOO SMALL?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT GONNA
FALL INTO YOUR LITTLE TRAP.
YOU PUT ME IN
THIS GODDAMN MOVIE!
PUT ME IN!
MALLOY,
PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!
- FINE, BUT I'M NOT
GONNA PAY YOU.
- YES, I'M PRETTY.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING THE ONLY TIME
THE GHOST DIDN'T BOTHER YOU
WAS DURING THE FOUR WEEKS
YOUR DADDY WAS IN JAIL?
- YEAH, I GUESS HE WAS
TOO BUSY FRAMING MY DAD
FOR ALL THOSE DUIs.
[pounding on door]
- OOH, YOU ORDERED US
A PIZZA?
- NO, IT'S A MEDIUM.
- SO, YOU ORDERED YOURSELF
A PIZZA?
- NO, I GOT US A MEDIUM.
- OH, SO WE ONLY GET
THREE SLICES A PIECE?
YOU AT LEAST GET SOME
BREADSTICKS OR SOME SHIT?
- NO, DENZEL, A MEDIUM
TO HELP US HUNT DOWN THIS GHOST.
- HOW'S A PIZZA GONNA
HUNT DOWN A GHOST, STEVE?
- HI, I'M ST--
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT YOURSELF.
YOU LIKE TO EAT CANDY.
- YES!
- YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- NO!
- AND YOU BROUGHT ME HERE
FOR SOME INFORMATION ON...
SOME SUBJECT.
- OH, MY GOD, YES!
I'M LOOKING FOR AN EVIL GHOST.
WHERE DO YOU THINK HE IS?
- UH...
OOH! THE GRAVEYARD.
- I KNEW IT!
- STEVE, CAN'T YOU SEE
THIS WOMAN'S PLAYING YOU?
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
- OH, A NON-BELIEVER.
LET ME GO CHECK IN
WITH THE OTHER SIDE.
[gasps]
I'M SENSING...
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
MISPRONOUNCES WORDS
LIKE "LIBARY"
AND "BAFROOM."
- HOLY SHIT!
- [monotone]
CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M THE CEO
OF THIS SPERM BANK,
AND WE
ARE VERY BUSY TODAY.
- [stilted]
WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO
GET EVEN BUSIER
BECAUSE I NEED A LOAN.
- OOH, I CAN GIVE YOU A LOAN.
A LOAN BONE.
- CUT!
THE LINE IS "BONE LOAN."
WHAT THE HELL
IS A "LOAN BONE"?
- I'M HAVING A REAL PROBLEM
UNDERSTANDING MY CHARACTER.
- HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX.
- WELL, WHAT'S HIS MOTIVATION?
- TO HAVE SEX.
- WELL, DID HE HAVE
A HAPPY CHILDHOOD?
- JUST TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES
AND [bleep] HER
IN HER [bleep] [bleep].
- WHAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU
OVER ALL THE BEEPS.
[microwave beeps]
- SORRY.
I WAS MAKING TAQUITOS
IN THE MICROWAVE.
- CAN SOMEONE
CHECK HIS GREEN CARD?
AND WHERE THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING?
- ME? OH, I'M JUST GONNA
GO GRAB LUNCH
WHILE MY, UH,
BODY DOUBLE STEPS IN.
WAIT, YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS
GONNA DO A NUDE SCENE, DID YOU?
- IF I WANTED A SHITTY ACTRESS
WHO WOULDN'T SHOW HER TITS,
I WOULD HAVE HIRED
KEVIN JAMES.
- OH, I DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE THIS FROM YOU, MALLOY.
I QUIT!
- OH, NO!
HOW WILL I EVER
REPLACE YOU?
I COULD JUST GLUE TWO ORANGES
TO A MOP.
YOU'LL REGRET THIS!
NOBODY WALKS OUT ON ME,
YOU [bleep]!
- I'M SORRY.
THE SHELL IS WARM
AND CRISPY,
BUT THE TAQUITO
IS STILL COLD ON THE INSIDE.
- STEVE, YOU LOOK LIKE
A MEXICAN ASTRONAUT.
- THANK YOU, BUT THIS IS NOT
ABOUT HOW BADASS I LOOK.
THIS IS ABOUT VENGEANCE.
- [snickers] OKAY.
GOOD LUCK
WITH THAT VENGEANCE.
IF YOU NEED ME,
I'LL BE HOME, SLEEPING.
BOOOO...
- AAH! AAH!
AAAAH!
YOU RUINED MY LIFE,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
- STEVE, STEVE, HOLD ON!
I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU!
- YOU MORPHED
INTO DENZEL, HUH?
YOU SHAPE-SHIFTING GHOST!
- WHOA, STEVE, IT'S ME!
ASK ME SOMETHING
ONLY I WOULD KNOW.
- WHAT'S MY LAST NAME?
- I DON'T [bleep] KNOW.
- OH, THANK GOD,
IT'S YOU, DENZEL.
- MAN, THIS IS WORSE
THAN I THOUGHT.
YOU NEED
SOME THERAPY, STEVE.
- THE ONLY THERAPY I NEED
IS TO KILL THIS GHOST.
- STEVE, THERE IS NO--
[rustling]
both: GHOST!
- COULD WE SOFTEN THIS LIGHT
A LITTLE BIT?
I DON'T NEED OR DESERVE TO SEE
EVERY WRINKLE ON WOODY'S SAC.
IF THAT BOOM MIC GETS
IN THE SHOT ONE MORE TIME,
WHOA-HO-HO,
WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT THE INSIDE OF YOUR ASS
SOUNDS LIKE.
- PROBABLY NOT GOOD.
HE ATE A WHOLE PLATE
OF TAQUITOS.
- HOW DID YOU GET BACK
INTO THE COUNTRY?
OKAY, ACTION!
- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
- I DID A BUNCH OF COKE
AND REWROTE THE WHOLE SCRIPT
LAST NIGHT.
JUST READ THE CUE CARDS.
- [stilted]
ANY LAST REQUESTS,
OSAMA BIN LADEN?
- YES, INFIDELS, I WANT YOU
TO RUN A TRAIN ON ME
WITH YOUR SEAL-TEAM DICKS
OR I'LL 69/11 YOU!
WHAT?
THIS IS BULLSHIT, MALLOY!
PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE
THE REX ROCKET!
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT WAS GARBAGE.
I'M GONNA REWRITE
THE WHOLE SCRIPT...
[snorts]
RIGHT NOW.
[typing furiously]
- [robotically]
BEEP-BOOP, BEEP-BOOP, BEEP.
YOU ORDERED A PIZZA
FROM THE FUTURE?
[grunts]
- CUT!
WOODY, STOP BREATHING!
ROBOTS DON'T BREATHE.
- THIS IS THE 100TH TAKE.
COULD WE STOP FOR A MINUTE?
I'M TIRED.
- YOU'RE TIRED?
YOU'VE FLUBBED YOUR LINES
SO MANY TIMES
THAT CHASTITY HERE
IS STARTING TO QUESTION
HER LIFE CHOICES.
- I THINK I MIGHT WANT
TO GO TO NURSING SCHOOL.
- I'M PRETTY SURE
THEY DRUG TEST.
- OH, WELL.
- SERIOUSLY, SOMETHING'S WRONG.
I AM IN REAL PAIN HERE.
- GREAT! USE IT! ACTION!
[thud]
- [groans]
- THAT WAS NOT
IN THE SCRIPT!
[snorts]
BUT IT IS NOW.
[typing furiously]
- YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY MAN,
WOODY.
EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.
- GREAT!
SO I CAN PERFORM?
- [laughs]
OF COURSE YOU CAN PERFORM--
IN STAGE PLAYS,
LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIES,
EVEN BLACKFACE
MINSTREL SHOWS.
JUST NOT PORNOGRAPHY.
YOU SEE, WOODY, YOU'RE SUFFERING
FROM A RARE AILMENT--
MULTIPLE SCROT CYSTS.
- I HAVE MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS?
SHIT!
- OH, HEAVENS NO.
I WISH YOU DID.
I SAID,
"MULTIPLE SCROT CYSTS,"
AS IN MULTIPLE CYSTS
IN YOUR SCROTUM.
EACH CYST IS A LITTLE,
TICKING TIME BOMB.
EVERY SINGLE BOUNCE
OF YOUR BALL BAG
BRINGS YOU
CLOSER TO DEATH.
- LEVEL WITH ME, DOC.
HOW MANY THRUSTS
DO I HAVE LEFT?
- I CAN'T GIVE YOU
AN EXACT NUMBER, WOODY,
BUT IT'S SOMEWHERE BETWEEN,
SAY, 70 AND 72.
- SO...71?
- [laughs]
IF ONLY MEDICINE
COULD BE THAT PRECISE.
- [whimpering]
[door bangs open]
AAH! AAH! THE GHOST!
HE'S COMING FOR US.
- GRAB THE GHOST BATS!
- TAKE THAT, YOU GHOST!
[overlapping grunts]
TAKE THAT!
- KILL THAT GHOST!
KILL THAT GHOST!
- HAH!
- AAH!
- I THINK WE GOT HIM!
- [moans]
- OH, NO! CONNIE!
- THE GHOST
MUST HAVE BEAT HER UP!
- WE BEAT HER UP,
YOU DUMBASS!
IT WAS CONNIE SLEEPWALKING
THE WHOLE TIME!
I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS,
STEVE,
BUT THAT GHOST
WAS JUST YOUR ALCOHOLIC FATHER
BEATING YOUR MAMA UP
ON HER BIRTHDAY.
- SORRY,
I WAS ZONING OUT.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING
YOU JUST SAID.
- STEVE, IT WASN'T A GHOST!
IT WAS YOUR DAD
THE WHOLE TIME!
- DAMN IT.
HAPPENED AGAIN.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING
AFTER THE WORD "STEVE."
- YOU JUST HAD
A SHITTY DAD!
- SORRY, I WAS
HOLDING IN A FART.
- I GIVE UP.
- [squeaky fart]
DENZEL, I JUST
REALIZED SOMETHING.
IT WAS MY DAD
THE WHOLE TIME.
THERE IS NO GHOST.
- [munching]
- [shudders]
- [munching]
HEY, STEVE,
LONG TIME NO SEE.
REMEMBER WHEN I STOLE
YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
AND MADE THE BANK
FORECLOSE ON YOUR HOUSE?
[laughs]
GOOD TIMES.
HEY, GIVE THIS
TO YOUR MOM FOR ME.
- [grunts]
- I'M SORRY,
SNUGGLEWUBS,
BUT I JUST CAN'T
DO PORN ANYMORE.
DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
IT KILLS ME
MORE THAN ANYONE.
- YOU REST UP, WOODY.
I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
BESIDES, I ALREADY
FOUND YOUR REPLACEMENT.
- YO, YO, YO, DUKE DICK
IN THE FATHER-SUCKIN' HOUSE.
- OOH, HELL NO!
I AIN'T DONE YET!
IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- ACTION!
♪
[typing furiously]
♪
[typing furiously]
♪
[typing furiously]
- NO! NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NOOO!
[elephant trumpeting]
- ALL RIGHT, WOODY,
THIS IS YOUR FINAL SCENE.
- OH, IT BETTER BE.
THIS IS THE 93RD REWRITE
OF THIS MOVIE...TODAY!
- I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED,
BUT NAIL THIS SHOT,
AND REX ERECTION WILL NEVER
BE FORGOTTEN AGAIN.
TIME FOR THE REX ROCKET.
YOU READY?
- [grunts]
IT'S TIME TO...
[takes deep breath]
BUST ASS!
THE REX ROCKET!
[thud]
[cheers and applause]
- OH, MY GOD,
HE'S DEAD AND STILL IN ME!
GROSS!
- AND THAT'S HOW YOU DIRECT
A SNUFF FILM. PERFECT!
♪
- THE WORLD MOURNS TODAY
AS BELOVED PORNOGRAPHIC
FILM STAR REX ERECTION HAS DIED.
A TRUE INNOVATOR,
HE DEVELOPED SPECIALIZED
COITUS PROCEDURES
LIKE THE CLAM SLAM,
THE DRIPPY PICKLE,
THE NANCY REAGAN,
AND HIS SIGNATURE
REX ROCKET.
ONE THING IS FOR CERTAIN--
THE LEGACY OF REX ERECTION
WILL LIVE ON FOREVER.
WE NOW JOIN THE BONEY AWARDS,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
♪
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HERE ARE THE PORN ACTORS
AND ACTRESSES WE LOST THIS YEAR.
♪
AND NOW, TO PRESENT THE BONEY
FOR BEST ACTOR,
PLEASE WELCOME FLESH DEVIL,
THE LEATHER-BOUND MIDGET FREAK,
AND ACADEMY AWARD WINNER
SUSAN SARANDON.
[applause]
- SUSAN, IT IS SAID
THAT A GOOD PORN ACTOR
INVITES THE AUDIENCE
TO COME.
- YES, FLESH DEVIL,
BUT A GREAT PORN ACTOR
ALSO INVITES THE AUDIENCE
TO FEEL.
- THE BONEY AWARD
FOR BEST ACTOR GOES TO...
- REX ERECTION!
[applause]
- I'D LIKE TO ACCEPT THIS
ON BEHALF OF REX ERECTION.
HE WASN'T SEXY OR HANDSOME,
HE WAS A HORRIBLE ACTOR,
BUT YOU GUYS WILL
JERK OFF TO ANYTHING.
THANK YOU.
[applause]
- [grunts]
[audience gasps]
- THIS IS BULLSHIT!
EVERYONE KNOWS DUKE
IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!
[thwack]
[groans]
[thud]
- THAT'S NOT THE ONE
I TAKE HOME, IS IT?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WOODY'S GONE.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT HE LEFT ME IN HIS WILL?
HIS LOVE.
OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET?
HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL,
CHEAP OLD MAN.
- CONNIE,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- STEVE SAID A GHOST GOT ME,
THEN DENZEL SAID THE GHOST LEFT
AND THERE'S NO USE
INVESTIGATING
THE SITUATION ANY FURTHER.
- HOWDY, RANGERS.
IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- [gasps]
- WHAT THE--
- I FAKED MY OWN DEATH
SO REX ERECTION'S LEGACY
COULD LIVE ON FOREVER.
I WASN'T
ABOUT TO LET DUKE DICK
STEAL EVERYTHING
I WORKED FOR!
- BUT THERE WAS A BODY
IN THE CASKET THAT WE BURIED.
- HUH? OH, YEAH.
THAT WAS
SOME HOMELESS NAVAJO
I FOUND PASSED OUT
BEHIND QUIZNOS.
WHAT?
I GAVE HIM 50 BUCKS.
- SORRY WE'RE LATE.
GHOST!
- QUICK!
GRAB THE GHOST BATS!
- [groans]
- OH!
[typewriter clacking]
[bell dings]
♪
WHAT I JUST NOTICED?
CONNIE'S KNEES
LOOK MORE LIKE BALLS
THAN MY BALLS
LOOK LIKE BALLS.
- OH, MY GOD, THEY DO.
- MAN, I'M STARVING.
BEING THE BEST
PARK RANGER ON EARTH
CAN REALLY WORK UP
AN APPETITE.
OH, NO!
MY LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD!
IT'S GONE!
- STEVE, IF I'DA KNOWN,
I NEVER WOULD HAVE--
- AND LOOK AT THAT!
SOMEONE DREW A MUSTACHE
ON MY RANGER OF THE MONTH
PICTURE!
DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?
THERE'S ONLY ONE EXPLANATION!
IT'S THE GHOST!
- YEAH, UH, A GHOST
ATE YOUR CHINESE FOOD.
- AND DREW A MUSTACHE
ON YOUR PICTURE.
- AND, UH, GOT DRUNK AND TOOK
A SHIT ON YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.
UH, I MEAN,
UH, WHAT GHOST?
- I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT
THE GHOST THAT RUINED
MY CHILDHOOD?
IT ALL STARTED 25 YEARS AGO.
I GOT UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING,
AND THERE WERE NO PRESENTS.
MY DAD SAID
THE GHOST STOLE THEM.
THEN THE GHOST GAMBLED AWAY
MY COLLEGE FUND,
BACKED OVER MY DOG,
AND GAVE MY MOM TWO BLACK EYES
ON HER BIRTHDAY.
- THE GHOST
DID ALL THAT, HUH?
- YEAH,
AND NOW HE'S BACK.
BUT THIS TIME,
I'M GONNA GET MY REVENGE
AND KILL THAT DEAD
SON OF A BITCH!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ANOTHER WORD
ABOUT THAT GHOST!
- WOODY USED TO BE
A '70s PORN STAR
NAMED REX ERECTION.
- TELL ME MORE ABOUT
THAT GHOST, STEVE.
♪
- AH-AH-AAH!
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
THIS PORN SITE
WHAT? I LIKE FULL BUSH.
I'M A BEAR.
ANYWAY, I FOUND THIS.
♪
[doorbell rings]
- JUST A MINUTE.
- TRICK OR TREAT.
- AND WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE?
- I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
[bleep] YOU.
[grunts]
- [moaning]
- THAT'S WOODY?
- CAN'T BE!
- IF I WASN'T GAY,
I AM NOW.
- EW! THERE'S NO WAY
THAT'S HIM.
- OKAY, BABY, IT'S TIME
TO BUST ASS!
OKAY, RANGERS,
IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- WELL, THAT DRIED ME UP.
- WOODY, WHAT'D YOU
DO FOR A LIVING
BEFORE YOU WORKED
AT BRICKLEBERRY?
- OH, I HAD MY FINGERS
IN THIS AND THAT.
- BY THIS AND THAT,
I'M ASSUMING YOU MEANT
VAGINAS AND BUTTHOLES?
- [moans softly]
WELL, I KNEW
THIS DAY WOULD COME.
BACK IN THE '70s,
I MADE A LIVING
AS A PORNOGRAPHIC ACTOR
NAMED REX ERECTION.
- WOODY JOHNSON WASN'T A GOOD
ENOUGH PORN NAME FOR YOU?
- HUH?
I DON'T GET IT.
ANYHOW, PORN WAS JUST
ONE OF THOSE JOBS
YOU STUMBLE INTO
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG
AND NEW TO THE BIG CITY,
AND YOU'VE GOT
A DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE
FOR A DICK!
[laughs]
- YEAH, WE NOTICED.
♪
- OH, NO! IT'S MY HUSBAND
AND HIS BROTHER!
THEY JUST FINISHED
PLAYING 18 HOLES.
- I GOT TWO MORE HOLES
YOU GUYS CAN PLAY.
[grunts]
- GAY PORN TOO?
SO YOU'RE GAY?
- EW! HELL NO!
I DIDN'T ENJOY IT!
IT'S CALLED ACTING.
- BUT THERE'S ONE
UNANSWERED QUESTION.
WHY WERE THOSE TWO MEN
PLAYING GOLF
AT NIGHT ON HALLOWEEN?
- CONNIE, I OUGHT
TO WHUP YOUR ASS.
WOODY, WHY'D YOU QUIT?
- QUIT? NO.
IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.
I WAS
A PORNOGRAPHIC PIONEER.
THE WORLD WAS AT MY FEET.
I EVEN INVENTED
MY OWN SIGNATURE MOVE--
THE REX ROCKET!
[grunts]
- OH, MY GOD!
THAT WAS AMAZING!
- I HAD LEGIONS OF FANS
WHO ADORED ME.
- COULD YOU MAKE IT OUT
TO DUKE?
YOU'RE MY HERO, REX.
I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU
WHEN I GROW UP.
- WHAT ARE YOU, SEVEN?
- I'M ONLY SIX.
- SIX INCHES?
NOT ENOUGH CABLE, SON.
YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
IN PORN.
STAY IN SCHOOL.
- OHH.
- OH, I WAS ON TOP
OF THE WORLD,
BUT I FLEW TOO CLOSE
TO THE SUN.
[snorts]
I BURNED OUT.
COULDN'T DO WHAT I, UH,
NEEDED TO DO.
OH, BOY.
I'M--I'M REALLY EMBARRASSED
ABOUT THIS, FOLKS.
WELL, ONE MINUTE.
OH, BROTHER.
I'M THINKING OF EVERYTHING.
SORRY, GUYS.
I KNOW THIS SEEMS
UNPROFESSIONAL,
BUT MAYBE YOU GUYS
CAN HIT CRAFT SERVICE.
OH, OH,
STARTING TO GET A TINGLE.
NO! SHIT! IT'S GONE!
COME ON, COME ON!
MY PRESENCE IN PORN FILMS
WAS REDUCED TO NON-SEXUAL
CHARACTER ROLES,
LIKE THE POOL BOY'S BOSS
AND ONE OF THE STUDENTS
NOT KEPT AFTER CLASS.
IT FLUNG ME INTO
A DEEP DEPRESSION.
[crying]
[lid pops]
[crying]
[snorts]
HUH?
WHAT ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE
DOING IN MY BATHROOM?
[thud]
FORTUNATELY, UNCLE SAM
STRAIGHTENED ME OUT.
THEN I TOOK THIS JOB
AT BRICKLEBERRY
AND FOUND MY TRUE CALLING,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHERE THE HELL
IS EVERYBODY?
YOU SEE, MALLOY,
WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER,
OR THEY'RE BEING PAID
AND THERE'S A CAMERA THERE,
THEY HAVE WHAT ARE CALLED...
[spits]
RELATIONS.
SOMETIMES THAT WOMAN
CAN BE A MAN
OR A GANG OF MEN
OR A SHETLAND PONY.
YOU FOLLOWING ME?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU HAD SEX WITH A HORSE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME
YOU WERE IN PORN?
I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED
OF GETTING INTO PORN.
- YOU WANT TO BE
A PORN ACTOR?
- HELL NO,
THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
I WANT TO DIRECT,
LIKE THE GREAT STORYTELLERS
FROM THE GOLDEN AGE OF PORN,
BACK WHEN THERE WAS AN ART
TO EXPLOITING PEOPLE
AND RUINING THEIR LIVES.
HEY, THAT REMINDS ME.
PORN CON IS THIS WEEK.
WE HAVE TO GO.
YOU ARE A GOD TO TONS OF SAD,
LONELY, PATHETIC PEOPLE.
- OH, SORRY, FUZZYWUBS.
I HAVE MADE
MY PEACE WITH PORN,
AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK
TO THAT DARK PLACE.
- WHAT ABOUT FOR 100 BUCKS
AN AUTOGRAPH?
- HELLO, DARK PLACE!
- HEY--HEY, GUYS!
- BREAK'S OVER.
- WAIT! IT'S HERE!
- WHAT'S HERE?
- MY GHOST-HUNTING EQUIPMENT!
- MAN, THAT'S JUST A BAT!
- NO, IT'S A GHOST BAT.
YOU CAN'T HIT A GHOST
WITH A REGULAR BAT.
IT'D GO RIGHT THROUGH THEM.
GHOST TAPE RECORDER,
GHOST GLASSES, GHOST-A-METER.
- THAT'S A RECTAL THERMOMETER
DUCT-TAPED TO A TENNIS RACQUET.
STEVE, HOW MUCH DID YOU
SPEND ON ALL THIS CRAP?
- $800.
- WHAT?
- SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR REVENGE, AM I RIGHT?
- YEAH, UH,
STEVE, THAT REMINDS ME.
I HAVE THIS GHOST MOP
I WANT TO SELL YOU.
- NO, THANKS.
ALREADY HAVE ONE.
- WELL, THIS SUCKS,
MALLOY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE
WANTS TO MEET ME.
THERE'S EVEN A LINE
TO SEE THE FATTIES
FROM
FILIPINO FOOT FETISH 5!
♪
[camera shutter clicking]
- THAT WAS A SURPRISINGLY
SOLID FILM, DESPITE THE FACT
THAT YOU DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS A PREQUEL TILL THE END.
- I'M A JOKE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
TALKED ME INTO COMING HERE.
MY LEGACY IS DEAD.
- CHEER UP, WOODY.
THESE PORN NERDS
ARE JUST CHEAP.
AUTOGRAPHS NOW
ONLY $10.
$1.00 AUTOGRAPHS.
[thud]
OKAY, NO ONE LOVES YOU.
- JESUS DOES!
- NOT AFTER HE SAW
THE REXERECTION IV:
EASTER [bleep]DAY.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT IS MY PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE THE BIGGEST
PORN STAR IN THE WORLD,
THE GOD OF ROD,
THE MASTER ASS BLASTER,
THE SHOO-IN FOR THIS YEAR'S
BONEY AWARD,
DUKE DICK!
[cheers and applause]
- HEY, THOSE ARE MY MOVES!
THAT'S MY NAVAJO CHAP SLAP
AND MY INVERTED CLAM!
[gasps]
AND THAT'S MY MR. BELVEDERE!
- YO! DUKE DICK
IN THE HIT ZONE!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
- IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- AND THAT'S
MY CATCHPHRASE!
- NOW, WHO WANTS TO SEE DUKE
DO HIS FAMOUS MOVE?
THE DUKE ROCKET!
[cheers and applause]
- STOP RIGHT THERE!
- SOMEONE GET
THIS QUEEN OFFSTAGE
BEFORE THE DUKE
GETS FILLED WITH RAGE!
- YOU STOLE ALL OF MY MOVES,
ASSHOLE!
- ASSHOLE? MY ASSHOLE HAS WON
FIVE BONEY AWARDS!
SHOW SOME RESPECT, SON!
- OH, I AIN'T YOUR SON,
HOMBRE.
I'M REX [bleep] ERECTION!
- REX ERECTION
WAS MY HERO
UNTIL HE TOLD ME
I'D NEVER MAKE IT.
- WHAT THE--
"DEAR DUKE,
YOU GOT A SMALL TOOL.
STAY IN SCHOOL.
REX."
- WELL, I SHOWED YOU.
NOW I'M ON TOP, AND YOU'RE
ALL WASHED UP, OLD MAN.
- NOT FOR LONG, 'CAUSE YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SKYPE WITH YOUR GRANDKIDS?
- NO, I'M GONNA
COME OUT OF RETIREMENT,
I'M GONNA MAKE MY OWN MOVIE,
I'M GONNA WIN THAT BONEY,
AND THEN I'M GONNA SHOVE IT UP
YOUR AWARD-WINNING ASSHOLE!
- YEAH, RIGHT.
WHAT DIRECTOR WOULD TOUCH
YOUR WASHED-UP WHITE ASS?
- I WILL.
- DUDE, A HAIRY
LITTLE WOODLAND CREATURE
CAN'T DIRECT A MOVIE.
- UH, WHAT ABOUT
PETER JACKSON?
- OKAY,
I STAND CORRECTED.
- ALL RIGHT, MALLOY,
I SNORTED FOUR LINES OF LEVITRA.
THERE'S SOUP IN THE MUSHROOM!
LET'S SHOOT THIS THING!
- PUT A PIN IN THAT BONER.
I'M STILL AUDITIONING ACTRESSES.
CONNIE, BRING THEM IN!
TOO FAT, TRUCKER ARMS,
FLAT ASS. THAT'S A MOOSE.
CHRIST! CONNIE!
BRING ME SOME REAL WOMEN
WITH NO SELF-ESTEEM.
- SORRY, MALLOY,
I'M JUST REALLY TIRED.
- I'M REALLY TIRED TOO--
OF HAVING A WHEEZING
ELEPHANT SEAL FOR AN ASSISTANT.
- I NEVER ACTUALLY ASKED
TO BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
- CONNIE, DON'T EVER
[bleep] BACKTALK ME.
- I'M SO SORRY.
- OH, GOD. WHAT IS THIS NOW?
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW DEMEANING THIS IS TO WOMEN?
- YES. AND, NO,
YOU CANNOT BE IN IT.
- I WOULD NEVER BE IN
THIS MOVIE.
WAIT, WHY CAN'T I
BE IN THIS MOVIE?
YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE
TRUCKER ARMS, DO YOU?
IT IS MY NOSE?
[gasps]
ARE MY BOOBS TOO SMALL?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT GONNA
FALL INTO YOUR LITTLE TRAP.
YOU PUT ME IN
THIS GODDAMN MOVIE!
PUT ME IN!
MALLOY,
PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!
- FINE, BUT I'M NOT
GONNA PAY YOU.
- YES, I'M PRETTY.
- SO YOU'RE SAYING THE ONLY TIME
THE GHOST DIDN'T BOTHER YOU
WAS DURING THE FOUR WEEKS
YOUR DADDY WAS IN JAIL?
- YEAH, I GUESS HE WAS
TOO BUSY FRAMING MY DAD
FOR ALL THOSE DUIs.
[pounding on door]
- OOH, YOU ORDERED US
A PIZZA?
- NO, IT'S A MEDIUM.
- SO, YOU ORDERED YOURSELF
A PIZZA?
- NO, I GOT US A MEDIUM.
- OH, SO WE ONLY GET
THREE SLICES A PIECE?
YOU AT LEAST GET SOME
BREADSTICKS OR SOME SHIT?
- NO, DENZEL, A MEDIUM
TO HELP US HUNT DOWN THIS GHOST.
- HOW'S A PIZZA GONNA
HUNT DOWN A GHOST, STEVE?
- HI, I'M ST--
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT YOURSELF.
YOU LIKE TO EAT CANDY.
- YES!
- YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- NO!
- AND YOU BROUGHT ME HERE
FOR SOME INFORMATION ON...
SOME SUBJECT.
- OH, MY GOD, YES!
I'M LOOKING FOR AN EVIL GHOST.
WHERE DO YOU THINK HE IS?
- UH...
OOH! THE GRAVEYARD.
- I KNEW IT!
- STEVE, CAN'T YOU SEE
THIS WOMAN'S PLAYING YOU?
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
- OH, A NON-BELIEVER.
LET ME GO CHECK IN
WITH THE OTHER SIDE.
[gasps]
I'M SENSING...
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
MISPRONOUNCES WORDS
LIKE "LIBARY"
AND "BAFROOM."
- HOLY SHIT!
- [monotone]
CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M THE CEO
OF THIS SPERM BANK,
AND WE
ARE VERY BUSY TODAY.
- [stilted]
WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO
GET EVEN BUSIER
BECAUSE I NEED A LOAN.
- OOH, I CAN GIVE YOU A LOAN.
A LOAN BONE.
- CUT!
THE LINE IS "BONE LOAN."
WHAT THE HELL
IS A "LOAN BONE"?
- I'M HAVING A REAL PROBLEM
UNDERSTANDING MY CHARACTER.
- HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX.
- WELL, WHAT'S HIS MOTIVATION?
- TO HAVE SEX.
- WELL, DID HE HAVE
A HAPPY CHILDHOOD?
- JUST TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES
AND [bleep] HER
IN HER [bleep] [bleep].
- WHAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU
OVER ALL THE BEEPS.
[microwave beeps]
- SORRY.
I WAS MAKING TAQUITOS
IN THE MICROWAVE.
- CAN SOMEONE
CHECK HIS GREEN CARD?
AND WHERE THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING?
- ME? OH, I'M JUST GONNA
GO GRAB LUNCH
WHILE MY, UH,
BODY DOUBLE STEPS IN.
WAIT, YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS
GONNA DO A NUDE SCENE, DID YOU?
- IF I WANTED A SHITTY ACTRESS
WHO WOULDN'T SHOW HER TITS,
I WOULD HAVE HIRED
KEVIN JAMES.
- OH, I DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE THIS FROM YOU, MALLOY.
I QUIT!
- OH, NO!
HOW WILL I EVER
REPLACE YOU?
I COULD JUST GLUE TWO ORANGES
TO A MOP.
YOU'LL REGRET THIS!
NOBODY WALKS OUT ON ME,
YOU [bleep]!
- I'M SORRY.
THE SHELL IS WARM
AND CRISPY,
BUT THE TAQUITO
IS STILL COLD ON THE INSIDE.
- STEVE, YOU LOOK LIKE
A MEXICAN ASTRONAUT.
- THANK YOU, BUT THIS IS NOT
ABOUT HOW BADASS I LOOK.
THIS IS ABOUT VENGEANCE.
- [snickers] OKAY.
GOOD LUCK
WITH THAT VENGEANCE.
IF YOU NEED ME,
I'LL BE HOME, SLEEPING.
BOOOO...
- AAH! AAH!
AAAAH!
YOU RUINED MY LIFE,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
- STEVE, STEVE, HOLD ON!
I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU!
- YOU MORPHED
INTO DENZEL, HUH?
YOU SHAPE-SHIFTING GHOST!
- WHOA, STEVE, IT'S ME!
ASK ME SOMETHING
ONLY I WOULD KNOW.
- WHAT'S MY LAST NAME?
- I DON'T [bleep] KNOW.
- OH, THANK GOD,
IT'S YOU, DENZEL.
- MAN, THIS IS WORSE
THAN I THOUGHT.
YOU NEED
SOME THERAPY, STEVE.
- THE ONLY THERAPY I NEED
IS TO KILL THIS GHOST.
- STEVE, THERE IS NO--
[rustling]
both: GHOST!
- COULD WE SOFTEN THIS LIGHT
A LITTLE BIT?
I DON'T NEED OR DESERVE TO SEE
EVERY WRINKLE ON WOODY'S SAC.
IF THAT BOOM MIC GETS
IN THE SHOT ONE MORE TIME,
WHOA-HO-HO,
WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT THE INSIDE OF YOUR ASS
SOUNDS LIKE.
- PROBABLY NOT GOOD.
HE ATE A WHOLE PLATE
OF TAQUITOS.
- HOW DID YOU GET BACK
INTO THE COUNTRY?
OKAY, ACTION!
- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
- I DID A BUNCH OF COKE
AND REWROTE THE WHOLE SCRIPT
LAST NIGHT.
JUST READ THE CUE CARDS.
- [stilted]
ANY LAST REQUESTS,
OSAMA BIN LADEN?
- YES, INFIDELS, I WANT YOU
TO RUN A TRAIN ON ME
WITH YOUR SEAL-TEAM DICKS
OR I'LL 69/11 YOU!
WHAT?
THIS IS BULLSHIT, MALLOY!
PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE
THE REX ROCKET!
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT WAS GARBAGE.
I'M GONNA REWRITE
THE WHOLE SCRIPT...
[snorts]
RIGHT NOW.
[typing furiously]
- [robotically]
BEEP-BOOP, BEEP-BOOP, BEEP.
YOU ORDERED A PIZZA
FROM THE FUTURE?
[grunts]
- CUT!
WOODY, STOP BREATHING!
ROBOTS DON'T BREATHE.
- THIS IS THE 100TH TAKE.
COULD WE STOP FOR A MINUTE?
I'M TIRED.
- YOU'RE TIRED?
YOU'VE FLUBBED YOUR LINES
SO MANY TIMES
THAT CHASTITY HERE
IS STARTING TO QUESTION
HER LIFE CHOICES.
- I THINK I MIGHT WANT
TO GO TO NURSING SCHOOL.
- I'M PRETTY SURE
THEY DRUG TEST.
- OH, WELL.
- SERIOUSLY, SOMETHING'S WRONG.
I AM IN REAL PAIN HERE.
- GREAT! USE IT! ACTION!
[thud]
- [groans]
- THAT WAS NOT
IN THE SCRIPT!
[snorts]
BUT IT IS NOW.
[typing furiously]
- YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY MAN,
WOODY.
EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.
- GREAT!
SO I CAN PERFORM?
- [laughs]
OF COURSE YOU CAN PERFORM--
IN STAGE PLAYS,
LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIES,
EVEN BLACKFACE
MINSTREL SHOWS.
JUST NOT PORNOGRAPHY.
YOU SEE, WOODY, YOU'RE SUFFERING
FROM A RARE AILMENT--
MULTIPLE SCROT CYSTS.
- I HAVE MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS?
SHIT!
- OH, HEAVENS NO.
I WISH YOU DID.
I SAID,
"MULTIPLE SCROT CYSTS,"
AS IN MULTIPLE CYSTS
IN YOUR SCROTUM.
EACH CYST IS A LITTLE,
TICKING TIME BOMB.
EVERY SINGLE BOUNCE
OF YOUR BALL BAG
BRINGS YOU
CLOSER TO DEATH.
- LEVEL WITH ME, DOC.
HOW MANY THRUSTS
DO I HAVE LEFT?
- I CAN'T GIVE YOU
AN EXACT NUMBER, WOODY,
BUT IT'S SOMEWHERE BETWEEN,
SAY, 70 AND 72.
- SO...71?
- [laughs]
IF ONLY MEDICINE
COULD BE THAT PRECISE.
- [whimpering]
[door bangs open]
AAH! AAH! THE GHOST!
HE'S COMING FOR US.
- GRAB THE GHOST BATS!
- TAKE THAT, YOU GHOST!
[overlapping grunts]
TAKE THAT!
- KILL THAT GHOST!
KILL THAT GHOST!
- HAH!
- AAH!
- I THINK WE GOT HIM!
- [moans]
- OH, NO! CONNIE!
- THE GHOST
MUST HAVE BEAT HER UP!
- WE BEAT HER UP,
YOU DUMBASS!
IT WAS CONNIE SLEEPWALKING
THE WHOLE TIME!
I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS,
STEVE,
BUT THAT GHOST
WAS JUST YOUR ALCOHOLIC FATHER
BEATING YOUR MAMA UP
ON HER BIRTHDAY.
- SORRY,
I WAS ZONING OUT.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING
YOU JUST SAID.
- STEVE, IT WASN'T A GHOST!
IT WAS YOUR DAD
THE WHOLE TIME!
- DAMN IT.
HAPPENED AGAIN.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING
AFTER THE WORD "STEVE."
- YOU JUST HAD
A SHITTY DAD!
- SORRY, I WAS
HOLDING IN A FART.
- I GIVE UP.
- [squeaky fart]
DENZEL, I JUST
REALIZED SOMETHING.
IT WAS MY DAD
THE WHOLE TIME.
THERE IS NO GHOST.
- [munching]
- [shudders]
- [munching]
HEY, STEVE,
LONG TIME NO SEE.
REMEMBER WHEN I STOLE
YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
AND MADE THE BANK
FORECLOSE ON YOUR HOUSE?
[laughs]
GOOD TIMES.
HEY, GIVE THIS
TO YOUR MOM FOR ME.
- [grunts]
- I'M SORRY,
SNUGGLEWUBS,
BUT I JUST CAN'T
DO PORN ANYMORE.
DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
IT KILLS ME
MORE THAN ANYONE.
- YOU REST UP, WOODY.
I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
BESIDES, I ALREADY
FOUND YOUR REPLACEMENT.
- YO, YO, YO, DUKE DICK
IN THE FATHER-SUCKIN' HOUSE.
- OOH, HELL NO!
I AIN'T DONE YET!
IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- ACTION!
♪
[typing furiously]
♪
[typing furiously]
♪
[typing furiously]
- NO! NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NOOO!
[elephant trumpeting]
- ALL RIGHT, WOODY,
THIS IS YOUR FINAL SCENE.
- OH, IT BETTER BE.
THIS IS THE 93RD REWRITE
OF THIS MOVIE...TODAY!
- I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED,
BUT NAIL THIS SHOT,
AND REX ERECTION WILL NEVER
BE FORGOTTEN AGAIN.
TIME FOR THE REX ROCKET.
YOU READY?
- [grunts]
IT'S TIME TO...
[takes deep breath]
BUST ASS!
THE REX ROCKET!
[thud]
[cheers and applause]
- OH, MY GOD,
HE'S DEAD AND STILL IN ME!
GROSS!
- AND THAT'S HOW YOU DIRECT
A SNUFF FILM. PERFECT!
♪
- THE WORLD MOURNS TODAY
AS BELOVED PORNOGRAPHIC
FILM STAR REX ERECTION HAS DIED.
A TRUE INNOVATOR,
HE DEVELOPED SPECIALIZED
COITUS PROCEDURES
LIKE THE CLAM SLAM,
THE DRIPPY PICKLE,
THE NANCY REAGAN,
AND HIS SIGNATURE
REX ROCKET.
ONE THING IS FOR CERTAIN--
THE LEGACY OF REX ERECTION
WILL LIVE ON FOREVER.
WE NOW JOIN THE BONEY AWARDS,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
♪
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HERE ARE THE PORN ACTORS
AND ACTRESSES WE LOST THIS YEAR.
♪
AND NOW, TO PRESENT THE BONEY
FOR BEST ACTOR,
PLEASE WELCOME FLESH DEVIL,
THE LEATHER-BOUND MIDGET FREAK,
AND ACADEMY AWARD WINNER
SUSAN SARANDON.
[applause]
- SUSAN, IT IS SAID
THAT A GOOD PORN ACTOR
INVITES THE AUDIENCE
TO COME.
- YES, FLESH DEVIL,
BUT A GREAT PORN ACTOR
ALSO INVITES THE AUDIENCE
TO FEEL.
- THE BONEY AWARD
FOR BEST ACTOR GOES TO...
- REX ERECTION!
[applause]
- I'D LIKE TO ACCEPT THIS
ON BEHALF OF REX ERECTION.
HE WASN'T SEXY OR HANDSOME,
HE WAS A HORRIBLE ACTOR,
BUT YOU GUYS WILL
JERK OFF TO ANYTHING.
THANK YOU.
[applause]
- [grunts]
[audience gasps]
- THIS IS BULLSHIT!
EVERYONE KNOWS DUKE
IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!
[thwack]
[groans]
[thud]
- THAT'S NOT THE ONE
I TAKE HOME, IS IT?
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WOODY'S GONE.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT HE LEFT ME IN HIS WILL?
HIS LOVE.
OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET?
HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL,
CHEAP OLD MAN.
- CONNIE,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
- STEVE SAID A GHOST GOT ME,
THEN DENZEL SAID THE GHOST LEFT
AND THERE'S NO USE
INVESTIGATING
THE SITUATION ANY FURTHER.
- HOWDY, RANGERS.
IT'S TIME TO BUST ASS!
- [gasps]
- WHAT THE--
- I FAKED MY OWN DEATH
SO REX ERECTION'S LEGACY
COULD LIVE ON FOREVER.
I WASN'T
ABOUT TO LET DUKE DICK
STEAL EVERYTHING
I WORKED FOR!
- BUT THERE WAS A BODY
IN THE CASKET THAT WE BURIED.
- HUH? OH, YEAH.
THAT WAS
SOME HOMELESS NAVAJO
I FOUND PASSED OUT
BEHIND QUIZNOS.
WHAT?
I GAVE HIM 50 BUCKS.
- SORRY WE'RE LATE.
GHOST!
- QUICK!
GRAB THE GHOST BATS!
- [groans]
- OH!
[typewriter clacking]
[bell dings]
♪