Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 13 - A-Park-a-Lypse - full transcript
Connies gives birth to the anit-christ, setting off Mount Brickleberry which, as it turns out, is a volcano. Denzel immediately senses that something is wrong with the new baby. In an ...
- THE HUNTERS GOT YOUR MOTHER,
BABY EAGLE.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.
[gasps]
- [shrieks]
- MOUNT BRICKLEBERRY
IS A VOLCANO?
[rustling]
- THERE IS MUCH
ABOUT BRICKLEBERRY
YOU DO NOT KNOW,
ETHEL ANDERSON.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW
MY NAME?
- OUR GODS TELL US
MANY THINGS.
- ALSO, ONCE WE GOOGLE
"SPRING BREAK 2008
ANAL CREAMPIE,"
SAFE SEARCH OFF.
YOUR PICTURE COME UP.
- NICE TO MEET YOU
IN PERSON.
- CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PART
ABOUT THE VOLCANO, PLEASE?
- OUR TRIBE HAS LEGEND.
ONE DAY, BRICKLEBERRY
WILL BE NO MORE.
VOLCANO IS SIGN.
- COME WITH US TO
OUR PEOPLE'S MOST HOLY PLACE.
GODS CREATE BRICKLEBERRY.
HOPE IT LAST MANY SEASON.
- BUT ONE DAY,
GODS TIRE OF BRICKLEBERRY.
- SAY, ONCE PEOPLE
OF BRICKLEBERRY ENTERTAIN US,
MAKE US LAUGH.
NOW, NO ONE WATCH
THEIR ADVENTURES.
- SEASONS END.
GODS NOT RENEW.
- PEOPLE SAY, GODS,
BRING BACK BRICKLEBERRY.
START ONLINE PETITION.
GODS NOT LISTEN.
- IF OUR WORLD'S ABOUT TO END,
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK WORRIED?
- BECAUSE WE'RE LOOKING
AT THIS.
- WHOO! SPRING BREAK,
MOTHER[bleep]!
- [donkey brays]
- [screams]
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- SO I SURVEYED THE VOLCANO
AND, SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING,
IT IS VERY UNLIKELY
TO ERUPT.
- WELL, I JUST WANNA SAY,
IF THAT THING DOES ERUPT,
WE WILL NOT EVACUATE!
- WELL, WE'LL KINDA HAVE TO.
- I...DON'T...EVACUATE.
I DIDN'T EVACUATE
DURING THE FOREST FIRES OF '96,
THE FLOOD OF '01,
OR THE--
- WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU EVACUATED DURING KATRINA.
- NO, I SAID I EVACUATED
ON KATRINA.
GREAT GIRL, KATRINA.
I WOULD'VE MARRIED HER
IF SHE WASN'T SUCH A PRUDE
IN THE BEDROOM.
"NO ANAL"
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
- SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT I'M GONNA NEED, LIKE,
A HALF DAY OFF TOMORROW...
TO GIVE BIRTH.
- [gasps]
- WHA-WHA-WHA-WHA-WHAT!
- YOU'RE PREGNANT?
- YEAH, FOR NINE MONTHS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NONE OF YOU
NOTICED MY BABY BUMP.
- YOUR BODY HAS A LOTTA BUMPS.
WE CAN'T KEEP TRACK
OF WHAT THEY ALL ARE.
- WELL, THIS ONE'S A BABY.
WAIT.
NO, THIS ONE'S A BABY.
UH, I THINK.
- I'D LIKE TO MEET THE GUY
THAT HAD SEX WITH YOU.
IS HE STILL IN THERE?
- I'M A SURROGATE MOTHER,
SILLY.
HELPING A NICE GAY COUPLE
HAVE A BABY.
- HANG ON! Y'ALL IGNORING
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
- WHAT? CONNIE NEVER GETS
THIS MUCH ATTENTION.
- HOW IS EVERYBODY SO CALM?
A VOLCANO'S ABOUT TO GO OFF,
AND CONNIE'S OBVIOUSLY
GIVING BIRTH TO THE ANTICHRIST.
IT'S THE END
OF THE MOTHER[bleep] WORLD!
- HERE HE GOES AGAIN.
- YEAH.
- DENZEL, LAST YEAR, YOU SAW
THE FACE OF THE ANTICHRIST
IN 12 DIFFERENT SLICES
OF BURNT TOAST.
- YEAH. MAYBE THE TOASTER
WAS SET ON "ANTI-CRUST."
- [laughing]
[bleep] YOU, TOASTER!
- LAUGH ALL YOU WANT,
BUT I KNOW THE ANTICHRIST.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG,
I SPENT A LOTTA TIME IN CHURCH,
AND MY PREACHER SAID
THE ANTICHRIST WAS REAL.
- [speaking in tongues]
ABBA ABBA FORAY
SEBA DOO-DAH SAH DAH DEY DEY.
OOHRA SULI RAH-DAH-DAH-DIDDY!
AAH DAH DA OH!
- AT LEAST,
THAT'S WHAT I THINK HE SAID.
- DENZEL,
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
- ALL I'M SAYING IS,
VIRGIN BIRTH, NICE-LOOKING?
JESUS CHRIST.
VIRGIN BIRTH, CONNIE-LOOKING?
ANTICHRIST.
- UH, GUYS?
I THINK MY...
YEP, MY WATER BROKE.
all: UGH!
- CONNIE,
YOUR BABY'S GAY PARENTS
SHOULD BE ON THEIR WAY
TO THE HOSPITAL NOW.
- OH, GOOD.
- UH, THEY SHOULD BE,
BUT THEY JUST DIED
IN A HILARIOUS CAR ACCIDENT.
- WHAT!
OH, NO.
- DON'T FRET, CONNIE.
IT'S VERY EASY
TO SELL A WHITE BABY.
KA-CHING!
- NO, I'M KEEPING IT.
- WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
AND BAD FOR DUBAI'S
OPEN AIR BABY-SLAVE MARKET.
NOW, CONNIE, LABOR CAN SOMETIMES
TAKE 24 TO 48 HOURS.
SO PREPARE YOURSELF
FOR A LONG--
- WHOA!
[baby crying]
- DAMN IT, BODEAN.
I TOLD YOU TO PACK OUR SHIT,
NOT OUR SHEEP!
- OH, HEY, WOODY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE EVACUATING LIKE US?
- BOYS, YOU KNOW
I DON'T EVACUATE.
I LAUGH IN THE FACE
OF HURRICANES, EARTHQUAKES,
GODZILLA, EVEN NICKI MINAJ.
BUT JUST BETWEEN US,
I'M TERRIFIED OF VOLCANOES.
- WHY'S THAT?
- HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF POMPEII?
- YEAH, I CAUGHT THAT
BY SCREWING BOBBY'S SISTER.
- YEAH.
SHE GAVE IT TO ME TOO.
- NO, YOU IDIOTS.
POMPEII WAS AN ANCIENT CITY
THAT WAS DESTROYED BY A VOLCANO.
THE PEOPLE
WERE ALL COVERED WITH LAVA,
FROZEN FOREVER DOING WHATEVER
THEY WERE DOING WHEN THEY DIED.
WHAT IF I GET COVERED
WITH LAVA
WHILE I'M DOING
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING?
LIKE THIS GUY.
- THAT'S HOW MY DADDY WENT.
WE HAD TO HAVE
A CLOSED CASKET.
- FOCUS, HILLBILLIES!
NOW I CAN'T HAVE
NO ARCHAEOLOGIST OF THE FUTURE
FINDING ME AND THINKING
I'M SOME KIND OF PERV
JUST 'CAUSE A VOLCANO GOT ME
WHILE I WAS MILKING MY PROSTATE.
FOR HEALTH REASONS.
BOYS, CAN YOU BUILD ME
A SECRET VOLCANO-PROOF BUNKER?
- WE ALREADY GOT ONE.
WE BUILT IT TO SURVIVE
THE OBAMA-LYPSE.
- THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL BABY.
HIS NAME IS DONNIE.
- AWW!
- WHAT A PRETTY NAME!
- THANKS.
I GOT IT OUT OF A BOOK.
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO
GO THROUGH THE OTHER BOOK.
- "BACARDI, LISTERINE,
ARUGULA."
- OH, THERE'S MY SHOPPING LIST.
[laughs]
NOW, CONNIE,
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS,
BUT FEDERAL GUIDELINES DICTATE
THAT I DON'T HAVE
TO LET YOU BREASTFEED AT WORK
UNLESS YOU GOT A REAL SWEET SET
OF MILKIES.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BOOBS?
- BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU ALSO
HAVE A BACK SET?
- AAH! ANTICHRIST!
ANTICHRIST!
- THIS IS GOING TOO FAR,
DENZEL!
- THAT BABY'S EVIL.
I'LL PROVE IT!
- HOW?
- THROUGH SCIENCE.
[cocks gun]
IF I SHOOT IT IN THE FACE
AND IT LIVES, IT'S THE DEVIL.
- OKAY! OKAY!
SHOOT IT
IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP.
- NO!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
MY FRIEND, DENZEL!
HOW COULD YOU SAY THOSE
HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT MY BABY?
[crying]
- IT'S JUST A BABY, DENZEL.
- THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
YOU REALLY UPSET CONNIE.
- NEXT TIME DON'T HESITATE.
AIM FOR THE FONTANELLE.
- ALL RIGHT! ENOUGH WITH
THE BLACK BABY NAMES.
I GUESS I SHOULD APOLOGIZE
TO CONNIE AND DONNIE.
- LEAVE THE GUN!
- FINE!
CONNIE, I'M SORRY...
- [farts]
- UH, DONNIE, I'M NOT GOOD
AT THIS APOLOGY STUFF, BUT...
I'M SORRY I SAID
YOU WERE THE ANTICHRIST.
MAYBE WHEN YOU GROW UP
A LITTLE, YOU AND I CAN--
- [demonic voice]
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
- OH, THANKS, DONNIE.
YOU'RE PRETTY COOL.
WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?
- DENZEL, I'M GOING
TO RIP OUT YOUR DICK
AND FEED IT
TO THE DEMONS OF HELL!
[growling]
- [screaming]
- ♪ OH, WHO'S MY CUTE BABY?
♪ YOU'RE MY CUTE BABY!
♪ I LOVE MY CUTE BABY
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A CUTE BABY!
♪ CUTE, CUTE, CUTE, CUTE,
BABY, BABY, CUTE! ♪
♪ LOVE HIM! CUTE!
- HE SAID HE WAS GOING
TO RIP MY DICK OFF
AND FEED IT TO A DEMON.
HE THE GODDAMN
ANTICHRIST!
- SERIOUSLY?
THAT SOUNDS HORRIFYING!
I'M ABOUT
TO EAT A HOT POCKET.
YOU WANT TO DOUBLE-CHECK
IT'S NOT BEELZEBUB
BEFORE I POP IT
IN THE MICROWAVE?
- HOT POCKET!
[all laughing]
YOU'RE FAT!
- OKAY, THEN WHY DOES
THAT HAPPEN?
- [humming]
- THERE'S A SIMPLE SCIENTIFIC
EXPLANATION, DENZEL.
CLEARLY, PESTICIDES HAVE
BUILT UP IN THE GROUNDWATER.
[Donnie crying]
[birds chirping]
[birds shrieking]
- AND HOW DOES SCIENCE
EXPLAIN THAT SHIT?
- THERE ARE SEVERAL
AVIAN DISORDERS
THAT CAN CAUSE BIRDS
TO DIE MID-FLIGHT.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT?
- HEY, LOOK!
IT'S A SUNNY CIRCLE
AND A HAPPY STAR!
- AWW.
- YEP.
- THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
- AW, COME ON!
- YOU CAN STAY WITH ME
IN THE BUNKER, CUBSIE WUBSIE.
EVERYONE ELSE WILL
DIE IN A FIRESTORM OF LAVA.
- WHY DON'T WE JUST MOVE,
YOU [bleep] MANIAC!
- AND VOO-LA!
OUR TOP SECRET BUNKER.
- SO IS THIS THE ELEVATOR
TO THE BUNKER?
- ARE YOU SURE THIS THING
IS VOLCANO-PROOF?
- OH, IT'S EVERYTHING-PROOF.
KEEPS OUT ZOMBIES,
DRACULAS, DRAGONS...
- AND JEWS.
- HOT DOG!
IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE!
- AND ONCE THIS DOOR
IS CLOSED,
IT CAN'T EVER BE OPENED
FROM THE OUTSIDE.
EVER.
I MEAN, EV-ER.
- UH-OH, BOBBY.
I THINK WE PUT THE DOOR
ON BACKWARDS.
- HOLY SHIT!
YOU MEAN WE'RE TRAPPED
IN HERE FOREVER?
- OH, NO, NOT FOREVER.
JUST TILL WE DIE.
- WELL, THANKS FOR BOOSTING
MY SPIRITS, [bleep]FACE!
- STEVE,
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PROVE
WHAT THAT BABY REALLY IS.
- [groans]
NOT THIS AGAIN.
- COME ON, STEVE!
THIS VOLCANO BLEW ITS TOP
ON THE DAY DONNIE WAS BORN.
IT'S A SIGN
OF THE APOCALYPSE!
LOOK AT THE CLOUDS
AROUND IT!
[ominous music]
- ALL I SEE IS AN ELEPHANT
FLYING AN AIRPLANE AND--
WAIT, WHAT'S THAT?
A GIRAFFE WITH TITTIES.
- DAMN, YOU STUPID, STEVE.
- HEY, CONNIE.
HOW'S THE BABY?
- I'VE COME TO REALIZE
THAT DONNIE IS DIFFERENT
FROM OTHER BABIES.
- IT'S ABOUT TIME!
WE GOTTA KILL--
- HE'S GIFTED!
HE'S SO SMART,
HE LIKES WATCHING BABY EINSTEIN
VIDEOS BACKWARDS.
LOOK.
- KILL, KILL, KILL.
SA--SA-TAN.
- SATAN.
MY SWEET SATAN.
- IT'S WEIRD.
I LEARN AS MUCH FROM DONNIE
AS HE LEARNS FROM ME.
LIKE TODAY, HE'S BEEN
TEACHING ME BIBLICAL ARAMAIC!
- AL ES-BATAAR QUMRAN
ISKATU RAKANOTH!
- ISN'T HE THE CUTIE-WUTEST?
- SO, UM, CONNIE?
HOW EXACTLY
WAS THIS BABY CONCEIVED?
- IT WAS A PRETTY STANDARD
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.
- OKAY, MY DEAR,
THIS WON'T TAKE A MINUTE.
[all chanting]
AVE SATANAS! SANGUIS BIBIMUS!
- [roaring]
- OH, HELL, NO.
YOU GUYS ARE MESSING
WITH ME, RIGHT?
- THANKS FOR COMING BY,
BUT I GOTTA FEED DONNIE NOW.
- SO WE'RE STUCK DOWN HERE
THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
- AT LEAST YOU'RE OLD
AND NEAR DEATH.
THINK OF ME.
- GREAT! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO NOW?
- REPOPULATE THE EARTH!
WHO WANTS SOME?
- ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO?
- I DID INSTALL
AN ACTIVITY CENTER.
WHO WANTS TO PLAY SORRY?
- UH, BOBBY?
ALL THE PIECES ARE MISSING.
- DAMN YOU, GOODWILL!
- OH, YOU TWO MORONS
ARE REALLY FIRING UP
MY IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
NOW WHERE'S THE SHITTER
IN THIS TOOTINCOMMON TOOL SHED?
- OH, IT'S RIGHT OVER--
UH, UH, EH...
SHIT!
WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?
- WELL, REMEMBER, BOBBY,
YOU DECIDED TO GO
WITH THE CROWN MOLDING
INSTEAD OF THE TOILET.
- WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA THINK
ABOUT RESALE VALUE.
- NO BATHROOM?
I'VE GOT TO GO!
- TRY TO TAKE YOUR MIND
OFF OF IT.
HERE, HAVE A SNACK.
- WE GOT PRUNES, COFFEE,
REFRIED BEANS.
AND FOR DESSERT WE GOT THEM
CHOCOLATE EX-LAX CANDIES.
- [grunts]
- SORRY I DOUBTED YOU, DENZEL.
- DON'T SWEAT IT.
WE JUST NEED SOME HELP FROM...
PREACHER VERNON?
- EH?
- THE ANTICHRIST HAS COME.
JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
- I SAID THAT?
- UH, KIND OF.
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
- LET ME SEE
WHAT THE SNAKES SAY.
[snakes hissing]
OH, HE LIKE TO BITE.
GOTTA PUT HIM BACK.
THEY SAY...
WE GOT TO DO A EXORCISM.
- DID YOU SAY "EXORCISM"?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I GOT A LOT OF SNAKE VENOM-
RELATED BRAIN MALFUNCTION.
WHERE AM I?
WHO PUT THESE SNAKES
IN MY PANTS?
- ♪ OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM,
E-I-E-I-O! ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM,
HE HAD A... ♪
- CACODAEMON.
- CACODAEMON? OKAY.
♪ WITH A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ HERE, AND A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ THERE. HERE A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ THERE A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ EVERYWHERE A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM
both: ♪ E-I-E-I-O!
- OH, ANTICHRISTS LOVE
OLD MACDONALD.
JUST LIKE IT SAY
IN THE BIBLE.
- OKAY. WE GOT HOLY WATER,
SHARPENED STAKES,
AND A DVD OF EVIL DEAD 3
FOR HIM TO SIGN.
WE READY.
- BUT WHAT CHANCE
DO THE THREE OF US HAVE
AGAINST THE PRINCE OF EVIL?
- THE FOUR OF US.
I'M IN.
- I THOUGHT
YOU ONLY BELIEVED IN SCIENCE.
- OH, I DID,
THEN I BABY-SAT LITTLE DONNIE.
HE PUKED UP
A GIANT LIZARD BAT,
THEN SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOM
SUCKING [bleep] IN HELL.
[bleep] SCIENCE.
LET'S EXORCISE THAT BITCH!
- ALL RIGHT!
EVERYBODY GRAB A SNAKE!
NOW LADY, FEEL FREE TO GRAB
THE ONE-EYED BLACK ONE,
BUT DON'T YOU DARE
TOUCH MY PENIS.
THAT BELONG TO JESUS.
- HI, CONNIE, I--
- SHH! IT'S LITTLE DONNIE'S
NAP TIME.
HE CAN'T SLEEP
UNLESS I PLAY CLASSICAL MUSIC.
[ominous music]
♪
IT'S BECAUSE
HE'S SO INTELLIGENT.
DO YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?
[demonic growl]
- NO!
[music stops]
I MEAN,
I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU
THE WHOLE GANG SPRANG
FOR A SPA DAY FOR YOU!
BECAUSE YOU MUST BE SO TIRED
FROM TAKING CARE OF A NEWBORN,
NOT EVIL BABY.
- [groans]
I AM PRETTY WORN OUT.
DONNIE DRANK MOST
OF MY BLOOD FOR LUNCH.
- MMM!
WELL, STEVE AND DENZEL
AND THEIR FRIEND
CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE CARE
OF DONNIE.
- WELL, MAYBE
FOR A FEW MINUTES.
I'M SO EXCITED!
I CAN'T BELIEVE KATE UPTON
HAS A SIDE BUSINESS
WHERE SHE GIVES
EROTIC MASSAGES TO COMPLETION.
- YEP.
SHE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
JUST RELAX.
LET'S GET RID OF THOSE
PUFFY BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES!
[light saber sound effects]
- ZAP, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
- ZZZZZ!
WOO WOO WOO!
- ZIBBY ZAP ZAP ZAP.
- SHOOM. BOOM!
- BOOM, ZAM.
- BRING IT ON, DARTH,
YOU BIG BLACK SON OF A BITCH.
- [mimicking filtered breathing]
LUKE, I AM YOUR DADDY.
- NO. WAIT.
ARE YOU SERIOUS, BOBBY?
- I'MA KILL YOU!
I'MA KILL YOU!
- [bleep] YOU!
GET OFF ME!
GET OFF ME!
- THIS IS DEFINITELY BETTER
THAN THOSE HORRIBLE PREQUELS.
- [grunts]
I'M PRAIRIE DOGGING.
- QUIET! LUKE'S ABOUT
TO BITE ANAKIN'S NOSE OFF.
- OH, I GOTTA
TAKE A SHIT SO BIG
KIM KARDASHIAN
MAY TRY TO MARRY IT.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
[yelling]
AHA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
UH-OH.
- THIS IS IT?
YOU FOUR THINK
YOU CAN STOP ME?
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
HE'LL USE HIS LIES TO TRY
TO MAKE US TURN ON EACH OTHER.
- THE PREACHER SAID
YOU'RE A PUSSY.
- WHAT?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- LIKE THAT.
THAT'S A GOOD EXAMPLE
OF WHAT WE SHOULDN'T LET HIM DO.
- [laughing]
- OH, LAUGH NOW, ANTICHRIST.
BECAUSE SURPRISE!
WE'VE ASSEMBLED
AN EXORCISM DREAM TEAM!
FATHER QUINN!
- I'M GOING TO NEED TO BE ALONE
WITH THE CHILD.
YOU DON'T HAVE
A NANNY CAM, RIGHT?
- RABBI MALTZMAN!
- NO, NO.
YOU STAY IN THERE, DEMON.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE COMFORTABLE.
I SCHLEPPED ALL THE WAY HERE
FROM BROOKLYN.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
- AND WITCH DOCTOR KUZNIAK!
- LUCKY FOR US, I WENT
TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN HAITI.
- AND JORGE,
WHO'S SEEN THE EXORCIST
7 1/2 TIMES
AND LET US USE HIS CAR.
- I'M NOT WITH THEM!
I'M ON YOUR SIDE!
- JORGE, SHUT UP.
- COME ON,
LET ME SELL YOU MY SOUL.
I'LL SIGN WHATEVER CONTRACT
BEN AFFLECK SIGNED.
WHATEVER!
- [sighs]
I WAS UP FOR A CHALLENGE.
THIS IS GOING TO BE
FAR TOO EASY.
- THE POWER OF CHRIST
COMPELS YOU!
THE POWER OF CHRIST
COMPELS YOU!
- SHUT UP.
[all exclaim]
SO WHO WANTS TO CHOOSE
HOW I WILL KILL THE REST OF YOU?
- BLOWJOBBED TO DEATH?
- YOU GOT IT.
BY RABID HELL HOUNDS.
AND HERE WE--
[crying]
- I'M GOING TO WRITE KATE UPTON
A NOT-SO-NICE YELP REVIEW.
ETHEL, WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE?
- WE'RE DOING AN EXORCISM
ON YOUR CRAZY-ASS DEVIL BABY!
- AND WE ALMOST GOT BLOWJOBS,
UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP!
- CONNIE, WE'VE GOT
TO TRUST THE LORD.
JUST LIKE IT SAY
IN THE BIBLE:
"IF THE EXORCISM
DON'T GO SO BUENO,
THROW THAT GODDAMN BABY
IN A VOLCANO." HA!
- WHAT? NO!
- SORRY, CONNIE,
BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO STOP THE APOCALYPSE.
- YOU'RE LUCKY
WE GOT A VOLCANO RIGHT HERE.
MOST PEOPLE WITH DEVIL BABIES
GOTTA PAY
FOR A PLANE TICKET TO HAWAII.
- SCREW YOU GUYS!
COME ON, DONNIE.
I'LL PROTECT YOU,
I PROMISE!
- GET HER!
THAT BABY OWES US BLOWJOBS!
- ♪ RUN AWAY WITH CUTE BABY!
♪ THEY'RE TRYING
TO KILL MY CUTE BABY! ♪
♪ CUTE, CUTE, CUTE, CUTE
♪ SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT
I BET THEY'LL NEVER FIND ME HERE
AT THE TOP OF THE VOLCANO.
AH, CRAP.
- YOU'VE GOT TO THROW
THE BABY IN, CONNIE.
HE'S THE DEVIL!
- NEVER!
DONNIE IS A PERFECTLY
NORMAL BABY!
- MOM?
- WHAT IS IT, HONEY?
- I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT'S KIND
OF HARD FOR ME TO TELL YOU.
I'M...
- GAY?
- NO, I'M THE SON OF SATAN.
- OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.
- I WAS AFRAID YOU'D--
- GET MAD AND THROW YOU
IN A VOLCANO?
DONNIE, I LOVE YOU
NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
- CONNIE, HE JUST TOLD YOU
HE'S SATAN'S SON!
WHAT DOES IT TAKE, LADY?
- I GOT THIS.
AWW.
HOW COULD I SEPARATE
A MAMA AND HER BABY?
LIKE THIS!
- [grunts]
AHHH!
- [gulps]
- NOOOO!
[crying]
[Satanic laughter]
- OKAY, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
IT ACTUALLY SAYS HERE,
"DO NOT THROW A DEVIL BABY
IN A VOLCANO."
DO NOT.
OKAY, I'M GONNA BE HONEST.
AIN'T NO WORDS
IN THIS BOOK.
- DAMN IT, VERNON!
- NEVER LISTEN TO A MAN
DRUNK ON SNAKE VENOM.
JUST LIKE IT SAY RIGHT HERE
IN THE BIBLE.
- LET THE APOCALYPSE BEGIN!
[laughing]
- OH, SHIT!
- [Satanic laughter]
[all growling]
[both screaming]
- NO, NO, NO!
I SAID, "PUT IT IN HER COOTER,
THEN HER POOTER."
- OHHH!
- THERE!
THANK YOU, PRUNES.
I THINK WE'RE OKAY.
[all yelling]
- OH, WELL.
BRICKLEBERRY LAST MORE SEASON
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
- I GUESS THIS IS IT, GUYS.
- DENZEL, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO CONFESS.
I ATE ONE OF YOUR KIT KATS
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
- OH, WE EVEN.
I [bleep] YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
- ETHEL, I HAVE TO CONFESS.
I MAY HAVE GIVEN YOU
A FEW UNNECESSARY PELVIC EXAMS.
- EVERY STRIPPER
IN MY CLUB HAS A DONG.
- EVEN THE ONE THAT GAVE ME
A TUG JOB ON MY BIRTHDAY?
- [laughing]
ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!
HOO! SHE'S GOT A BIGGY!
- I LOVE YOU GUYS.
- DONALD SUTHERLAND CUNAMAN!
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING,
YOUNG MAN?
I DID NOT RAISE YOU
TO END CREATION!
- MOM!
- YOU CUT IT OUT, RIGHT NOW!
- YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME
IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!
- WELL, IF THEY ONLY LIKE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE CAUSING
THE APOCALYPSE,
THEY'RE NOT REAL FRIENDS,
ARE THEY?
- MOM!
- I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE.
ONE...TWO...
- [sighs]
FINE! WHATEVER!
SORRY, GUYS,
MY MOM IS BEING LAME.
WE'LL DO THIS LATER,
LIKE AFTER SHE DIES
ON AUGUST 30, 2042.
- I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
- I GOTTA GO, MOM.
I KINDA BELONG DOWN THERE.
- MY LITTLE BABY'S
ALL GROWN UP.
- SEE YOU IN HELL, MA.
- SEE YOU IN HELL, SON.
- [growls]
- THE APOCALYPSE IS OVER!
WE'RE SAVED!
[all cheering]
- BUT WHERE'S
WOODY AND MALLOY?
- THIS NEXT EXHIBIT WAS FOUND
IN THE ANCIENT RUINS
OF BRICKLEBERRY PARK.
THESE THREE PEOPLE
AND A SMALL BEAR
WERE COVERED BY LAVA
WHEN A VOLCANO ERUPTED
WHILE THEY WERE HAVING
WHAT APPEARS TO BE A GAY ORGY.
THE BRICKLEBERRY FOUR-WAY
IS ALL WE KNOW
ABOUT WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE
IN THE 21ST CENTURY.
- HMM. IT MUST HAVE BEEN
A PARADISE.
- WE BELIEVE IT WAS.
WE BELIEVE IT WAS.
- OW!
[upbeat music]
♪
BABY EAGLE.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.
[gasps]
- [shrieks]
- MOUNT BRICKLEBERRY
IS A VOLCANO?
[rustling]
- THERE IS MUCH
ABOUT BRICKLEBERRY
YOU DO NOT KNOW,
ETHEL ANDERSON.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW
MY NAME?
- OUR GODS TELL US
MANY THINGS.
- ALSO, ONCE WE GOOGLE
"SPRING BREAK 2008
ANAL CREAMPIE,"
SAFE SEARCH OFF.
YOUR PICTURE COME UP.
- NICE TO MEET YOU
IN PERSON.
- CAN WE GET BACK TO THE PART
ABOUT THE VOLCANO, PLEASE?
- OUR TRIBE HAS LEGEND.
ONE DAY, BRICKLEBERRY
WILL BE NO MORE.
VOLCANO IS SIGN.
- COME WITH US TO
OUR PEOPLE'S MOST HOLY PLACE.
GODS CREATE BRICKLEBERRY.
HOPE IT LAST MANY SEASON.
- BUT ONE DAY,
GODS TIRE OF BRICKLEBERRY.
- SAY, ONCE PEOPLE
OF BRICKLEBERRY ENTERTAIN US,
MAKE US LAUGH.
NOW, NO ONE WATCH
THEIR ADVENTURES.
- SEASONS END.
GODS NOT RENEW.
- PEOPLE SAY, GODS,
BRING BACK BRICKLEBERRY.
START ONLINE PETITION.
GODS NOT LISTEN.
- IF OUR WORLD'S ABOUT TO END,
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK WORRIED?
- BECAUSE WE'RE LOOKING
AT THIS.
- WHOO! SPRING BREAK,
MOTHER[bleep]!
- [donkey brays]
- [screams]
- ♪ BRICKLEBERRY
- SO I SURVEYED THE VOLCANO
AND, SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING,
IT IS VERY UNLIKELY
TO ERUPT.
- WELL, I JUST WANNA SAY,
IF THAT THING DOES ERUPT,
WE WILL NOT EVACUATE!
- WELL, WE'LL KINDA HAVE TO.
- I...DON'T...EVACUATE.
I DIDN'T EVACUATE
DURING THE FOREST FIRES OF '96,
THE FLOOD OF '01,
OR THE--
- WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU EVACUATED DURING KATRINA.
- NO, I SAID I EVACUATED
ON KATRINA.
GREAT GIRL, KATRINA.
I WOULD'VE MARRIED HER
IF SHE WASN'T SUCH A PRUDE
IN THE BEDROOM.
"NO ANAL"
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
- SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT I'M GONNA NEED, LIKE,
A HALF DAY OFF TOMORROW...
TO GIVE BIRTH.
- [gasps]
- WHA-WHA-WHA-WHA-WHAT!
- YOU'RE PREGNANT?
- YEAH, FOR NINE MONTHS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NONE OF YOU
NOTICED MY BABY BUMP.
- YOUR BODY HAS A LOTTA BUMPS.
WE CAN'T KEEP TRACK
OF WHAT THEY ALL ARE.
- WELL, THIS ONE'S A BABY.
WAIT.
NO, THIS ONE'S A BABY.
UH, I THINK.
- I'D LIKE TO MEET THE GUY
THAT HAD SEX WITH YOU.
IS HE STILL IN THERE?
- I'M A SURROGATE MOTHER,
SILLY.
HELPING A NICE GAY COUPLE
HAVE A BABY.
- HANG ON! Y'ALL IGNORING
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
- WHAT? CONNIE NEVER GETS
THIS MUCH ATTENTION.
- HOW IS EVERYBODY SO CALM?
A VOLCANO'S ABOUT TO GO OFF,
AND CONNIE'S OBVIOUSLY
GIVING BIRTH TO THE ANTICHRIST.
IT'S THE END
OF THE MOTHER[bleep] WORLD!
- HERE HE GOES AGAIN.
- YEAH.
- DENZEL, LAST YEAR, YOU SAW
THE FACE OF THE ANTICHRIST
IN 12 DIFFERENT SLICES
OF BURNT TOAST.
- YEAH. MAYBE THE TOASTER
WAS SET ON "ANTI-CRUST."
- [laughing]
[bleep] YOU, TOASTER!
- LAUGH ALL YOU WANT,
BUT I KNOW THE ANTICHRIST.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG,
I SPENT A LOTTA TIME IN CHURCH,
AND MY PREACHER SAID
THE ANTICHRIST WAS REAL.
- [speaking in tongues]
ABBA ABBA FORAY
SEBA DOO-DAH SAH DAH DEY DEY.
OOHRA SULI RAH-DAH-DAH-DIDDY!
AAH DAH DA OH!
- AT LEAST,
THAT'S WHAT I THINK HE SAID.
- DENZEL,
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
- ALL I'M SAYING IS,
VIRGIN BIRTH, NICE-LOOKING?
JESUS CHRIST.
VIRGIN BIRTH, CONNIE-LOOKING?
ANTICHRIST.
- UH, GUYS?
I THINK MY...
YEP, MY WATER BROKE.
all: UGH!
- CONNIE,
YOUR BABY'S GAY PARENTS
SHOULD BE ON THEIR WAY
TO THE HOSPITAL NOW.
- OH, GOOD.
- UH, THEY SHOULD BE,
BUT THEY JUST DIED
IN A HILARIOUS CAR ACCIDENT.
- WHAT!
OH, NO.
- DON'T FRET, CONNIE.
IT'S VERY EASY
TO SELL A WHITE BABY.
KA-CHING!
- NO, I'M KEEPING IT.
- WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
AND BAD FOR DUBAI'S
OPEN AIR BABY-SLAVE MARKET.
NOW, CONNIE, LABOR CAN SOMETIMES
TAKE 24 TO 48 HOURS.
SO PREPARE YOURSELF
FOR A LONG--
- WHOA!
[baby crying]
- DAMN IT, BODEAN.
I TOLD YOU TO PACK OUR SHIT,
NOT OUR SHEEP!
- OH, HEY, WOODY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE EVACUATING LIKE US?
- BOYS, YOU KNOW
I DON'T EVACUATE.
I LAUGH IN THE FACE
OF HURRICANES, EARTHQUAKES,
GODZILLA, EVEN NICKI MINAJ.
BUT JUST BETWEEN US,
I'M TERRIFIED OF VOLCANOES.
- WHY'S THAT?
- HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF POMPEII?
- YEAH, I CAUGHT THAT
BY SCREWING BOBBY'S SISTER.
- YEAH.
SHE GAVE IT TO ME TOO.
- NO, YOU IDIOTS.
POMPEII WAS AN ANCIENT CITY
THAT WAS DESTROYED BY A VOLCANO.
THE PEOPLE
WERE ALL COVERED WITH LAVA,
FROZEN FOREVER DOING WHATEVER
THEY WERE DOING WHEN THEY DIED.
WHAT IF I GET COVERED
WITH LAVA
WHILE I'M DOING
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING?
LIKE THIS GUY.
- THAT'S HOW MY DADDY WENT.
WE HAD TO HAVE
A CLOSED CASKET.
- FOCUS, HILLBILLIES!
NOW I CAN'T HAVE
NO ARCHAEOLOGIST OF THE FUTURE
FINDING ME AND THINKING
I'M SOME KIND OF PERV
JUST 'CAUSE A VOLCANO GOT ME
WHILE I WAS MILKING MY PROSTATE.
FOR HEALTH REASONS.
BOYS, CAN YOU BUILD ME
A SECRET VOLCANO-PROOF BUNKER?
- WE ALREADY GOT ONE.
WE BUILT IT TO SURVIVE
THE OBAMA-LYPSE.
- THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL BABY.
HIS NAME IS DONNIE.
- AWW!
- WHAT A PRETTY NAME!
- THANKS.
I GOT IT OUT OF A BOOK.
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO
GO THROUGH THE OTHER BOOK.
- "BACARDI, LISTERINE,
ARUGULA."
- OH, THERE'S MY SHOPPING LIST.
[laughs]
NOW, CONNIE,
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS,
BUT FEDERAL GUIDELINES DICTATE
THAT I DON'T HAVE
TO LET YOU BREASTFEED AT WORK
UNLESS YOU GOT A REAL SWEET SET
OF MILKIES.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BOOBS?
- BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU ALSO
HAVE A BACK SET?
- AAH! ANTICHRIST!
ANTICHRIST!
- THIS IS GOING TOO FAR,
DENZEL!
- THAT BABY'S EVIL.
I'LL PROVE IT!
- HOW?
- THROUGH SCIENCE.
[cocks gun]
IF I SHOOT IT IN THE FACE
AND IT LIVES, IT'S THE DEVIL.
- OKAY! OKAY!
SHOOT IT
IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP.
- NO!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
MY FRIEND, DENZEL!
HOW COULD YOU SAY THOSE
HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT MY BABY?
[crying]
- IT'S JUST A BABY, DENZEL.
- THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
YOU REALLY UPSET CONNIE.
- NEXT TIME DON'T HESITATE.
AIM FOR THE FONTANELLE.
- ALL RIGHT! ENOUGH WITH
THE BLACK BABY NAMES.
I GUESS I SHOULD APOLOGIZE
TO CONNIE AND DONNIE.
- LEAVE THE GUN!
- FINE!
CONNIE, I'M SORRY...
- [farts]
- UH, DONNIE, I'M NOT GOOD
AT THIS APOLOGY STUFF, BUT...
I'M SORRY I SAID
YOU WERE THE ANTICHRIST.
MAYBE WHEN YOU GROW UP
A LITTLE, YOU AND I CAN--
- [demonic voice]
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
- OH, THANKS, DONNIE.
YOU'RE PRETTY COOL.
WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?
- DENZEL, I'M GOING
TO RIP OUT YOUR DICK
AND FEED IT
TO THE DEMONS OF HELL!
[growling]
- [screaming]
- ♪ OH, WHO'S MY CUTE BABY?
♪ YOU'RE MY CUTE BABY!
♪ I LOVE MY CUTE BABY
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S A CUTE BABY!
♪ CUTE, CUTE, CUTE, CUTE,
BABY, BABY, CUTE! ♪
♪ LOVE HIM! CUTE!
- HE SAID HE WAS GOING
TO RIP MY DICK OFF
AND FEED IT TO A DEMON.
HE THE GODDAMN
ANTICHRIST!
- SERIOUSLY?
THAT SOUNDS HORRIFYING!
I'M ABOUT
TO EAT A HOT POCKET.
YOU WANT TO DOUBLE-CHECK
IT'S NOT BEELZEBUB
BEFORE I POP IT
IN THE MICROWAVE?
- HOT POCKET!
[all laughing]
YOU'RE FAT!
- OKAY, THEN WHY DOES
THAT HAPPEN?
- [humming]
- THERE'S A SIMPLE SCIENTIFIC
EXPLANATION, DENZEL.
CLEARLY, PESTICIDES HAVE
BUILT UP IN THE GROUNDWATER.
[Donnie crying]
[birds chirping]
[birds shrieking]
- AND HOW DOES SCIENCE
EXPLAIN THAT SHIT?
- THERE ARE SEVERAL
AVIAN DISORDERS
THAT CAN CAUSE BIRDS
TO DIE MID-FLIGHT.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT?
- HEY, LOOK!
IT'S A SUNNY CIRCLE
AND A HAPPY STAR!
- AWW.
- YEP.
- THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
- AW, COME ON!
- YOU CAN STAY WITH ME
IN THE BUNKER, CUBSIE WUBSIE.
EVERYONE ELSE WILL
DIE IN A FIRESTORM OF LAVA.
- WHY DON'T WE JUST MOVE,
YOU [bleep] MANIAC!
- AND VOO-LA!
OUR TOP SECRET BUNKER.
- SO IS THIS THE ELEVATOR
TO THE BUNKER?
- ARE YOU SURE THIS THING
IS VOLCANO-PROOF?
- OH, IT'S EVERYTHING-PROOF.
KEEPS OUT ZOMBIES,
DRACULAS, DRAGONS...
- AND JEWS.
- HOT DOG!
IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE!
- AND ONCE THIS DOOR
IS CLOSED,
IT CAN'T EVER BE OPENED
FROM THE OUTSIDE.
EVER.
I MEAN, EV-ER.
- UH-OH, BOBBY.
I THINK WE PUT THE DOOR
ON BACKWARDS.
- HOLY SHIT!
YOU MEAN WE'RE TRAPPED
IN HERE FOREVER?
- OH, NO, NOT FOREVER.
JUST TILL WE DIE.
- WELL, THANKS FOR BOOSTING
MY SPIRITS, [bleep]FACE!
- STEVE,
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PROVE
WHAT THAT BABY REALLY IS.
- [groans]
NOT THIS AGAIN.
- COME ON, STEVE!
THIS VOLCANO BLEW ITS TOP
ON THE DAY DONNIE WAS BORN.
IT'S A SIGN
OF THE APOCALYPSE!
LOOK AT THE CLOUDS
AROUND IT!
[ominous music]
- ALL I SEE IS AN ELEPHANT
FLYING AN AIRPLANE AND--
WAIT, WHAT'S THAT?
A GIRAFFE WITH TITTIES.
- DAMN, YOU STUPID, STEVE.
- HEY, CONNIE.
HOW'S THE BABY?
- I'VE COME TO REALIZE
THAT DONNIE IS DIFFERENT
FROM OTHER BABIES.
- IT'S ABOUT TIME!
WE GOTTA KILL--
- HE'S GIFTED!
HE'S SO SMART,
HE LIKES WATCHING BABY EINSTEIN
VIDEOS BACKWARDS.
LOOK.
- KILL, KILL, KILL.
SA--SA-TAN.
- SATAN.
MY SWEET SATAN.
- IT'S WEIRD.
I LEARN AS MUCH FROM DONNIE
AS HE LEARNS FROM ME.
LIKE TODAY, HE'S BEEN
TEACHING ME BIBLICAL ARAMAIC!
- AL ES-BATAAR QUMRAN
ISKATU RAKANOTH!
- ISN'T HE THE CUTIE-WUTEST?
- SO, UM, CONNIE?
HOW EXACTLY
WAS THIS BABY CONCEIVED?
- IT WAS A PRETTY STANDARD
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.
- OKAY, MY DEAR,
THIS WON'T TAKE A MINUTE.
[all chanting]
AVE SATANAS! SANGUIS BIBIMUS!
- [roaring]
- OH, HELL, NO.
YOU GUYS ARE MESSING
WITH ME, RIGHT?
- THANKS FOR COMING BY,
BUT I GOTTA FEED DONNIE NOW.
- SO WE'RE STUCK DOWN HERE
THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
- AT LEAST YOU'RE OLD
AND NEAR DEATH.
THINK OF ME.
- GREAT! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO NOW?
- REPOPULATE THE EARTH!
WHO WANTS SOME?
- ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO?
- I DID INSTALL
AN ACTIVITY CENTER.
WHO WANTS TO PLAY SORRY?
- UH, BOBBY?
ALL THE PIECES ARE MISSING.
- DAMN YOU, GOODWILL!
- OH, YOU TWO MORONS
ARE REALLY FIRING UP
MY IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
NOW WHERE'S THE SHITTER
IN THIS TOOTINCOMMON TOOL SHED?
- OH, IT'S RIGHT OVER--
UH, UH, EH...
SHIT!
WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?
- WELL, REMEMBER, BOBBY,
YOU DECIDED TO GO
WITH THE CROWN MOLDING
INSTEAD OF THE TOILET.
- WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA THINK
ABOUT RESALE VALUE.
- NO BATHROOM?
I'VE GOT TO GO!
- TRY TO TAKE YOUR MIND
OFF OF IT.
HERE, HAVE A SNACK.
- WE GOT PRUNES, COFFEE,
REFRIED BEANS.
AND FOR DESSERT WE GOT THEM
CHOCOLATE EX-LAX CANDIES.
- [grunts]
- SORRY I DOUBTED YOU, DENZEL.
- DON'T SWEAT IT.
WE JUST NEED SOME HELP FROM...
PREACHER VERNON?
- EH?
- THE ANTICHRIST HAS COME.
JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
- I SAID THAT?
- UH, KIND OF.
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
- LET ME SEE
WHAT THE SNAKES SAY.
[snakes hissing]
OH, HE LIKE TO BITE.
GOTTA PUT HIM BACK.
THEY SAY...
WE GOT TO DO A EXORCISM.
- DID YOU SAY "EXORCISM"?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I GOT A LOT OF SNAKE VENOM-
RELATED BRAIN MALFUNCTION.
WHERE AM I?
WHO PUT THESE SNAKES
IN MY PANTS?
- ♪ OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM,
E-I-E-I-O! ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM,
HE HAD A... ♪
- CACODAEMON.
- CACODAEMON? OKAY.
♪ WITH A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ HERE, AND A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ THERE. HERE A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ THERE A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ EVERYWHERE A...
- [demonic growl]
- ♪ OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM
both: ♪ E-I-E-I-O!
- OH, ANTICHRISTS LOVE
OLD MACDONALD.
JUST LIKE IT SAY
IN THE BIBLE.
- OKAY. WE GOT HOLY WATER,
SHARPENED STAKES,
AND A DVD OF EVIL DEAD 3
FOR HIM TO SIGN.
WE READY.
- BUT WHAT CHANCE
DO THE THREE OF US HAVE
AGAINST THE PRINCE OF EVIL?
- THE FOUR OF US.
I'M IN.
- I THOUGHT
YOU ONLY BELIEVED IN SCIENCE.
- OH, I DID,
THEN I BABY-SAT LITTLE DONNIE.
HE PUKED UP
A GIANT LIZARD BAT,
THEN SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY MOM
SUCKING [bleep] IN HELL.
[bleep] SCIENCE.
LET'S EXORCISE THAT BITCH!
- ALL RIGHT!
EVERYBODY GRAB A SNAKE!
NOW LADY, FEEL FREE TO GRAB
THE ONE-EYED BLACK ONE,
BUT DON'T YOU DARE
TOUCH MY PENIS.
THAT BELONG TO JESUS.
- HI, CONNIE, I--
- SHH! IT'S LITTLE DONNIE'S
NAP TIME.
HE CAN'T SLEEP
UNLESS I PLAY CLASSICAL MUSIC.
[ominous music]
♪
IT'S BECAUSE
HE'S SO INTELLIGENT.
DO YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?
[demonic growl]
- NO!
[music stops]
I MEAN,
I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU
THE WHOLE GANG SPRANG
FOR A SPA DAY FOR YOU!
BECAUSE YOU MUST BE SO TIRED
FROM TAKING CARE OF A NEWBORN,
NOT EVIL BABY.
- [groans]
I AM PRETTY WORN OUT.
DONNIE DRANK MOST
OF MY BLOOD FOR LUNCH.
- MMM!
WELL, STEVE AND DENZEL
AND THEIR FRIEND
CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE CARE
OF DONNIE.
- WELL, MAYBE
FOR A FEW MINUTES.
I'M SO EXCITED!
I CAN'T BELIEVE KATE UPTON
HAS A SIDE BUSINESS
WHERE SHE GIVES
EROTIC MASSAGES TO COMPLETION.
- YEP.
SHE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
JUST RELAX.
LET'S GET RID OF THOSE
PUFFY BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES!
[light saber sound effects]
- ZAP, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
- ZZZZZ!
WOO WOO WOO!
- ZIBBY ZAP ZAP ZAP.
- SHOOM. BOOM!
- BOOM, ZAM.
- BRING IT ON, DARTH,
YOU BIG BLACK SON OF A BITCH.
- [mimicking filtered breathing]
LUKE, I AM YOUR DADDY.
- NO. WAIT.
ARE YOU SERIOUS, BOBBY?
- I'MA KILL YOU!
I'MA KILL YOU!
- [bleep] YOU!
GET OFF ME!
GET OFF ME!
- THIS IS DEFINITELY BETTER
THAN THOSE HORRIBLE PREQUELS.
- [grunts]
I'M PRAIRIE DOGGING.
- QUIET! LUKE'S ABOUT
TO BITE ANAKIN'S NOSE OFF.
- OH, I GOTTA
TAKE A SHIT SO BIG
KIM KARDASHIAN
MAY TRY TO MARRY IT.
I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
[yelling]
AHA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
UH-OH.
- THIS IS IT?
YOU FOUR THINK
YOU CAN STOP ME?
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
HE'LL USE HIS LIES TO TRY
TO MAKE US TURN ON EACH OTHER.
- THE PREACHER SAID
YOU'RE A PUSSY.
- WHAT?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- LIKE THAT.
THAT'S A GOOD EXAMPLE
OF WHAT WE SHOULDN'T LET HIM DO.
- [laughing]
- OH, LAUGH NOW, ANTICHRIST.
BECAUSE SURPRISE!
WE'VE ASSEMBLED
AN EXORCISM DREAM TEAM!
FATHER QUINN!
- I'M GOING TO NEED TO BE ALONE
WITH THE CHILD.
YOU DON'T HAVE
A NANNY CAM, RIGHT?
- RABBI MALTZMAN!
- NO, NO.
YOU STAY IN THERE, DEMON.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE COMFORTABLE.
I SCHLEPPED ALL THE WAY HERE
FROM BROOKLYN.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
- AND WITCH DOCTOR KUZNIAK!
- LUCKY FOR US, I WENT
TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN HAITI.
- AND JORGE,
WHO'S SEEN THE EXORCIST
7 1/2 TIMES
AND LET US USE HIS CAR.
- I'M NOT WITH THEM!
I'M ON YOUR SIDE!
- JORGE, SHUT UP.
- COME ON,
LET ME SELL YOU MY SOUL.
I'LL SIGN WHATEVER CONTRACT
BEN AFFLECK SIGNED.
WHATEVER!
- [sighs]
I WAS UP FOR A CHALLENGE.
THIS IS GOING TO BE
FAR TOO EASY.
- THE POWER OF CHRIST
COMPELS YOU!
THE POWER OF CHRIST
COMPELS YOU!
- SHUT UP.
[all exclaim]
SO WHO WANTS TO CHOOSE
HOW I WILL KILL THE REST OF YOU?
- BLOWJOBBED TO DEATH?
- YOU GOT IT.
BY RABID HELL HOUNDS.
AND HERE WE--
[crying]
- I'M GOING TO WRITE KATE UPTON
A NOT-SO-NICE YELP REVIEW.
ETHEL, WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE?
- WE'RE DOING AN EXORCISM
ON YOUR CRAZY-ASS DEVIL BABY!
- AND WE ALMOST GOT BLOWJOBS,
UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP!
- CONNIE, WE'VE GOT
TO TRUST THE LORD.
JUST LIKE IT SAY
IN THE BIBLE:
"IF THE EXORCISM
DON'T GO SO BUENO,
THROW THAT GODDAMN BABY
IN A VOLCANO." HA!
- WHAT? NO!
- SORRY, CONNIE,
BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO STOP THE APOCALYPSE.
- YOU'RE LUCKY
WE GOT A VOLCANO RIGHT HERE.
MOST PEOPLE WITH DEVIL BABIES
GOTTA PAY
FOR A PLANE TICKET TO HAWAII.
- SCREW YOU GUYS!
COME ON, DONNIE.
I'LL PROTECT YOU,
I PROMISE!
- GET HER!
THAT BABY OWES US BLOWJOBS!
- ♪ RUN AWAY WITH CUTE BABY!
♪ THEY'RE TRYING
TO KILL MY CUTE BABY! ♪
♪ CUTE, CUTE, CUTE, CUTE
♪ SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT
I BET THEY'LL NEVER FIND ME HERE
AT THE TOP OF THE VOLCANO.
AH, CRAP.
- YOU'VE GOT TO THROW
THE BABY IN, CONNIE.
HE'S THE DEVIL!
- NEVER!
DONNIE IS A PERFECTLY
NORMAL BABY!
- MOM?
- WHAT IS IT, HONEY?
- I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT'S KIND
OF HARD FOR ME TO TELL YOU.
I'M...
- GAY?
- NO, I'M THE SON OF SATAN.
- OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.
- I WAS AFRAID YOU'D--
- GET MAD AND THROW YOU
IN A VOLCANO?
DONNIE, I LOVE YOU
NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
- CONNIE, HE JUST TOLD YOU
HE'S SATAN'S SON!
WHAT DOES IT TAKE, LADY?
- I GOT THIS.
AWW.
HOW COULD I SEPARATE
A MAMA AND HER BABY?
LIKE THIS!
- [grunts]
AHHH!
- [gulps]
- NOOOO!
[crying]
[Satanic laughter]
- OKAY, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
IT ACTUALLY SAYS HERE,
"DO NOT THROW A DEVIL BABY
IN A VOLCANO."
DO NOT.
OKAY, I'M GONNA BE HONEST.
AIN'T NO WORDS
IN THIS BOOK.
- DAMN IT, VERNON!
- NEVER LISTEN TO A MAN
DRUNK ON SNAKE VENOM.
JUST LIKE IT SAY RIGHT HERE
IN THE BIBLE.
- LET THE APOCALYPSE BEGIN!
[laughing]
- OH, SHIT!
- [Satanic laughter]
[all growling]
[both screaming]
- NO, NO, NO!
I SAID, "PUT IT IN HER COOTER,
THEN HER POOTER."
- OHHH!
- THERE!
THANK YOU, PRUNES.
I THINK WE'RE OKAY.
[all yelling]
- OH, WELL.
BRICKLEBERRY LAST MORE SEASON
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
- I GUESS THIS IS IT, GUYS.
- DENZEL, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO CONFESS.
I ATE ONE OF YOUR KIT KATS
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
- OH, WE EVEN.
I [bleep] YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
- ETHEL, I HAVE TO CONFESS.
I MAY HAVE GIVEN YOU
A FEW UNNECESSARY PELVIC EXAMS.
- EVERY STRIPPER
IN MY CLUB HAS A DONG.
- EVEN THE ONE THAT GAVE ME
A TUG JOB ON MY BIRTHDAY?
- [laughing]
ESPECIALLY THAT ONE!
HOO! SHE'S GOT A BIGGY!
- I LOVE YOU GUYS.
- DONALD SUTHERLAND CUNAMAN!
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING,
YOUNG MAN?
I DID NOT RAISE YOU
TO END CREATION!
- MOM!
- YOU CUT IT OUT, RIGHT NOW!
- YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME
IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!
- WELL, IF THEY ONLY LIKE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE CAUSING
THE APOCALYPSE,
THEY'RE NOT REAL FRIENDS,
ARE THEY?
- MOM!
- I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE.
ONE...TWO...
- [sighs]
FINE! WHATEVER!
SORRY, GUYS,
MY MOM IS BEING LAME.
WE'LL DO THIS LATER,
LIKE AFTER SHE DIES
ON AUGUST 30, 2042.
- I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.
- I GOTTA GO, MOM.
I KINDA BELONG DOWN THERE.
- MY LITTLE BABY'S
ALL GROWN UP.
- SEE YOU IN HELL, MA.
- SEE YOU IN HELL, SON.
- [growls]
- THE APOCALYPSE IS OVER!
WE'RE SAVED!
[all cheering]
- BUT WHERE'S
WOODY AND MALLOY?
- THIS NEXT EXHIBIT WAS FOUND
IN THE ANCIENT RUINS
OF BRICKLEBERRY PARK.
THESE THREE PEOPLE
AND A SMALL BEAR
WERE COVERED BY LAVA
WHEN A VOLCANO ERUPTED
WHILE THEY WERE HAVING
WHAT APPEARS TO BE A GAY ORGY.
THE BRICKLEBERRY FOUR-WAY
IS ALL WE KNOW
ABOUT WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE
IN THE 21ST CENTURY.
- HMM. IT MUST HAVE BEEN
A PARADISE.
- WE BELIEVE IT WAS.
WE BELIEVE IT WAS.
- OW!
[upbeat music]
♪