Brickleberry (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Miracle Lake - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.
Sync & corrections by: sudione

Hell yeah!

That's it? I guess I gotta
pull out the big guns.

Hey! What the hell do
you think you're doing?

Huh? Fishing, dumbass! I'm
Firecracker Jim, God damn it!

Fishing? With dynamite?

Yeah. You signed the damn permit.

I need to start reading those things.

Don't worry. I'm an explosives expert.

Oops.

Shit!



Oh, my God! It's a miracle!

You're damn right it
is. I can touch my Peter!

dBrickleberry!

dBrickleberry!

We're all gonna miss Edith.

I feel so lucky that I got to
know my great-great-grandmother.

Thank you all for coming. I know...

Wait, wait, wait. I'd
like to say a few words.

Edith was very special to me.

Every time we made sweet love was
like our first time, at least for her.

- She had Alzheimer's.
- Who the [Bleep] is this guy?

She used to love my poetry.

Here's one more for you, Edith.

Edith was a little racist.



She said she did not like black faces.

But I had a black part that
she loved with her heart,

and that part broke
her hip in five places.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I'm sorry, Denzel.

Looks like you're taking
Edith's death pretty hard, huh?

What? No. She was 112 years old.

That bitch should've
been dead 30 years ago.

I'm sad because I made love
to the oldest woman on Earth.

I've done it all now.
Where do I go from here?

Hell?

So, what's this big, important news?

Yeah, Woody, what are we doing... uh!

Yes!

Oh, my God. She's completely healed.

And my rash is gone.

I wonder if it cures bitch.

I think my hymen just grew back.

Don't worry. It'll be
gone after happy hour.

Rangers, old Woody has
discovered a miracle.

As you can see, this lake cures any
ailment, from the common cold to cancer.

You could have just told us.

Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.

How were you sure it would work?

Connie could have... uh!

I could get used to this.

There must be a scientific explanation.

Yeah, asshole, there is.

I was chosen by God to heal the sick.

And another reason
not to believe in God.

The Lord works in mysterious ways,
and right now, he wants me to be rich.

Sick people, lost souls,
deep pockets, blah blah blah.

Religion equals money! Now,
we've got a lot of work to do.

Work? You were supposed to
take me snowboarding today.

Sorry. No time, Cubbykins.

Daddy is God's prophet now,
and I do plan to profit.

Yeah. Another scam that'll
blow up in your face.

I want to shred the
slopes like Shaun White.

He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.

Shred the slope? You've
never even seen snow.

Wait. You've never seen snow?

Could somebody explain to the
diversity hire that bears hibernate?

That means sleep for a long time, Denzel,
something you should be familiar with.

Take it easy on Denzel.

He's had a rough day... uh!

What's wrong, Denzel?

Ever since I was a
little boy, I had a dream.

And then, I realized that dream.

And now...

Shit!

Sorry, I couldn't listen
to any more of that.

God, this would be so much more
satisfying if that lake wasn't there.

Connie, Steve, go round
up every sick, gullible,

emotionally needy, dumbass,
lonely loser with a bank account.

Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy
up the mountain to snowboard.

- Stat!
- So, that's it?

You're gonna exploit this lake?

Exploit the lake and help
the sick and disabled.

Imagine what they'll do
with a new lease on life.

Oh, my God!

Honey, ever since I blew my arms and
legs off, I've been dying to do this.

Oh! Oh, Lord!

- Oh! Oh, God, yeah.
- Mmm! Mmm, oh!

Oh! Oh, Jim! Oh, Lord!

Oh! Oh, Jim! Oh!

Damn. Malloy, are you really
gonna use all this junk?

Are you really gonna bitch
the whole way up this mountain?

All right, almost there...

You spoiled little shit.

- Little what'd you say?
- I said, "nice hat."

Oh, thank you.

Okay, we're here.

Watch this.

All right. I can't snowboard.

And I can't stand
this white, cold stuff.

Uh, that's snow.

This is snow? You should've told me!

It sucks! Let's get out of here.

That's it? A five-hour hike for that?

No, uh-uh. We ain't leaving this spot
till you build a snowman or some shit.

Guys, I found some rope.

You'll probably want to hang
yourself before you freeze to death.

All right, this isn't so hard.

Praise Jesus and good morning!

We'd like to tell you
about Miracle Lake.

Praise jes...

Praise... prai...

- Praise Jesus, and good mor...
- Let me stop you right there.

We're Scientologists.

Come on in. We'll tell you about it.

Oh, no, scientology is
only for the weak-minded.

We're not falling for that.

I can't believe we're
Scientologists now.

Don't worry, I'm sure we
can quit any time we want.

What the hell are you doing here?

We're here to spread our
message of peace and love.

Oh, no, you don't!

We're spreading our message of
peace and love, you [Bleep]suckers!

"Abraham begat Isaac,
Isaac begat Jacob."

Woody "be-gatting" a headache!

God! Why the hell did
you write this gibberish?

Oh, hey, Malloy.
Where's Ethel and Denzel?

Freezing to death in an ice cave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ice cave, that's nice.

Good morning, brothers and sisters!

- You suck!
- Okay.

Welcome to the Miracle
Lake Church of God,

his holy mistress Mary, and
their love child, the baby Jesus.

Please put your praying hands together!

And welcome to the stage God's BFF...

Reverend Woody!

Amen! Hallelujah!

Miracles? Oh, brothers and
sisters, have I seen miracles!

Like when, uh... shit, uh, like when
Moses turned, uh, fish into wine.

Or like when the Holy Ghost
gave birth to Adam and Eve.

Who's with me?

Hey, I didn't write this crap, okay?

The point is, this lake before
you is the greatest miracle of all.

Well, what do we have here?

- I'm blind.
- I can see that.

I'm not blind.

Now, what can I do you for?
Fix your bum knee or something?

Okay, okay. You don't
have to get an attitude.

By the power of
Grayskull, alakazam! Poom!

It's a miracle! I can see! I can see!

But I can't swim.

Oh, my God, I've got to start
getting the money up front.

All right, I'm in.

Jesus saves, but he doesn't trust banks.

Cash only, people.

This is by far the
best idea I've ever had.

What? Your idea?

But this is small potatoes.
Real evangelists make big money.

I'll whip you into shape.

In the beginning, God
created heaven and heaven.

Ow!

Earth! You hesitated.

Real evangelists know the Bible front...

To back.

Jesus Christ!

Good. Crying on command.
That's lesson two.

Now let's cover showmanship.

Dance!

Faster!

Enough! Even God rested
on the fourth day!

Ow! Seventh!

Where are we?

We fell into some kind of ice cavern.

This must have been a
glacier, frozen over years ago.

Oh, my God.

That looks like a Neanderthal
woman frozen in ice.

She must be at least 400,000 years old.

Uh, that's more than 112, right?

Yeah. First off, we've got to... hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm [Bleep] this bitch. [Taps ice]

Lights go up.

Cue the music.

Cue the blacks.

dLet me tell you a little
story about this here lake.

dTalking about Miracle Lake.

dMichael J. Fox jumped
in now he don't shake.

dTalking about Miracle Lake.

dWe got Stephen Hawking,
walking, and talking.

dYeah!

dMiracle Lake.

dMiracle Lake.

dMiracle Lake.

dIf you got cancer,
this lake's the answer.

dMiracle Lake.

dYou got Crohn's disease,
well put your mind at ease.

dMiracle Lake.

dIf you've got glaucoma,
well make yourself at home.

dMiracle Lake.

dThrombosis, cirrhosis, it
will change your prognosis.

dMiracle Lake.

dYou've got irritable
bowel, jump in, grab a towel.

dMiracle Lake.

dIf you have leukemia...

Bulimia? "Emphysemia"?

Screw it! Just jump in!

dMiracle Lake.

dMiracle Lake.

dTake me to the water right now.

dMiracle Lake.

dJump on in it's a Miracle.

dMiracle Lake.

dYeah, Lord!

dMiracle Lake.

dYeah, yeah, yeah!

dUh-huh.

dYeah, yeah, yeah!

I can't believe we made the greatest
archaeological find of all time,

and you just want to bang it.

- Yeah. What's wrong with that?
- Everything, you freaking weirdo!

And, in case you didn't
notice, we're trapped.

We could die in here! Don't you get it?

Oh, I'm about to get it. No condoms.

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Oh, I never leave home
without my emergency sex pack.

Excuse me. I got
business to take care of.

Now, baby, I know you probably
feeling a little jetlagged

by traveling 400,000 years into
the future, so let me catch you up.

Dinosaurs are dead,
we landed on the moon,

and they made a sequel to Dirty
Dancing called Havana Nights.

Now let's get down to business.

I'm gonna make you feel
right at home, girl.

Oh, yabba dabba do me!

Got it! Not a Flintstones fan.

Hey, where are the key lights?

Careful with the stained glass.

Come on, people, TV crews
are covering this live.

Just think of how much
more money we'll make

when millions of people see firsthand
what a gentle, godly man I really am.

Who's that Dick on a stick?

I wanted a blue-eyed
Jesus, not a Jew-guy Jesus!

I feel like I'm praying
to my goddamn accountant!

- How much did all this cost?
- I don't know!

A shitload. Ask my accountant.

The man is right. It cost a shitload.

I have to apologize for my
behavior a little earlier.

Let's get to know each other.

Denzel.

- Krog.
- Krog? That's a beautiful name.

Aah! No! Stop! Let me go!

Man, what the hell?

Oh, I see.

Y'all liked it rough
back in the ice age. Okay.

Krog like talking shadow.

That's racist as hell, but I like it.

Krog give happy cave to you.

Damn! That's some B.C. bush right there.

Okay, how do you like it?

Maybe we start out
Missionary, and then...

Oh!

Whoa! Take it easy! Take it easy!

Aah! Aah! Oh, no!

Slow up! It don't bend that way!

Ah! That was wonderful, baby. I
wish I could stay here forever.

Denzel, I made it to the top!

Gotta go!

Yep, that's right, Guinness
Book of World Records!

400,000 years old.

Herman, Paddy, Liam! A new world record!

Oldest white woman
[Bleep] by a black man!

Hooray!

Whew! That's done.

What? What are you doing here?

Krog love. We mate for life.

What you talking about, Krog?

My chillins, if you want
to heal, you've got to give.

You gotta give till it hurts!

You gotta give until you say, "ow!"

Your kids don't need Christmas.

The Devil made up Christmas!

What's a college education
got on spiritual rejuvenation?

Ooh, all material things are evil!

Except for the Jesus
jet, which is awesome!

Oh, brothers and sisters,
it's healing time!

Who's first?

Me, me! Pick me!

We've got a harelip here.

I repeat, a harelip.
This guy is a gold mine.

A hilarious gold mine.

And what is your name, my son?

Menjamin Mippman.

His name is Cinnamon Biscuit.

By the power vested in me by God!

And Mel Gibson's movies!

I now pronounce you healed!

- Oh, did it nerk?
- What the...? You're healed again!

Did it nerk nat nime?

Heal, heal, you
harelipped son of a bitch!

Heal!

Uh, Cinnamon, you okay?

Mr. Biscuits? Mr. Biscuits!

Oh, great, it worked that
time. My harelip is gone.

See? I can speak normal now.

I don't sound ridiculous no more.

Praise Jesus! Another miracle!

He stole our money! Get him!

Crucify him!

- He's a fraud!
- He's evil!

- String him up!
- What are you doing?

Hey! No!

- Crucify him!
- Come on, man!

- Kill him!
- People, please.

Is this any way to treat a man of God?

Yeah, what if they
had done this to Jesus?

Shut the [Bleep] up, Steve.

Reverend Woody just needs
to have a conversation

with his friend and
business partner, God.

I promise the lake will be
up and running in no time.

The most important thing to
remember is, no one needs a refund.

Can we at least stone his ass?

I don't see why not. Ten
bucks a rock sound fair?

You know, this is not... ow! Ow! Hey!

Whoa! Whoa! Gaah! Hey! Ooh!

Now, Krog, I like you, but, uh, I'm not
really ready for a serious relationship.

What are these rocks and bones for?

Wait, are you moving your stuff in?

- What are you doing to my walls?
- Krog redecorate.

What the hell is this shit? A
stick man fighting a buffalo?

- I gotta get some air.
- You not go.

You never leave Krog.

Are you happy now, Dick?

I don't want to do this anymore, Malloy.

Those people are monsters.

Hey, this money train ain't
stopping. Now, try again.

Oh, God, please return
the power to this lake...

For the sick people.

- And for the money.
- He knows about the money, Malloy!

God! Can you hear me, God?

Yes, Woody, I can.

- You're not God.
- No, but I do play him for a living.

Anyway, where's this Miracle Lake
I've heard about? I could use a dip.

I've got the most
bothersome case of penis pox.

Well, this used to be Miracle
Lake, but she don't work no more.

Oh, you don't want to go in that lake.

Why, that's where I dump
all my medical waste.

Medical waste?

So that's the reason
this lake had powers?

Why the hell did you dump
medical waste in there anyway?

Well, you did sign this permit.

Whew! I gotta stop getting
drunk and signing permits.

How's it going, Captain Caveman?

Not good. Krog's crazy.

She had me locked in my cabin for days.

I had to distract her with a crudely
carved wheel and jump out the window.

Wow, I can't believe
thawing out and making love

to a 400,000-year-old
Neanderthal didn't work out.

It looked so good on paper.

Ethel, you've got to help me!

Well, I do have three ex-boyfriends
who work at the Natural History Museum.

Well, four if you count the janitor.
I'm sure they'd take her off your hands.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Are they gonna do a bunch of
crazy-ass E.T. experiments on her?

- Probably.
- Good, [Bleep] that bitch up.

There she is! A living,
breathing Neanderthal.

We can't be too careful.
She looks strong.

Uh!

Wait, wait, back up.

So you're telling me that it was medical
waste that gave this lake its power?

- So it would appear.
- Well, there's only one thing to do.

- Tell people the truth.
- Dump in more medical waste.

Yeah. What the hell was
I thinking? The truth.

Don't look at me,
fellows. I'm fresh out.

But I do keep a meticulous inventory
of my illegal dumping for tax purposes.

Good thinking.

If you recreate the batch, it
should have the same effect.

Aah!

Where you been? Krog worried sick.

Oh, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be stuffed
in a museum or some shit.

- What happened?
- Amazing news today.

A prehistoric ice woman was
found in a National Park.

Oh, eeh!

Scientists plan to do a bunch of
crazy-ass E.T., experiments on her.

Uh, I'm sorry, baby.

Oh, how about I make you a fancy dinner?

I'll grab the Kool-Aid.
You grab the fish sticks.

Okay, baby.

- Let me out! Let me out!
- Don't worry.

I'll thaw you out when I'm
ready for a serious relationship

in about 400,000 years, you
crazy-ass cro-magnon bitch.

Kill him!

Dump it! Hurry, dump
it! Dump it! Dump it!

It's working.

It's working! We're back!

Hear me ye sick and dying losers!

Miracle Lake is back in business!

Let's do a mass healing!

Everybody in! The waters fine!

Well we did it Doc.

I can't believe we were able to
recreate your medical waste exactly.

What are the odds we'd find a three
pound two ounce Armenian fetus?

Armenian fetus? Oh drat
my sloppy handwriting.

That says two pound
three ounce Iranian fetus.

Iranian, Armenian, what
difference could it make?

- Oh.
- It's a miracle!

What did you do? All these people are...

- Malloy, it doesn't heal people anymore.
- Yeah, I know.