Breaking In (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Tis Better to Have Loved and Flossed - full transcript

Greetings and salutations.

I'm sorry we can't meet face-to-face,

but I do understand why.

Now if you're looking
for top-notch security,

there ain't a notch above
my team here at Contra.

Banks, armored cars...
We break in and test your security

before the bad guys can.
There's Melanie Garcia,

first-rate lock picker
and surveillance expert.

Target's on the move.

We've got one shot at this job,
and failure is not an option.

Cameron Price-slickest
hacker on the West Coast.



I got this.
And we're in the city's traffic grid.

Josh, you're good to go.

Josh Armstrong, our master of disguise.

Detouring the truck now.

Now! Now, Cash!
Now! Go!

And there's Cash, our gadget man.

The rabbit's in the trap!
It's either now or never!

You ready?
Let's do this.

I assure you there's no
better crew in the business.

What the hell are you doing?!
We're gonna need one order

of your delicious onion rings, stat!

Come on! We need them now!
Fry like the wind, woman!

And the best part is... here's your lunch

my team will do anything I tell them.



Okay, work time.

Now this morning, while you guys
were out fiddling your diddles,

I landed us a cush new gig.
We've been hired

by some rich, crazy old lady
to test her home security.

There's a safe inside her living room.

She wants to see if you guys can break in,

crack it, and get out.
The suburbs?

Don't we, like, do more
high-tech stuff here?

I gotta agree, Oz.
Robbing an old lady's child's play.

Trust me. I know. Thanks.
Enjoy the cookies...

While I enjoy your purse.

You know, your childhood sounds fun.

Mine was ravaged by scoliosis.
Okay, enough chitchat.

I want this job handled pronto.
Melanie, you're in charge.

Uh, yeah, but I still haven't
closed that bank job,

so can't we please find another lead?

I can do it. I - I don't mind.

I mean, I-if it'll make your
life easier or whatever.

Oh, the new guy stepping up- me likey!

I knight thee "Team Leader."
There can be only one.

Is that "Highlander"?

Yes, it is, and so is this sword.

I won it off Sir Sean Connery
in a heated game of beer pong.

Instead of beer, we used scotch.
Instead of pong,

we used rifles, so I guess we
sort of played scotch rifles.

That's beside the point.
I want this job handled A.S.A.P.

No questions.
Why so secretive?

I-I know, but who's the old lady?
Fine, but at least tell us

what's in the safe.
Any carnival psychic

could come up with generic
sentences like that.

Oh, and, Cameron...

Hey, thank you for volunteering.

Seriously, you just made
my life way easier.

Ah, least I could do.

How does he know what we're saying?
Yeah, Oz reads lips.

Of course he does.

Have a seat, cupcake.

Just wanna make sure my trusted team leader

took the job for all the right reasons.

Yeah, figured it was an easy job,

might as well get another
"W" under my belt.

That "W" stand for "whipped"?

Whipped? By Melanie?

Hilarious.

Thanks for dogsitting Charlie this weekend.

Least I could do.

And he's done.

It's none of your business.
Your business is my business.

You're my star hacker. I need you focused.

Don't get involved with difficult women.

It won't end well. Trust me.

I've dated some daffy doozies in my day.
But you're not me,

so I'm gonna solve your
little Melanie situation

with a little patented Oz wisdom.

Move on, muchacho!

She's too much woman for you,
and she has a boyfriend.

Who happens to be a sketchy mega douche.

Melly bean!

Dutch! Hey.

Something wrong?
Yeah, something's wrong.

I forgot to kiss you good-bye this morning.

I can't start my day without it.

Oh, my God.

Wow. You are boned.

Our target-2358 James Drive.

Here's the plan.
It's real complicated stuff.

Our entry point will be...

The door.

Mel will crack the old lady's safe,

Cash will score us some lemon
bars from the kitchen,

and then the big finale...
We leave before she's back

from her early-bird dinner.

That brings us to the next part
of our plan-today's lunch.

Paninis on me.

Technically, it's panino.

See, "panini" is plural.

Many panini, one panino.

So now you know.

This is why you get no "vagino."
So now you know.

Shut it.

You haven't even noticed that
hot-tay with the latte...

Totally eye-humping you again.

Damn it. I hate when Oz is right.

I mean, I am too fixated on Melanie.
Look at that girl.

Okay, here's what we do.

We follow her out to her
car when she leaves,

get her license plate number,
take that to the D.M.V.,

get her name, hack into her e-mail account,

find out what type of bedsheets she likes,

then we buy a set.
Now here's where it gets a little weird...

We're gonna need a sample of her hair.

Why don't I just go talk to her?

Like in Chatroulette?
In person?

That's ballsy. Cam, that's too ballsy.

Cam.

Hey.
Hi.

You need some help?

Oh, this happens all the time.

It's an old computer.
I just need to get another one.

Or I can help you clean up your registry.

Okay.

Here.

Okay.

Now you're back into...

Yeah,

dying of embarrassment.

But for the record, I haven't
officially signed up yet.

I don't know. 50 bucks a month
seems kinda high to meet

some divorced guy looking
for a pity bang, you know?

Yeah, totally.

Check this out.

Site's free, your profile's invisible,

and now you get more bang for your buck.

That is the coolest/uncoolest
thing I've ever seen.

Thank you. I work in security.
I hack for a living.

You're kidding. What a coincidence.

I hack plaque. I'm a dentist.
Oh.

And in my professional opinion,

you have a very nice smile.

Nice line. I assume you've used it before?

Uh, just with the guys I
wanna drill in my chair.

Yeah, that didn't come out right.

No. No, I got it.
Sex, right?

I'm Amy, by the way.

Cam. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.

Amy is amazing. She's smart. She's funny.

She listens to me.
She's- too good to be true.

- Okay, what's the catch here?
A wonky eye? Baby arm? - No.

Testicles? No.
I mean, maybe she's a little older

than the girls I usually
date, but I like that.

No drama, no humping dogs. It's awesome.

Okay, I know it is, man.
Older woman. That cougar.

Oh, my boy is tappin' the grave!

♪ Tappin' the grave, oh ♪

Uh, no. * Tappin' the grave *
All right, Cash. I... Yeah.

Tappin' the grave, tappin' the grave.
Open the coffin...

Hey, who's tappin' the grave?

No-no one. No one.
No one is tapping anything.

No, no. He's doing the
"tappin' the grave" dance.

That's what's up.

Wait a second. Are you the tapper?

No.
You tappin'!

I don't even... Come on!
I'm proud of you! Get in there!

Yeah, you little devil!
Okay,

all right. All right, enough tap talk.

I think Oz would rather us focus on the job

and-and-and not my love life.
That's-yeah. Ooh, the tapper

the tapper tappin' that grave

I am so proud of you.

Excuse me?
I hear you got a new squeeze.

Come on, what's she like?

She have arthritis in the hands?
I don't...

That's my colorful way
of saying "big boobs."

Wait. Where did you hear about that?

Same way I hear about
everything in this office...

The old water cooler cam.
You're never at the water cooler.

No, no, no. I have a water cooler cam.

So long story short, the doctor got it out,

and I get to be in a medical journal.

Hmm. That is a complete and
utter invasion of our privacy.

Yes. Yes, it is, but I
invade because I care.

Speaking of which, I'm glad
you finally took my advice

and moved on from Melanie.
No, look, I really like this girl.

I'm not with her 'cause I took your advice.

Well, you should start.

Let's class things up a little, peanut.
Here, take this shirt.

It'll really make those baby blues pop.

No, I don't- oh, that is so soft.

And this- Chilean wild orchids...

very, very rare.

Smells so good. Thank you.

That's how I bedded Mrs. Oz,

the she-beast.

Now you go and bust into that safe.

I'm gonna get back to my stories.

All right, guys, let's rob this old lady.

To grandmother's house we go.

No way. Grandma's making this too easy.

Oh, nice! We'll be in and out...

Can't let go! Insides burning!

Someone help me!

Ooh! I should've thought this through!

I'll cut the power. Don't panic.

Panic! Panic as hard as you can!

The house is alive!

So not good.

It's been a rough job so far.

Apparently this old lady's house

is a geriatric Fort Knox.
No, I'll tell you

what we're dealing with here...
Super villain.

Okay, if we keep this up,
we're gonna be facing

her army of monkey assassins, for real.
Seriously.

I mean, who the hell is this old woman?

I lost my brows in the line of duty.
No, it's good.

Brings out your huge forehead.
Don't even speak.

We have been out there
getting our asses kicked,

and you don't even have a scratch on you.
I ripped my jeans.

No, you bought 'em that
way, and they look great.

Guys, our job is to find flaws
in security systems, right?

We'll just tell Oz this
lady doesn't have any.

It's good news for the client.
No,

are you crazy?
You never tell Oz you failed ever.

We haven't failed.
I'm sure Oz will under... stand.

This is my subtle way of saying

"Go and crack that safe."

Lord, that is hot.

Aw, I bet you say that to all the hackers.

I'm talking about the plates.

The plates are hot. They're hot.
Oh, uh, yes. Sorry. Sorry.

Whew. My boss has made it

terrifyingly clear I
can't screw up this job.

Although I might've found a lead.

Ooh, that sounds juicy. Let me see.

Yeah, I don't want to bore you.
Let's just...

Let's just hang out, you and me.

I... got you a little something.

What's this?
I just thought

it could help you make
some tough decisions,

you know?
Thank you.

Well, don't thank me yet.
See if it works first.

All right.

Will I get lucky tonight?

Well, will you?

No!

We're breaking into your house!

Popcorn shrimp?
I bought a fryer.

I hacked into the county records web site

and found the architect
who built the house,

for you.
You know, it's never wise

to yell at a man who could
deep-fry your cojones.

You said for us to break into
some crazy old lady's house.

And you are.

You're breaking into my old lady's house,

and believe you me, she is crazy.
Stop. Stop.

For once, please just
tell me what's going on,

so I can do my job.

Fine. I'm no fan of clichés,

but I happen to be in one of
the oldest stories there is.

Man loves woman, man marries woman,

woman turns out to be an evil succubus

looking for a fast divorce.

Sorry. Um, I didn't know that.
I could really use a hug.

And I'd rather not be
put in a sleeper hold.

Good! You're learning - never touch me.

And you're manipulating us into
helping you win your divorce.

That's-that's not- that's not our job.

It is now.
That devil woman knows this company

is the most important
thing to me in my life.

She wants it just to spite me.

If I don't give it to her in the divorce,

she's gonna go public
with what's in that safe,

and no one can ever see
what is in that safe.

Okay, well, if it's your house,

why don't you tell me how to break in?
I wish I knew.

That praying mantis seems to have learned

a thing or two about security from me,

and she seems to always be
one step ahead somehow.

You think there's a leak?

It's the only explanation.

Amy knows too much.

Amy.

Amy, open up. I know you live here.
Oz told me everything.

Oh. Hey, Cameron.

I'm the leak.

I'm-I'm the reason I can't
break into your house.

And then we're gonna climb the trellis

and break in through the skylight.
Mm.

Thanks for being such a great listener.

Thanks for being such a great talker.

Lies. It was all lies.

Are you even a dentist?
No.

I flossed for you!
Honey, you're supposed to floss.

Oh, my God.
Played by my own girlfriend.

It was only two weeks.
What are we, in second grade?

Uh, no, it was a very intense two weeks,

and it was implied, I mean, I thought.

We didn't put a label-
I'm a relationship guy.

Doesn't matter. It's over forever.

Oh, come on.

We had a good time together, didn't we?

Fry your cojones.

I gotta go.

Good thing you called me, Mel.

We got ourselves a serious
grooming sitch here.

Hey, would you stop squirming around?

I can't manscape a moving target.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

They seem kinda high.
Uh, he looks dumb.

He looks interested. Watch this.

You know I ride a dune buggy?

You see that? Huh?

I know brows, broheim.

And it doesn't stop there.

Every night, I trim the hedges.

Oh. It's like Italian marble down there.

Hey, Cash. Cash. Cash.

You really should look at this.
Hey, man, I'm out.

It's not-you sure?
Yo, what's up?

I need help, big-time. Please.

I mean, we're friends.
Anything you need.

What's the problem?
I kinda...

Sort of...

Definitely dated Oz's wife.

No. No, no.

No, I didn't hear that.
I'm clicking "unfriend."

No, go away. Go away! W- w-w-wait.
What are you doing? Wait.

Wait, Cash. Wait. Wait.

The man reads lips.
I don't want him to kill me, too.

Look, I was a pawn, okay?

The old lady's house we're breaking into

belongs to Amy.
Cover your mouth, bitch!

Look...

She is blackmailing Oz.

All right, we need to break into that safe,

steal whatever's there,

and keep this whole thing quiet.
Keep what quiet?

Our-our fantasy football league.
Yeah.

Cash wasn't sure if you were
cool with that kind of thing.

Yeah. Wasn't even sure about that.

I'll allow it.
Send out an e-mail blast, commissioner.

All right.

Damn it. Now I gotta come up
with a fantasy football league,

whatever the hell that is.
Guys, everything okay?

No, everything is very much not okay.

You wanna know why? Uh...

This man just made sweet love on Oz's wife.

What? What?

I didn't know it was Oz's wife,
and I didn't make sweet anything

on anyone, all right? The woman used me.

Oz owns a sword. You do realize that.
Oz isn't gonna find out.

The last thing I'm gonna do
is get played by Amy again.

Wanna bet?

I know you guys can't tell by my face,

but I am shocked right now.

Okay, here's the plan. It's very risky,

highly unconventional, but I
think it might just work.

We break into Amy's house this afternoon.

In broad daylight? That's too risky, man.

Trust me.
I know who we're dealing with now.

When I was inside Amy's house,

I got a good look at her alarm system.

It's fingerprint-activated.

Okay, how are we gonna get her fingerprint?

We already got it. I might've found a lead.

Ooh! Sounds juicy. Let me see.

Jackpot. Newbie.

Every Tuesday at 4:00,

she comes home from yoga, makes a smoothie,

takes a shower. That's when we strike.

Head-to-toe rubber.

Try to shock me now, you old bitch.

She's not that old.

Come on.

We're good.

Yes!

Well-played, Cammy.

This is so exciting.

It's like we're cracking Al Capone's vault.

I wonder what's in there.
I really hope it's an Oz sex tape.

I bet he goes slow, then
fast, then slow again.

That's what I'd do.

Okay.

It's a human thumb.

Do all y'all have your thumbs?

Seriously, dude?

Flash drive.

Oh, sex tape, sex tape, sex tape.

It's not a sex tape. Come on.

I still say sex tape.

Whoa! Uh, sorry. We-we can come back.

"We"?

Bastards.

Don't just stand there. Come on in.

There's, uh, somebody I'd love you to meet.

Hello.

I'm Amy.

Yeah. Amy, hi. It's a pleasure to meet you,

now, right for the very first time.

You're gonna be seeing a lot
more of my wife around here.

You mean you've...

Reconciled.
Right on this desk, twice.

Mm. What?

I should get going.
Mm. Mm, okay.

So I'll see you around...
what did you say your name was again?

Just go.

She seems nice.

Really?
Yeah.

You, uh, find her sexually attractive?

No, no, no. She's not my type.
So you wouldn't say,

pick her up at a panino shop,

take her out for a wild night on the town,

Italian dinner, romantic movie,

top off the evening with a
nice mocha chip fro-yo?

Oh, my... God.

I know all. I see all.

You know what?
If it makes you feel any better,

I should probably be on this site myself.

I knew what that little minx was up to

the moment she sat down with you.

That's why I fitted you with that wire.
Take this.

And I gave you those beautiful
flowers-romantic for you,

useful for me.
Here you go.

Oh, thank you.
Mmm.

Are you freakin' crazy?
You had me date your wife?

What's wrong with you?
I could've slept with her.

Oh, you really think you had a shot?

That's adorable. Don't lose that.

All right, fine. What's on the drive then?

You put us through hell for this thing.

I wanna know.
Let me ask you a question, kid.

Before you started working
for me, would you

have described yourself as
a good guy or a bad guy?

Good guy for the most part,

but I hacked for whoever paid me.

That's pretty much the
situation with everybody here.

We've all done some bad things
in the past, including me,

and it's all on this thumb drive...

A lot of dirt that can get
us in a lot of trouble.

So this whole time you were protecting us?

I didn't say that.

So that's it?
You're gonna get back together with Amy

like nothing ever happened?
Look, my relationship with Amy

is a delicate and disturbing dance.

This is our third split this year.
I know she's bad for me,

but it's the kind of bad
that feels a little good.

What can I say?
Moving on is easier said than done.

Doors are closing. Watch your fingers.

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

Good. So do you have any
plans on Saturday night?

I thought you could do me a favor.
Oh, good. More dogsitting?

Jason Mraz?
Yeah, Dutch won't go with me.

He thinks the guy stole his songs.

You in?
The least I could do.

All right. All right.

Wait.

So...

I'll-I'll call you.

We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

Well-played, Cameron.