Brassic (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
We'll find somewhere.
Here?
There.
You say goodbye to Goldie.
I'll start preparing the grave.
What do you want to say?
I'm sorry, Goldie, I put you in
the bath with all the bubbles.
Get the children away.
Get the children away!
Come in.
So, what can I help you with today?
Doctor, you know it's, er,
rather embarrassing.
You can share whatever you like.
Well, you know...
Doctor, it's erm... It's during,
you know like, er, like sex.
I just, er, I find I just...
I just can't orgasm...
No matter who the man is
or no matter how big he is...
I see.
Vin, I need to talk to you.
Can it wait, mate?
I've turned up at JJ's with some
nicked wheels. It's quite important.
Yeah, all right, listen, let me...
Let me see you at the party.
I'll chat to you then.
Yeah, all right, bye. Bye.
40.
What's going on here?
You all right, JJ? Yeah.
Blood's just rushing a bit now.
Er...
This is my cousin Sarim.
You all right, Sarim?
Yeah, all right. Who are you?
I'm Vinnie, I'm JJ's mate.
50.
Going a bit thin on top there,
Vinnie.
Yeah, sign of virility, apparently.
That's bollocks, that is.
Got to be a minute, now.
Look at Samson, in your Bible,
cut all his hair off,
lost his strength.
Yeah, I know but, I don't take the
Bible literally though, you know,
what with Noah and all them animals.
It's gotta be a minute.
What you saying? You don't believe
in your own holy book?
I think it's all a bit far-fetched
for me, you know what I mean?
Mind you, fucking all are,
aren't they? Quran, Torah...
What!
Shit! You slagging our book?
No, man, I'm... JJ, are you all
right, love? What you saying, huh?
I'm just saying some of the stories
are just a bit far-fetched.
This a fucking friend of yours?
Sarim.
Don't Sarim me, you come here
with your fucking slaphead
and you starts slagging our book -
I'm not slagging your book off.
Sarim. Don't Sarim me.
Dude, calm down.
Stop dude-ing me,
you fucking twat.OK.
All right?
You fucking bald prick.
Car, tomorrow.Yeah.
And I told you I could hold you up
for a minute.
Yes, you did.Yeah.
What an incredible bell-end.
Fucking handsome though,
ain't he, eh?
This is how he's treated me,
my whole fucking life.
He goes, "I can hold you
upside-down for a minute,"
then he bloody goes and does it.
Now I've got to fix his fucking
white car
for his stupid flash wedding.
Wedding? Someone's marrying him?
Yeah.
Danika.
She's just as bad as he is.
They used to take the piss out of
me, because I was fat.
- Come here. Don't get worked up.
- No, no, no, come on.
Don't let him do that.
It's all right.
It's all right, man.
You know what?
All I ever wanted was
revenge on him.
Now I've gotta buy them a fucking
gift for the their wedding.
He's just a bully.
Let's go and have a brew. Come on.
# And you put your left leg in
# Your left leg out
# In, out, in, out,
you shake it all about
# You do the hokey cokey
and you turn around
- # That's what it's all about...
- Hey!
He's bloody useless, isn't he?
How did we persuade him to do this?
It's what he does now.
He's packed the circus in.
Apparently set up on his own. He's
calling himself Maurice Bojangles.
# Hey,
the hokey... cokey #
Has he been drinking? He's sweating
like a necrophiliac at a funeral.
Oi, dude, can... Can we talk?
Let me roll this spliff.
I'll come and have a chat with you.
So, go on, then,
what have you got Tyler?
Oh, er...
Just... Just my rabbit.
What? Is there a rabbit in there?
Yeah. It can breathe.
In here? Oh, my God.
Don't tilt it. What?
Aren't you not gonna miss it?
No, no, we don't get on.
Go on, just...
Now, so we've got it, yeah? Yeah.
All right, thanks, Vin. All right.
Who wants a banana?
Get off!
Hey! Get off!
Give me my nose back and sit down.
So how's things going on
with you and Erin? Er, yeah.
Yeah, we're taking it slow. You
know, we don't wanna confuse Tyler.
Yeah. What about Sara?
Er, yeah. No, I had a chat
with her yesterday.
It was fine... Fine? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, you know...
She's a great girl and I feel
fucking terrible.
Vin? Sorry, lad. Yeah, come on.
Let's go and have a chat.
Right, what's in the magic hat?
Let's have a look.
Ooh, that's not supposed to happen.
Ooh, what's this?
Look at this! You're just pulling
it out of your sleeve! Sh!
I'm not pulling it out my sleeve.
There's nothing up me sleeve.
You shush.
Oh, look, it's Ricky the Raccoon.
Do you want to stroke him? Boring!
No, it's not boring. Boring!
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
...er, about her... and, er,
the-the way she is with me.
And, erm, you know, I know
sh-sh-sh-she made that porno,
but it was a long time ago.
We've all done stupid stuff in
t'past.
Do you remember that wanking
contest? I do, yeah. Not fondly.
Yeah, but you know, no matter
how-how much I watch it...
...it doesn't change anything,
be-because
I've never felt this way before
about-about anyone.
And I'm s-scared because, you know,
I know I can be useless and I'm a
bit fat and you know, I let people
down...
but I, I really fucking love her
man.
And I need her,
you know to be with me,
and-and I just always want her
to be in my life.
So...
I, erm...
I got this.
No way.
Are you gonna ask her?
Yeah, well...
What do you think?
Yeah, fucking definitely.
Definitely do that.
W-Will she say yes? Course she's
gonna fucking say yes.
Course she's gonna say yeah.
Listen to me.
I'm really proud of you, all right.
That's a fucking big decision.
If she says yes -Hm?
...will you help me sort out
a wedding?
It don't have to be much, it's just
like a fucking vicar and takeaway.
If my mate Cardi wants to get
married,
and have a fucking party,
it's gonna be the biggest one
I can possibly think of.
I promise you, I love you so much,
man. All right?
All right, well,
go and ask her, then.
What? Now? Well, why not? No.
No.What the fuck? You've got the
ring! No, but I... Go and do it.
Don't think about shit, just get it
done.
That's what I'd do.
Just go and get it done.
Go on.
Sod off.
All right. Good lad.
Give us another one there, Maurice.
Don't. Don't egg him on.
Don't egg him on.
There's nothing in the magic hat.
Give it here! Come on.
Give it here, Specky. Kids! Give it
here, lad. I'm doing the cake.
Give me my fucking hat back,
you shower of shit
bunch of little cunts!
Right, come on. Stop pushing me.
Get off! Stupid fat man!
Leave me alone. I don't like it.
Oh, for God's sake.
Sorry, kids, move out of the way.
Right, get up.
Dylan!
Here. Oh, my God. Now get him out.
Get him out. Someone spiked me.
He's all right. Someone spiked me.
You absolutely stink.
I've broke me nose.
Check that out.
Is he proposing? Mmm.
Oh, shit man, that is massive.
How do you fancy giving them two
love birds the best present ever?
Your cousin's wedding.
OK, listen up,
cos there's a lot to take in.
This is my bell-end
of a cousin Sarim,
and this is the dickhead he's
marrying - Danika.
She's a Hindu girl. Her family want
a traditional wedding,
which means it is gonna be massive.
Guys, we are talking
flashy as fuck! It looks amazing.
Hey, why don't you join in? Double
wedding. Piss off.
No, you do right, mate, it's a
prison. Ring on your finger
and before you know it you're
shuffling round Ikea
asking for permission to see your
own mates.
No flirting, no spontaneous sex,
not a fucking rat in hell's chance
of any anal.
All in the misguided pursuit of
companionship.
Stag do'll be fun though.Great.
Right, anyway.
These guys are gonna have
everything we need OK,
beautiful drapes, wedding dressing,
cutlery...
You name it, this whole room is
gonna be
all the colours of the bloody
rainbows, guys.Excellent.
The gifts, yeah,
we're talking gold,
we're talking frankincense, even
bloody myrrh's gonna be turning up.
Sounds amazing. I feel bad for
stealing it.
Yeah, well, don't, because this
guy... dickhead.
Won't there be 200 people there?
Exactly.
Which is why we need the knowledge
of our inside man. Go on, JJ.
To my mind, there's only one
perfect time to do the hit,
and that is the Baraat.
The what?
The Baraat. It is the groom's
wedding procession in to the venue.
It's about half an hour long,
sometimes they come in a flashy
motor or a white horse.
Knowing this dickhead, a white
horse. Procession starts.
It's gonna weave its way down these
country roads, to the wedding
venue.
The room's gonna be set up, and the
wedding breakfast prepared.
So how do we get it out?
Yeah, all right so,
There's a shit load of moving parts
here.
We need to create a distraction
That draws everybody out
and it allows us to enter there,
look.15 minutes to smash and grab.
It's a big fucking job, guys,
we all need to be on our A-game.
That's right, cos this isn't just
for money, it's for love, all right?
It's for Carol and Cardi.
Hey, to Carol and Cardi, eh.
Carol and Cardi.
Shit. Hello.
Get yourself over to the office now
and don't tell anyone
you're coming.
That's not good.
They've found his body.
Tony Tillerton.
Just his body.
No head.
Right. You've fucked me, Vin.
You've bent me over
and fucked me up the arse
They've linked him to me.
I got arrested in my own home,
in front of my fucking daughters.
And the only reason why you're not
lying in a ditch right now
is that I can't risk another dead
body coming back to me.
I'm sorry. Fuck your sorry.
What happened?
We went to his house.
And-And-And he made fucking scones.
Straight from the oven.
And JJ shot his fucking Peacock.
This is Struen.
So we-we, we get in the van...
These fucking guys come out of
nowhere...
So-So-So we followed 'em
and they started fucking shooting at
us, like, actually shooting.
Fuck you! Shit!
Got Tony out the fucking window
shooting his gun off,
next thing you know,
his fucking head.
I-I-I mean, I mean,
it was really shocking
and I know, I know
we should've told you the truth.
But you-you said
to bring him back safe,
and there's
his fucking head on the ground.
How'd you lose the body?
They-They-They'd stole it.
They just fucked off wi' it.
So I got a mate of ours to sew
that head on to another body.
I-I know, I know it sounds,
it sounds fucked,
but he's a undertaker,
it's not as weird as it...
I lied to you, man...
...Mister McCann, and I'm sorry.
How fucked are we?
They found his body in the woods,
some family burying a goldfish.
Police told the wife they thought
it was a professional hit.
They seized his computer.
And all the work he did for me was
encrypted,
but the bastard was smart.
He'd left a special file, which
he'd hidden inside his own system.
Since 2012, I have worked for
a businessman, Mr Terence McCann.
However, during this time,
I became aware that
Mr McCann is a violent, unhinged,
psychotic, monster.
That's not true.
And when I tried to extract myself
from his services,
I became fearful for myself and for
my family.
Where's the head?
It's gone, I cremated it.
You'll have to destroy the van.
There'll be traces.
Done.
They've got nothing, on me, Vin.
That file won't convict me.
So the only thing linking me to
that headless fucking corpse
is you
and your idiot friends.
Can you trust them?
Can you fucking trust them?
Yeah, yeah.
I hope so.
Fuck off.
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
All right, I'll wear this,
but that's it.
If anyone's got a chocolate cock,
penis slippers or a duck with a
dick, take them home.
You lot go your way, we'll go ours,
meet back here at eight, yeah.
Aaaaah! Don't get too pissed.
All right, so no intentional aiming
at the dick.
If it's accidental, we'll let it go.
Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
Go!
Go on!
# Get your rocks off,
get your rocks off, honey
# Shake 'em, now-now...
Where's my stripper?
No can do sunshine, #MeToo.
No hashtag. You run a s-strip club.
I run a classy adult entertainment
venue, Mate.
I draw the line at some ropey bird
with squirty cream on her tits.
Hey, so I've got the vans sorted.
I bought the coloured smoke.
Tommo's obviously good
for cop uniforms, so we're golden.
Good. Listen, come here.
Don't tell the others.
Do you remember that geezer
who got his head taken off?
What geezer? For fuck... How the
fuck do you not remember that?
Hilarious.
Really funny.
Listen. Cops are all over it, right.
And we can't afford any link with us
and that fucking body,
so we're gonna have to crush
the rascal, you know.Shit.
I know, man.
I fucking love that van too.
Fuck the bloody van, the cops,
the body...
I wasn't supposed to be on that
fucking trip, and you dragged me
into it.
Just don't, don't start that shit
again.
I don't wanna go to prison, Vin,
all right?
Maybe we shouldn't steal this
wedding, yeah.
Maybe this is just a sign for us
to just keep our heads down.Shit.
Hey, what you doing here?
Come to see Dylan.
No. No. Come on. Don't.
Don't do this to yourself.
Vinnie, I -No, no, just listen.
You're gonna get upset.
Just come and have a chat, with me.
I don't wanna chat.
But I've, I've got,
I've got a spliff.
A spliff. Go and have a smoke
and a chat. Quick chat.
You see, what you've got to
understand is
Dyl and Erin,
they've been together for ever.
I mean, we always thought they
would be,
but then the universe just went
apeshit.
I mean, split 'em apart, you know.
When you look at it like that,
you and Dyl should never
really have even met.
You shouldn't have done.
I mean, fucking plumbing.
His heart's not in plumbing,
he only did that to impress Erin.
Do you know what I mean?
Right. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
I hear what you're saying.
There's just one slight problem
with your theoryHmm?
It's horse shit. Is it?
Well, go on.
Think about it.
All those years they were together
and he never properly moved in.
He never made any commitment
that he couldn't back out of.
I mean, if you love someone you
wanna commit.
You want them in your life
and the thought of them not being,
that fills you with, with panic...
Hmm. Huh?
Hmm.
Very wise.
I am.
You're young.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, fucking hell. You've got
your whole life ahead of you.
Why the fuck do you want to get
serious with Dyl?
Cos I love him.
I don't think you do.
I do, Vinnie.
I love him.
Right?
Right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't want your hugs, Vinnie.
I just wanna know how,
how he could do this to me?
Is it cos of my dad?
Your dad?
Yeah, my dad. He's a copper.
Has he not told you that?
No.
He's a copper and you're all...
...whatever you are...
We're not anything.
Right.
OK.
He has told me things, you know.
Mm-hm.
Like what?
Like loads.
The weed shed. The circus.
Anything else?
Plenty.
I'm not pissing around,
what's he told you?
I don't know, Vin.
Listen to me.
You have no idea
what you're dealing with here.
Tell me what he's told you, Sara.
Nothing.
All right?
Jesus.
Don't lose your head.
Fuck!
I'm gonna get you up now.
It's a special day today, Carol,
am I right?
Carol! Carol!
Carol, we are gonna
rock your world, baby.
Come on, boys.
Hey! Hey!
What the fuck have you told Sara?
What? You heard what I fucking...
So what've you told her?
When you've had a drink, you're a
fucking blabbermouth.
What have you said?
Noth... Fucking nothing.
I swear to God, I'll put you
through the fucking wall, Dylan.
Fucking stop that, all right!
I tell you what,
I'll rephrase it for you.
Have you told her about Tillerton?
Who? Have you told her about
fucking Tillerton? The guy who got
his head taken off?
No.Oi.
Look me in the eye and tell me
you haven't told her.
Tell me you haven't said anything,
Dyl.
I-I-I can't remember.
You fucking idiot!
Dude, it's not...
You don't have to worry.
Her fucking dad's a copper, Dyl!
You know she's fucking heartbroken.
Pissed off.
And, right now,
if she can get one over on you,
that's exactly what she's gonna do!
You know, all the fuck...
It's all linked.
The fucking cops know McCann's
a part of that fucking murder.
We can't have it coming back on us,
Dylan.
Oh, fuck, fuck.
Christ. Shit. Oh, fuck. My heart.
Fuck your heat, you knobhead.
Er, what are we gonna do?
I don't fucking know.
I'll tell you what you're gonna
fucking do.
You're gonna go out there, find her
and you're gonna make it right.
How? I don't fucking know, Dylan,
but if you don't make it right and
she fucking blabs, we're fucked!
All going to jail! No, I, er...
No, I can't, I can't do that.
What? I'm fucking back with Erin.
What am I supposed to say to her?
I don't give a fuck, Dylan.
I don't give a fuck!
It's your mess,
go and fucking clean it.
I swear to God, you fucking go now,
else I'll fucking bury you.Right.
Dickhead!
Everything all right?
Hey.Hey.
Dylan?
Fat fuck.
Are you all right, Sarim?
Er, are you nervous?
Nervous? Nerves are for wimps.
I've got a beautiful woman, JJ.
She can cook, she can suck,
goes like a train, thanks for
asking. I didn't ask, actually.
I don't want you using that image
for when you're alone.
Keep her out of here, JJ.
She's family from today, man.
She's not really my type actually,
Sarim.
What you saying? Nothing.
She's lovely, right -
You saying she's a munter? What?
I didn't say that! Where the fuck's
your bird, JJ?
Oh, yeah, you've not got one,
because you're a used to be
fat fucking freak
who gets his hots
from hooking fish.
Anyway, you have a nice day.
I think we're about to start
in a second.
What a dick. Yeah, I know.
And he's always coming at me you
know,
and none of you lot say anything.
OK, let's go and get married.
Right, get in positions.
The baraat's getting started.
Jacklapatty right back at you, dude.
I'm assuming that's good luck, mind
you, he could be telling me to fuck
myself. Right, we're on.
You ready, yeah? Ready like Eddie.
Who's Eddie? Bloke I used to know.
Very attractive wife.
Surprisingly supple.
Still no word from Dyl? No.
No word.
You ready, Jimbo?
Oh, I was born ready.
I tell you what, Vin. What?
If this all goes tits up, I'm
telling 'em that you coerced me.
Yeah? I'm gonna land all the shit
at your door -
All right... and plead
early dementia.
That'd be an easy sell, wouldn't it?
You silly old cunt.
Well, fuck off.
Are you two sorted and all?
Grand, yeah.Sick.Right, do you
wanna be good cop or bad cop?
I want to be "Let's get this done
quick and not fuck it up" cop.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Tuck it in.
So I'll be in a nursing home
getting pampered,
while you'll be in Broadmoor
getting bummed.
Will you just fuck off?
Christ!
Sorry I'm late.
Where have you been? Oh, I just got
wasted. Had to go home.
Got hammered didn't you?
I puked and then passed out.
Go and get your high-vis out, right.
Sorry.
Dyl? Yeah.
Is it sorted?
Sorted.
Hi there. Where's your boss?
In the back.
That's not clean.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, riddle me this.
Who's in charge here?
Paulo. He's in the bathroom.
Well, how long will he be?
Not sure.
Has he been long already?
Will he be opening his bowel?
I'm not sure.
I don't really know, I just...
Well, listen up. There's been a
very serious threat on the hotel.
We need you and you to
file out into the car park.
Right out on to the restaurant
there, please. There you goes.
Get you! Go.
Paulo!
I bet it's a shit.
Jim, it's show time.
Fucking right.
Attaboy. Come on. Come to Daddy.
Cheers!
Aw! God! Oh, my God!
Oi. Stop being in awe. Come on,
we've got to steal some shit.
Pretty sure this is it.
Pretty sure?
Yeah, like, 40 percent.
40 percent's good.
Fucking hell.
I'm jealous. Me too.
Right, that's it, if I ever get
married, I'm marrying an Indian.
Thank you.
Form a nice straight line here
and stay well away
from the building, please.
What the fuck?
What? I know him.
What? I've spanked him.
Take over. Excuse me, sir,
are you the manager here?
Yes, and I have a wedding
to prepare.
Why are my staff not in the fucking
kitchen?
There's been a bomb threat, OK,
so we've had to excavate the
building -A bomb threat? Yeah.
On a remote manor house?
That's what we were told, yeah.
No.So were taking it very serious.
This is bullshit. OK.
Look - Mumbai ragda patties.
Dahi Puri.
Bomb? No.
Right. I don't see one.
I understand. Oh, is that it?
No, it's Khakhra roll.
Ah! Bomb?
No, it's Masala Vada. Or this?
I understand. Bomb?
No. Cocktail fucking Kachori.
Sir, I understand,
but we have to take this seriously,
so could you please es-cavate the
building.
What the hell is he doing?
He's patrolling for bombs.
Excuse me. Sir. Hey, you!
You! I want to talk to you.
Who, me?
Tommo? Er, Paulo.
Good to see you, mate.
What a lovely surprise.
What the fuck?
Yes, er, I'm a policeman now.
Since when?
Well, recently.
I was training up in Hendon.
I heard you were running
The Rat And Cutter.
It's, er...
That's rumours, mate.
It's quite serious this,
the bomb threat.
Yeah, yeah, actually, they used
a code word and everything, so...
And they didn't bring the bomb
squad? Just you two.
Cutbacks, innit, you know.
It's... It's criminal, really.
Ironically.
No, it's serious though isn't it?
I'm calling the police. Paolo -
No, no, we are the police.
You don't have to call them.
Bullshit, Tommo, OK.
You made a lemon sorbet
from my cum.
You're not a policeman now.
Paulo, the sorbet days are behind
me.
And-And you're too fucking small.
Hello. Police.
There's imposters at
the Thornfield Manor.
What the fuck?
No. No. No. No. You go.
You just go. You go.
Erin.
Go, go, go. You go. Go!
Now. Now. Just settle down. Just...
Fuck.
Vin - Vin.
We have to go. We have to go.
The cops are coming.
Fuck. Why? The head chef,
he recognised Tommo.
Where...? Where the fuck from?
They made jizz puddings together.
Course they fucking have,
haven't you?
They're on their way.
Go and nick the rest of the shit.
I'm gonna tie her up.
I'll tie her up. I'll tie her.
Ooh! Have that!
Have that!
Argh!
Sarim. Sarim.
Oh, man, you shoulder it looks
dislocated. Here I'll fix it.
Anley, keep your hand on his
shoulder, no matter what he says.
Don't lift it up.
Quick!
Come on, Vinnie! Get in the car!
Come on!
Faster! Just fucking go!
There's Jim, slow down!
What took you?
Only a fucking woman
would say that.
You see,
this is why I've never got wed.
Shit like this.
Is that the only reason?
Hey,
I've had plenty of offers love.
You all right, love?
It's my last day as a s-single man,
you know.
Yeah, well,
it's not all it's cracked up to be,
you know.
I'm fucking miserable.
You love her man and she loves you.
You've got to hang onto that,
haven't you?
I'm proud of you, Cardi.
Thanks, mate.
Come and give me a love.
You know it won't change owt.
I'll still be here.
I'll still be part of everything.
I know you will.Yeah.I know.
It's all right.
Are you gonna come and check your
wedding out?
Mm?
Yeah. Come on.
Bejewelled, eh?
Yeah, fucking Carol made it.
Ready?
One. Two. Three.
Oh, my...
Are you all right? How are you?
Bloody hell. Who's done that to
Nigel? He looks fucking ace!
So...
Yeah?
Are you gonna tell me what really
happened last night?
Oh, nothing.
Why don't I believe you?
Look, Erin,
honestly, it was nothing.
Right? I promise.
OK.
Dearly beloved.
We are gathered here today to
witness the union of
Carol Dennings and Cardi.
Or, if we're to use him his birth
name, it's actually Leslie Titt.
The joining together of two people
spending the rest of their lives
together is to be respected.
Trust me, as an undertaker,
I've seen many marriages end in
violence, misery and murder...
So if any persons here present know
of any reason
why these two people should not be
joined together in holy wedlock,
can you please speak now
or forever hold your peace.
Yeah, me!
Nah, I'm only kidding. Carry on.
Mind you, fifty percent do end in
divorce so you're probably...
You're making a good point, but
let's continue on, right so...
May we have the bridesmaid and the
best man,
come forth and provide the rings?
Thank you.
Just answer as I ask, OK.Yes.
Do you, Carol Cassandra Denning,
take this man Leslie Arthur Titt?
...sickness and in health?
Police!
Armed police! Nobody move!
Vincent O'Neill.
Nobody move!
Vincent O' Neill, we are arresting
you on conspiracy to murder.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you fail to mention when
questioned
something which
you later rely on in court.
No, you don't understand. He's my
best friend. It's my-my wedding.
Cardi... Cardi, love...
Vinnie, no. Just go back inside.
You're making a mistake!
Just-Just give me...
Just give me 30 seconds.
You've got me now.
Just 30 seconds.
Erin, I know you don't...
...but I do.
And-And if there was a button,
I'd press it.
I know it's wrong, but you're
the first thing in the morning...
...and you're the last thing
at night.
I just... I don't know how to tell
you how much you mean to me.
Tell Tyler I love him.
Vinnie.
Here?
There.
You say goodbye to Goldie.
I'll start preparing the grave.
What do you want to say?
I'm sorry, Goldie, I put you in
the bath with all the bubbles.
Get the children away.
Get the children away!
Come in.
So, what can I help you with today?
Doctor, you know it's, er,
rather embarrassing.
You can share whatever you like.
Well, you know...
Doctor, it's erm... It's during,
you know like, er, like sex.
I just, er, I find I just...
I just can't orgasm...
No matter who the man is
or no matter how big he is...
I see.
Vin, I need to talk to you.
Can it wait, mate?
I've turned up at JJ's with some
nicked wheels. It's quite important.
Yeah, all right, listen, let me...
Let me see you at the party.
I'll chat to you then.
Yeah, all right, bye. Bye.
40.
What's going on here?
You all right, JJ? Yeah.
Blood's just rushing a bit now.
Er...
This is my cousin Sarim.
You all right, Sarim?
Yeah, all right. Who are you?
I'm Vinnie, I'm JJ's mate.
50.
Going a bit thin on top there,
Vinnie.
Yeah, sign of virility, apparently.
That's bollocks, that is.
Got to be a minute, now.
Look at Samson, in your Bible,
cut all his hair off,
lost his strength.
Yeah, I know but, I don't take the
Bible literally though, you know,
what with Noah and all them animals.
It's gotta be a minute.
What you saying? You don't believe
in your own holy book?
I think it's all a bit far-fetched
for me, you know what I mean?
Mind you, fucking all are,
aren't they? Quran, Torah...
What!
Shit! You slagging our book?
No, man, I'm... JJ, are you all
right, love? What you saying, huh?
I'm just saying some of the stories
are just a bit far-fetched.
This a fucking friend of yours?
Sarim.
Don't Sarim me, you come here
with your fucking slaphead
and you starts slagging our book -
I'm not slagging your book off.
Sarim. Don't Sarim me.
Dude, calm down.
Stop dude-ing me,
you fucking twat.OK.
All right?
You fucking bald prick.
Car, tomorrow.Yeah.
And I told you I could hold you up
for a minute.
Yes, you did.Yeah.
What an incredible bell-end.
Fucking handsome though,
ain't he, eh?
This is how he's treated me,
my whole fucking life.
He goes, "I can hold you
upside-down for a minute,"
then he bloody goes and does it.
Now I've got to fix his fucking
white car
for his stupid flash wedding.
Wedding? Someone's marrying him?
Yeah.
Danika.
She's just as bad as he is.
They used to take the piss out of
me, because I was fat.
- Come here. Don't get worked up.
- No, no, no, come on.
Don't let him do that.
It's all right.
It's all right, man.
You know what?
All I ever wanted was
revenge on him.
Now I've gotta buy them a fucking
gift for the their wedding.
He's just a bully.
Let's go and have a brew. Come on.
# And you put your left leg in
# Your left leg out
# In, out, in, out,
you shake it all about
# You do the hokey cokey
and you turn around
- # That's what it's all about...
- Hey!
He's bloody useless, isn't he?
How did we persuade him to do this?
It's what he does now.
He's packed the circus in.
Apparently set up on his own. He's
calling himself Maurice Bojangles.
# Hey,
the hokey... cokey #
Has he been drinking? He's sweating
like a necrophiliac at a funeral.
Oi, dude, can... Can we talk?
Let me roll this spliff.
I'll come and have a chat with you.
So, go on, then,
what have you got Tyler?
Oh, er...
Just... Just my rabbit.
What? Is there a rabbit in there?
Yeah. It can breathe.
In here? Oh, my God.
Don't tilt it. What?
Aren't you not gonna miss it?
No, no, we don't get on.
Go on, just...
Now, so we've got it, yeah? Yeah.
All right, thanks, Vin. All right.
Who wants a banana?
Get off!
Hey! Get off!
Give me my nose back and sit down.
So how's things going on
with you and Erin? Er, yeah.
Yeah, we're taking it slow. You
know, we don't wanna confuse Tyler.
Yeah. What about Sara?
Er, yeah. No, I had a chat
with her yesterday.
It was fine... Fine? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, you know...
She's a great girl and I feel
fucking terrible.
Vin? Sorry, lad. Yeah, come on.
Let's go and have a chat.
Right, what's in the magic hat?
Let's have a look.
Ooh, that's not supposed to happen.
Ooh, what's this?
Look at this! You're just pulling
it out of your sleeve! Sh!
I'm not pulling it out my sleeve.
There's nothing up me sleeve.
You shush.
Oh, look, it's Ricky the Raccoon.
Do you want to stroke him? Boring!
No, it's not boring. Boring!
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
...er, about her... and, er,
the-the way she is with me.
And, erm, you know, I know
sh-sh-sh-she made that porno,
but it was a long time ago.
We've all done stupid stuff in
t'past.
Do you remember that wanking
contest? I do, yeah. Not fondly.
Yeah, but you know, no matter
how-how much I watch it...
...it doesn't change anything,
be-because
I've never felt this way before
about-about anyone.
And I'm s-scared because, you know,
I know I can be useless and I'm a
bit fat and you know, I let people
down...
but I, I really fucking love her
man.
And I need her,
you know to be with me,
and-and I just always want her
to be in my life.
So...
I, erm...
I got this.
No way.
Are you gonna ask her?
Yeah, well...
What do you think?
Yeah, fucking definitely.
Definitely do that.
W-Will she say yes? Course she's
gonna fucking say yes.
Course she's gonna say yeah.
Listen to me.
I'm really proud of you, all right.
That's a fucking big decision.
If she says yes -Hm?
...will you help me sort out
a wedding?
It don't have to be much, it's just
like a fucking vicar and takeaway.
If my mate Cardi wants to get
married,
and have a fucking party,
it's gonna be the biggest one
I can possibly think of.
I promise you, I love you so much,
man. All right?
All right, well,
go and ask her, then.
What? Now? Well, why not? No.
No.What the fuck? You've got the
ring! No, but I... Go and do it.
Don't think about shit, just get it
done.
That's what I'd do.
Just go and get it done.
Go on.
Sod off.
All right. Good lad.
Give us another one there, Maurice.
Don't. Don't egg him on.
Don't egg him on.
There's nothing in the magic hat.
Give it here! Come on.
Give it here, Specky. Kids! Give it
here, lad. I'm doing the cake.
Give me my fucking hat back,
you shower of shit
bunch of little cunts!
Right, come on. Stop pushing me.
Get off! Stupid fat man!
Leave me alone. I don't like it.
Oh, for God's sake.
Sorry, kids, move out of the way.
Right, get up.
Dylan!
Here. Oh, my God. Now get him out.
Get him out. Someone spiked me.
He's all right. Someone spiked me.
You absolutely stink.
I've broke me nose.
Check that out.
Is he proposing? Mmm.
Oh, shit man, that is massive.
How do you fancy giving them two
love birds the best present ever?
Your cousin's wedding.
OK, listen up,
cos there's a lot to take in.
This is my bell-end
of a cousin Sarim,
and this is the dickhead he's
marrying - Danika.
She's a Hindu girl. Her family want
a traditional wedding,
which means it is gonna be massive.
Guys, we are talking
flashy as fuck! It looks amazing.
Hey, why don't you join in? Double
wedding. Piss off.
No, you do right, mate, it's a
prison. Ring on your finger
and before you know it you're
shuffling round Ikea
asking for permission to see your
own mates.
No flirting, no spontaneous sex,
not a fucking rat in hell's chance
of any anal.
All in the misguided pursuit of
companionship.
Stag do'll be fun though.Great.
Right, anyway.
These guys are gonna have
everything we need OK,
beautiful drapes, wedding dressing,
cutlery...
You name it, this whole room is
gonna be
all the colours of the bloody
rainbows, guys.Excellent.
The gifts, yeah,
we're talking gold,
we're talking frankincense, even
bloody myrrh's gonna be turning up.
Sounds amazing. I feel bad for
stealing it.
Yeah, well, don't, because this
guy... dickhead.
Won't there be 200 people there?
Exactly.
Which is why we need the knowledge
of our inside man. Go on, JJ.
To my mind, there's only one
perfect time to do the hit,
and that is the Baraat.
The what?
The Baraat. It is the groom's
wedding procession in to the venue.
It's about half an hour long,
sometimes they come in a flashy
motor or a white horse.
Knowing this dickhead, a white
horse. Procession starts.
It's gonna weave its way down these
country roads, to the wedding
venue.
The room's gonna be set up, and the
wedding breakfast prepared.
So how do we get it out?
Yeah, all right so,
There's a shit load of moving parts
here.
We need to create a distraction
That draws everybody out
and it allows us to enter there,
look.15 minutes to smash and grab.
It's a big fucking job, guys,
we all need to be on our A-game.
That's right, cos this isn't just
for money, it's for love, all right?
It's for Carol and Cardi.
Hey, to Carol and Cardi, eh.
Carol and Cardi.
Shit. Hello.
Get yourself over to the office now
and don't tell anyone
you're coming.
That's not good.
They've found his body.
Tony Tillerton.
Just his body.
No head.
Right. You've fucked me, Vin.
You've bent me over
and fucked me up the arse
They've linked him to me.
I got arrested in my own home,
in front of my fucking daughters.
And the only reason why you're not
lying in a ditch right now
is that I can't risk another dead
body coming back to me.
I'm sorry. Fuck your sorry.
What happened?
We went to his house.
And-And-And he made fucking scones.
Straight from the oven.
And JJ shot his fucking Peacock.
This is Struen.
So we-we, we get in the van...
These fucking guys come out of
nowhere...
So-So-So we followed 'em
and they started fucking shooting at
us, like, actually shooting.
Fuck you! Shit!
Got Tony out the fucking window
shooting his gun off,
next thing you know,
his fucking head.
I-I-I mean, I mean,
it was really shocking
and I know, I know
we should've told you the truth.
But you-you said
to bring him back safe,
and there's
his fucking head on the ground.
How'd you lose the body?
They-They-They'd stole it.
They just fucked off wi' it.
So I got a mate of ours to sew
that head on to another body.
I-I know, I know it sounds,
it sounds fucked,
but he's a undertaker,
it's not as weird as it...
I lied to you, man...
...Mister McCann, and I'm sorry.
How fucked are we?
They found his body in the woods,
some family burying a goldfish.
Police told the wife they thought
it was a professional hit.
They seized his computer.
And all the work he did for me was
encrypted,
but the bastard was smart.
He'd left a special file, which
he'd hidden inside his own system.
Since 2012, I have worked for
a businessman, Mr Terence McCann.
However, during this time,
I became aware that
Mr McCann is a violent, unhinged,
psychotic, monster.
That's not true.
And when I tried to extract myself
from his services,
I became fearful for myself and for
my family.
Where's the head?
It's gone, I cremated it.
You'll have to destroy the van.
There'll be traces.
Done.
They've got nothing, on me, Vin.
That file won't convict me.
So the only thing linking me to
that headless fucking corpse
is you
and your idiot friends.
Can you trust them?
Can you fucking trust them?
Yeah, yeah.
I hope so.
Fuck off.
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
All right, I'll wear this,
but that's it.
If anyone's got a chocolate cock,
penis slippers or a duck with a
dick, take them home.
You lot go your way, we'll go ours,
meet back here at eight, yeah.
Aaaaah! Don't get too pissed.
All right, so no intentional aiming
at the dick.
If it's accidental, we'll let it go.
Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
Go!
Go on!
# Get your rocks off,
get your rocks off, honey
# Shake 'em, now-now...
Where's my stripper?
No can do sunshine, #MeToo.
No hashtag. You run a s-strip club.
I run a classy adult entertainment
venue, Mate.
I draw the line at some ropey bird
with squirty cream on her tits.
Hey, so I've got the vans sorted.
I bought the coloured smoke.
Tommo's obviously good
for cop uniforms, so we're golden.
Good. Listen, come here.
Don't tell the others.
Do you remember that geezer
who got his head taken off?
What geezer? For fuck... How the
fuck do you not remember that?
Hilarious.
Really funny.
Listen. Cops are all over it, right.
And we can't afford any link with us
and that fucking body,
so we're gonna have to crush
the rascal, you know.Shit.
I know, man.
I fucking love that van too.
Fuck the bloody van, the cops,
the body...
I wasn't supposed to be on that
fucking trip, and you dragged me
into it.
Just don't, don't start that shit
again.
I don't wanna go to prison, Vin,
all right?
Maybe we shouldn't steal this
wedding, yeah.
Maybe this is just a sign for us
to just keep our heads down.Shit.
Hey, what you doing here?
Come to see Dylan.
No. No. Come on. Don't.
Don't do this to yourself.
Vinnie, I -No, no, just listen.
You're gonna get upset.
Just come and have a chat, with me.
I don't wanna chat.
But I've, I've got,
I've got a spliff.
A spliff. Go and have a smoke
and a chat. Quick chat.
You see, what you've got to
understand is
Dyl and Erin,
they've been together for ever.
I mean, we always thought they
would be,
but then the universe just went
apeshit.
I mean, split 'em apart, you know.
When you look at it like that,
you and Dyl should never
really have even met.
You shouldn't have done.
I mean, fucking plumbing.
His heart's not in plumbing,
he only did that to impress Erin.
Do you know what I mean?
Right. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
I hear what you're saying.
There's just one slight problem
with your theoryHmm?
It's horse shit. Is it?
Well, go on.
Think about it.
All those years they were together
and he never properly moved in.
He never made any commitment
that he couldn't back out of.
I mean, if you love someone you
wanna commit.
You want them in your life
and the thought of them not being,
that fills you with, with panic...
Hmm. Huh?
Hmm.
Very wise.
I am.
You're young.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, fucking hell. You've got
your whole life ahead of you.
Why the fuck do you want to get
serious with Dyl?
Cos I love him.
I don't think you do.
I do, Vinnie.
I love him.
Right?
Right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't want your hugs, Vinnie.
I just wanna know how,
how he could do this to me?
Is it cos of my dad?
Your dad?
Yeah, my dad. He's a copper.
Has he not told you that?
No.
He's a copper and you're all...
...whatever you are...
We're not anything.
Right.
OK.
He has told me things, you know.
Mm-hm.
Like what?
Like loads.
The weed shed. The circus.
Anything else?
Plenty.
I'm not pissing around,
what's he told you?
I don't know, Vin.
Listen to me.
You have no idea
what you're dealing with here.
Tell me what he's told you, Sara.
Nothing.
All right?
Jesus.
Don't lose your head.
Fuck!
I'm gonna get you up now.
It's a special day today, Carol,
am I right?
Carol! Carol!
Carol, we are gonna
rock your world, baby.
Come on, boys.
Hey! Hey!
What the fuck have you told Sara?
What? You heard what I fucking...
So what've you told her?
When you've had a drink, you're a
fucking blabbermouth.
What have you said?
Noth... Fucking nothing.
I swear to God, I'll put you
through the fucking wall, Dylan.
Fucking stop that, all right!
I tell you what,
I'll rephrase it for you.
Have you told her about Tillerton?
Who? Have you told her about
fucking Tillerton? The guy who got
his head taken off?
No.Oi.
Look me in the eye and tell me
you haven't told her.
Tell me you haven't said anything,
Dyl.
I-I-I can't remember.
You fucking idiot!
Dude, it's not...
You don't have to worry.
Her fucking dad's a copper, Dyl!
You know she's fucking heartbroken.
Pissed off.
And, right now,
if she can get one over on you,
that's exactly what she's gonna do!
You know, all the fuck...
It's all linked.
The fucking cops know McCann's
a part of that fucking murder.
We can't have it coming back on us,
Dylan.
Oh, fuck, fuck.
Christ. Shit. Oh, fuck. My heart.
Fuck your heat, you knobhead.
Er, what are we gonna do?
I don't fucking know.
I'll tell you what you're gonna
fucking do.
You're gonna go out there, find her
and you're gonna make it right.
How? I don't fucking know, Dylan,
but if you don't make it right and
she fucking blabs, we're fucked!
All going to jail! No, I, er...
No, I can't, I can't do that.
What? I'm fucking back with Erin.
What am I supposed to say to her?
I don't give a fuck, Dylan.
I don't give a fuck!
It's your mess,
go and fucking clean it.
I swear to God, you fucking go now,
else I'll fucking bury you.Right.
Dickhead!
Everything all right?
Hey.Hey.
Dylan?
Fat fuck.
Are you all right, Sarim?
Er, are you nervous?
Nervous? Nerves are for wimps.
I've got a beautiful woman, JJ.
She can cook, she can suck,
goes like a train, thanks for
asking. I didn't ask, actually.
I don't want you using that image
for when you're alone.
Keep her out of here, JJ.
She's family from today, man.
She's not really my type actually,
Sarim.
What you saying? Nothing.
She's lovely, right -
You saying she's a munter? What?
I didn't say that! Where the fuck's
your bird, JJ?
Oh, yeah, you've not got one,
because you're a used to be
fat fucking freak
who gets his hots
from hooking fish.
Anyway, you have a nice day.
I think we're about to start
in a second.
What a dick. Yeah, I know.
And he's always coming at me you
know,
and none of you lot say anything.
OK, let's go and get married.
Right, get in positions.
The baraat's getting started.
Jacklapatty right back at you, dude.
I'm assuming that's good luck, mind
you, he could be telling me to fuck
myself. Right, we're on.
You ready, yeah? Ready like Eddie.
Who's Eddie? Bloke I used to know.
Very attractive wife.
Surprisingly supple.
Still no word from Dyl? No.
No word.
You ready, Jimbo?
Oh, I was born ready.
I tell you what, Vin. What?
If this all goes tits up, I'm
telling 'em that you coerced me.
Yeah? I'm gonna land all the shit
at your door -
All right... and plead
early dementia.
That'd be an easy sell, wouldn't it?
You silly old cunt.
Well, fuck off.
Are you two sorted and all?
Grand, yeah.Sick.Right, do you
wanna be good cop or bad cop?
I want to be "Let's get this done
quick and not fuck it up" cop.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Tuck it in.
So I'll be in a nursing home
getting pampered,
while you'll be in Broadmoor
getting bummed.
Will you just fuck off?
Christ!
Sorry I'm late.
Where have you been? Oh, I just got
wasted. Had to go home.
Got hammered didn't you?
I puked and then passed out.
Go and get your high-vis out, right.
Sorry.
Dyl? Yeah.
Is it sorted?
Sorted.
Hi there. Where's your boss?
In the back.
That's not clean.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, riddle me this.
Who's in charge here?
Paulo. He's in the bathroom.
Well, how long will he be?
Not sure.
Has he been long already?
Will he be opening his bowel?
I'm not sure.
I don't really know, I just...
Well, listen up. There's been a
very serious threat on the hotel.
We need you and you to
file out into the car park.
Right out on to the restaurant
there, please. There you goes.
Get you! Go.
Paulo!
I bet it's a shit.
Jim, it's show time.
Fucking right.
Attaboy. Come on. Come to Daddy.
Cheers!
Aw! God! Oh, my God!
Oi. Stop being in awe. Come on,
we've got to steal some shit.
Pretty sure this is it.
Pretty sure?
Yeah, like, 40 percent.
40 percent's good.
Fucking hell.
I'm jealous. Me too.
Right, that's it, if I ever get
married, I'm marrying an Indian.
Thank you.
Form a nice straight line here
and stay well away
from the building, please.
What the fuck?
What? I know him.
What? I've spanked him.
Take over. Excuse me, sir,
are you the manager here?
Yes, and I have a wedding
to prepare.
Why are my staff not in the fucking
kitchen?
There's been a bomb threat, OK,
so we've had to excavate the
building -A bomb threat? Yeah.
On a remote manor house?
That's what we were told, yeah.
No.So were taking it very serious.
This is bullshit. OK.
Look - Mumbai ragda patties.
Dahi Puri.
Bomb? No.
Right. I don't see one.
I understand. Oh, is that it?
No, it's Khakhra roll.
Ah! Bomb?
No, it's Masala Vada. Or this?
I understand. Bomb?
No. Cocktail fucking Kachori.
Sir, I understand,
but we have to take this seriously,
so could you please es-cavate the
building.
What the hell is he doing?
He's patrolling for bombs.
Excuse me. Sir. Hey, you!
You! I want to talk to you.
Who, me?
Tommo? Er, Paulo.
Good to see you, mate.
What a lovely surprise.
What the fuck?
Yes, er, I'm a policeman now.
Since when?
Well, recently.
I was training up in Hendon.
I heard you were running
The Rat And Cutter.
It's, er...
That's rumours, mate.
It's quite serious this,
the bomb threat.
Yeah, yeah, actually, they used
a code word and everything, so...
And they didn't bring the bomb
squad? Just you two.
Cutbacks, innit, you know.
It's... It's criminal, really.
Ironically.
No, it's serious though isn't it?
I'm calling the police. Paolo -
No, no, we are the police.
You don't have to call them.
Bullshit, Tommo, OK.
You made a lemon sorbet
from my cum.
You're not a policeman now.
Paulo, the sorbet days are behind
me.
And-And you're too fucking small.
Hello. Police.
There's imposters at
the Thornfield Manor.
What the fuck?
No. No. No. No. You go.
You just go. You go.
Erin.
Go, go, go. You go. Go!
Now. Now. Just settle down. Just...
Fuck.
Vin - Vin.
We have to go. We have to go.
The cops are coming.
Fuck. Why? The head chef,
he recognised Tommo.
Where...? Where the fuck from?
They made jizz puddings together.
Course they fucking have,
haven't you?
They're on their way.
Go and nick the rest of the shit.
I'm gonna tie her up.
I'll tie her up. I'll tie her.
Ooh! Have that!
Have that!
Argh!
Sarim. Sarim.
Oh, man, you shoulder it looks
dislocated. Here I'll fix it.
Anley, keep your hand on his
shoulder, no matter what he says.
Don't lift it up.
Quick!
Come on, Vinnie! Get in the car!
Come on!
Faster! Just fucking go!
There's Jim, slow down!
What took you?
Only a fucking woman
would say that.
You see,
this is why I've never got wed.
Shit like this.
Is that the only reason?
Hey,
I've had plenty of offers love.
You all right, love?
It's my last day as a s-single man,
you know.
Yeah, well,
it's not all it's cracked up to be,
you know.
I'm fucking miserable.
You love her man and she loves you.
You've got to hang onto that,
haven't you?
I'm proud of you, Cardi.
Thanks, mate.
Come and give me a love.
You know it won't change owt.
I'll still be here.
I'll still be part of everything.
I know you will.Yeah.I know.
It's all right.
Are you gonna come and check your
wedding out?
Mm?
Yeah. Come on.
Bejewelled, eh?
Yeah, fucking Carol made it.
Ready?
One. Two. Three.
Oh, my...
Are you all right? How are you?
Bloody hell. Who's done that to
Nigel? He looks fucking ace!
So...
Yeah?
Are you gonna tell me what really
happened last night?
Oh, nothing.
Why don't I believe you?
Look, Erin,
honestly, it was nothing.
Right? I promise.
OK.
Dearly beloved.
We are gathered here today to
witness the union of
Carol Dennings and Cardi.
Or, if we're to use him his birth
name, it's actually Leslie Titt.
The joining together of two people
spending the rest of their lives
together is to be respected.
Trust me, as an undertaker,
I've seen many marriages end in
violence, misery and murder...
So if any persons here present know
of any reason
why these two people should not be
joined together in holy wedlock,
can you please speak now
or forever hold your peace.
Yeah, me!
Nah, I'm only kidding. Carry on.
Mind you, fifty percent do end in
divorce so you're probably...
You're making a good point, but
let's continue on, right so...
May we have the bridesmaid and the
best man,
come forth and provide the rings?
Thank you.
Just answer as I ask, OK.Yes.
Do you, Carol Cassandra Denning,
take this man Leslie Arthur Titt?
...sickness and in health?
Police!
Armed police! Nobody move!
Vincent O'Neill.
Nobody move!
Vincent O' Neill, we are arresting
you on conspiracy to murder.
You do not have to say anything
but it may harm your defence
if you fail to mention when
questioned
something which
you later rely on in court.
No, you don't understand. He's my
best friend. It's my-my wedding.
Cardi... Cardi, love...
Vinnie, no. Just go back inside.
You're making a mistake!
Just-Just give me...
Just give me 30 seconds.
You've got me now.
Just 30 seconds.
Erin, I know you don't...
...but I do.
And-And if there was a button,
I'd press it.
I know it's wrong, but you're
the first thing in the morning...
...and you're the last thing
at night.
I just... I don't know how to tell
you how much you mean to me.
Tell Tyler I love him.
Vinnie.