Brassic (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
We've stolen money that belongs
to Terence McCann.
You, Vincent,
are the shit on my shoe.
If I even hear your name again,
you're done.
Are you high?
No.
Where's my antique dildo?
I need your help.
Cut his dick off.
No, no, no!
Erin!
There's a guy in the pub
and he topped himself.
He said,
"Terence McCann made me do it."
'It's Terence.
How does it feel to be dead?'
Oh, fuck it.
All right, Vinnie?
No, wrong person. It's not me.
You what?
I'm not him, am I?
He's dead.
I'm just a doppelganger, love.
A what?
A double!
I'm his double. I just
look a bit like him, don't I?
Oh.
Poor Vinnie.
How did he die?
He slit his own throat.
Do you know where t'bog roll is?
I've no idea.
Are you sure you're not him?
Fuck, I just said that I'm not him!
You're getting me cross now.
Listen to me. I'm dead.
I'm dead! I've had a funeral
and everything.
It's been really sad, Edith,
but we're getting over it.
You just reminded me of it.
Leave it out now, love.
Just shift on.
You're fucking doing my head in,
Edith.
I've just said I'm not him.
Where the fuck's bog roll?
Fuck.
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them
to the birds and bees
# I need money
# That's what I want
Dad?
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# Your love gives me such a thrill
# But your love don't pay my bills
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# Your love gives me such a thrill
You fucking idiot!
# But your love don't pay my bills
# I need money
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
Whoa!
Fucking shit!
# That's what I want
Sorry, Sheila, love,
I broke your fence.Vinnie?
Aagh!
# Money don't get everything,
it's true
# But what it don't get,
I can't use
# I need money
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# Money
# That's what I want
# Lots of money
# That's what I want
Here they are, the Famous Five.
There's six of us, Jim.
Well, the fucking Famous Six, then.
I used to love them stories.
But you can't read them to kids now.
Lefties saying that they're racist.
I remember when marmalade
had gollywogs on the side.
Now, that was diversity.
Where's Vinnie?
He's showering.
At fucking last.
How is he?
Depressed.
Look at him.
Says his bi-polar's bad.
I said to him,
"Bi-polar? It's all in your mind."
I mean, nobody had bi-polar
during the war, did they, eh?
Think about that.
Churchill suffered depression, Jim.
Yeah, he was fighting
the fucking Nazis!
What's he got to worry about? I'm
sick of the fucking sight of him.
You need to get him out of that shed
and get him back robbing again.
Funny you should mention it.
No, dude.
What do you mean, no?
Just count me out, man.
What you gonna do, Vin? Spend the
rest of your life down here getting
stoned and pissing in bottles?
Yes, actually, Erin.
And so would you if your dick
was on the chopping block, love.
Hang on, why are you pissing in
bottles? There's a fucking portaloo.
It's full.
Where are you shitting?
Never mind! Christ.
Look, whatever you've got planned,
just count me out of it.
We need your help, Vin.
This is an opportunity for us all.
Exactly. A legitimate
business opportunity.
'The ownership of the Rat
up for grabs. People pay good money
for quality entertainment.'
Yeah, women shaking
their tits around.
The point is, no need for crime.
No need for your petty theft.
We can even pay tax if it makes
you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Erin will be my assistant manager,
with Sugar, co-assistant manager.
'The girls are all on board, Vinnie.
Kenny Diamond is prepared to
give us the lease.'
But... And this is where you come in,
sunshine. ..there's a problem.
If you want the club, I need 10K.
Cash. By Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday.
By F...
I think we've established
how long we've got.
So we need readies fast.
Ashley, tell him the plan, love.
Yeah.
The Beasleys are coming to town
with their stupid circus.
'They're a bunch of psychopaths.
And you know how much
my family hates them.'
There's been bad blood for years.
So...
I say we rob them. Generators,
stage lights. That's expensive kit.
And where do we sell it?
Whatever we take,
he says he'll have it.
We get the money for the Rat
Cutter and we piss the Beasleys off.
It's a win-win.
And we get you back in t'game.
So it's win... win...
Three wins.
Fuck it. All right, then.
No, on one condition.
We need Dylan.
No!
Why not?
You know why.
Erin.
What? No, because being part of all
that crap, Tommo, ruined my life.
This is the answer, is it, yeah?
Plumbing?
Yeah.
What if I told you Erin wants this?
Mate, she's part of the scheme.
I'd say she's out of her mind.
You want her back.
Eh? Now is your chance to help her.
She's with Jake.
Oh, yeah. Do me a favour.
Little rich boy?
If she was that bothered, she'd have
his ring on her finger by now.
You're seriously gonna give your life
to fucking ballcocks?
Late, sorry, Sara.
Late again.
You were awake when I left you.
Oh, my God. Is it flesh?
Returned from the dead,
it's Osama bin Laden.
Are you all right?
I've been in a weed bunker
for three months pissing in bottles.
Where were you shitting?
Never mind where I've been shitting!
I can't see out of this eye.
I've got gums that
are constantly bleeding.
I can't work out...
I think I've got scabies.
I've been fucking belling you up.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Vin,
I've been snowed under.
But I have been thinking about you.
In fact, I was thinking
about you last weekend.
I was with this er...ladyfriend.
We were having a picnic.
Well, I say picnic.
You know, some brie and nibbles,
a cheeky little glass of Rioja and-
That is... That's a picnic.
She's got this little dog
called Jarvis. It's a cocker.
She was telling me, this little
thing, it's not like an ordinary dog.
It's an emotional support dog.
And I thought...Vinnie.
You... You thought that I was like
her emotional support dog?
No, that's what you need.
They're brilliant, they can...
If you get down, like you,
they can sense it.
And they come over to you, with
little happy faces and they sidle up,
and you stroke them
and they soothe you.
That's just a dog, dude.
That's just a dog. Oh, fuck me.
Be sad. Be down.
What are you doing?
Go on, be miserable and whining,
like you are when you have one of
your depressions. Ready?
For what?
Just be sad.
What the fuck, dude? No...
Happy?
Don't do this, man.
Oi, stop doing all the growly stuff.
It's weird as fuck.
Go on. Happy eyes.
There you are. You've got a little
smile out of little Jarvis!
Your anxiety's melting away.
Dissipating. Woosh!
Pat my head. Pat it.
Come on, stroke my little furry head.
I'm stroking your furry head.
You're trying to get close
to my fucking knees, you pervert.
No, no, no.
Do you ever think...
"Fuck me, I'm a maniac"?
Shit.
It's not gonna be easy, this.
Them lads have serious
muscle down there.
How are we gonna
know what we're taking?
Even if we can get in, we're gonna
need to be in and out double quick.
JJ's right, we can't be fart-arsing
around there looking for stuff.
The Beasleys catch us, we're fucked.
Didn't they cut someone
in half once?
That's part of their act, you
knobhead. They cut someone in half.
No, they cut a boy in half.
Yeah.
Fuck.
I have an idea there, now.
We need an inside man.
Someone to help with logistics,
someone who couldn't give a shit
pissing off the Beasleys.
Do you know someone who can do that?
Mr Popov.
Dyl.
No, no, no. Busy.
Fucking hell, dude,
I've come out of hiding for this.
It's not for me, it's for all of us.
If it helps Erin, it helps Tyler.
Dude, he's your kid, man.
I know, but as far as he's
concerned, you're the man
in his life.
And he loves you and you love him.
You know what? Fine, Dyldo.
Fucking having that.
Fuck.
Man walks into a bar with
a roll of Tarmac under his arm.
"Two pints, please.
One for me and one for t'road."
Ohh!
Nice to see you again.
Well, this place is a shithole.
Good to see you're cheerful.
Happiness, that's for idiots.
And what the bloody hell
have you come as?
I'm in disguise.
Why?
Cos someone's
tried to cut my dick off.
Well, you should let 'em. Mine's
got me into nothing but trouble.
Oh, a trick.
Still going.
Sure you're done now, eh?
It's a dying art, that.
Takes years of practice.
And do the people appreciate it?
Do they fuck.
So what do you want?
All right...Mr Popov.
It's Colin.
Colin.
We know you've had beefs of your own
with the Beasleys.
And what we're after really is...
We need an inside man, all right?
To provide us with information on
just the layout, circus geography.
Hm.
And why would you want that?
We want to borrow some stuff.
I see.
Right.
Brilliant. Another good one.
Where's that gone?
So, what's in it for me, then?
I'm glad you asked.
About 200 quids' worth of weed
there. Knock you right out.
And, Tommo?
I'm the managing director
of an erotic dungeon.
I can get you spanked, wanked and
involved in an Alabama Hot Pocket
this every evening.
Sorry, lads.
I think you've got the wrong man.
Oh.
All right, a threesome
and a Panamanian petting zoo.
No.
So, go on, then.
Name your price.
All right.
I'll take that bag of weed.
And your Panamanian petting zoo.
Plus...
ten per cent of everything you make.
Five.
Ten.
Fuck. Deal.
Oh.
Hey! Hey!
Pizza delivery.
No one's ordered any pizza.
What are you on about?
It's this address.
"Circus." It's a circus, isn't it?
It's all paid for. Wanna check?
Paid for?
Paid for, yeah.
All right, hang on.
You're interested now.
Come on!
There you go.
Hey!
What are you doing?
- Shut the fuck up.
- No, get off!
Stop it. Stop it, dude.
I had me pants down, you cunt.
Get the fuck on.
Twats.
This is me colleague Agent Pink.
No, no,
I don't want to be pink, Vin.
What do you want to be?
Black.
You want to be black?
No, red. Orange.
Orange?
Yeah.
Fuck's sake! This is me colleague,
Agent Orange.
He's gonna stay with you and help
you eat these pizzas. Right?
The rest of us are gonna fuck off.
We'll come back in a bit.
Jesus Christ, you're deceivingly
strong, aren't you?
He said the trucks
have all got names.
We're looking for Bingo Wings
and Dragon Tattoo.
Right, we've come in here.
That's it. That's Dragon Tattoo.
Other one's gonna be over there.
Fuck me. Oh.
It's like BFG and Warwick Davis.
Fucking hell, he's hammered.
He's tripping.
Yeah.
Right, listen. I've got to go and
see if the clown's done his trick.
Which one's which?
It's 50-50.
For fuck's sake, bet
we've got them the wrong way round.
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna take you down
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna show you how
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna take you down
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna show you how
Are you serious? Frodo Shaggins,
get in the fucking truck.
Jesus wept, dude.
Right, come on. Moment of truth.
Fuck! Wrong key!
If you think I'm getting down there,
you've got another thing coming.
Shit, dude.
Fucking walloped me arse, dude.
Wait...
Why is he doing that? Oh, man.
Fucking hell, here he is.
Dickhead.
I've given you the wrong keys.
I know. I've just tried it myself.
Let's not fall out.
It was a 50-50 chance.
Put your fucking hands up!
Who the fuck are you?
We're the fucking cleaners, dude.
What?
We're the cleaners.
Bobby hired us.
Bobby?
Robert.
- Was it Bob?
- Bob, yeah.
It was Bob, wasn't it?
Yeah.It was Bob.
We're called Spick and Span.
We clean fucking trucks and buses.
You don't look like cleaners.
Hang on. What do cleaners look like?
Marigolds, spray bottles, mops...
I see.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I see what's happening here.
Is it because we're men?
It's not cool, man, you can't
say shit like that nowadays.
Can you? You can't say that.
No.
You can't say stuff like that.
I never said that.
You're thinking it. In't he?
In't he, though?
You're fucking just stood there,
thinking,
"Four men. That's a woman's job."
You're putting words in my mouth.
Because we get this shit
all the fucking time.
Honest to God.
Honestly, in the modern world,
the division of labour,
that's changed.
Traditional roles...
Thank fuck for that, dude!
Shit.
Let's get out of here.
How was there not a Bob?
There's always a fucking Bob.
Didn't we already swap?
No, that's the first time.
Oh, my God!
Music.
'I can't say
I'm totally shocked...'
Vin!
Vin! Vinnie!
You fucking arse!
Cardi!
# Woah, go with me now
# Clap your hands now,
people clap now
# Clap your hands now,
people clap your hands
# Clap your hands now,
people clap now
# Clap your hands now,
people clap your hands...
Oh, wow!
That's a right result.
Look at them generators.
That mixing desk is EMI REDD. They
recorded Abbey Road on one of those.
Ladies, we have hit the jackpot.
I reckon there's enough gear here
to get the dosh we need.
And there's still another truck.
Avanti.
Avanti.
Advantage.
Right.
What have we got in here, then?
What's this, then?
Jesus fucking Christ!
It's a fucking lion.
It's a lion from the jungle.
No, I don't think
they're from the jungle, man.
What are we gonna do, lads?
We have to take it back.
We can't take it back,
we can't unsteal a lion.
We've only just nicked it.The
Beasleys will be very pissed off.
It's a trained lion -
a massive part of their show.
I say we get it out, get the truck
shifted before the coppers turn up.
Can't we just
dump the lion with the trucks?
What if it dies?
Why would it die?
Why would it die?
What about food, water?
We could feed it a rabbit.
They don't eat rabbits,
they eat gazelles and buffaloes, man.
The lion is only in here to rest.
The circus would have it out in
the morning.
No, Dyldo's right.
Who's gonna help me move it?
Where you going?
No, no, no.
Listen, it's tame,
it's fucking used to people.
It's not gonna pull anyone's head
off. Dyl, it's domesticated.
It's like a fucking sizeable kitten,
Ashley.
You worked in a circus. Get it out.
I sold popcorn, though.
It's domesticated, man. Where you
going? You're not fucking leaving.
I wasn't. I was-
Stay there.
..staying here.
Fuck, dude.
# The greatest man alive
# But now I'm a man
Let's get Jim.
I want reimbursing for this steak,
Vin.
That's Tesco's Finest, that is.
None of your rump shite,
that's sirloin.
Just come the fuck on.
Here, lion, lion. Come on.
Come on, lion. Come on.
Cardi.
What?
It's looking at me.
Why's it looking at me?
Maybe it fancies you.
Maybe it's racist.
Shut up, dickhead! How can it be
racist? They're from Africa!
Keep the fucking steak
moving this way.
This is without doubt the stupidest
thing you've involved me in.
Think how happy Erin will be when
she's managing that strip club.
Co-assistant managing.
Get to fucking hell with it!
I think I've wet myself.
Give me that fucking thing.
What are you doing?
Jesus, man!
# I've got whiskers on my chin
# Never had no problems
cos I've always paid the rent
# I'm a man
# Yes, I am, and I can't help
but love you so
Fuck.
It's not living in there, Vinnie.
I'm not a fucking zoo!
If that thing keeps me awake
roaring, I'm taking my rifle to it.
All right, I'll shift it.
Yeah, fucking tomorrow!
I will shift it tomorrow!
Jesus Christ, Jimbo!
Fucking hell.
You lot go and shift them fucking
trucks before the police gets here.
Jesus Christ,
nearly had a fucking stroke.
Whoa.
See ya.
Thanks, Jim.
They're big, aren't they?
# Be nice to see you
in the morning light
# Be nice to see you
in the morning light
# Be nice to see you
in the morning light
# Morning light
# Morning light
I'm worried about Tyler.
And Sugar's gonna be here
in a minute.
Sorry.
# It's simply a case of knowing
# That my discontent is showing
What's going on?
I'm moving in.
You're moving in?
Since when?
Since I couldn't
afford the rent by myself.
Dylan!
Whoa! Hey up, big man!
Whoa! How you doing?
Good.
Yeah?
Is this the best idea?
Sugar in the next room to Tyler.
She's not bringing men home, Dylan.
She won't be lap dancing once Tommo
takes over. Co-assistant managing.
With you, I hear.
Yes, but it's temporary
while I do my resits.
If you disapprove so much, why did
you help them rob the circus?
I don't disapprove, Erin. I just-
What?
Dylan, it's a business,
it's what I'm studying to do.
Run a business.
Yeah, hotels and tourism. Not...
All right, so it's all right
for your mate to run a strip club,
just not your ex?
How's Jake?
He's fine.
How's college?
Good.
Your phone's ringing.
Hey up, dude. Cheers, man.
Yeah, I'd better get him to school.
OK.
Does he miss me?
Of course he misses you.
He loves you.
He is playing up a bit, actually.
I'm wondering if it's related.
And Vin? Has he seen him much?
Yeah, a bit. Yeah.
He gave Tyler bloody nits.
It's been hard, though.
Him down there, pissing in bottles.
Where's he shitting?
Who rang on his phone?
Sa-ra.
Saa-raa?
S-A-R-A.
Oh, Sara?
OK.
Bye.
Love you.
Love you.
Bye.
See you later.
See ya.
Fuck!
Fuck off!
# Young boy, done you bad
# I went and did you wrong
Jim! Jim!
Jim!
Jim!
J... Fucking Jim!
Fuck!
Fucking... Jim!
What's up with you?
Lion, dude.
What?
Where the fuck is it?
Pig shed.It's fucked off,
there's been sightings.
That's crap, because I checked
on it first thing.
And I distinctly remember
locking the...
Ho!
Stupid old cunt! It's fucked off.
How the fuck
does anyone lose a lion, man?
I tell you what, it's gonna
pull someone's head off, Jim.
If it does, it's on you. I didn't
steal a fucking jungle creature.
They're not from the jungle!
Fucking wherever it's from!
You brought it here and that's what
I'll tell the judge and the jury.
Fuck it! We need a search party.
Ring Ash and Cardi,
I'll ring Tommo and JJ.
Fuck's sake!
Not there.
No.
Where the fuck's the lion?
That's it, innit? It's fucking gone.
The thing about a lion, right,
it's bound to turn up somewhere.
Thank God you're here!
Of course, you bell end!
Let' just wait for it to maul
a child, fucking job done.
In case you've forgotten,
some of us have got a club to open.
And I need that dough.
So you - lion watch.
The rest of us - Chinese Dan.
Right...
Fucking hell, lads!
'Hello?'
Hello?
'Hello?'
I'm here to see Chinese Dan.
'Who is it?'
Vincent O'Neill.
'Mate, the buzzer's broken.'
What are you using it for, then?
Christ, were you just there then?
What?
Were you just stood there?
What are you using t'buzzer for?
I wasn't.
Dude, I heard one step.
Like, one step then you were here.
What are you using that for?
Dunno.
Well, I need to see Chinese Dan.
I've got some stuff for him here.
Wait here, I'll go and get him.
Here... Here y'are, mate. Hello?
Who are you?
His bodyguard.
All right.
He's a sandwich short, him.
Bloody bodyguard.
Dan's a low-level importer-exporter,
do you know what I mean?
Oh, dear, dear.
Fucking hell.
Dear, dear.
Jesus Christ.
All right, Dan. Is there a problem?
You know I love you, Vin,
but what am I supposed to do
with this heap of crap?
Heap of crap? It's fucking
professional kit, that.
Professional kit? Look at it.
It's worn, it's battered,
it's unloved.
Where've you picked it up from,
1975?
You fucking know this is good gear.
Look at that mixing desk.
Look at it.
That's a classic.
Yeah, "classic" being
a euphemism for "ancient".
The fucking Beatles recorded on one
of them.
Daniel, tell him about The Beatles.
Abbey Road, maybe Sgt Pepper's.
The Beatles? Well, I'm an Elvis man.
In't that right, Calvin?
# When no one else can understand me
# When everything I do is wrong
# You give me hope and consolation
Dan, the fuck, mate.
# You give me strength to carry on
# And you're always there
# To lend a hand
# In everything I do-oo
# That's the wonder
# The wonder of you
You finished?
Very good.
Thank you very much.
What are you doing?
He's fucking shafting us, Cardi!
You're shafting us.
That hurts, Vincent.
Let's get it right. You know we need
fast readies so you're screwing us.
Let me put it plain.
We need £10,000 cash for
the lease on a club by Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday!
So all this gear,
every scrap of it's yours for 10K.
I'll give you four.You can fuck
off, Dan, I won't fucking barter!
It's ten or nothing.
Suit yourself. Nothing.
Well, then... Fuck. Nine, then?
I thought you weren't bartering?
Five...and that's me
going out on a limb.
Eight. Eight?
Six.
Five.
Fine, fucking Dan!
Fuck's sake.
Fine. I'm not gonna forget this.
Calvin, help them bring it in.
Petula?
Come on, girl.
Petula?
Petula?
He wanted to call the authorities.
Well, he can forget that.
It's not his bloody lion, is it?
We have to get rid of it, Vin,
before it attacks one of us.
We could just ring t'cops
and say it wandered across t'fields.
Use your brain. The lion's precious
to the circus, they want it back.
So...we're gonna give it back.
How are we gonna do that, eh?
You said it yourself. If we give it
back, they'll know we stole the gear.
Always thinking.
What's that mean?
Bring back the
girl and that'll be the end of it.
But if you don't,
I'll hunt you down and find you.
And I will kill you.
All right, mate.
If you bring back the girl,
that will be the end of it.
Ow!
Stop fucking about, mate!
Boys!
Hold it.
Dial the number.
You're fucking being a knobhead.
Shh.
For fuck's sake, can never get
a fucking minute. Give me a minute.
'Hello, who's this?'
I have your lion.
- You what?
- I have your lion.
Brian?
Not fucking Brian! I have your lion!
Lion. Lion.
'I can't make out a word
you're saying, pal.'
I have your fucking lion, pal.
Motherfucker!
Who is this?
I'm the man who has your lion
and if you want to see it-
You've got all my fucking
stage lights as well.
No, no. No, we don't.
We fucking sold them.
Oh, you are dead!
We had to postpone the show!
I don't need this.
I've got a fucking heart condition.
All right, well, calm down, then.
You can have your fucking lion back,
it'll cost you seven grand.
Seven... Seven?
I'll tell you what.
Keep it.
What?
Keep the stupid lion.
What the fuck am I gonna do with it?
You should've thought about that
before you fucking stole it!
Six grand, then. Six grand.
'Two.'
Two!
Fucking five,
and that's me going out on a limb.
Four. Final offer.
Fuck. All right, deal. Deal..
Listen carefully, this
is how we're gonna do the swap.
Fuck's sake.
Any sign?
No.
Do you want a pickled egg?
No.
Ey-oh.
Approaching car.
Two knuckleheads visible.
What's going on?
'Red alert.'
What do you mean, red alert?
'There's a car approaching.'
How's that red alert?
It's not even bloody amber.
You're not giving yourself
anywhere to go.
B-Be prepared.'Fine, amber.
Have they done the drop?'
Have they done t'drop?
No.
Not yet. We're watching.
Well, that's an amber, innit?
Hey, hey, hey.
What?
Cardi, what's happening?
Ah, yeah, red alert.
Someone's got out.
He's got an holdall, looks heavy.
'He's walking to t'bus shelter.'
Listen, my lot's here for the lion.
Get down and check that bloody bag.
'They haven't left.'
What?
They're just talking
to one another in t'car.
They're sharing a pasty.
They're sharing a pasty.
Looks like a Cornish,
could be chicken and mushroom.
'Looks like a Cornish, but it
could be chicken and mushroom.'
They're taking it. The trailer's
attached to their van.Fuck, no!
Listen, don't let them take the lion
without checking the bag, lads!
What the fuck?
Will you shoot something?
I'm not shooting at the Beasleys.
Fuck.
They're going.
They're going.
'Get down there fast
and check that fucking bag!'
Roger. Affirmative.
Cardi? Cardi?
Cardi?
Fuck!
Yeah, I think they've er...
I think they've screwed us.
What the fuck?
Give me that fucking gun.
Come on, Vin.
Never mind "Come on, Vin."
Fuck!
# Hey, hey, I gotta pick myself
up off the ground
I missed.
Come on, Vin. We robbed them,
they robbed us back. Fair's fair.
Fair's fair?We made a profit
and got rid of the lion.
Let's just be satisfied.
We're still five grand short.
Plus Popov's cut.
Fucking Beasley.
He's not getting away with this.
'Then the assistant
is covered by a curtain.
The curtain is removed and the
assistant's been turned into a lion.
How did they do that?
'So, you ask, how did they do that?'
'Obviously, there
has to be an explanation.'
Can we have a lion?
No, you've got one on your bed.
'The lion's actually inside the cage
during the entire illusion.
Using raw meat as a lure, the lion
is enticed to stand behind a wall.
The assistant drops into a secret
compartment at the base of the cage.
She pulls on a cord that releases
the lion into the cage.
Any mistake, and the girl and the
lion end up in the cage at the same
time with horrific consequences.'
All right.
Sugar...how do you fancy
being the lady?
Are you out of your mind?
Go and get the lion. Go on.
Vin, man, it's not rational thinking.
You can't just burst into a circus.
I'll do it.
What?
I'll do it.
If it's good for the business, yeah.
Why not?
Why not?
Right, well, let me think.
Cos there's a fucking lion
in the cage, Erin.
Yeah, well,
I think we've found our lady.
Same deal as last time?
Same deal as last time.
Including the Hot Pocket?
# I'm gonna make her love me
# Till a rock ain't stone
# I'm gonna make her love me
till the cows come home
# I'm gonna make her love me
till the cows come home
Me dad was a stilt walker.
I looked up to him.
Christ.
There she is.
Who?
Blonde hair, headscarf.
Right.
Good luck.
Thanks, dude.
Fucking hell, I shit myself.
Dickhead! Bloody hell!
Hiya, I'm...
I wonder if you could help me.
I'm looking for Popov.
I'm part of his new act.
I feel bad on her now.
Don't. She's an awful bitch.
Come on. Get an outfit on.
Which one?
I don't know. One that's like hers.
I'll do your make-up.
OK.
You two get down the office,
I'll find Nat Beasley.
Erin?
Yeah?
Do you know what you're doing?
Kind of, yeah.
Don't worry, I won't look.
Right, go on.
You look amazing.
I feel it.
You're really OK doing this?
Why not?
In case you end up inside a lion.
Dylan, you've seen the video.
It's eaten, OK?
Why are you doing this?
For fun.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Boys and girls.
A darkness lies in all of us,
like a beast roaring to get out.
Tonight, my friends,
by using the power of my mind,
I will transform
this beautiful lady...
..into a fierce lion!
Lady into a lion, eh?
It's gonna go wrong, this.
Who the fuck are you?
You see that lady there?
She's not your lady. She's mine.
Unless you pay me the five grand
you owe me for the fucking lion
you stole,
she's not pulling back the cord
to release the false wall.
You're the bastard that robbed me!
What? Shit. What? What?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Fucking relax.
Who are you?
Stand-in. Cassie's unwell.
You've never had a show go wrong
and it won't today,
if you pay me the five grand cash.
The lady is now trapped.
I've got lads in the audience
filming it.
You're gonna be
a fucking laughing stock.
The crowd's gonna be disappointed,
there'll be loads of refunds-
All right!
If she's in the cage,
how will she know I've agreed?
Text. No message, no lion.
I want everyone to count from ten...
Come on, Vinnie, for fuck's sake.
Shit.
My boys are at your office. I want
five grand cash. Make the call.
You... You're fucking dead for this.
I am gonna make you part
of my own personal magic show.
Sounds sexual.
Liam, pay the cunts.
Just fucking do it!
Fuck! Is the reception bad in here?
Just fucking send it.
I'm sending it. I'm sending it.
Are you ready?
Ten, nine...
Fucking send it!
I'm fucking trying to send it.
..six, five...
four, three...
Fuck.
..one...
Release the beast!
Get after those bastards.
And get that bitch out of that cage.
I want a fucking word with her.
You were amazing!I'm co-assistant
manager, these things must be done.
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
Vinnie, wait!
# Jezebel
# I like the sound of funky music
# Let me hear you singing
# I like the sound
# I like it
# Of funky music
# Cos funky music
sho nuff turns me on
Dylan, come here, you twat.
Give me a hug.
We did it, man.
We did it.
Dude, where are you shitting?
Never mind where I'm shitting.
Shall we get a beer here?
Get in.
See that face?
The face of a traitor.
Just be cool, man!
Tommo, where are you?
France, mate. Booze cruise
for the Rat
Fresh scones,
straight from the oven.
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
A fucking porno, Carol?
What a phallus.
Hold on! Here we go!
'Who fancies a nice day out?'
Fuck.
to Terence McCann.
You, Vincent,
are the shit on my shoe.
If I even hear your name again,
you're done.
Are you high?
No.
Where's my antique dildo?
I need your help.
Cut his dick off.
No, no, no!
Erin!
There's a guy in the pub
and he topped himself.
He said,
"Terence McCann made me do it."
'It's Terence.
How does it feel to be dead?'
Oh, fuck it.
All right, Vinnie?
No, wrong person. It's not me.
You what?
I'm not him, am I?
He's dead.
I'm just a doppelganger, love.
A what?
A double!
I'm his double. I just
look a bit like him, don't I?
Oh.
Poor Vinnie.
How did he die?
He slit his own throat.
Do you know where t'bog roll is?
I've no idea.
Are you sure you're not him?
Fuck, I just said that I'm not him!
You're getting me cross now.
Listen to me. I'm dead.
I'm dead! I've had a funeral
and everything.
It's been really sad, Edith,
but we're getting over it.
You just reminded me of it.
Leave it out now, love.
Just shift on.
You're fucking doing my head in,
Edith.
I've just said I'm not him.
Where the fuck's bog roll?
Fuck.
# The best things in life are free
# But you can give them
to the birds and bees
# I need money
# That's what I want
Dad?
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# Your love gives me such a thrill
# But your love don't pay my bills
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# Your love gives me such a thrill
You fucking idiot!
# But your love don't pay my bills
# I need money
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
Whoa!
Fucking shit!
# That's what I want
Sorry, Sheila, love,
I broke your fence.Vinnie?
Aagh!
# Money don't get everything,
it's true
# But what it don't get,
I can't use
# I need money
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# That's what I want
# Money
# That's what I want
# Lots of money
# That's what I want
Here they are, the Famous Five.
There's six of us, Jim.
Well, the fucking Famous Six, then.
I used to love them stories.
But you can't read them to kids now.
Lefties saying that they're racist.
I remember when marmalade
had gollywogs on the side.
Now, that was diversity.
Where's Vinnie?
He's showering.
At fucking last.
How is he?
Depressed.
Look at him.
Says his bi-polar's bad.
I said to him,
"Bi-polar? It's all in your mind."
I mean, nobody had bi-polar
during the war, did they, eh?
Think about that.
Churchill suffered depression, Jim.
Yeah, he was fighting
the fucking Nazis!
What's he got to worry about? I'm
sick of the fucking sight of him.
You need to get him out of that shed
and get him back robbing again.
Funny you should mention it.
No, dude.
What do you mean, no?
Just count me out, man.
What you gonna do, Vin? Spend the
rest of your life down here getting
stoned and pissing in bottles?
Yes, actually, Erin.
And so would you if your dick
was on the chopping block, love.
Hang on, why are you pissing in
bottles? There's a fucking portaloo.
It's full.
Where are you shitting?
Never mind! Christ.
Look, whatever you've got planned,
just count me out of it.
We need your help, Vin.
This is an opportunity for us all.
Exactly. A legitimate
business opportunity.
'The ownership of the Rat
up for grabs. People pay good money
for quality entertainment.'
Yeah, women shaking
their tits around.
The point is, no need for crime.
No need for your petty theft.
We can even pay tax if it makes
you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Erin will be my assistant manager,
with Sugar, co-assistant manager.
'The girls are all on board, Vinnie.
Kenny Diamond is prepared to
give us the lease.'
But... And this is where you come in,
sunshine. ..there's a problem.
If you want the club, I need 10K.
Cash. By Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday.
By F...
I think we've established
how long we've got.
So we need readies fast.
Ashley, tell him the plan, love.
Yeah.
The Beasleys are coming to town
with their stupid circus.
'They're a bunch of psychopaths.
And you know how much
my family hates them.'
There's been bad blood for years.
So...
I say we rob them. Generators,
stage lights. That's expensive kit.
And where do we sell it?
Whatever we take,
he says he'll have it.
We get the money for the Rat
Cutter and we piss the Beasleys off.
It's a win-win.
And we get you back in t'game.
So it's win... win...
Three wins.
Fuck it. All right, then.
No, on one condition.
We need Dylan.
No!
Why not?
You know why.
Erin.
What? No, because being part of all
that crap, Tommo, ruined my life.
This is the answer, is it, yeah?
Plumbing?
Yeah.
What if I told you Erin wants this?
Mate, she's part of the scheme.
I'd say she's out of her mind.
You want her back.
Eh? Now is your chance to help her.
She's with Jake.
Oh, yeah. Do me a favour.
Little rich boy?
If she was that bothered, she'd have
his ring on her finger by now.
You're seriously gonna give your life
to fucking ballcocks?
Late, sorry, Sara.
Late again.
You were awake when I left you.
Oh, my God. Is it flesh?
Returned from the dead,
it's Osama bin Laden.
Are you all right?
I've been in a weed bunker
for three months pissing in bottles.
Where were you shitting?
Never mind where I've been shitting!
I can't see out of this eye.
I've got gums that
are constantly bleeding.
I can't work out...
I think I've got scabies.
I've been fucking belling you up.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Vin,
I've been snowed under.
But I have been thinking about you.
In fact, I was thinking
about you last weekend.
I was with this er...ladyfriend.
We were having a picnic.
Well, I say picnic.
You know, some brie and nibbles,
a cheeky little glass of Rioja and-
That is... That's a picnic.
She's got this little dog
called Jarvis. It's a cocker.
She was telling me, this little
thing, it's not like an ordinary dog.
It's an emotional support dog.
And I thought...Vinnie.
You... You thought that I was like
her emotional support dog?
No, that's what you need.
They're brilliant, they can...
If you get down, like you,
they can sense it.
And they come over to you, with
little happy faces and they sidle up,
and you stroke them
and they soothe you.
That's just a dog, dude.
That's just a dog. Oh, fuck me.
Be sad. Be down.
What are you doing?
Go on, be miserable and whining,
like you are when you have one of
your depressions. Ready?
For what?
Just be sad.
What the fuck, dude? No...
Happy?
Don't do this, man.
Oi, stop doing all the growly stuff.
It's weird as fuck.
Go on. Happy eyes.
There you are. You've got a little
smile out of little Jarvis!
Your anxiety's melting away.
Dissipating. Woosh!
Pat my head. Pat it.
Come on, stroke my little furry head.
I'm stroking your furry head.
You're trying to get close
to my fucking knees, you pervert.
No, no, no.
Do you ever think...
"Fuck me, I'm a maniac"?
Shit.
It's not gonna be easy, this.
Them lads have serious
muscle down there.
How are we gonna
know what we're taking?
Even if we can get in, we're gonna
need to be in and out double quick.
JJ's right, we can't be fart-arsing
around there looking for stuff.
The Beasleys catch us, we're fucked.
Didn't they cut someone
in half once?
That's part of their act, you
knobhead. They cut someone in half.
No, they cut a boy in half.
Yeah.
Fuck.
I have an idea there, now.
We need an inside man.
Someone to help with logistics,
someone who couldn't give a shit
pissing off the Beasleys.
Do you know someone who can do that?
Mr Popov.
Dyl.
No, no, no. Busy.
Fucking hell, dude,
I've come out of hiding for this.
It's not for me, it's for all of us.
If it helps Erin, it helps Tyler.
Dude, he's your kid, man.
I know, but as far as he's
concerned, you're the man
in his life.
And he loves you and you love him.
You know what? Fine, Dyldo.
Fucking having that.
Fuck.
Man walks into a bar with
a roll of Tarmac under his arm.
"Two pints, please.
One for me and one for t'road."
Ohh!
Nice to see you again.
Well, this place is a shithole.
Good to see you're cheerful.
Happiness, that's for idiots.
And what the bloody hell
have you come as?
I'm in disguise.
Why?
Cos someone's
tried to cut my dick off.
Well, you should let 'em. Mine's
got me into nothing but trouble.
Oh, a trick.
Still going.
Sure you're done now, eh?
It's a dying art, that.
Takes years of practice.
And do the people appreciate it?
Do they fuck.
So what do you want?
All right...Mr Popov.
It's Colin.
Colin.
We know you've had beefs of your own
with the Beasleys.
And what we're after really is...
We need an inside man, all right?
To provide us with information on
just the layout, circus geography.
Hm.
And why would you want that?
We want to borrow some stuff.
I see.
Right.
Brilliant. Another good one.
Where's that gone?
So, what's in it for me, then?
I'm glad you asked.
About 200 quids' worth of weed
there. Knock you right out.
And, Tommo?
I'm the managing director
of an erotic dungeon.
I can get you spanked, wanked and
involved in an Alabama Hot Pocket
this every evening.
Sorry, lads.
I think you've got the wrong man.
Oh.
All right, a threesome
and a Panamanian petting zoo.
No.
So, go on, then.
Name your price.
All right.
I'll take that bag of weed.
And your Panamanian petting zoo.
Plus...
ten per cent of everything you make.
Five.
Ten.
Fuck. Deal.
Oh.
Hey! Hey!
Pizza delivery.
No one's ordered any pizza.
What are you on about?
It's this address.
"Circus." It's a circus, isn't it?
It's all paid for. Wanna check?
Paid for?
Paid for, yeah.
All right, hang on.
You're interested now.
Come on!
There you go.
Hey!
What are you doing?
- Shut the fuck up.
- No, get off!
Stop it. Stop it, dude.
I had me pants down, you cunt.
Get the fuck on.
Twats.
This is me colleague Agent Pink.
No, no,
I don't want to be pink, Vin.
What do you want to be?
Black.
You want to be black?
No, red. Orange.
Orange?
Yeah.
Fuck's sake! This is me colleague,
Agent Orange.
He's gonna stay with you and help
you eat these pizzas. Right?
The rest of us are gonna fuck off.
We'll come back in a bit.
Jesus Christ, you're deceivingly
strong, aren't you?
He said the trucks
have all got names.
We're looking for Bingo Wings
and Dragon Tattoo.
Right, we've come in here.
That's it. That's Dragon Tattoo.
Other one's gonna be over there.
Fuck me. Oh.
It's like BFG and Warwick Davis.
Fucking hell, he's hammered.
He's tripping.
Yeah.
Right, listen. I've got to go and
see if the clown's done his trick.
Which one's which?
It's 50-50.
For fuck's sake, bet
we've got them the wrong way round.
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna take you down
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna show you how
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna take you down
# Woah, come with me now
# I'm gonna show you how
Are you serious? Frodo Shaggins,
get in the fucking truck.
Jesus wept, dude.
Right, come on. Moment of truth.
Fuck! Wrong key!
If you think I'm getting down there,
you've got another thing coming.
Shit, dude.
Fucking walloped me arse, dude.
Wait...
Why is he doing that? Oh, man.
Fucking hell, here he is.
Dickhead.
I've given you the wrong keys.
I know. I've just tried it myself.
Let's not fall out.
It was a 50-50 chance.
Put your fucking hands up!
Who the fuck are you?
We're the fucking cleaners, dude.
What?
We're the cleaners.
Bobby hired us.
Bobby?
Robert.
- Was it Bob?
- Bob, yeah.
It was Bob, wasn't it?
Yeah.It was Bob.
We're called Spick and Span.
We clean fucking trucks and buses.
You don't look like cleaners.
Hang on. What do cleaners look like?
Marigolds, spray bottles, mops...
I see.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I see what's happening here.
Is it because we're men?
It's not cool, man, you can't
say shit like that nowadays.
Can you? You can't say that.
No.
You can't say stuff like that.
I never said that.
You're thinking it. In't he?
In't he, though?
You're fucking just stood there,
thinking,
"Four men. That's a woman's job."
You're putting words in my mouth.
Because we get this shit
all the fucking time.
Honest to God.
Honestly, in the modern world,
the division of labour,
that's changed.
Traditional roles...
Thank fuck for that, dude!
Shit.
Let's get out of here.
How was there not a Bob?
There's always a fucking Bob.
Didn't we already swap?
No, that's the first time.
Oh, my God!
Music.
'I can't say
I'm totally shocked...'
Vin!
Vin! Vinnie!
You fucking arse!
Cardi!
# Woah, go with me now
# Clap your hands now,
people clap now
# Clap your hands now,
people clap your hands
# Clap your hands now,
people clap now
# Clap your hands now,
people clap your hands...
Oh, wow!
That's a right result.
Look at them generators.
That mixing desk is EMI REDD. They
recorded Abbey Road on one of those.
Ladies, we have hit the jackpot.
I reckon there's enough gear here
to get the dosh we need.
And there's still another truck.
Avanti.
Avanti.
Advantage.
Right.
What have we got in here, then?
What's this, then?
Jesus fucking Christ!
It's a fucking lion.
It's a lion from the jungle.
No, I don't think
they're from the jungle, man.
What are we gonna do, lads?
We have to take it back.
We can't take it back,
we can't unsteal a lion.
We've only just nicked it.The
Beasleys will be very pissed off.
It's a trained lion -
a massive part of their show.
I say we get it out, get the truck
shifted before the coppers turn up.
Can't we just
dump the lion with the trucks?
What if it dies?
Why would it die?
Why would it die?
What about food, water?
We could feed it a rabbit.
They don't eat rabbits,
they eat gazelles and buffaloes, man.
The lion is only in here to rest.
The circus would have it out in
the morning.
No, Dyldo's right.
Who's gonna help me move it?
Where you going?
No, no, no.
Listen, it's tame,
it's fucking used to people.
It's not gonna pull anyone's head
off. Dyl, it's domesticated.
It's like a fucking sizeable kitten,
Ashley.
You worked in a circus. Get it out.
I sold popcorn, though.
It's domesticated, man. Where you
going? You're not fucking leaving.
I wasn't. I was-
Stay there.
..staying here.
Fuck, dude.
# The greatest man alive
# But now I'm a man
Let's get Jim.
I want reimbursing for this steak,
Vin.
That's Tesco's Finest, that is.
None of your rump shite,
that's sirloin.
Just come the fuck on.
Here, lion, lion. Come on.
Come on, lion. Come on.
Cardi.
What?
It's looking at me.
Why's it looking at me?
Maybe it fancies you.
Maybe it's racist.
Shut up, dickhead! How can it be
racist? They're from Africa!
Keep the fucking steak
moving this way.
This is without doubt the stupidest
thing you've involved me in.
Think how happy Erin will be when
she's managing that strip club.
Co-assistant managing.
Get to fucking hell with it!
I think I've wet myself.
Give me that fucking thing.
What are you doing?
Jesus, man!
# I've got whiskers on my chin
# Never had no problems
cos I've always paid the rent
# I'm a man
# Yes, I am, and I can't help
but love you so
Fuck.
It's not living in there, Vinnie.
I'm not a fucking zoo!
If that thing keeps me awake
roaring, I'm taking my rifle to it.
All right, I'll shift it.
Yeah, fucking tomorrow!
I will shift it tomorrow!
Jesus Christ, Jimbo!
Fucking hell.
You lot go and shift them fucking
trucks before the police gets here.
Jesus Christ,
nearly had a fucking stroke.
Whoa.
See ya.
Thanks, Jim.
They're big, aren't they?
# Be nice to see you
in the morning light
# Be nice to see you
in the morning light
# Be nice to see you
in the morning light
# Morning light
# Morning light
I'm worried about Tyler.
And Sugar's gonna be here
in a minute.
Sorry.
# It's simply a case of knowing
# That my discontent is showing
What's going on?
I'm moving in.
You're moving in?
Since when?
Since I couldn't
afford the rent by myself.
Dylan!
Whoa! Hey up, big man!
Whoa! How you doing?
Good.
Yeah?
Is this the best idea?
Sugar in the next room to Tyler.
She's not bringing men home, Dylan.
She won't be lap dancing once Tommo
takes over. Co-assistant managing.
With you, I hear.
Yes, but it's temporary
while I do my resits.
If you disapprove so much, why did
you help them rob the circus?
I don't disapprove, Erin. I just-
What?
Dylan, it's a business,
it's what I'm studying to do.
Run a business.
Yeah, hotels and tourism. Not...
All right, so it's all right
for your mate to run a strip club,
just not your ex?
How's Jake?
He's fine.
How's college?
Good.
Your phone's ringing.
Hey up, dude. Cheers, man.
Yeah, I'd better get him to school.
OK.
Does he miss me?
Of course he misses you.
He loves you.
He is playing up a bit, actually.
I'm wondering if it's related.
And Vin? Has he seen him much?
Yeah, a bit. Yeah.
He gave Tyler bloody nits.
It's been hard, though.
Him down there, pissing in bottles.
Where's he shitting?
Who rang on his phone?
Sa-ra.
Saa-raa?
S-A-R-A.
Oh, Sara?
OK.
Bye.
Love you.
Love you.
Bye.
See you later.
See ya.
Fuck!
Fuck off!
# Young boy, done you bad
# I went and did you wrong
Jim! Jim!
Jim!
Jim!
J... Fucking Jim!
Fuck!
Fucking... Jim!
What's up with you?
Lion, dude.
What?
Where the fuck is it?
Pig shed.It's fucked off,
there's been sightings.
That's crap, because I checked
on it first thing.
And I distinctly remember
locking the...
Ho!
Stupid old cunt! It's fucked off.
How the fuck
does anyone lose a lion, man?
I tell you what, it's gonna
pull someone's head off, Jim.
If it does, it's on you. I didn't
steal a fucking jungle creature.
They're not from the jungle!
Fucking wherever it's from!
You brought it here and that's what
I'll tell the judge and the jury.
Fuck it! We need a search party.
Ring Ash and Cardi,
I'll ring Tommo and JJ.
Fuck's sake!
Not there.
No.
Where the fuck's the lion?
That's it, innit? It's fucking gone.
The thing about a lion, right,
it's bound to turn up somewhere.
Thank God you're here!
Of course, you bell end!
Let' just wait for it to maul
a child, fucking job done.
In case you've forgotten,
some of us have got a club to open.
And I need that dough.
So you - lion watch.
The rest of us - Chinese Dan.
Right...
Fucking hell, lads!
'Hello?'
Hello?
'Hello?'
I'm here to see Chinese Dan.
'Who is it?'
Vincent O'Neill.
'Mate, the buzzer's broken.'
What are you using it for, then?
Christ, were you just there then?
What?
Were you just stood there?
What are you using t'buzzer for?
I wasn't.
Dude, I heard one step.
Like, one step then you were here.
What are you using that for?
Dunno.
Well, I need to see Chinese Dan.
I've got some stuff for him here.
Wait here, I'll go and get him.
Here... Here y'are, mate. Hello?
Who are you?
His bodyguard.
All right.
He's a sandwich short, him.
Bloody bodyguard.
Dan's a low-level importer-exporter,
do you know what I mean?
Oh, dear, dear.
Fucking hell.
Dear, dear.
Jesus Christ.
All right, Dan. Is there a problem?
You know I love you, Vin,
but what am I supposed to do
with this heap of crap?
Heap of crap? It's fucking
professional kit, that.
Professional kit? Look at it.
It's worn, it's battered,
it's unloved.
Where've you picked it up from,
1975?
You fucking know this is good gear.
Look at that mixing desk.
Look at it.
That's a classic.
Yeah, "classic" being
a euphemism for "ancient".
The fucking Beatles recorded on one
of them.
Daniel, tell him about The Beatles.
Abbey Road, maybe Sgt Pepper's.
The Beatles? Well, I'm an Elvis man.
In't that right, Calvin?
# When no one else can understand me
# When everything I do is wrong
# You give me hope and consolation
Dan, the fuck, mate.
# You give me strength to carry on
# And you're always there
# To lend a hand
# In everything I do-oo
# That's the wonder
# The wonder of you
You finished?
Very good.
Thank you very much.
What are you doing?
He's fucking shafting us, Cardi!
You're shafting us.
That hurts, Vincent.
Let's get it right. You know we need
fast readies so you're screwing us.
Let me put it plain.
We need £10,000 cash for
the lease on a club by Friday.
By Friday?
By Friday!
So all this gear,
every scrap of it's yours for 10K.
I'll give you four.You can fuck
off, Dan, I won't fucking barter!
It's ten or nothing.
Suit yourself. Nothing.
Well, then... Fuck. Nine, then?
I thought you weren't bartering?
Five...and that's me
going out on a limb.
Eight. Eight?
Six.
Five.
Fine, fucking Dan!
Fuck's sake.
Fine. I'm not gonna forget this.
Calvin, help them bring it in.
Petula?
Come on, girl.
Petula?
Petula?
He wanted to call the authorities.
Well, he can forget that.
It's not his bloody lion, is it?
We have to get rid of it, Vin,
before it attacks one of us.
We could just ring t'cops
and say it wandered across t'fields.
Use your brain. The lion's precious
to the circus, they want it back.
So...we're gonna give it back.
How are we gonna do that, eh?
You said it yourself. If we give it
back, they'll know we stole the gear.
Always thinking.
What's that mean?
Bring back the
girl and that'll be the end of it.
But if you don't,
I'll hunt you down and find you.
And I will kill you.
All right, mate.
If you bring back the girl,
that will be the end of it.
Ow!
Stop fucking about, mate!
Boys!
Hold it.
Dial the number.
You're fucking being a knobhead.
Shh.
For fuck's sake, can never get
a fucking minute. Give me a minute.
'Hello, who's this?'
I have your lion.
- You what?
- I have your lion.
Brian?
Not fucking Brian! I have your lion!
Lion. Lion.
'I can't make out a word
you're saying, pal.'
I have your fucking lion, pal.
Motherfucker!
Who is this?
I'm the man who has your lion
and if you want to see it-
You've got all my fucking
stage lights as well.
No, no. No, we don't.
We fucking sold them.
Oh, you are dead!
We had to postpone the show!
I don't need this.
I've got a fucking heart condition.
All right, well, calm down, then.
You can have your fucking lion back,
it'll cost you seven grand.
Seven... Seven?
I'll tell you what.
Keep it.
What?
Keep the stupid lion.
What the fuck am I gonna do with it?
You should've thought about that
before you fucking stole it!
Six grand, then. Six grand.
'Two.'
Two!
Fucking five,
and that's me going out on a limb.
Four. Final offer.
Fuck. All right, deal. Deal..
Listen carefully, this
is how we're gonna do the swap.
Fuck's sake.
Any sign?
No.
Do you want a pickled egg?
No.
Ey-oh.
Approaching car.
Two knuckleheads visible.
What's going on?
'Red alert.'
What do you mean, red alert?
'There's a car approaching.'
How's that red alert?
It's not even bloody amber.
You're not giving yourself
anywhere to go.
B-Be prepared.'Fine, amber.
Have they done the drop?'
Have they done t'drop?
No.
Not yet. We're watching.
Well, that's an amber, innit?
Hey, hey, hey.
What?
Cardi, what's happening?
Ah, yeah, red alert.
Someone's got out.
He's got an holdall, looks heavy.
'He's walking to t'bus shelter.'
Listen, my lot's here for the lion.
Get down and check that bloody bag.
'They haven't left.'
What?
They're just talking
to one another in t'car.
They're sharing a pasty.
They're sharing a pasty.
Looks like a Cornish,
could be chicken and mushroom.
'Looks like a Cornish, but it
could be chicken and mushroom.'
They're taking it. The trailer's
attached to their van.Fuck, no!
Listen, don't let them take the lion
without checking the bag, lads!
What the fuck?
Will you shoot something?
I'm not shooting at the Beasleys.
Fuck.
They're going.
They're going.
'Get down there fast
and check that fucking bag!'
Roger. Affirmative.
Cardi? Cardi?
Cardi?
Fuck!
Yeah, I think they've er...
I think they've screwed us.
What the fuck?
Give me that fucking gun.
Come on, Vin.
Never mind "Come on, Vin."
Fuck!
# Hey, hey, I gotta pick myself
up off the ground
I missed.
Come on, Vin. We robbed them,
they robbed us back. Fair's fair.
Fair's fair?We made a profit
and got rid of the lion.
Let's just be satisfied.
We're still five grand short.
Plus Popov's cut.
Fucking Beasley.
He's not getting away with this.
'Then the assistant
is covered by a curtain.
The curtain is removed and the
assistant's been turned into a lion.
How did they do that?
'So, you ask, how did they do that?'
'Obviously, there
has to be an explanation.'
Can we have a lion?
No, you've got one on your bed.
'The lion's actually inside the cage
during the entire illusion.
Using raw meat as a lure, the lion
is enticed to stand behind a wall.
The assistant drops into a secret
compartment at the base of the cage.
She pulls on a cord that releases
the lion into the cage.
Any mistake, and the girl and the
lion end up in the cage at the same
time with horrific consequences.'
All right.
Sugar...how do you fancy
being the lady?
Are you out of your mind?
Go and get the lion. Go on.
Vin, man, it's not rational thinking.
You can't just burst into a circus.
I'll do it.
What?
I'll do it.
If it's good for the business, yeah.
Why not?
Why not?
Right, well, let me think.
Cos there's a fucking lion
in the cage, Erin.
Yeah, well,
I think we've found our lady.
Same deal as last time?
Same deal as last time.
Including the Hot Pocket?
# I'm gonna make her love me
# Till a rock ain't stone
# I'm gonna make her love me
till the cows come home
# I'm gonna make her love me
till the cows come home
Me dad was a stilt walker.
I looked up to him.
Christ.
There she is.
Who?
Blonde hair, headscarf.
Right.
Good luck.
Thanks, dude.
Fucking hell, I shit myself.
Dickhead! Bloody hell!
Hiya, I'm...
I wonder if you could help me.
I'm looking for Popov.
I'm part of his new act.
I feel bad on her now.
Don't. She's an awful bitch.
Come on. Get an outfit on.
Which one?
I don't know. One that's like hers.
I'll do your make-up.
OK.
You two get down the office,
I'll find Nat Beasley.
Erin?
Yeah?
Do you know what you're doing?
Kind of, yeah.
Don't worry, I won't look.
Right, go on.
You look amazing.
I feel it.
You're really OK doing this?
Why not?
In case you end up inside a lion.
Dylan, you've seen the video.
It's eaten, OK?
Why are you doing this?
For fun.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Boys and girls.
A darkness lies in all of us,
like a beast roaring to get out.
Tonight, my friends,
by using the power of my mind,
I will transform
this beautiful lady...
..into a fierce lion!
Lady into a lion, eh?
It's gonna go wrong, this.
Who the fuck are you?
You see that lady there?
She's not your lady. She's mine.
Unless you pay me the five grand
you owe me for the fucking lion
you stole,
she's not pulling back the cord
to release the false wall.
You're the bastard that robbed me!
What? Shit. What? What?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Fucking relax.
Who are you?
Stand-in. Cassie's unwell.
You've never had a show go wrong
and it won't today,
if you pay me the five grand cash.
The lady is now trapped.
I've got lads in the audience
filming it.
You're gonna be
a fucking laughing stock.
The crowd's gonna be disappointed,
there'll be loads of refunds-
All right!
If she's in the cage,
how will she know I've agreed?
Text. No message, no lion.
I want everyone to count from ten...
Come on, Vinnie, for fuck's sake.
Shit.
My boys are at your office. I want
five grand cash. Make the call.
You... You're fucking dead for this.
I am gonna make you part
of my own personal magic show.
Sounds sexual.
Liam, pay the cunts.
Just fucking do it!
Fuck! Is the reception bad in here?
Just fucking send it.
I'm sending it. I'm sending it.
Are you ready?
Ten, nine...
Fucking send it!
I'm fucking trying to send it.
..six, five...
four, three...
Fuck.
..one...
Release the beast!
Get after those bastards.
And get that bitch out of that cage.
I want a fucking word with her.
You were amazing!I'm co-assistant
manager, these things must be done.
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
Vinnie, wait!
# Jezebel
# I like the sound of funky music
# Let me hear you singing
# I like the sound
# I like it
# Of funky music
# Cos funky music
sho nuff turns me on
Dylan, come here, you twat.
Give me a hug.
We did it, man.
We did it.
Dude, where are you shitting?
Never mind where I'm shitting.
Shall we get a beer here?
Get in.
See that face?
The face of a traitor.
Just be cool, man!
Tommo, where are you?
France, mate. Booze cruise
for the Rat
Fresh scones,
straight from the oven.
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
A fucking porno, Carol?
What a phallus.
Hold on! Here we go!
'Who fancies a nice day out?'
Fuck.