BrainDead (2016): Season 1, Episode 11 - Six Points on the New Congressional Budget: The False Dichotomy of Austerity vs. Expansionary Policies - full transcript

Luke and Laurel rush to uncover Red's secret agenda, which is buried in a massive new budget bill. Also, Gareth inadvertently witnesses an unsettling bug encounter in Red's office.

* Previously on BrainDead... *

* Previously on Gunsmoke... *

(typing)

Oh, I like him.

You do?

Yeah, the new intern.

Jewish kid, right?

Hey, Gary, are you Jewish?

Half-Jewish.

What happened to the other half?

(laughs)



But, seriously, I'm a friend
of the Jewish people.

I swam in the Red Sea, I
touched the cobblestones

where our Lord
and savior knelt.

Have you met my
chief of staff Gareth?

Yes.
I mean, no.

Well, Gary the
Intern, meet Gareth.

Gareth, Gary, Gary, Gareth.

It's a good thing

he's not afraid
of the rumors, huh?

I-- what rumors?

All the interns in my
office dying horribly.

It's all just a
bad coincidence.

I'm sure you'll
break the curse.

Hey, it's good to
have you on board.



Let's give them hell.

Senator, do you want me to work
up a statement on the war vote?

No.

What do you mean?

About losing the war vote.

We've been getting
calls for a statement.

(chuckles) We didn't lose
the war vote, buddy.

We didn't?
No.

We just need to redefine
"winning."

What happened was winning.

It was?

Ah.

Go to Room SRB-54, all right?

It's downstairs.

That's the room you were
upset about for a while.

I want you to pick up something.

Tell them...
we're ready to release it.

Release what?

It.

And, uh, set up
a press conference

for me for tomorrow.

Senator,

do you still trust me?

Do I...?
Of course I do.

Why?
You just seem
to be making moves

that I don't understand.

Gareth, buddy.

You... you are my tonic.

Y-You are my ballast.

Whenever I go too far,
I look to you

to help straighten me out.

That's trust.

Let's get crackin'.

All right?
The world needs saving.

RED:
You are so cute.

Yes, you are.

(chuckles)
You know you are.

Yeah.

Oh, what a bad girl you are.

Okay.

You want, you want
some flowers?

Here you go.

All right, come on.

Come on, push.
(squishing and popping)

You can do it, baby.

Push, push.

Oh, yes.

For Red Wheatus?

This is a bipartisan budget.

As many around Washington
were pointing fingers,

we pulled up our shirt sleeves.

And this is the result.

We have the agreement
of Majority Leader Amarant

to bring this to a committee
vote in 48 hours.

We can get things done
in Washington.

You're kidding me.
48 hours?

I can't be seen
as an obstructionist.

This was negotiated by one
of yours and one of mine.

Yes, Ella, but they're
in bed together.

What?
No, not literally.

Political bed together.

Don't you see what
they've done?

They've brought together
the extreme left

and the extreme right.

They negotiated this in secret.

Who knows what the hell's in it?
Oh, you know what's in it.

It's the same thing
that's always in it-- pork.

She gave him military.
He gave her health care.

And we're all gonna
be unhappy and happy

in the same proportion.
God is in the details, Senator.

God is always in the details.

Now, push this vote off.
I can't.

I got friggin'
One Wayers at my door.

Look, if you find something
objectionable in here,

I'll delay the vote.

There's always something
objectionable.

You have 48 hours.

(phone slams)

What do you need?

Everyone.
Now?

Yes, now!
I need everyone now!

You okay?

Yeah, just sick of it.

What?
The gamesmanship.

The stupid moronic tribalism
of congress.

The dirty tricks.

You can't take one step forward
without taking ten steps back.

You're helping people.
No, I'm not!

I'd do better opening
a lemonade stand.

(chuckles, sighs)

It's okay.

Go.

Get everyone.

Listen up!

This is not a budget.

This is a field
of land mines.

Now, we don't know
how many there are.

But we do know they are there.

Or they would have sent out
a searchable PDF.

They're hiding something,

and they don't
want us to find it.

So here's your mission.

You have 48 hours
to cross this field

and find those land mines.

And you're doing it
the old-fashioned way.

This is for team number one.

Page one through 368.

Michael, you take charge of it.

Read every word, sentence,
and paragraph.

You have 48 hours.

This is for team number two.

Page 369 to 712.

Laurel, you take charge of it.
Keep me up to date.

Now, I don't want just
a-a superficial look.

I want a...

(clears throat)
Okay.

You guys split up the rest
of the budget.

And get going.

Go!
(all clamoring)

(indistinct chatter)

You're running an excellent
campaign, gentlemen.

Good convention.

Thank you.
MAN:
That's why we're here.

We need to count our chickens
before they're hatched.

Oh, makes sense.
What chickens?

We're pre-vetting candidates
for the next administration.

You understand
we have to start early,

what with polls being
what they are,

and we don't want
to be presumptuous,

but we have to know

the talent can clear
the advise-and-consent hurdle.

You're asking me
for suggestions?

No, we want you to
consider being vetted.

For?

Director of the CIA.

Y-You want me?

We want to vet you, yeah.

You have been very impressive

on the Select
Intelligence Committee.

Thank you.

KLEIN:
No, thank you.

For your service
to the country.

Now, if you agree, we'll need
to vet you fairly quickly.

Candidate needs viable names

by the end of the week.

(clears throat)

Well, for the good
of the country

and our party,

yes, I agree.

Good.
Then we'll be expediting this.

Please keep it
completely confidential.

The last thing
that the campaign needs

is an accusation
of being presumptuous.

Good.

Thank you, gentlemen.
KLEIN:
Thank you.

Thank you.

(door opens)

(muffled):
Yeah!

(whispering):
They want me to head up the CIA.

They... what?

I know.

Wait, who does?

The campaign.
If they win.

They were with

the transition team.
Oh, my God.

I know.
It's amazing.

Congratulations.

Oh, it's not done yet.

Like, I'm worried
about the vetting process.

I have a lot of enemies
out there.

Yeah, but most of your
enemies would be happy

to get you out of the senate.

That's a good point.

Yeah, but they won't know
what the vetting's for.

No one's supposed to know.

No one's supposed to know
about the CIA offer?
Right.

Yeah, they don't want to be seen
as presumptuous.

But you just told me.

Yeah, but you're my sister.

You can't be telling
me this, Luke,

That's kind of the bare minimum.

Don't tell anyone else, okay?

(both laugh, phone rings)

Hello?

Hi. Are you all right?
You sound...

GARETH:
Yeah.

What are you doing right now?

Nothing.

Can I meet you?
Sure, where?

(door opens)

Yeah, this is good,
but, uh, shorter words.

I'll call you back.

You make me sound

like a Harvard grad.

Was that your girlfriend?

On the phone?
No.

I-I mean, she's
not my girlfriend.

(inhales)
Go ahead.

Gareth, how are you today?

You're looking ill.

No, I'm good.

You're a little warm.

You sure?

It's the summer heat, Senator.

Ah, right.

Are we still rowing
together, buddy?

I think we are, Senator.

Really?

Good!
Again,

good speech,
(clears throat)

but I want punchy words.

You and I know what
"transactional" is,

but nobody else does.

Okay?

Let's get on it.

(door closes)

(Gareth sighs)

*

LAUREL:
Hi.

Hi.

I'm glad you called.

Can I ask you a question?

(exhaling):
You can ask me
anything you want.

No, I'm sorry. Y-You first.

No, no. You go.
Mine's...

too weird.

Okay.

What's your boss doing
with this budget?

I don't know.

What do you mean?
Should I be aware

of something hidden in it?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I don't know. I...

(sighs)

(scoffs)

Okay.

Your turn. What is it?

(chuckles wryly)

I, uh...

This bug stuff.

Tell me more about it.

Why?

Because I saw something.

*

I didn't see this.

You told me there were bugs
in people's heads.

Yeah, but not these bugs.

Are...

are you sure you saw this?

I don't know.

I'm not sure what...

(quietly):
I'm not sure what I saw anymore.

And how big was it?

Seriously?

Yeah.

And that went in Red's head?

Yeah.

This is insane.

(insect buzzing)
I don't like things

that are this insane.
(buzzing stops)

Yeah, I know,
you'll get used to it.

I just thought
this was some kind of

charming bohemian affectation
of yours, you know?

You seeing bugs.

I didn't want it to be

a charming affectation of...
mine.

This is much bigger
than any of the bugs

I've seen.
You know, it was smaller

once it dropped its eggs.

Its eggs?

Yeah.

That's what it looked like.

Let's go.
Why?

We have to show
this to someone.

What is this about again?

Uh, security clearance,

just for his work on
the Intelligence Committee.

KLEIN:
Uh, was Senator Healy
a tough boss?

Luke?

Not really.

I mean, he never hit me

or called me names.

What about his managerial style?

Was he responsive to his staff?

Oh, yeah.

He's responsive.

Luke really listens.

When I used
our safe word--

and believe me, there were

plenty of times I had to--

I only had
to say it once.

GERMAINE:
Oh.

I thought you were gonna ask
about all the affairs.

What affairs?

Well, just so you know,

I've come to accept Luke
for who he is.

Yes, there were
the years of lying,

but I just wish...

(crying)

Would you excuse me?

Affairs.

That's gonna make
a hearing a nightmare.

I know.

Let's talk to Healy again.

We need to hear his side.

GUSTAV:
It's the queen, isn't it?

WU:
I don't know.

Where did you see it?

Okay, let me just
say something here:

I'm not completely sure
that I saw what I saw.

GUSTAV:
Come on.

You told us that you saw it.

It's the queen bug, isn't it?

I don't know, but this part

looks like the egg sac.

That's where the eggs came out?

GUSTAV:
It's the queen.
We found the queen.

And why is that a good thing?

Well, if it's like
other hives...
Kill the queen,

you kill the hive.

WU:
That's a bit simplistic,
but yes.

If it's anything like a beehive,

the workers all die
if the queen dies.

ROCHELLE:
That's one way
to attack it, then.

We just need
to kill one bug.

Not thousands.

Yes.
If it acts like hive.

Do we know where
this queen is now?

I think I'd better go.
No. Wait. Why?

Because you're going
to want to know how to get

a large bug out of my boss'
head, and I don't think

I have the patience
for that conversation.

It's in Senator Wheatus' head?

We should kill him.

LAUREL: What? No.

ROCHELLE:
We can't kill a senator,

Gustav,
that's ridiculous.

GUSTAV:
I'm just saying
that if it saves

the human race, is it wrong?

Yes, it's wrong.

Human race?

When did we start talking
about "human race"?

You didn't tell him
everything.

No, I-I don't think

it's really a good
idea to get into...

What?

What is "everything"?

They're not of this world.
Gustav.

I'm going.

It was good talking.

(Laurel exhales)

We're not sure about that part.
It's-it's just a theory.

It's just a theory that the
bugs come from another planet?

You don't have
to believe that

to know that something
weird is going on.

There's always
something weird going on.

This is insane.

I'm not disagreeing.

Okay.

I just... I have
to get back to work.

Well, call me, okay?

Or am I... too insane?

I'll call.

*

Hey, Mom, how are you guys?

Oh, honey!
Hey, it's Gareth.

It's the middle of the day.

NORA: What's wrong, honey?
Nothing.

I just wanted
to hear how you guys were.

Oh, we're good.

Your father's home
between shifts.

He's just fixing the toaster
for the 15th time

instead of just
buying a new one.
It's perfectly good.

I'm happy to hear
nothing's changed.

Honey, you sound funny.
What is it?

Are things crazy there?
No, I'm good. How's Kathy?

Oh, she's good.

We're trying a new medication.

So far, so good,
so she's happy.

You know who dropped by?

Don't tell him about that.
Why not?

Because he'll be
poisoned against her,

because you brought her up.

Wait, what's Dad saying?

NORA:
Nothing.

He wanted me
not to mention

that Mary Anne dropped by
to see how you were doing.

Oh, my God.

She's pre-med now.

Okay, I'm hanging up.
Wait, why?

She... she just wanted
to see how you were doing.

I love you, Mom. Good-bye.

See? I told you.
Your dad's saying

"I told you."
I love you, Mom.

I just have to go.

Give Mary Anne a call, okay?

She still wonders
why you broke up.

Okay. I will.

Bye. Gotta go.

Hello.

Fiber. They don't count fiber.

Excuse me?

These energy bars
in your drawer?

You'd be better off
eating two Hostess cupcakes.

Fiber increases
the calorie intake by 20%.

And this, here:
"Made with natural ingredients."

Everything is natural.

It could have human hair in it;
it would still be natural.

You need to look for "organic."

There's a legal definition
for "organic."

Why were you in my desk?

I was bored.
I couldn't find the budget.

Ah. I should've looked
in the credenza, there.

Or you could've waited
in reception for me to return.

Who are you?
Cole Stockwell.

Sorry, I don't shake hands;
it's not personal.

And why are you here?

The senator told me
to help you.

I used to write budgets.

I used to translate
human language into this.

He hired me
to do the reverse:

translate this back
into human language.

Ah.

Great.
Can I see the collar here?

Why?

It's just something I do.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Sorry.

Just... "40% cotton."

That always makes me laugh.

(laughing)

(phone ringing)
Do you mind?

No, no. Don't mind me.

I'll just... Ha.

Laurel Healy.

Miss Healy,
this is Senator Red Wheatus.

Do you recognize my voice?

I do.

Would you like to speak
to my brother, Senator?

Mm, no, no,
I want to speak to you.

I have something
I need to show you.

You do?

And what is that?

Well, I could tell you,

but that would hurt
the surprise.

"Spending for
means-tested entitlements

"other than Medicaid

enacted at 1.3% GDP."
Love it.

I'm a little busy,
Senator.

Come to my office.

This'll only take 20 minutes.

No, let's... do it
someplace public.

Lana, I have some oppo research
here to present to you.

You're not gonna want
to be in public for this.

I'll call you back.
Lana, no, you can't just...

It's beautiful.

Oh, my God.

I spend my life writing laws

in a way nobody can
figure out what they mean.

I know every trick
in the book.

I invented some of them,
but this...

this is like

the Picasso of legislation.

I just have
to tip my hat and cry.

Hey, it's me.

Red Wheatus just called me.

He did? Why?

He wants to meet.
Who is it?

With-with who? You?

Yes.
Red Wheatus just called Laurel.

He wants to meet.

Yes, definitely.

This is an opportunity.

We need to find a way
to draw the queen out.

WU:
From my hymenoptera books--

all with queens.

Will you be safe
if you meet with him?

I don't know, I guess.

Okay, then we think
you should do it.

But be careful.

I will.

I'll call you.
You know
the weird thing?

This budget is going
out of its way

to offer something for everyone?

Then why are they hiding it all
in gobbledygook?

Why do they hide Waldo?
Because it's fun to find him.

It's talking to me.

This budget...

it wants me to find Waldo.

They said that?

In so many words.
And a few gestures.

So it's all about sex.

I thought we were past that.
We're never past that.

POHL:
Senator, you have
a lot going for you.

We cannot have a Petraeus
problem on our hands.

So? What do we do about it?

Well, for starters,

you provide us
with a complete list

of all the women
you've had relations with

and then we go from there.

Hmm.

You know,
I just became a father.

And... when I looked into

my daughter's face
for the first time,

I thought, "My God,
all the clich├ęs are true."

I knew, right then,
I had to be a better man.

I made a commitment.

I went to all the women
you're asking about

and I told them it was over.

And I meant it.

I haven't spoken
to any of them since

and I don't even think about it.

But even if I hadn't,

are you really suggesting
I can't do my job

because I'm a failed
human being?

Does your candidate really want
to be suggesting that?

(creaking)

(faint buzzing)

(buzzing continues)

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

Is it too late?

I...

(chuckles)
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm here. What's up?

I just wanted to make sure
you're okay.

Are you?

I am. I'm just, um...

(sighs)

What are you doing?

You don't have to do this.

Shut up.

It's not just an excuse
to have you come over...

Gareth.

I don't even know
if I believe this.

I know.

We can have sex if you want.

No. Shh, it's okay.

What is happening
in the world?

Same thing as usual.

Disruption.

People don't like normal.

I like normal.

That's why I like you.

You'll keep the bugs away?

Yes.

We're wrapping up our vetting of
Senator Healy, and moving on to

a closer look into his family.

I understand you
had some interaction

with Senator Healy's sister,
Laurel.

Laurel Healy was brought in

for over 12 hours
of intensive questioning

under an Appendix Q scenario,

regarding her possible
connection

to a terrorist group in Syria.

Still an open file, actually.

Her involvement?

She had
some pretty radical ideas

to explain
the catastrophic head injuries.

How radical?

STOCKWELL:
"An expected default

"by the Postal Service
on required contributions

to the Postal Service retiree
health benefits fund..."

Can you stop talking?

It's kind of
making my head explode.

STOCKWELL:
It just means...

One second, Stockwell.

How are you doing?

Fine.

Metadata.

I'm sorry, what?

Metadata.

I went through the Word
document on Red's laptop.

The budget.

It shows all
the corrections

that he made
in the budget.

And?
There were no alterations

or corrections
anywhere else,

except for one area.

There were two
dozen corrections

in one section
of the budget.

Which section?

The farm bill.

The farm bill?

Yeah.
Everything Red cares about

is in the farm bill.

All the corrections
were there.

I have to go.

Thank you.

Look in the farm bill section.

Why? What's in it?

I don't know, but look.

Ms. Healy?

Hello, I'm wondering
if you have

a minute to talk
about your brother?

As part of
the vetting process,

we have to dive deep
into family history,

checking into any
potential liabilities.

Okay, great.

What do you think
about bugs?

Excuse me?

Bugs.

What do you
think of 'em?

H-Have you been, uh,

noticing a larger
amount of them

than usual in D.C.?

I don't understand.

We talked to
an FBI agent...

Anthony Onofrio?

Why do you say that name?

I broke up with him

and he didn't handle it well.

So he abused his position and

interrogated me
at an FBI black site.

Is that true?

It is.

So, you-you never said
anything, uh, like...

"Bugs are eating half
the brains of senators

and turning them
into zombies"?

(laughs)

(chuckles)

(laughs)

Seriously?

I know.

(whoops, laughs)

Bugs?

(laughs)
Ha.

(all laughing)

Okay, monkey brains.

That's how we get the bugs

out of Red's head.

Bad time?

GUSTAV:
Sorry, I didn't

know that you were
in a meeting.

What is this?

Monkey brains.
Excuse me?

Brains from a monkey.

I got 'em down in Chinatown.

Take them into
the Red meeting.

It's the carrot to
draw out the queen bug.

Oh, God, they smell.

I know.
(inhales sharply)

I tried to hide it with cologne.

Are you serious?
If we're not gonna

kill Red, we need
to draw out the queen bug.

You know, let's just

put it in here.
Oh, my God.

I actually think you
secretly like this.

No, actually, no.
This is my face

when I don't like something.

Hey, what happened
at your interview with Pohl?

What do you mean?

I got a call
that it didn't go well.

I think I'm out of contention.

It was about the affairs,

right?
No, I don't think so.

You don't?
What do you mean?

They had everything from
the black site interrogation.

I think they think I'm... crazy.

Oh, my God,
this about the bugs?

Let me handle it.

Laurel, you can't cost me this.

I'll handle it.
Just let me handle it.

(Melanesian choir music playing)

(knocking)
Come on in.

(Melanesian choir music
continues)

Yeah, you like it?

I just found it on iTunes.

Melanesian choir.

"Jisas, Masta Mi Save."

Yeah, I think so.

Top 20.

(humming along)

What do you need, Senator?

Well...
(music stops)

it might be what you need.

You've slept with 24
different guys, haven't you?

Ah, oppo research.

And one of those guys

ended up murdering his mom

for her Social Security money.

Really? Which one?

Uh...

Pavlov Whinship.

Seriously?

Oh, my God, I liked him.

(chuckles):
Yeah.

Well, there are
other unsavory aspects

to your history here.

Fistfight with a cab driver?

(chuckling):
Yeah.

So here's the key, Laurel.

Hey, you got my name right.

I've got a stick.

And I've got a carrot.

You've heard the stick.

Oppo research.

But...

What's that smell?

I don't know.
Do you smell something?

I do.

The carrot?

R-Right. Right, right.

Well,
(music resumes)

I like this music.
I've been

listening to it all afternoon.

I wouldn't mind seeing
a documentary about it.

I wonder if you know

of someone

who might be
interested.

My caucus has a $2 million fund

to invest in such a documentary.

You wouldn't do that.

Why wouldn't I?

Because you don't care
about the Solomon Islands.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I love this part.

(singing along)

(music stops)

Here's what I do care about:

Getting rid of you.

You'd pay me $2 million
to get rid of me?

(laughing):
Oh, yeah.

Well, look at this.

What kind of brains are those?

Monkey.

What's in the farm bill?

I'm a little busy right now.

Why don't you take your
Tupperware of monkey brains

and, uh, think about whether
you want to make documentaries.

And, yes, that's the first time
I've used that sentence.

$2 million?

Yep.

You can make a pretty good
documentary with that.

Think about it.

On second thought,

I'm gonna keep this.

Thank you for coming back,
Mr. Pohl.

I just wanted to clarify
our previous misunderstanding.

Are you familiar with

the auteur theory?

See, I'm a filmmaker,

and as a filmmaker,

I use the language of metaphor.

This...

is my most recent work.

Not with tanks,

but with an infection.

(shouting indistinctly)

An infection of extremism.

See, here I use "infection"
to represent revolution.

And you made that documentary?

I did.

So, all the bug stuff you heard

was just my way of talking about

extremism in Washington.

As an artist,
I use metaphors a lot.

Probably too much.
I... (chuckles)

I love metaphors.

(laughing):
Come on, Ms. Healy.

Bugs as
metaphor?

Well, there's
a long history.

I mean, Kafka's cockroach.

Nabokov's butterflies.

Carlo Collodi's Jiminy Cricket.

I always loved him.

Me, too.

John, this budget bill
is a train wreck.

We can't let them derail us
with it.

Tell me I have your vote.

RECEPTIONIST:
Senator,

it's Agent Roarty
from the CIA.

John? John,
I'll have to call you back.

(exhales deeply)

Agent Roarty,
what can I do for you?

Yes.

I-I'd be happy to come in

for a briefing
with the director.

Understood.

All security measures
will be taken

and are acceptable.

I will see you then.

(grunts)

I have now successfully
translated the farm bill section

into layman's legalese.

No easy feat, let me tell you.
These guys are masters.

And? What does it do?
It provides

the usual subsidies to various
well-connected agribusinesses.

Plus, one little oddity
even I can't explain.

Which is?
$300 million

for a construction project,

located in 80 small towns
across the country.

They're not known
for growing anything.

What are the towns?

"Dove Creek, Hotchkiss,

"Lemon Cove,
Peetz Hill,

and Ribera."

What?

They sound familiar. Why...?

Do you want me to wait here?
Hello?

These are
the same towns.
Okay.

And these are
blueprints for...

Internment camps.

Internment camps for whom?

I don't know.

But why bury the budget
for internment camps

in a farming bill?

(air conditioner humming)

(air conditioner stops)

It's the heat.

I'm sorry, what?

The air-conditioning in the
Russell Building is on a timer.

It shuts off
at exactly 10:30 p.m.

Bugs need a temperature between
85 and 95 degrees to spawn.

How do you know that?

It's true. I don't know
why it's important,

but it's true.

Hmm.

(sighs) All I've done for the
last 24 hours is Google bugs.

They need 85 degrees to spawn,
and the Russell Building

only hits that temperature
after the A/C shuts down.

When did you see the queen
bug spawn the last time?

11:00 p.m.

So the queen will
come out again.
After 10:30.

(exhales)

It's official.

I'm insane.

RED: Since when has idealism
become a dirty word, Senator?

I'm an idealist and proud of...
(crackling)

(grunts, moans)

One second, baby.

One second. Patience.
Patience.

Uh-huh.

Then join us.

What you call moderation
I call not giving a crap.

All right. All right.

All right, bye. Bye.

Uh, I'm getting them.

(chuckling):
I'm getting...

(soft grunting)

Where are the cherry blossoms?

The flowers there?

Yeah. The flowers there.
Where are they?

They were dying, Senator.

I threw them out.

Cherry blossom season
is almost over...

I don't want a dissertation,
I want cherry bl...

(chuckles)
Not yet.

No... not yet.

You might try the other room?

Good enough.

Oh, good. You found them.
I-I wasn't sure...

(grunting)

(trilling)

Uh, sorry.

I cut that one a little close,
didn't I?

Senator, good evening.

What...?
What are you doing?

Just came by to talk
about my documentary.

Not now.
I need you out of my office.

Or?

Wh-What?

You said you need me out
of your office. Or...?

Th-There is no "or."

I am a senator,
and you are nothing.

Who were you
talking to before?
It's none of your business.

Let me see.
No, no, no, no.

There's the door.
I need you to leave.

Go on. Don't
treat my office

like some bus station
waiting room.

He's blocking it.
It's out.

Hurry! Hurry, they're coming!
Hurry!

(grunting)

Get off me!

ROCHELLE:
Where is it?
His desk. There!

LAUREL:
It's going for his ear!

Watch-watch it! Watch it!

I got him. Go!

LAUREL:
There it goes!

GUSTAV:
Under the couch!

Okay.

Don't you dare hurt her!

Damn.

There! There!

There!
Oh!

Aah!

(clattering)

Gary!
Shh!

(Red screaming)

Did you need me, Senator?

(screaming)

Senator? Senator?

No! Hey! No!

Hey, hey! Hey!
You get your hands...

(indistinct struggling)

(gasps)

Get out of here now.

You lost.

Get out!

Gary the Intern, get
the Capitol Police on the line.

Yes, Senator.

If you don't want to be
arrested, I'd go right now.

MAN:
Senator Healy.

I'm Bob Isenstadt.
You probably don't know me.

I'm the director's director.

"The director's director"?
Is that an official title?

(chuckling):
No, more like an honorific.

I'm here for continuity.

CIA directors come and go,
but I stay, just like crabgrass.

(both chuckle)
You're the Hoover of the CIA?

(laughing):
We're gonna get along fine.
Why don't you come on back?

Sit on down, Senator.

Congratulations.

You're the top choice
for CIA director.

And now comes
the fun part.

(chuckles)
Is there a fun part?

The security briefing.

Just as the presidential
candidates are given

a classified briefing on
ongoing programs and dilemmas,

the CIA directors
get the same.

So, here we are.

Well, I am ready.

Uh, just a few preliminaries,
if you don't mind.

This will be my 21st briefing
of a CIA director,

but they
never get old.

The presidential
candidates have been told

what I'm about
to tell you.

But no one else.

And you're
to tell no one.

Or discuss
with anyone.

You understand?

Yes.

Good.

Two months ago, a meteor
from the constellation Draco

landed in the Russian province
of Chelyabinsk.

Inside this meteor
were flesh-eating bugs.

Now, we don't have
a name for them yet,

but these bugs appear to enter
through the eardrum of humans,

and consume about 40%
of the cerebral hemisphere.

The corpus callosum.

The resulting victim

undergoes several alterations
of character.

They become angrier,
more directed,

and whatever biases
they had before,

whether political
or cultural,

become more aggravated.

Until recently,
we did not know

the reason
for this parasite,

but now we believe

it is part of an
intelligent outside plan

to keep mankind
struggling with itself.

I know this
sounds incredible.

And as of two weeks ago,
I probably would've laughed

such a story out
of my office, but...

this is real.

Do you understand?

I, uh...
I-I heard something like this.

Yes, we're
aware of that.

We need to ask something
of you, Senator.

We need you and your sister
to stand down.

My sister?
Well, yeah.
She was one of the first

to discover this attack, and
she stumbled across our path,

preventing us from
moving on the ringleaders.

Just last night,
we were attempting

to take Red Wheatus
into custody,

but your sister and her friends
prevented us

from executing our operation.

The CIA respects amateurs,
but we're...

(chuckling):
also wary of them!

They tend to make
our lives difficult.

We have a plan to battle this...

invasion-- yes,
I'll call it that-- but...

we need you and your sister
to stand down.

You understand?

I... Yes, uh...

th-this is so bizarre.

Yes, it is.

But still, it's nothing
like Fallujah.

Well, thank you
for, uh, coming in.

(clears throat quietly)

We'll be in touch.

Yes, uh... thank you. I, uh...

Thank you.

*

What do you think?

I think it worked.

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