Bounty Hunters (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

♪ Uh, one two, one two, uh, uh ♪

♪ It's bigger than hip-hop,
hip-hop, hip-hop, hip ♪

♪ It's bigger than hip-hop,
hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop ♪

♪ One thing 'bout music when
it hit you feel no pain ♪

♪ White folks say it controls your brain ♪

♪ I know better than that, that's game ♪

♪ And we ready for that ♪

♪ Two soldiers head of the pack ♪

♪ Matter fact, who got the gat ♪

♪ And where my army at? ♪

♪ Rather attack than not react ♪

♪ Back to beats, ♪

♪ It don't reflect on how
many records get sold ♪

♪ On sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Whether your project's put on hold ♪

♪ In the real world; these
just people with ideas ♪

♪ They just like me and you ♪

♪ When the smoke and camera disappear ♪

♪ Again the real world; ♪

♪ It's bigger than all
these fake-ass records ♪

♪ When poor folks got the millions ♪

♪ And my woman's disrespected ♪

♪ If you check one two ♪

♪ My word of advice to you is just relax ♪

♪ Just do what you got to do; ♪

♪ If that don't work then kick the facts ♪

♪ If you a fighter, rider, biter, ♪

♪ Flame-ignitor, crowd-exciter ♪

♪ Or you wanna just get
high then just say it ♪

♪ But then if you a
liar-liar, pants on fire, ♪

♪ Wolf-crier, agent with a wire ♪

♪ I'm gon' know it when I play it ♪

♪ It's bigger than hip-hop,
hip-hop, hip-hop, hip ♪

(suspenseful music)

- Nobody move!

- Stand up!

- Hey, hey, we're cool baby.

- I aint your baby, stand up.

Stand up!

Hands up where I can see 'em!

Who else is here?

- Nobody.

- Where's Raphael Nunez?

- Who is Raphael Nunez?

- You're in his apartment.

- I swear I don't know no Raphael,

it's just me and my girl.

(gun shots fire)

(woman screams)

- Fuck!

- Oh my god!

- This is Nina Morales, bail enforcement,

I got a 10-34, requesting dispatch.

Two dead males.

Hey, the cops are gonna
be here in six minutes,

wanna stick around?

Both males are latino, I repeat,
the deceased are not white.

Get yourself cleaned up,
sport you a half hour.

(gentle upbeat music)

(students laughing)

(car engine starts)

- [Lecturer] As students
of historical textiles,

you'll know that the natural
secretions from your skin

damage fabric so you
have to be very careful

when touching cloth.

(students giggle)

You must, must remember
to wash your hands.

Acid free paper should be laid down

(phone ringing)

On a large, empty, flat
surface before you begin

to remove the textile from
it's protective wrapping.

(solemn music)

(knock at door)

- [Barnaby] Hey.

- Oh, hey.

- I, er, grabbed some things

of the top of the washing machine.

- Oh, fresh clothes, you're a star!

- How is he?

- Not bad for a man who's
fallen out of a window.

- What was he doing?

- Well at least it's quieter than A&E,

well, until your sister gets here.

- I thought she was traveling?

- Oh, she was so sweet,

she insisted that I
brought her a ticket home.

Barnaby, these are all Leah's clothes.

- No, they're not.

- Can you see me in these?

- Mum.

- Oh, now I said I'd lend
Penelope the trestle table

for the WI bake off,

I think it's in your fathers shop,

can you find it for me?

- Mum, you're gonna need help.

- So you'll find the trestle table?

- (sighs) Yes.

(phone ringing out)
(knock at door)

- Barnaby, your mother said
you'd lend me a trestle table.


- [Leah Over Voicemail]
I never check my messages

so it's your own life that you're wasting.

- Leah, it's me.

Some money of dads has gone missing.

Now, I'm trying to
accuse anyone of anything

but before you went away you
did make quite a lot of jokes

about breast augmentation.

I assumed you were trying to
make me feel uncomfortable,

which I was, but if you weren't joking,

spending money that we really don't have

on those sort of luxuries is, erm,

I'll just refer to your
breasts as luxuries,

I feel uncomfortable again.

Leah, just call me back.


(gentle upbeat music)

- Man, that holding cell was nasty.

Oh god, I stink.

- You know that guy you shot?

Raphael Nunez, Mexican
national, no papers.

- So what do I get?

A trip to the White House?

Bottle of Trump vodka?


Hey, I got my man, dead or alive.

- I don't think it's the state department

you gotta worry about.

His friend, recognize him?

Dante Flores, his
fathers Alejandro Flores,

the head of the Los Cardenas cartel.

- Ah, fuck me.

What the hell was he doin' here?

- Layin' low, cost the
cartel a cocaine factory.

- He was a rat?

- He was an idiot.

The DEA tracked his
location on social media,

wasn't completely his fault,
he was re-tweeted by Sean Penn.

- Jeez, so he aint employee of the month.

- I don't think Los Cardenas
is gonna see it like that,

you need to disappear for awhile, Nina.

I can get you out of jail,

I can't get you out of the morgue.

- Right.

- 50 grand.

- Lookin' for Nige.

- I'm afraid he's off at the moment.

- Oh, you work here, yeah?

- Well, I'm his son.

- Right, well then.

Mr. Walker asked me to
source him a statue,

bronze, very rare, it's sat in me haddock.

- I beg your pardon?

- Haddock and bloater.


- Oh.

- My van.

- Oh, right!

Yes, of course, the old motor.

Do you want a hand with it?

- Well I'd rather you pay for it.

- Oh, of course.

What's the damage?

- 50 grand, cash.

- Right.

Whilst my father has
every confidence in me,

I'm not technically in charge so--

- What's the problem?

Didn't you put your big
boy pants on this mornin'?

- No, big boy pants very much on.

It's just that I, I
wouldn't feel comfortable--

- With what?

Nigel's got a collector willin'
to pay 250 grand for these.

- Golly!

- Look, if Nigel's got cold feet,

least he could do is tell me to my face.

- Oh, it's really like that.

- It's no skin off my nose mate,

there's plenty of dealers
want these statues.

It's just a shame, I thought
Nigel was one of the good guys.

- Wait!

- Auntie Nina, (speaking
in foreign language)

- What don't you understand
about in this apartment

we speak English.

- Okay, grandma.

You tell her, in English,
what you wanna do.

- I wanna change our name.

- She wants to change Morales.

- Being Puerto Rican
never did you no good,

so we're Jews for Jesus now.

- Ma, you're as Jewish as Mardis Gras.

- Tell her the name you want.

- So I was thinking, Brumphman.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Ma!

- Hey, it's classy, we could be doctors!

- Guys, do you know how many
things are made with pork?

I mean, we're talkin'
wieners, ribs, pulled pork.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Don't say I, we say oi.

- Don't you have shift tonight?

- I'm gonna quit, seriously,
if assholes could fly,

that place would be an airport.

- Sophia, you gotta learn
to stick it out, okay?

I can't carry you forever.

- There are other bars.

- Talkin' about bars,

how was your night in jail, sweetheart?

- Did you join a gang?

- Oh, listen ma, I gotta
go away for a minute.

- On business?

- Yep.

- [Grandma] You hear that Pancho?

Nina got a big job outta town.

I'm so proud of you.

- These are jolly nice.

Erm, does he come with a receipt?

I appreciate the faintly irregular nature

of this transaction but say a customer

were to start asking questions

about the statues provenience.

- You keep your mouth shut, don't ya?

- Yes.

Honor amongst, erm, antiques dealers, Mr.?

- Smith.

- Of course.

- How's that, treacle?

- Perfect.

- Ah, you can't park here.

- Jog on, grandma.

- Hey, dipshit!

Jesus, what happened to your face?

- Oh, I got punched defending
the shop from a gang.

- A likely story, do you want a lager?

- Leah, it's 11 o'oclock.

- I'm on New York time.

- In which case, it's six a.m.

- I got your message by
the way about my luxuries

and don't worry, I took the hint,

why mess with perfection, right?

But, I did find a very clever surgeon

who was able to give me
the vagina of my dreams.

- [News Reporter] Islamic State
militants gleefully wrecking

priceless, ancient artifacts.

- Barnaby, I'm teasing you.

- [News Reporter] There are also reports

that they sell antiquities to fund terror,

though UK experts are
adamant no legitimate dealer

would ever touch any
such plundered material.

- [Leah] Barnaby?

(swords clashing together)

(Man screams out on anger)

- Detective Suleiman, my apologies,

you caught me crossing
swords with my brother.

- [Woman] Last week, a woman in Florida

found this in her new fridge.

- I thought we explained all this?

- Not to me.

- Well, we sell refrigerators.

- The fridge magnets?

(men laugh)

- I'm using tabloid bon mot.

- We ship the statue to our Miami palazzo

on a freight rate
containing 2,000 fridges,

there must of been some
confusion aboard the ship.

Heads will roll.

- Mr. Sherman, could you tell me where

you brought the statue from?

- The certificate of provenience.

- Nigel Walker?

- Mr. Walker is a highly
respected antiques dealer.

- You ever seen this man?

- No, I assure you any
man wearing boot cut jeans

would not be allowed to
step foot in this house.

- Blood antiquities are
being looted from Syria

by Jihadist militants,

smuggled over here and
sold on the black market.

Now I think people like this man

are conning respectable dealers

into selling them on the open market.

- Do I detect the acrid
scent of conjecture?

- I detect the scent of something.

- (scoffs) Look, we just
want you to let us know

if you see anything suspicious.

(machines whirring)

- Oxidizing suits, they
cold compress the muscles

and rejuvenate the skin, McConaughey,

told us about them in Napa.

- Now that mans body is work of art.

- We've got to call the police.

- No, we don't.

- I just thought, you know,

dads in a bit of jam so
he's cutting a few corners,

I made an honest mistake.

- They're not gonna believe
anyone could be that stupid,

you're doing a PhD in History of Art.

- In 17th century Flemish textiles!

You're making me sound like an idiot!

- One statue?

You're in charge of the shop for a week

and you end up Crowdfunding ISIS.

- Sorry, remind me what your last job was?

Remembering community
service doesn't count.

- As much as I love
career advice from a man

who's been at university for like,

all of Obama, we have a
war crime in our kitchen!

And something tells me
we're not getting a refund

with a receipt that's written
on the back of a betting slip.

(upbeat music)

- All right, 'guv?

I'm, er, lookin' for a geezer
who bets in your, er, gaff.

About yay high, tattoos,
drives a white van?

I think his surname was Smith.

(man snorts)

Oh god!

We're gonna have to go to the police.

- I'm gonna throw a
little curve ball at you.

In New York, I met a bounty hunter.

- Right, where is this going?

- She's called Nina, absolute dude,

she was telling me about skip tracing,

how they find guys like
this Smith douche bag,

let's ask her how we get our money back.

Have you got a better idea?

- Hi, erm, where can
I go tonight for $200?

- I got Cleveland, Ohio

or the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

- I'll take the Congo.

(phone rings)


- So, that's the story, what do you think?

- My first suggestion is
give your dumb ass brother

a big slap upside his head.

- You are on speakerphone, madam.

- Are you vaccinated for yellow fever?

- Jeez look, kid, I wish
I could help you but..

Why don't I come to you?

You have no chance on your own,

I could find this guy, no problem.

- Oh my god, babes, that would be amazing!

- We can't even pay you.

- Well you said I'm
retrieving money, right?

So, I find it, you gimme a cut.

- Sorry, could we just
have one moment please?

We are not hiring a bounty hunter!

- Why not?

- Are you high?

- Yes, a little bit,
helps with the jet lag.

Let's think about this,
Nina is a professional,

if we hire her then mum, dad, the police,

nobody needs to know about
your little, massive fuck up.

Trust me, bro, Nina Morales
is our get of jail free card.

Well, not free, we probably
would have to pay her.

Fine, but I'll negotiate.

- Why?

- Because it's nine a.m.
Leah and you're high.

Miss Morales?

We are considering your offer

but we would only be able
to pay you a 10% commission.

- [Nina] 20.

- 15.

- 25.
- Okay, 20.

- 30.
- 25?

- [Nina] Done.

- Wow, I'm glad you handled that.

(upbeat music)

- Barnaby?

- Your bag.

- Pancho, look, I'm still
waitin' on the insurance

but if you want I can advance ya the cash,

Nina can square it with me later.

Can I help you?

- That your wife on the phone?

- [Mr. Foster] Who's askin'?

- Prefer if you didn't.

Second-hand smoke is very dangerous.

You wanna take care of
yourself, Mr. Foster.

You know who I am?

Bet you know about my brother.

- He passed away.

- Passed away, you make
it sound too peaceful.

- Well, he's, I'm sorry.

- Don't be, Dante was a fool.

My blood is blood.

We lose our coke, that's a problem,

we lose our honor, then we're nothing.

So, where's Nina Morales?

- Can you hear me now?

- I do apologize for my colleague,

she's had rather a long flight.

- Who's this?

- This is Nina,

my new cleaner
- Girlfriend.

- [Nina] Look, we just
wait 'till he leaves,

stage a break-in, take the money and go.

- [Woman] Have you ever seen this man?

- It was all there, I swear to god!

- Find it.

(upbeat music)