Bottom (1991–1995): Season 3, Episode 6 - Carnival - full transcript

It is the annual Hammersmith carnival where the local residents take part in riots and Richie and Eddie find watching the Carnival from their flat window is the best seats to watch the riots. After going looting, Eddie learns Richie has stolen a BBC camera and they decide to record a prime-time current affairs discussion program and hilarious accidents so they can make money, unaware that the video tape is a dirty video of Prime Minister John Major.

God ! Some people
are short-tempered, aren't they ?

Yeah. Well, about four or five thousand
of them by the looks of things.

Oh, but it's wonderful, Eddie.

All the local communities
are out there on the streets...

- Beating the shit out of each other.
- Yeah ! Oh, I love carnival time !

Ooh ! Look at that policeman over there !

- Which one ?
- The one jumping around, waving his arms.

- The one that's on fire ?
- Yeah.

He's got no one to blame but himself.

It was him that started it all
by appealing for calm.

Was it ? Provocative bastard !

What's the point in a carnival
if you can't get your shopping done ?

- Whoa !
- Nice one !

- Ah, it's great...
- Yeah.

- Did you see the floats ?
- I flushed it !

No, no, no.

No, no... Oh, look ! Here come the Nazis !

Hooray ! That should get things going again !

They're going into the Lamb & Flag !

Oh, yeah, thought so.
Dick's throwing them out.

No ! The police are throwing them back in !

Now, that's just stupid !
That's mindless ! That's antisocial, that is !

- What ?
- Throwing those bottles about like that.

- No, no, Eddie. They're empties.
- Oh ! Well, that's all right, then.

You get stuck in, mate ! Have one on me !

That'll teach you, Eddie.
You should stay out of politics.

Oh, look ! There's Father O'Malley !

Nice shooting, Father.

- Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he ?
- Yeah.

- He should put his clothes back on.
- Yeah.

Mind you, it's that
that's frightened off the Nazis.

What ? Oh ! Have they gone ? Aww !

Wahey !

You know, I think these must be the best
seats for the annual Hammersmith riot.

I know, I know.
They are bloody marvellous, aren't they ?

- Well done !
- Marvellous ! Best part of the show so far !

Encore !

- That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop.
- Yeah. Fatty threw the petrol bomb.

I saw him take out the insurance
only yesterday. Same every year.

Yeah, it'll be drinks on him again tonight.

Oh, look. Here come the fire brigade.

- Fatty's stopped them.
- He's having a word.

- Money's changing hands...
- And they're off again.

He must be going for the full rebuild this year.

And just in the nick of time, too.
I was getting a bit peckish.

You know, that's what I love
about this country - tradition.

I mean, in the olden days, we used to let
the Germans do this sort of thing for us !

I know. It's shocking, isn't it ?
I mean, us Brits are so much better at it.

I mean, look at that, Eddie !
Half of London's alight !

That's British craftsmanship, that is.

Oh, look !

There's the primary school Postman Pat float !

They've made a little van and everything !

Aah !

Aw, look, look !
They're ram-raiding the off-license.

Bless 'em.
They're too young to know, aren't they ?

- What ?
- That you've done it already !

Yep, well, you have to get up pretty
early in the morning to beat Uncle Eddie !

Well, it's as I always say, the carnival
is a marvellous business opportunity.

Would you like me to toast your marshmallows ?

Oh, I see what you mean !
Oh, yes, marvellous. Get on with it.

Right, we'll just wait
for the window of Currys to blow,

then we'll pop out and do a bit of shopping.

There's a 28-inch,
surround sound TV with FastText, FST, Nicam

and loads of bollocks that
nobody understands, that I've had my eye on.

- A bit overdone.
- Right. Shopping list, shopping list.

- I'll grab hold of my ballpoint.
- Ooh-er !

Oh, no. Richie. No time for crap double
entendres, Currys' window's just blown.

- They've just thrown Aswad through it.
- Have they ?

Right. Banzai, baby !
Balaclavas on and let's go shopping.

- You dropped it !
- I was being run over by the riot squad !

Well, two wrongs
don't make a right, young man.

Being run over
doesn't mean you can smash a television.

I could have been watching Sophie Grigson
washing a cucumber or anything !

- She's married.
- I know ! To the wrong bloke.

Still, at least we got the duck.

- The duck ?
- Yeah !

It's made out of plastic !

Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery
is the use of a plastic duck ?

It floats in the bath.

- Hello !
- But why ?

- It's hollow !
- No...

- Why the duck ?
- It came free with the telly.

Eddie, everything came free
with the telly. We were looting !

- Why didn't you get a free telly ?!
- It'd sink in the bath !

- Well, what else did you get ?
- I got a free police baton.

Ooh ! Interesting. Let's have a look.

Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it.

- Nasty.
- Yeah, it's one of those new long ones...

with the side handle.

It's playing merry hell with my liver.

- Nasty !
- Anyway, never mind. How did you get on ?

Well, not bad, not bad.

Boots was a bit crowded...

and WH Smith's was jammed
and, er... on fire a bit.

There was a lot of blood in C & A's...

Hmm !

Anyway, I popped into the post office
on me way home to take some money out.

It was a nightmare in there !
You should have seen the queue !

By the time I got to the front, there was
nothing left - no counter, no grill.

Tell me something new. I mean,
Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable !

Well, I have heard that. Mmm, mmm.

- Oh, go on. Have another Hobnob !
- Oh, you are evil !

Don't you start on me !

Ooh, it's just so good
to get your feet up, isn't it ?

No, I'm not that pervy.

- Are you not ?
- Did you see the Semolina-U-Like ?

- Such a mess !
- What can you do ?

- I don't know.
- I blame the TV.

- I blame that Channel Tunnel.
- I blame those sprouts we had yesterday.

I think I'll make a fresh pot of tea.

This one's been here for three months.

Count me in.

- How did you get on, Eddie ?
- Well, I was leaving the Body Shop -

and there were a lot of bodies in there -

and I thought I'd nip to the greengrocers

and loot a few pounds of broccoli florets,
and you'll never guess what.

- What ?
- We've been burgled !

Well, you may have been, young man,
but I'm so tightly clenched, that...

Oh ! Burgled !

There was 156 cases of Malibu there !

156 ! That was going to
see me through to the weekend !

- Bastards ! Call the police !
- It's carnival time. They're all on fire !

- Bastards !
- Try and be a bit more Buddhist about it.

Bastards ! Bastards ! Bastards !

If it wasn't for the other 36 cases
upstairs I'd be really angry.

Right ! I'm going to write to my MP.

- Why ?
- Because I love her !

Eddie, Tony Blair is a man !

- She's not ! She's not !
- She is ! She is !

- She's not ! She's not !
- Quiet !


Spectacles back on.

Now calm down about Tony Blair.

And anyway, fret ye not, me old amigo,

because, if you care
to take a peek inside my trousers,

I think you'll find something down there
that'll put a smile on your face.

- What ? You mean... ?
- Yes.

- Sharon Stone ?
- Ye... No !

Sharon Stone, with a sort of
"Where's Eddie ?" expression on her face,

- wearing nothing but a honey sandwich ?
- No.

- A jam sandwich !
- No.

- Got it ! It's a kebab, isn't it ?
- It's not a kebab, Eddie !

Sharon Stone, painted green, vacuum-packed,
with the "Racing Post" sticking out her bum !

Shut up !

Shut up !

- Come in.
- Shut up, you sick, depraved Eddie de Sade !

I've told you not to tell me
your deviant fantasies !

Oh, God, I won't be able to sleep tonight.
I won't be able to see by morning !

Think Kenneth Clark, Richie.
Just think Kenneth Clark.

Kenneth Clark...
Kenneth Clark... Kenneth Clark...

Kenneth Clark... John Selwyn Gummer !

Oh, it's gone.

I'd forgotten about that ! Look at this !

Wrong one ! Take a look at this !

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da !

What do you think ?

- How did you get all that in your trousers ?
- Well, there's plenty of room... sadly.

- Where did you get it ?
- Well, I found it in a BBC van.

It was just lying there,
so I took it. I pay my license fee.

- No, you don't.
- Yeah, but they don't know that.

- Master criminal !
- Thanks, Eddie.

Right, this is the plan.
We are going to make our own movies, right ?

We'll get famous
and get our pick of the birds.

Oh !

Right ! Let's make "9? Weeks".

No ! No ! "Nude Birds Go Upstairs
To Eddie's Bedroom !"

No. No, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come back.

Honestly, you're so naif, aren't you ?
It's far more wily, my plan.

Far more wily than that.
OK, who is the sexiest man on TV ?

- Well, Kilroy, obviously.
- Of course, of course. Kilroy.

I'm going to make my very own prime time
current affairs discussion programme.

That's right. You heard me right
the first time. Pretty crafty, eh ?

If that doesn't get me sauced,
then I'm a Dutchman !

- Hilloo, Jacob !
- Hilloo !

Orangeboome, clog, dyke, windmill...

Shit !

- Action !
- Hello and good morning.

Should traffic wardens be armed ?
In the stu...

I'm stuck !

Oh, God, you bastard, Eddie !
Why do you never flush the toilet ?

That was fantastic, Richie !

We could send it to "Jeremy Beadle's
Hilarious Violent Domestic Incidents".

Come on, let's do it again,
and this time I'll turn the camera on.

We could make a fortune out of this !

- Money ?
- Yeah, if you really hurt yourself,

you can win up to ?1,000 !

- Really ?
- Everybody loves a near-death experience.

Eddie ! I think we may have found our milieu.

- Shall I get a mop ?
- I'm a genius !

We've got a camcorder,
we just record an hilarious accident.

- What about an dog ?
- An dog on an skateboard ?

An dog on an skateboard that accidentally
hangs itself and then catches fire !

This is good, Eddie. This is epic.
This idea is catching fire. Right !

Casting ! Casting ! Get me some dogs !

Casting, get me dogs and some jodhpurs

and an eye patch and a casting couch...
with a nudey bird on it...

major jugs... I mean, MAJOR jugs...

No ! Scratch ! Eddie,
I've got it ! It HAS to be a wedding !

We've gotta move
with the market. It's the '80s. Right.

I need to find a bird, marry her,
suddenly have friends for the reception,

then suddenly, at the dance afterwards -
bam ! - Someone accidentally falls over !

Or you could accidentally
catch a dart in your head.

- You may have something there, Eddie.
- Yeah, I think it's syphilis.

Everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they ?

That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers !

- I mean, toddlers falling off trikes.
- Pah !

This is the real stuff. The cutting edge
of family video accidents. Let's do it !

Just another ordinary day in my kitchen.

I hope to goodness gracious me
no viciously hilarious accidents happen.

- Oh, Marjorie ?
- Yes, dear ?

Cut ! Cut ! Cut ! The dart's in the eye !

- Yeah, I can see that !
- That's not funny. That's just an accident !

Reset to go again, everyone.
Oh, I'm the only one here.

Oh, all right. I'll do it all myself.

Oh, God !

Now catch it in your forehead, darling.
You're not indispensable, you know ?

Go again !

Right, here we go. This is the BAFTA.

Try and enjoy it, Eddie. And...



Just another ordinary day in my kitchen...

except I've lost the sight in one eye.

I hope to goodness gracious
nothing horribly amusing happens today.

Oh, Marjorie ?

Yes, dear ?

Come along ! Come along !

Oh ! Drat ! Those pesky kids !

Oh, dear ! I feel all dizzy now.

I hope I don't fall into this frying pan
full of hot burning fat.

Oh, bollocks. I'm all inflammable now.

Matches ? Matches ?

Come on, Eddie.
We're losing the audience.

Oh, no. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Genius ! Now the window !

Oh, God. Someone's left the window open.

No, someone hasn't.
Well, I still hope I don't fall out of it.

- How was it, then ?
- Eddie...

You were fabulous !

Just, just, just, just, just, just...

Just astonishing ! I mean, I cried.

- YOU cried ?
- Yeah. I cried...

when I realised we hadn't put the tape in.

The tape wasn't in the camera ?


Does that mean there's
a sort of problem with the recording ?

- We will have to go again.
- What ? Back to Casualty ?

You are a funny guy !

- Now, come on, darling. Time is money.
- I've retired.

Back on your feet, ducky !
A blank tape's no good to me...

Wait a minute ! That's it ! That's the joke !

No one's tried that before ! "Dear Beadle,
I was filming my wife accidentally...

"sewing her head to the curtains,
when suddenly, joke on joke,

"I realised
I hadn't put the tape in the camera !

"Take a look at this blank cassette.
I think you'll agree hilarity prevails !

"Please make the cheque out
to Richard Richard." It's brilliant !

Eddie, we'd better make sure it's blank.

- Oh, no ! We haven't got a video !
- Don't be stupid, Richie.

I picked up 17 this morning.
There's 43 in the attic.

Fantastic ! Can you wire them up ?

You betcha, matey ! Step to one side.

Seems ages since the carnival.

Yeah, must be about a week now.

How's the video coming along ?

Almost unwrapped.

Oh. Another wire.

Mmm... a white one.

Over the hills we go,
laughing all the way...

Hey, Rich ! That's it ! She's ready to go !

Oh, marvellous ! At last !

- Now, installation instructions.
- What ?!

Number one...

He rattled his maracas close to me

- Hi, Eddie !
- Oh, hiya, Rich !

- How was your holiday ?
- Oh, it was marvellous !

Glad to be back.
The carnival starts tomorrow.

- How's the video going ?
- Well, your timing's impeccable,

because I only have to connect the SCART
socket up to the LAN connector like so...

She's ready... inside a year !

Sterling work, Eddie.
Come on. Let's fire her up !

Thanks, Mr Repair Man.
Crate of Malibu for cash ?

- That'll do nicely.
- And, er... watch out for the top step !

- Gets them every time !
- Yeah ! Give me five, Eddie !

Yeah, they're great, these American things.

Right ! All set.
Slap in the cassette and check it's blank.

This is it, Eddie. We'll be frolicking
in vodka-flavoured clover from here on in.

There you go. Completely blan...

Hey, hang on. What's that ?

It's a room. I don't recognise that.

- It's not in our house, is it ?
- Hold up. Who's that coming in ?

It's the Prime Minister !
Stand up, Eddie, for God's sake !

Salute !

That's enough of that. Good afternoon, sir.

Eddie, put a doily on the telly
or something, for Christ's sake !

Sorry, sir. Carry on.

Is, er... Is that his bedroom, do you think ?

Oh, very much so, I believe, yes.

This is obviously an informal walk about
the prime ministerial private apartments.

Well, it's very informal, isn't it ?

He's taking his shirt off now !

Yes, well... The Prime Minster's nipples.

It's a great honour, sir.

- It's obviously very hot.
- He's obviously got a hot todger, as well.

Hang on. Who's she ?

Oh, that must be his mummy.

Yes, it's obviously
the Prime Minister's bedtime.

Oh, I see.

That is very unusual behaviour, isn't it ?

Maybe she's just chaining him
to the bed in case he falls off.

Yes, yes, yes, that must be it.

Look. She's very hot, too.
Look. She's taking her dress off.

Oh, look ! She's brought him a little present !

What is that ?
A sort of model of a moon rocket, isn't it ?

Whoa !

- What did she stick it in there for ?!
- Maybe she's taking his temperature.

Yes, that must be it.
Yes, yes. He's obviously ill, yes.

- Well, that would be why he's so hot.
- Yes ! Yes, of course.

I mean, look at the poor little mite,
he's groaning and thrashing around the place.

He's obviously got a very high fever...

and that's why
she's sucking the poison out of him.

I wish I had a mum like that.

Yeah, that's right !
Thrash the fever out of him !

He's saying something, Eddie.
Turn the sound up.

- I think it's mute.
- You can lipread. What's he saying ?

"Oh, yes.

"Oh, yes !

"Oh, yes !

"Oh, yes !

"Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! YES !

"OH, YES !



Oh, yes. He's calmed down a bit now.

Hang on. Who's she ?

That must be his auntie.

She's very friendly, isn't she ?

- I think they must be sisters.
- Yes, that'll be it.

- Don't sit there !
- She can't have seen him !

He'll suffocate !

I can't think that that's hygienic.

- Eddie ?
- Yeah ?

Is it just me, or do you sense
a slight sexual undercurrent to this ?

You don't suppose that what we're witnessing
here is Prime Minister's perving about

in a career-threatening once-in-a-lifetime
blackmailing opportunity

for two wily old desperadoes like us time ?

- Where's the phone ?
- Stand back !

Hello ! Get me the Prime Minister !
Because I want to blackmail him...

Richard Richard... Ooh, shit !

I accidentally gave my name away.
You'll have to phone using an assumed name.

Right you are.

Yes, hello.
I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister.

Er, Richard Richard.

You stupid idiot, Eddie ! You bloody fool !

- They'll be on to us now !
- Oh, don't talk bollocks, Richie !

It'll take them weeks to find us !

Hello ? It's the police !

Yes ?

They say we're surrounded
by the SAS. It's a siege !

- We've got to think fast !
- Well, that's us knackered, then, isn't it ?

- Yeah, well, should we give in now ?
- Oh ! No ! Sandwiches !

It's a siege, right ? We could eat like kings !

Good thinking, Eddie. Leave this to me.

Hello ?

What kind of sandwiches do you do ?

Sandwiches !

They say they don't do sandwiches, they're
a highly-trained anti-terrorist organisation.

Well, they're talking to the wrong bloke !
I want three egg, two crab paste

and one avocado and black pudding
with ketchup... and a can of Tizer !

Let's start getting heavy !

Did you get all that ?

- Yeah ? Yeah... Yeah... Hah !
- What does he say ?

Throw out the cassette
or he'll kill us immediately.

All right. Well,
let's start negotiating downwards.

What about Ritz crackers,
Twiglets, those cheesy things ?

OK, leave it to me, Eddie.

Hello. We take your point on the sandwiches.

What's your position on canap?s ?

Oh. Oh, damn. I suppose
a helicopter's out of the question, is it ?

Oh, what about a nudey evening
with Carol Barnes, the popular newsreader ?

Look ! Half a Curly-Wurly and a packet
of Love Hearts is me final offer !

Circumstances can change
awfully quickly these days, can't they ?

Well, this is the '70s, after all, Eddie.

- Ooh !

Hello ? 4444444 ? It's them again !

Yes, hello, the colander.

Yes, we got your hint.
Eddie, throw down the video.

Right you are.

- What does he say ?
- He says..."Ow ! Go, A-Squad."

- "Go, A-Squad" ?!
- "Go, A-Squad" !

Oh, shit !