Bottom (1991–1995): Season 3, Episode 1 - Hole - full transcript

Whoo !

This is definitely the last ride of the evening.

We've had more than enough fun
working our way through the stalls and attractions.

I think I'm about up to my three-quid limit !

How much did this ride cost ?

Three quid.

There you are ! I was right !

I'd just like another go on the throwing the darts
on the cards thingy.

Well, that's closed
because the proprietor's in the eye hospital.

And the waltzer's closed as well.

Yes !



I had no idea I'd eaten so much !

It went everywhere, didn't it ?

You looked like a sprinkler as you went round.

It was really actually very attractive.

I was awfully lucky to have
that pensioner to stand behind.

She was furious ! You whizzed round three times

and she looked like
The Creature from the Swamp.

I'm not sure all that was mine.

I don't remember eating
all those horrible lumps of gristle.

No, no, no, that was her face.

Oh... At least I feel better now,
that's the main thing.

Yes, that's the main thing.

Which is surprising,
considering the Ghost Train unpleasantness.

Ooh, yeah, that was nasty. It wasn't
coming out of your mouth that time !



Well, they shouldn't make 'em
so scary, should they ?

It's a lot more scary now, I can tell you !

You need a gas mask to get in there now !

I was lucky the bloke next to me passed out,

or I'd never have got his trousers !

How do they fit, by the way ?

Not bad. Not bad.

You know...

I'm not sure he was a bona fide bloke, you know.

They've got a skirty feel, these trousers.

I think he may have been Scottish.

- That's all right, then.
- Och aye, whoops a daisy !

The Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.

- That's right.
- We're moving !

For God's sake, don't foul
yourself again. Start screaming !

Agh ! Agh !

Is that it ?!

This is a complete rip-off !
I paid three quid for this !

It's bad enough two juveniles
like us having to pay full price !

Calm down. They're just letting more people on.

What ? Oh, yes, yes,

I knew that.

Maybe it's those birds that have
been following us around all night !

- What birds ?
- No, no ! Don't look !

It'll show them that we fancy them
and that we're keen.

Yeah, but we are.

Yes, I know that,
but we don't want them to know.

- Why not ?
- Because they'll know we fancy them.

Then we'll get off with them,
go back to their place and do it on them.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah ! Yeah, I can see your point.

Well, it's this new skirt. It rucks up very easily.

Come on, Eddie, this is it !
Let's wave at them and wink and stuff

- and let them know we're on !
- Righto !

How do I look ?

You use your eyeballs, don't you ?

Eyeballs, eyeballs ! OK, right. All set ?

Sexy faces on !

Let's ogle 'em !

Hey, hang on, Richie.
How do we know which one's whose ?

Well, mine's a cracker.

And what's mine like ?

Not bad, not bad.

Not as many legs as the other one,

and it's a shame about the beard,

but apart from that, smashing.

Are you sure she's not a bloke ?

What do you mean a bloke ?
I know a bird when I see one !

Was she smoking a pipe ?

- Yeah.
- And is she called Keith ?

Yeah.

You fool ! That's Keith and Deirdre !

Yeah ! Keith's your bird and Deirdre's mine.

Mine has a blue miniskirt
and tattoos of Little and Large on her thighs.

It's Keith and Deirdre from the Lamb & Flag

mixed doubles nudie tag mud wrestling team !

Oh, yeah ? Why was she giving me
the eye all night ?

Not the glass one, the other one.

And why was the bird
with the beard pointing at you ?

Because he's Keith !

One-legged, mad dog Keith McFrenzy,
and I owe him 50 quid !

He's been chasing me for 17 years !

Why do you think I always get mumps
during mud wrestling week ?

Look, they don't call me
the Hammersmith Crumpet Radar for nothing !

One look at me and she was
screaming for my underwear !

She is blind !

Yes, yes, yes, yes...

...yes...

Well, she obviously just sensed
my musky sort of smell !

Yes...

We've all been sensing your sort
of musky smell for nigh on 40 years.

When will you buy another shirt ?!

This is an original Van de Heusen !

Yes, it's THE original Van de Heusen !

It hasn't had a wash since 1963 !

Well, if you had the common decency
to go out and get a proper job

and not hang around the flat
all day like some vast slug,

I would have the opportunity
to take my top off and wash it

without you seeing my nipples !

Why isn't this ruddy ride working ?
We've been on it three minutes !

It IS Europe's tallest Ferris wheel.
It takes a while to get everyone on board.

Hey ! The lights have gone out !

That's weird, isn't it ?

Hey, maybe it's a love Ferris wheel !

Hey ! They're not letting anyone else on, Eddie.

In fact, Eddie,
we're the only ones on the whole ride !

It looks like they're closing up for the night !

I was enjoying that.

Reminded me of my dad's funeral.

I say !

I say ! Oh, thank God !
They've seen us ! They're waving.

They're not using all their fingers.

Yes, hello !

What time does the ride start ?

Uh-huh...

Yes...

Uh-huh, yes, yes. Yeah...

I can't understand a word he's saying !

I don't think he's saying anything.

He's swearing indiscriminately
and running towards the gate.

What ?! That's outrageous !

I say !

Er... bloody... What is it you shout in the slums ?

Uggy, uggy, uggy !

You've got his attention now !

- I used to live in Bromley !
- He's picking something up.

- That's a pretty wild place !
- They've all got something now.

I learnt a bit about punch-ups.

- Duck !
- Where ?

Hey, good shot ! Give yourself a goldfish !

Look out, here comes some more !

I don't understand !

What did we do ? What did we do ?

It's your fault for touching up
the burly Ferris wheel attendant.

I thought she was a girl.

They were pectorals, you fool !

She had an earring.

Yes, through her foreskin.

Yes, which I found out later
much to my distress ! Anyway,

I don't care what you say.
She still had one hell of a cleavage ! Whoo !

It was like strolling through the Alps !

I think it's all over now.

They're all sort of going away.

In fact, everyone's going away.

I think the whole fair is closing down.

Bastards ! They can't treat me like this !

My mother made sandwiches
for the Hammersmith Conservative Association !

Yeah, but no one ever ate them, did they ?

What about that bloke who got
convulsions and brain damage ?

- He's President of the Board of Trade now.
- Absolutely !

They can't treat us like this !
Now, look here, you roustabouts,

I've got a photographic memory,

and I'm going to memorise all of you !

I'll certainly remember that ! Right, Eddie,

write down the details for the police enquiry !

"Edward Elizabeth Hitler and myself

"were sitting down peacefully
in a northerly direction

"at precisely..." What's the time, Eddie ?

- Um... It's, um...
- Hang on. That's my watch !

Yes, I thought I'd bring it along for you.

What, my special gold watch ?

The one that Granddad Willis
found on that body in the Somme ?

Yes, I thought you might need to know the time.

Thanks, Eddie ! Right...
"At precisely three-thirty..."

That can't be right. It's awfully light, Eddie.

I took the innards out
because it was ever so heavy.

It was making a little dent
in your waistcoat pocket.

I got rid of 'em at that antique place.
Have you seen my new motorbike ?

Shut up about motorbikes.
I think you've bished here.

If it hasn't any innards,
how do we know what the time is ?

- It's obviously midnight.
- How did you work that out ?

Because the fair closes at midnight
and the fair's closed !

The fair's closed ! Agh !

The fair's closed !

The fair's closed and we're stuck
350 feet up in the air on a Ferris wheel !

Yes, it's a living nightmare !

Don't panic ! Don't panic !

Don't panic, Mr Man-waring !

Come on, Richie... Take all your clothes off
and knot them together.

Knot what together ?

Got it ! This is where the old commando training
comes in handy ! I wish I'd had some !

I'm going to go and get help. Will you be all right ?

Yes, there's a full page advert
for Oddbins with pictures.

I'll be all right for an hour or two.

Well, off I go.

- Eddie.
- What did the rescue people say ?

I haven't done that bit yet.

Eddie, if I fall and plunge
350 feet and splatter on the ground,

will you... you know...

- What, laugh ?
- No, no, no.

- Point and laugh ?
- No.

Will you scatter my ashes
over Queen's Park Rangers football ground ?

- No !
- Thanks !

Right !

See you later !

Look at that ! Gordon's Gin, one litre !

Hello, baby !

Right !

Your turn !

What do you mean, my turn ?

It needs someone less sensitive than me.

Bollocks ! I'm not going up there.

Look, Eddie, your pint's empty.

I'd better nip to the bar before they close.

Um... Can I get you anything ?

That's kind ! I'll have a Babycham.

- Got any money ?
- Fagin !

Let's see...

Back in a jiffy !

Back in a jiffy ?

Don't be so foul !

I wonder if they do a delivery service ?

Oh, God, we're trapped, aren't we ?
We're bloody trapped !

Oh, God ! Oh, God !
This is just like "The Poseidon Adventure" !

Why don't we just jump and use
your voluminous trousers as a parachute ?

No, no good, Eddie, I've got my PE knickers on.

Still ? It's 25 years since you left school !

Sssh ! My sister lives round here. She might hear !

- What's she like ?
- She's just like me,

only with smaller jugs.

- Think of something else.
- Right...

Oh, God ! I can't take any more
of this ! I'm going crazy !

I've got to get out of here !
I've got to get out of here !

Calm down !

Calm down !

Thanks, Eddie. I'm sorry about that.

I don't know what came over me.

- Thanks. I feel better now.
- Hey, Rich.

What was that for ?

I was just making sure.

Thanks, mate.

You know, if we ever get through
to the other side of this one...

I think I'm going to change the way I live.

I'm gonna get back to Blighty...

find meself a piece of land,

find meself a beautiful woman...

heck, maybe even raise some kids.

Ah, quit dreamin' !

We're not gonna pull through
to the other end of this one, Skip !

You've got to dream, Eddie,

you've got to hold on to the dream.

Can I ask you a question ?

Shoot from the hip -
that's always been your style.

- What's your question ?
- Well, it's kinda outta left field,

but my question is this.

Yeah ?

Why are we talking
such complete and utter bollocks ?

- I don't know, Eddie. I guess...
- Shut up ! Shut up !

Yeah, well, I guess
we're all shut up in our own way.

Shut up ! Shut up !

- You know...
- All right, that's it !

God, I hate that bollocks !

Yeah, me, too !

Sorry about the bollocks, Eddie.

Oh !

Oh !

Oh !

God, I'm bored !

How long have we been here now ?

About seven minutes.

God !

It feels like eight and a half minutes.

Hey, Richie !

Remember that Stork Margarine
competition we entered ?

Yeah ?

We didn't win it.

What ? Well, who did ?

- Slip Digby.
- Slip Digby ! The organist ?

Well, that's not what they called him in court.

Well, what was his winning caption ?

"I like Stork Margarine because...

"I've only got one leg."

- Not bad.
- Clever bastard !

Why didn't we think of that one ?

I told you we wouldn't get far
with "I like Stork Margarine

"because I've enclosed a fiver.
Mum's the word !"

Well, we never posted it, did we ?

There wasn't any point. You took the fiver out !

Look, there's an article
about the Ferris wheel in this week's "Bugle".

Not only is it the tallest,
it's also the oldest Ferris wheel in Europe.

It's all here in this article entitled,

"Illegal death trap wheel to close tonight.

"Whole area declared danger zone

"and boarded up to await detonation !"

- It's all wired up and ready to go.
- What ?!

It's too expensive to dismantle
so they're going to blow it up.

When ?

First thing tomorrow morning.

Agh !

Sort of spare underpants time, isn't it ?

HELP ! HELP !

We're just gonna have to wait
until an aeroplane comes

- and attract its attention, OK ?
- Yes !

Here comes one.

Sorry about that one.

So YOU had the egg !

Oh, look, Eddie, here comes a helicopter ! Hello !

Hello ! Is that a police chopper ?

No, one of them's just left
his truncheon sticking out the door.

- Yeah, it's got a side handle.
- Hello ! I say ! I say !

They can't see us !

They've gone !

If only we had something to illuminate us.

If only we had some flares !

You're making fashion statements ?!
We're going to be blown up at dawn !

No, no, I mean distress flares.

What, like the ones Suzi Quatro used to wear ?

- Stop the crap flares jokes !
- Right, right !

Have you got any alcohol ?

Good idea ! Let's drink ourselves
to death, then we won't notice !

Give that to me !

Right...

What's in this ?

- Brandy...
- Good.

...meths, Pernod, paint stripper,
Mr Sheen, brake fluid and Drambuie.

Drambuie

Ooh-ooh !

You've gotta put something in
for the birds, haven't you ?

Ooh, Jesus !

How are you alive ?

I may very well not be.

Well, this is gonna bloody work !
Stuff that in there.

Wait for the next chopper.

Set fire to it and bung it up in the air

where it bursts and illuminates us !

May I voice just a small note of caution ?

No time, Eddie. Here comes a chopper now !

Here goes.

Wait for it to burst. Wait for it to burst.

Look out !

You said it was going to illuminate us.
It's going to incinerate us !

You can't get much more illuminated
than being on fire, can you ? Wave !

Shout "Help !"

Is this, "Help, I'm stuck on a Ferris wheel !"

- Or "Help, I'm burning to death !" ?
- Will you stop whingeing ?

At least we're warm now, well, hot now,

well, being roasted alive now !
Bloody hell ! Put it out with your coat !

It's got 50 quids' worth
of miniatures sewn into the lining.

- The whole place would go up !
- Emergency bitter !

No !

Yes !

No !

Bye-bye, baby !

I will never, ever, ever forgive you for this !

- Thanks.
- What for ?

We get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we ?

Help ! Eddie, get me out ! Eddie, help !

Thanks ! Gosh, we get ourselves
out of some scrapes, don't we ?

If I hadn't been so crazily heroic
in stamping out the inferno,

that never would have happened !

Bollocks, you're just overweight !

Don't you DARE call me overweight, young man !

- Oh, blimey !
- My stars !

Splice my sausages !

Cor, lumme !

Christmas pudding !

Blood and stomach pills !

- Hey, Eddie...
- What ?

We know how to swear, us two, don't we ?

You hit the BLEEP !
Right on the nail, you BLEEP ! Bastard !

Oh, God, that was frightening !
My whole life flashed before me !

It was one long relentless collage of grey

interspersed with visits to the lav.

- Hey, Eddie !
- What ?

If we killed ourselves,

we could cheat fate !

I don't think we actually want
to piss fate off at the moment.

Well, this is it, then, Eddie.

Yes, I suppose so.

Any last regrets ?

Only that I didn't have a lavvy
before I got on the ride. How about you ?

No, I had one just after we got on.

I think that's what caused
the electrics to go, you know.

This is it.

I wish... I just wish...

I just wish my life had just...

...just been completely different !

Still, I did my bit for the country.

- What, you stayed in the town ?
- Absolutely.

You know,

I think I might come back as a bra.

What ?

All us Buddhists believe in reincarnation, you see.

- When did you become a Buddhist ?
- About five seconds ago.

And may I say, it has completely changed my life !

But, Eddie...

you can't come back as a bra.

That's just stupid ! You've got
to come back as something organic.

All right, I'm only a beginner, you know !

All right, then, I'll come back as Claudia Schiffer.

She's seriously organic !

And then, when it rained,

I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress
and get completely soaked.

Then I'd run indoors and say,
"Ooh, look, you're all wet.

"You'd better strip off slowly
in front of a mirror" !

- But you'd be a bird !
- Yeah, but SHE wouldn't know that !

Wait, wait. Let me get this straight.

You have perverted
the ancient wisdom of Buddhism

into a dastardly scheme whereby
you take over the brain of a supermodel

- just so you can ogle her norks ?
- That's about the size of it.

It's a bloody good plan, isn't it ? Yeah !

It's got a lot going for it, this Buddhism thing.

I'll come back as Dannii Minogue,

and I'll get a job as a topless go-go dancer
in a bar full of mirrors !

And after that, I'm coming back as a giraffe !

- A giraffe ?
- Yeah !

I'd have me head above the trees

so I'd be able to see any supermodels
taking topless helicopter lessons !

All right !

Hey, have you got any Buddhist vicars down there ?

Got any papers so we can sign up ?

Things are looking bleak !

Well spotted, Eddie Time's up.
I think we'd better start praying.

- Who to, Buddha ?
- No, none of that supermodel cobblers.

The real thing. Good old C of E.

Eddie.

- Oh, Lord...
- Oh, lordy...

- Oh, lordy, lordy...
- Lawks a lordy...

Oh, lordy, lordy, way down
on that old Swanee Riber...

Hear our prayer !

HE-E-E-LP !

It's a miracle !

- It's a miracle !

Nice one !

Very nice one !

Nice beard, too !

- Hang on ! Rich...
- What ?

Although we and the BBC

respect people's rights
to believe in whatever they wish,

because we don't want to get
into the shit on this one...

- we don't actually believe in God, do we ?
- No.

Shit ! Aaagh !