Bottom (1991–1995): Season 2, Episode 5 - Holy - full transcript

Ho, ho, ho !

This is for Richie, who's been a good little boy.

And this is for Eddie.

Enough said !

Right, where's the sherry ?

- Typical !
- Hic !

Never mind !

Sweet dreams, little boy ! Ho, ho, ho !

Merry Christmas, Santa !

Cut me down, Eddie ! I mean, little boy !

- It'll cost you ten quid, Richie.
- I'm not Richie, I'm Santa Claus !



Ho, ho... urrgh !

It'll cost you ten quid, Santa Claus !

I don't know why I bother !
Every year the same ! There you are !

Ta very much.

That was a particularly nasty fall !

And season's greetings to you, too,
little fellow ! Ho, ho, ho !

Christ, I think I've broken my leg !

Merry Christmas, Eddie ! I thought
I heard sleigh bells. Has he been ?

Oh, he has ! Oh, joy, oh, joy !
Let's open our presents !

Oh, look, mine's bigger than yours !

That must mean I've been a nicer boy than you !

Go back to bed. It's half-past three.

No present opening till half-past seven !

Come on, let's see what Santa's brought us ! Oooh !



Ooh !

It's a... It's a Brussels sprout.

That should come in handy for Christmas lunch !

Ooh...

it's a...

it's another Brussels sprout !

Thought so ! We must have enough
for a whole Christmas lunch now !

Good old Santa thinks of everything.

That's present number 113.

Another Brussels sprout.
Mustn't forget the thank you letter list !

Don't want Santa to think
we're ungrateful... Eddie ?

You've fallen asleep again !
Aren't you going to open your stocking ?

Well, I would, but there doesn't seem
to be much in this small child's sock.

Perhaps you haven't been a very good little boy.

Did you post my letter to Father Christmas ?

I can't seem to find the Star bird
I asked for, or me Batman cape,

or the ticket to the Bahamas !

You can't expect Santa to put expensive gifts
like that in a stocking !

Well, he ought to

'cause I signed the letter "Eddie Hitler.

On y va qui mal y pense, Eddie ! Qui mal y pense !

Now, come on, it's time !
Let's get our big ones out !

Tee hee A big Christmas joke
like "Do you like stuffing ?"

Now, what have you got me ?

Here you go, Richie.

- Aren't you going to open it ?
- I don't think I'll bother.

Why not ? What's wrong with it ?

It's about 20 times too small.

It's the thought that counts.

No, it's not. It's the size that counts.
Don't you read "Cosmopolitan" ?

How can I ?
They're all hidden under your mattress.

That'll do ! Let's try and keep it festive !

God, I hate Christmas !

I thought you were getting me
something sun-kissed and exotic !

And I have. Just open it !

It's a miniature bottle of Malibu !

It's an EMPTY miniature bottle of Malibu !

Correct ! Merry Christmas, Richie !

- What use is that ?
- You can use it to keep Malibu in,

so long as you keep it away from me. Hic !

Right, that's it !

Hang on, hang on ! I was only joking.
It's good for morale.

Look, here's your big one !

Oh ! Oh, Eddie, you haven't !

You haven't !

- No, you haven't !
- What do you mean ?

- It's empty.
- No, it's not !

Beg your pardon. There's a toilet roll in here.

A used toilet roll !

That is not a used toilet roll.

That is a play telescope !

I've drawn a picture of Sue Carpenter
in a bikini on the beach at one end !

Hey, that's bloody good, Eddie !

Why has she got five legs ?

No, that's her hand. She's waving.
It's perspective !

Hello, Richie !

Yes, that's bloody good !

Hey ! She's only got one knocker.

No, that's a speech bubble. She's talking to you.

Oh, yes, so she is !

"Fick urf...

"...you sad, pathtic winker."

I wonder what she means ?

- Well, where's mine ?
- All right !

What is it ?

It's a picture.

Oh, a picture. What of ?

Of me !

A self-portrait. Don't you like it ?

It's bollocks, isn't it, Richie ?

No, it's not, it's one of mine,

although he is awfully good.

We have a similar style. A lot of people
say my work looks like Bollocks.

Let's go downstairs
and see where we can hang it !

- It could go next to the table.
- That should help me lose weight.

We could stick it in the toilet !

Not a bad idea. I doubt if the flush
mechanism could handle it, though.

What ?

I've got the perfect place for it !

Right a bit, I think.

No, left.

Down a bit. Hold it there.

Yep, that's just about dandy.

That looks lovely !

You're a philistine, Edward Hitler !

It took me 15 minutes to paint that !

God, seven o'clock.

Another 27 hours of Christmas to go.

I won't survive. I'll have
to blank out in front of the telly.

No one watches the telly until the Queen's speech !

It's Noel's Christmas Family Video Accidents !

I don't care. We're going to do Christmas properly,

unless there's a Bond film on.

OK ? Let's keep it Christmassy.
There's only five hours till lunch.

I have to get my sprouts on.
Don't want them crunchy.

Not sprouts !

- I hate sprouts !
- Stop whingeing ! Nobody likes sprouts !

Why are we having them, then ?

Because it's Christmas !

We've got guests coming,
so I'd better get on with my turkey.

What are you going to do with it ?

It's the season of goodwill,
so I'll chop its feet off, rip out its innards,

shove an onion up its arse
and cook it till it's burnt.

- Fair enough.
- Right, now peel the potatoes.

We've four people coming so that means...

four potatoes.

Do you really want me to peel them ?
You'll only incinerate them.

Why don't we just bung 'em straight in the bin ?

All right, I'll do all the cooking...

...so long as you do
all the decorations. Now, crackers ?

Yes, but it's never stopped me so far !

Have you got the crackers ?

No, it's just the way my trousers hang !

Eddie, enough of the cracker jokes.

I'm talking about the things you hold and pull.

I've got one of those
but I'm not sticking it on the table !

You are funnier than Jonathan Ross.

But he's not funny.

Exactly. Get out of my kitchen before I twot you.

- Not fast enough !
- Fair enough. Point taken.

You scrape all the congealed bits
off the cutlery and lay the table,

I'll get on with the brandy butter.

Where's the brandy ?

Er... Hic !

That's effing marvellous, isn't it ?!

Hold your horses, Richie ! Don't panic, because...

Vodka margarine !

That's brilliant. Are you sure it's flammable ?

I anticipated your concern,

so I spiced it up
with a couple of cans of hairspray.

That is brilliant ! Well done !

That's sorted. Now, table placings.

I thought I'd put you next
to Spudgun because you're both...

...well, sort of, ugh, you know, aren't you ?

Did you get four quid off them each for the meal ?

- Yes, I did.
- Where is it ?

I spent it on the brandy.

I don't believe it ! You're no help at all !

You've done nothing
towards this season's goodwill !

You haven't even bought a tree !

- Yes, I have !
- Where is it ?

Shield your eyes and I shall wheel her in !

No, there's no time.

Ta-da !

That's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium !

Well, whatever it is, it cost 16 quid.

- 16 quid ?!
- So that's eight quid you owe me.

Eight quid ? That's nearly 50 pence a needle !

Oh, I despair, I really do !
And it's half-past eight already !

Half-past eight and all's crap !

I've got to get into my kitchen !

Spray-on snow to make everything Christmassy.
I'll scrub my sprouts.

I thought you were going to do some cooking.

Fair enough. Point taken.

Right, it's simple enough. It's potatoes anglaise.

Sprouts ? la...

...? la water...

And turkey ? la...

...oven !

That should get their taste buds going !

When it comes down to it,
there's only me and Keith Floyd left !

Bloody hell ! Bloody hell, Eddie !

Help ! Help !

Why ?

- What have you done ?
- I'd have thought that was obvious !

Oh, I see.

Ooh !

That's a bit of a nasty nick, isn't it ?

Why don't you call an ambulance ?

I haven't got anything to dial with now !

First aid ! What's the procedure
for someone who's chopped their finger off ?

I think they bleed to death in half an hour.

I don't want to die !
What did we do in the Boy Scouts ?

No, there's no time for that.

Apply a tourniquet

- before I lose consciousness !
- Okey-dokey. What is a tourniquet ?

It's when you restrict the flow
of blood around the body. Come on !

All the blood's rushing to your head.
Don't worry, I'll keep it there !

Look, it's working !

Look, I found your finger !

Pull your finger out, Richie !

- This is no time for fun and games !
- Yes, it is. It's Christmas Day !

Oh, it's worked !

Get your needle out. You'd better sew it back on.

I don't know. You know me and my sewing !

Yes, that reminds me, I must take
the dress you made me to the charity shop.

That wasn't a dress. That was a woolly hat.

Was it ?

Never mind, because...

I'm a dab hand with one of these !

Ooh, God !

Ooh, agh !

Thanks, Eddie. AGH !

Sorry, wrong finger !

Urrgh !

It worked ! Thank God !

Good ! Everything's going swimmingly !

Hot enough for you, little sprouts ?

Or is that the potatoes ? Or is it the stuffing ?

Everything looks the same !

That means everything's ready !

Look at the time !
They'll be here soon. Is the tree ready ?

Yep. There she is !

Shall I fire her up ?

Rather ! Get a bit of Christmas glow going !

Right... Contact.

That's quite a lot of Christmas glow,
isn't it ? Shall I open the window ?

Um... yes, thank you very much.

And there she goes...

...same as usual.

- That's the tenth one that's gone up like that.
- Yeah.

Do you remember
that electrician's course I went on ?

I'm beginning to think I should have
stayed for the full half hour.

Oh, Christmas !

Ding dong merrily on bloody high !

Why's it always so desperately depressing ?

Why does it never snow ?

You can't make a drizzle man, can you ?

Can't play drizzle balls ! At least
the drizzle will put the tree out

and nothing else can go wrong !

Agh !

Open the window before I faint from the pain !

Thank you. Eddie, come this way !

I don't know why I bother ! I really don't !

Eddie, stand back.

Merry Christmas !

Lordy, lordy, it's the guests !
We've got no time for fighting now !

We'll pick up where we left off later.
Remember where we got up to.

It'll be bloody difficult to forget !

Well, just in case...

...remember that ! Tidy up.
I'll welcome them over the threshold.

- I'm coming !

Can't wait to eat me out of
house and home, parasitic bastards !

Hello, Dave Hedgehog ! How are you ?

No, I'm Dave.

Oh, God, my eyes !

I really must stop masturbating ! Damn !

Well, hello !

Gosh, it's been what ?

Raining ?

- No, no, it's been ages.
- What has ?

Well, since we last, you know...

We never, you know, with you !

No, it's all going wrong. This is silly !
Come in ! Come ye ! Come ye !

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay

Remember... Er...

You said he was being put away before Christmas !

She won't last long.
She lost a lot of blood this morning

and she hasn't got the stamina !

Great, shall we have a drink, then ?

Here we are. Drinks coming right up !

What's that ?!

Gravy.

Gravy ?

Somebody drank all the sherry,
didn't they, Eddie ?

Hic !

- Well, I'm not drinking that !
- I beg your pardon ?

- I said I'm not drinking that.
- You just drink that up right now

or do I have to force it down your throat ?

Eh ? Eh ?

- What do you reckon ?
- Drink it. He's a psycho.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, one and all !

Is it Christmas ? Today ?

Merry Christmas, then. That must
be why that woman gave me that aftershave.

- What woman ?
- That old woman who hangs round the place.

You know, what's-her-name, my wife.

Andrea, no, no, Avril.
No, what am I thinking of ? Susan, that's the one !

Spudgun, you go next to Eddie
because you're both so ghastly.

You go next to me. Anyone who turns up
might take you for a Bohemian

rather than the sad, unemployable wretch you are.

Enjoy yourselves ! It's supposed
to be Christmas ! Heavens above !

- What's that smell ?
- That's lunch.

Thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident !

Right, here we go !

- One potato or two ?
- Two, please.

No...

...one.

No, two.

- No, one !
- OK, one.

That's better.

I changed my mind. None.

'Scuse fingers.

- Help yourself to sprouts.
- Oh, no, not sprouts.

Sprouts. So it IS Christmas, then.

Now, then, who likes stuffing ?

Ha, ha, ha !

Oh, no one. Oh, well, worth it for the joke, eh ?

Cor ! What a magnificent bird !

- Where ?
- Gets 'em every year !

Here we go, then.

Hey, who's for a lovely juicy bit of breast ?

Ha, ha, ha !

I love Christmas !

Eddie, are you a leg or a breast man ?

Would you like a magazine to read
while he tells his Christmas jokes ?

It's all academic now. I've made
a slight miscalculation with the timing.

Never mind ! Let's get
straight onto the pudding !

- Eddie, switch out the lights.
- Righto.

- Switch the lights back on !
- Righto !

Wait until I get to the pudding
before you switch out the lights.

- Righto !
- Wait !

Just smearing the vodka margarine on it !

Are you sure this will sustain the flame ?

It should do. It's been soaking
for two weeks. Should go up a treat.

- Here goes. Switch off the lights.
- Righto !

Bloody hell !

Well, same time next year, lads ?
Merry Christmas.

No, no, come on !
There's plenty of Christmas fun left !

No one likes pudding anyway !

Let's pull some crackers.

What, there's some birds coming ?

Ha, ha, ha !

Yeah, Christmas is great with jokes,
isn't it ? Come on !

Chivvy, chivvy ! If it wasn't
for me, you'd sit around all day

drinking and watching the television !

They've changed the titles to "Emmerdale Farm".

It's just called "Emmerdale" now.
Doesn't take so long to read.

Gives you a lot more time to do other things.

Can pack a lot more story in.

Mmm... Mmm...

- Mmm... Mmm...
- We still can't hear you !

If I speak, I'm out of the game.

You just spoke, so you're out of the game, then !

Stop ! New game, OK ?

When I go like this, it means it's a film.

All right ? So, it's a film.

Well, what's it called ?

No, you're supposed to tell me.

Why, don't you know ?

If you don't know, we could be here all night !

- You have to guess !
- Tell us. It's a lot quicker.

All right, stop, stop !
Shall we start again ? Off we go.

- It's a film.
- It's a TV programme.

- They televised it ?
- Or it's on video ?

No, no, no ! It's not a film.

You just said it was a film !

- All right. I'll go back to the film !
- Just tell us what it is !

All right. It was "The Guns of Navarone".
Satisfied ?

Right. My turn.

"Goldfinger" !

Right, Hedgehog.

I'll have "Goldfinger" as well.

You can't have that. Eddie had that.

Let's just all have "Goldfinger"
and then pack it in, OK ?

Right, Spudgun.

"Goldfinger".

Right, now that's that over with, OK ?

What's next ?

Sardines !

Anything's better than that bloody turkey !

- Oh, Jesus Christ, who can that be ?!

Are they collecting on Christmas Day ?

Sod off, you do-gooding bastards !

Oh !

Oh !

Oh !

Who is it ?

I don't know. He can't talk.

Well, punch him in the face
and kick him down the stairs !

If he's too drunk to talk,
he won't put up much of a fight, will he ?

Go on ! Enjoy yourself ! It's Christmas !

Look, guys, it's a baby.

What ?

I've got a baby.

We don't want a baby.

Get rid of it.

We're happy as we are.

Why spoil everything ?

We'll drift apart !

I mean, it's bound to come between us.

Well, I think that it's come between us already.

Come on, Eddie ! It's time
we faced up to our responsibilities !

We can't carry on being playboys
all our lives ! Besides...

it's a fact now. We have to deal with it !

Why couldn't you be more careful ?

Poor little mite. What a way
to spend your first Christmas !

Lying on your back with a bottle
sounds pretty good to me !

Don't cry, little matey !

Coo-ee !

I think he likes me !

Poor little blighter !

His first Christmas,

no family, no friends,

no Christmas presents !

Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him.

Yeah, he can have my Christmas present.

It's a box of Terry's All Gold.

He'll have to wait for his little teeth
before he can manage the chewy ones.

Yeah, and he can have my Frankenstein mask.

I was going to scare the shit
out of Richie with it later.

Agh ! Oh !

And you can have my bottle of aftershave.

It's a new one.

It's called "Grrr !"

Gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr !"

And you're all wearing crowns !

And I'm a virgin !

- I thought you said you weren't !
- I was fibbing to look hunky.

Oh, didn't work, did it ?

No, but enough of that.

Guys, if I was you, I'd stay on my knees.

This is it.

This is the Second Coming.

- What ?
- Well, look !

The three kings, gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr !",

the virgin birth.

And look - a blue headscarf !

I mean, that really tops it off !

It's all slotting into place.

I knew I was special !

I always knew I was different
from the other people !

That's why I never got a shag !

I was being kept pure because I'm better
than everyone else in the whole world !

Had a few pretty narrow squeaks, though !

Oh, yes... I didn't really. I'm lying to meself !

Guys...

...I think that we should pray.

- I think his nappy needs changing.
- What ?

Yeah, go on, Richie.

I mean, you're his mother.

Aw, come on, guys.
This is the 20th century. It's not fair.

But we are not worthy, O holy one.

Yeah, that's right, O chosen thing.

Yeah, O one...

...what he said.

What do you mean, "What he said" ?
You're supposed to be a wise man !

All right. I'll do it.
Who'd be a woman ? I don't know !

Are you sure he's the son of God ?

Nobody smoke ! Eddie, get the mop
and the bucket and the bleach.

What ?! You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom !

Let me have a go. I come from a large family.

You'd have to, wouldn't you !

You know, what we need is some girls
with really big breasts !

You've been saying that for 20 years.

Not for me, you fool ! For the baby !

He's very good with the baby, isn't he ?

Yes, he is. I am thinking
of conferring a sainthood upon him.

What, Saint Spudgun ?

Haven't you got
through to the Pope yet ?

No, he's gone.

Right, then. Next one,

Pope G.

Pope G ? He's not Pope Gavin, is he ?

It's Pope John Paul !

- Look under Pope JP !
- Oh, right, JP.

Pope JP. I didn't know he lived in Twickenham !

Fancy that !

Did you know... ?
Stop that ! You show some respect !

I'm not going to let the arrival
of the son of God spoil my Christmas !

Ooh, some terrible things will happen to you
when you finally pop off !

Yes, I shall have a word
with Richard Junior's father -

you know, my husband-in-law, God !

I shall make sure you get
a right proper roasting and no mistake !

It's not just my flat now,
it's my universe ! My name...

is now Richard Mary...

...and you all have to do everything I say

otherwise you will all go to hell ! Yeah !

Bloody hell ! This would work a treat
with Tracey down the Lamb & Flag !

I need some commandments.
One, everyone has to give me their money.

Two, all the girls in the world
have to take their tops down now.

NOW ! Three, no one's allowed
to hit me ever again in my whole life !

Hello, boys ! Merry Christmas and all that bollocks !

I didn't knock 'cause I couldn't be bothered.

Mr Harrison, you may be our landlord
but I'm the mother of God, so if you...

Oh, bugger off, you sad git !

Now, where's my grandson ?

Your... grandson ?

Are you deaf ? My daughter left him
with me. She'll be back soon, cow !

She went to see her bloody mother.

Stupid bitch had a heart attack this morning.

Expects us all to gather round,
and there's "Goldfinger" on the telly !

On Christmas Day - I ask ya !

Sorry I didn't ask but I knew you'd
say no so I thought, "Sod it !"

You bloody coo, you !

Keep your trap shut about my daughter

or I'll tell the police you kidnapped him !

- Where's Johnny ?
- I was showing him off to the neighbours !

He's such a bonny... bloody... thing !

Poor thing, he's hungry.

I'd better feed him. Bring him over here, Dad.

- You don't mind, do you, gents ?
- No, no !

Go ahead !

Merry bloody Christmas !