Bottom (1991–1995): Season 2, Episode 5 - Holy - full transcript

It is Christmas Day and Richie and Eddie are celebrating Christmas and decides to invite Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog to join them for Christmas dinner and fun and games. Where Richie finds a baby boy on the front doorstep and believes the baby is Jesus, Eddie, Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog are the three Shepards and he is the chosen one who has been kept pure by God, unaware the baby is their landlord Mr. Harrison's grandson Johnny.

Ho, ho, ho !

This is for Richie, who's been a good little boy.

And this is for Eddie.

Enough said !

Right, where's the sherry ?

- Typical !
- Hic !

Never mind !

Sweet dreams, little boy ! Ho, ho, ho !

Merry Christmas, Santa !

Cut me down, Eddie ! I mean, little boy !

- It'll cost you ten quid, Richie.
- I'm not Richie, I'm Santa Claus !

Ho, ho... urrgh !

It'll cost you ten quid, Santa Claus !

I don't know why I bother !
Every year the same ! There you are !

Ta very much.

That was a particularly nasty fall !

And season's greetings to you, too,
little fellow ! Ho, ho, ho !

Christ, I think I've broken my leg !

Merry Christmas, Eddie ! I thought
I heard sleigh bells. Has he been ?

Oh, he has ! Oh, joy, oh, joy !
Let's open our presents !

Oh, look, mine's bigger than yours !

That must mean I've been a nicer boy than you !

Go back to bed. It's half-past three.

No present opening till half-past seven !

Come on, let's see what Santa's brought us ! Oooh !

Ooh !

It's a... It's a Brussels sprout.

That should come in handy for Christmas lunch !


it's a...

it's another Brussels sprout !

Thought so ! We must have enough
for a whole Christmas lunch now !

Good old Santa thinks of everything.

That's present number 113.

Another Brussels sprout.
Mustn't forget the thank you letter list !

Don't want Santa to think
we're ungrateful... Eddie ?

You've fallen asleep again !
Aren't you going to open your stocking ?

Well, I would, but there doesn't seem
to be much in this small child's sock.

Perhaps you haven't been a very good little boy.

Did you post my letter to Father Christmas ?

I can't seem to find the Star bird
I asked for, or me Batman cape,

or the ticket to the Bahamas !

You can't expect Santa to put expensive gifts
like that in a stocking !

Well, he ought to

'cause I signed the letter "Eddie Hitler.

On y va qui mal y pense, Eddie ! Qui mal y pense !

Now, come on, it's time !
Let's get our big ones out !

Tee hee A big Christmas joke
like "Do you like stuffing ?"

Now, what have you got me ?

Here you go, Richie.

- Aren't you going to open it ?
- I don't think I'll bother.

Why not ? What's wrong with it ?

It's about 20 times too small.

It's the thought that counts.

No, it's not. It's the size that counts.
Don't you read "Cosmopolitan" ?

How can I ?
They're all hidden under your mattress.

That'll do ! Let's try and keep it festive !

God, I hate Christmas !

I thought you were getting me
something sun-kissed and exotic !

And I have. Just open it !

It's a miniature bottle of Malibu !

It's an EMPTY miniature bottle of Malibu !

Correct ! Merry Christmas, Richie !

- What use is that ?
- You can use it to keep Malibu in,

so long as you keep it away from me. Hic !

Right, that's it !

Hang on, hang on ! I was only joking.
It's good for morale.

Look, here's your big one !

Oh ! Oh, Eddie, you haven't !

You haven't !

- No, you haven't !
- What do you mean ?

- It's empty.
- No, it's not !

Beg your pardon. There's a toilet roll in here.

A used toilet roll !

That is not a used toilet roll.

That is a play telescope !

I've drawn a picture of Sue Carpenter
in a bikini on the beach at one end !

Hey, that's bloody good, Eddie !

Why has she got five legs ?

No, that's her hand. She's waving.
It's perspective !

Hello, Richie !

Yes, that's bloody good !

Hey ! She's only got one knocker.

No, that's a speech bubble. She's talking to you.

Oh, yes, so she is !

"Fick urf...

" sad, pathtic winker."

I wonder what she means ?

- Well, where's mine ?
- All right !

What is it ?

It's a picture.

Oh, a picture. What of ?

Of me !

A self-portrait. Don't you like it ?

It's bollocks, isn't it, Richie ?

No, it's not, it's one of mine,

although he is awfully good.

We have a similar style. A lot of people
say my work looks like Bollocks.

Let's go downstairs
and see where we can hang it !

- It could go next to the table.
- That should help me lose weight.

We could stick it in the toilet !

Not a bad idea. I doubt if the flush
mechanism could handle it, though.

What ?

I've got the perfect place for it !

Right a bit, I think.

No, left.

Down a bit. Hold it there.

Yep, that's just about dandy.

That looks lovely !

You're a philistine, Edward Hitler !

It took me 15 minutes to paint that !

God, seven o'clock.

Another 27 hours of Christmas to go.

I won't survive. I'll have
to blank out in front of the telly.

No one watches the telly until the Queen's speech !

It's Noel's Christmas Family Video Accidents !

I don't care. We're going to do Christmas properly,

unless there's a Bond film on.

OK ? Let's keep it Christmassy.
There's only five hours till lunch.

I have to get my sprouts on.
Don't want them crunchy.

Not sprouts !

- I hate sprouts !
- Stop whingeing ! Nobody likes sprouts !

Why are we having them, then ?

Because it's Christmas !

We've got guests coming,
so I'd better get on with my turkey.

What are you going to do with it ?

It's the season of goodwill,
so I'll chop its feet off, rip out its innards,

shove an onion up its arse
and cook it till it's burnt.

- Fair enough.
- Right, now peel the potatoes.

We've four people coming so that means...

four potatoes.

Do you really want me to peel them ?
You'll only incinerate them.

Why don't we just bung 'em straight in the bin ?

All right, I'll do all the cooking... long as you do
all the decorations. Now, crackers ?

Yes, but it's never stopped me so far !

Have you got the crackers ?

No, it's just the way my trousers hang !

Eddie, enough of the cracker jokes.

I'm talking about the things you hold and pull.

I've got one of those
but I'm not sticking it on the table !

You are funnier than Jonathan Ross.

But he's not funny.

Exactly. Get out of my kitchen before I twot you.

- Not fast enough !
- Fair enough. Point taken.

You scrape all the congealed bits
off the cutlery and lay the table,

I'll get on with the brandy butter.

Where's the brandy ?

Er... Hic !

That's effing marvellous, isn't it ?!

Hold your horses, Richie ! Don't panic, because...

Vodka margarine !

That's brilliant. Are you sure it's flammable ?

I anticipated your concern,

so I spiced it up
with a couple of cans of hairspray.

That is brilliant ! Well done !

That's sorted. Now, table placings.

I thought I'd put you next
to Spudgun because you're both...

...well, sort of, ugh, you know, aren't you ?

Did you get four quid off them each for the meal ?

- Yes, I did.
- Where is it ?

I spent it on the brandy.

I don't believe it ! You're no help at all !

You've done nothing
towards this season's goodwill !

You haven't even bought a tree !

- Yes, I have !
- Where is it ?

Shield your eyes and I shall wheel her in !

No, there's no time.

Ta-da !

That's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium !

Well, whatever it is, it cost 16 quid.

- 16 quid ?!
- So that's eight quid you owe me.

Eight quid ? That's nearly 50 pence a needle !

Oh, I despair, I really do !
And it's half-past eight already !

Half-past eight and all's crap !

I've got to get into my kitchen !

Spray-on snow to make everything Christmassy.
I'll scrub my sprouts.

I thought you were going to do some cooking.

Fair enough. Point taken.

Right, it's simple enough. It's potatoes anglaise.

Sprouts ? la...

...? la water...

And turkey ? la...

...oven !

That should get their taste buds going !

When it comes down to it,
there's only me and Keith Floyd left !

Bloody hell ! Bloody hell, Eddie !

Help ! Help !

Why ?

- What have you done ?
- I'd have thought that was obvious !

Oh, I see.

Ooh !

That's a bit of a nasty nick, isn't it ?

Why don't you call an ambulance ?

I haven't got anything to dial with now !

First aid ! What's the procedure
for someone who's chopped their finger off ?

I think they bleed to death in half an hour.

I don't want to die !
What did we do in the Boy Scouts ?

No, there's no time for that.

Apply a tourniquet

- before I lose consciousness !
- Okey-dokey. What is a tourniquet ?

It's when you restrict the flow
of blood around the body. Come on !

All the blood's rushing to your head.
Don't worry, I'll keep it there !

Look, it's working !

Look, I found your finger !

Pull your finger out, Richie !

- This is no time for fun and games !
- Yes, it is. It's Christmas Day !

Oh, it's worked !

Get your needle out. You'd better sew it back on.

I don't know. You know me and my sewing !

Yes, that reminds me, I must take
the dress you made me to the charity shop.

That wasn't a dress. That was a woolly hat.

Was it ?

Never mind, because...

I'm a dab hand with one of these !

Ooh, God !

Ooh, agh !

Thanks, Eddie. AGH !

Sorry, wrong finger !

Urrgh !

It worked ! Thank God !

Good ! Everything's going swimmingly !

Hot enough for you, little sprouts ?

Or is that the potatoes ? Or is it the stuffing ?

Everything looks the same !

That means everything's ready !

Look at the time !
They'll be here soon. Is the tree ready ?

Yep. There she is !

Shall I fire her up ?

Rather ! Get a bit of Christmas glow going !

Right... Contact.

That's quite a lot of Christmas glow,
isn't it ? Shall I open the window ?

Um... yes, thank you very much.

And there she goes...

...same as usual.

- That's the tenth one that's gone up like that.
- Yeah.

Do you remember
that electrician's course I went on ?

I'm beginning to think I should have
stayed for the full half hour.

Oh, Christmas !

Ding dong merrily on bloody high !

Why's it always so desperately depressing ?

Why does it never snow ?

You can't make a drizzle man, can you ?

Can't play drizzle balls ! At least
the drizzle will put the tree out

and nothing else can go wrong !

Agh !

Open the window before I faint from the pain !

Thank you. Eddie, come this way !

I don't know why I bother ! I really don't !

Eddie, stand back.

Merry Christmas !

Lordy, lordy, it's the guests !
We've got no time for fighting now !

We'll pick up where we left off later.
Remember where we got up to.

It'll be bloody difficult to forget !

Well, just in case...

...remember that ! Tidy up.
I'll welcome them over the threshold.

- I'm coming !

Can't wait to eat me out of
house and home, parasitic bastards !

Hello, Dave Hedgehog ! How are you ?

No, I'm Dave.

Oh, God, my eyes !

I really must stop masturbating ! Damn !

Well, hello !

Gosh, it's been what ?

Raining ?

- No, no, it's been ages.
- What has ?

Well, since we last, you know...

We never, you know, with you !

No, it's all going wrong. This is silly !
Come in ! Come ye ! Come ye !

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay

Remember... Er...

You said he was being put away before Christmas !

She won't last long.
She lost a lot of blood this morning

and she hasn't got the stamina !

Great, shall we have a drink, then ?

Here we are. Drinks coming right up !

What's that ?!


Gravy ?

Somebody drank all the sherry,
didn't they, Eddie ?

Hic !

- Well, I'm not drinking that !
- I beg your pardon ?

- I said I'm not drinking that.
- You just drink that up right now

or do I have to force it down your throat ?

Eh ? Eh ?

- What do you reckon ?
- Drink it. He's a psycho.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, one and all !

Is it Christmas ? Today ?

Merry Christmas, then. That must
be why that woman gave me that aftershave.

- What woman ?
- That old woman who hangs round the place.

You know, what's-her-name, my wife.

Andrea, no, no, Avril.
No, what am I thinking of ? Susan, that's the one !

Spudgun, you go next to Eddie
because you're both so ghastly.

You go next to me. Anyone who turns up
might take you for a Bohemian

rather than the sad, unemployable wretch you are.

Enjoy yourselves ! It's supposed
to be Christmas ! Heavens above !

- What's that smell ?
- That's lunch.

Thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident !

Right, here we go !

- One potato or two ?
- Two, please.


No, two.

- No, one !
- OK, one.

That's better.

I changed my mind. None.

'Scuse fingers.

- Help yourself to sprouts.
- Oh, no, not sprouts.

Sprouts. So it IS Christmas, then.

Now, then, who likes stuffing ?

Ha, ha, ha !

Oh, no one. Oh, well, worth it for the joke, eh ?

Cor ! What a magnificent bird !

- Where ?
- Gets 'em every year !

Here we go, then.

Hey, who's for a lovely juicy bit of breast ?

Ha, ha, ha !

I love Christmas !

Eddie, are you a leg or a breast man ?

Would you like a magazine to read
while he tells his Christmas jokes ?

It's all academic now. I've made
a slight miscalculation with the timing.

Never mind ! Let's get
straight onto the pudding !

- Eddie, switch out the lights.
- Righto.

- Switch the lights back on !
- Righto !

Wait until I get to the pudding
before you switch out the lights.

- Righto !
- Wait !

Just smearing the vodka margarine on it !

Are you sure this will sustain the flame ?

It should do. It's been soaking
for two weeks. Should go up a treat.

- Here goes. Switch off the lights.
- Righto !

Bloody hell !

Well, same time next year, lads ?
Merry Christmas.

No, no, come on !
There's plenty of Christmas fun left !

No one likes pudding anyway !

Let's pull some crackers.

What, there's some birds coming ?

Ha, ha, ha !

Yeah, Christmas is great with jokes,
isn't it ? Come on !

Chivvy, chivvy ! If it wasn't
for me, you'd sit around all day

drinking and watching the television !

They've changed the titles to "Emmerdale Farm".

It's just called "Emmerdale" now.
Doesn't take so long to read.

Gives you a lot more time to do other things.

Can pack a lot more story in.

Mmm... Mmm...

- Mmm... Mmm...
- We still can't hear you !

If I speak, I'm out of the game.

You just spoke, so you're out of the game, then !

Stop ! New game, OK ?

When I go like this, it means it's a film.

All right ? So, it's a film.

Well, what's it called ?

No, you're supposed to tell me.

Why, don't you know ?

If you don't know, we could be here all night !

- You have to guess !
- Tell us. It's a lot quicker.

All right, stop, stop !
Shall we start again ? Off we go.

- It's a film.
- It's a TV programme.

- They televised it ?
- Or it's on video ?

No, no, no ! It's not a film.

You just said it was a film !

- All right. I'll go back to the film !
- Just tell us what it is !

All right. It was "The Guns of Navarone".
Satisfied ?

Right. My turn.

"Goldfinger" !

Right, Hedgehog.

I'll have "Goldfinger" as well.

You can't have that. Eddie had that.

Let's just all have "Goldfinger"
and then pack it in, OK ?

Right, Spudgun.


Right, now that's that over with, OK ?

What's next ?

Sardines !

Anything's better than that bloody turkey !

- Oh, Jesus Christ, who can that be ?!

Are they collecting on Christmas Day ?

Sod off, you do-gooding bastards !

Oh !

Oh !

Oh !

Who is it ?

I don't know. He can't talk.

Well, punch him in the face
and kick him down the stairs !

If he's too drunk to talk,
he won't put up much of a fight, will he ?

Go on ! Enjoy yourself ! It's Christmas !

Look, guys, it's a baby.

What ?

I've got a baby.

We don't want a baby.

Get rid of it.

We're happy as we are.

Why spoil everything ?

We'll drift apart !

I mean, it's bound to come between us.

Well, I think that it's come between us already.

Come on, Eddie ! It's time
we faced up to our responsibilities !

We can't carry on being playboys
all our lives ! Besides...

it's a fact now. We have to deal with it !

Why couldn't you be more careful ?

Poor little mite. What a way
to spend your first Christmas !

Lying on your back with a bottle
sounds pretty good to me !

Don't cry, little matey !

Coo-ee !

I think he likes me !

Poor little blighter !

His first Christmas,

no family, no friends,

no Christmas presents !

Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him.

Yeah, he can have my Christmas present.

It's a box of Terry's All Gold.

He'll have to wait for his little teeth
before he can manage the chewy ones.

Yeah, and he can have my Frankenstein mask.

I was going to scare the shit
out of Richie with it later.

Agh ! Oh !

And you can have my bottle of aftershave.

It's a new one.

It's called "Grrr !"

Gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr !"

And you're all wearing crowns !

And I'm a virgin !

- I thought you said you weren't !
- I was fibbing to look hunky.

Oh, didn't work, did it ?

No, but enough of that.

Guys, if I was you, I'd stay on my knees.

This is it.

This is the Second Coming.

- What ?
- Well, look !

The three kings, gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr !",

the virgin birth.

And look - a blue headscarf !

I mean, that really tops it off !

It's all slotting into place.

I knew I was special !

I always knew I was different
from the other people !

That's why I never got a shag !

I was being kept pure because I'm better
than everyone else in the whole world !

Had a few pretty narrow squeaks, though !

Oh, yes... I didn't really. I'm lying to meself !


...I think that we should pray.

- I think his nappy needs changing.
- What ?

Yeah, go on, Richie.

I mean, you're his mother.

Aw, come on, guys.
This is the 20th century. It's not fair.

But we are not worthy, O holy one.

Yeah, that's right, O chosen thing.

Yeah, O one...

...what he said.

What do you mean, "What he said" ?
You're supposed to be a wise man !

All right. I'll do it.
Who'd be a woman ? I don't know !

Are you sure he's the son of God ?

Nobody smoke ! Eddie, get the mop
and the bucket and the bleach.

What ?! You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom !

Let me have a go. I come from a large family.

You'd have to, wouldn't you !

You know, what we need is some girls
with really big breasts !

You've been saying that for 20 years.

Not for me, you fool ! For the baby !

He's very good with the baby, isn't he ?

Yes, he is. I am thinking
of conferring a sainthood upon him.

What, Saint Spudgun ?

Haven't you got
through to the Pope yet ?

No, he's gone.

Right, then. Next one,

Pope G.

Pope G ? He's not Pope Gavin, is he ?

It's Pope John Paul !

- Look under Pope JP !
- Oh, right, JP.

Pope JP. I didn't know he lived in Twickenham !

Fancy that !

Did you know... ?
Stop that ! You show some respect !

I'm not going to let the arrival
of the son of God spoil my Christmas !

Ooh, some terrible things will happen to you
when you finally pop off !

Yes, I shall have a word
with Richard Junior's father -

you know, my husband-in-law, God !

I shall make sure you get
a right proper roasting and no mistake !

It's not just my flat now,
it's my universe ! My name...

is now Richard Mary...

...and you all have to do everything I say

otherwise you will all go to hell ! Yeah !

Bloody hell ! This would work a treat
with Tracey down the Lamb & Flag !

I need some commandments.
One, everyone has to give me their money.

Two, all the girls in the world
have to take their tops down now.

NOW ! Three, no one's allowed
to hit me ever again in my whole life !

Hello, boys ! Merry Christmas and all that bollocks !

I didn't knock 'cause I couldn't be bothered.

Mr Harrison, you may be our landlord
but I'm the mother of God, so if you...

Oh, bugger off, you sad git !

Now, where's my grandson ?

Your... grandson ?

Are you deaf ? My daughter left him
with me. She'll be back soon, cow !

She went to see her bloody mother.

Stupid bitch had a heart attack this morning.

Expects us all to gather round,
and there's "Goldfinger" on the telly !

On Christmas Day - I ask ya !

Sorry I didn't ask but I knew you'd
say no so I thought, "Sod it !"

You bloody coo, you !

Keep your trap shut about my daughter

or I'll tell the police you kidnapped him !

- Where's Johnny ?
- I was showing him off to the neighbours !

He's such a bonny... bloody... thing !

Poor thing, he's hungry.

I'd better feed him. Bring him over here, Dad.

- You don't mind, do you, gents ?
- No, no !

Go ahead !

Merry bloody Christmas !