Bottom (1991–1995): Season 1, Episode 1 - Smells - full transcript

What happened there ?
I just don't understand it.

I made all the right moves.
I winked. I smiled -

one of my nice ones as well.

I sat down very nicely,
leant forward, put on my special eyes

and said, "Hello, big tits,
looking for some action ?"

- And what did she say ?
- I think she said, "No", didn't she ?

That's right - no !

Blasted lesbians everywhere ! They should have
labels on them or something !

I wasted half an hour on those two,

prancing up and down, winking,
clenching me buttocks.

Backwards and forwards to the gents
I was going. Look at this !



I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here !

I don't think they were lesbians, Richie,

'cause they got off with those other blokes.

Those handsomer... wittier...
Well, basically, those two guys

that didn't have a load of toilet
paper stuffed down their trousers.

You hardly helped,
stuffing a Vimto bottle down your pants

and shouting, "Looking for the Eiffel Tower, girls ?"

I got a result.

I don't call a kick in the knackers a result !

A free drink !

A kick in the knackers and a vodka in the face.

Always keep your mouth open
when you insult a lady !

What a waste of time !

If only I could just get
one of them to do it with me.



Anybody ! Just to do it with me.

Just once.

Just to find out what it's like.

I mean, look.

Look all around you.

Friday night, and everywhere you look,

there's buildings full of people all doing it.

All doing it and doing it,
and then stopping and having a fag

and then doing it a bit more.

There's not a single one of 'em
saying, "Hang on a minute.

"This really isn't fair. I mean, here's us doing it,

"and there's poor old Richie
and he hasn't done it - ever !

"He hasn't got anyone to do it to.

"Tell you what, I'll pop down
and do it to him for a bit, all right ?"

I mean, it wouldn't hurt, would it ?

It'd be charitable.

I mean, just think of
all those acres and acres of ladies

all lying there saying,

"Come on, darling, let's do it",

and the bloke saying, "I don't
feel like it, the snooker's on."

Well, I could be filling in for him.

Providing a service.

I could even charge.

Might make a bit of money !
Hey, Eddie, I've just thought of...

What on earth are you eating ?

Lard.

You are eating lard ?

Yeah, well, I'm hungry but I'm too drunk to cook.

All right, Eddie, I can feel the elbow in me ribs.

I'll do one of my famous Friday night fry-ups !

Chuck us a couple of eggs.

Ha, ha, ha !

The old ones ARE the best ones, aren't they ?

Who needs girls when you've got your mates ?

There's some things a girl just can't appreciate,

and Richie's Friday night fry-up
is one of them ! Oil !

Mazola !

Right, then, a little dab of oil,

my secret ingredient...

Come on out, you know you want to !

Come on, you've only been in there a week.

And then just the last couple of pints...

Oh !

Lovely night !

Hit that dog again !

Why doesn't anyone
ever wanna have any sex with me ?

Well, look on the bright side,

at least you're not gonna get
any sexually transmitted diseases.

I'll be lucky to catch flu off a girl.

The nearest I've ever got to sex

was when that bus conductress
sneezed all over me this morning.

Talk about the Green Line !

Oh, Eddie,

I'm just so depressed !

Cheer up, Richie !
There's loads of ugly birds in the world.

One of 'em's bound to do it
with you sooner or later.

But there must be some way
I can get a woman to sleep with me.

Anyway, it's the staying awake bit
I'm interested in.

- I've just had a fantastic idea !
- Great !

Well ?

- What ?
- What was the fantastic idea ?

To drink that.

Only joking !

Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column ?

Yeah !

Yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately
seeks sex of any description."

That is absolutely brilliant !

"Suave, sophisticated, witty..."

Ba-ba-ba-ba ! Ha, ha, ha !

Let's just be economical with the truth.

Something buck...

Hot young buck !

What about badger ?

No, no, I'm more a sort of...

- Hedgehog !
- No, fox !

That's good ! No, that's good !

No, that IS good !

Stoat !

Foxy stoat ?!

Yeah !

Yeah, it's got a ring to it !

Foxy stoat seeks...

Pig !

Foxy stoat seeks pig !

Shut up, Eddie !

This is very important !

Let's see, now. Foxy stoat...

...on the prowl...

Grrr !

I like that !

Musky...

Musky fox...

Musky, sly old foxy stoat...

Minky, musky, sly old stoaty stoaty stoat !

Oh, this is ridiculous !

I'm not getting anywhere !
What do they normally put ?

Hang on, here we are.

Sad old gits section !

Sad old gits section !

- Did you hear what I said ?
- Yes.

I said, "Sad old gits section" !

Please, I've only got so many ribs, No?l Coward.

What do they normally put ?

Well, HE'S not going to get very far, is he ? "Gay" ?

Don't knock it, Eddie,

cuts down the field for guys like us !

Let's have a look at this.

Gay...

gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, widow, gay.

Widow !

Widow - busty, raven-haired, millionairess...

...gay.

Gay, gay...

- This is the gay section !
- Yup !

Oh, look...

Ooh, what's this ? "Instant Sex Appeal" !
You can get it in a bottle !

Let's have a look.

"Pheromone sex scent.

"Women cannot resist this powerful love smell.

"Scientifically distilled
from mystical African orchids." Wow !

It's medically proven ! "This stuff attracts women
like you would not believe -

"Karachi Medical Gazette.

"Available at all good sex shops."

This is it, Eddie !

Girl City, here we come !

What do you think, old chum ?

Nil desperandum !

Can I help you, sir ?

This is a sex shop, isn't it ?

Yes.

I'll have five quid's worth, then !

I haven't heard that one before.

Shall I tell it again ?

No. I'd rather have a pineapple
inserted violently into my rectum.

You've been working here too long, mate !

- Can I help you, sir ?
- No.

Do you wish to purchase anything
to assist you with your sex life ?

What are you implying ?
That I'm a sexual inadequate ?

I have a full and varied sex life !

I don't need anything from a shop like this !

Would you get out, then, sir ?

- No.
- Why not ?

It's a secret.

OK ! Two bottles of pheromone, please.

- Pardon ?
- Two bottles of pheromone, please.

That's the sex spray for inadequate men
who are unable to attract women ?

- That's the one, yes.
- Isn't it, sir ?

I've no idea ! Not being a pervert,
I'm not up on these things !

Your sex spray, gentlemen.

- I've got it !
- Fantastic !

Give me mine ! Let's go !

I mean, well done, Doctor !

- I'm not a doctor.
- Shut up !

We are men of science.

We live our lives on a higher plane

where purity and virginity
are the only things we respect !

That's right ! Let's get back to the flat,
bung this on, get down the pub

- and try to pick up some birds !
- Yeah !

Hello, baby. Feeling mysteriously
drawn to me, are you ?

Well, don't you worry,
you can have me whenever you like !

Blast these underpants !

I've been soaking them for hours
and I still can't get them off.

You know I've only one pair of pants ?

- Yeah.
- The elastic went, so I glued them on.

- Have you tried Swarfega ?
- This is Eternogum !

Nothing'll shift this ! I've been sitting
in a bowl of petrol for two hours !

One curry and I'll blow and take
half the street with me as well !

Don't you worry. Within the hour,

some pheromone-crazed love goddess
will be ripping them off with her teeth !

Do you really think so ?

No doubt about it !

God, I wonder what she'll find down there ?

I've had them on for three weeks.
Where's that Biro ?

Right, chest hair.

What do you think, curly or straight ?

Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think ?

I'd go for curly.

Yeah, curly it is.

I'm not sure about the green, though.

I used up all the black on my legs.

Uh-oh ! Nose hair ! Tweezers !

What do you mean, tweezers ?

We've never had any tweezers.

Well, get some pliers, then.

It doesn't matter how much pheromone I put on,

some bird will pull on that
and expect the butler to come in.

- Here we go. Which one is it ?
- The third one on the left.

- Brace yourself.
- Yes.

- This might make your eyes water.
- OK.

Bastard !

- No, Eddie, no ! This is stupid !
- Yes.

We're going out tonight to get
some fantastic birds, remember ?

Let's not take out our frustrations on each other.

We can take them out on them, OK ?

OK.

OK. Come on. Let's shake and make up.

Great gag !

Yeah, that's right. Our crumpet-free
days are over. Listen to this.

"Spray liberally,

"go to a place with lots of females

"and brace yourself !"

How much do you think we should put on ?

- I've already put on half a bottle.
- Half a bottle ? Are you insane ?!

You'll be dead by morning ! Death by sex !

You'll just be lying there

and they'll be doing it to you
and doing it to you until...

I think I'll put on half a bottle as well !

A little bit there and a little bit there !

A little bit there just in case.

Right, where's that packet
of rubber johnnies we used to have ?

We stuck 'em on our heads
when Norman gave us that sherry.

Great days, they were ! Great days !

Not to worry, let's get some down the pub.

Blimey ! When it said "female",
I didn't expect the term to be so broad !

Right, here we are.

Here we go. Death by sex, part one !

Come on !

Look at that cracking bit of crumpet !

That one's got my number on it.

I'll see you later, pal, I'm going in !

OK. Good luck, skipper.

Yes !

Give in !

Give into your cravings !

I beg your pardon ?

Do as you are bid !

You cannot help yourself !

Come back to my place
because we're going to have it off !

What do you think you're doing with my wife ?

He's gonna have it off with her !

I don't think he is.

- He's not capable any more !
- Darling, don't hurt them.

I think it's shocking they send them
back into the community so soon.

That's right ! We're mere loonies !
We mean no harm !

Come back to my place,
we're going to have it off ! I'm mad !

- You see, Eddie ? It works !
- Did it ?

If it hadn't have been for that gorilla,
I'd have been well away !

She was mesmerised ! And I'll tell you what,

it's loosened up my pants a bit, too !

- This is your lucky day !
- You're not wrong there.

Come on. We'll get the drinks in
and then we'll prowl.

Landlord, two halves of mild, please.

- In pint glasses.
- Certainly, Eddie.

- How are we tonight ?
- Yup.

Phwoar ! Smells like the drains have gone again !

Cor ! Look at those couple
of stunners down there !

Do you think they're Star birds ?

Bound to be, mate.

Either that or topless models.

Look at the way they're sitting.
They're screaming for it.

They want to have it off with someone ! Come on !

- That'll be ?1.60, please.
- Stick it on the slate.

- You haven't got a slate.
- Yes, we have !

- No, you haven't.
- I demand to see the landlord !

- I AM the landlord.
- I know.

We have this conversation every night ! ?1.60 !

- There you are ! Vampire !
- Leech !

- Bloodsucker !
- Shut up !

- It's always worth a try !
- Absolutely !

Speaking of which, let the tournament commence !

Excuse me ! Excuse me !

- Is there something wrong ?
- No, there's everything right...

my love !

- Is that one mine ?
- Yeah, that's your bird.

Right, I'd better get started, then.

What's it to be, then ? Mild or bitter ?

- Or straight back to our place ?
- We don't want a drink.

I think you do.

- Are you sure ?
- OK, if you must, I'll have a coke.

Bingo ! It bloody works !

Get the drinks in. I'll keep the birds white-hot !

So, little baby...

...what might your little name be today ?

My little name's Kate today,
same as it was yesterday.

I say, what a lovely blouse.

It's very special, isn't it ?

Do you often wear blouses ?

Or sometimes do you wear a jumper ?

I suppose it depends
on the weather, doesn't it ?

I sometimes wear a jumper.
There again, sometimes I wear a cardy.

Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants
off with your teeth ?

You haven't got a slate !
Extortioner !

- Parasite !
- Shut up !

- Here we go.
- I suppose if you're wearing dentures...

Fancy a gander at the Eiffel Tower ?

This is frightfully good...
No, it's not ! Eddie, no !

No, don't do that,
because I think it's time to go to the toilet.

Wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me ?

No, I wouldn't.

I get it ! Johnnies !

I'm desperate to go.
Keep yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment.

Adieu,

adieu,

to yer and yer and yer.

Will you get into
the lavatory with me this instant !

We're toilet inspectors.

- The coast is clear !
- Right, let's go !

Nadgers ! What kind do you want ?

Rubber ones.

Yeah, but there's ribbed,
there's ticklers and there's ultra-sensitive.

- Ripped ?
- Yeah.

Who's gonna want a ripped condom ?

That must be for people who wanna get pregnant.

I don't think ultra-sensitive is our style, do you ?

Right then, tickler it is.

Oh, nadgers !

- What colour ?
- What have they got ?

There's black, there's gold,
there's Union Jack or there's leopard skin.

Which do you think is the most romantic ?

Union Jack, of course.

- Well, Union Jack tickler, then.
- Okey-dokey !

- Oh, nadgers ! What flavour ?
- Flavour ?

Yeah, there's banana, strawberry,

peanut butter,

Marmite or cheese and onion.

Well, everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they ?

Okey-dokey, cheese and onion
flavour Union Jack tickler it is.

Bagsy me first go with it !

- Get two.
- Get two ?

- Yeah.
- Wildman !

Bastard !

Bastard !

- Give me my rubber johnnies !
- Hang on, hang on !

I'm the DIY expert.

Right, let's have a look at the little fella.

- Yeah, I think I see the problem.
- What is it ?

Give me my johnnies !
There's two birds out there in the bar

who are just screaming for it ! Get off, Eddie !

Give me my johnnies !

I just want to do it and do it
to those two birds at the bar !

You wanna what ?

He wants to do it and do it
to those two birds at the bar.

Look ! More johnnies
than it's humanly possible

- to use in a week !
- Great !

That should do. Let's get out there
before our two crumpets go off the boil !

Oh, no ! Someone's nicked our birds !

Come on, Richie, let me at 'em.
I'm a sex typhoon.

Hello, baby !

Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair !

Yeah, it's a bit of all right, isn't it ?

Someone's nicked our crumpets ! Oh, no,

there they are !

Eddie, no, wrong one !

Ha, ha, ha !

Oh, so you've moved tables.

Of course, how silly of me.

It's much more romantic
in a booth, isn't it, birds ?

This is a private conversation.

Carry on. We'll just sit here and listen,

but you'd better hurry up,
we haven't got all night.

No, I'm sorry. We'd rather be on our own.

Oh.

Oh ! Ha, ha, ha !

Trying to decide which one of us
you want to have, are you ?

Well, before you decide let me tell you

that "tiny" Eddie here and I...

...share the same flat, so don't worry,

you'll both be waking up in the same house.

Have me !

Have me !

I'm a love albatross !

Ha, ha, ha !

Yes...

...although, if you play your cards right,

you could both wind up sleeping in the same bed.

Sorry, we're really NOT interested.

- Besides which, we're lesbians.
- You're used to it, then ! You're what ?!

- We're lesbians.
- Is this a joke ? It isn't very funny !

- Come on, Kate, let's go.
- Sit down, young lady !

I bought you a Coca Cola in good faith.

That's 80 pence you've hoodwinked out of me !

When I said, "Hello, darling,
would you like a Coca Cola ?"

Did you say, "No, thanks, I'm a lesbian" ?

- No, you said, "That'll be lovely."
- I said, "All right, if you must."

There's no need to be so pedantic !

- You owe me 80 pence !
- What do you mean ?

- Well, you won't sleep with me !
- Here's your 80 pence. Let's go.

What, you're going ? No, wait !

Wait ! This is silly ! This is so silly !

Look, I'm terribly sorr...

What the hell ! Let's waive the 80 pence.

It's Saturday night, who cares ?

Look, OK, I'm sorry. I have been terribly intolerant.

It's not your fault that you're lesbians.

Look, please, give me one more chance.

Come back to my place and I'll cure you.

What did I say ?

Don't go ! Please ! I've got the same
ideas about women as you have !

I've got loads of magazines.
We can read them together.

I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983

and they just flop open at the lingerie pages.

I even taped the Clothes Show
special on beachwear.

We could take our clothes off
and watch it in our pants !

Yes, is there something wrong ?

Huh ! Saturday night.
Oh, well, may as well have another drink.

- I shall have a large...
- Time, gentlemen, please.

- You are a c...
- Out !

Hi, baby.

Cor ! You smell great !

- Let's do it !
- Get a grip !

Lovely, aren't you ? Lovely, lovely, lovely !

Eddie, no !

Richie, yes !

Right, I'm off.

Changed your mind, have you, dearie ?

Well, come on, then !

Plant a big one right on me kisser !