Boston Legal (2004–2008): Season 1, Episode 8 - Loose Lips - full transcript

This is a staff meeting, Mr. Shore.

- I realize that.
- Why are you in a Santa suit?

It's after Thanksgiving. Surely you're not
suggesting I still dress as a pilgrim.

- And who is this?
- She's my elf.

Sometimes...

especially after Santa's been drinking,
he needs a little helper.

Have you been drinking today?

No. Today I just brought her
for amusement.

My doctors are concerned
these staff meetings...

could cause me to lapse into a coma.

I see.



Well, since privileged information
is exchanged during these staff meetings...

your helper will have to leave.

Would you wait in my office, dear?

Sure.

Actually, there's that walk-in.
He's waiting in reception.

Maybe Alan should take that.

- Perhaps you're right.
- A wrongful termination.

The guy was fired
as a department store Santa.

Since you seem to have such a connection
with the subject matter...

I'll do it!

I've always wanted a Santa case.

Oh, this is much more right for Alan.

I said I'll do it.

- Where is he?
- Uh, in reception.



Gil Furnald?

That's me.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

- No, it isn't.
- Ho, ho, ho!

Deal with it.

- Alan.
- Tara.

- What's with the woman?
- What woman?

What woman! The one you
brought to the staff meeting.

She's my elf, Tara.
I thought I was quite clear on that.

Yes. Very amusing.
Why is she here?

Well, it seems I've put on
a few pounds since last year...

so she brought me my new suit.

I do some work with the Salvation Army.
We work as a team actually.

Is there a problem?

- Not at all.
- But?

Not that I've been doing
background checks...

but I have a friend who evidently knows
an old friend of yours, and...

- And?
- You once cohabited with a little person.

Two lovely years.
I lived with her for three.

Do you have a thing for little women?

I have a thing for women.

You've never fallen
for someone shorter than you?

Well, I believe
I'm involved with one now.

Either you're mistaken
or I'm jealous.

It's just very difficult to reconcile
being drawn to a person...

I consider, well, repugnant.

Oh, you think you're the first good girl
to fall for a bad boy?

Is my problem annoying you?

No. I'm sorry.

L... I just meant to convey
it's very common...

for women to be attracted
to men they don't admire.

What could be at play here...
there are qualities in yourself you don't like...

or qualities about Alan Shore
you wish you had.

That isn't it.
I like myself just fine.

I saw that.

Uh... Look.

This is not a great day for me.
Perhaps we should reschedule?

Okay.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Could I speak to you as a lawyer?

Uh, sure.

But you're gonna have to face
the little clock towards me.

This is all privileged, right?
Lawyer-client?

Of course.

Look, I have a patient...

who's been with me
for almost four years now.

And he, um...

he habitually speaks of fantasies...

things he plans to do.

They're typically idle ruminations...

I suppose make him feel better.

Lately he's been talking
about murdering his ex-wife.

And at first I thought,
harmless chatter again.

But there seems to be such a resolve.

I can't be sure
that it isn't real this time.

This man may very well
be planning to kill his ex-wife...

and I'm just not sure what to do.

I just like wearing
women's clothes sometimes.

It's not a sexual turn-on.

It just feels right sometimes.

So, basically, you're a sicko?

- I'm not sick.
- Lighten up, man.

So, what, you got caught in a skirt,
and that was it?

My employer found out,
and, yes, I got fired.

They asked me a lot of questions,
like whether I'm gay.

Are you?

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Yes. But that does not
make me an unfit Santa.

- Criminal record?
- No. No, no, no. And there's never been any incident.

I have been a good Santa for eight years.

A great Santa.
I can show you the letters.

There are kids and families
who have specifically come back for me.

And I thought, this is wrong.

I should not lose my job
because of how I like to dress.

Does he know you taped him?

No. I'm just full of ethical violations.

It's important that I do it with my hands.
I don't know why.

You could probably tell me why.

But see, the thing is...

I don't want to shoot her
or poison her...

or hit her with a car.

No, it needs to be by strangulation.

Do you have any guess as to why?

Well, for one, I actually want to feel
the life going out ofher.

I mean, with my hands,
I want to feel her body go limp.

Also, I want her to experience it.

I want her to know that she's dying.

And I want to see her eyes as I do it.

And how do you know
that this isn't just talk?

I keep telling you, I don't know.
He's often fantasized.

Last year he spoke ofblowing up his boss.
But his demeanor here...

As I said, there's a certain resolve
that really concerns me.

- Have you shown this to any other therapists or...
- No. No, no.

I'm the only one who can make that call.

And your call is it's possible
he's going to do it?

Do I tell the ex-wife?

Well, I'm sure you know
the law on this as well as I do.

You have a duty to warn the victim
if you're certain she's in physical danger.

But falling short of being certain?

You honor doctor-patient privilege.

This just seems crazy to me.

I mean,
which side is better to err on?

A trial today?

Well, it's not exactly a trial.
It's an evidentiary hearing.

- But I'd need to testify?
- It's the only way you can get a restraining order.

We'll lose the dress, by the way.
Coat and tie.

Alan, excellent!
Alan, Gil Furnald. Alan Shore.

Turns out that my Santa Claus...

is a sort of cross-dressing sicko.

- He's more... you.
- He is absolutely more me, Denny.

But, unfortunately, my schedule...

Alan, I have trouble
with this sort of subject matter.

- You're homophobic.
- It's not that.

What is it then?

It's my father.

Sometimes he wore dresses.

He called it a kilt and sang
all those Scottish songs, but we knew.

Please, the hearing's at 2:00.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Sally.

Could I trouble you to do
a quick background check?

I realize we haven't spoken much
since we stopped having sex...

and, frankly, I'm dismayed by that.

But what I need to know is everything
you can find out about my new client.

Here's his name, address, Social Security...

Is it true you're taking over
the Santa case?

Yes, I am, Bradley.
Is it of interest to you?

No, but it could be...

if we, say, bet on it.

Another wager.

- Why not?
- And would you already have stakes in mind?

I keep thinking about your elf.

How about if you win,
I become your elf for the day...

but if you lose, you become mine?

Complete with a costume, of course.

- And bells.
- Oh, can't leave out the bells.

Alan? Hey. Can I steal you for a second?

A second?
A minute I could maybe do...

but a second would be pushing it.

Would you like me to push it?

You are so disgustingly vulgar.
It's important.

- This is Dr. Konigsberg. Alan Shore.
- Hello.

Ohh. Alan Shore.

Uh, Dr. Konigsberg has a patient
who talks about killing his ex-wife...

and could be serious about it.

"Could" is the operative word.
I can't be sure.

Obviously there are
some exposure problems.

If the guy does do it, and it was learned
Dr. Konigsberg knew of the risks beforehand...

The first thing I'd check
is his malpractice policy.

- You don't want to do anything to void coverage.
- I have done that already.

- What's your specialty?
- Couples counseling.

I first saw the client and his wife. Since the
divorce, I've been working with him alone.

So they came to you to improve their relationship,
and now one wants to kill the other.

Not your best work, was it, Doctor?

And you're seeing Dr. Konigsberg for what?

Uh, just to deal with the...

As a lawyer. He hired me.

He's a very mischievous man.

Look, can we stick to the case, folks?

Since the proposed victim was or is a patient,
you've got real duty problems.

If the threat is real
and you don't tell her...

But I can't be sure it's real,
which means my duty is to the patient.

Can you have another therapist meet with him,
perhaps get an objective opinion?

I tried. No therapist will go near it
for fear of potential liability.

If it were me, I'd meet with him myself,
pretending to be one of your colleagues.

- That's hardly an option.
- Why? You need objectivity...

You can't go there
pretending to be a doctor.

Of course I can't, because I'm in trial.
But you can do it.

- Oh, sure. And get disbarred?
- I'd likely lose my license.

Oh, well, silly me.
I was thinking about the ex-wife.

If it's merely a bar card and a medical license
you're looking to preserve...

you first opine to Lori
that you're not at all convinced...

the man intends to follow through
on his threats.

Then you draft an opinion letter to the doctor
telling him he need not disclose.

Your asses will be covered, and everybody's
happy, assuming you like your asses covered.

Personally, I love the feel of a stiffbreeze
against my rosy cheeks.

In any event,
pardon my misunderstanding.

I thought it was potentially
human life at stake.

Oh. Excuse me. Sylvia.

- What do you want now?
- Why do you always think I want something?

Why couldn't I want to see the smiling face
of the prettiest girl in the clerk's office?

- What do you want, Brad?
- I need a small favor... tiny.

- Mmm.
- But first, please, can I see that smile?

- God.
- If I were 10 years younger.

Or 10 years older. What's the favor?

There's a motion scheduled
for this afternoon...

Furnald versus Gordon's department store.

A lawyer named Alan Shore is seeking
injunctive relief, unlawful discharge.

I need this case to fall
in Judge Hingham's docket.

Judge Hingham?
Why would you want him?

Because he's just right for this one.

Exactly what kind of case is this?

A ho-mo-sexual?

That's where we're at now?

Santa Clauses being played
by ho-mo-sexuals?

I believe "homosexual"
is one word, Judge.

But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay."

Let's say "transvestite"
because that was the stated reason...

Well, if dress code is the issue,
my client promises to comply with...

A ho-mo-sexual transvestite?

You want me to allow children
to sit in his lap?

- Exactly.
- Oh, boy.

Gordon's department store certainly supports
Mr. Furnald's right to choose who or what he...

That's a lie. You fired him
as soon as he told you he was gay.

No, we fired him for cross-dressing,
which is considered a fetish.

He's played Santa for eight years
without incident.

In fact, he's received glowing praise
from both parents and employers.

- Would you sit in his lap?
- Sure. Why not?

And he hasn't gone Homo erectus on me,
if that was your fear.

You're making entendres.

Disgusting, sick innuendo entendres.

I'm not going to put an innocent child
in the lap of an unnatural Santa Claus...

who dresses in female attire.

There is a sanctity
to the tradition of Christmas.

It is perhaps the most sanctimonious
holiday there is.

Then clearly you should be
its poster boy.

Motion for T.R.O. Denied.

I'd at least like an evidentiary hearing
so that I may present...

Denied! Denied, denied, denied.

Why'd you do that?
You antagonized him.

Actually, he antagonized me.

This job means something to me,
Mr. Shore.

- Your Honor...
- I have made my ruling.

Yes, based on what you think my client is
or what the defense has presented him to be.

I ask you to at least hear from him
before you take away his livelihood.

Ten minutes as to why he'd make
a good Santa. Please.

I'll give you 10 minutes.
Five for direct, five for cross.

- I don't understand why she's here.
- I explained it, Brian.

When a patient makes a credible
threat to commit violence...

my colleague is here to observe
because I may need counsel.

Why? You should've told me this before.

Brian, would you tell Dr. Harper
why you want to kill your ex-wife?

I have no intention of killing her.

- You don't?
- Of course not.

Murder is illegal in Massachusetts.

So when you were saying these things
to Dr. Konigsberg...

I never said them.
Dr. Konigsberg is mistaken.

I also have absolutely no intention
of paying for two therapists.

Good-bye.

Clearly, he's a little hostile.

He's angry over you being here,
and I can't say that I blame him.

Well, I don't know if there's enough
to go to the police...

but I think you should
at least tell his ex-wife.

- Will you go with me?
- Me?

I'm about to break privilege,
and I could very well be sued for it.

This is treacherous ground,
and I would like my lawyer present.

So, please, do this with me.

I'm afraid my words
are having little impact.

- Yours will have to.
- Okay.

You said this job means something to you,
and you seemed rather impassioned.

- I am.
- You have a college education, Mr. Furnald.

You do well in your computer job.

Why is this part-time employment
so important?

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

I suppose...

as a kid... a gay kid
who liked to wear dresses...

That club is very small, by the way.

Most cross-dressers are heterosexual.

Anyway, um...

as a kid who...

felt like he didn't belong anywhere...

I would throw myself
into all the make-believe...

that goes with Christmas.

Hmm. As safe retreats go...

I suppose it helped me survive...

and it still does.

Shall I say that tomorrow?

Say all of it.

Would you tell?

I don't know.

I mean, if it's a fantasy...

What if it's not?

The benefit of the doubt
has to go to privilege.

Even when the downside is death?

I'm not saying that it's an easy call.

- He got a hearing.
- Sorry?

Shore. The cross-dressing Santa Claus.
He actually got a hearing.

Don't you think you're taking
this bet thing a little too far?

I'm not making a big deal about this.
I'm just making conversation here.

Brad, you don't like Alan, do you?

I don't give the guy a thought
one way or the other.

Can I say something to you as a friend?

You've seemed kind of knotted up
ever since he got here.

It might help you if you just
let your feelings out a little.

Come on. It's late at night.
You're having a beer with a buddy.

Tell me how you feel about Alan Shore.

- I don't like him.
- You can go deeper than that. What do you feel, Brad?

- I hate him. He mocks me.
- Deeper.

- He mocks our commander in chief.
- Deeper.

He's got a putty ass
and a flabby body...

and I can't understand why women
would rather sleep with him than me.

- There. It's out.
- And that includes you, by the way.

First of all,
I don't sleep with colleagues.

- You're ducking the issue.
- I am not.

I have no interest in ducking
either one of you.

We've gone deep enough.

I really need to win this bet.

According to employees at Gordon's,
Gil Furnald gets nothing but raves as Santa.

Oh, come on.
Would you sit in his lap?

Why does everybody keep asking me that?

Tough break drawing Judge Hingham.

Who'd ever imagine that?

Brad?

Did you have something to do
with my drawing Judge Hingham?

That would be dirty pool.

I actually want to
feel the life going out of her.

I mean, with my hands,
I want to feel her body go limp.

Also, I want her to experience it.

I want her to know that she's dying.

And I don't want it to be instant.

I want her to actually have the thought,
"My God. He's killing me."

And I want to see her eyes as I do it.

What's happened to him?

Let me reiterate.

He's talked like this before without ever
going through with it, obviously.

Many people fantasize.

For him to even speak this way...
This is not Brian. He is a docile person.

I realize that.
This might also simply be talk.

Safe talk that allows him to feel strong.

Sometimes the weaker
the person's constitution...

Is he going to kill me?

Mary, I'm here because I don't know.
I really don't think so.

But you are the one person
that knows him better than I do.

I've never heard him talk like this, ever.

Did you tell the police?

Uh, it's tricky, Mrs. Stevens.

This is doctor-patient privilege stuff.
We shouldn't even be telling you this.

He plans to kill me, for God's sake!

Which is why we are telling you,
on the possibility that these threats are...

- I'm calling the police.
- I'm not sure that they could do anything at this point.

I mean, they certainly can't arrest him
for things he told a therapist in confidence.

What I would suggest...

Let Dr. Konigsberg continue
to monitor the situation.

He's seeing your ex-husband every day.

If things progress further,
we will call the police.

In the meantime,
maybe you could stay with a friend.

I have animals. I can't...

Or get a friend to stay with you.

I've been sitting in that chair
as Santa for eight years...

and I've been an exemplary Santa.

People will tell you,
even if they don't shop at Gordon's...

they come to see me.

For how many of those eight years
have you been dressing as a woman?

All of them.

And in all this time, had your cross-dressing
ever been an issue at work?

No. I was always in the Santa costume.
People never even knew.

It was always my intention
to keep my worlds separate.

So it's been my secret.

But your secret got out.

Last week I had a boy in my lap...
eight years old.

I asked him
what he wanted for Christmas.

He said,
"Santa, please make me normal."

He was starting to cry as he said it.

- He said, "Make me normal"?
- Yes.

He said, um... He said he was sick.

He said that he liked
to wear girls' clothes...

and he was sure he'd go to hell.

And I said...

"Son, you're not alone...

and you're not sick."

And I told him about me.

Thank you, sir.

So while on the job...

you told an eight-year-old boy
that Santa is a cross-dresser?

Yes.

- Did thejudge rule?
- No.

Miraculously, I persuaded him
to let me give a final statement...

though I have no idea what to say.

The fact that he told a child
he's a cross-dresser...

I never should've put him
on the stand.

I've got to somehow
make this a gay issue.

Personally, I think you'll look
very sexy in the elf outfit.

I have no doubt. Yet I don't want to lose.
I've grown attached to this Santa.

Brad seems pretty happy.
Does he have reason?

Denny, you said if I ever had another
Hail Mary emergency, you'd make the call.

- Really? Are you sure?
- I need you to make the call.

- And what's this about?
- It's extremely delicate.

Though privilege typically extends
to the whole firm...

I have assured him that this would
go no further than you and me.

Okay.

Meet Brian Stevens.
Brian, this is the attorney I...

- What's going on?
- This is your client?

- You're an attorney?
- Um, yes.

- You said you were a doctor.
- What the hell is going on?

Uh, Paul, we have a conflict.

I represent the therapist
who is treating Mr. Stevens.

She's the one who went to my ex-wife.

She's the one who told Mary
I planned on killing her.

She pretended to be a doctor.

He can see you for about five minutes.
After that, his day is completely...

- Five minutes is more than enough.
- You can go in.

Thank you.

Thank you so much
for agreeing to see me.

My name is Alan Shore, and...

Go.

My name is Alan Shore.
Perhaps you'll remember...

Everyone has a name, son.

I'm not interested in yours.

You have five minutes
because you know him.

Bill Clinton?

Ah. Well, you'll remember,
at the behest of Mr. Crane...

you made an appearance
in one of my cases...

involving an African-American
Little Orphan Annie.

And you were extremely effective.

"Give us a black Spider-Man.

Give us a black Superman who can
leap tall buildings." All the big icons.

Now I have another case featuring a gay man
who's being discriminated against.

And this one involves
the biggest icon of them all...

Santa Claus.

My problem is the judge.

His tiny brain has been calcified
by intolerance.

However, he's certainly a slave
to public opinion, as judges tend to be.

But I can't really move the public.
You can.

- Do you understand what I'm asking?
- You want me to be your rabbit.

I want you to be Reverend Al Sharpton
in all his massive glory.

I want you to charge in there, say...

"Give us a gay Santa Claus,"
and button it with three "God almighties!"

Stop.

I don't do things big. I'm subtle.

Yes. Three "God almighties."

Look, I've written it all out for you.

Give that a look-see.

I've seen you move mountains,
Reverend.

I need you to move
this one tiny-brained judge.

Please.

Pretty please.

Denny Crane.

- You got to Sharpton?
- I don't know. He said he'd think about it.

Does he just do this kind of thing now
for lawyers?

He does it for Denny.
Let's hope he does it for me.

All set?

You don't want me
to miss the ruling, do you?

Got the costume.

My God.

To impersonate a doctor.

I thought a human life was at stake,
and I didn't...

It doesn't matter, Lori.

You're suddenly gonna start
playing Solomon and break rules...

sacred rules...
whenever you see fit?

I could be disbarred for this.

You? Why?

For not turning you in.

I'm sorry, Paul. I just... I'm sorry.

I think it's this Alan Shore character.
Ever since he got here...

This has nothing to do with Alan Shore.
I'm not influenced by him.

You used to be influenced by me.

Tell me what you want me to do.
I'll resign if you...

Just tell me what you want.

First, I want you to apologize
to Mr. Stevens.

- I did that.
- Well, you need to do it again.

And hope to God he doesn't sue us.

How long have you known this man, Paul?

Years. Only through work.

But he doesn't strike me as being capable
of violence, if that's what you're asking.

I'll get him back in here.

And on the chance
that he could be violent...

when you apologize,
I will be in the room.

And for the sake of humoring me...

let's stay completely away
from Alan Shore.

What's all the media doing here?

I have no idea.

All rise.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

We're 10 minutes early.

Please be seated.

Mr. Phillips, have you got anything to say
before I listen to him?

Mr. Furnald was fired mainly
because my clients feared...

he'd share his secret proclivity
with a child...

which, by his own testimony,
is exactly what he did.

I object to that summation.
It was entirely too short.

- What?
- I'm only worried for you, Your Honor.

If you're inclined to rule against us...

he's got to at least give you
a good argument to hang your hat on...

so it looks good to all this media.

Did you notice the media here?

Are you on drugs?
You've got 30 seconds.

That's what I was afraid of.

Your Honor, the child in question,
whom my client shared his secret with...

that child was in pain.

Being a good Santa Claus,
Gil Furnald sought to relieve that pain.

By telling him he was a ho-mo-sexual.

Those three little words again.

He did not tell the boy he was gay.

He only said that he also liked
to dress in female attire.

- Why does he keep looking back here?
- I have no idea.

He encouraged the boy not
to feel that he was sick.

He urged him not to feel alone.

It was a one-time occurrence strictly intended
to speak to the heart of this one child.

There is no evidence that this man
has committed any wrongdoing...

nor is there any compelling evidence
that cross-dressers are inherently lascivious...

and the defendant knows that.

Cross-dressing is but a pretext
that the defendant has hung its hat on...

to disguise the fact that Gil Furnald
was terminated because he is gay.

Last time I checked, it was not a firing offense
for a civilian to be either ho, mo or sexual.

All right already. I've heard enough.
I'm going to rule on this.

- You can't rule yet.
- Why not?

I don't know. Well...

What if, say, some big celebrity were
to come charging through the door?

- Sorry I'm late, Judge. I'll make this quick.
- And subtle.

Who the hell are you?

The image of Santa Claus
has been crafted...

for hundreds and hundreds
and hundreds of years...

but we're supposed to be
in a different day.

Give the world a black Santa Claus.

Let the people have an African-American
come down the chimney...

bearing joy and good will.

Gay, not black.

The prejudice against gay people
must stop.

We all say we're for gay rights.

We all say we accept homosexuality.

But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap...

- Who is this man?
- Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas.

Let people open their minds as they
open their presents underneath the tree.

We need your mind, Judge, today.

Let the gay man be my brother,
be your brother...

be the schoolteacher,
be the construction worker!

Give the world a gay Santa Claus!

God almighty, God almighty,
God almighty!

Leave out the cookies and the milk
this Christmas Eve...

for a holly, jolly homosexual!

- God almighty.
- And cut.

- I threw in one extra.
- Thank you.

One of the reasons why I've been
such an even-tempered businessman...

is because I've been able
to find an outlet.

A safe, confidential outlet
with my therapist.

But you must admit, threatening
to kill your ex-wife like this, it isn't...

Miss Colson,
I've been in therapy since I was 16.

I spent most of those sessions
planning on how to kill my father.

They're rants.
They help me get the anger out.

This is gonna ruin me.

Mary acts on hysteria.

She's gonna panic,
and this is going to get out.

Let us talk to Mary.
Perhaps we can settle her down.

I'll lose my job if this goes public.

Let us try to unring this bell a little.

Okay.

- We need to fix this.
- How?

We go to the wife, and we explain
that you overreacted.

She saw the tape for herself, Paul.
It's not gonna...

We further explain that people say things
to their therapists that sometimes...

We did that.

- Well, we'll do it again. Where does she live?
- Weston.

Well, we'll leave here at 5:00.

I don't want to talk about it.

You won.

Judge Hingham, whore that he is, bowed
to public sentiment, reinstated Gil as Santa.

And if you don't mind, I would like
to get back to work as soon as I can.

Could I steal you
for just a minute, in private?

Sure.

Listen. Uh, thank you.

Not just for getting my job back.

But, well, it's not often
that you meet a lawyer...

with a soft spot for cross-dressers.

Now you have, Mr. Furnald.
It wasn't that so much.

It's just from everything I've heard,
you are a magnificent Santa Claus.

- Thank you.
- You're quite welcome.

I guess you should take the lead
with her since you know her.

Yeah. I also know her lawyer.

All I can say is I hope she
hasn't contacted him yet...

'cause if he should get ahold of this...

What the...

Oh, dear God, no.

- What happened?
- Homicide. The ex-husband just showed up and...

Where is he? He's represented.

- I don't think a lawyer's gonna help him, counsel.
- I want to speak with him.

I don't think that's gonna happen either.
He's over there.

Wh... What happened?

He showed up.
She says he came here to kill her.

Says she fired in self-defense.

Mary?

Am I gonna need a lawyer?

What happened?

He showed up...

said we needed to talk.

I didn't trust it, you know,
after what I saw on that tape.

I got the gun out of the drawer,
told him to leave.

He said he just wanted to talk.

I told him, "Get out."

And then he started walking toward me.

And you shot him.

He was gonna kill me, right?

You told me.

He was gonna strangle me.

Promise me I had to do it.

Promise me!