Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 2, Episode 4 - One for You, One for Me - full transcript

HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP: And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.



HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪



♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ooh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Okay, colleagues. This, uh,

meeting of the board of
directors of 60 Seconds Street

is now called to
order. (bangs gavel)

Cut! Cut!

All right, Henry,
that was all right,

but could we just try it
with a little bit more energy?

Whoa! He's got
it at the 20, 10...

The Browns score
with relative ease.

Aah!

Children, is it absolutely
impossible for you to behave

in a business-like manner
for even one minute?

(sighs)

Oh, God. This gloss
is simply sensational.

Amy, pan to me.

I am like a fine wine, aren't I?

All right, calm down,
Blue Nun, will you?

This meeting's
still... Still in order.

Amy, would you read the minutes

from the last meeting, please?

The minutes from
the previous meeting.

(clears throat)

There are no minutes.
This is our first meeting.

Any additions or corrections?

Heh. No. All right, then
I think we'll move along

to the matter of Mr. Wilson's
business receipts.

Yes. Whoo!
Professional wrestling!

Battle royal!

Kip... Hey, ref, ref!

Señor Evil's got a roll
of nickels in his mask.

Kip... Fire him.

Come on. Fire him.

We'll come back to this before
the lady midgets come out.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Oh, Kip, excuse me.

Uh, just what is this exactly?

Three hundred and fifty
dollars for season tickets?

Well, now, Ruth,

some of our clients happen
to be avid sports fans.

Yeah. This is for
female mud wrestling...

at Julio's... Mudison
Square Garden.

W... Well, um... these, uh...

The... They were
excellent tickets. Mm-hm.

You got to hose
down the strippers...

Uh, the athletes.

This is disgusting!

And it's immoral.

And you didn't even invite me.

Amy, can we get
a close-up on this?

Ooh. I love zooming.

I... Is there a point to
this, Mr. Chair Head?

Y... Yes, uh, excuse
me. Uh, correct me...

Correct me if I'm wrong. I...

I believe, uh, Mr. Chair
Head is intimating that you,

Mr. Mud Head... (clears throat)

are making, uh, uh,

inappropriate use of
our company's funds.

Oh, all right. Then
let's just take a look

at some of Henry's
receipts, huh?

Ah-ha!

Seven hundred simoleons, huh?

Let's see you worm
your way out of that one,

Mr. Chair Sucker.

All right.

You know that $3,000
video recorder I just bought?

I paid $700 for it
at a swap meet.

Now, that, my little
mud puppy, is shopping.

Okay. I would like
to move a motion.

(clears throat)

Mr. Chairman... America...

I move that Henry
Desmond's name be placed

as nomination as controller
of all the company funds.

Yes. Uh, I second that motion.

Motion's been made and
seconded. All in favor, say "aye."

ALL: Aye.

Aye. The ayes have it.
I win. That's a mandate.

So now, uh... So
now, Mr. Chair Face

has control of our funds, huh?

I don't have anything
to say about this?

RUTH: Yes. I am
being mistreated here.

Why don't you just line me up
against the wall and shoot me?

All those in favor, say "aye."

Aye. Aye. Aye.

I have three motions to make.

(imitates Three Stooges)

All right. Let's try
this meeting again...

( upbeat theme playing)

Now, you see,
this would be great.

Look... Look, Sonny.
Uh, uh, me, you,

a weekend with the snow.

Look, here is our cabin

overlooking scenic Mount Woosie.

Ooh...

But Kip... (scoffs)

There's only one bed.

There's only one bed.

I am shocked.

I am shocked and, uh... Well,

we'll just show
those sex-mongers.

We'll just go up there
and we'll prove to them

that just because two
people are sleeping together

doesn't mean that they're...

sleeping together.

I sleep buck-naked.
How about you?

Kip.

Do you want to turn our
relationship into something

that's based on
cheap and sordid sex?

Stupid question, huh?

Cheap sex. Cheap sex.

I'll have you know, I-I
spent an extra 20 bucks

to get a mirror over the bed.

Chicken.

No, I'm not chicken, Kip.

It's just... I... It's...

It's just too early
in our relationship.

♪ Here are some Valkyries ♪

♪ There are some Valkyries ♪

♪ Where are my Valkyries? ♪

♪ They're flying around ♪

Hey.

Who the hell stole my chicken?

Kip, you told me
this was your chicken.

I told you it was our chicken.

It's my chicken, Wilson.

You know, you really
steam me, buddy.

Last week you
eat my fish sticks.

This week, my chicken. How
come you're not eating my pizza?

'Cause I ate the
pizza for breakfast.

Um... I'll talk to
you later, okay?

Henry, I'm really sorry.
I didn't have any idea.

I mean, the last thing
that I would want to do

is come between a
man and his chicken.

I know. You're
that kind of girl.

Bye. I'm sorry.

Well, at least
someone around here

shows a little sensitivity.

Henry. What are you so
upset about over a chicken?

You want another chicken,

I'll buy you another chicken.

Can I borrow 5
bucks? (slaps thigh)

That's it. You know,
Wilson, at work,

you're nothing but
irresponsible and frivolous.

And at home you're all of
the same, and you're a pig!

Well, I'm putting my foot down.

From now on,
what's yours is yours,

and what's mine is mine.

An "H" on my milk... okay?

Here we go. An "H"
on my tuna salad.

Here. I'll put a
"K" on your peach.

I'll thank you not to write
on my produce, please.

I'll put a "K" on
your... Special K.

Well, it's not really necessary.

I'll underline it.

Heh!

And since you want it this way,

you're gonna have to keep
your hands off my Victrola.

Fine. All right.

And... since we're at it,

I'm getting a little tired

of seeing your underwear
drying from the shower rod.

Mine? You have problems
with my underwear?

Well, at least my underwear

occasionally sees some soap!

You sow!

Ah. Gross!

I only wore these once.

When? During all-filth week?

Ah! Gross!

Ah. Give me back my socks, huh?

That is sock. Socks!

Sock! Socks!

This one's mine,
this one's yours.

Hand it over, buddy.
Come on, let's have it!

Would you guys hold it
down? I'm reading my Cosmo.

I can't concentrate on the quiz.

Are you sure this is
the way you want it?

Yeah, this is the way I want it.

Fine. So be it. That's my towel.

Oh! Gross!

( easy-rock theme playing)

Look out for that Saint Bernard.

(grunts)

Look out for that kid
with the broken leg.

Ho. Ha-ha.

Hey... Henry.

How's things on the
Poma lift, uh? Heh.

Hey! Donner Party!

Bon appétit.

Watch this, Henry.

"The agony of defeat."

Great. My business partner.

Downhill moron.

Wait. I hear a distant rumbling.

What could that... Oh, no.

Avalanche!

(claps once)

(laughs)

(claps once)

(sniffs)

Pure horse. Book him, Danno.

Hey, uh... look, McGarrett.

I got this week's
salary for you, $275.

Oh, thanks.

L-listen, uh, Henry...

this is kind of a... A
big weekend for me.

Could I have a little advance?
Some extra scratch? Uh...

You know, suppose I
wanna take a dogsled ride?

Well, what do I tip
the head malamute?

Let 'em eat your
foot. I don't care.

Look, you and I are
strictly business, buddy.

From now on, you don't
get anything from me,

and I don't need
anything from you.

Hi, guys.

HENRY: Hey, Sonny.

KIP: Hi.

Hi.

Oh, Kip, I just know
I forgot something.

I just know it.

Oh.

I did.

I forgot all my Doobie
Brother albums.

That's all right. We... We
don't have a record player.

Yes, we do.

It's in the bag right
next to the hibachi.

Great. We'll pick up some
briquettes on the way.

We'll see you, Henry.

Break a leg, you guys. Yeah.

Have a nice weekend, Henry.

Yeah, you too. Take it easy.

All right.

Here, Kip, let me help you.

No, that's all
right. I've got it.

Let me help you.
I've got it, Sonny!

I've got... What are you...?

(crashing)

Oh, Kip.

Please don't tell me you
broke my popcorn popper.

Crazy kids. Heh.

Well... (claps once)

time to put together
this video recorder.

Heh.

Old Betsy.

Nah. She's Japanese.

Old maguro Betsy-san. Herro.

(chuckles)

Easy enough to assemble.

Oh. Looks like R2-D2 threw up.

Good evening.

Oh, hello, officer.
Nice to see you here.

Uh, anything I can do for you?

Yes, if your name
is Henry Desmond.

Why do I feel like I
should make a break for it?

(laughs)

It's the uniform. (laughs)

Uh, did you happen to
send in a warranty slip

for said unit?

Uh, yes. I always do.
It's my responsibility

as a conscientious consumer.

Well, my little ombudsman...

you happen to have
sent in a warranty slip

on a hot machine.

You're under arrest for
accepting stolen goods.

Well, uh... Uh, all right,
I plan to cooperate fully,

but j-just don't call
my mom, all right?

You have the right
to remain silent...

I'll spill my guts. Just
don't call my mom.

Anything you say can and
will be used against you...

( easy-rock theme playing)

(grunts)

You flinched, man.

I get another.

All right, guys, knock it off.

I brought you a new roomie.

Uh, excuse me.
Officer, listen, uh,

don't you have a
cell for beginners?

Don't worry, they're
just a little wired

from the shootout.

Listen, officer, I'm
an innocent guy.

People are coming to
bail me out any minute.

Can't you just chain
me to the desk?

If anything happens, I'll
be back right after my break.

Yeah, well, you can't leave
me in here with these, uh...

fine gentlemen.

Hey.

If he's dead when I get back...

and I have to do
the paperwork...

you're in a lot of trouble.

Hey, blondie.

Welcome... to the cage.

You can call my mom now.

Hmph.

I'm Henry Desmond.

Out on the street
they call me...

"The Bull."

Yeah?

Well, they call
me "The Matador."

Well, my friends
just call me Hank.

What should we call you?

Ha-ha. Whatever's
copacetic. Heh.

Bull's cool.

This is my main man, Jay.

Hey, Jay.

And my name... is Rochelle.

(laughs): You're
kidding. "Rochelle."

Hey, man. Hey, it's a
nice name, Rochelle.

It just reminds me of
an amusing anecdote

I heard when I was at Alcatraz.

They shut the Rock
down 20 years ago.

Yeah. I was on the
tour, Rochelle. Hm.

Mess him up. Hey.
Don't tell me what to do.

You're the one
with the sissy name.

You mess him up.

You don't talk to me
about messing up.

Now, you are the master mess-up.

Would it help any if I went in
the corner and messed myself up?

We pull a bank job,
and you run out of gas?

Well, with those EPA estimates,

your highway mileage
may differ. Hey...

Hey, you say it a little louder.

Maybe the judge will hear you.

I say, with those
EPA est... Shut up!

Our picture's in the paper.

I mean, everybody in
the savings and loan

is spread eagle on the floor.

I'm backing out...

looking for the getaway car,

and you walk by with
an empty gas can?

Man, I'll kill you.

All right, that's enough!
Any more of this,

and The Bull's
gonna start snorting.

It's just a metaphor.

"Whatta" for?

Just so happens
I'm in here for...

trafficking in stolen goods.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay, Bull.

I mean...

it's not like you
killed somebody,

but... it's a start.

Desmond, you got some visitors.

Oh, great. Henry.

Oh. Henry.

Hi, Isabelle. Did you...?

Hey.

I hope this is a conjugal visit.

What are you in here for?

Stealing Isaac Hayes' head?

That woman got some fire in her.

Oh!

Oh, my poor baby!

Did they beat you?

Or worse?

Are you nuts?

(scoffs)

These guys would
have to have cow brains

to mess with The
Bull. (snickers)

We didn't get the bail.
(whispers): You didn't?

Amy, Isabelle, I'd like you to
meet my two dearest friends,

Jay... Rochelle.

(laughing): Rochelle? (laughs)

Don't laugh. It's not funny.

Jay and Rochelle. (gasps)

Look, Henry, all the
banks were closed,

but Ruth is on her way.

Don't worry.

In the meantime, we
brought you some things.

Okay, here's your toothbrush.

Hey.

Toothpaste. Mmm.

Your favorite
chocolate-chip cookies.

We know you like those.

And your fuzzy pajamas.

Wow. Hey, this
feels like... rayon.

Chocolate chips,
toothpaste, a Py-Co-Pay?

Don't the kid floss?

Listen, lady, will you
leave them alone?

This is the cell.

RUTH: Well, uh... I don't know.

It's just like
visiting the pound.

I mean, I just want
to take them all home.

Oh. Henry, darling. Darling.

I'm sorry it took me so
long. Now, don't you worry.

I'm going to have you out
of here before you can say

"scared straight."

Now, officer, I have come
to bail this young boy out.

So, uh, to whom do I
make out this check?

Sorry, lady, we
don't take checks.

Oh. Well... all right.

I'll give you my
American Express card.

Just cash.

Are you mad? This
is the Gold Card.

All right. All
right, don't panic.

We'll just call Kip
at Mount Woosie.

No, you can't.

Why not? He's your best friend.

Absolutely not. We
made an agreement.

I give nothing to him,
he gives nothing to me.

I'd rather spend this
whole weekend in jail.

You're a fool. Tsk.

I can't believe him.

Henry... (sighs)

I don't care how long it takes.

I'm gonna wait for you.

Dirty screw!

Get your hands off me!

Hey, mama.

What's your sign?

Closed.

Mm.

You know, his head does shine,

but his body is fi-i-i-i-ine.

Whoo!

(exhales)

That... That girl, she's just...

right on it.

(snaps)

I feel like...

Dostoyevsky in...
debtor's prison.

You too?

( dramatic theme playing)

(grunts)

Ooh.

(sighs) Mm.

It was itchy anyway.

Hey, public idiot number one.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

(runs fingers over bars)

All right, Barney Fife...

I'm here to, um...

get the short kid
back out on the streets.

Hey. Kip, I told 'em not to
call you. I swear it, buddy.

You must be a
friend of The Bull.

"The Bull?"

(snorts)

Could I have your name?

You could, but it'd be
an incredible coincidence.

(laughing)

Wilson. Kip Amos.

Uh, what is this gonna run me?

Two hundred and fifty
dollars. But I'll be right with you,

Mr. Wilson. Thank you, officer.

(sarcastically):
New York's finest.

So... Bull...

learn to play the harmonica yet?

(laughs) Shh. Shh.

Shh, shh, shh. Don't
wake these guys up, okay?

Why, they got
school in the morning?

(laughs) Shh!

Hey, man.

I'm trying to get some sleep!

(baby-talk voice):
Oh, that's a poor baby.

Whoa!

Ha-ha!

Oh! Ho!

(panting)

Uh.

I see why they
have you in a cage.

(laughs)

Henry... aren't those
your rayon P.J.s?

Yes.

I traded them for my life!

Now, Rochelle, come
on, he's a buddy of mine...

(laughing): Rochelle?

Rochelle?

GUARD: All right. Back it off.

Back it off.

Hey, you know, Rochelle...

if you wore a turtleneck,

you could pass for
roll-on deodorant.

(laughs)

I'm s...

Come on, Henry,
let's get out of here.

I'm ready, buddy. No, no, Bull,

You're not coming out.

He's coming in.

(nervous laughter)

Say what?

We've been looking
for you, Mr. Wilson.

It seems that your name
was also on that warranty card

for the stolen property.

Well... B-but...
U-uh... Y... You... No...

Thanks a lot, Bull!

What are partners for?

Officer, uh, y-y-you
don't understand, uh...

I wasn't kidding when I
said "New York's finest."

You are. You are... Hey...

guess who's coming to dinner?

( easy rock theme playing)

You're all right, Kip. Yeah.

I'm really glad that we
didn't cut you. Well...

Hey, man. You
got more bull in you

than The Bull do. (laughs)

Hey, excuse us for a chorus.

I need a little
conference with this guy.

(clears throat)

What do you need, Bull?

Would you cut The Bull? (scoffs)

I don't understand why you would

leave a wonderful weekend

with Sonny to come
down here, bail out a guy

who treated you
like roach muffins.

Roach muffins?
Henry, this is prison.

You're allowed to swear.

(door closes)

Besides, I wouldn't leave
you in a place like this.

Even though you did
treat me like caca poo-poo.

All right, now I admit

I was a little irresponsible
with some company funds,

but, eh... Eh, don't make
up a bunch of rules about it.

If you got a problem,
talk to me, all right?

Yeah, you're right. I'm... Tsk.

Can't handle a friendship
like a business, that's for sure.

(scoffs) I'm sorry, buddy.

What are you d...?
Don't hug me in here!

All right, Mr. Wilson.

Your bail is set at $250.

Great!

Great. I've only got
250 bucks, Henry.

Only one of us
can get out of here.

Yeah, well...

You're the one who
sacrificed. You go.

Oh, no.

You stuck by a
buddy. You go. No.

Come on. You could be with
Sonny in a ski lodge. You go.

'Kay.

Hey, w... W-wait a
minute. Well, Ruth...

Ruth will be down with my
bail in the morning, so I...

Ah, don't worry about
me. You go on, you know.

I mean, what's the
worst that can happen?

Don't think about it.
It'll ruin your weekend.

Henry, I'll stay if
you really want me to.

No. Get out of here.

Good.

Besides this
place isn't that bad.

I understand Johnny Cash

is doing a gig here
tomorrow night.

( funky theme playing)

( mellow theme playing)

Well, all I have to say

is thank goodness they
caught the real thief.

Ho! What a fool.
Can you believe it?

One block from the
hospital, and he's unloading

stolen heart and lung machines.

(all laugh)

Well... it's good to be home.

It's good to have you back.

Thanks.

Nice touch tying
the yellow ribbon

around the old oak
tree out front. Mm.

Yeah. Really, that
was Izzy's idea.

I don't know, it just
popped into my head.

I spend 400 bucks on a
weekend in the mountain,

and what does Moose
Moss here want to do?

Ski!

( funky theme playing)

( upbeat jazz theme playing)