Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 2, Episode 16 - Who's on Thirst? - full transcript

HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.



HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪



♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ooh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

(wind howling)

Run.

Come on, get in. (gasps)

Get in! (gasps louder)

Come on. (gasps)

(both grunting and gasping)

Eh, this doesn't look like
the cabin in the brochure.

That's 'cause the cabin
in the brochure is in Utah.

Well, that explains
the Osmond family.

Look, you got pictures

of hot tubs and saunas in here.

That's false advertising.

You bet it is. That's
why you paid in advance.

All right, forget the
whole thing, Eddie.

Come on, we could
have been nibbling

on stewardesses
in Club Med by now.

Kipper, Kip Carson, hold on now.

We came up here
to write and paint

without any distractions.

Now, this is perfect.

Now, look, I'd love to
stay and chat with ya, but,

A, I don't like
either one of ya.

And, B, when it gets dark out,

it makes it that much harder
for me to run over rabbits.

We got the Sierra Club's
man of the year here.

Lord, I know. You
are gonna be back up

to pick us up in
five days, right?

Oh, sure, sure. Oh, by the way,

there's a $30 pickup fee.

Hey, no way, Jose. (laughs)

BOTH: Forget it.

Who do you think
you're talkin' to,

Norton and Kramden here?

If you don't come back
to get us, we could die.

(laughing): You could die.

Well, I'd say that makes
$30 one hell of a bargain.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

You bought breakfast. All right.

Twenty. Got it all there?

Yeah, 30 bucks.

There you go. All right.

There's plenty of
food here, right?

Oh, sure, the place
is well-stocked.

Ever since those
pain-in-the-can teenagers

starved to death last year.

(wind blowing)

Have a nice day!

May Big Foot make you his wife!

(engine revving)

(grunting)

Kip.

Yeah.

What?

Now, this may come
as a shock to you, Henry,

but, uh, I think that
Eddie guy may be a liar.

That's all the food
we have for five days?

Don't expect a tip, buddy!

Five cans of soup...

and a carton of
non-dairy coffee creamer

is all the food we
have for five days.

Looks like we got
the Dick Gregory suite.

Well, that settles it, Henry.

We're stealing towels.

Come on, Kip. It'll work out.

We came up here
to be creative, right?

Maybe what we need is a
little, you know, discomfort.

A little hardship. Maybe
that'll... put us in touch

with a part of us we've
never discovered before.

The dead part.

( upbeat theme playing)

Oh!

Ruth, isn't this exciting?

No.

You and I alone
together all week.

Amy, do you see that
I'm adding figures?

I want you to teach me
everything you know.

We have four and a half days.

Amy, fate has
placed us together.

Blind, unknowing,
indifferent fate.

Bite it, fate.

So, Ruth...

wanna sleep over
at my house tonight?

What...?

Oh, thank God, humans.

Hi.

So where's this little kitty

we're gonna be working with?

Yeah, I brought it some catnip.

(sniffs)

Ooh, this is good stuff.

I think it's gonna
be so much fun

working with a
little kitty all week.

Amy, darling,

I think you should be
the one that feeds the cat.

♪ I get to feed The kitty ♪

♪ I get to feed The kitty ♪

♪ I get to feed The ki... ♪

Hey, lady, where do
you want this tiger?

Um... Wyoming.

Isabelle, do something.

(growls)

What am I supposed to do?

Run him in circles until
he turns into butter?

(spoons clattering on dishes)

Boy, that mountain air really
gives you an appetite, huh?

(sighs)

Yeah, that and eating
4 ounces of food a day.

Four ounces.

(laughs)

Well, ahem, what do
you wanna do tonight?

Hey, I don't know.

Why don't we,
uh, just, uh, talk?

Great.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

You know, Kip, I
love ya like a niece...

(laughs)

but we've been
together almost every day

since third grade.

What's left to talk about?

(laughs)

You could tell me
just what happened

between you and my sister

in the garden shed at
"Monkey" Wards that time.

Nothing, uh... Uh,
nothing happened.

Nothing happened?

Henry, I heard you
kick-start something.

Then I heard my sister scream.

And then the entire
garden shed collapsed

and eight guys named Vern

dropped their Bandini
and went a-running.

Confess, Henry...
you soiled my sister.

No, I didn't... I
didn't soil anybody.

I was just teachin' her how
to start the weed whacker.

Forget about it.

Let's, uh... Let's talk
about something else.

Uh, what's that
you're whittlin'?

I'm whittling a stick to
roast marshmallows with.

And next I'm gonna
whittle some marshmallows.

You know somethin'?

Now's a good time to kinda...

lay back and relax and...

kind of examine the
true nature of man.

Aw, gee, Henry, not again.

Why do you always have to become

some sort of
pseudo-intellectual wimp, huh?

Can't we just talk
about the... The...

The Mets or the... The Rangers,

or chrome headers
and HEMI's, Okay.

Or something? Sure, fine.

Fine.

(laughs)

What is a...? What is a HEMI?

What, a HEMI?

Yeah.

Let's talk about sex.

Fits right in with my topic.

You know, a lot of men would say

that their greatest need is sex.

My greatest need is not sex.

Now, my sister would deny that.

I think man's greatest need...

is to create art.

Okay, let's take
a test, shall we?

Test. Question one.
Okay, fine. Right.

Which would you rather
do, make love or write?

Not fair. That's not fair.
No, that's absolutely f...

When was the last time
you spent 200 bucks

trying to get carbon paper
to come home with you, hm?

You got a point there.

All right, my test. Okay.

What would you rather do,

make love or paint something
to hang in the Louvre?

All right, now that's not fair.

Absolutely fair.
No, it is not fair.

'Cause you're talking
about a-a cheap w...

Eh... Uh... Look, it's late.

Why don't we discuss
the nature of man

in the morning, okay? Okay.

You may be right
though, about art.

I've created more
than a stick here.

I've created an albino snake.

What'd you carve?

A Maserati.

Vroom.

(clears throat)

Big deal, no tape deck.

It was stolen.

I'm going to bed.

Get the lights, would ya?

(grunts)

Oop.

(clears throat)

(yawns)

Eh, you gotta pull that out.

I guess so. Yeah.

(grunts)

Henry, this is not a sofa bed.

Well, looks like there's no
room for you on the couch.

Well, where am I
supposed to sleep?

Sleep in your Maserati.

I didn't carve a back seat.

Come on, we'll both
sleep on the couch.

Yeah, all right.

I guess that's
the only solution.

(sighs) (grunts)

It's not a very big
couch, is it? Well...

(both grunting and sighing)

(sighs)

(clears throat)

(sniffs)

AMY: Izzy, why...?

Why don't you pat the tiger?

(scoffs)

Your mama.

For heaven sakes,
he's chained down.

What do you think
he's going to do?

Sonny, please, do your job.

Pat the tiger.

Your mama.

Look, I wouldn't want to
make you nervous, miss,

but we are getting very close

to this tiger's feeding time.

Yeah, fine.

I'll go get you a quiche.

(chuckles)

Are you trying to tell me

that I'm in the room
with a hungry tiger?

RUTH: Yes.

Oh... no, I'm not.

Later, Ruth.

Don't sneak, don't sneak.

He doesn't like sneaking.

G... Girls.

Shirking your responsibilities.

Don't leave me alone with the...

H... Hello, I'm Ruth Dunbar.

(laughing nervously)

Oh, my, yes. Be good, darling.

Just stay... (whines)

Stay on your little chain.

Yes. Oh, oh, oh.

No, no, no, no...
No need to get up.

(chuckling): Oh. Oh, what...

What a perfect little gentleman.

Oh, why, why, mother?

(grunts) My, you've broken

your little chain.

(gasps)

Hello, darling.

Ooh, ooh, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Ah.

Uh...

Oh, my God... I've...

just let a tiger loose
in New York City.

I hope nothing happens to him.

(gasping)

( upbeat theme playing)

(exhales)

Well, ahem, I'm
beginning to see.

There's only one solution.

What, you're gonna hunt?

It's the nature of man.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. You're right.

Okay. I want you
to go out there.

I want you to track a deer.

Maybe a little fawn.

Soft brown eyes,
fluffy white tail...

maybe little spots on its rump.

Sitting next to his best friend,

Thumper the rabbit,

singing a happy forest song...

and then sink that
arrow right in his face.

Soup is good.

Sit down, killer.

(chuckling): Come on.

I'll, uh...

I'll get ya a glass
of water, huh?

(laughs)

You're an imaginative guy...

pretend it's a veal cutlet.

(Henry laughs)

Uh, maybe I'll write a poem

about veal, huh?

(laughs)

Veal, veal, Thither and yon.

Some like piccata,
Some, Parmesan.

Uh, I think the
pipes are frozen.

We're not getting any water.

What do you mean,
no water? Well,

no water is coming out.

Um, the... The pipes
must be frozen or jammed.

Well,

man can really only live
without liquid for three days.

(laughs)

Come on, Henry, calm down.

Nobody's gonna die.

No... at first you don't die.

At first your tongue

swells up the size of your fist.

(gasps)

Then you get all
cracked and parched...

Henry, th... This isn't helping.

And all your
bodily fluids dry up,

and your lips get
really chapped!

All we have for
the next three days

is that one carton
of non-dairy creamer.

Give me the creamer.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is my non-dairy
creamer. My...

One more step and this
non-dairy creamer is dead meat.

No, come on.

Kip, be reasonable.

Give me the creamer
and I'll be really nice!

Think I'm some kind of a fool?

(laughing)

Put that down!

It's loaded!

I know it's loaded, buddy!

What do you think I am, nuts!?

Huh!?

You think I'm gonna wind
up out there in the snow, huh!?

Lying out there,

face dead out there
in the snow, huh!?

With nothing but snow on me,

with snow on my
legs and other parts,

just wetness and snow and stuff!

BOTH: Snow.

Melt snow and it turns into...

Turns into... BOTH: water.

(laughing)

"And stuff."

That was so funny.

(both laugh)

All that over a carton
of non-dairy creamer.

Oh, yeah, just imagine.

You were going to kill me.

Well, only 'cause you
took the non-dairy creamer.

You were gonna let
me die of thirst first.

Okay, I'm sorry I was
gonna let you die of thirst.

First.

Sorry I almost shot you.

(low voice): Forget it.

Broken arrow.

(both laugh)

Want half?

Sure, I'll trade ya.

Boy.

Talk about the nature of man,

I think we just slipped in it.

It's not art and it's not sex.

No, it's survival at any price.

The nature of man...
It's that of an animal.

(wolf howls)

( mellow theme playing)

Boy, I feel good.

I feel good. Yeah, I feel great.

I feel pretty... Fine.

I feel like hell.

Can't get over how we fought.

How base man is, how
self-involved, you know.

Henry, I'm hungry.

(laughing): And I cannot
discuss philosophy

when I am hungry.

I'm so hungry, last night
I ate my albino snake.

I've been spitting up
wood chips all day long.

Henry, we have
one can of soup left

to last us for two more days.

And once that soup is gone,

there is nothing left, Henry.

Nothing! Nothing
to eat except...

Get outta here.

Henry, let's... Let's
make a pact, huh?

Come on, come on.

Let's make a pact that...

if I should be
the first to go...

and you have this sudden...

craving... for...
protein... (crying)

What are you doing,
tenderizing me?

Kip, Kipper, Kip Kebob!

Get ahold of yourself, man.

(knocking on door)

BOTH (high voices): Who is it?

Please be pizza!

HENRY: Holy cow,
it's Eddie! Eddie.

Get him over by the fire.

Gee, my snowmobile hit a rock.

I was aiming for a rabbit.

Never mind about
that. (groaning)

Do you have any candy bars?

Forget the candy bars!

Give him the last
of the soup. Oh.

I tried to walk
out and I got lost!

It's all right, you're
gonna be fine,

just fine. Uh-huh.

Just a little soup left here.

(groans) So eat up.

Oh, oh. Come on.

Oh. Mm-hm.

(gasps) Bit more, eat more.

Oh! One more, one more.

Oh... KIP: There we go.

(gasps)

I hate this soup.

Shut up and eat. It's
good and good for you.

No.

All right, look,

I'm, uh... I'm gonna go out,

and I'm gonna write
"help" in the snow.

Maybe a airplane will
see it or something.

That's a great idea.

But... But if that doesn't work,

why don't you use the phone?

(mouths): The phone?

You didn't tell us
there was a phone.

I don't like people
running up toll calls.

It's behind the picture.

(laughs)

We're saved!

We're saved!

This is great!

Trimline.

You didn't know if
we'd get out of here?

But you gave your
last bit of food to me.

A lot of guys wouldn't
have done that.

Yes, they would've.

People aren't
animals, they're good.

It's the nature of man.

It's nice to find that out.

Hello! Hello!

(laughing): Oh, boy,
am I glad I got you!

There's three of us.

We've been up
here for five days.

We don't have any food.

This is what we need,
listen very carefully:

two orders of chicken chow mein,

couple of egg rolls,

do you want shrimp? Please.

About five thousand shrimp.

Won-ton soup?

No, no soup! No soup!

You know, I don't
think we should

get Chinese food. Why not?

An hour later, we'll
just be starving again.

(laughs)

(speaking indistinctly)

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

(laughs)

Mom, Wally, we're home.

(laughs)

Hey, you guys,
it's good to be back.

We brought you some snow.

So how was it?

It was freezing cold. (chuckles)

We had no food,
and I tried to kill Kip.

And I tried to kill Henry.

It was great.

So... how'd, uh...?

How'd the commercial go?

Ask her. Ask her. Ask her.

Well... (sighs)

I lost the tiger.

(scoffs)

We go away for a week
and you lose a tiger?

Do you realize what this will do

to our insurance premiums?

You the folks
that lost the tiger?

Yes.

Lucky for you, we found him.

Hey, Ernie, bring him in.

So is this the tiger you lost?

WOMEN: That's him.

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)